[color=957b4a][indent][indent][center][url=https://www.roleplayerguild.com/users/metanoia][img]https://i.imgur.com/3L3ixWD.png[/img][/url]  [img]https://i.imgur.com/IagRbeB.png[/img]  [url=https://www.roleplayerguild.com/users/venus][img]https://i.imgur.com/YZvxuqc.png[/img][/url]
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[sub][b][color=#E62020]T[/color] [color=#DA2735]I[/color] [color=#CF2F4B]M[/color] [color=#C43661]E[/color] [color=#B83E76]S[/color] [color=#AD458C]T[/color] [color=#A24DA2]A[/color] [color=#9755B7]M[/color] [color=#8B5CCD]P[/color][/b] — Evening (4:40-5:30ishPM) || After [url=https://www.roleplayerguild.com/posts/5391965]Useless Musings[/url][/sub]
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Somewhere inside, Jade felt guilty for taking a leave almost as soon as their stuff was deposited into Adora’s home. She felt guilty because after so long of leaving not just Key but Poppy in the dirt, as soon as they were free to roam around, she exited stage left…somewhere. Truth of the matter, Jade needed some time alone. She needed some breathing room. She needed to gather her thoughts away from Poppy, away from Key, and away from Natalia. She was suffocating to the point where all of the compartmentalization she had made about what she was feeling versus…everything surrounding this trip: from Charlie to Charlie having a sister to the fact that, honestly, she wasn’t ready to face them.

That’s what took Jade to the backyard patio area of Adora’s house. She was still somewhat nearby the others, but far enough that she could think and breathe in peace. For the first time, Jade took in the sights. She stood at some edge but saw the surroundings for the first time. It was breathtaking. At face value, it wasn’t much to look at, but there was something about it - something that Jade couldn’t explain - that made her feel relaxed. It wasn’t just relaxing for her stress levels (which had been abnormally high since this morning), but she would even say spiritually, she felt something.

And Jade wasn’t a spiritual person. Or if she was, she’d much prefer the Prince of Darkness to the big person up top. But this was different.

She pulled out a cigarette from a pack of Marlboro 100s Red that she had in her back pocket and popped one in her mouth. Lighting it, she stood almost solemnly. These moments alone gave her some time to think. As she huffed out a big puff of smoke and she glanced at the sky. It made her mind drift to the storm. She wondered if Pancake was safe. Somewhere inside, Jade also felt guilty for not telling her she was leaving. She just hoped Anya was okay, safe, and out of harm’s way of the storm.

Frowning slightly, she heard some noise from behind her. Jade was always on her guard - except for those Sunday morning dates with Anya where she didn’t have to be - so when she heard what sounded like footsteps, Jade jumped in place defensively only to notice the artist formerly known as Queen Bee of Edenridge High, Class of 2020 was behind her. [color=e62020]“So what? You needed some time alone too?” [/color]

[color=7B68EE]You could say that,”[/color] Natalia said with a small smile, settling on one of the royal blue lawn chairs in front of the fire pit with her trusty blue makeup bag in her arms. After a brief catch-up with Adora in which the two women lamented the end of Tal's relationship with their hostess' nephews but were happy it had been an amicable split, the young woman had been quick to barricade herself in the bedroom she had shared with Creed and Jokes during their Blue Hill visits. Spending over an hour in close proximity to Charlie's friends had left her muscles tense and her nerves shot with anxiety, leaving her with no other choice than to pop a few Valiums and lay down in an attempt to self-soothe. She kept an ear out for the voices of the rest of the Southies, waiting for the moment in which they faded away. And once she determined the other guests were gone, Tal embraced the opportunity to find comfort in solitude and the cool, fresh mountain air.

[color=7B68EE]“Poppy and Boa gone?”[/color] Tal asked Jade, occupying herself by loading a dose of freshly-grinded weed onto her trusty galaxy purple glass pipe. She hadn’t expected to find any of the Southies still at the house, but a part of her was grateful that it was Jade and not Poppy.

She watched Natalia claim one of the chairs and with a slight shrug more for herself, a sort of ‘might as well’, non-verbal reaction, Jade took the one opposite of her. There was something awkward in the air. Jade didn’t know if it was how she was feeling, how Queen Belmonte was feeling, or just the fact that she didn’t really know Natalia enough to feel comfortable around her, yet in her current state, she preferred her company to anyone else’s right now. The guilt for ditching her friends and family was still eating away at her, so maybe that’s why she felt this way. 

[color=e62020]“Yeah, it seems like it. I don’t know where to, though. I just came this way to get some air.”[/color] Jade absentmindedly said. She wasn’t even looking at Natalia - not really, anyways. She casually took a couple puffs of the cigarette, blowing the smoke into the air as she found herself leaning back into the chair.

The Belmonte girl snorted. [color=7B68EE]"Honestly? There's not enough air or oxygen on this Earth that'll make me feel any less stressed about all of this,"[/color] Natalia told Jade, pulling out her zippo lighter from the makeup bag and flicking it open.

Jade brought her gaze to Natalia. There was something eating away at her and now was as good of a time as any to say it. [color=e62020]“You know, this might be rude, but honestly I always thought you were kind of a bitch. Not a bitch like Lanie Lancaster. That one was insufferable. More bitch like ‘oh she might ruin my day if I get in her way but probably be friends with me too’ kind of bitch.”[/color] As she rambled on, Jade inhaled another puff of smoke. [color=e62020]“Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Feel free to ignore me and get high if you want.”[/color]

Natalia's face lit up in a smile at Jade's comment. In a town full of secrets and lies, the blonde's honesty was quite refreshing. [color=7B68EE]"You're not that far off in your assumption,"[/color] Tal admitted, placing the pipe to her lips, flicking the lighter on under the pipe and allowing the flame to light up the weed. She took a long, deep drag from the pipe and released it in a steady stream of smoke before continuing. [color=7B68EE]"I'm not proud of some of the things I've said and done throughout my life, or the way I've acted in certain situations. I've felt hurt, I’ve felt lonely, and I’ve been scared to show any signs of being weak or vulnerable-- which I'm not saying to justify anything, by the way-- so I've lashed out in ways that hurt people I care about,"[/color] she explained, her mind immediately jumping to Danny, Niles, and even Kylee during the last time she saw her-- people who hadn’t deserved her harsh treatment even if they had knowingly or unknowingly hurt her with their actions.

Jade just had to chuckle and smile at the response she got. She was smiling because, as much as she hated to admit it, she was the same way (more or less). Jade was horrible to a few people. Some not so memorable, but one in particular, one Roddy Callahan, had always stood out. Some days she wished she had made amends with him, and apologized for being a grade-a bitch to him. He developed feelings for her and, instead of trying to see if she did too (she might’ve), Jade split like it was nobody’s business.

[color=e62020]“Seems we’re cut from the same cloth.”[/color] Jade laughed again, leaning forward, flicking her cigarette that was no larger than her fingernail into the unlit fire pit at the center. “Well, at least you have the balls to be a bitch to people to their faces.” Jade stayed leaning forward, her arms positioned over her thigh (just an inch or two shy of her knee). Her gaze was down closer to the ground than it was level or at Natalia. [color=e62020]“Me? I’m a coward. I run away, hide, and keep even those closest to me at arm’s length at a time.”[/color]

The dark-haired girl immediately scoffed and raised her eyebrows. [color=7B68EE]"Did you not see the state of my room when you guys came over earlier? What do you think I've been doing the past two weeks?"[/color] Tal confessed, taking another pull from her pipe. [color=7B68EE]"All I remember about the last fourteen days is getting high, getting food and falling asleep. I made sure to only leave my room when everyone else wasn’t around because I didn't want to explain myself to anyone. Fuck, I even deactivated my socials and everything so people wouldn't be able to message me ask me about things. Which, from what you're telling me, looks like you can relate to as well."[/color]

Jade laughed again, slightly nodding. [color=e62020]“That obvious huh? Guess you weren’t queen bee for nothing.”[/color] Another small chuckle escaped through her lips as Jade’s gaze remained on the firepit. The thoughts of the past immediately flooded her mind as though the fires from hell themselves consumed her, burning away whatever peace the Angel Princess had achieved in the journey here. [color=e62020]“So as you so aptly guessed, you aren’t the only one who said--”[/color] Jade leaned back and flipped the bird in no general direction [color=e62020]“--to the world. I was never that active on any socials. Think all I have is a Reddit account but even that’s not used very often. But the whole not answering messages and calls? Yeah, I fucked off for a whole month. Didn’t matter who it was: my Aunt Zippo’s family, Pops, Key, even Mikhail Zima reached out once or twice.”[/color] She laughed, thinking about HB and how even though they didn’t talk that much, he still cared enough to reach out. [color=e62020]“I didn’t care -- I [i]couldn’t[/i] care. That whole night at the Carlisle House…”[/color]

As Jade had finally looked up at Natalia, as she saw the Italian girl smoke her pipe, her emotions swirled inside. Swirled to the point where she felt that familiar vice grip of that night take a hold of her. Unlike that night, however, Jade had made some peace with it. [color=e62020]“Instead of leaning on my friends - my [i]family[/i] - I couldn’t face them. Every one of them who knew said I wasn’t at fault. And part of me understands that. Too many things were at play and it’s not like I could do anything to stop ReyRey from what he did to Charlie, but I never said anything until that night.”[/color] Saying it out loud was difficult for her. She thought she might talk this way with Poppy, but guilt prevented Jade from feeling strong enough to talk about this with her or even Key. Somehow doing that with Natalia, someone she had barely any connection with, was easier. [color=e62020]“Despite that, you had a connection with Charlie too. I can’t imagine how it was for you, having to hear everything.”[/color]

Natalia was quiet for a while, listening to Jade elaborate on the way she’d coped with things and feeling a strange sense of consolation. She wouldn’t have guessed that she and Jade dealt with their problems in similar ways: pushing her loved ones aside. Not just that, but she wouldn’t have thought that they shared a similar feeling regarding their failure to help Charlie during his time of need. However, when the conversation shifted to her potential connection to Charlie, the Italian girl’s demeanor reverted back to its usual high guard.

[color=7B68EE]"He was my dealer. That's all it was,"[/color] Tal answered curtly, shifting her slightly tearful eyes away from Jade and to the pine trees surrounding them as her body tensed up. Flashbacks of the moments shared with Charlie throughout the years jumped to the forefront of her mind, each one more meaningful than the last, all culminating in that fateful day in which she witnessed his premature demise swiftly delivered by the hand of Sly James and his bullet to the Native boy's head. Before their excursion to Carlisle and the old high school, Natalia had compartmentalized and suppressed the memory for nearly two years. But after that night, the visions of her former lover meeting his end haunted her dreams, and only the pills and the weed knocked her out enough to avoid the nightmares that followed.

The blonde found herself narrowing her blue-green eyes at Natalia the moment that she saw her gaze drift away from her own. Jade knew it all too well that, on the southside, if you had a dealer, they were more than that. But at the same time, as much as she wanted to assume, if she were in Natalia’s position, she’d hate for anyone to assume something that might not even be true. What Charlie became after a certain point, as much as it kills her to assume it, he became like a stranger to her.

[color=e62020]“Sorry, I didn’t…”[/color] Fuck, Jade was terrible at this: the awkward apology for her own damn assumptions. She kept her eyes on the former queen even if she didn’t want to look at her. [color=e62020]“It’s just, in the Southside, we don’t really view dealers as just that. I get you’re a Northsider, but you strike me as someone who is more Southie than Northie. Hell, my own dealer, Sunshine, he’s someone I’ve known for the longest time. Ever since I met Key since I was thirteen, I’ve always been close to his crew. Sonny is the one who gave me some pills. Still got 'em with me just in case I needed a pick-me-up.”[/color] And at this rate, Jade would probably need them sooner than later.

The Belmonte girl remained silent once more, pondering her options. Here was an opportunity to come clean about her involvement with Charlie Decker with someone who seemed to carry the same guilt she did. Jade had been open with her so far-- more so than Tal would have ever imagined considering they’d been strangers just mere minutes before. And she had also shown vulnerability in the things she’d disclosed and the way she had disclosed them. But was Tal ready to do the same?

[color=7B68EE]"I guess you could say we were friends,"[/color] she lied, taking another puff from the pipe but still avoiding the blonde's eyes. She was afraid they would contradict the words being spoken-- that they would reveal she and Charlie had been drawn to one another, and that they'd been more than friends at one point in time. [color=7B68EE]"I started buying from him after Niles Sinclair and I stopped being friends. One of those times, he noticed I wasn't being myself. He offered me a joint, asked me what was wrong, and we got to talking about it. It was nice."[/color] Tal admitted, the ghost of a smile on her lips as she remembered her first real conversation with Charlie Decker: the one that started it all. [color=7B68EE]"We had smoking sessions and deep talks about this and that a few more times after that. He was honestly the best person to talk to if you wanted to dig deep into the meaning of things. It was one of the things I enjoyed most about him."[/color]

Jade didn’t expect [i]this[/i] to happen. Honest to every damn God and spirit around, Jade didn’t see herself having a conversation about [i]Charlie[/i] with someone she not only didn’t have a close connection with, but someone who had the same experiences that she did. She was experiencing a lost feeling that she hadn’t felt in years. Any time that she thought about Charlie Decker, it was always met with profound sadness, mixed with regret and pain. All of that from the last two years of Charlie’s life and how very little she talked to him. She was going through her own shit, as he was, but...

But Jade wished she had reached out. God, she wished more than anything that she would have just said hello. Have another go at it, but it never happened. And while he was gone, he wasn’t forgotten. This very moment was proof of that.

[color=e62020]“I bet you were the one to start it off, right?”[/color] Jade smiled and laughed, remembering how Charlie was at that game before the party. [color=e62020]“He had a way about him. For someone so wise beyond his years and a love for literature, he sure sucked at getting his thoughts out.”[/color] Somewhere deep down, Jade wished things had been different that day. At the game. 

Natalia turned to look at Jade for the first time since their common friend had been brought up in conversation. [color=7B68EE]“I mean, you’re half-right. Charlie wasn’t really one to talk about himself in detail much-- at least with me. He’d drop breadcrumbs about things he was going through here and there, making it sound almost like a riddle you needed to decipher to find out what he really meant. But starting the conversations? That was all him.”[/color]

Now that she took the time to really think about it, Charlie definitely knew more about her than she ever did about him. It wasn’t for lack of trying, because God knew Tal certainly tried her best to offer him the same shoulder to cry on he gave her. But Charlie always found a way to circle topics back to her or shift them in a different direction. Maybe if she’d tried harder, pushed further, dug deeper… Maybe he would have finally bared his soul enough to protect them all from what came after.

[color=e62020]“That sounds about right.”[/color] Jade said absentmindedly, switching from half-smiles and neutral expressions in the course of a few moments. She remembered conversations she had with Charlie. Conversations that, even before that horrific night where everything changed, what Natalia said… [color=e62020]“Charlie never did like to talk about what was on his mind. Or what was happening with him. I was one of his best friends at one point and even I knew very little about what was [i]really[/i] happening in his life.”[/color] Saying that out loud felt like she was stabbing herself in the gut repeatedly. To actually say that she may not have known Charlie at all, that…

That was a reality check Jade never thought she’d face, least of all with somebody that she didn’t know had such a profound connection with him. 

Hearing Jade admit that Charlie wasn’t very open with her did ease some of Natalia’s conscience. While she still wished she would have tried harder to earn his trust, it was a little comforting to know that it hadn’t been just her. Unfortunately, knowing what she did now and how it all ended, hoping that he’d had someone to confide in even if it hadn’t been them, was futile.

Jade felt the curious cat poke its head and there was something she needed to ask. [color=e62020]“When was it that you had started having these talks with him?”[/color] 

[color=7B68EE]“March of Sophomore year,”[/color] Natalia responded without hesitation, taking yet another pull from the pipe. [color=7B68EE]“I started buying from him almost as soon as we got back to school from winter break, but we actually started talking in March. Why?"[/color]

[color=e62020]“I'm just thinking about him. About everything.”[/color] Pain surfaced in her voice, forcing her to fall silent, but Jade was still smiling. [color=e62020]“I guess when things around me and, I suppose everyone else too, were happening all at once and I started to lose touch with him, that was around the same time you…and he started talking. I think I’m happy he found someone to talk to, even if he didn’t admit much to you about what he was going through, it seemed like he felt safe around you.”[/color] In truth, that’s the best way Jade could look at it. Her biggest regret was not doing more, but at least he had somebody. She had made her peace with most of it, but unintentionally so, this had opened up some old wounds for her. 

The green-eyed girl swallowed the lump forming on her throat, getting misty-eyed once more as even more memories of her time spent with Charlie bubbled up to the surface. [color=7B68EE]“Not as safe as I felt around him,”[/color] she heard herself confessing. [color=7B68EE]“I cared about him so much-- more than words can ever say. In high school, I was surrounded by a ton of people. I had one or two friends that I trusted, but Charlie was the only one who really saw me from the beginning. He gave me one look, and that’s all it took for him to know what kind of mood I was in. He made me feel heard. He knew what to say to make me feel like I was worth a damn when I thought I couldn’t see it myself. He did so much for me-- hell, he did so much for so many people--, and none of us could do anything to save him--”[/color] Out of nowhere and before she could stop herself, Natalia dropped her pipe in her lap, hid her face between her hands and started to sob.

Without even thinking about it, Jade left the chair she was in, going close to Natalia. She was on one knee. Her hand was gently resting on Natalia’s shoulder. The Angel Princess was at a loss of what to say because she didn’t think there was anyone else other than herself and Poppy who felt this way about Charlie. Who held such a deep regret for not being able to help him. Jade held her own shortcomings with Charlie so harshly against her that even before the shooting, it crippled her. And after, in addition to so many other bad events happening in succession, Jade couldn’t deal. 

That’s when she started to turn to drugs to help her cope with all the internal pain she kept clinging onto. Pain reminded her that she was still alive but the drugs and alcohol helped numb her worst thoughts, yet made her feel worse about herself. [color=e62020]“Natalia…”[/color] Jade spoke softly, though she felt her voice crack with the mix of emotions that she thought were buried in her voice. These emotions stemmed from thoughts that she thought were resolved. [color=e62020]“I’m…”[/color] Again, she got choked up. The roles were reversed right now. Natalia was where Jade was last month. [color=e62020]“You’re not alone, Natalia.”[/color] Jade squeezed her shoulder. 

As tears started to slowly flow down Jade’s face, smearing her racoon eyeshadow, Jade gently pulled the Italian girl into an embrace as she wrapped her arm around the girl’s lanky shoulders. “I hope you know that. Me, Poppy, Key, and you -- we all feel the same hurt. What we couldn’t do right by him, we can by his sister.” Maybe for the first time, Jade could understand the [i]true[/i] importance of this trip. She spent so long from the moment she found out to the car ride to the Reservation stuck in her head, but Jade saw it now. What this was about was not to just protect Charlie’s sister, but redemption for the four of them.

Natalia nodded in acknowledgement, still sobbing but gratefully leaning into Jade’s compassionate embrace. This was the first time that she had ever disclosed part of the depth of hers and Charlie’s relationship to anyone. Be it out of fear of being judged, concern of their bond being misconstrued or guilt at the potential part she had played in the grand scheme of things, nobody else had known the very real feelings she’d had for the deceased boy. From the moment she’d witnessed his tragic death, the Italian girl had compartmentalized their memories together and locked them away in the depths of her mind, unwilling to deal with her emotions even during therapy. The Carlisle incident had served to chip away at the defenses she’d put in place since that fateful day in late August of 2019, but today was the first time she’d been forced to confront her feelings about those high school experiences she’d suppressed as a coping mechanism to her trauma. And, as much as Tal didn’t want to admit it, sharing a part of her story with someone who could relate did ease some of the heavy load on her shoulders.

Maybe that’s what Rhonda Decker had wanted for them all along.
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