Darin sat on the bed as she finished tugging on her boots, stalling just a bit before finally speaking, “I miss home. I miss you. Both have seemed so far away since we got to Azurei and Tasen. I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing about Harai, but I;m mad at you for leaving me and playing to go work. I know you had to do it, but I’m still mad at you. I’m mad at Harai too. Yesterday was supposed to be play, and he ruined it!” She buried her face in her hand, “Did I make a mistake by being The Seed-Bearer so publicly? Would my mother be proud of the woman I’m becoming? Does what she might or might not think even matter? For that matter, what type of woman am I becoming? Why do I let being called Astra-Sol bother me so much? Who the hell is Martin Aliceson? If he is my father, did he leave to join the Red Hand, or did he join later. For that matter, what is the Red Hand in the first place?” It was disjointed and unconnected, but it was all of the fears that plagued Darin since they had gotten to Tasen, “What if I mess up your wedding? Can I mess up your wedding? Why couldn’t I be polite to the Sols? I’m probably The Seed-Bearer because I’m a self-taught farmer, but what does that really mean? It’s not even all farming. Some of it is decisions like the one I have to make with Harai. Some of it is playing nice with politicians and other leaders.” She looked up at a wall as she worried the scar on her palm, “That doesn’t seem like something you can learn just by listening like learning about coffee and fishing. Or maybe it’s because I don’t have a frame of reference for it. If I learn how to talk to nobles and rulers will I become what Harai thought I was, someone who only cares about people with resources? Will I forget my roots?” She wasn’t crying but her voice was dead, “I can barely remember what my mother looks like. Or Thomas. Or Mila. Or anyone from home. Is that normal? I haven’t seen them in so long. I feel lost and untethered.” She finally looked at Ridahne, “What’s wrong with me? You’re so happy to be home, to see Ajoran, to get married. And I’m happy for you. I really am. I promise. But I feel like I’m losing you. And I know that I’m not. I promise I know that. But I don’t feel it. I’m sorry. I really am.”

It was a mess. She wasn’t crying, but none of Darin’s thoughts were organized. It was honestly surprising that she was coherent. Her knuckles hurt from where she hit the wall. The old scar on her palm ached from where she had pressed into it. She knew that Ridahne wouldn’t think less of her for any of those thoughts, but she was worried that she may have accidently broken her promise to come to Ridahne instead of running, by putting off this conversation for so long. She didn’t think so. It had four days since they had come to Tasen. It had felt so much longer. So much had happened that it was scary. Things were only going to move faster from this point forward. That was almost as scary as things that had already happened. What was she doing? Darin had no clue. It had been a long time since she had felt like this, like she was drowning.