[color=lightgray][right][sup]TIMESTAMP: Flashback, March 2018
FT: [color=28e0af]Gavriel Shomer[/color] & [color=fe6f5e]Penelope James[/color][/sup][/right]
[center][b][color=#FE6F5E]_[/color][color=#FA705F]_[/color][color=#F77260]_[/color][color=#F47361]_[/color][color=#F17562]_[/color][color=#EE7763]_[/color][color=#EB7865]_[/color][color=#E77A66]_[/color][color=#E47C67]_[/color][color=#E17D68]_[/color][color=#DE7F69]_[/color][color=#DB816B]_[/color][color=#D8826C]_[/color][color=#D5846D]_[/color][color=#D1866E]_[/color][color=#CE876F]_[/color][color=#CB8971]_[/color][color=#C88B72]_[/color][color=#C58C73]_[/color][color=#C28E74]_[/color][color=#BF9075]_[/color][color=#BB9177]_[/color][color=#B89378]_[/color][color=#B59579]_[/color][color=#B2967A]_[/color][color=#AF987B]_[/color][color=#AC9A7C]_[/color][color=#A99B7E]_[/color][color=#A59D7F]_[/color][color=#A29F80]_[/color][color=#9FA081]_[/color][color=#9CA282]_[/color][color=#99A484]_[/color][color=#96A585]_[/color][color=#92A786]_[/color][color=#8FA987]_[/color][color=#8CAA88]_[/color][color=#89AC8A]_[/color][color=#86AE8B]_[/color][color=#83AF8C]_[/color][color=#80B18D]_[/color][color=#7CB38E]_[/color][color=#79B490]_[/color][color=#76B691]_[/color][color=#73B892]_[/color][color=#70B993]_[/color][color=#6DBB94]_[/color][color=#6ABD95]_[/color][color=#66BE97]_[/color][color=#63C098]_[/color][color=#60C299]_[/color][color=#5DC39A]_[/color][color=#5AC59B]_[/color][color=#57C79D]_[/color][color=#54C89E]_[/color][color=#50CA9F]_[/color][color=#4DCCA0]_[/color][color=#4ACDA1]_[/color][color=#47CFA3]_[/color][color=#44D1A4]_[/color][color=#41D2A5]_[/color][color=#3ED4A6]_[/color][color=#3AD6A7]_[/color][color=#37D7A9]_[/color][color=#34D9AA]_[/color][color=#31DBAB]_[/color][color=#2EDCAC]_[/color][color=#2BDEAD]_[/color][/b]

[img]https://fontmeme.com/permalink/221023/91721a3c9ea7f30b3823b5bae556c031.png[/img]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/NbG67NL.png[/img][b][color=#FE6F5E]_[/color][color=#FA705F]_[/color][color=#F77260]_[/color][color=#F47361]_[/color][color=#F17562]_[/color][color=#EE7763]_[/color][color=#EB7865]_[/color][color=#E77A66]_[/color][color=#E47C67]_[/color][color=#E17D68]_[/color][color=#DE7F69]_[/color][color=#DB816B]_[/color][color=#D8826C]_[/color][color=#D5846D]_[/color][color=#D1866E]_[/color][color=#CE876F]_[/color][color=#CB8971]_[/color][color=#C88B72]_[/color][color=#C58C73]_[/color][color=#C28E74]_[/color][color=#BF9075]_[/color][color=#BB9177]_[/color][color=#B89378]_[/color][color=#B59579]_[/color][color=#B2967A]_[/color][color=#AF987B]_[/color][color=#AC9A7C]_[/color][color=#A99B7E]_[/color][color=#A59D7F]_[/color][color=#A29F80]_[/color][color=#9FA081]_[/color][color=#9CA282]_[/color][color=#99A484]_[/color][color=#96A585]_[/color][color=#92A786]_[/color][color=#8FA987]_[/color][color=#8CAA88]_[/color][color=#89AC8A]_[/color][color=#86AE8B]_[/color][color=#83AF8C]_[/color][color=#80B18D]_[/color][color=#7CB38E]_[/color][color=#79B490]_[/color][color=#76B691]_[/color][color=#73B892]_[/color][color=#70B993]_[/color][color=#6DBB94]_[/color][color=#6ABD95]_[/color][color=#66BE97]_[/color][color=#63C098]_[/color][color=#60C299]_[/color][color=#5DC39A]_[/color][color=#5AC59B]_[/color][color=#57C79D]_[/color][color=#54C89E]_[/color][color=#50CA9F]_[/color][color=#4DCCA0]_[/color][color=#4ACDA1]_[/color][color=#47CFA3]_[/color][color=#44D1A4]_[/color][color=#41D2A5]_[/color][color=#3ED4A6]_[/color][color=#3AD6A7]_[/color][color=#37D7A9]_[/color][color=#34D9AA]_[/color][color=#31DBAB]_[/color][color=#2EDCAC]_[/color][color=#2BDEAD]_[/color][/b]

[url=https://www.roleplayerguild.com/users/aces-away][img]https://fontmeme.com/permalink/220626/fe2d9304a6eaff80a4d45d6ff074a27f.png[/img][/url]  [img]https://fontmeme.com/permalink/220626/20e4a27e1adc68a5da4e5e803a955a8e.png[/img]  [url=https://www.roleplayerguild.com/users/lovelycomplex][img]https://fontmeme.com/permalink/220626/22d3f6d4b12b79b1c1bf810756ff3845.png[/img][/url][/center][/color]
[color=lightgray][indent][indent]There were so many books to choose from; many she had read plenty of times because of Charlie. In the end, Gavriel, her partner in English class, and she decided on [i]The Perks of Being a Wallflower[/i] by Stephen Chbosky. Surprisingly, that wasn’t a book Charlie suggested to her nor was it a book she read until this book report assignment. Both Rye and Poppy let Jane pick their book. It was obvious to them the librarian’s assistant looked at the list and picked a random one. [color=56877b]“It’s a good book,”[/color] Jane smiled before disappearing into the labyrinth that was Edenridge’s library. 

Poppy didn’t know if she believed her or not, getting a feeling Jane didn’t read much, but she was willing to give the book a go. Why not? Once upon a time, her sister would tell her: [i][color=52796e]You never change your life until you step out of your comfort zone. What better way then through reading?[/color][/i] Three days had passed where the acquaintances gave themselves a deadline to finish their chosen story, and now here she was back in the library once more waiting for her partner-in-crime. Or well, literature. Partner-in-literature. 

Sitting on one of the sofa chairs in the public library, Penelope was re-reading one of the more memorable scenes in the book. The gang were playing truth or dare. Charlie Kelmeckis had been dating Mary Elizabeth for weeks now but when Patrick asks him to kiss the prettiest girl in the room, Charlie kisses Sam. The room goes silent. Charlie had just kissed another girl in front of his girlfriend. [i]'Oh that’s fucked up,'[/i] Patrick auto-responded. The room was in a complete state of shock. Could you blame them? Their friend just made his girlfriend, their friend, feel like shit. Before Sam left the room, she glared at Charlie and hissed, [i]“What is wrong with you?”[/i] 

Things spiraled a bit after that… as teen coming-of-age dramas usually do. The reason why Poppy found this scene so impactful was because no matter how hard anyone else tried, Charlie would always love Sam. It felt relatable. She felt like Charlie. The Wallflower. Someone whose heart would forever and always be taken by one person, even if that special person would never see her in that way. Not really. 

Closing the book, Poppy glanced at her watch wondering if Rye remembered their scheduled homework date. While she waited, she leaned her head back against the sofa and closed her eyes. Her body, heart, and eyes felt heavy. Lately, she wasn’t getting much sleep. From her Charlie, not book Charlie, working himself to the bone to Maxine’s birthday and angelversary being a couple weeks ago, she was going through the motions. Some days she was numb to the pain, other days…  

Penelope felt empty, lacking, like there was this absence that could never be filled again. Not many people knew how it felt to lose someone as close as a sibling. Alexandria Davies knew… Jamie O’Hara knew… but Poppy didn’t know them well enough to seek understanding and support. They might understand the despair and overwhelming sadness and how indescribable it all was but that doesn’t change that they were light years apart from someone like her. This meant they weren’t people she could easily reach out to. And maybe, to a degree, they wouldn’t understand her fully. They grew up on the other side of the railroad tracks. It would be silly of her to think a Northie would understand her. Especially Scott Street royalty. 

Grief was something she was learning how to deal with day by day and if she attempted to describe it, she would say it felt like a blur. The world kept moving around her, her friends kept moving around her, life kept moving all around her, and she was standing still. From the moment she and her friends went to the car to see a sleeping Max in the parking lot, only to realize she wasn’t sleeping she had no pulse, to the day they said their goodbyes and Max was turned to ash, nothing felt real. Or maybe it felt all too real and it was easier to handle her days as if they blended together. 

If she did this, she wouldn’t process how long Max had been gone. If she combined yesterday with today and today with tomorrow, like a dream, then their last moments together wouldn’t replay in her head over and over and over again. Those last moments were on the same day Poppy had met up with her friends — Indie, Owen, and Ely — at this library right here to go over final touches of Max’s surprise party. Their last moments were only a day before Max’s birthday. Their last moments were hours before the town cried: Suicide. Their last moments…  

[color=28e0af]“Poppy? You good?”[/color] Rye asked, trying to break her out of whatever reverie the smaller of the two had been stuck in. He couldn’t blame her for it of course, wouldn’t even dream of it. In fact he had walked in already halfway through an apology for his tardiness before he realized she hadn’t even noticed his arrival, his own spaciness in action. The past few months had been rough to say the least, between keeping up with Niles while he healed, keeping up with Danny in the Game, and sorting out this relatively new dynamic between he and his mother and the Phillips family, Gavriel was finding sleep in small doses and passing out in other people’s beds more often than his own. 

When he wasn’t passing out in someone else’s bed, dollars to donuts there was someone passed out with him in his own. Two nights ago it had been Charlize Holliston from the junior class, as he’d taken her home once again from a party and they were both too tired to part by the end. Last night it had been a worse for wear Decky Boaz that had passed out on him after the doctor’s son had cleaned him up and given him some pain meds. Why the guy had decided to come up the apartment’s fire escape and knock on his window like it was that scene from the Amazing Spider-Man instead of just buzzing up was a question for when they weren’t both half dead from exhaustion. If it hadn’t been for the alarm Decky had on his burner to return to his Serpent job, Gavriel would have completely slept through his library date with Poppy.

So yeah, if her life was anything like his right now then a bit a spacing out was the least that he could expect from their time together today, and he hoped that she forgave him his faults as easily as he would hers. Realizing he was spacing out exactly as he’d worried about, the curly haired boy blinked his sleep deprived eyes a few times and shook his head, gently placing his thirty ounce thermos on the table in front of her, making sure not to set it on any books on accident as he offered up, [color=28e0af]“It’s an almond milk caramel mocha with six shots of espresso~,”[/color] god bless his mother’s soul for buying a high end personal espresso machine for their house, Rye can make his drinks exactly as he likes them and never needs to go out for his morning fix. [color=28e0af]“feel free to have some!”[/color]

[color=fe6f5e]“Oh,”[/color] Snapping out of her daze, burying her grief deep, very deep, Penelope perked up and reached for the thermos, [color=fe6f5e]“Thank you, I’m sorry…When did you get here?”[/color] Blushing in embarrassment from missing his arrival, Poppy glanced away from her homework buddy, took the lid (cup) off and poured her some coffee. She didn’t need Rye worrying about her. She was already causing trouble for her friends who had more important things than dealing with her and her emotions, she didn’t need to bring someone else into her pain. [color=fe6f5e]“It’s just, I didn’t hear you and I feel like I would’ve heard you…”[/color]

[color=28e0af]“Probably would have on a good day,”[/color] Rye answered honestly, plopping down across from the southie and dropping his backpack off of his shoulder to the floor. [color=28e0af]“But it’s not looking like one of those. I mean no offense but I walk around like a herd of elephants on wood floor when I’m exhausted,”[/color] He and Poppy may not know each other very well yet, but Rye has spent time with all of Decky’s friends and despite the fact that the girl was never around for anything Serpent related, she ranked at the very top of Decky’s list. Were they close enough for him to tell her she looked just as shit as he did right now? No, but he could certainly let her know he’s aware of her state and not judging her at all. 

[color=28e0af]“You wanna start a club? [i]‘Baggy Eyed Bed Heads’[/i], what do you think? It’s an exclusive one, too! So far it’d be you, me, Niles, and Decky,”[/color] He rambled disconnectedly before taking a sip from the thermos she’d pushed back towards him.  He tried not to think about how he and Niles had had the bruising under their eyes since December, or how Decky has had them for as long as he’d known the other Jew no matter how much coke or speed was running through the guy’s system. [color=28e0af]“We could all chill out, bring some pillows and make a fort, watch a movie to forget our problems and pass out for a full twenty four hours, how’s that sound?”[/color]

Poppy smiled at his suggestion but it was veiled with gloominess and cynicism. [color=fe6f5e]“I’d like that. A lot actually,”[/color] she responded, trying to sound hopeful. She knew better though. She knew Decky had a high chance bailing because work demanded his time, just like it demanded Charlie’s time. This wasn’t like Max’s angelversary, a date set in stone that all those that loved her would try to be there for her. No, this was just a hangout, with no importance besides spending time with friends.  Hard to make time when you are too busy surviving. 

[color=fe6f5e]“I don’t really know Niles, like at all… would he even like someone like me?”[/color] She tried to change the direction of the topic, really not wanting to disappoint Rye in saying that his idea would be for nought. It was a waste of energy getting your hopes up over something that was never guaranteed. Her friends, as much as she loved them, were unreliable. She learned the hard way when Charlie didn’t see her after the game, the same night Allison died. She learned the hard way that it was better to go in with no expectations, then to hope, pray, or make a wish that something good was going to happen. It never did happen. Not really. She learned the hard way that nobody needed her. The invisible girl. Penelope James. All those that said they did were lying to her face because time and time again, they left her behind. They always left her behind. Nobody needed her. No one ever does. 

[color=28e0af]“Well frankly my dear, if he doesn’t, I don’t give a damn,”[/color] Rye joked to her before rolling his eyes with a sad smile. [color=28e0af]“Niles is Niles, he doesn’t really like anyone. Hell, pretty much our entire first year hanging out was either sitting in his room or in the on-call room at the hospital and just reading in silence. I feel like he’d definitely get along with you and the other southies, unlike Danny who absolutely could not vibe. But yeah, Niles, I doubt he’d actually do something like that, even for me. He keeps his cuddly side on the downlow. But hey,”[/color] Rye propped his chin up in his hand as he fiddled with the loose bits of paper caught between the metal spiral of his notebook. [color=28e0af]“It would be nice, yeah? Sometimes nice thoughts are as far as I’m able to get.”[/color]

[color=fe6f5e]“Yeah,”[/color] Poppy steadily nodded in agreement. [color=fe6f5e]“It is a nice thought and I get that, knowing people that wear a mask to protect themselves but really, they’re the coolest people you’ll ever know… I get that.”[/color] Oddly anxious, Poppy brushed her hair behind her ear and grabbed their chosen book from the table, thanks to Jane. [color=fe6f5e]“So Perks! They made a movie for this, do you think we should watch the movie to compare and contrast it with the book? What did you like?”[/color]

[color=28e0af]“Oh we should absolutely watch the movie. Logan Lerman’s eyes? Emma Watson’s [i]everything,[/i]”[/color] He leaned back from his hunched position and pretended to swoon before adding, [color=28e0af]“I literally put it on my watchlist last night after I finished reading, you can come over to my place and we can watch it,”[/color] the boy took another gulp from his thermos before fiddling with the front of his paperback. [color=28e0af]“I kind of liked how out of sync Charlie was with everyone, even when he was in the moment having fun. Some people just can’t help being disconnected or too grounded, the need to pull back from the crowd and observe isn’t strictly ruled by anxiety, you know?”[/color]

While he wasn’t much like Charlie if you asked any of the people that [i]’know him’[/i] from all the parties he attends, the mentality of the boy in the book managed to strike a few cords in Gavriel that the young boy would have preferred be left unstruck. He was well aware that he made himself the center of attention while also having no emotional investment in basically any interactions that occur at a party, much more afraid of becoming the center of attention through something he had no control over. He liked that he was finally able to read a book with a mindset he could connect with, but it also had him looking at his own mental state and wondering where his own masks ended.

[color=28e0af]“Mostly, it just made me sad because all of the shit that went down in the book is viable to happen in real life, especially in places like Edenridge where drama and despair seem to keep every street corner company.”[/color]

She agreed completely with Rye’s sentiment on Charlie. Book Charlie. Not her Charlie. The main protagonist was extremely thoughtful which put him in both good and bad places. She could relate to the narrator because it was like everything moved around him in slow motion. When Rye related the book to Edenridge, Poppy rewarded that comment with a frown. There were several hints in the book of Charlie’s trauma and then at the end, after Charlie learns to be a wallflower but not a doormat, he embraces life rather than use it as a coping mechanism of letting things wash by him. He lives, he discovers, he pushes onward, becoming one of the people he’s so used to watching. He becomes a character in the story. 

[color=fe6f5e]“Like rape,”[/color] she whispered as Rye nodded solemnly, grabbing her cup of coffee and gingerly drinking it, as she thought about Mordechai. Her best friend. [color=fe6f5e]“Or the fact that no matter how hard he tried to move on, Charlie couldn’t. Charlie’s heart belonged to Sam.”[/color] Her Charlie’s smile appeared in her mind… god, she fucking hated herself sometimes. [color=fe6f5e]“It would always belong to Sam. But as the book says, from Mr. Anderson to Charlie himself, we accept the love we think we deserve. We always do that because most of us, well… we believe we fucking suck and life is just shit, after shit, after shit, only making us realize we were right along. We do suck.”[/color] Poppy’s eyes widened when she realized she said too much. She immediately reverted back into her shell. [color=fe6f5e]“Sorry… sorry I was having a moment.” [/color]

[color=28e0af]“Please, moment away,”[/color] He offered in response, waving her worries off as he stared at her, a small sad quirk of his lips being all his face gave away of his feelings on the matter. He had a feeling Poppy had the same person in mind with the first part of her comment as he did. Decky held himself well, but especially in the bedroom- both safer and more vulnerable in the dark- there were quite a few triggers that Rye has learned to avoid, or work with Decky to nullify even a little bit if they could. The other boy hasn’t said anything outright to Rye, but it wasn’t like this was his first experience with victims of childhood sexual assault either. Cleveland was no Edenridge, but one of things that was comparable between the two places he’s lived is that the crime is fucking ridiculous and domestic assaults happen like crazy, and Rye’s childhood best friend walked around every day with the same look in his eyes as Decky does. They always flinched the same way too.

[color=28e0af]“Your commentary on the human disposition should be part of the report. Well, maybe a little more well worded for Mr. Beau’s sake, but it’s not necessarily wrong,”[/color] he ran the pad of his thumb up the side of his book, watching the pages separate and come back together as they shuffled off his finger. [color=28e0af]“[i]’We accept the love we think we deserve’[/i] doesn’t just mean being with someone you don’t actually like, or not being able to be with the one you do; it’s about sabotaging any of those chances to get the real love, like you said, or about letting your sense of self disappear for the sake of those around you. If you’re like…permanently changing yourself for someone, your personality or your looks or your speech pattern, whatever it is, you’re accepting the love that you thought the original you deserved. But that’s not you anymore, is it? It’s stale love, expired with the last persona you put up or shed,”[/color] And yeah, he knew he was calling himself out for the way he’s acted since arriving in Edenridge: The life of the party, the class clown, all the stupid things he does with Danny on a damn near daily basis- none of that was the Gavriel Shomer of Cleveland. That anxiety ridden wreck has been locked in the closet ever since he himself came out of it and lost his dad to his homophobia. But Poppy doesn’t know any of that, to her this is just an in depth look into the book and its meanings for the sake of this book report. [color=28e0af]“So in all honesty, most people don’t even accept the love they [i]think[/i] they deserve, they except the love that they [i]thought[/i] they deserv[i]ed[/i]. You pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?”[/color]

[color=fe6f5e]“Sorta, I don’t know. Your wording is tripping me up, honestly,”[/color] Penelope chuckled, her mood while still somber was shifting ever so slightly from this intellectual conversation. [color=fe6f5e]“So we’re stuck on our past self, rather than evaluating our now and thinking, hey. This is where I am and I should consider who loves the present me. Like… instead of clinging to your childhood and not being able to let it go because those were simpler times, those were times you found it easier to love yourself, you should learn to love the person you’re becoming?”[/color] Love was complicated and it all returned to one obvious thing: we needed to learn to love ourselves before we could love anyone else. Subconsciously, Penelope grabbed onto her teardrop necklace, deep in thought. She was stuck on the concept of love and how her peers went about it. Has Rye ever been in love? Were they too young to believe in love like that? 

Rye snapped his fingers and pointed at Poppy. [color=28e0af]“Exactly!”[/color] He began, [color=28e0af]“People are always changing, so unless you believe that no part of you will ever be lovable and you just have to go through your life accepting what attention people pity you enough to give, there’s no way to really know what love we deserve. It just has to feel right for whatever stage of your life you’re currently in, because the second you start making your way to a new stage, the second you start developing beyond what you- at the time- consider your [i]true self[/i], your view on what you deserve is gonna change,”[/color] Rye leaned forward in his seat as he got talking, already feeling a bit bad that Poppy was getting the full-on ramble part of him that he usually kept at bay in social situations. [color=28e0af]“That’s people’s main problem: they don’t adjust with each stage of life, so their love and their concept of how they deserve it, it… well it’s like never getting new clothes or shoes as you grow up. A grown adult in kids clothes doesn’t work, everything would be stressed, threadbare, and ripped. That doesn’t work and neither does a growing person with a static concept of love.”[/color]

[color=fe6f5e]“It’s hard to adjust,”[/color] Penelope countered, crossing her arms while doing so, [color=fe6f5e]“When life takes away things that keep you whole.”[/color] Her mind was back on her grief. It’s only been a year since Maxine ‘committed sucide’.  She felt like love was far out of reach when she was too busy learning her rewired brain and what she needed to do to create a new normal. A new normal without her sister. [color=fe6f5e]“We change because we have to, not because we want to. Adjusting is easier said than done. There’s far too much pain in this world to be able to say, okay, those are my new shoes, goodbye old shoes. Throwing away those old shoes is like throwing away a piece of you. It hurts, like a bitch.” [/color] 

[color=28e0af]“I never said you had to throw them away,”[/color] Rye volleyed back with no heat in his tone. [color=28e0af]“Shit man, my ma’s got my baby shoes in storage. Holding on to things you’ve outgrown is fine,”[/color] he assured, looking around the library so he had another moment to gather his thoughts before continuing. [color=28e0af]“Sometimes things just don’t fit anymore through no fault of anyone, and all you do when you keep trying to put them on again is stretch and tear them more until there isn’t anything to hold on to. I mean, what would you rather have? A slowly fading feeling that you can carry with you until you’re ready to let go, or a tattered memory you can’t even seem to remember clearly? It’s the same thing with love, because if you perseverate on the what-could-have-beens you don’t leave any time for the what-can-still-be’s.”[/color]

As Rye explained to her his point of view, Poppy grabbed her pen and started fidgeting with it, eventually she was tapping it against her notebook, mildly irritated. It wasn’t his fault what he was saying made her feel like he was telling her how to live her life, when she didn’t even know if he lived. She didn’t know Rye like that. He was a brilliant boy, she’d give him that, but fuck this was annoying. It wasn’t even the fact that it sounded like he knew better than her that was getting to her. What was pissing her off was the more he talked, the more she questioned her friendships. Was she, Charlie, Decky, and Jade outgrowing each other? We’re they all going to stop being friends because the past was the past and was better left on a shelf or locked in a closet? Out of sight, out of mind? [color=fe6f5e]“What makes you such an expert in love? If you don’t mind me asking.”[/color] she retorted, trying her best to bury her feelings. 

She didn’t even know if Rye lost anyone like she did. Was he so in his own world that he didn’t realize it was insensitive to act like she could take in his advice and just be okay with herself and her life? To be okay with the constant changes presented to her, like finding her sister dead in a car after going to a literature convention with her friends? Was he so insensitive to notice that everything he was saying, and so dismissively too, was awful things to say to someone deep in grief? It was like he was telling her to get over Max, and her friends growing up, and just move onto the next day. Unbothered and loving herself. Keep her love for them but be okay that Max was gone, having left this Earth without her, and her friends were growing the fuck up also leaving her behind. 

What the fuck was this shit.  

Oh wait, that’s right. Allison’s death overshadowed Maxine’s. Rye might not even know that Maxine James was her sister. But he should’ve, right? He spent so much time with Decky… 

Jeez, she was really getting in her head now. 

[color=fe6f5e]“I get what you’re saying but some people just aren’t ready to let go, and that’s okay too.” [/color]

Rye tilted his head as he stared at the slight downturn of Poppy’s moving lips, eyes narrowing as he realized he missed something in her tone during the conversation. He really wished he was better at discerning that sort of thing, but between the fluorescent buzzing of the library lights and his own ringing in his ears, he was relying heavily on lipreading while he kept his music a bit louder in his earbuds to block out the noise. But he’d done something wrong, he could feel it deeper than the shallow worry his anxiety was giving him. Somewhere- maybe when he’d compared the book to Edenridge?- this conversation stopped being about the book report. JP had just been teasing him the other day about his ability to miss as many cues in a conversation as a stormtrooper misses Jedis, so maybe he should have taken the hint and paid a bit more attention.

[color=28e0af]“Ok, ok,”[/color] the boy fretted, raising his hands in a sign of peace before reaching up to his ears and pulling the buds out, his eye twitching as he tilted his head against the buzz-ringing that filtered back into his ears. Cracking his neck to relieve a bit of his sudden tension, Gavriel put his earbuds down on the table and folded his twitching fingers together in front of him. [color=28e0af]“My hearing’s been fucked recently, I’m working on two hours of sleep in like forty hours and I haven’t really talked to anyone about philosophical shit since the last time I hung out with JP, and he knows how I talk,”[/color] he clenched his jaw and sent another glance around the library, this time out of anxiety more than an actual need to stall for time. [color=28e0af]“But I think I pissed you off? Like, I don’t know what I said—”[/color] 

[color=fe6f5e]“Okay, shit. Fuck. Breathe, Rye,”[/color] Penelope dropped her pen and also raised her hands in surrender as a sign of peace. Was this what Mordechai was talking about? She heard him talking in passing about how Rye got but she never experienced it before. Not like this. [color=fe6f5e]“Bring it back, my turn,”[/color] his mouth snapped shut when she looked at him in a way that said zip it before explaining her trigger, [color=fe6f5e]“Two weeks ago was the first time in a long time I was able to spend time with all my friends, you know who I’m talking about. They made time for me not because they wanted to spend time with me but because it was a year since my sister died.”[/color] 

She felt her own anxiety building up as she allowed herself to be vulnerable to a boy that was her partner in English class. Not a best friend. Not even a friend. Just a boy she had to do a book report with. [color=fe6f5e]“This really has nothing to do with you. I just am in no place to be okay with what’s going on right now. Night after night I’m left alone thinking Mordechai, or Charlie, or fuck, Jade might follow suit. They might die. They’re already drifting away from me and I have no control over that. And maybe I’m just a little fucked up in the head since I can’t seem to ever think straight. The one person that was always fucking there for me, even when she wanted to strangle me, was my sister. And she’s dead. She’s fucking dead. So I’m sorry for reading too deeply into your words I just can’t fucking accept that the people I love no longer want me in their life like the way things used to be.”[/color] At this point, Penelope was hugging herself and heavily breathing. Fuck why did she have to go and say all that shit? [color=fe6f5e]“I should go. This, we’ll just try again another day.”[/color] Standing up, Poppy quickly began gathering her things. 

[color=28e0af]“Wait, shit- Poppy no,”[/color] Rye stood up too, staying on his side of the table so they both still had their space, unsure of how to go about comforting a girl he only knows through stories from a mutual friend. [color=28e0af]“I’m sorry, I know you said it doesn’t have to do with me but- just, I’m sorry I did what I always do and kept talking until there was a problem. I should’ve had my headphones out, I should have been looking at your whole face and not just reading your lips. If I’d have been paying attention, really paying attention, I never would’ve kept going,”[/color] He threw his hand up to scratch nervously at the back of his head bringing his anxious gaze back to her only to see that the girl had frozen in place while he rambled once more. As he watched, tears fell from her eyes and hit the open page of her notebook on the table, soaking into the blank paper. They never had written any of this down for the report.

[color=28e0af]“See, I’m doing it right now,”[/color] He pointed out, his shaky tone attempting at a bit of levity and falling flat. What was he supposed to do? He certainly couldn’t calm her down the way he calmed people he was [i]closer[/i] to, and he honestly didn’t have much practice with comforting people he barely knew, especially when he was the one to trigger them in the first place. 

[color=a8d16a]‘Hug her, you idiot,’[/color] the voice inside his head that has been sounding like JP more and more every day spoke up. [color=a8d16a]‘I hug you when you need support.’[/color]

[color=28e0af]“Um, d-do you want a hug?”[/color] Rye asked awkwardly, going to open his arms before stopping himself, dropping them back to his sides until he got a response. Some people didn’t like to be touched when they were crying, he doesn’t know if she wants him as close as he is to her now across the table, let alone in her personal bubble. As the sleeves of his jacket fell over his fingers, he realized he had taken Decky’s jean jacket off his floor this morning, meaning the serpent had Rye’s old hand-me-down from his father. He’d have to get this back to the other boy, and when he did that it would be a perfect chance to ask him what the hell is going on with Poppy, someone the serpent talks about all the time but apparently has barely seen lately.

Penelope didn’t really register what Rye was saying because at this point, she had hit a massive low and was choking on her tears and wiping her face, embarrassed, [color=fe6f5e]“I-I’m sorry,”[/color] she weakly responded. [color=fe6f5e]“I don’t m-mean to be a burden. I-I just want them to know I really l-love them. I love… love them more than I love m-myself. I’m s-sorry.”[/color] This is why she was supposed to take her antidepressants. To prevent this. A public breakdown. She forgot to tell her mother she needed a refill and now she was crying in front of someone who didn’t deserve this grief. [color=fe6f5e]“I’m so sorry…”[/color] She really was a burden and this is why when all was said and done, she’d be alone. She’d always be alone. No one wanted to carry her. Not even Charlie. 

[color=28e0af]“Hey, no you’re not a burden. I should know, I’m the king of being a burden on others,”[/color] He joked, edging away from the table so she could access him if she so chose. [color=28e0af]“Decky literally talks about you all the time, I don’t think there’s been a time I’ve seen him when you didn’t come up. He always looks so stupidly happy when he talks about you and the others, even when he’s literally passing out on the spot, I don’t know if that helps, but he’s definitely not forgetting about you, not by a longshot. And I’m sorry I can’t tell you about the others since I don’t know them well, but,”[/color] He shifted on his feet and tried to keep his breathing steady as the anxiety kept his heartbeat vibrating. But this he could do, being honest he could do. [color=28e0af]“You don’t ever have to tell me you’re sorry for having feelings or insecurities,”[/color] He assured before explaining, [color=28e0af]“I was trying to offer you a hug because you look like you really need it, but I don’t know how much you like contact outside of Decky and the others.”[/color]

[color=fe6f5e]“... I’d like a hug please.”[/color] Poppy breathed, unable to breach the distance between her and the other boy. She didn’t know if she was a hugger or not, she knew at least with her friends, she needed to be reminded they still cared, whether it be through word of mouth or them holding her hand… but with Rye he was all she had right now and she desperately needed someone to hold her before the weight of the world became too heavy and she couldn’t hold herself up anymore. [color=fe6f5e]“... Please.”[/color] 

[color=28e0af]“Yeah, of course, I’m told I give exceptional hugs,”[/color] Rye conversed as he stepped forward. [color=28e0af]“Though it’ll be weird being the tall one in the situation for once,”[/color] He wrapped one arm around her shoulder and cupped the back of her head with his other hand before pulling her close, guiding her head onto his shoulder before wrapping both arms fully around her and holding her tight, thinking of how JP and Decky and Danny and everyone that has guided him out of bad attacks held him against them. And like his mom, he gently rocked them side to side in their place, keeping the girl secure and physically stable in his arms in an attempt to get her mentally closer to stable as well. [color=28e0af]“Is this helping,”[/color] He asked quietly after a small moment for his own heart rate to finally slow as the hug helped him through some of his own anxieties. [color=28e0af]“At all?”[/color]

[color=fe6f5e]“Mhm,”[/color] she replied, wrapping her own arms around him and tightening her grip, almost desperately. This was strange mostly because if she looked up, she’d be inches away from Rye’s face, unlike any of her other friends. She had tall friends. Especially Charlie. Her standing next to Charlie was quite funny since he was the tallest person in their class and she was one of their shortest. Inhaling in and exhaling out, her eyes closed, she smiled, [color=fe6f5e]“You smell like Decky…”[/color] to some people, the smell of smoke, leather, and sandalwood would not be a pleasant smell, but to Poppy that smell reminded her of home. 

[color=28e0af]“Yeah this is his jacket, I had to patch the dumbass up last night, he got in another fight,”[/color] Rye said with a quiet laugh. [color=28e0af]“He’s fine though, woke up and got around on his own.”[/color]

[color=56877b]“This book must be a real good book,”[/color] Anya leaned up against an archway that led to a hallway, which led to another area of the library. She munched on granola, her sharp eyes observing the emotional duo that was making more noise than they probably realized. [color=56877b]“You going to make library lady come out of the hole and be like why you cry? Why the noise? Why a book lead to this?”[/color] Anya grinned a toothy grin glancing at [i]Perks of Being a Wallflower[/i], [color=56877b]“I glad you liked. You be okay. No more tears. No more tears. Book says this moment, we infinite. Remember that most.”[/color] She didn’t read the book, Faye actually read it to her but they didn’t need to know that. 

[color=fe6f5e]“Thank you, Jane, we were just about to leave,”[/color] Poppy pulled her head back and made a face, [color=fe6f5e]“You’re all wet because of me.”[/color] She looked at his shirt and the soaked spots she made. She’d cried way too much.  

[color=28e0af]“That’s fine,”[/color] Rye sniffled in reply once he’d finished laughing at Jane’s interpretation of this scene and the book. Ugh, crying people always made him teary, and all of this was super depressing. [color=28e0af]“It’s karma for all the people I’ve cried on. But hey, it doesn’t have to be Perks of Being a Wallflower, but do you wanna come over to my apartment and watch a movie? I’ve got some Disney movies that I got from Niles’ little sister for my birthday. Or I think my ma got Netflix last week so there’s probably some good stand up or other comedy…”[/color]

[color=fe6f5e]“Perks is fine!”[/color] Poppy chirped, feeling the overwhelming sensation she had once felt a moment ago gradually taking its exit. [color=fe6f5e]“Lets worry about movies when we get to your place. Plus! I can use this opportunity to finally get to know you, seeing how… we hang but we don’t really hang. I mean I feel like we’ve already learned so much already.”[/color] Although her eyes were still watery, she was beaming. The release of emotion was exactly what she needed seeing how she hadn’t even cried on her sister’s death day. It was also nice to tell someone all the things she was bottling up. Poppy wasn’t good at holding things in. Look where it got her? Literally falling apart in front of someone unaware of anything that’s going on with her. [color=fe6f5e]“Thank you, Rye. For not pushing me away.”[/color]

[i]Crunch, crunch, crunch.[/i]

Rye’s eye twitched a bit as he smiled at Poppy through the noise of Jane’s granola now added in. [color=28e0af]“Of course, Poppy,”[/color] He answered before he began to turn in order to gather his things up from the table. It was then that he realized his earbuds has fallen to the ground, dragged by the cord after the phone in his pocket when he stood up. Winding them back up and into his hands, he lifted them up to Poppy’s view and asked, [color=28e0af]“Do you mind, for the walk? I’ll keep them low so I can hear you, I just can’t really do without them much longer.”[/color]

[color=fe6f5e]“Do what you need to do, Rye, and, to be honest, I had no idea how bad you were seeing how, well, this is the most we’ve ever talked. Ever. I’ll be more conscious moving forward.”[/color] Poppy gave Rye a thumbs up and proceeded to turn to the crunching noise where Jane was watching them with her intense gaze. Were her eyes always this striking? They reminded her of snake eyes. Leaving Rye’s embrace, Penelope finished packing her bag before swinging it over her shoulder, [color=fe6f5e]“Let’s go homeboy, oh and one last thing,”[/color] Poppy gently nudged the boy’s arm in a faux punch. [color=fe6f5e]“Next time we talk about philosophy let's avoid the topic of love. I barely understand it so I have no right to talk about it. Capeesh?”[/color] 

[color=28e0af]“Well shit, if that’s the benchmark I should’ve kept my mouth shut from the beginning. I don’t stick around anyone long enough for love,”[/color] Rye replied while mockingly rubbing at his arm where she’d punched it. [color=28e0af]“You’ve got yourself a deal.”[/color]

His response was rewarded with a chuckle and lighthearted simper. 

Maybe they could be friends after all. Sure, they had a bumpy first half, but now she was heading to his place to watch a movie. 

PROGRESS! 
[/indent][/indent][/color]