Chapter 2: The G.U.I.L.T Trip 

[i] "Bad habits are like chains that are too light to feel until they are too heavy to carry" - Warren Buffet [/i]


Late into the night, there I am behind the warehouses, where one of the breweries are active among all the abandoned and empty businesses. People are there, enjoying the company and the drinks they are ordering, getting drunk on beer and ales. I'm no different, except I'm currently there alone, drowning my sorrows and feeling remorse, getting jealous of the others as they embrace the comradery and comfort of others. I stare at them, reminiscing over the times where I had that, wishing I was able to appreciate it during those times, not faking my emotions and just really enjoy the embrace of others, feeling wanted. Feeling loved. To understand the appreciation that they really had for me as I did them. My drunken self really starts to ponder whether or not they were there to enjoy my company, or if they felt sorry for me. I honestly had no idea at the time, and I still have no idea about it.

I am now four drinks in off of IPA's, and I decide to leave. I am too drunk to really drive home, so I walk, out into the bushes and grass that was located behind the brewery, until I reach an area with long straights that were free of bushes and trees, and close enough to the highway to hear the cars and trucks pass by. I lay down right there, staring at the illuminated night sky where only a few stars were able to shine through. I was waiting for a moment to come, for a moment to pass me by, as I am just lost in thought. Thinking about past events, past memories, and past emotions. I close my eyes and really delve deep into my thoughts. 

They say that the definition of guilt is to feel responsible or regretful about an event, real or imaginary. My psychologist says to treat guilt as an acronym:

Getting
Us
Into
Living
Terrified

As we experience G.U.I.L.T, we tend to live terrified, worried about how people may treat us and react to us for actions we may have committed or thoughts we may be thinking. That it's really no way to live. He explains that in reality, others have no room to judge us for our actions, and only we define what we want to represent in life, and only one being is ever capable of truly judging us. As a Christian based psychologist, he often refers to the bible, and said this to me: [i] “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."[/i] This excerpt was from Luke 6:37. As nice as it is think that, its harder said than done. We as humans judge everyone for any kind of action, whether intentional or not. I'm guilty of it as much as the next person, and its incredibly hard to forgive others for hurting us in any way, as well as wanting to receive forgiveness for others we may have hurt. It's just part of human nature. I'm still in a state where I don't believe I can be forgiven in any capacity for my actions, and I always been in this constant state of guilt, shame, and remorse where I try anything in my power to make up for the sins committed, whether it was really warranted or not. It's like I look for some kind of validation, to show I am not a horrible person or monster that I lead myself to believe, but acting as if I am would automatically make me one by comparison.

As I lay down with my eyes close, listening to the cars on the road, I begin to think about all my past mistakes. I started remembering getting caught cheating in the second grade for a math test I didn't study for, people I didn't give proper respect to in the past, relationships that ended horribly due to unclear intentions on both sides, and all the times I shied away from truly speaking up for myself. Opportunities that I passed up because I believed I wasn't capable, and getting stuck in jobs and professions that would always take advantage of my work ethic which drove me to the point of severe burn out. The people that I hurt due to my inconsistencies, and sins I committed in secret, and the people I pushed away in fear that if they really get to know me, they would judge me, fear me, not want to be associated with me anymore. I always showed my true nature to people, and people respected me for who I really was, but I was always warried or concerned if they were there out of respect or pity. Over time I developed secrets that I kept from people, becoming more reserved, in order not to feel hurt when they eventually left me. There were only a few individuals, very few, who knew just about anything, and I always feared the day in which they left. That day had come, and now I have no one I could really confine anything in. All because of one mistake, one addictive, dreadful mistake and secret which I always regretted ever committing or going back to. Tears starting rolling down my cheek, as I continued calling myself awful, horrible names which I will not mention here. I am learning to try to be more forgiving of myself, and to acknowledge that I do not represent the past self I was. I will be better. I have to be better. Other wise, I won't know what I would be capable of doing at all.

I open my eyes now. The moment in which I was waiting for had finally arrived. Still laying down, I looked to my side, as the train rushing past me, about five feet away from where I was laying. I watched it zipped past me, going towards whatever destination it was heading to. Then it was gone, moving forward on its trip to where it needed to be. Not looking back. I wiped the tear off my face, and got up. I brushed off the grass and seeds that were sticking to my jeans and headed back to my car. I was sober enough to drive home.