Happy Valentine's Day everyone. You are all loved and cherished. Please accept this Valentine that, much like a social disease or an accidental pregnancy, will haunt you for the rest of your life. 

[hider=Torn up notes found in Sloane's waste bin, accompanying a bottle of red wine and a box of half-eaten chocolates]

[center][h1][color=#FFBFD4]S[/color][color=#FFB9D1]l[/color][color=#FFB4CE]o[/color][color=#FFAFCB]a[/color][color=#FFAAC8]n[/color][color=#FFA5C5]e[/color][color=#FF9FC2]'[/color][color=#FF9ABF]s[/color] [color=#FF90B9]R[/color][color=#FF8BB6]e[/color][color=#FF86B3]l[/color][color=#FF80B0]a[/color][color=#FF7BAD]t[/color][color=#FF76AB]i[/color][color=#FF71A8]o[/color][color=#FF6CA5]n[/color][color=#FF66A2]/[/color][color=#FF619F]S[/color][color=#FF5C9C]h[/color][color=#FF5799]i[/color][color=#FF5296]p[/color] [color=#FF4790]C[/color][color=#FF428D]h[/color][color=#FF3D8A]a[/color][color=#FF3887]r[/color][color=#FF3384]t[/color][/h1]
[i]100% factual and valid determination of your ideal romantic partner. No other relationships will be allowed to blossom per the agreement signed upon joining the Sycamore Tree Coven. Disagreements and disputes can be taken up with Sloane Faris*, provided they are presented by letter and signed by both parties. Please allow 4-6 weeks for any dispute responses.

[right][sub]*as opposed to this poster, who is merely presenting the data.[/sub][/right][/i][/center]

[hr]
[b]Britney:[/b] Seeks forgiveness more than anything else, despite having done nothing to deserve any forgiveness. Has a history of forcing things upon others without their consent. Too damn tall. Should probably spend their whole life alone. [b]Ideal Romantic Partner: Stormy.[/b] Kind enough to eventually offer a second-chance, stubborn enough to not be a total pushover. Secure enough in masculinity (debatable?) to not worry about the height difference. Known to use protection, so at least there won’t be any Britney Jrs. 

[b]Matchmaker’s Score: [/b] 0/10. The tarot deck probably needed shuffling. Britney should have no partners.

[i]What a cute pairing. Both of them are trying their best to do the right thing, but are different enough that they’ll balance one another out. Besides, a person who can’t stand someone slowly coming to recognition that their hatred is actually feelings of love is a tale of classic romance. A perfect match![/i]
[hr]
[b]Linqian:[/b] Uses her family to generate sympathy. Can’t stick to a single partner even if her life counted on it. Simple, boring fashion sense. Really just a bitch. [b]Ideal Romantic Partner: Leon.[/b] Able to handle dealing with a bitch, has a raging one already inside of him. What is a cult but a family? Would probably prefer an open relationship anyway. Best/Worst case scenario he ends up wolfing out and eating her.

[b]Matchmaker’s Score:[/b] 6/10. Hardly an ideal relationship, but should last since neither of them have to commit to it. Almost feel sorry for Leon.

[i]Sorry, but someone crashing into another's car is a definitive meet cute. This simply must happen. Linqian’s too wishy-washy to be fully indoctrinated into a cult anyway. [/i]
[hr]
[b]Anya: [/b]High IQ. Motivated businesswoman. Impeccable taste. A genuine good person. [b]Ideal Romantic Partner: Greyson.[/b] High EQ. Motivated businessman. Impeccable taste. A genuine misjudged (good?) person. 

[b]Matchmaker’s Score: [/b]10/10. An absolute power couple. Why hasn’t this happened? 

[i]They’d be adorable together, it’s just…why do I have such a bad feeling about this duo? Jealousy? Hm, this feels different than jealousy…[/i]
[hr]
[b]Tayla:[/b] Honestly, probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. Needs a support system more than anything else. Kids are a massive turnoff. [b]Ideal Romantic Partner: Lila.[/b] Clean history may help prevent any dangerous temptations. Creates judgment and discrimination free spaces. Knows how to handle creatures that only eat, shit, and sleep. 

[b]Matchmaker’s Score:[/b] ?/10. This feels more like a sponsorship than a relationship. Was the tarot spread improperly?

[i]I just feel like Tayla has earned some happiness. Perhaps Lila isn’t the one, but of anyone I know she seems like the only person capable of showing Tayla that all relationships do not have to be horrible and transactional. Still, this one feels more sad than fun. Worst case scenario we’d have a Jungle Book situation with the birds raising Tayla’s kid. That’d be precious. [/i]
[hr]

[b]Drake:[/b] A stupid, stubborn jock. Abusive towards women. A stupid, sexy ass. What an idiot. [b]Ideal Romantic Partner: Adora.[/b] A stupid, stubborn jock. Will beat Drake up. Two massive egos will keep each other from getting too inflated. 

[b]Matchmaker’s Score:[/b] 3/10. Both should just be seeing a therapist.

[i]Drake needs a tough woman to keep him in line, and shared experiences regarding loss could lead to strengthening of bonds that they’d otherwise keep hidden from people who haven’t dealt with similar trauma. Still, it doesn’t feel like the healthiest foundation for a relationship. Perhaps if they got together around Christmas it’d be cuter like in one of those Hallmark movies?[/i]
[hr]
[b]Luca:[/b] Too plucky for anybody with a decent grasp on reality to constantly be around. The Rot really puts a damper on the physical aspect of things. Will become a financial burden. [b]Ideal Romantic Partner: Jack.[/b] Has spent the last decade in the Void, doesn’t know how much life sucks. Shadow hands can be reformed if rotted away. Can just create new shadow items to replace rotten things.

[b]Matchmaker’s Score: [/b]8/10. A partnership that simultaneously solves a major life burden as well.

[i]Plus, imagine how sad it’ll be once Luca is finally consumed by the Rot despite Jack’s best efforts. Another loss of a beloved partner. Will Jack ever find true love? How romantic! How tragic!
[/i][hr]
[b]Lynn:[/b] A well-balanced drinking problem disguises drunkenness as friendliness. Would insist she already foresaw the match of any relationship reading, yet remains single. Can’t make her mind up about anything after all.[b] Ideal Romantic Partner: Sully?[/b] Together they’d be forever spiraling between choosing between going to Applebee’s or Chili’s for happy hour. No, wait Sully isn’t the answer. There’s another card. [b]Ideal Romantic Partner: Sully’s Chalice? [/b]

[b]Matchmaker’s Score: [/b]9/10. Drinking alone sounds right. Obviously Lynn saw this coming.

[i]I don’t understand. I’ve done hundreds of these readings. Everytime I do one for Lynn they come up so bad. Am I projecting negative energy into the cards?[/i]
[hr]
[b]Lyss: [/b]Has realistic expectations. Keeps distant from the others. Extremely cagey about where she’s been, what she’s doing, or where she’s going. [b]Ideal Romantic Partner: Max who?[/b] Redo. Probably desires someone independent and responsible. Someone okay with periods of separation.[b] Ideal Romantic Partner: Max? Again?[/b] Okay, one more try…

[b]Matchmaker’s Score:[/b] 11/10. The energy here is so strong. Who is Max? Why does everything come up Max?

[i]Perhaps they’re some kind of star-crossed lovers, tied together by fate but separated by unfortunate circumstances of their stations in life like an actual Romeo and Juliet? Has there ever been anything more romantic or a love more true than the tale of a thirteen year old girl who was so infatuated with her first ever crush that she died for it? [/i]
[hr]

[b]Sloane:[/b] Independent, financially secure, emotionally stable, perfect style, free of any vices or baggage, [i]a perfect fucking catch so why am I alone? Could there be something about me that is undesirable?[/i] No. St. Portwell is obviously just lacking in eligible bachelors. [i]This reading is pointless, I don’t have an [b]Ideal Romantic Partner:[/b][/i] [b]Jasper.[/b] [i]No, no, no, no, no.[/i] Affable, well-liked, interesting, creative, [i]and everything I am not. He’s a bohemian hipster loser and I don’t care that he’s[/i] attractive, stylish, and well-connected. He’s aesthetic, colorful chaos and [i]I’m utilitarian, boring order. This is stupid. Relationship readings are stupid. Jasper is stupid.[/i] 

[b]Matchmaker’s Score:[/b] -10/10. This invalidates all the readings. Clearly these cards are cursed!

[i]God he likes bugs more than me! I hate this![/i]

[hider=Clancy's reading][img]https://i.imgur.com/yKb2nWM.gif[/img][/hider]

[hider=Layla's reading][img]https://pa1.aminoapps.com/6044/bf46c2bc2f06f0e1a81cad817fb56146b8f26cea_hq.gif[/img][/hider][/hider]

[right][sub]Blame Fern and Nori. They wouldn't let it go.[/sub][/right]