[color=lightgray][sub][right]TW: Suicide Ideation/Attempt[/right][/sub] [center][img]https://fontmeme.com/permalink/220721/42db918ad80413d40492c8d7bade99d3.png[/img] [color=19C8AC]________________________________________________________________________________[/color] [img]https://i.imgur.com/WAezVb5.png[/img] [color=19C8AC]________________________________________________________________________________[/color] [b]Thursday, December 21, 2017 [i]In an alleyway by the drugstore[/i][/b][/center] [indent][indent]His head was pounding. And he was shivering. Or sweating. He couldn't tell. Every morning he woke up like he was going through a daze. Niles tried to cling to the things that made him happy which meant he clung to Natalia because that’s all he had. There was Gavriel too but even then their time together was limited. The most time they spent was when they both were in the clinic hanging out. Being sons of doctors had its perks. He didn’t understand why the moment he even entertained having friends outside him and Natalia she’d get incredibly insecure and panic. Natalia and him had a deal and that was they would explore each other but there would be no strings attached. In Niles’ opinion, dating was overrated and made relationships complicated. By being friends with benefits everything could stay the same, the only difference was now they had sex. A lot of fucking sex. Even with the comfort of pleasure, Niles still found himself lost, searching for Neverland. It was almost midnight and here he was, sitting on the ground in an alleyway, beaten and bruised. Honestly, he didn’t remember who he started shit with, but here he was, exhausted and unable to move. Niles blankly stared at the brick wall ahead of me. With no energy to pick himself up, his body slouched to one side, the doctor’s son reached for his phone and debated if he should call Natalia or send a text. He had reached a point in his day where all there was was fog in his brain. He couldn’t feel his body anymore which was great, it matched his insides. He preferred to feel this way. To feel nothing. If he told her about this, a repeat of last time would happen and he would make her cry. Natalia was always scared one day he would end his life. That’s why she called so much, that’s why she checked on him so much, that’s why she spent all the time she could at his side… that’s why she didn’t want anyone to ruin what they had. Huh. Is that why she didn’t let him have friends? Niles wondered what she was up to. She’s supposed to be studying for her history exam. They promised each other that they wouldn’t distract one another. That was a lie since all last night they had video sex. Microdosing so that they could succeed this week. Her hot bodice aside, he needed her to focus and to not worry about him so much. She was going to anyway but if there was one thing he learned quickly about the Belmonte family, Taz took his children’s grades extremely serious and he didn’t need that added grief if Natalia got bad marks. They were lucky enough that Taz had no idea they were fucking. Perks of getting with the favorite Belmonte 7, amiright? While Niles did want her to focus on herself, he knew she wouldn’t. He knew she was likely planning to do something special for him because she never forgot anything that mattered, especially not when it came to him. Certainly not his mother’s death day, which was tomorrow. Carrie called it her angelversary which was her way of optimistically looking at death like there was somewhere you went after you died like Neverland. Or Wonderland. Or Hell. Depends on your perspective. Truth be told, he didn’t care about what was at the end of life. All he cared about was ending his life. No matter how much time came and went, he couldn’t scream, he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t even admit to anyone that he wasn’t okay. He was far from okay. All he could do was be, just be. Being numb was much better than the monster he fought everyday. He liked it this way. Everytime he thought he was making progress, he found himself falling back into bad habits, falling back into this crippling, agonizing grief, and falling back into this place where he could hear a voice telling him that death was a cure for all lost boys. Death would take away the loneliness. Death would take you away from all reality. Death would take you to a place without pain. Niles could shut it all off and be free. All he had to do was kill himself. Unfortunately, what didn’t help his depression was his father. Hector Sinclair tried to dictate how he grieved, how all of them grieved. Believe it or not, his father was fighting worse demons than all his children combined but that didn’t give him the right to tell them how to process their grief. How they should cope with their depression. They lost their fucking mother. Hector had no relationship with his mother, he chose to lose her but Niles? Autumn? Carrie? They didn’t have a choice. A baby died that day and took her with them. Maybe it helped his father to move on and sleep around, maybe it helped his father to tell him to grow up and honor her by living life, maybe it helped his father to pretend. But it didn’t help Niles, especially when he knew that Hector didn’t care about anyone but himself. That Hector was just as much to blame for his mom’s death as the dead baby was. His mother, his beautiful mother, she lived in his head like Peter Pan. She was forever beautiful, forever youthful, forever in his heart. Never changing. She was. And never will be. She was very much alive in his head and that’s what made the arguments, the disagreements, the fights with his father more hard to deal with. His father had a temper but so did he. They didn’t hurt each other physically nor did they explode like someone with anger management issues. No, they used words and let them cut deep. So deep. And now Niles was in an alleyway thinking about those words that rang in his ears like white noise. [quote][center][i][color=208bcd]”Look at yourself… your mom would be crying right now if she saw you.” “Get over it, Niles. You’re not solving anything by moping around." “Are you fucking serious? Detention again? If you don’t get your act together, you’re getting sent away. Join your cousin at Camden." “I brought you into this world and I can take you out, boy.” [/color][/i] [/center][/quote] People told him time heals but that wasn’t true at all. Before Niles realized, he had texted both Natalia and Rye: [color=19C8AC]I’m giving up, sorry.[/color] Time kept moving and he still felt like shit. Wait, this was more than feeling like shit and there was a reason why he was fading. A feeling, this fading, rushed over him. He felt like a kid again, where he could imagine his mom tucking him in because he had woken her up telling her it was too dark. It wasn’t the dark he was afraid of. It was hearing her argue with dad. He was so weary and so tired. Was that all he wanted? Was all he needed was his mom to kiss him goodnight and tuck him in? Glancing to his side he saw prescription pills, they weren’t even his pills, and an empty bottle of Benadryl. He was getting better at hiding his isolation. Using sex covered the issues up easy. Made her not worry about him. He was getting better at this, even somehow managing to still send a cryptic message. Was it finally happening? Was he finally going to Neverland? Shit. Darkness overcame him and his body slumped in the alleyway.[/indent][/indent][/color]