I invade Ukraine and tank the Russian economy by 39%. I lose millions of rubles' worth of military hardware to farmers in Sumy and now people are burning rubles to heat their homes. I then hire my trusted friend and closest confidant Steven Seagal to assassinate the Ukrainian president, but he's too fat and I have to get 5 different FSB agents just to get him out the door of the Kremlin. China is the only one who will still trade with me and they're trying to price-gauge my wheat and oil which are the sole lifelines on the entire economy. People are protesting en-masse and nobody will answer the draft.

Just another day in Russia.