[right][sub][color=lightgray][@BrutalBx] & [@LovelyComplex][/color][/sub][/right]
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Dating Clay Costigan had become part of Caterina’s routine schedule. When she wasn’t too busy with work and when her children were preoccupied with hanging out with their friends or cousins, Caterina would glance at her phone waiting for him to text or call her. His schedule was more demanding than her’s and even when she was busy, he knew where to find her. She couldn’t help but obsess over him… it was different for her. 

They hadn’t started dating too long ago and she found herself unable to get him out of her mind. This was so surreal because last month she simply saw him as Clay, the boy who had a kid crush on her. Clay, the boy who loved to be a thorn in her side. Clay, the boy who comforted her when she wasn’t herself. Clay, the boy that flirted constantly but never crossed boundaries. Clay, the boy she couldn’t stop thinking about. 

Clayton was no longer a boy. No, he was a man who made her [i]feel[/i] more than she ever was used to. Boundaries were crossed in this very apartment and there was no turning back. Her blood rushed when he was near her, his touch made her crave him, ache for him, and his eyes… she could see how much she meant to him. He wanted her and only her. He couldn’t live without her. 

While he flooded her with adoration, she didn’t know what to do with it. Was he her person? Was this the feeling of finding your better half? Your soulmate? Was he all that and more to her? Or was she using him as an escape because he gave her exactly what she needed when she was so obviously drowning? What was Clay to her? 

Resting on him as they laid in his bed, Cat traced her pointer finger on his bare chest. He soundlessly slept, his face incredibly peaceful and free of worry. Unable to take her eyes off of him, she thought to herself that this was her reality. Clayton Costigan was her [i]boyfriend[/i]. He had texted her right when she was closing shop for the day that he’d be home for a few before he had to go back on duty. She wasn’t going to waste this opportunity while her kids were away. She needed him around so the intrusive thoughts of them not working out stayed at bay. 

This week was a good week for them because she didn’t have her children with her. Surprisingly, Tommaso had taken her kids to New York with him for the week to ease the transition of the divorce and to show them that their father still cared. All three of them were on the fence going which required Cat to have a sit down and convince them to give their dad a chance. She apologized for all the times she got angry and argued with their father, exposing them to the unhealthy sight of their parents coming undone. They didn’t deserve that. Lord knows no child deserved that. She promised when they came back she was going to make it up to them. 

In time, they agreed. Of course with the incentive that they got to see their cousins that they rarely visited. The Esposito family. She was happy to have a temporary peace treaty made between her and her kids. With their word, they promised to communicate their feelings when it came to her and their father. 

Still, even as she laid on a bed that brought her comfort, with a man that made her smile, she knew she could be a better mother.  All she can do is try her best to manage herself and her emotions better. Their reactions would be the repercussions she would face when she is in the wrong. But because of them, she would only better herself. They were her everything. They were her world. 

Just because she didn’t love her husband didn’t mean they had to stop loving their father. They can come to their own opinions at their own time. Cat refused to talk poorly about Tommaso to them. Instead, she would gently show them that some people were not meant to be and even she was not perfect. Human beings, they all made mistakes. Sometimes really fucked up ones. 

For the family, her and her husband tried to keep it together, but instead of them wanting to hold on, they sought pleasure elsewhere. He got lost with other women and she found a compass in alcohol. They would still work together to co-parent and love all three of their children no matter what. They just couldn’t do it married anymore. 

Securely wrapping her leg around her boyfriend, not wanting to worry about other responsibilities, Cat brushed her nose on Clay’s cheek, in hopes to nudge him awake. He could really power nap when he needs to. As she tightly held onto him, she could only imagine how he made her feel and how she didn’t want to lose what they had together. No man could match the chemistry he gave to her. The chemistry they had. 

The man in her arms, he picked up all her broken pieces and made her feel that even in the heart of a storm, where it’s so easy to lose their way, he would be there for her. He would love her. He may not see beyond the moment but he made her feel like he wouldn’t let her go. That they would walk through life together because he knew how it felt… to be so desperately alone. 

To feel lost. 

Lonely.

In his apartment, isolated, she felt safe. Wanted. Loved. [color=9f1b3e]“Baby…”[/color] Cat brought her lips to his ear, breathlessly, beguilingly, tickingly it with her breath.  

Clay could still see the text from his Uncle John. The words resonated and appeared in every dream. Every nightmare. [i]He’s Dead[/i]. Every last breath of a dream he wondered if that’s what David felt. When the water filled his lungs and the cold clung to his skin, did he struggle? Did he accept his fate? Clay was haunted by the end of his best friend in more ways than one.

He opened his eyes from the realm of dreamland with a short startle. He turned his head to see Cat smiling up at him. It wasn’t a dream. He really had the woman that he had longed for, the woman he had so desperately desired, wrapped up in his arms, lying atop his chest and looking at him in a way that no one else had ever looked at him before. God, she was so beautiful. He just wanted to drown in those hazel eyes every minute of every day. 

Clayton brought his hand up behind the stunning brunette’s neck and pulled her in for a kiss. Not just a kiss but a long dance between their lips, soft but firm, every lap of movement reinforcing his desire and love for her. Cat Belmonte was his one and only. He had longed for stolen moments like this and this last week together was the happiest Clay had ever felt. He was good at pretending to be happy it was kind of his thing but for once, he didn’t have to pretend. She had brought him everything he had always hoped she would. He stopped kissing her for a second to look into Cat’s eyes again. 

[color=BCDD81]“Best alarm clock ever.”[/color]

[color=9f1b3e]“Why thank you,”[/color] Cat beamed, though taking note of his body shaking prior to him fully registering the day. Shifting herself so that it was more on top of him than not, she looked at him, her hair touching his face and softly whispered,  [color=9f1b3e]“Bad dream?”[/color] If there was one thing Cat was good at, it was noticing the details in people. Maybe not her surroundings, but with people? She could feel when something was off. She was capable of catching lies, ticks, and subtle signs that most people would not see. Call it a sixth sense but she felt like Clay could use her. 

[color=BCDD81]“Bad memory.”[/color]

Clay wrapped his arms around Cat’s body and pulled her even closer to him. He could feel her heartbeat on top of his, they were beating together, as one, two parts of one working unit. [color=BCDD81]“I….bumped into an old friend, brought back some stuff….”[/color] He wondered how his Kitty would feel about him bringing up the David situation? Most people in Edenridge believed his best friend of seventeen years to be nothing more than a dirty pedophile. A child molester. Call it what you want but the boy they once called the Duke was now the bogeyman. [color=BCDD81]“…It’s stirring up some old feelings, not very pleasant ones.”[/color]

Resting her weight on him, tracing her finger on his face -  his brow, his chin, and his lips - silently and carefully listening, Cat observed her man. Her hazel eyes intently staring into his tender gaze.  [color=9f1b3e]“I’m here to listen, if you want to share. If not, we can lay here in silence. That’s fine too. Whatever you want, Clay.”[/color] Running her hand through his hair, something she did more now than she ever did (ever), Cat gingerly brought her lips to his and devotedly, lovingly kissed him. Not once, not twice, but three times in hopes he’d trust her enough to share. [color=9f1b3e]“I might be a gossip but I have no right to judge. And I really don’t share anything that I know I shouldn’t. Well, unless it’s…”[/color] She stopped herself when she thought of Tiffannie fucking Father Joe. That was pretty wrong morally.  [color=9f1b3e]“...something to resolve family drama.”[/color]  

Clay allowed for his hands to drift down Cat’s bare back and rest on the small of it. He kissed the tip of her nose softly. It was nice to finally have someone to be able to share his pain with. Someone who could understand maybe. [color=BCDD81]“When I was finishing up this morning I ran into Jamie O’Hara. She showed me a letter, like the ones about Allison. This one was about David.”[/color]

Where one went, the other followed. That was Clay and David. The Elite. That’s what he and his friends had been called. Clay hates that name. He never felt any different to anyone else but Edenridge held him and his friends on pedestals. They all had so much to live up to but none more so than David and Jamie. The twins were the children of a living legend, the man known universally as Coach. They never stood a chance. [color=BCDD81]“I can’t let Jamie suffer through this shit again, she’s fragile.”[/color] [i]Fragile[/i] was an understatement when it came to Jamie O’Hara but that was a whole different story.

Tilting her head, taking in everything he was saying, and keeping a constant, gentle stroke on his head and through his hair, Cat’s expression had gone from an uplifting smile to a worried pout.  [color=9f1b3e]“What about [i]you[/i], baby?”[/color] She firmly questioned.  [color=9f1b3e]“He was your best friend, right?”[/color] Clay had a heart of gold that carried so much weight because he cared. He cared too much and no one seemed to notice that he would walk through fire and ice to save this town. 

[color=9f1b3e]“Everyone needs a shield, that includes you, Clayton.”[/color] Wobbling her body so he loosened his grip she sat up on top,  [color=9f1b3e]“You need just as much support as they do,”[/color] Her voice went up an octave and it was clear that Cat was getting pissed off at the letter situation because now it was entering her territory. It was bothering Clay.  [color=9f1b3e]“Once we find out who’s fucking doing this, I’ll kill them. And if you’re worried about my feelings on David, I never cared. I fucked a man six times my age when I was seventeen and got knocked up. Do you really think I have the right to judge?”[/color] 

He appreciated her fire, it was one of the things that Clay had always loved about Cat. She was so passionate and so full of life. He pulled her legs over his waist so that the breathtaking beauty straddled him and he sat up, holding their bodies close together before tracing his hands down to rest on the crease between her thighs and her rear. [color=BCDD81]“I don’t know the whole story. David was my best friend, you’re right. He was my brother. I’m gonna figure this out. I’m gonna exorcise all these fucking demons.”[/color] He pressed his head against hers. Cat was saying all the right things, she was making him feel at peace. [color=BCDD81]“I’ve made my peace with what happened, now it’s time to help everyone else. I’m gonna fix this baby, then I’m gonna come home to you and be happy.”[/color]

[color=9f1b3e]“No,”[/color] Cat glared at him. Her sharp eyes inches away from his face, capturing his soul. [color=9f1b3e]“You’re going to let me help you.”[/color] There was no way in hell she’d sit idle. [color=9f1b3e]“I’m not some housewife that waits for her man to come home. Let me help you.”[/color] 

Clay was running numbers in his head like some sort of math whiz (he sucked at math). He knew Cat well enough to know that she wouldn’t lie down on this. She had already made her mind up and was going to help him even if he told her not to. He just had to give her a bone, something to keep her busy and something that may in the long run, aid his cause. What could she do? How could she help? [color=BCDD81]“I know you won’t take no for an answer so how about this? What if you did some canvassing for me? See if any of the desperate housewives are discussing Duke and if they are, see if there is any pertinent info?”[/color]

Dully looking at him, unamused and [i]so thrilled[/i], Cat grumbled, [color=9f1b3e]“Housewives?”[/color] Did he really think the answers were with the older women? She wasn’t dumb. He didn’t want her to get in the way. The people that should be questioned should be all those involved in his circle and the outer circle of that. Family, friends, and whoever the lover was. Was this a losing battle for her? Did he not trust her enough to aid him on his quest? Why was she desperate for his approval and validation? 

If Cat argued, he would diminish her intelligence and redirect her out of his way. That’s what every guy did to her, especially her husband. Tommaso belittled her to the point that she no longer knew what she loved anymore. He put doubt in her head that she would never find someone that wanted to love her. That she was undeserving of that kind of happiness. Putting her hands up in a faux surrender, she apathetically agreed, [color=9f1b3e]“Fine,”[/color] there was a heavy sigh before she continued, [color=9f1b3e]“I’ll be a good housewife and talk to the other housewives,”[/color] Clearly, Cat was not happy. To the point, she got off of him and tried to leave the bed. 

[color=BCDD81]“Hey,”[/color] Clay grabbed her hand before she could leave. Cat was very obviously unimpressed with his suggestion and he realised that. [color=BCDD81]“Listen, I know you want to help. I never want to cage you or make you do something you don’t want to. This is just really hard for me. I want you to be safe. I can’t lose you, not now. You are everything to me, this, what we are, it’s everything that I have ever wanted and I don’t want to lose that. Call me selfish but Clay Costigan has found the spark that ignited his heart and its name is Cat Belmonte.”[/color]

Part of her loved hearing what he was saying, the other part wasn’t satisfied. Gritting her teeth, she pulled her hand away from him, [color=9f1b3e]“I’m not just a fantasy, Clay.”[/color] Her voice wasn’t angry. No, it felt like her heart just sank to the bottom of the ocean with no way to be found because it was surrounded by darkness. 

Was this her self-sabotaging herself or was she just hurt? Getting off the bed, she started gathering her clothes, [color=9f1b3e]“Do you think I’m not afraid of losing you? You’re a fucking cop. That’s something I’m signing up for,”[/color] This made her feel like if she actually pursued being a cop, he wouldn’t like the idea of her doing so. The civil service exam was soon and maybe she wasn’t cut out to be one. 

[color=9f1b3e]“Just because I don’t do the same things you do doesn’t mean I can’t die. We all can die. I can die from alcohol poison any day now. You want me to be your everything? Treat me like I’m not this woman you’ve had a crush on since you were a kid. Treat me like a goddamn person.”[/color] At this point she had her jeans and her bra on. Cat thought what they had was good. It felt so good. Now, all she could feel was pain. 

Clay got out of the bed and made his way over to the older woman. [color=BCDD81]“I’m sorry,”[/color] He put his hands onto her arms and sighed. [color=BCDD81]“You’re right. You are a badass and I was just being stupid and protective.”[/color] His fingers wandered up to her jaw before he wrapped his hands around the back of her neck. [color=BCDD81]“Kitty, I want you to be a part of every aspect of my life. I really do. I want to share everything with you. I don’t care if that sounds sappy or too forward, I don’t give a shit.”[/color] Clay dropped his hands down to his own waist and took a slight step back away from Cat. [color=BCDD81]“Anyway you can help me, I’ll gladly take it.”[/color]

Instead of responding, Cat kept silent and turned around to put her shirt on. Her hazel eyes began to water. She didn’t want him to see her cry. This just hit home and she didn’t know how to react so all she could do is say, [color=9f1b3e]“I’m sorry…”[/color] She didn’t mean to pressure him to give in. She wanted it to be his choice but now it didn’t feel right. The tears began to run down her cheeks, [color=9f1b3e]“I’m so sorry…”[/color] What were they doing? This wasn’t right. They shouldn’t be together. She wasn’t good for him. With silent urgency, she tried to wipe her tears from under her eyes. [color=9f1b3e][i]No… stop. Don’t show him how weak you are.[/i][/color] 

[color=BCDD81]“Oh hell no,”[/color] Clay grabbed Cat by the shoulder and span her to face him. She liked it rough in bed but this was something different. [color=BCDD81]“You are not crying because I’m an idiot. You’re not doing that.”[/color] He wrapped her up into his arms and held her impossibly close against him. [color=BCDD81]“I’ve still got some growing up to do and some learning to do but there is one thing I know for sure. There ain’t nobody else in this world for me. My heart is yours. It always has been. I never want to see you cry or cause you pain. Kitty…”[/color] He gently placed his forehead against hers, their noses touching. He reached a hand behind her head and grabbed a handful of her hair. [color=BCDD81]“…I love you.”[/color]

Stunned at those last words, and still very much crying, Cat stared into Clay’s sunlight brown eyes, her heart stopping. She stood there in disbelief. [color=9f1b3e]“What?”[/color] She questioned as if those words weren’t something she had heard in years. Something completely and utterly foreign to her. [color=9f1b3e]“You… you don’t know that.”[/color] He loved her? Like truly? Why? What did she have to offer? She was just going through the motions. She had nothing to offer him. Well, aside from sex. Really, all she was, was a body. [color=9f1b3e]“You… can’t say that. We just started dating.”[/color]

[color=BCDD81]“Well, I did,”[/color] Clay was not going to back down from this one. He was a fighter. He let go of his hold from her and backed away, picking up his own clothes off of the floor and beginning to slip them on. [color=BCDD81]“I don’t expect you to say it back. Like you said, we just started dating,”[/color] He glanced over at the clock, he was going to be late and Chief Broadus would be pissed but that didn’t really matter at this point. [color=BCDD81]“But I said it. It’s not an expectation. It’s not a curse. It’s just how I feel. You can feel however you want. I just wanted you to know.”[/color] After placing a t-shirt over his bare chest, the young officer sat back down on the bed to tie his shoes.  [color=BCDD81]“I told you, Cat. I’m the guy for you.”[/color]

Even though he was saying all the right words, his actions made her ache. He was leaving her. It didn’t matter if he had a job to go to. He was leaving her. Abandoning her like every one of her lovers did. She was scared. How did he expect her to react? She was getting a divorce. An obvious example of how loveless her life has been. The only true love she’s ever felt was what she had with her kids and them for her. Cat wanted to tell him that this was all too much. That she didn’t know how she was supposed to act when she was likely more terrified of losing him than he was of her. Rather than react poorly, she finished getting dressed, slipping on her socks and shoes while standing. [color=9f1b3e]“Okay,”[/color] Cat bravely smiled. He had to go to work. The last thing she wanted to do was keep him from doing what he loved. 

Clay got up to his feet. He had fucked it. He had fucked his dream life with his dream girl and he had done it in a week. Way to go Costigan. He brushed Cat’s cheek with his palm and sighed. [color=BCDD81]“I don’t wanna go but I have to,”[/color] He leant in for a kiss again. He didn’t even know if this was what she wanted, he would be surprised if it was after all this. He should’ve just kept quiet, he should’ve just said it was a bad dream and moved on but he wanted to be honest and now the entire thing sucked. [color=BCDD81]“I’ll message you when I get finished. Let you know I’m safe.”[/color]

[color=9f1b3e]“Please do…”[/color] She muttered. Cat felt incredibly pathetic. Weak. This was all her doing. She had hurt him. That’s what she did. She hurt people and they left her. She caressed his face, brushing his hair behind his ear with her hand - the deepest sadness in her eyes, as if it was a vast ocean of endless to. [color=9f1b3e]“I’ll be waiting.”[/color] She hated herself. She hated that she couldn’t tell him she loved him back because she did. She was just so fucking terrified to say those three words and then he would leave her for good. He would hate her. What was she doing? Falling in love with Clay Costigan wasn’t part of the plan. 

[color=BCDD81]“You better be,”[/color] Clay gently pressed his lips to hers again before fully pulling away and heading towards the door. He cracked it open a touch and inhaled deeply; his face transforming into the goofy grin that he had worn like a mask for the better part of twenty years. He placed his maverick aviator shades onto his face and fired two finger guns at his good lady, [color=BCDD81]“Cos when I’m done, I’m gonna rock you like a hurricane baby.”[/color] He placed some money on the side counter. [color=BCDD81]“You already know the line,”[/color] He departed swiftly. If he had stayed, he would never have left.

After Clay left, Cat dropped to the floor. She really fucked this up. One short moment of happiness and she was already ruining it. She stood in Clay’s apartment for a good ten minutes crying and hating herself before she cleaned her face, retouched her makeup that was now flakey, and took a few deep breaths. In and out. In and out. In and out. It was time for her to do a couple of errands before she called it a night and went back to her cookie cutter family home in Eastbrook. 

Life goes on. 

It always does. 

Time and time again she went through deep waters, drowning. She didn’t realize how lonely and sad she was until Clay came in like a crashing wave. She was too busy being everyone’s anchor. That’s just the role she was given and as such, she had to own it. It was how things were supposed to be. 

Drowning… She was drowning and the only person that saw her struggle was the man she pushed away. He didn’t abandon her. He didn’t purposely leave her. He wouldn’t. She knew that. It was her. All her. Scared of being saved and actually feeling pure, unadulterated, and raw happiness. Scared of staying afloat, with a man that could carry her like no other. Why was she a walking contradiction? She didn’t want to be trapped. It suffocated her. That didn’t mean she was against him loving her, holding her, and wanting her. Caterina so desperately needed him to hold her head above water, yet there was so much doubt. Chains holding her back from loving him full heartedly and steadfast.  

Why the hell did Clay want her? 

If only she could learn to master the art of drowning. The art of learning to survive, may it be in water or emotions. But she knew she couldn’t do it alone. All she ever was, was alone. She wanted Clay to stay.

As a Belmonte, Cat had to keep it together. A smile for a smile. That’s how this game of pretend would go. There may be hurt residing inside her heart and mind but at the end of the day, she was an actress. Neither Cat or Clay could afford showing their pain. Not today, at least. 

They had to keep swimming.[/indent][/indent][/color]

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