[color=silver][right][sub]TIMESTAMP — After [url=https://www.roleplayerguild.com/posts/5429350]He Falls Head First[/url]
FT — [color=28e0af]Gavriel Phillips-Shomer[/color] and [color=005d9e]Danny Belmonte[/color]
Small FT —[color=a8d16a]Jericho Phillips-Shomer[/color][/sub][/right][/color]
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[img]https://img.roleplayerguild.com/prod/users/be90f555-1b0f-4a27-898f-bc41e0d8ba76.png[/img]

[img]https://i.imgur.com/5LBMbHq.gif[/img] [img]https://i.imgur.com/7vfkx83.gif[/img] [img]https://i.imgur.com/i0q6JzN.gif[/img]

[url=https://www.roleplayerguild.com/users/aces-away][img]https://fontmeme.com/permalink/220626/fe2d9304a6eaff80a4d45d6ff074a27f.png[/img][/url]  [img]https://fontmeme.com/permalink/220626/20e4a27e1adc68a5da4e5e803a955a8e.png[/img]  [url=https://www.roleplayerguild.com/users/lovelycomplex][img]https://fontmeme.com/permalink/220626/22d3f6d4b12b79b1c1bf810756ff3845.png[/img][/url]
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[indent][indent][color=darkgray]Rye ran his fingers through JP’s soft locks as the older man laid down and rested his head on Rye’s knee. One best friend down, one to go. The pool party should be fun, and he’s more than happy to help with Niles’ load as well as make sure the girls were having a good party. The girls and him run a tight ship when it comes to keeping an eye on Niles’ mental health together, and often times they get ahold of him to deal with Niles when they’re at their wits end with the situation. He’s always seen chaperoning their parties with Niles as a sort of repayment for their vigilance and care, much like him coming over to hang was also a relieving of shifts for the twins, whether Niles fully realized that or not. 

While he did want to check up on Danny, there was someone who deserved his immediate attention first. He put his phone down for a brief moment to focus on his love, curling over him with a small half smile. [color=28e0af]"Sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up, I’m checking up on the boys,”[/color] He explained quietly, gently scratching JP’s scalp and tapping his fingers on his bare chest. [color=28e0af]“Do you feel rested at all?”[/color]

Whether Jericho felt rested or not was not a concern to him. With his eyes wide open, staring around him, as if he was watching wind, chasing after the colors, JP tapped his finger on his lover’s knee to a silent rhythm. His senses were connected together and his brain linked to his surroundings, just like everyone else. And yet, for JP it was different. He saw things unlike his friends, unlike his family, and unlike Gavriel. While he took deep breaths, just like the boy beside him, he embraced the world, his world, as if it were a canvas waiting for color. Splashes of color, all in his head. 

Every sound and every word had a color and he saw it all, especially with music. When he heard noise, he found color and that color inevitably led to a music note. Combining noises would lead to a song. And that is the simplest way to describe how his mind worked. The mind of a synesthete. There were so many ways to paint the world with color and for JP, he did exactly that with sound. 

For the brief moment he was alone, and Rye was talking to his friend, JP was woken up by neverending cicadas buzzing, cars passing by in the lively streets of the Westwood neighborhood, and night owls walking to their next destination. Now, he was focused on Rye’s breathing and the ticking of his wristwatch, resting on their nightstand. [color=a8d16a]“Do I ever?”[/color] Smiling, clearly caught in his condition, he turned on his back to look up at Rye. [color=a8d16a]“You know, it’s cute that your favorite color is purple. Purple is very you.”[/color] He smirked, tired and playful. He reached up to feel Rye’s face, tracing the back of his finger on his cheek. [color=a8d16a]“Both good and bad, the color purple is very you.”[/color]

Rye smiled down at his lover, aware that what he was saying was based off of whatever his senses were combining together to show him. He’d often wondered what it was like to be like JP, to hear color and see music and to find a way to put all the pieces together to make the music that everyone else experiences. This was one of those things that he had to accept, that he’d never be able to truly understand how JP experienced the world, and in times like this it just made him love his boyfriend and his mind all the more. His face felt warm at the point of contact with JP’s finger, the man’s love radiating into him from the single motion.

[color=28e0af]“Yeah?”[/color] He replied softly, resuming his playing with the musician’s soft locks. [color=28e0af]“I don’t even know what purple represents collectively, let alone how you experience it, but I’m glad I chose the right color to obsess over my whole life,”[/color] he hummed thoughtfully, tilting his head before smiling a little wider. [color=28e0af]“[i]Color me[/i] intrigued. What makes it so me?”[/color]

[color=a8d16a]“Purple can mean different things, depending on their personality,”[/color] JP answered, repeatedly caressing his lover’s face. [color=a8d16a]“For you, reliable and trustworthy mostly. Though your color has this lighthearted, romantic energy about it that’s hard to explain. It’s what drew me in when we first met. A gentle, soft purple. Nice to the eyes. I imagine it’s the same thing Mordechai saw too,”[/color] he casually brought up the former friend Rye loved, knowing this would cause a little rise. He wasn’t doing this out of malice. This was JP’s way of gently guiding his boyfriend to an issue that he needed to confront. [color=a8d16a]“Well, not like me, but you get what I mean.[/color]

[color=a8d16a]“I will say, some days there’s a gradual shift, to a slightly darker shade. Those days I know you’re caught up in a depressive episode. Maybe that’s why I’ve always just had a good read on you. I see you, through color.”[/color] Letting go of Rye’s face, JP wiped the sleep off his eyes, knowing well enough he needed to give him space to call his friend. The musician widely yawned. There was no way he was going back to sleep.  

Rye's fingers had stopped moving through JP's hair at the mention of Mordechai, confirming the synesthete's expectation. He removed his hand before he accidentally clenched it in JP's locks and hurt the older man with his anxious tell. While he was still doing his best to come to grips with the fact that Mordechai was back home, this was the first time JP has mentioned him since the couple’s ride home from the airport when Rye first returned from his savta’s. The simple mention of the snake in the darkened room however had his nightmare from the other day taking its cue to flood his mind, making his previously relaxed form tense slightly with stress. 

Rye didn’t know what Mordechai saw in him aside from a fun lay and a positive connection to the culture his upbringing withheld from him. He couldn't even begin to think what was going through the other jew's head when Rye had approached him at that party the second half of freshman year. But Mordechai had trusted him with his world and Rye had let it shatter before his eyes, and there’s no way he didn’t blame the curly haired man for at least part of it. Whatever Mordechai had seen in Rye ended up being a deception in the end, and a terrible price was paid.

Before he could chase that rabbit down the hole, however, his lover continued. He wondered if JP was watching his color- [i]his aura? Was JP describing his equivalent of an aura?[/i]- darken as he described that very shift. The thought had him all but physically shaking himself to get rid of the negative feelings and thoughts so he could continue to be the soft light that first drew this musical savant’s eye. When JP yawned, Rye gave into an impulsive thought and tapped his hand rapidly over JP’s lips as he exhaled, staggering the noise coming out of his mouth into a little beat before he broke out into a large grin and giggled a bit at his own childish action.

[color=28e0af]“I’m happy to be your purple, Apollo, and I love when you start waxing poetic on me.”[/color]

Instead of saying anything immediately in return, Jericho placed his hand around Rye’s neck and pulled his lover into a kiss, sharing his breath. Rye’s lips still tasted like strawberry mousse and sparkling cider. He wouldn’t probe any further, Rye had to call his friend. He just hoped his lover knew that he had his support through all this and that he truly did think if he took the chance to talk to his old friend, it wouldn’t be as bad as he thinks it would be. A friendship like that always weathers the worst storms. 

JP’s phone rang from the living room, which was a recording of him playing [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVKQjmqfLuM]Shut Your Mouth[/url] by PAIN. He listened to the music as they kissed, swaying his head to it. After a moment of getting clearly distracted by his music, JP released his lover and rolled off of him. [color=a8d16a]“I should get that.”[/color] Ruffling Rye’s hair before taking his leave, JP shuffled out of the bedroom to grab his phone to see who was calling. When he answered it, he walked to the kitchen to make himself a glass of water and asked, with a bit of concern in his tone, [color=a8d16a]“Hey, Pres. What’s up? You okay?”[/color]

Rye watched JP walk out the bedroom room with no small amount of pouting, having been happy to draw out their moment as long as possible. He titled his head curiously at the muffled tone he heard JP take on, but couldn’t discern any words with the walls between them and his ringing becoming more apparent now that he was once again alone in the dark and quiet. He shook his head to refocus, remembering his previous mission and retrieving his phone from where he’d earlier set it aside, ready to call Danny and see how he was doing, how all the Belmontes were doing with the current circumstances.

Psyching himself up for another phone call- and god did he still prefer texting- he scrolled through his favorites, eyes landing on [i]Oblivious Adonis[/i] and selecting his best friend’s contact, Rye put the phone to his ear, gathering up his blanket and bringing it with him to the bed. The small man plopped down on his back and let his head hang over the edge while the phone rang, viewing the dark room upside down and trying not to let his mind wander.

With one hell of a long day on his shoulders, Danny closed the door of the master bedroom after reading a piece of scripture to his mother and wishing her a goodnight. He was getting better at giving her company and he wondered if it was because he was with Marco now, who gave him strength. Silly to think that someone could cause a drastic shift in how he looked at things. Silly to think love could blindfold him to his mother’s declining health, aiding him in how he handled his interactions with her. Silly to think he could change because he loved a boy. And he loved that boy fiercely. Danny would do his utmost best to never lose that boy again. If that meant coming out to his dad, then that was exactly what he’d do, when the time was right.

When he walked down the hall to go downstairs and make himself a snack, his phone began vibrating in his pants pocket. He had no idea where his siblings were and he wondered if he missed the memo. Regardless of their reason for not being home, or if they were cooped up in their room not wanting to be bothered, Danny would go on with his night because that was just the person he was. He had a routine and rarely did he like things messing it up unless it related to his boyfriend. Danny was a man who kept to a regime, just as much as he kept up with how Marco spent his time away from him. 

[color=005d9e]“Rye, what’s up?”[/color] He answered, entering the kitchen and going to the fridge to choose his snack of choice. [color=005d9e]“How’s your day been? Before you ask, mine has been hectic but we can go into all that in time. You tell me how your’s been first.” [/color]

[color=28e0af]“A lot better than some peoples,”[/color] Rye replied, recalling the update on the conclusion of the Dear David letters that Niles had given him. [color=28e0af]“Hung out with Avery and JP at MSM, Aves went all relationship yoda on me for a minute and then I planned a date night for JP and I. I stole some of Nina’s time to learn how to make his favorite dish and then made a little love nest in his- our- apartment because oh yeah [i]that’s a thing now[/i],”[/color] Rye stumbled right into the major something he forgot to update Danny on through text this morning, stopping for breath when he realized his sentences had run together. [color=28e0af]“JP got an apartment and gave me a key last night Danny, if I wasn’t so ashamed of how I was acting I would have passed out like some anime girl.”[/color]

[color=005d9e]“Oh stop beating yourself up and enjoy the moment. Gotta’ stop souring the good with the bad. Your life isn’t bad, it just has bad times, but ain’t that just how it goes?”[/color] Danny had his phone between his ear and shoulder as he poured himself a glass of milk and put some chocolate syrup in it. [color=005d9e]“Congratulations, by the way, that’s a big step and I hope it’s everything you and JP want. Just understand it’s okay to not have all the answers and it's one thing to live with each other under the same roof with your family but it’s another thing to have a place all to yourselves.” [/color]

The Italian man placed the milk carton and syrup back in the fridge, leaving his glass on the counter. He proceeded to sneakily grab the OREO cookies from the pantry. Cheating on his hardcore diet, Danny slipped outside, with his phone and delectable goodies. Setting himself up on the back patio lounge, which wasn’t too far from the outdoor kitchen, the Belmonte boy put his phone on speaker. 

Tiziano Belmonte was an excessive man and liked what he liked. The Belmonte House was a beast. Full of intricate finds and offered just about everything a home could offer. A home theater, a wine cellar, a home gym in the guest house that also had Danny’s wood workshop. When Taz has an idea, he commits and goes above and beyond. His home was his happy place and the Belmonte children were lucky to have a father like him.  

[color=28e0af]“If I could stop souring the good with the bad, Danny boy, my therapist would drop my appointments from weekly to monthly,”[/color] Rye snarked, smirking as he heard the plastic rustle of what was certainly [i]not[/i] healthy food. [color=28e0af]“And thanks, I know it is but JP seems to think we can do it. I’ve even got an interview with Beau to start at the cafe soon, get some routine and income,”[/color] He brought his free hand off the bed to play with the curls hanging off of his head. Danny had always been good at just telling him what he needed to hear, much as Rye did for him, and it worked out perfectly for the two men that found it hard to admit when things were actually [i]going well[/i] in their lives, always afraid of the other shoe dropping. [color=28e0af]“He offered to get me a job at MSM but I figured I’d be [i]responsible[/i]-”[/color] He drew the word out dramatically, as though it actually hurt to say. [color=28e0af]“-and work at a place where I won’t be distracted by my boyfriend’s ass the whole time.”[/color]

[color=005d9e]“Smart move,”[/color] Danny chuckled, knowing well enough he too would have an extremely hard time working at the same place with his boyfriend. It was bound to happen since from time to time Danny assisted his sister at the Godmother. He could barely keep his hands off of him in highschool. What made him think they could work together side by side? The chances of them slipping into a back room to make out were strong and rarely off his mind. Thankfully, his fear of being caught outweighed his desire to take Marco at every possible chance he got so if it were to happen, he could only hope he could focus on the job at hand and not the boy he loved. Chewing on a piece of Oreo, contemplatively and deep in thought, Danny probed, [color=005d9e]“There was hesitation in your voice. You said JP thinks you both can do it. Live together. What do you think?”[/color]

[color=28e0af]“What?”[/color] Rye asked, immediately evasive, heart fluttering as he went on the defense. [color=28e0af]“There was no hesitation, I was just trying to figure out what sugary snack you were rustling through. Knowing you it's probably Oreos, right?”[/color] Rye sat up from his position partially hanging off the bed and shifted the phone to his other ear, pulling his knees up to his chest and throwing an arm around them. [color=28e0af]“Nothing wrong with a cheat night buddy, your secret’s safe with me. How are things going with Marco?”[/color]

[color=005d9e]“You know me well,”[/color] Danny stated, a hint of sarcasm and authority in between his words. [color=005d9e]“I’m very aware I’m cheating but I hold myself to a high standard. So yeah, I’m a little guilty but I know what I’m doing. I’ll just workout longer tonight.”[/color] There was a pause as he reached for his milk and took a long chug. When he was done, letting the silence linger between them, he scoffed, [color=005d9e]“There’s clearly something wrong but looks like we’re going the nunya business route. Got it. I feel so loved.”[/color]

Another pause.

[color=005d9e]“We’re great. Thanks for asking.” [/color]

Two could play this game. 

Rye fidgeted with the corner of his sheet as the heavy silence took over, appropriately shamed for his response. He was calling to check up on Danny, not the other way around. He had been prepared to talk about Danny’s day first but his friend had promptly turned the table on that. He had answered Danny’s questions, just not fully, trying to speed by his part of the update on information alone.

But Danny could read Rye without any visual cues, and if the page wasn’t descriptive enough he would always ask for footnotes. Rye knew what he was doing by staying silent right now; he was weaponizing it against Rye who couldn’t stand silence on a normal day, both because of his tinnitus and due to his anxiety. As the ringing in his ears and light static from the phone filled the span of silence, Rye stared hard at the wall and bit his lip, holding his breath until he finally snapped.

[color=28e0af]“I think I’m gonna disappoint him,”[/color] He whined. [color=28e0af]“Okay? He really thinks I can do this but he believes so much in me and I just…I don’t think that way. I want to see me through his eyes,”[/color] Rye thought of his conversation with JP right before the current call. Without JP to see him, Rye let show the insecurities that his beautiful words had caused. [color=28e0af]“What if I’m not enough in the end, what if what he believes in inside me isn’t there? He brought Dec-”[/color] Rye cut himself off with a frustrated huff, mentally berating himself for another mistake. [color=28e0af]“Mordechai up in the middle of being all sweet and wonderful and I nearly fell apart all over again. What if I don’t heal enough for him?”[/color]

There, Danny’s silence demanded answers and he got them. Now Rye was biting his lip again and glaring at his hand tapping an anxious staccato on his knee.

[color=005d9e]“What do you want me to say? That it’s all going to work out in the end?”[/color] Danny inquired, putting his cookies and milk down, grabbing his phone and picking himself up from his seat. [color=005d9e]“You keep thinking like that, maybe you will lose him. Just like I did with Marco. I’m lucky though, that he forgave me. Doesn’t mean I forgive myself,”[/color] the young Italian man sighed as he walked down the back porch stairs to look up at the sky. [color=005d9e]“Relationships are hard, Gavriel. And I don’t mean just lovers. Friendships too.”[/color] He thought about earlier today where he and Mika exchanged fists all for the same reason. They both loved Caitlin. Mika wanted to prove a point that he would be good to her and Danny wanted his former friend to work for it. In the end, he could admit he was glad to have at least one old friend back in his life.

[color=005d9e]“You’re doing yourself and JP a disservice by doubting everything you’ve ever built together and continue to build. It’s not going to be 50/50 when it comes to supporting each other. Sometimes it’s going to be 20/80 or 60/40. But what I can say is that sticking with people is a choice. It’s a choice and you choose to love them because you’re giving yourself no other option. That’s all JP wants. Trust. He wants you to trust him and start believing in yourself, dude. But if you can’t at least try? What are you doing?”[/color] He paused and started to stroll in his backyard, thinking he was alone and out of earshot from others. It was a beautiful and cool night. Unlike yesterday where it was downpouring. 

[color=005d9e]“Why are you with him?”[/color] Danny firmly asked, before continuing, [color=005d9e]“You’ve already given up, Rye, and if that’s the case, might as well break up with him. If what you have with JP isn’t worth fighting for, why bother? Do you think I ever thought I’d get a second chance? Do you think I ever expected for him to still care about me even after I ripped him into a million pieces? I don’t deserve him but I sure as hell will work my ass off to become the man he deserves.” [/color]

[color=28e0af]It’s not that I don’t trust him, I do,”[/color] Rye replied. [color=28e0af]“And I haven’t given up I’m just- ugh, hold on,”[/color] Rye took a deep breath, trying to keep his thought process to a single train on a single track instead of his usual routine of multiple trains passing by and narrowly missing each other. Why was he with JP? That was such an easy question. That was such a [i]hard[/i] question. It was the little things, and the big things, and everything in between that made up JP and everything that attracted Rye to him. The man wasn’t a simple lyric, he was an entire song composed by a prodigy and performed with the backing of an entire orchestra. 

[color=28e0af]“I’m with him because I love him. I love his soft voice in the night and the gruff edge it has in the morning. I’m with him because whether he’s embracing me with open arms or trying to shut me out and deal with things alone, I [i]want[/i] to be there with him. It isn’t about making me whole with him, it’s just about us being happy. Y’know what I mean?”[/color]

[color=005d9e]“Yeah, I know what you mean. Maybe not exactly like that, since I’m still working on myself but I get it. What you have and how he makes you feel, it makes sense to you. Just how what I have with Marco, makes sense to me.”[/color] Danny found himself at the guest house, seeing that all the lights were off. He turned from it and started strolling back, passing his father’s tool shed as he enjoyed the calm of the night. [color=005d9e]“So what’s the problem? Stop thinking of the what ifs. That’s killing you slowly. JP sees something in you and yeah, maybe that’s why he brought up Mordechai because I imagine he knows you and he knows you’ll never be truly okay until you at least talk to him. Like for example, today I beat the crap out of Mikhail. We both feel fantastic now.”[/color]

[color=28e0af]“Yeah it’s jus- wait, what?”[/color] Rye’s eyes went wide, his fingers stilling as he registered the last part of Danny’s commentary. [color=28e0af]“Are you serious right now? Are you okay? I warned Niles not to get into a fight with Mika, I didn’t realize you needed one too.”[/color]

[color=005d9e]“Oh yeah, it’s all good. Sometimes we boys just need to get our issues out with our might,”[/color] Danny laughed, clearly having already made peace with the morning events. [color=005d9e]“It’s been awhile since Mika and I fought but it was needed. Sure, it might’ve been a little excessive but when all was said and done, we finally talked.”[/color]

[color=28e0af]“Well gee so long as you talked[/color] came the sarcastic reply, an eyeroll accompanying it despite the fact that Danny couldn’t see it. The motherfucker could feel his attitude, he just knew it, so he could metaphysically feel his eyes rolling as well. [color=28e0af]“How you didn’t get along with the rest of the Southies is beyond me, fists first is like their motto.”[/color]

The mention brought his thoughts back full circle to one southie in particular, and Rye felt himself curling up like an armadillo, as if a thin layer of cloth could protect him from the roiling ocean of chaos that was brought up along with Mordechai Boaz. Danny very well may have seen just as much, if not more, as JP of just how Mordechai and Rye’s relationship grew. He’d sat there and been forced to hear the raunchier details as Rye bragged about his place in their Game. He’d been in the hospital room with him when JP told Rye that the other man left town without a trace.

All the important people in his life kept hinting, both vague and otherwise, at this ultimate point in his and Mordechai’s paths where they collided again, and everyone aside from him seemed to think it was better for that to happen sooner rather than later. 

These people did not literally have the blood of Mordechai’s baby brother all over them. Rye has healed a lot in these two years, and therapy does wonders despite his current precarious balancing act on the precipice of his mental state. Rye’s confronted a lot in this time, but something he never had a choice of his own in confronting was the issue of Mordechai Boaz and his late brother Danny.

When Mordechai left town, Rye had done his best to shove all his feelings about that unresolved trauma into a little box and cover it with all his [i]other[/i] unresolved issues to deal with later, maybe never. But now, with most of his other deep seated problems dusted off and properly displayed on his mental shelves, that dirty box in the corner seemed to be shaking itself off and demanding attention. Rye was scared to give it. He was scared to dust off the key and turn it in its slot, unveiling the monster he let fester for almost two full years in the dark and the forgotten space in his mind. 

[color=28e0af]“How do I even talk to him? I can’t exactly go right up to him and be all, ‘Hey Mordechai, long time no see, remember when we all almost bled to death together? Sorry it was only one of us’,”[/color] The topic had Rye’s dry humor take a darker turn, his mouth pulling into a distressed frown and he battled with his building anxiety. [color=28e0af]“How about, ‘Hey, thanks for abandoning me as fast as my father did after another event I had no control over, now I feel like I personally killed your little brother and you’ll never forgive me, how’s life been treating you?’”[/color]

Rye had no chill whatsoever. It was annoying. [color=005d9e]“Why do you need the answers to that? Why do you have to be prepared? Talks like that don’t have some kind of formula. They come from the heart. I’ve had the door slammed in my face so many times by Jill that I lost count but guess what? We finally talked and she’s willing to give our friendship another go. And honestly, I have to thank Mei for that because without her, Jill would still be drowning in alcohol.” [/color]

Furrowing his eyebrows, he found his way back to the lounge where his cookies and milk were. He sat back down and leaned back. [color=005d9e]“This isn’t going to be easy, Rye. It isn’t supposed to be. But please for the love of God, stop thinking about all the things you can’t control. What can you control? Let’s start there. In this situation, confronting an old friend, what can you control? If his name literally makes your heart sink, it shows you still love the dude. Now let’s take a few breaths and think. What can I control? Three things. What you think. What you say. How you behave. First one - what do you think when you think about Mordechai? And I don’t mean the guilt. I mean him, as a person.”[/color]

[color=28e0af]“...”[/color] Rye clutched onto the phone as Danny forced him on track, taking deep breaths and trying to calm his unnecessary nerves. [color=28e0af]“I think…I think that he’s always trying to do right even when he’s doing wrong,”[/color] the curly haired boy finally answered after another shaky exhale. [color=28e0af]“I think his drive to protect those he cares about gives off this energy that’s impossible to pull away from. I think he hurts others most when he’s trying his damndest to hurt himself, and it’s why so many people are drawn to protect him like he tries to protect others. I think he’s always been someone who’s circumstances created a soldier when he otherwise would have been a medic.”[/color]

[color=005d9e]“Poetic,”[/color] Danny smiled, feeling like he was making headway with his friend. With his phone in his hand and still on speaker, he pushed forward, hoping this was helping Rye get at least some clarity of what he wanted to do. The answers were all there, he just had to hush the noise and listen to his voice.[color=005d9e] “Not thinking of what happens after, only thinking about [i]you[/i], if you could say anything to him, and I mean anything, what would you say? And don’t be thinking about how you even got to this point or thinking this is an unlikely scenario. I don’t care about how we got here, all I care about is what is on your mind. What is on your heart. What would you say?”[/color]

[color=28e0af]“...I hated him for leaving, but I understand now,”[/color] Rye answered back, closing his eyes as he felt tears building up. [color=28e0af]“It hurt but it wasn’t about me[/color] Rye had never detailed the events of that day to Danny, or anyone aside from his therapist, obviously, and Elisa, who had been right alongside him. [color=28e0af]“Even with my whole support system, I don’t know if I would have been able to stay after seeing what Mordechai saw. Danny felt like a little brother to me but he actually [i]was[/i] Mordechai’s. There’s a reason I skipped like half of Senior year and never ate at school again, so I get it, as much as an only child can. I just wish he had told me if he hated me before he left, so I wasn’t stuck with the nightmares and guilt.”[/color]

This was hard, Danny was being a proxy at the moment and just imagining that these words were actually reaching Decky’s ears made him want to stop, but he knew that his friend was doing the right thing by forcing him to confront it, if even a little.

[color=28e0af]“It really fucked me up, I still don’t know what he thinks about me two years after the fact and when I saw that he was back…I was scared instead of excited. My biggest issues in life surround abandonment and lack of closure, and suddenly everything I’d finally resigned myself to never dealing with is shoved in my face as soon as I get back from Cleveland. Just existing in the same town knowing that he’s here and that he hasn’t come to see me- to blame me, to punch me, to hug me, I don’t [i]care[/i]-”[/color] Rye’s aggravation began to show right alongside the desperation in his voice. It wasn’t fair, Decky traipsing home and [i]still[/i] avoiding him. He understood when he was gone, that was fair enough, but now he was back and living in Rye’s head rent free. [color=28e0af]“-it feels like my heart’s in a blender and he’s pressing puree. Does he really care that little about me? We almost died together and I just-”[/color] 

His throat closed up around the lump that had formed in it and Rye swallowed hard to try and clear his airway, gasping as the hot tears finally burned trails down his cheeks. [color=28e0af]“I have no idea where he’s staying but [i]he[/i] could have found [i]me[/i], I literally didn’t move until last night. Do I mean so little to him?”[/color]

[color=005d9e]“That sounds like a lot of unknowns and things you cannot control,”[/color] Danny exasperatedly sighed but kept on pressing onward. [color=005d9e]“Focus on what you can control. Last time I checked, Mordechai wasn’t someone with the best upbringing. I don’t know the details, like you probably do, but that means he might not have the best tools to help him decide. Not like me who was given the world since birth. A dad who works his ass off to provide for me and my sisters and a mom...”[/color] he paused for a moment, thinking about her state, currently lying in bed, fighting for her life everyday just to know her family would be okay. 

[color=005d9e]“A mom who showed me the meaning of love and family. And that kindness goes a long way.”[/color] He cleared his throat, getting back on track. [color=005d9e]“Last time I checked, he has more people than just you that he needs to get to forgive him. Penelope and Jade, for one. And… Sonny? Yeah, I think that’s his name. I’m sure he has a long list of people that were bent up he left.”[/color] Danny might have not been a rocket scientist but he knew people dealt with things differently. He was one of seven and they all handled things in their own ways. 

Nobody was perfect and it was wrong for Rye to assume Mordechai knew what he wanted when honestly, Mordechai probably barely was figuring out what he wanted. With all that trauma this town throws on you it’s hard to swim through your own sea of sorrows, regrets and guilt. That’s why patience, support and understanding was absolutely necessary. [color=005d9e]“Last time I checked, his best friend shot his brother and he wasn’t able to protect him, like I wasn’t at school to shield my sisters, my niece, the love of my life, you…”[/color] the more Danny talked, the more he realized the leaps he’s taken by confronting his truths and people of his past but also he realized that he too had guilt boiling inside him. Guilt for not being there for the ones he loves. [color=005d9e]“You can dance around and assume how he’s thinking all day, but don’t put words in his mouth. The only reason why you think he hates you is because of your own self loathing and THAT’S something you can control. How you see yourself.”[/color]

Rye went silent on the other end of the line, Danny’s words hitting home rather solidly. Sonny had been a complete wreck when Mordechai had left, that much was true. In fact, when Rye had gone southside after the shooting to see if anyone was still in contact with Decky, Sunshine had almost bitten his head off. Not that that attitude was different from his average, but the desperation and grief in his tone was something Rye had never heard from the other man. Poppy had been looking better recently, healthier every time he saw her peeking out from the back of Beau’s cafe, and Rye wondered if it had anything to do with the same person that had him all twisted up.

He knew these feelings were selfish, it was why he had never felt comfortable enough sharing them. Mordechai had lost his brother, Danny had almost lost Marco, his siblings, and his niece, JP had been stuck outside worrying about losing him and his sisters. Rye had just…failed. He’d lost little Danny because his focus was somewhere else and now there was another sibling in the world that had become an only child.

[color=28e0af]“I don’t like looking at myself through my own eyes, other people’s views are much kinder,”[/color] Rye admitted pitifully, his voice so small you could barely hear it. [color=28e0af]“Through my own eyes I look like a burden and a spaz. I try to think otherwise but I feel like I just keep proving it to be true. Current conversation being a perfect example; I called to check on you, to see how you were doing with everything happening, to check on Momma B., and instead I’m getting a free therapy session from someone who is [i]definitely[/i] not licensed but is making a lot of valid points.”[/color]

[color=005d9e]“And?”[/color] Danny curtly responded. [color=005d9e]“We’ll catch up fully when we can. Right now you need me and that’s okay. And when I need you, I know you’ll be waiting with open arms. Give yourself some slack, dude.”[/color] No longer laying back, Danny returned his phone to the patio table and rubbed his temples. He loved Rye but there were times he wondered if his words were hitting deaf ears. Yes, he was aware of Rye’s tinnitus but that’s not what he meant. [color=005d9e]“I want you to be okay,”[/color] he began.

[color=005d9e]“For you to be okay, you need to start loving yourself. Validation and words of encouragement can only get you so far. That’s not fair to JP, me, Niles, you, your mother and whoever else. What makes you think any of your relationships will last if you can’t love yourself? You’re expecting us to fill something that only you can fill. You, Gavriel, are a priority. We accept the love we think we deserve and if you don’t love yourself enough to bring yourself closure with Mordechai or to realize that you’re already pushing JP away by doubting yourself, then I don’t know what to tell you, Rye,”[/color] Danny moved his hands around as he spoke, just like his father would when he talked. [color=005d9e]“Enough is enough,”[/color] his deep, yet comforting voice boomed in the backyard. [color=005d9e]“No more excuses.”[/color]

Were this not such an emotionally taxing conversation, Rye would have dove at the chance to respond to Danny very obviously using his dom voice with something along the lines of ‘Yes [i]sir[/i], I’ll be a good boy!’. Unfortunately for him, words were extremely difficult at the moment as he sobbed silently into the sheet covering his knees, hugging them tighter to his chest like it could shield him from his own mentality. 

Danny was right, and he had unknowingly brought up several points that Rye’s therapist had as well. While he’s made strides with his therapist and taken much of what has been said in their sessions to heart, something about it being Danny to be the one to say these things hit harder, dug deeper. Niles had been his first contact and friend in Edenridge, JP the first to truly draw his eye in a special way, Mordechai had been the community and conversations that he missed from home. But Danny Belmonte was his first [i]best friend[/i] in Edenridge, his first best friend since Rye had sworn off them in the seventh grade after his childhood best friend decided to see if lead tasted better than life.

What had started as one sided flirting with Danny had developed into a friendship based on mutual dumbassery, but also accountability. Rye had been a chameleon and a party hopper, adamant about not needing anyone close to him, and Danny had been a man’s man and a jock, under pressure to perform to his role as the only son and next man of the family. It never should have worked. Some of the things Rye had said to Danny would have gotten him slammed up against a locker and beaten by other jocks he’d known. Some of the more ignorant things Danny said would have had Rye starting arguments instead of conversations with anyone else. Yet for all their differences, they always matched each other’s compassion with the same fervor that they matched each other’s stupidity and competitive spirit, and that was what made what they had special.

Danny was telling him what he needed to hear, whether he wanted to hear it or not, and that was important to him. Danny was a good friend, and the way Rye was thinking about himself was hurting him, hurting everyone Rye loved. Hurting himself, just like not seeing Mordechai was.

[color=28e0af]“No excuses,”[/color] He finally parrotted back hoarsely. [color=28e0af]“Shit.”[/color] Releasing his death grip on his legs in favor of dropping them into a criss cross and hunching over, rubbing the remaining tears off his face with his newly freed appendage. [color=28e0af]“...You know I love you, right? Like obviously Marco has the romance section of love covered, but you’re stuck with me for the platonic love, I corner that market. It’s mine.”[/color]

It was a little selfish, the way he said it, and definitely possessive, but above all it was an expression of his love- his thanks- to his best friend and everything he’s done for him over the years, everything he put up with; the late night calls and anxieties, the severe oversharing of his sexual life, the clinginess and insecurities. Danny, much like JP and Niles as well, saw all of it, took it all in, and found reason to love Rye anyways. Despite it, because of it, he didn’t know, but if everyone that Rye loved was able to love him back, then he had to be able to find it; the self love that has evaded him since his father left, that seemed to leave the planet completely when Mordechai disappeared. He could do that. Even if it took time, he could do that. But he knew where it started.

It started with talking to Mordechai.

[color=005d9e]“Good,”[/color] Danny rubbed his face, relieved his words had reached his friend. [color=005d9e]“I love you too,”[/color] the Italian boy smiled at the phone, thinking back on all the good times, bad times he shared with his anxiety-ridden friend. [color=005d9e]“Alright,”[/color] Danny stood up and stretched his body, ready to clean up his oreos and milk and get ready for his nightly routine, [color=005d9e]“I got an early morning at work tomorrow, but to give you spark notes that we can discuss another time about me. My mom is as okay as she’ll ever be but I don’t think…”[/color] she has much longer. Not finishing his thought out loud, he diverted and went to another subject, [color=005d9e]“The reason I fought with Mikhail is because I caught him in Caitlin’s room comforting her. Truth be told, there’s a lot I haven’t told you about my other friends’ personal business but I’m sure you know now, at least one of the secrets because of the letters.”[/color]

[color=005d9e]“But here’s another one. Mika and Cece were a thing after David passed and I’m pretty sure they’re getting back together. So yeah, I don’t know how this impacts Niles but I’m sure you got that covered. As for Marco and myself, no complaints. He makes me happy.”[/color] Danny’s phone was back off speaker and in between his ear and shoulder, as he grabbed his things and went back inside. [color=005d9e]“Does this satisfy the healer in you? Your Danny boy is doing fine and dandy. I just need to work off these calories now.” [/color]

[color=28e0af]“Yeah, Niles mentioned Mika when I called him earlier. Never a dull day here,”[/color] Rye mentioned offhandedly. His phone call with Niles, his conversation with JP, they already felt like so long ago. [color=28e0af]“And your other friends’ personal business isn’t mine, if you’ve got secrets to keep for the sake of others I’m not gonna get in your way. And I’m glad Marco makes you happy, dude, you deserve it, however my inner healer will not be satisfied without another proper hang,”[/color] He knew what Danny had left unsaid about the Belmonte matriarch, and his heart ached for what his best friend was going through, for what he was going to have to experience soon. He was glad that the light that was Marco came full force back into Danny’s life when he did, as the young Italian man is going to need all the love and support surrounding him that he can get. [color=28e0af]“Maybe Marco too so I can redeem myself from that last race?”[/color]

[color=005d9e]“I’ll see when he’s free next and hit you up,”[/color] Danny said reassuringly, having put the cookies back where they belonged. Rinsing his cup, before trying to end the call to take care of business, he calmly pleaded, [color=005d9e]“Seriously though. Don’t worry about me.”[/color] He put his glass cup into the dishwasher, closing the door with his foot. [color=005d9e]“I’m okay, now you need to try to be okay. Go get your fluffy blanket and snuggle up next to JP as you watch, I don’t know, Whiplash. Put your mind to rest and [i]relax[/i]. Actually, Whiplash isn’t a relaxing film. Go watch School of Rock. Sound like a plan, homie?”[/color]

[color=28e0af]“A great plan,”[/color] The curly haired boy admitted, more than ready to curl up into his boyfriend’s side. [color=28e0af]“Stay safe ‘til next time, buddy, good night.”[/color]

[color=005d9e]“You too, oh and Rye. I love you.”[/color]

[color=28e0af]“I love you too, man, see you soon,”[/color] Rye finished with a soft smile as he pulled the phone from his ear and hung up, staying where he was for a small moment before he took a deep breath and slid off the bed, exiting the bedroom to find his boyfriend in their living room.

JP was sitting cross legged in their little lover’s nest on the floor, playing his keyboard with the sound low. Hoping his face didn’t give away how strenuous the conversation had been, or that the purple JP could see didn’t betray him, Rye made his way over to the older man. In a turn of role from earlier, Rye crawled down next to him and laid his head on his boyfriend’s lap, looking up at the man with wide pleading eyes and a puppy pout. 

[color=28e0af]“Danny said we have to watch School of Rock, I don’t make the rules.”[/color][/color][/indent][/indent]