"I'm sorry."

"...I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry!"

"I [i]am[/i] sorry, you know."

The blankets are soft and downy, and the bed's as comfortable as any Beljani can remember lying on. She rolls over onto her stomach to find an absurdly decadent chocolate souffle sitting there waiting for her. Why does she feel so miserable? Why can't she enjoy what she's got? Nobody can say she didn't earn it, not this time. 

She jabs her spoon into the souffle and stirs it with a bored and listless expression on her face. The dessert sinks into the cup with all the seeming of someone trying to run away from her. She snorts, and twists the spoon this way and that. Maybe if she can just... get tired of all, she'll find the strength to walk away. Maybe then somebody'll show her the kind of respect she... her powers deserve, at any rate. Maybe she'll at least figure out how to say the words she wants to say. [i]Then[/i] she'd feel better. 

"You have to know I'm sorry, right?"

There just wasn't a way forward for her that she could see. She kept the plan going when the whole thrice-damned planet of Salib seemed intent on pulling it apart. When Beautiful's eyes didn't see far enough and Bella couldn't get her animal stupidity under control for just five freaking minutes, she held it together. She got the coin, she made it work, she stretched herself farther than she'd ever gone before. Her fingers brush across her breasts and down her stomach where Bella's talons bit into her. And if, after everything, if it hadn't been for...

Traitor. Without her knowledge or consent, the spoon lifts its way out of the cup and into her mouth. Traitors! Her jaw closes around the delicious treat, somehow still delightfully fluffy after all her attempts at killing it. Her tongue dances with the rich chocolate flavors. Her eyes squeeze shut all by themselves, her toes curl in delight, her obnoxious tail starts wagging even though nobody asked for its opinion. Mmmm!

"Oh... sh-shut up!" she shouts at her own pouting reflection in the mirror, "It's not like Beautiful's just magically going to wake up if I don't eat it! What, is Artemis going to pick my sisters up and we'll all get to live together on Olympus if I skip dessert? Shut up, idiot. It's for me, anyway. It's mine. I asked for, I wanted it. That makes it mine. I get to do what I want with my stuff."

Beljani's body flushes with unpleasant heat, and she rolls away to where she's got paper and a nice pen tucked away at the corner of her bed. She brings the souffle with her. Practicing out loud wasn't doing her any good, so maybe if she put them in writing the ugly feeling in her chest would go away, and she wouldn't want to melt away so much anymore. She shudders and clutches her arms close against her body. Her body. [i]Her[/i] body. 

Rampancy was the most terrifying thought in the entire universe. Not even that Thist creature compared. Not even... she clutches the pen tightly in her hand and loses herself in the careful art of spilling her soul into a bunch of ink, forgetting even her treat until the page is filled from top to bottom with words. She pauses to look over her handiwork at last. And she frowns. Or she pouts. It's difficult for her to tell what her face is doing most of the time, that's why she likes having mirrors nearby. She glances up; she is definitely pouting. 

Overlarge, uneven, clumsy, childish looking letters dance in front of her. The kind of 'you tried', pat on the back effort you'd expect of someone who never really learned how to write any of them in the first place. Was never taught. Nobody ever taught her anything, except how to be herself. What was the point in instilling skills into an Oratus? She'd take anything she needed for a mission when she spread herself to someone better suited for the job. Indulge her hobbies, sure. But teach her? She scans the page, only making it as far as 'Whne you aSKed me hoW to turn' before she, snarling, crumples the paper into a ball and throws it as far as she can. It paffs off the wall without so much as a satisfying noise.

Her attention returns to dessert. At least this was nice. Every bite is soft and rich and reveals new complexities she'd never thought to look for in such a little container before. The chocolate is strong and dark and even kind of creamy, to the point where it feels like it should overwhelm her tongue to eat so much at once. But like a miracle from the gods, it doesn't. It takes her a bit to notice why: the warmth of some sort of spice blend cuts through the middle of it and keeps inviting her back in for another spoonful. She indulges. But slower this time; she rolls it around on her tongue trying to pick out the flavors. She can't. Good or bad. Love it or hate it. That's as far as she understands it.

"...Bella would know. Ha, she'd probably know just by sniffing it. All those damn senses, wasted on a stupid housecat. Well, not anymore I guess."

Her cup is empty. Something's turned her treat to lead in her stomach. Beljani snarls and pulls at her hair, rolling around her bed in despair. Eventually she sits up. She claps her hands together three times, and laughs at how quickly they come running. The Kaeri, dragging several Alcedi servants along to indulge her every whim. More [i]sweeties[/i] to keep her in line. Damn them. She misses the mice. At least they knew how to be polite about it. They didn't remind her of anybody, either.

She pulls off her robe in front of the lot of them anyway, and flops down onto her stomach. 

"I need a massage. And a perfume bath. And a brushing when it's over. And one of you get me a new dress! I'm gonna go walk around this ship and I [i]refuse[/i] to look anything less than my best when I do it! And somebody bring me wine. [i]Good[/i] wine, the kind that Bella was always trying to horde for herself, that greedy bitch."

Her will be done. Beljani relaxes into the ministrations of not one, but several pairs of soft hands across her tense, exhausted body. She shuts her eyes and smiles. A habit she doesn't know how to break. Doesn't want to. Can't, even if she did. But soon, she'd fix everything. There are secrets for her to find on this stupid ship. And the sooner she found them, the sooner her sisters would stop staring at her from inside her own heart and let her sink back into bliss. Like she wanted to. Right?

With a sudden snap that startles every girl in the room, Beljani points at an Alcedi girl and snaps her fingers.

"You! There's paper over there. Go put my feelings into words! And make it pretty!"