[color=lightgray][right][sup]Timestamp: During and Immediately After [url=https://www.roleplayerguild.com/posts/5422702]Scott Street Part 4: Good Enough[/url] [sub](Mei/Kylie/CeCe)[/sub]
FT: [color=fd9100]Jillian O'Brien[/color][/sup][/right]

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[indent][indent]Loneliness can do a lot of things to different people. It can drive them to reflect on recent choices in their life. It can give them the space to think, to dream up new paths and arcs that their story can take. In the wrong hands, it can drive them to seek comfort in substances that hold short-term solutions with long-term consequences. It’s all a matter of the mindset one enters that appointment with loneliness that determines what one gets out of it.

Far too often in the past couple years, Jillian O’Brien had opted for door number three in that scenario. Unable to cope with the loss of friends, family and children not given a chance to become children, she ignored those she had left in favor of poisoning herself to try to forget everything that happened. She was damn good at it, too. However, it had been a while since she truly had time by herself to take another look at what loneliness had to offer her. With her relationship with Miss Midnight in full bloom, the two had become even more inseparable, enjoying the full benefits of each other’s company with an energy that Jillian hadn’t summoned since high school. As Mei Ramsey hit the airwaves for a special edition of Dawn Patrol with Kylee Grimm however, Jillian found her thoughts drifting back to those halcyon days.

Being the odd girl out of their triad for the broadcast at Absolute Sound, she remained on the couch of the rechristened Ramsey-O’Brien estate and instead had the tower tuned to 99.1 FM. The rebuilt vintage piece of tech, with radio and cassette options below a turntable that allowed for vinyl enjoyment, was rarely ever turned off On The Block. Who needed Boston stations when Eden knew Eden best anyway? Today the notification that explained where her girlfriend had darted off to this morning forced her to sit and absorb everything that Mei and Kylie were going to get out of their special guest. The one Jillian figured the intrepid Miss Grimm would coax the answers for the Dear David letters out of. The one the former head of the Clovers pointed Kylee to. Her fellow Foundling redhead, Caitlin Cleary.

She sighed as the build up began. In her heart of hearts, she knew it was CeCe. While Jillian had scattered her ashes wherever she liked in her undergrad years, CeCe never had an interest in any of the social politics of ranking the available boys. There was only one for her. And then when she left the squad soon after David’s passing, it wasn’t hard to see what the stress of the Duke’s death did to her. It had to be a great relief to be able to finally unleash it all and set the record straight.

As CeCe detailed what had happened; Jamie’s single-minded desire to restore her brother’s name, the letter writer trying to prove that he didn’t deserve the reputation, Caitlin finally confirming it was her all along, all Jillian could do was sit there and feel the growing pit that the loneliness often brought with it before she had Mei to help stop the erosion. Kylee and Mei had said this broadcast was about justice, and Jill was certain all her demons were coming to prosecute her.

When Caitlin talked about the rumors that had spread regarding David O’Hara and exactly what he was doing, Jillian knew she had more than played her part. She was head of the cheerleading squad, she was looked to as a beacon in the halls of Edenridge. The thought of a male student taking advantage of a younger female was abhorrent, and so she helped spread the word that David was excommunicated as a social presence. She knew Mei wasn’t innocent either, cries of “The Diddler” ringing out when David was brought up before, but Mei was now helping bring sunlight to the murky waters of the past. All Jillian could do was sit, hanging over the pit as CeCe rattled off exactly what David had been called. 

She had uttered all of them. Monster and Rapist were definitely in her arsenal, the weaponized words now inflicting pain on her soul. David was far from her only victim. She made sure Quinton Woods knew exactly where he stood once he fucked up with Mei and hurt her deep. She turned Emily Carano into a pariah for her snooping and her weird social relationships and her attack on Mei. She destroyed anyone who sympathized with Charlie Decker following the shooting. Looking back, it felt like she went after anyone who hurt Mei Ramsey. [color=fd9100][i]"Maybe I should have realized how in love I was with Mei a lot earlier."[/i][/color] 

Then Mei started talking again, and Jill’s heart sank further.

Hearing Mei admit that not only should the Diddler have never earned that nickname, but she herself had sex with a senior during that freshman year, Jillian felt even worse for unleashing the hounds on the coach’s son. CeCe wasn’t even the lone cheerleader involved in such a relationship. Sure, Mei looked to justify it, but it still didn’t stand to reason to dogpile on David without the specifics. And her fellow redhead made a lot of sense. Jillian wasn’t even that girl in freshman year, but when Allison died and her father got the cancer diagnosis, everything just started hurting. It wasn’t a skeleton, lots of people had those, the Aviles family likely literally had them… and there she went again. There was no reason to think hurtful thoughts about that family. But the instant reaction to lash out was there. The O’Briens may have turned their back on Scott Street, preferring to live more in the middle ground between North and South, but Jillian definitely picked up the mentality. Hell, Grace was still marinating in that method of coping with problems.

Jillian’s thoughts were swirling, and they were creating a whirlpool inside that pit. [color=fd9100]"Did I deserve everything?"[/color] She couldn’t even contain them any more, they were just spilling out. [color=fd9100]"Did I deserve to lose everyone? Lose my child? Just to feel how David and all those others felt? …I’m a monster."[/color]

As Caitlin discussed the pressures of carrying a famous name, she knew she fell under that umbrella. Kylee had sprung the same question on Jillian during her own grill session. But the O’Brien girl was in the swirls now. Everything CeCe said about David could easily be said about her. Allison’s successor, even over Lanie. Born leader, pride of the family, headed for big things. Maybe law school, maybe politics. None of it happened. Couldn’t even be a housewife without failing at the first hurdle. Failing to protect her child. David’s fight was done. Jillian now felt like she was right back in the boxing ring against all these negative emotions Mei helped her fight before.

And what of Mei? How long would it be until Mei got fed up with her? Until Jill did something to tick her off? Until the lack of money becomes too much and they can’t make it work? Sure, the Ramseys seem like a fine family. Similar to what she remembered at home, with Reagan filling Grace’s role. But she wasn’t them. She was the fallen interloper. Jillian was going to be the afterthought, much as she was to Caitlin when Miss Cleary talked about those in the community. And rightfully so.

Mei was Mei in the closing statements, but Jillian couldn’t hear them. She was too far under. [color=fd9100]"I don’t deserve to be happy."[/color] Miss Midnight wasn’t here to offer the assurances from before that got the pair through the interview with Kylee and Adam. Now there was only the Ashes remaining, and the whirlpool was swallowing her whole. [color=fd9100]"I can’t repay Mei, or CeCe, or David, or my family or anyone… I’m a failure of a person."[/color] She tried to hoist herself off the couch, with the music now wafting over Caitlin’s parting shot, but her body felt like it was made of lead. [color=fd9100]"I just bring pain. I bring pain to the town. Mike…"[/color] The light was fading. Doubts that she thought about in those dark days when she was told the baby was lost. Was Mike right to treat her like that? Like a pinata if she couldn’t perform what she needed to do? [color=fd9100]"I can’t fix it…"[/color] A phrase she uttered often after Mike unleashed his anger upon her. A phrase that finally crept into her lexicon after Charlie Decker shot up the school. She fixed things before. Now… even with the way things were going, was it really fixed?

Her legacy was a mess of a person. Even if she did listen to CeCe to ignore the legacy, what was she? A hostess at a hotel? Potentially, if that was even a thing and not just a stranger trying to sound like a big shot?

Maybe if she still had insurance, Jillian would have seen a therapist for this by now. There was some level of stress disorder affecting her. Bipolar disorder didn’t run in her family, as far as she knew. Not that she was thinking about that now. She was thinking of somewhere to escape to.

That third door was always open, but the options were limited. There was beer, but the pain needed to be dealt with [b]NOW[/b]. Beer or mixed drinks weren’t going to do it. She needed vodka, but there was none to be had. The last of it fueled the Afterlife afterparty before Kylie delivered her news. The redhead couldn’t stay in this apartment. She felt like she didn’t belong. She could hear her phone buzzing on the couch. She didn’t want to answer anyone. She wanted to get away. 

And so she did. Her car keys were right there. The CR-V was still in the parking lot. She was dressed up… enough. Shorts and an oversized tee still worked. She wouldn’t need them for very long.

Dealing with negative emotions in a healthy manner after times of trouble is tough even with support on offer. Trying to tackle it alone requires courage, conviction and self-assurance. There may be people in Edenridge who could handle such a thing, maybe just making their way out of Absolute Sound right at the moment the lock turned on the apartment door.  

But Jillian O’Brien ran. 

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