The blurred streets of Orange County roared by on the way to the NA meeting. The small, but faint buzz he had built up from his compulsive trip to the bathroom earlier was already gone, and in its place, fear. It wasn’t the kind of fear that someone typically felt when going to one of these meetings. Or, at least, it wasn’t the type of fear Rob [i]figured[/i] was felt. In reality, this was the first time he had ever gone to one. It was more so the fear that he may need to start going to these. The thought made him feel terrible. [i]’What’s wrong with going to these? J goes to these. Is something wrong with her? Are you better than her?’[/i] The thoughts rattled around in a head he wanted so desperately to be present. He could feel Jane next to him--practically radiating. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her hand loosely grip the upholstery between them. He very nearly took it. It was an old instinct--a muscle memory that hadn’t fully atrophied out with time. He wondered how often Jane knew the difference between when he took her hand to support or took it to be supported. Or if it really mattered, at this point. Jane was moved on. It was a fact he wasn’t entirely convinced of, and in many ways, didn’t believe--but it was one he needed to accept. For her sake, as well as his. He turned his head slightly further out the window; Jane’s hand disappearing out of his periphery. -- The anxiety seemed to build until Jane first started speaking into the microphone. The air in here was stuffy and warm. The rattling air conditioner above them seemed to lack the freon it needed. Instead, the room wafted in its own potent air. But it all seemed to fade away when Jane started to speak. At first, the story brought back memories Rob couldn’t help but look back on with happiness. All the times he and the others kicked around rocks and loitered in parking lots near 10th and Cherry, waiting for Jane to pop around the corner–booze in hand. But it didn’t last. The story turned--and Rob left it. Jane’s rock bottom and recovery had nothing to do with him. And not that he wanted an ounce of credit for Jane’s recovery, but he had to admit the thought of being absent stung a little bit. Perhaps it's how she felt about Elle and Mae. About his own life, he forged together without her. The one that wasn’t exactly on solid ground. She signaled for him, and he pushed the thoughts aside. [i]’God,[/i] he thought to himself, [i]’Way to make this about you, huh?’[/i] Outside, the tension started to fade away. It was just Jane and Rob in a back alley splitting a pack. The way it had always been. Home base. Rob slipped the pack from Jane, flicked one out and lit up with the same flame as her. This muscle memory he could actually use. As Jane slipped his participation trophy in his hand, he couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll cherish it forever,” came a wry response. It was funny spending this much time with Jane. One moment she was growing, changing, becoming a different person altogether. The next, it was as if not a day went by since the last time they’d done this. It was all at once comforting and scary. “Yeah,” came an automatic response to her. He really did want to get the fuck out of here. As they turned to make their way to the street corner, Rob’s hand gently pressed at the small of J’s back--as it always had when he steered her before. His nerves fired, and he quickly removed it. Fuckin’ muscle memory. -- Rob waited for Jared’s arrival in the living room with Sam. As a measure of half-assed moderation, he had made a new rule for himself. At least attempt not to drink alone. Plus, it didn’t help to speak to Sam more. He had always been the odd one out in the group. Rob, Jane, and Austin were more of the high school trio. Sam was the hired help, and that old dynamic still seemed to linger something near fifteen years later. Also, you tend to feel guilty after punching someone in the face. “This was South by Southwest, two years ago,” Sam continued. He was haunched over a bit on the couch, showing Rob some blurry concert footage. On stage, Rob could make out Sam’s usual energy smashing down on his strings. “Vicarious wanted a bigger sound, so I flew in for them. We opened for Pretty Reckless. Which was fucking weird, cause we sound nothing like them, but still.” Rob tried not to note the usage of [i]we[/i] too much and nodded. “You always loved their sound. Surprised they didn’t poach you back in the day.” “Oh, they tried!” “Really?” “...fuck no,” Sam laughed. “We were bigger than them at the time. Even if they had asked, I had said no. Too much invested with you assholes.” Rob half-heartedly pushed Sam aside. “Glad we’re good for a paycheck.” “And a big one, too. Got a cash advance from Evan; it’s more than I make in a year.” The two laughed over it. “Maybe you’ll get enough to move out somewhere.” “Fuck that,” came Sam’s immediate response. “My world stretches from Torrence to Anaheim. I’m not you guys. But that isn’t to say I can’t get a better house.” Rob smiled. Out of all of them, in his own way, Sam had seemingly found the most peace. Not that he was anywhere near tortured in the In Bloom days. The doorbell rang immediately after, and Rob’s smile faded as he went to the door. He tried not to look too closely at Jane as Jared stepped inside. A pang of jealousy sprouted almost immediately, but he shoved it down. [i]Not here. Not now.[/i] He smiled, he waved, and as Jared turned to leave, Rob was almost in the clear when-- [i]”My sister’s coming next week.”[/i] His eyes looked down to the post-it note on the counter, and back up to meet Jane’s eyes. The only thing he could make out was a wide-eyed surprise, before the door slammed shut between them. Several seconds passed with the three guys in the foyer. No one said a word. It was so quiet you could hear Austin’s wristwatch click. But finally, Sam broke. “So are you and J gonna implode the band again, or--?” “Sam,” Austin cut in. “Please... shut the fuck up.” Rob slipped upstairs to his room before another word was said--note in tow. -- Thirty minutes later, Rob was still slumped over at the foot of his bed. Adrianna’s number had been logged into his phone and the text message was all typed out. Unsent. Sitting on a dying phone. Did Jared know about Adrianna? Did J? Because they had a much longer history than a one-night stand during the In Bloom days. For lack of a better word, Rob and Adrianna were fuck buddies. He wasn’t a fan of the term, but it was the truth. It started about six months after breaking up with J and shortly before meeting Mae. The two had bumped into each other at a house party way out in Chino Hills. He could hardly explain how it started, but the night ended in San Bernardino, and five hundred dollars in cash was gone. They saw each other weekly after that, but it didn’t last long. Rob met Mae, and the rest was history. The next time he saw her was after taking care of some business back in Long Beach. He and Mae had flown in separately to clear out a final storage unit of shit as a sort of final couple’s trip before Mae fucked off to Montreal with some new boyfriend. This time, Rob called Adrianna directly. He even drove all the way to Pheonix. That little getaway cost something like seven thousand dollars by the end of the week. It was a pretty easy arrangement for both of them. They both were into each other for a singular, physical reason, and Rob had the disposable income (and let’s face it, wealth at a certain point) to organize a few trysts for them. But, like all things, it fizzled out. Flying hundreds of miles to get laid stopped being appealing by your mid-thirties. Plus, she stopped responding to texts. Rob had always figured she was done with him, but tonight proved to him she just changed her number. In a way, she was the worst possible person to enter into his life at this moment. But why shouldn’t he message her? Jane was out with Jared. She was out there moving on. Why couldn’t he? Just then, his phone buzzed. [i]Austin.[/i] All it said were three little words: [u]Maybe not her.[/u] Maybe that was a good happy medium. But it wasn’t helping in the here and now. Because Rob would give up just about anything to get Jared and Jane off his mind. -- About twenty minutes later, Rob rushed back downstairs to the living room. Sam and Austin were sitting quietly, as expected. Both were on their phones. Quiet. “So, we’ve got about fifteen minutes,” Rob started. That certainly got their attention. “Are you heading out?” Austin asked first. Rob could see the quiet terror in his eyes. “Yeah. Ya’ll too. Get ready.” “Dude,” Sam started, “I am not going out--” “Look, it’s been years since we’ve all been together. And I hung out with Jane today, and I’ve been neglecting you guys. So I got us an Uber, I got us a spot to go, so let’s go. It’s Friday, for fuck’s sake.” “You didn’t ‘hang out with Jane,’ you took her to a AA meeting,” came Austin’s short reply. He was going to be a harder sell, but Sam was already on Rob’s side. “Same difference,” Rob said. “Don’t turn me down, I know a good spot in Newport Beach, I reserved a nice booth, and it’s on me.” “Fifteen, right?” Sam replied. He was already halfway up the stairs. “Twelve!” “Rob, do you really think this is a good idea?” Austin asked. “Look, I know it’s probably not a good night for you to be alone--” “So I won’t be alone, what’s the problem?” Austin took a deep breath. “You’re using us for a distraction.” “And you’re using me for my MAE residuals, it’s a fair trade. You wouldn’t feel bad if you saw what they send me in a month--” “It’s not about the money, Rob.” A moment of silence sat between them. Upstairs, they both could hear Sam aggressively putting on shoes. “...but,” Austin continued, “If you’re getting us bottle service...” Rob helped Austin out of his chair and practically pushed him upstairs to his room. “You’re gonna like this place, it’s classy.” He continued to pitch even after Austin’s door closed. “Just a few hours and a few drinks, that’s all I want! It’ll be fun!” -- [center][b]THREE HOURS LATER[/b][/center] Sometime around 11:00PM, things had started to get a little sloppy. Rob did own up to his word and get bottle service for the three of them--but it didn’t stay the three of them for long. People seemed to ebb and flow from the large, round corner booth hidden away in the back of the bar. Word got around quickly that hometown heroes In Bloom were in town (and getting shots for people who stopped by to chat), so the otherwise-quiet bar had grown a bit louder and eventually a bouncer was placed at the front to keep things reasonable. Rob had expected as much--and in fact, he had picked this place for this exact reason. The owner--a nice, wiry guy named Arthur--was good friends with Mae and Rob and often helped out whenever Mae wanted a public drink that wouldn’t turn into a circus. Rob called in a favor, and the result was a nice, public space that just so happened to form a line eight blocks down due to their presence. “--no! Seriously let me--let me--I’ll tell you this--seriously--Rob, back up me up this!” Sam fumbled through his words over [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fcd8UbutjIg]Billie Eilish[/url] playing in the background. Sam had been taking full advantage of the bottle service and was mid-conversation with a few women that had joined the booth on his side. Rob couldn’t tell if they were enjoying this or humoring him, but it was probably the latter. “It was Vienna. We were driving every fuckin’ day. J and Rob are making off like rabbits, so I head into this bar--no I’m serious! So I go into this bar...” Sam droned on, but Rob quickly tuned him out. He was sat opposite Sam and the women, on the outer edge of the booth, looking over to Austin beside him. Austin could only laugh. “What are the odds this story happened?” Rob asked. “None whatsoever,” Austin replied. “Sam left his cum rags on the floor by my bunk that whole fucking tour. I got laid more than him.” “No shit! Who?” Austin shrugged. “Lyla, once.” “No [i]fucking[/i] way.” “It wasn’t a big deal!” Austin threw his hands up. “It was a quick thing, only happened once. All parties involved didn’t need a repeat.” Rob couldn’t stop staring and laughing. “Jesus, you think you three are the only ones with libidos?” Austin laughed. Lyla or not, it was good to see Austin lightening up for once. All too often, he had been the liaison--the moderator. It was easy to see this might not last forever if Austin got pushed too far. “I’m gonna take a leak, yeah?” Rob said, and slipped out of the booth. He felt a few people slap his back as he went, but half-walked-half-stumbled to the bathroom without another word. He opened the bathroom door to find a single toilet, sink, and background music blasting over the intercom at a fever pitch. [i]’Alright,’[/i] he thought to himself. [i]’Finish the bottle, then take everyone home. Real easy.’[/i] He was feeling good, at this point. Drunk--but coherent. It had been three hours of fun, stories, and selfies with fans. Time to wrap it up and go home. He relieved himself, washed his hands, and turned the handle– The door swung upon violently as the woman leaned on the opposite side tumbled into the bathroom and nearly fell onto Rob. Rob fumbled back, half-catching her. She stood to her feet and swung a leg back to the door, kicking it shut. “Jesus, real smooth of me, huh?” She laughed. Rob took a step back to see who had barged in. She looked mid-to-late 20s. Dark hair, a face he couldn’t place, black A-line dress and strappy heels. But eyes he recognized from across the room. “You good?” Rob replied. “Yes, thanks!” She almost laughed out. “You really caught me, huh?” Even this far in, Rob knew what was happening. He moved to the bathroom door, and locked it shut. “What’s your name?” he asked. The woman turned and leaned up against the sink. She balanced on one heel and lifted the other slightly. “My friends call me Liz.” Rob nodded. “You don’t have to be coy, Liz.” “I wasn’t trying to be,” she replied without hesitating. She pushed off the sink and closed their gap. -- Five minutes later, Rob pulled himself from Liz and ran a hand through his hair. “What’s wrong?” She asked. “Nothing at all,” he replied honestly. He glanced down at his phone. 11:58PM. “I’ve got just to get heading back is all.” “More songs to write?” “Something like that,” Rob replied. He took a minute to straighten himself in the mirror, then helped Liz get her shoes back on. In reality, as fun as this had been, bathroom sex wasn’t on the list of things Rob wanted to get up to. His heart just wasn’t in it. Every step closer to something intimate felt like a step away from Jane. He hated the feeling. He just wasn’t ready. Or sober enough. “Can I give you my number?” Liz countered as Rob headed for the door. “I’m here most weekends. Just give me a head’s up, yeah?” “Sure thing,” he replied as earnestly as he could muster. He took her number, and Rob opened and shut the door behind him soon thereafter. He quickly rushed back to the booth, and signaled for Sam and Austin to wrap it up. “I’m closing out the tab,” he told them. “Let’s get back in time to get some work done in the afternoon at least.” -- By the time the Uber returned to their place, Rob’s mind wouldn’t stop racing. [i]I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Jane is having a good time. Why can’t I? I was over this. I was over this for ten fucking [u]years,[/u] why is it such a big deal? Liz wanted to. Why didn’t I?[/i] After paying the driver, Rob retreated upstairs to his room, and made his way to the kitchen sink cabinet. He utilized his own bottle service and opened his phone. He found his pre-typed message to Adrianna, and without hesitating, he sent it. At this point, minutes blurred together. He wasn’t sure how long it had been. All he was sure of was if he laid down, he might puke. And then, a knock came at the front door. He rushed to the front only to find Jared standing there with Austin and Rob. “The fuck happened?” he blurted out, but everyone seemed content with ignoring him. Austin’s hands wrapped tightly around a phone. He was talking to someone. [i]”J’s in the hospital.”[/i] The words stung deep into him. At this point, he was a mess of mania and self-flagellation. Within another moment, both Austin and Jared were out the front door. Jane didn’t want them to come. “Fuck, man,” Sam muttered as the two of them stood alone in the foyer. “You think she’s okay?” “Aust’s got her,” Rob replied. “I’m going to bed. You good?” Sam gave a meek thumbs up. Good enough for Rob. He ran upstairs, had a bit more, and laid down. The sooner the night ended, the better. But before he could pass out, he saw a small light emanate from his phone in the dark room. A reply from Adrianna. He picked it up, read the message, and before responding, slipped the phone back into his pocket. It could wait till tomorrow. It all could. Jane was better off with Austin. Or Jared. Or anyone else, really. So why wasn’t he better off without Jane?