[hider=Kentucky Tom]
Name: Kentucky Tom
Age: 32
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 180 pounds
Race: Human
Class: Jerkwad
Alignment: Chaotic
Eye Color: Unknown

[img]https://i.imgur.com/ObtiDEL.jpg[/img]

Weapons and Equipment: Ray-Ban sunglasses, unfiltered Wildhorse cigarettes, white suit with black belt and tie, a black 16 ounce/24-inch aluminum softball bat, a 16" Arkansas toothpick, Zippo.

Physical Abilities/Skills: Kentucky Tom is a hardass dickweed who used to be the fastest talkin' auctioneer in black market history. He has only one special ability, a swiss army knife of humiliation. His power is known as "Southern Fried Affectations". He can inflict nasty effects upon enemies by speaking the magic words of a curse and then pointing and firing a golf ball to medicine ball sized orb of arcane energy. The speed and color of the shot depend of the nastiness of the curse. Such curses as "Horndoggums Humprumpus" travel at the speed of _____, whilst curses like "Pinkwimpor Buttflamingonum" move as fast as ______. 

Those in the middle are as fast as ______. He can slow down spells as much as he wants and return them to full speed at will after firing them, as much as he likes. He can combine multiple curses into a single attack, the arcane orb increasing approximately in size with each spell added. He can speak at 1,313 words per minute. He cannot use the same curse twice in a row, a handicap offset by how the spells cannot be stopped, redirected, or impeded by anyone but Tom. He has no need for a wand, but may use his Arkansas Toothpick or baseball bat as such if desired. With his bat he can club a spell as if it were a baseball to increase its speed by up to 110 MPH (full strength swing). At the moment they're launched spells retain perfect magical accuracy towards whatever Tom will swing at, though they can't change trajectory once launched. 

His Arkansas Toothpick retains a memory of each spell channeled through it in the blade, compiling the cumulative curse effects for a single release with a nick of the blade, one at a time or altogether as Tom sees fit. As an example if he were to incant a curse to make the opponent fart and channel the arcane orb through the toothpick when he cast at them, then the next time he cut them with the knife, if he wanted they'd immediately fart a second time. 

The only way to break the persisting curses is to kill Tom, or for him to willingly dispel them. The known curses he uses are...

*"Impreggio Bitchpleasum"- Impregnates whomever he is pointing at, forcing a baby to be conceived within them. This works on men and inanimate objects. Each subsequent hit halves the pregnancy time, starting at one week pregnant. The baby is ready by week forty. (Mid-Speed)

*"Slipsoapia Faceplantium"- Spawns a square marble tile covered in lube beneath the target's feet, scaling in diameter to their height. (Slow-Speed)

*"Charactero Dangledoodius"- Spawns a random cartoon character originating from the 60's-90's above the target's head, keeping track with the target's movements. Said character proceeds to endlessly suffer from a lack of clothing and dysentery. (Mid-Speed)

*"Orphanums Clingdingems"- Spawns a small, emaciated Spanish child who will run up to the target and cling to it, while repeatedly and tearfully yelling "Papi". (Fast-Speed)

*"Slowdumdum Youbumbum"- Reduces the target's current velocity by 50% for one second. (Mid-Speed)

*"Virginio Chumpocus"- Turns the target back into a virgin if they aren't one already, and removes all their memories of sexual intimacy. (Fast-Speed)

*"Gonedonker Seenothingus"- Turns the target invisible, but not what they're holding or wearing unless the curse is aimed at said objects. Getting hit by this spell a second time restores visibility to the target. (Slow-Speed)

*"Vitalico Animateum"- Every time a target with eyes is struck by this curse their visual perception will change to an animation style, from anime to South Park, from Disney to hand puppets. (Slow-Speed)

*"ComeOnio ImTalkinHere"- Tom's voice becomes 20% louder to the target each time they are struck by this curse, and it will sound as if he's speaking right into their ears. (Mid-Speed)

*"Smokebreakum Kickbackius"- Blesses the cigarette Tom is currently holding, so that as soon as he places it between his lips he gets to enjoy a solid 10 second smoke break of invincibility while he lights up and takes a drag. He will remain immoveable where he is, and cannot cast any other curses during the duration. This spell can only be used once every two hours. (Slow-Speed)

*"Tippytoenus Huntumdownum"- Causes the next projectile spell to be cast to home in on the target for the next 5 seconds, but at half speed. (Mid-Speed)

*"Chicken Scratch"- Imbues Tom with the traction, speed, and agility of a mighty giant chicken, allowing him to sprout phantom talons from his feet as phantom chicken legs overlap with his own. With this ability active he can run at subsonic speeds and sprint up walls, as well as claw opponents with enough force and cleaving power to slash an engine block into clean pieces. (Passive Ability)

*"Wild Wings"- Allows Tom to instantly sprout a giant set of intangible chicken wings that allow him to fly at supersonic speeds. (Passive Ability)

*"Chicken Skin"- Grants Tom the strength and durability of a mighty giant chicken, coating his body with phantasmal plumage and scaly skin like ghost armor. The chicken skin absorbs energy, allowing Tom to dampen his own inertia to stop on a dime while removing the negative effects of G-Force and inertia on his body. It's durable enough to allow Tom to survive within the epicenter of a 100 kiloton atomic bomb, renders him nonconductive and insulated against electricity, and shields him from radiation. In addition to all this it maintains his normal body temperature, enabling him to survive in virtually any environment. Additionally this makes him strong enough to lift the Hoover Dam above his head. (Passive Ability)

*"Birb Beak"- Endows Tom with the formidable phantom wattle, comb, and beak of a grand rooster. With these magical constructs he can breath unlimited oxygen in any environment, speak with inhuman speed, and peck divots the size of ice cream cones into any solid matter. (Passive Ability)

*"Bird's Eye View"- Enhances Tom's vision so he can see through matter, energy, and dimensions, and also allows him to manipulate the speed of his own mental faculties, reflexes, and perceptions to the point of making the downstroke of a lightning bolt appear about as fast as a dart fired from a dollar store toy gun. What's more this ability allows him a bird's eye view, thus he can look down from any height and angle directly above his own body up to the distance of the troposphere. (Passive Ability)

*"Holewallius Longfallius"- Creates a temporary, randomly positioned Tom-sized spatial hole in any energy or nonliving matter the spell flies through. As an example if a wall of fire was launched at Tom and he incanted the curse in time, the arcane orb would bore a hole in the fire randomly shaped such that Tom would need to, say, T-pose to pass safely through. Yes, exactly like the game show. (Fast-Speed)

*"Schmoozius Spillickus"- Forces the target to yell out one one of their physical weaknesses, or if they have none then a mental weakness instead. (Mid-Speed)

*"Shiregoodie Stinkfootie"- Turns the opponent's feet into hairy hobbit feet plagued with toenail fungus, scaled to size. (Mid-Speed)

*"Wingdingus Formflingus"- The target's flesh fuses with any fried chicken it comes into contact with, integrating the cuisine into itself as a moving extension of the body. (Mid-Speed)

*"Offendorum Pissdoffio"- Forces the target to clearly and confidently speak an anti-Semitic remark. Every other time they are struck by this spell they must loudly and proudly proclaim a racist statement. (Fast-Speed)

*"Heilhickey Poopchickey"- Conjures a giant flapping banner fifty feet away and fifty feet high from the target, depicting a golden chicken crapping on the top of someone's pale, bald head. Inlaid in gold below this is the phrase, "Yo bald ass, fat ass momma". The target must stand at attention and perform a proper Navy salute to this banner with their dominant hand as quickly as they can. (Mid-Speed)

*"Dumpfunky Buttmonkey"- Causes a butt-monkey to emerge from the target's anus (if they have one), just like that scene in Bruce Almighty. (Slow-Speed)

*"Flipfloppums Clipcloppums"- If the target is wearing flip-flops, the flip-flips will instantly turn into Japanese wooden sandals. (Fast-Speed)

*"Swoledomus Bigbrainus"- Makes the target's head 10% larger and heavier without actually making them smarter. (Slow-Speed)

*"Whutbuttus Slapblindicus"- If the opponent loses sight of Tom they forget he ever existed until they see him again for the next 10 seconds. (Slow-Speed)

*"Countdowndo Dumbclowndo"- Makes an ominous red digital timer appear to fill up the space on any flat surface Tom points at. (Fast-Speed)

*"Zingdingius Zapcrackus"- Makes the target's penis, if they have one, function as a lightning rod that attracts all electrical attacks to itself. (Mid-Speed)

*"Phonefriendo Blastendo"- Allows Tom to make a call on any phone to any other living tournament fighter, and if they agree to serve as a 'lifeline' a portal that continuously faces the enemy will appear, allowing said temporary ally to unleash a single attack. The contact called will hear a ring-a-ding before Tom's voice resounds in their head to ask for an assist. (Slow-Speed)

*"WeeMan Shinkickums"- Spawns Jackass star Jason Acuña, known also as 'Wee Man'. He will continually attack the target for 10 seconds, imbued with a physicality capable of performing feats in the ballpark of what Tom or the selected target have demonstrated since the beginning of the fight. (Slow-Speed)

"*Springarooney Trapsnappums"- Converts any manmade inanimate object into a size scaled jack-in-the-box transplanted onto whatever surface it'd been in contact with, with a brief Pop Goes the Weasel jingle playing. When the song completes the object will blast out from the box on a spring at approximately the highest attack speed witnessed or demonstrated by Tom during the current fight. One second after deploying, the object will return to its original form and position. (Mid-Speed)

*"Sucknutus Switcheroonio"- The target's spatial positioning is reversed, instantly turning them 180 degrees on a horizontal and/or vertical axis depending on Tom's preference. (Slow-Speed)

*"Pissedprick Swingdingus"- The target's dick will double in size every time the spell lands and become aggressive towards its owner, seeking to clobber nonstop the one it's attached to with all its strength. (Fast-Speed)

*"Gooberschnozz Leaksnoutius"- The target's nose will grow to five times normal size and continuously leak copious amounts of magically created mucous. (Mid-Speed)

*"Snapslappem Dadwhappem"- Endows Tom's belt with the essence of Whoopassery, enabling it to stripe the ass of any sentient being bent over Tom's knee regardless of durability, six ways to Sunday. Every lash represents a day you were a disappointment to your father. If Tom lands the seventh stripe on his target's behind and beats them all the way to Sunday, they instantly lose a week's worth of sleep and forget who their real father was, if they ever had one, all memories of a patriarchal parent replaced by Tom. (Mid-Speed)

*"Estatecrashio Housingmarketum"- The Target's local housing market crashes, depreciating their home significantly. Spawns a repo man five yards away to deliver the news and then leave. (Fast-Speed)

*"Natzeepoopzee Ipsyoopsy"- The target will sprout a Hitler mustache, and a swastika will be either sewn, spray painted, or tattooed on their left shoulder depending on what they're wearing or lack thereof. (Fast-Speed)

*"Tunnelarium Inglourious"- Spawns a cave on a large enough surface from which the Bear Jew may emerge. (Mid-Speed)

*"Batsmackio Clobberknobbium"- Spawns the Bear Jew from Inglourious Basterds for 30 seconds, complete with baseball bat and dramatic entrance. He must make his dramatic entrance, which will take exactly as long as it did in the movie. When he emerges he'll be capable of similar physical feats to whatever Tom performed, or witnessed his opponent performing. After emerging he will try to kill any organism bearing a Hitler mustache or a swastika. (Fast-Speed)

*"Baldickus Bodilicious"- Instantly removes all the hair on your body. (Fast-Speed)

*"Fidgetnips Spindiculum"- Turns the target's nipples into fidget spinners. (Fast-Speed)

*"Gayroticus Weinerfestum"- Turns the victim gay. (Mid-Speed)

*"Fartilliarum Skidmarkius"- Gives the victim constant messy farts. (Fast-Speed)

*"Bendicus Disciplinium"- Forcibly bends any vaguely humanoid target over Tom's knee for anywhere between 7 to 11 seconds if he's kneeling or sitting down, in position for an ass whooping.(Slow-Speed)

*"Chairsittius Plopcheekinus"- Spawns a commercially available chair of a large enough level surface where Tom is pointing. (Fast-Speed)

*"Securio Pantyho"- Spawns a fine leather belt around Tom's waist to hold his pants up. (Fast-Speed)

*"Clingwingus Dingpingus"- Turns the target into a 'bird magnet' for 20 seconds. All birds and things that come from birds (such as excrement, feathers, and body parts) within a 10 mile radius will be inexorably drawn to the target's center mass. (Slow-Speed)

*"Cellphonio Mobilium"- Spawns a functioning cell phone into Tom's open hand. (Fast-Speed)

*"Doubledickium Hydraflickium"- Turns the target's penis, if they have one, into a hemi-penis. (Fast-Speed)

*"Highkiteus Stonerium"- Spawns a blunt in the target's hand. (Fast-Speed)

*"Pinkwimpor Buttflamingonum"- Turns the victim's skin pink. (Fast-Speed)

*"Retardingus Shitheadellus"- Lowers the victim's I.Q by 3 points. (Mid-Speed)

*"Racistimo Hatefation"- Makes the victim extremely racist against minorities. (Fast-Speed)

*"Drunkskunkio Beerbellius"- Makes the victim as drunk as they'd be after having ingested two pints of beer. Each subsequent hit increases their inebriation by another two beers. (Mid-Speed)

*"Dirtlingus Shoutloudius"- Forces the victim to yell out their deepest, dirtiest secret and then proceed to do so again every two minutes. Each time Tom hits a victim with this curse, it halves the time that they can go without shouting. (Fast-Speed)

*"Whiteytightus Fucknuttums"- Makes the victim's underwear ultra-tight and uncomfortable. Each hit by the curse makes the ol' drawers get tighter and tighter until the waistband snaps. (Fast-Speed)

*"Beardantili Hipsterium"- Gives the victim a huge beard. Each hit increases the beard length by 18 inches. (Fast-Speed)

*"Nudesweeta Bareassum"- Evaporates the target's clothing/armor into an embarrassing gooey honey mist. (Slow-Speed)

*"Furrynekus Fucknuttus"- Materializes a random fursuit onto the victim. (Mid-Speed)

*"Pisswiggums Bladdersmallis"- Makes the victim have to pee really bad. (Fast-Speed)

*"Horndoggums Humprumpus"- Makes the victim insanely sexually attracted to the next thing Kentucky Tom points at. It takes tremendous will to resist and becomes a major distraction. (Slow-Speed)

*"Nipgantius Bigtittumus"- The target's breasts will grow to five times normal size. (Slow-Speed)

*"Fatassium Bastardus"- Makes the target obese. (Slow-Speed)

*"Lolhardickus"- Forces the victim to have a boner. If used on a female or an inanimate object, it will materialize the required dick upon their being. (Fast-Speed)

*"Pussysobbium Crybabius"- Makes the victim cry uncontrollably. (Mid-Speed)

*"Racechangium Laughardiculum"- Changes the victim's race. By changing the first word to "Sexchangium" Tom can alter gender instead. (Mid-Speed)

*"Narratium Expositorium"- Forces the victim to narrate their actions as they do them in a deep, dramatic voice. They cannot complete their attack until the end of the narration. (Slow-Speed)

*"Smurftardicus Squeakerotica"- Gives the victim a high pitched helium voice, a Smurf hat, and Roblox T-shirt. (Fast-Speed)

*"Butthorkus Limporkus"- The victim becomes a transgender drag queen complete with unwieldy high heels and wig. (Mid-Speed)

*"Hamhockio Pigittums"- Gives the victim the ears, tail, and snout of a pig. (Fast-Speed)

*"Blindorial Nerdwerdus"- Makes the victim near and short sighted, and materializes a pair of prescription glasses onto their face. (Mid-Speed)

*"Shiznittus Slidedownio"- Spawns a 6' by 12' bin full of hot, crispy Popeye's chicken on any appropriately sized level surface. (Fast-Speed)

*"Gatlingus Spitflingus"- The longer Tom can consecutively cast incantations without taking a breath, the faster each concurrent spell may be spoken. Each spell incanted without taking a breath will be spoken 10% faster than the last. (Passive Ability)

*"Snackalackius"- Spawns some regular size nachos and beer on a level surface. (Fast-Speed)

*"Pizzamugums Pubertum"- Gives the victim a load of acne. (Fast-Speed)

*"Glasswhackius Buttmunchickus"- Makes the victim instantly punch the nearest person with glasses in the face nice and hard, even if it's their self. (Mid-Speed)

*"Dildus Rubberium"- Turns an enemy's weapon into a twelve inch black dildo. (Slow-Speed)

*"Beachbaggo Burnsacko"- Instantly gives the victim a full body sunburn, the kind that hurts like a bitch if you so much as get in the shower. (Slow-Speed)

*"Foolookius Overthereius"- Makes the victim look where Tom is pointing. (Slow-Speed)

*"Itchums MacGuiness"- Gives the victim several dozen full body mosquito bites. Very itchy. (Slow-Speed)

*"Curvius Pervius"- Causes the next projectile curse to fly 50% faster and follow a corkscrew trajectory. (Fast-Speed)

*"Nickicks Nikey-O"- Removes any footwear the target currently has on and replaces it with any appropriately-sized commercially available footwear Tom has in mind. (Mid-Speed)

*"Tripflippums Tiekickums"- Instantly and magically ties the target's shoelaces together if they have 'em, and magically reinforces the shoes/laces to be durable enough to survive a tank shell. (Mid-Speed)

*"Pointdoinkio Backselfium"- Causes the target to angle their lead or dominant hand at their own chest as quickly as they can, and hold it there for one second. (Mid-Speed)

*"Boomerango Whackskanko"- The next projectile curse Tom casts, if it misses its target, will return to Tom's hand for a second throw after curving twenty feet past said target.

*"Quickcurvum Sideswipeus"- The next projectile curse Tom casts will, if at any point it winds up perpendicular to where the target is facing (immediately to their right or left), abruptly change direction at a 90-degree angle to fly at them from the side without losing speed.

*"Opendickus Nofendickus"- Forces the target to open their hands and spread their fingers. (Mid-Speed)

*"Clapclappagus Mudflappagus"- Makes the target dummy thicc and forces their cheeks to incessantly clap. (Mid-Speed)

*"Clucknuttus Chimkennuggus"- Turns one of the opponent's testicles into a chicken nugget.

*"Arthriticus Brittlespindicus"- Gives the target advanced arthritis if they have hands. (Slow-Speed)

*"Yomumma Ahumma"- Makes the target's mother morbidly obese, if they're alive. (Mid-Speed)

*"Ballchinian Fallwinnian"- Moves the target's testicles onto their chin, exactly like a Ballchinian from that MIB movie.

*"Stampedeum Teambeatium"- Summons the entire Arkansas Razorbacks football team from 10 meters away trample over the target as they run by, if said target is on level ground. The team's cleats ignore conventional durability and each player's physical ability is scaled to the ballpark of any physical feats Tom performed or witnessed since the beginning of the current fight.

----

[u][b]~Forbidden Incantations~[/b][/u]

Some of Tom's curses are far crueler and more likely to indirectly inflict harm than the others. These spells, he will only whip out if his opponent is coming with lethal force.

*"Petblockit Cockblockem"- Conjures out of thin air and into Tom's hands an innocent and harmless pet animal whose body will absorb all energy delivered to it within a timeframe equal to how long Tom took to speak the incantation. After the time is up the animal will detonate with all the collective energy that'd been stockpiled inside its body.

*"Chickdickus Kickchickus"- Turns the target's genitalia into an actual live chicken growing out from between their legs, becoming an actual part of their body. The chicken's back, it's spine, is where it is connected like a Siamese twin to the target where their junk would normally be. (Slow-Speed)

*"Chopboardem Stumpfloorem"- Spawns a giant, five ton chopping board thirty feet long and twenty feet wide in an open spot Tom points at. Any lifeform with a neck, at least four feathers, and two wings whose head touches the magic wood will find themselves stuck to the surface for four seconds while Tom is granted a massive cleaver with a blade as broad as half the board's dimensions. If he strikes the target's neck whilst their head is on the chopping board the cleaver will ignore conventional durability. (Fast-Speed)

*"Inneroonie Childalooney"- Regresses the target physically and mentally by two years, de-aging them. (Slow-Speed)

*"Blenderbinins Chickenfixins"- Spawns out of thin air a blender/chicken nugget grouting machine large enough to scale onto any level surface where Tom points.

*"Call the Police"- If Tom uses a magically spawned cell phone to call the cops, three cop cars and a total of six officers will respond on-scene within three minutes regardless of location to conduct an investigation.

*"Sizzsplatter Frygreasem"- A 50 foot tall spiritual effigy of the Kentucky Fried Colonel will appear directly behind Tom and follow him around, brandishing a fry pot the size of a large bathtub filled with boiling vegetable oil. With its arms capable of moving as fast as a commercial airline at cruise speed, for two minutes or until the oil pot is emptied, the effigy will attempt to fry the target. (Slow-Speed)

*"Grapeapeia Boonrapea"- Spawns a large adult male chimp where Tom is pointing, fully shaved and colored purple. The chimp is incredibly hostile to whomever stands the highest, and will be capable of performing at whatever physical ability Tom has thus far observed in an opponent, based on his own layman's perception. If Tom sees with his naked eyes that a target is able to throw a fast punch that shatters a wall, the ape can also quickly shatter a wall. The ape will fight to the death but it's also really dumb, being a monkey and all. (Slow-Speed)

*"ShootHoopio KobeOoop"- Spawns a floating invincible basketball hoop (commercially sized) five feet above the target's head, which perfectly keeps track with their movements even through dimensions. Anything that passes more than halfway beyond the golden metal ring is accelerated through the netting at 169x its original speed. (Slow-Speed)

*"Angrybird Cuccoturd"- If Tom has lost more than a cup of blood, he may summon a swarm of 100 enraged chickens to assail the target from any visual blindspos. The chickens fly at supersonic speeds, each with the mass of a frozen turkey and a suicidal disregard for their own lives.

*"Vaderio Timeus"- It instantly becomes Vader Time. Big Van Vader in his prime materializes to perform his entrance, complete with a phantom announcer, light show, and of course his theme song. He will physically scale to the ballpark of any physical feats performed or witnessed by Tom since the beginning of the current fight, and any force or energy created during his intro will also be generated at a 1:1 ratio within the wrestler's body, such that he can exert physical force equivalent to all the generated energy collected in either one lump sum or meted out at will, and he may also convert the energy to mass. After the intro finishes Vader will aggress the target for 34 seconds, but during this time Tom cannot directly harm the target himself.

*"Chickenbone Blues"- The most straightforward of Tom's curses. Causes a jagged, cracked in half chicken leg bone from a roast or fried chicken to spawn in the back of the target's mouth. It'd be scaled to an appropriate size that if the target is unwary it'll lodge in their throat as a choking hazard. (Fast-Speed)

Background: Kentucky Tom grew up in the rough part of town, living off his smart mouth. Shooting insults came naturally to him. He pissed off teachers, parents, drivers, senators, dogs, you name it. He got into a wide variety of scuffles, made a name for himself as both a quicksilver tongue and a mean back alley brawler. He never had much cash, since his job as an auctioneer didn't pay all that well. But then one day, everything changed. He met an old fakir who beseeched Tom to sell an old Porsche for enough money to bail his deviant grandson out of jail. Tom felt pity for the mystic and at the next auction, sold the vehicle for twice what it was really worth. Out of gratitude the fakir bestowed upon Kentucky Tom the  power to create hilarious curses with incantations.

Tom has since set out to seek his fortune, and nothing will stand between him and a quick buck.

Theme Music: 
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwIPiw4_Ba8[/youtube]

[/hider]