Drunk on a mountaintop wasn’t where Rob had pictured the evening going for him when he woke up this morning. [i]Where had it all gone so wrong?[/i] The words seemed to appear in his head and fall out his ears. He had hiked a good mile or two down the west-facing side of the mountain top—polishing off the flask he kept tucked away in his inner jacket pocket he had been clutching onto the entire day. He had past a few people—some of whom took double glances at him as he passed. As far as he could tell, he was still incognito. For now. Eventually, he had moved a few dozen feet off the trail and slipped himself in between two bushes—perching himself atop a small boulder protruding from the mountainside. From this vantage point, the rest of Orange County was painted in a lavender-orange glow as the sun pierced its way through distant clouds over the ocean. The sun would be set soon now. And tomorrow everything would once again be different. Perhaps he was being dramatic—no, he was [u]sure[/u] he was being dramatic—but it certainly felt like his past had caught up to him like a revenant. He thought back to the time he spent in Europe, playing stadium after stadium. Impossibly large structures with ever more impossibly large crowds lining them. Always watching MAE’s back as he beat out another simple four-on-the-floor groove. The only time he would ever have fun on the MAE world tour was when “Always Watching” came around. It wasn’t their most popular song by a long shot—but the driving rhythm always got the crowd moving. Plus, it was the only song that sounded even remotely like an In Bloom track, and even barely at that point. The only thing they shared in common was the energy they lit up in the crowd, driving them into a frenzy. Critics always said it sounded like a [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1EJvmjLG8Y]Halsey track[/url], but Mae paid them no mind. But even so, the lyrics Mae had written felt surprisingly prescient to how he felt now: [i]If everything is everywhere, then everyone must be aware that all are always watching, yes, they are always watching. Hidden in your darkened room or sealed within your self-built tomb, still, they are always watching always, always watching[/i] The words seemed to dangle in front of him, brash and loud. He felt something sway within him, and within a moment, he was spilling his guts across the nearby bushes. He fell to his side, into the dirt, and watched the sunset move from left to right—setting into the vertical earth. He blinked twice, and suddenly the moon was high in the sky. It seemed even when he needed time to stand still, it wouldn’t. He needed time to understand why Mae would decide to tour now, of all times. What would happen with Elle? He sure as shit wouldn’t leave Elle with Mae’s fuckup brother. But could he even tour with In Bloom if she tried to use Elle as leverage? He needed time to understand why all of these feeling had stirred up inside him about J. What he had was ten years ago—why was it all coming back now? Why did his heart about rip out of his chest this morning? Why was he plastered on a mountain after hearing she went on a date, of all things? Why was he here? At this point, the time for sober thinking had long since past. The time was now to figure out a way back. Afterwards, he would have to face a series of massively uncomfortable questions from his bandmates. And he’d have to face J again. The thought of her turned him inside out. In his drunken state, he spoke out load—muttering to himself in the wind, talking to his own consciousness. “She broke our heart, same as Mae,” he mumbled into the dirt. [i]You loved her,[/i] came the voice in his head. [i]More than Mae. You always did.[/i] “I loved Mae.” [i]Of course you did.[/i] Rob paused for a moment. “I loved J, too.” [i]You loved her more.[/i] “…I did.” [i]You [u]do[/u]. Present tense.[/i] “…I do.” The voice stopped speaking after that. In the silence, he slowly pulled himself to his feet, and started the long trek up the mountain. ** As he walked, he turned on his phone. Three hundred and sixty-five messages. Everyone from his uncle to Evan to pretty much everyone in the band had sent him messages. He glanced through a few—trying to get a general sense of what everyone was thinking. The range of responses seemed to range from ‘Fuck that bitch,’ to ‘I’m so sorry’ to ‘Jesus Rob where are you??’ He looked for something from Jane, instinctually. She hadn’t sent anything. His mind filled briefly with rage, then just as quickly to confusion. [i]Why was he expecting anything from her?[/i] She had a date; plus, aside from this morning, Rob hadn’t made it particularly clear he wanted anything to do with her romantically. Did he want something to do with her romantically? The more Rob tried to push the thoughts aside for another, more sober time, the more the swayed back. He just couldn’t shake it. After a decade of running—after his tear-stricken departure from the home they once shared to years later, this morning, seeing her again, truly seeing her for the first time? He remembered he had always called her home. He loved Mae once. He truly did. But Jane was always home. “Sir?” The sound snapped him from his thoughts. It was a police officer, standing with a bright flashlight. Rob had made it to the parking lot of the trailhead only to find the police. Rob lifted his arm to deflect the light. “Yes?” was all he could muster. “Your name wouldn’t happen to be Rob Pennie, would it?” [b]Fuck.[/b] “Thatsssme.” The officer lowered the flashlight and approached Rob. “Your uh—I guess it’s your agent? An Evan. He filed a missing persons report, said your last location was somewhere around here?” “They track phonesnow?” Rob slurred out. At this point, the officer was already leading him to the car. “Yeah,” the officer continued. “You’re not under arrest or anything, I’m just taking you back home.” “Yeahthassfine.” Rob said, but he was already in the back of the car, with the door closed. The car quickly began moving—flashing lights off, thankfully. “You know,” the officer continued, “this probably isn’t a good time to ask, but you wouldn’t happen to be Rob Pennie, would you?” “Yup. Unfortunately.” ** Soon enough, he was stumbling into the rental home—his newfound police friend waving as they drove off into the night. If Rob had been sober, he probably would’ve appreciated the fan interaction. Less so, tonight. As soon as he opened the door and shut it, he knew he was in trouble. The foyer led straight to the kitchen, where Austin and Sam were sitting. They both stared at him with death in their eyes. “Dowstairs.” Rob said. He flicked on the lights to the nearby basement entrance and headed into the studio. At this point, it must have been three in the morning. Rob quickly ran down; tossing himself on the sound booth couch like a sandbag. He was able to sit back up when Sam and Austin entered and sat in rolling chair ahead of him. [i]Judging me,[/i] he thought to himself. “Where the fuck were you?” Came the first question from Sam. Rob shrugged emphatically. “I’m fine,” was his only response. The next question, from Austin. “You go to a bar? You fucked anyone—what?” This time, Rob’s eyes shot daggers into Austin. The message seemed to get across, because Austin leaned back and said nothing else. “Just thought I’d ask,” came his meek reply. “I went hiking. It was fine. I’m pretty fuggin familiar with how to avoidascene.” “Maybe don’t say that one too loudly,” Austin replied. He pointed to the ceiling. [i]Jane.[/i] “Not what I meant,” came Rob’s honest reply. Next, a question from Sam. “Did you know?” At this, Rob laughed. “Yeah, no. I didn’t know. We’re not exactly close.” “She’s the mother of your child.” “Sam, I love you buddy,” Rob started, “but we’re not talking about it. And you’re not mentioning my daughter.” “You think she would have been proud to see Daddy like this?” Rob could faintly hear Austin start to shut Sam down, but it was already too late. The next thing he knew, he was on top of Sam—his face already swelling from Rob’s sucker punch—and Austin was pulling him off. He didn’t fight back, and was tossed back onto the couch, before Austin could help Sam to his feet. “You deserved that,” Austin said to Sam. Sam simply shrugged Austin off and rose to his feet. “You could have broke my fucking nose, asshole!” Sam roared. At this, Rob shrugged. “Didn’t.” Sam stormed off upstairs soon after that, and it was quiet for a moment. A long, lovely moment, before Austin continued. “You’re an adult—” “—I know that—” “—so I’m not telling you what to do. But maybe punch a few pillows next time? And maybe lay off with the drinking? It isn’t subtle.” He was right, but Rob wasn’t in the mood to admit it. “You guys track a song?” Austin nodded. “A new one. Jane seemed to pull it out of nowhere. We were hoping to track drums. We can probably do it first thing in the morning.” Rob rose to his feet and moved for the studio. “Turn the console on.” “You might want to listen to her lyrics first—” “Turn the console on,” Rob repeated, but at the door, he stopped himself. He turned back to Austin. “Yaknow,” he started, “I could probably take a wild guess as to what the song’s about. So you’re not protecting me. Play it once, then loop it, and I’ll track it now.” Austin and Rob shared a long moment before Austin sighed in agreement. “It’s too early for this…” Rob could hear him start, before closing the door to the sound studio. ** Behind the throne and a few glasses of water later, Rob was finished listening to the first pass of Jane’s song. The guitar and bass lines were beautiful—Sam really evoked what Jane was trying to say in the tuning of the track, and Austin laid down something syncopated but simple enough for Rob to play around with. Jane’s lyrics, however, tore through him. They felt like solemn acceptance of a truth that wasn’t true. Not anymore. Not for Rob. “Hey, uh,” Rob started into his microphone, “mute J’s lines while I track it. I know what she sings. I want to play to the feeling, not the words.” Rob watched Austin silently shrug and press a few buttons. Soon enough, the metronome started up and he began to play. ** After tracking, Rob pushed back into the sound booth. “So?” he started up. “Usable?” Austin seemed to stare at him with incredulous eyes. He almost seemed emotional. “I uh…I muted the vocal track for you, but not for me. It’s…it’s really fucking good, man.” Rob responded by moving past Austin—patting his shoulder as he did so—and heading for the stairs. “Don’t worry too much about the mix, send it to Evan,” he responded. “Have him wake up to it. It’s a beautiful song.” He headed upstairs, then up again to the second floor. At this point, he’d probably get only an hour or two of sleep before it was time to get up, but he’d take what he could get. He was well and truly spent at this point. But before he headed to bed, he saw Jane’s door in the hallway. He paused in front of it, for just a moment. He lifted a hand to the door, and pressed softly on it. It was locked—of course—but in that moment, if it wasn’t? He’d lay beside her and drift off to sleep. Instead, he walked into his room—door wide open—pulled off a shirt, and collapsed on the bed. He barely set a timer for 7:30 before he fell asleep atop the covers. Who knew what tomorrow would hold. But it had to be a hell of a lot better than today.