[right][code]Thursday 14th December[/code][/right]
Casey loved every bit of Trisha indeed. But fatigue happened to everyone, and no one man was immune to it. In truth, he didn’t want to feel like it was affecting him. But as the days dragged on more and more, he missed solitude. Missed being alone. She was wonderful to have there, of course, for all the affection and the willingness to sit and listen to him and his problems without even the slightest hesitation. She was utterly selfless in that regard, and he appreciated every moment that she gave him.

Things came to him regardless. People needing him for something or another, which pulled them away from each other in brief moments. But that wasn’t solitude. That wasn’t time to himself, to do things like fiddle and fuss with something, or give quiet contemplation to the ghosts in his heart. Before, he could take off. Three, four, ten days in the woods up North. A picnic table, a secluded camp ground… Plenty of liquid bread. Anywhere he was could be a workshop, depending on the equipment he brought. And he would simply exist, without any pressure or necessary presence given to the periphery. 

Nowadays, it felt like there was more of an obligation than ever to be present at home. To be there to give himself up to whoever needed him. Especially Trisha… Even if she said she was trying to get better, he knew it would take time. Probably better than she did, even. Except, to keep going over it… That was the problem that was slowly seeping into his mind. That she wouldn’t, or couldn’t, accept the permanence of his affection or the status of their situation. He was well aware that things changed on a constant basis, and that nothing was truly permanent, but it really hadn’t been that long.
Having spent no time dating, he didn’t understand how someone else could give her such a short time. As if they didn’t want to know her, or just didn’t care… He didn’t understand even a little bit. In his mind, a relationship was a relationship; and he had no intention of being the one to walk away.

Good for Trisha, of course, because she hated to see people walk away. But, Casey in turn hated that it felt like the option wasn’t even there. Not to take a break, not to spend some time away from one another… But it was so important, because he knew intrinsically in his heart that he’d long for her in a far deeper fashion with that separation between them. 

But why was all this swimming around in his head? Trisha’s gentle breathing, the tell that she was actually asleep. Yet, with her practically on top of him, and the way their couch was situated in the room, he couldn’t get away. He wanted it desperately, to not waste the time he could be spending actually in solitude working on something, and to just get back out, even into the outer part of the house… The laptop with the program for the beequipment was out there. He could go, he could do something. Instead, another episode of Detective Rombo filled his cold, dead eyes as he found himself stuck more and more in an anxious spiral.

So the only thing left was magic. He’d already done some enchanting on the comfy couch, but this one would be difficult to pull off without ruining it entirely. Still, worth a shot. Orange and White Lux both rippled through the fabric, eventually hitting the metal structure and not doing much of anything until Casey gave the signal. Then, Casey held his breath, and slowly but surely began to sink into the couch like quicksand. On top of him, Trisha’s body slowly and gently lowered as he fell further and further in, until his entire body was subsumed by the cloth cushions. 
They only bounced and jiggled slightly as he passed them entirely, his weight no longer affecting them.

This was a strange spell that he’d learned to use on tanks and other machines where one had to fix things in nigh inaccessible places. Orange Lux enchanted the behavior of the material, affecting it to become semi-permiable to magical entities. The more weight placed on the material, the easier it was to slip through. At the same time, his White Lux was able to guard the magical properties of the spell, linking them to his body directly so that the spell would only work for him. Therefore, he sunk slowly, and Trisha remained laying in exactly the same spot she’d been in, hopefully none-the-wiser as Casey belly crawled out of the bottom of the couch and across the floor of the apartment toward the door.

Once he was in the hall, he was more happy and willing to stand and walk, his feet bringing him not but ten feet to the sleeping bee-colored laptop. Having escaped the anxiety spiral only slightly, now he was thinking about how upset Trisha may get if she woke up now and found him out here. It hadn’t been a terribly long time that she was snoozing, and he imagined her quiet fury at being abandoned. It was hard to not imagine that she was in some constant state of mental anguish, always pushing others’ questions away for fear of looking bad. Sure, he wanted her to be honest… But what if her full honesty revealed things he didn’t want to hear? Like she’d never get over her problems, or she’d always be as insecure as she was now.

What would he do? What [i]could[/i] he do? He loved her! There was no getting around that part, even Casey was sure of that. He wanted her to be in his life… But he wanted her to finally accept and understand that it was what he wanted, and so he wouldn’t betray her by walking away. He wanted her to be just as confident in his love as he was, so he could openly ask for time to himself without feeling like a torturer or a monster.

Opening the laptop and waking it up caused his cellphone to buzz on the counter. Gin, asking what he was doing up so early. He knew he had to answer, because if he didn’t, she’d assume someone else stole the laptop and totally lock him out of it without hesitating.

[code]C: Can’t sleep. Antsy.
G: Bummer, more ED?
C: Dick works fine.
G: Energy Drinks…….
C: I try and stay away.[/code]

Him abstaining from grabbing an energy drink from downstairs definitely had nothing to do with his heart already being strained from the anxiety. Yet, he was intent on sitting there and calibrating the little machines, their uplink to the dressing-box in the greenhouse allowing him to fiddle to his heart’s content. Amazingly, actually doing what he wanted to do helped the anxiety a tremendous amount, so by the time the sun was really shining on St. Portwell, he was fine again. Ready for another day with Trisha, and to get the second part of their intended prep work done.

Normally, for the first couple of hours after she drifted off Trisha was an incredibly light sleeper. Easily disturbed, as if her body understood her anxiety and only felt safe to fall into a deeper sleep after hours of nothing happening. It was only major things that stopped her drifting back off- Casey moving during the night was never a problem, whereas straight up leaving would be. 

But thankfully for him, the magic and knowledge transfer had drained her body and mind enough that she instantly fell into a deep, undisturbable sleep. As he left she barely reacted, body so exhausted that it wasn't going to let her escape the pull of sleep until she rested as much as she needed. 

It wasn't until the sunlight hit her that things changed, the deep, black sleep shifting into something more restless. Dreams… Nightmares. It was all fragmented, shifting between nightmare scenario to nightmare scenario. Monsters, horrendous shadows, and people she almost recognised attacking them. Every time, she could barely do anything. And he would step in to protect her, before dying right in front of her. 

She woke up in a panic, quick, harsh breathing only getting worse when she didn't feel any immediate warmth. Her eyes shot open to… Nothing. An empty couch. No Casey. It only made her panic more, enough that the bees that slipped into the room in his absence swarmed her. 

Casey waking up and leaving before her wasn't unusual. He had to get up insanely early for work all the time… But he wasn't doing that today. They were doing more training! So where had he gone? Had something happened? Was he called to something dangerous, or had he just chosen to leave because- 

The first sign of life from the Den wasn't Trisha herself, but a gentle buzzing from a bee that had crawled under the door. Except as it made its way towards Casey its flight was strangely erratic, and it bumped right into his face rather than landing like normal. It was like a drone controlled by someone who had no idea what they were doing. But after it bumped into him, it shifted to more normal bee behaviour, landing on his shoulder and crawling around. 

Trisha hadn't wanted to go out herself. Because if she did and he wasn't there, she'd just crawl right back into the Den and curl up in a ball of anxiety. It was better to assume the worst and not leave, checking with a bee rather than herself. But he was just outside… He hadn't left, and he wasn't dead. 

It took another five minutes before Trisha emerged, spending enough time to calm herself down so there were no obvious tells that she'd woken up panicking. The bees no longer clung to her and she was breathing as normally as she ever did. He shouldn't be able to tell. 

Just like the bee, she immediately moved towards Casey, a sleep shuffle with her arms already outstretched towards him. Though waking from the nightmare had made her more alert than she'd normally be this early, the early heavy sleep still clung to make her even softer.
[color=d1b300]“Morning, my love… When did you wake up?"[/color]

The quiet had gone on too long, clearly. He did his best not to grimace when he looked down at the clock and realized it’d been four hours. It felt like four minutes, and made him want to weep. He was so used to isolation, long strings of quiet that weren’t broken by routine things like this. Like her… Something was going wrong with his brain, and he couldn’t even begin to unpack it to make any fixes. Was it anxiety over what was coming that made him feel this sudden pull? The call of the wild?

[color=577d06]”Oh,-”[/color] he looked at the clock on the computer as if he didn’t know what time it was.
[color=577d06]”-forty-five minutes or so.”[/color]

The lie left his lips as easily as the breath from his lungs. He should’ve been incredibly ashamed of himself. Something so fucking simple… But how could he tell her he wanted to be away? How could he [i]ever[/i] say that to someone who had been through everything she’d been through in her life. He couldn’t leave, and he could [i]never[/i] let her know that he did anything close on purpose. 
The arbitrary amount of time at that point was just to minimize whatever residual she may’ve felt from not waking up with him. They’d talked about that a couple times… That both of them slept better with one another.

But what if he didn’t want to sleep? He was stuck in bed for eight hours? Did he have to devise a way to bring his workshop into their room without waking her? She’d probably let him even if he didn’t devise some kind of mute button. Just to have him there… His arm closest to her opened up, wrapping around her and squeezing tightly. At least when she was animated, he could really feel her with his whole existence. Mind and body both. Warmth radiated, and the lie came out even easier once the initial pitch flew.

[color=577d06]”I figured, ‘It’s getting light and you’ll be up soon.’, so I’d do some work with the targeting systems.”[/color] he spoke calmly, hoping she didn’t see the first set of coffee grinds in the trash, or assumed that he hadn’t had the time to drink two pots.

[color=d1b300]“Mm, that makes sense.”[/color] Trisha responded surprisingly easily. Her focus was entirely on him, barely registering anything else around him. She hugged him tightly from the side, nuzzling into his neck and just breathing for a moment. She needed to really know that he was there to push away the lingering fears from her nightmare… But he was real. 

She didn’t really loosen up when she no longer felt just a couple of steps from panic, just pulling her head away from his shoulder to look at him. 

[color=d1b300]“The magic transfer must’ve really exhausted me… I slept really deeply. Normally I only sleep like that after days awake. I guess it was a good thing, because it isn’t lingering. I’m ready to test out the beequipment. I’m really looking forward to working on it together.”[/color] She continued sweetly. Though she said she was ready for the day of training, she wasn’t making any moves to detach. If anything, she was clinging to him more. 

That was something Casey could equally lock in on, at least… But he felt her tighter. Like a straight jacket. A noose. A suit tie… Not a noose. 

[color=577d06]”Good, I’m glad. ‘Cuz I’m having a rough morning. So, I’ll be following your lead. You want me to, uh… [i]Wait?[/i] For you to wake up a bit more?”[/color] he asked, free hand motioning toward the computer on the kitchen island that they were in front of.


[color=577d06]”There’s even training wheels built into it. Like, I noticed you were [i]probably[/i] controlling that lone bee a little while ago? It’s meant to help with stuff like that. The software, I mean, the stuff that connects the machines to you.”[/color]

Much easier to talk about something technical than deal with how badly he wanted to peel her off his torso and leap into the ceiling.

[color=d1b300]“Yeah, I’m not awake enough to do anything more complicated… It was surprisingly hard.”[/color] Trisha gently whined. 
[color=d1b300]“I didn’t think I had to control [i]everything[/i]. Even the flying… Felt like it would’ve been easier to send one out normally and figure out what they came back with. I guess if the software helps, it won’t be so bad, and I’ll get used to it.”[/color]

She furrowed her brow slightly, pulling her upper body back just slightly to look at him better, gaze soft and slightly concerned. She was still tired enough that she didn’t exactly want to jump right into training, but not that she’d just miss things he said… 
[color=d1b300]“What do you mean having a rough morning… Did something happen? Can I… help?”[/color]

[color=577d06]”I seem to be trapped in some kind of anxiety… I can’t think of a way for you to help right now, so, y’know, just… Do your best to keep it out of your mind and trust that if I think of a way for you to help, I’ll be sure to ask.”[/color] he said with an incredibly matter-of-fact tone in his voice. He could be honest like this… As long as she didn’t ask what the problem was specifically, and he didn’t have to tell her, he knew he’d be in the clear. 

[color=577d06]”I just wanted to make sure you know. We’ll be around one another all day, so I don’t want you getting worried that I may have a silly little attitude at some point. Okay, babe?”[/color]
His hand came to her face, rubbing her cheek before pinching it playfully and kissing her.

[color=577d06]”I’ll probably be okay when we’re working.”[/color]

Trisha nodded, though she still looked concerned. She wasn’t surprised that she couldn’t help… The only thing she ever had to offer was being there. If that wasn’t enough… Though she knew herself how anxiety didn’t just go away easily. Maybe she should push a little and ask what the actual problem was? Talking had helped her a little sometimes. But if he was worried he might have a bit of an attitude at some point, surely pushing would just make him get annoyed at her? She didn’t want that.

So she could only guess. Maybe it was after what happened yesterday, with the meat? Or just generally what was going to happen… That made the most sense. Maybe it was similar to what she’d been anxious about? Probably not… He’d be able to say if it was just worry she’d get hurt.

[color=d1b300]“Alright, if you’re sure. I’ll be right here all day so just ask.”[/color] She smiled warmly, tilting her head forward to chase after him after the kiss. Her nose gently rubbed against his. She was as close as she could be… If he couldn’t tell her what the problem was, she could only try help in the way she normally did. Being there, hugging him. Like he helped her.

[color=d1b300]“Just give me… Ten more minutes, then I’ll get ready and we can start if you think you’ll feel better working.”[/color] She hugged into him more, doing her best to suppress her selfish reluctance to let go even to get ready. Normally she’d like at least an hour to relax and cuddle and wake up, but she didn’t want to delay if he thought he’d feel okay when they got started. It wasn’t like they were going different places, and they could still hug while training. 

[color=d1b300]“I need to shower, but I’ll be quick… It’s not like the bathroom’s far away either. I need to figure out which bees are best to test it with too. I guess I can do that while you finish getting everything set up with the software?”[/color]

Knowing full well that he wanted her to take her time, Casey bolted his entire brain into a rigid state as he tried to figure out what the proper response was.


[color=577d06]”Yep.”[/color]

[i]Yep?[/i] Casey’d never [i]ever[/i] answered Trisha with just yep. It was far outside the box; so much in fact that even he furrowed his own eyebrow in spite of the slight pause stretching into an awkward stare at, into, and straight through Trisha’s skull. Like he wasn’t even there. And then it clicked. The entire last month? It’d just been a good month. He had them a lot more often these days, sure. But, not until now had he even really taken his condition into serious consideration. 

His mind instantly found the days before Halloween. He’d practically [i]just[/i] come back from a trip. It wasn’t a reactionary thing, where he’d feel his slumping attitude toward life and then run off into the woods until he cared about things again. That’s usually what he did on the come-up, after all; he had to be in a half way decent mood to bag the equipment and hike out like a man rather than a magician. With Casey, camping out could be the easiest thing in the world, but for him it was something special. Something worth more than zero effort, at least for himself. 

[color=577d06]”Orrrr, y’know, whatever you like best. Sure. We’re basically just gonna be looking at the computer here and stuff, that’s really all your bit that we’ve gotta do. But, shower and stuff. If it floats your boat.”[/color]

[color=577d06][i]Dude, what the fuck?[/i][/color]

It certainly wasn’t a better answer. Now he was headed toward potential anxiety territory for her, acting so weird.

[color=577d06]”I like you smelly.”[/color] 

Was [i]that[/i] better?

[color=577d06][i]God, I hope so, because that’s all there is in the tank right now.[/i][/color]

He managed a smile at least. It truly was all he could ask of himself. Anything else was just begging for open mental anguish. A ticking timebomb that he’d simply woken up with… Was it the small ceremony for the people they’d lost? There’d be a lot more of those before it ended, probably… To get used to war again? And at home? How could he bring her into that? But, she’d [i]prompted[/i] it! She wanted it! 

She didn’t know what the Hell she wanted, except for him. She wanted him, and he was well aware of that. And it was cool, and good, but now everything was different. Normal. Plain. Like the color was fading. He couldn’t let it. He couldn’t let it. He couldn’t let it. He started to leak tears looking down at her face.

Trisha’s steadily increasing anxiety at him acting strange shot right up into panic and concern when he started crying. 

Was he upset at her? Was there something she’d done, somehow? Was that why he was suddenly talking so… Monotonously? It was a non conversation, like he didn’t really want to talk at all. Like she’d experienced plenty of times before… But that could be [i]why[/i] he was crying. For all she was quick to self blame, she couldn’t find anything she’d done to cause that kind of reaction. 

It didn’t matter if it was somehow her fault or not. Even though panic gripped her, she couldn’t let herself fall into a full attack when Casey clearly wasn’t doing well. [i]Suppress, suppress, suppress[/i]. She had to concentrate on helping him. She couldn’t let her own issues take centre stage [i]again[/i]. She’d fucked up with that after Thanksgiving… She didn’t want to do that again.

[color=d1b300]“What’s wrong, Casey?”[/color] She asked as gently as she could, managing to sound as calm as she could under the circumstances. One hand moved up to try to wipe away his tears.  
[color=d1b300]“Why are you crying? Was it something you thought of or… I don’t know… Can I help?”[/color]

[color=577d06][i]It’s gotta be the fucking rain.[/i][/color]

Casey didn’t know where to put his hands. He created distance between them by sliding up off the chair and not exactly supporting her. One shot up to brush his hair back with an anguished look on his face as the other reached for her lower back in a completely reactionary fashion, as if he was catching a precious vase.

[color=577d06]”Listen to me: This month is going to be very fucking weird, okay? Because, well, I haven't really worked out all the kinks yet, and last month everything felt so good, y'know? And now, well, it's not! I'm not, like it just fucking happens, like you were down and stuff last month... And I was hoping that just being around you all the time would make that last forever, and it just fucking didn't, and it kinda hit me last night, all at once, y’know, that ‘Oh, wait, it’s all still there. And I am still a piece of shit.’ Because, I am, y’know? And life’s all a big fucking trick. And there’s nothing much I can do about that besides keep trying. So, now I’ve gotta try even fucking harder, and we’re doing this thing for you to protect yourself and make you more efficient even with minimal control of your bees… And they [i]smell you[/i] don’t they? Like- Listen, that’s not the point, this is not your fault, this isn’t you, Trisha I swear to God, I’m not- I’m not leaving, I’m not… I love you. I love you, and I’m sorry, and I’m a fucker, and it’s fine! It’s fine, right? Because, y’know, you’re… My fiance. And you’ll be here right?”[/color]

The dam burst somewhere in the middle, where he’d begun to get incoherent not only in his ramblings, but in a constant shuddering breath as he tried to gather his thoughts into a proper organized fashion without blowing her mind completely. He knew reminding her that he wasn’t going to leave was good. She’d like that. But would she believe him?

[color=e0c4ff][i]”You are an absolute pile of hypocritical filth Caseau!”[/i][/color]
[color=de3b1b][i]”And I trusted you! We love you! How can you possibly fucking do this to us!? Love no more! It’s finished! I hope that apartment burns the fuck down and the windows blow out!”[/i][/color]

[color=577d06]”G-god they hate me so fucking badlyyyyyyyyyyyy-”[/color] he broke off into a terrible sob.
[color=577d06]”-c-called me a m-motherkilling fuck! B-but I… I l-love them!”[/color]

[color=577d06][i]Right… No more booze.[/i][/color] 

The space between play and work, and time to think about things in the background. Amazingly, he didn’t even think of alcohol as the first option to get away from these bipolar bouts.. Too much discipline. Only on the special occasion would he ever give himself to that… Because he totally lost himself in the drink. But, he could see the signs. He’d been on his way down since they had to kill that assassin. 

His first Sergeant in the Legion had called him a well-moulded skipping stone. Back then, he’d been on the bounce. Always ready for the next thing, and the next. Now, it was more like he was good at skating just above the line he had to. But all stones skipped wind up sinking…

Trisha’s breath hitched as she tried to process everything that was going on. Who hated him? It must be Clarissa and Furio… Who else would call him that? Was that the reason for all of this? What they’d said?

No, no, it was clearly more than that. A PTSD thing? A bad period like hers… Which was fine! She could help him through it or just be there for him like he’d been for her. But why was he asking if she’d be there? Where else would she go? Why was he saying about [i]not leaving[/i]? Nothing he’d said before implied that happening- it was something she was always worried about, but he hadn’t said anything to activate it… Until that. Because why else would he be saying he wasn’t leaving? Only if he was thinking about it, right?!

[color=d1b300]“It’s difficult with them, Casey, but you don’t deserve their hate… They’re the ones who don’t want something more reasonable. Them and Lynette! It’s not your fault.”[/color] She shook her head. As she spoke she closed the distance he’d made between them, trying to hug him in the hope it would offer some comfort.

[color=577d06]”Ohhhh, who [i]gives a fuck!?[/i]”[/color] he groaned loudly as she hugged tightly to him. He didn’t fight it, but he wasn’t exactly hugging back either. His breath was still ragged as he tried to clear his throat.

[color=577d06]”She’s dead already for all she cares! She’s got a fuckin’ plan! And now all I can do is keep fucking going! But, she’s fucking [i]evil![/i] Like comic book evil, and that’s my fucking legacy! And now here you are… [i]Look at you![/i] Because people are fucking shallow, you’re stuck with some fuck like me!? Like [i]me!?[/i] You’re gorgeous, and people take that and think there’s nothing more, and they fucking treated you that way, and now you’re fucking [i]here!?[/i] Complicit in all this, like it’s some fucking cauldron we’re standing over!?”[/color]

He scooped under her arms, like she was a toy, and plucked her from the ground to bring her to the bathroom door.

[color=577d06]”I can’t turn my back on you… So p-please, take your shower now! And-and, I swear to God! By the time you come b-back out, I’ll be alright! Alright?”[/color] he asked in absolute shambles as he let her feet gently touch the threshold of the bathroom door.

[color=d1b300]“What- No? It’s not alright… How am I supposed to shower and leave you like this?”[/color] She did her best not to raise her voice even as it hitched with panic. That he was just going to suffer alone, and he was… pushing her away? 

How was that fair, when he forced himself through all of her walls? Why wasn’t she allowed to have issues without really explaining them, but he could? She really didn’t want to get annoyed, so she concentrated on her concern for him. Because there was no way she could just walk into the bathroom and not spend every minute worrying about him. She wasn’t heartless. She loved him! She wasn’t going to think any different of him just because of how he was acting, just like how he dealt with her issues.

[color=d1b300]“I’m not stuck with you, Casey. I love you, even if your mother’s evil, and when you’re suffering. I want to be with you. I don’t care about anything else! You’re amazing… Even when you’re struggling so much you’re still thinking about me. I can’t just leave you alone… Because you’re not really going to be alright, are you?”[/color]

As she stared at him, another thought formed from the panic she was trying to not let overshadow helping him. He wasn’t just worried about how she’d feel about him, was he? He’d stepped away, he was trying to make her shower instead of just talking about it, he-
[color=d1b300]“You don’t want me here.”[/color]

[color=577d06][i]Oh no.[/i][/color]

Accurately, Casey predicted his own fate. Maybe there was prescience in that blood after all… Or, he was a master at driving himself headlong into a wall. 

[color=577d06]”Do I need to explain it to you? You really [i]really[/i] want that? After last month and everything? You can’t just fucking trust me, that I’m gonna do what I say? See, this- This is exactly-”[/color]

He was still [i]in tears[/i] all the while, as if the single accusation drove him into a corner. It was exactly [i]why[/i] he felt like he was a piece of shit. Because he felt a million different things at that moment. He tried his absolute hardest to do what he could…

Tried so hard, that he too gave Trisha the chance to have her own experience with a Wildcasting Adept. For Casey to break the discipline he’d placed upon himself with [i]any[/i] kind of spell was something that would only happen under incredible duress. The truth was, those million different things he was feeling were all crashing down. Down to the rubble of a base in the jungle. The bloody dunes. The ruins of beautiful countrysides. Bones, blood, death. Love for this woman who managed to sneak her way into his life like a knife between his ribs, and the pain of not knowing how to conduct himself properly beyond that point. 

And then his eyes just… [i]Became ice.[/i] Not in the sense that they were cold, or that he looked at her with hatred. White Lux pooled and bubbled into his iris, and into the pupil that formed the eye of the storm forming. He struggled desperately for fractions of a second to grasp even the slightest hint of what the [i]optimal[/i] future was. But it was never natural for him. A second or two, maybe… 

This was one of his Mother’s spells. He had to stop talking because his teeth were starting to chatter out of his head as the magic ran up from the stalks that ran into his brain, down his spinal cord, and into his heart. [i]And he tried his absolute hardest to do what he could.[/i]

[color=577d06]”-what the- I ss-s-a-”[/color]

May as well have been a magical stroke. Both legs went a little limp around the same time he stopped feeling his head attached to his neck. If he’d had his channeler on hand, he would’ve probably been fine, but this wasn’t a spell to play around with. He dropped to his knees, and with the last bit of sanity he had, tried his best to ward Trisha off a few more feet as two pots worth of coffee splashed out of him all at once. A few good heaves was all it took… But at least the spell stopped.

Only for him to become immediately angry about this happening… Embarrassed, really.

[color=577d06]”Aaaaugh… Fucking- Please! Get a towel!”[/color] he growled, the hand that had warded her off now waiting for a towel expectantly.

Trisha reactively flinched, but she actually did what he said, walking backwards into the bathroom to grab a towel without taking her eyes off him. It wasn’t because she was scared of him. How he asked- ordered, more- only made her feel more antsy and panicked. The fight reaction was starting to push his way through. The towel was shoved into his hand without much care.

But she was still more worried about him than anything. He’d fallen down and thrown up again! He’d… He’d cast a spell, hadn’t he? Was it why he’d thrown up? It had to mean. Did that mean he’d… Wildcast?

[color=d1b300]“Did you try to wildcast, Casey?!”[/color] She tried not to make it sound like an accusation. She wasn’t trying to attack him, she was worried. But she was panicking. All of this happened because he didn’t… want to be with her? No, he didn’t want to [i]talk[/i] to her because he didn’t want to deal with how she reacted. 

[color=d1b300]“Are you- How hurt are you?!”[/color]

She had no idea what he’d actually cast so she could only guess. Some way to force her to leave him alone? Was that even possible… Or to immediately end the conversation? The more she thought about it, the more she spiralled. 

[color=d1b300]“[i]Why?[/i] Because you don’t want to tell me how you feel? You hate dealing with me so much you need to hurt yourself to get out of it? This whole time I’ve been trying to help and you’ve just been hoping my anxiety will act up enough that I’ll guess you don’t want me around? Then when I do, you [i]wildcast[/i]?”[/color] No, no, she shouldn’t throw that in his face. She shouldn’t expect him to react a certain way because she was helping. 

But she was upset now too. Especially with what he said before he tried to cast a spell. It hurt that he felt the way he did, but it also hurt he didn’t even want to try and tell her. So much for honesty. And she knew exactly why. Because he was worried about how she’d react and panic… Which she would. But she could’ve gotten through it! Maybe!

Casey could only mop up stomach acid and coffee while he sat and listened to her go on and on. Because he’d done his absolute best to avoid this! But now here it was in their faces, and he was just proven worse and worse by every word she spoke.

[color=577d06]”Did I not just get done [i]fucking begging[/i] for a little leneancy!? Like you even told me about anything that was eating you up a month ago? Where do you even get off assuming that I [i]hate dealing with you[/i]? Like this is your fucking problem? Like it’s you? When I [i]fucking told you[/i] that it wasn’t you? Because you don’t trust me, you can’t just take my word when I give it to you?”[/color]

The towel was soaked. His hair was soaked in tears and the coffee it had been dragged through, and he looked up at her finally with those big blue eyes again. And they were full of pain.

[color=577d06]”I… [i]Get[/i] what’s wrong. With you. [i]Why[/i] you don’t trust me… But how could you [i]ever[/i] understand the things I’ve fucking done? What I’ve seen? Nightmares, sure. Terror. But I’ve killed [i]friends.[/i] People have looked me in the [i]face[/i] and told me we were [i]brothers[/i]. People I’ve drank with, people I’ve cared for.  And I fucking [i]killed them.[/i] And there’s just more to fucking come… But you wanna ask me if I don’t want you around? When I’m here, trying to see the future to know what the best answer to give to you is? So that we can end this stupid fight? Because it’s stupid! Because we’re both keyed the fuck up, and rather than try and relax, I’m… Fucking being stupid!”[/color]

Trisha was trying her best not to cry as he hit her with more and more. She was succeeding, for the most part… Good at holding them back if she really wanted to. But her eyes were still watery even if they didn’t start leaking. 

She wasn’t trying to make it about herself! And she wasn’t trying to understand it… She was just trying to help. Of course she couldn’t understand it. So of course he wouldn’t want to talk to her about it. It made sense, really… All of her problems were mundane enough for him to understand. His were worse than that, clearly. It was why she had to open up more and he didn’t. 

She couldn’t understand, so she couldn’t help, so he’d get worse if she kept trying. It didn’t really matter how she felt… That she didn’t want him to wildcast to get some perfect answer. She didn’t want to fight. She didn’t feel like she’d been starting it… He was the one who’d been acting in a way that made her even think he didn’t want her around. Was she supposed to just keep it inside and get more anxious? Wasn’t that the opposite of what he kept telling her to do?!

[color=d1b300]“I don’t think it’s me, Casey. I think you’re doing badly because of something else… And you don’t want me here. Because you didn’t deny it. You tried to find the best answer- But you didn’t even want to be honest in the first place.”[/color] She spoke surprisingly calmly. Coldly… Like she’d suddenly detached. 

If he wanted to end the fight, they could end the fight. If he didn’t want to talk, they didn’t have to talk. She’d stop. It wasn’t the first time he’d shut her down, after all. There was no point in hurting him more.

She was still upset and annoyed, but for once she could recognise that if she kept snapping at him it would make things worse. Not that she was having a healthy response by completely suppressing everything. But it was better that way. It wouldn’t last, but it would give him a break, at least. While he was dealing with so much. 

[color=d1b300]“You’re right that I can’t understand, even if I try. I wanted to help, but I should’ve done what you wanted and just taken a shower. I won’t argue anymore. No more stupid fight.”[/color]

[color=577d06]”No, Trisha. No more stupid fight right now. Just, what… Long, awkward silence where you pretend to be fine for my sake? I brought it up, right? It’s all my fucking fault, right? So, come on, you wanna say something again about how I’m not a piece of shit? Do you still believe yourself?”[/color]

The towel was soaked. He was gross.

[color=577d06]”Go on! Turn around, I’ll follow you. M-may as well have this argument in the shower now, since we both n-need one! Right?”[/color] his free hand waved her on toward the shower.
[color=577d06]”Maybe that [i]was[/i] the perfect option! How’ll you ever know if you act like that?”[/color] 

[i]Humor?[/i]

[color=577d06][i]Fight’s done.[/i][/color]

Incredibly, Casey was trying to rally some kind of comeback. Or, maybe he was just reveling in the chance to be absurd. Truthfully, he [i]did[/i] feel a little better talking about it, but that was completely overshadowed by the fact of the matter… That he felt like an evil person for even considering wanting some free time… But he knew if he told her that, she’d get just like this. Defensive, and cagey. Ready because she probably assumed the next thing that was coming was a hasty retreat. 

But he believed in his feelings. He believed they were real… And looking down at her now [i]still made him want to try.[/i] Whether it was because really did want him to, or because he thought it was right to do, didn’t matter.

[color=577d06]”I said at the beginning of this… [i]This month is going to get weird.[/i] It’s going to be incredibly fucking difficult in some aspects… [i]I don’t want to burden you with everything![/i] Because it’s a lot, and because we’re trying our hardest to work on you, and I show you every fucking day that I love you! So, please, don’t be fucking [i]cold[/i] to me… And I’ll try and give you the same courtesy… Because I do love you, and no I don’t want to be away from you. And if you really [i]really[/i] want me to, I’ll lay it all down. Every single layer of it, Trisha… Because, I said before: [i]You’re my fiance. You’ll be here for it.[/i] If I’m asking you to trust me, you’re right. I have to trust you too.”[/color]

[color=d1b300]“Why didn’t you just say that? That you don’t want to be away from me? Why did you make it seem like you had something horrible to say, then try magic an answer?”[/color] Trisha sniffed, hands going up to rub her eyes. 

She didn’t move further into the bathroom like he told her to, because she didn’t know if he was being serious. She was confused. He wanted to stop fighting, then got upset when she tried to do that? Because she was cold to him? She wasn’t trying to be cold. She hadn’t been planning to be silent… Just suppress her own feelings to concentrate on him. Ignoring him wouldn’t exactly help there. Though he was right that she was going to pretend to be fine. 

It wasn’t really possible for her to just drag the emotions back up. But the coldness, a side effect of suppressing it all, slipped away as she looked at him. Still not quite crying, confused, lips scrunched up and body still tense. She wasn’t sure if this was still an argument. He didn’t seem to be trying to fight, even though he’d suggested they continue it in the shower. 

[color=d1b300]“I do trust you, Casey. I know it doesn’t seem like it… But I trust that what you show me is real and that you love me. I’m doing my best to fight through my anxiety so that trust wins. But how am I meant to when I don’t know what’s going on? [i]Going to get weird[/i] doesn’t explain anything. All I knew was that you were having a hard time, then you moved me to the bathroom when I tried to comfort you, and got upset when I stated what I thought. I’m not trying to blame you… But I want to know. It’s not fair if it’s all about working on me. That’s not how it works… I love you. I want to help you just like you want to help me, even if there’s nothing we can actually do.”[/color]

While the coldness was gone, she was still clearly quite detached. She normally wouldn’t talk so calmly in a situation like this. It wasn’t really emotional, beyond the gentle love for him that still managed to leak through everything.

The firm tone was one he could accept, as it brought them far closer in attitude toward one another. Equilibrium. But ultimately, what could he say to her in response? Everything she said was right. So how could he ever possibly tell her everything when she held feelings like those?

[color=577d06]”I… Want to be with you all the time. That’s why I’m mad. I’m mad at myself, because sometimes I wanna be alone, but then, I’ve either gotta go do something, or I’m here and I’m with you doing something. And I love that you really want to be around me like that. It’s why even imagining asking for a bit of personal time makes me feel like an evil prick.”[/color]

His face turned downwards, breath becoming a bit more ragged as he got closer to the truth.

[color=577d06]”I’m upset for [i]wanting[/i] that personal space to begin with. Because another part of me knows you’re one of the only people I don’t get annoyed by regularly. And I love you! And of course, you should always want to be with that person… So, I’m a piece of shit. And I made it worse, not better.”[/color] he simpered, bottom lip quivering in shame.

Trisha sniffed, trying not to reactively let tears actually start to fall. Of course for someone with her doubts and anxieties it was difficult to hear… But more than that, she felt bad. So bad because he’d been beating himself up over something that was relatively normal to want. Just because she never felt that way with a partner didn’t mean she had no understanding of it. She had friends who needed alone time like that too, from anyone. 

But he didn’t want to ask because of her and her issues. She would have panicked. She could feel it building in her chest now. But it was a panic that she could have tried to get through. It wasn’t fair for him to make all those sacrifices for her, after all. 

[color=d1b300]“You’re not a piece of shit. It’s normal to want personal time, I think… Even if it wasn’t, you’re not an asshole for having wants. Even if it clashes with mine and makes me anxious.”[/color] She still wasn’t talking like someone who was a couple of steps away from properly panicking now. Sometimes self suppression really worked… And she didn’t want to make him feel even worse. Or prove that she had to be constantly taken care of. 

[color=d1b300]“I… don’t want to pretend that it’s easy to hear. I want to spend all my time with you and hearing that you don’t is hard. It makes me worried… But I know that’s not rational, right? It’s not fair for you to just prioritise me all the time. That’s not how it's meant to happen. And… I know it’s so hypocritical of me to say this… but I can’t get better if we pander to my anxiety like that.”[/color] Though she could only say something like that because she was, hypocritically, trying to completely prioritise Casey over herself and holding off the expected panic. 

It was enough to be logical, even if it didn’t change the anxiety she actually felt. She [i]did[/i] have to get over that kind of anxiety. She couldn’t expect him to be around her all the time, even if him not wanting to felt like a slippery slope towards him never wanting to be there… but that wasn’t it, it really wasn’t. 

[color=d1b300]“I’m sorry that I made you feel like you can’t tell me!”[/color]

Casey’s face had gone from frustrated to sad again, and then to nothing more than a sombre stare toward the floor. She was yessing him to death. And even if she wasn’t, it’s what he felt. Every bit of her bridled anxiety. All his fault.

[color=577d06]”But, all last month… It was good. I [i]felt[/i] good. Then, [i]them[/i]. The booze. Yesterday with the arms. Last night I never fell asleep. I sat there with you on top of me, and my heart started racing… I started getting really antsy. About how if I tried to leave, you’d wake up. And if I lied to you about having to go work, I may as well just go work. But, I didn’t want to. I wanted you to keep sleeping, and not worry about it and be fine. Because knowing that if you woke up, and I just told you to go back to sleep, you’d get the same feeling you have now. So I snuck out, and I just sat here, and drank coffee, and messed with the bee program… Because I wanted to, because even if it isn’t being with you directly, it’s still [i]for[/i] you. And it just got worse, ‘cuz I’ve been out here for hours now…”[/color]

He admitted it. He wasn’t great at maintaining a lie… But she was just going to freak out more anyway… He strained to stop himself from ripping the bandage off.

[color=577d06]”I’m a piece of shit for making it your fault. When I still told you, it [i]isn’t[/i]”[/color]

[color=d1b300]“Maybe it isn’t my fault you feel that way, but it’s my fault you didn’t just ask.”[/color] Trisha responded as evenly as she could, arms wrapping around herself tightly. She was still trying her best to not visibly panic, even though he clearly knew. It was impossible for her to really hide, especially from him. It was getting more difficult to breathe as her own guilt weighed down on her.

It really wasn’t fair that her feelings just took precedence. And that just made [i]her[/i] feel worse. That her severe anxiety affected him that much. He was just suffering through it… Most people would have just left by now! She was glad it hadn’t been enough for that yet, but that didn’t make it alright. It didn't stop her from being a problem even if she wasn’t selfish enough to [I]want[/I] him to ignore all of his own shit and try for her. She loved him too much. 

She was upset that he lied to her, especially when she was trying so hard to be honest. But it reflected right back onto herself… He lied because he felt that telling her would make her panic, and he didn’t want that. It didn’t matter to her that the actual problem wasn’t her fault. He was actively stopping himself from doing something that might help because of her. 

[color=d1b300]“You should feel like you can get out of bed when you want… Because it upsets me that you force yourself too. It’s… I’ve been [i]trying[/i] so hard to be honest and not hide things, because you asked me not to, even though it terrifies me. But then you won’t even tell me something because you’re worried about me panicking, and then you lie, so it feels like you don’t trust me. That’s-”[/color] She took a deep breath. She didn’t want to get so upset at him again. She was trying to suppress that all, even if it was so difficult and the hysteria really started to leak out. He was being honest now. She shouldn't escalate things again towards another proper fight when he was actually talking about it, just because she was upset.

[color=d1b300]“I love you, Casey. I want you to tell me things like this and not just suffer through them.”[/color]

Casey heard what Trisha was saying and did his best not to continuously interrupt her with interjections and arguments that he felt would vindicate him in some way. He wanted to keep arguing the point for whatever reason. Wanted to make himself sound worse, because her trivializing all of it felt like a massive cop out.

Him going through the same process with her just felt natural. Like he was meant to be the good person who was able to talk people through this stuff logically, because he was the one who knew better. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. His entire position was built on that feeling; of being the one in the driver’s seat, guiding the sheep along the shepherd's path… And she was supposed to be the one he was guiding.

How could he? She wouldn’t respect him now… Not after this. Now he mentally prepared for a life spent never living this down. It was painful, it was frustrating, and most importantly, it was entirely self perceived.
And those perceptions are ultimate. One does not easily look past the reality they create in their own world for the objectivity that lies without.

[color=577d06]”Sorry I’m such a hypocrite. I do things for everyone… Things to make people’s lives easier. I just feel like I should do my absolute best to minimize the bouts of stress in your life… I want you happy…”[/color]

Trisha frowned as she looked at him, arms tightening around herself as if that would somehow make her less tense. Did he really not trust her? He felt she was that unreliable that he could never lean on her? She understood… Because it was probably true. She cracked under pressure. But she wanted to try. 

They were going to be together forever, hopefully… She wanted to be able to look after him just like he did her. Needed to be able to. 

[color=d1b300]“I [I]am[/I] happy, Casey. Not all the time- But I'm happier than I've ever been. If this is you when you're bad, then that won't change."[/color] It maybe wasn't entirely true. Or at least, it was based on the low standards she had for her life and terrible expectations built from past partners. If they don't shout in your face or try hit you, they're great… 

But this was something she could cope with. Nobody was ever going to be perfect… Even if she struggled with his want to be alone, because it triggered her anxieties, it didn't mean she wasn't overall happy. But if he kept trying to push her away and stop her from helping… then it might change and get more difficult… 

[color=d1b300]“You should be able to rely on me. I'm not everyone, I'm your fiance. You already said it… that I'll be [I]here for it[/I]. I'm here to support you- not to just be one sidedly cared for! I don't want you to push me away with excuses like ‘I’ll be alright after you shower’ just to minimise it affecting me."[/color]

[color=577d06]”Well, to be fair… I wouldn’t call the last part an excuse. I was serious. Like, we’re both adults, right? If we can’t put aside our own emotions to get shit done, we’ve got more work to do. I could’ve done that, and we could’ve avoided this argument. But, you wanted to ask questions, so I never got the chance to even [i]try[/i].”[/color] Casey replied with a bit of a whine.

In truth, he felt like he could’ve buried it. For her? He already knew he could do anything. But just like he said, she never really gave him the chance to try. Just pushed back. Maybe that kind of comment would be more of a salt rub, as it implied he had given her the chance too… He hadn’t, really. But he also couldn’t see why she wanted to clam up. There wasn’t anything about her that he thought was terrible…

[color=577d06]”I can actually hide the emotions I'm feeling… They don’t crawl out and live on my face usually if I have a little prep time. I just… Got caught off guard, y’know?”[/color]

Trisha flinched back, feeling like she'd been slapped in the face by his words. It took all of her willpower to not explode in response and escalate it right back into a fight. They were so targeted.

She could hide it too if she was given the time to but he never let her. She wasn't allowed to try. He always pushed, or dragged it out with magic… and she was beginning to accept it was maybe better that way. But it wasn't really fair she always had to drag it up, and when she tried to do the same with him it got thrown in her face. Because she asked questions and started a fight. 

He was saying he could do everything she couldn't. He could hide it, he could put aside his emotions, he wasn't reactive and resentful. She knew that, but he didn't need to point it out like that. She was the problem. Always the problem. It hurt a lot, her panicked self hatred easily latching onto what she perceived as blame in his words.

With the angry response buried, there was a sarcastic one on the tip of her tongue. [color=d1b300][I]Well I'm sorry for caring.[/I][/color] She couldn't say that. She didn't want to ruin things anymore than she already had. Because like he said, everything would be fine if she just left it. 

Not that she really believed that. 

[color=d1b300]“I don't think you could've. Not [I]fully[/I]. You had time! I sent out a bee first… It would come out eventually."[/color] Trisha's face scrunched up, trying to figure out how to say what she wanted to without sounding hypocritical. That holding it in meant it was worse when it came out, even though it was what she always did… she couldn't say shit like that. It was easier to keep suppressing and go along with it, just deal with the panic attacks it caused her down the line.

[color=d1b300]“If that's what you really want, Casey, then that's fine. I won't ask anymore. You can try your best to hide it… Even though I don't think you [I]can[/I] without me noticing."[/color] Not without becoming an emotionless robot. That would just be worse. 
[color=d1b300]“If you really think that's better, I won't argue anymore. I want you to [I]want[/I] to talk to me, anyway. How much time do you need? You can shower first, I can go sit in the Den until you're ready."[/color]

Casey closed his eyes, fingers raising up to grip the bridge of his nose in frustration. This was why he didn’t want to be around anyone. Say things to one end, you’re cold and uncaring, or cruel and callous. Go too far in the other direction, the retaliation becomes spite… He didn’t want either of these situations. He just wanted his bubbly Trisha. Happy Trisha. Yet, here they were.

[color=577d06]”I want to talk. To you. That doesn’t mean that I think it’ll help me. It helps more to not have someone stressed out next to me [i]because[/i] I’m stressed. Like, what the fuck can I say in this moment? It’s ruined. The morning, the day, the week, month… Because I’m not strong enough to carry it all for one more day? Pathetic. I’m pathetic.”[/color]

Her escalation of implied action didn't help. It just made him feel worse, that suddenly because he was having problems, all of hers were somehow amplified. And he was being selfish. And still lying too… Lying about the severity, and her culpability in it. How could she ever believe him saying he didn’t want to leave if he told her that her constant clinging was frustrating? Or worse, how she made him feel like he wasn’t allowed to be his own man? 

He hadn’t quite bargained for someone who wanted so much of his time… And she wasn’t even awful about giving it to him, just that-

[color=577d06]”Every time I say I have to go somewhere that I can’t bring you, your face tells this whole story. Like you can see something in the future I can’t. Like somehow this is the time I won’t come back to you… Do you know how hard it is to do [i]anything[/i] that I think will hurt you for even a second? Have you ever actually [i]seen yourself?[/i] The way your eyes sink down, and your lip curls just enough to pout, but not so much that it's obvious? I feel like every time I need to leave, I’m killing you… God, I feel like I’m killing you as we speak! But, it’s all based on this totally untested theory that I’m just gonna fucking abandon you! But I don’t want that! I don’t, and that's why I literally started this by telling you that I [i]don’t want to leave you![/i]”[/color]

Getting closer to the truth was hard. Because the closer he got, the more it hinged on her getting over what he ultimately thought was a petty trauma. Probably because he didn’t have a life full of loss and rejection quite like Trisha. Or, because he’d had so much brutal loss, totally unable to seek and garner closure from those no longer with them. It was the same for her in that regard… The boy, and the subsequent guilty verdict without trial or sentencing.

[color=577d06]”If… You really want to try again, then turn and walk into the bathroom. Shower. Come back out, and I’ll show you that [i]I[/i] can do the same.”[/color] he finished simply, quietly bracing for the next Trisha tidal wave.

Trisha took a deep, shaky breath, her hands moving from gripping her sides to cover her face. At least then maybe he wouldn't feel guilty because of how she looked.

Everything he said made it feel like he just… Didn't understand. That just because he told her he didn't want to leave her right now didn't mean it wouldn't happen. She loved him and she was trying her best to trust him, but how could she fully when it had barely been more than a month? When every single other time she'd been left behind? It wasn't an untested theory for her. With Casey, yes, but as far as partners- even just people- in her life went… She couldn't just get over it. She'd told him! She'd told him that she might be like this forever!

And she couldn't stand there and talk about how she wasn't just worried about him choosing to leave, but him [I]dying[/I] too. Like her being with him all the time would somehow prevent that, instead of pushing him to do crazy things to protect her. The fear of losing his way was equal to him leaving normally now. 

[color=d1b300]“I’m sorry I can't just hide everything. I'm trying, I'm really trying! Do you know how much worse I would've been a month ago? Maybe I'm not dealing with it well, but I'm willing to try! If you told me you wanted to go be alone, I wouldn't stop you, I'd try my hardest to deal with it [I]until you came back[/I]. But I'm not just going to wake up one day and suddenly be fine. I [I]told[/I] you that it would take a long time… And that I might always be like this. And you proposed to me."[/color] 

Her shoulders shook a little bit, and she shuffled backwards so that she was actually in the bathroom. 
[color=d1b300]“I’ll get better at hiding it too, so it doesn't hurt you. Because I don't want to hurt you. And [I]obviously[/I] honesty isn't important anymore."[/color]

Fuck, she needed to stop before she got more mean. She didn't know how to de-escalate without leaving, but she didn't want to just turn around either. 
[color=d1b300]“It… doesn't matter, because obviously I'm not trying hard enough. I'll do better. Can you close the door for me? I don't want to make it any harder for you by showing you my face."[/color]

[color=577d06]”On what planet is acting like that helpful to either of us?”[/color] Casey asked with an incredibly flat tone.

He didn’t like where this was going, but every time he tried to explain himself, she took it to heart and started acting like he was jigging her with a rusty blade. 

[color=577d06]”Try closing it. I promise, it’ll only hurt as much as you let it.”[/color]
And then he turned away to walk back to the computer. Even such a small, relatively insignificant movement came with fresh implications for Trisha to chew on.

In reality, Casey was coming to the conclusion that the only way she’d really have a chance, was for him to truly not baby her. To take the risk that she’d leave, because he wasn’t really worth it… Because he was just a piece of shit. A rag for the military to stain. But he’d try when he could.

After all, part of the process of honesty was becoming comfortable enough to give it freely. They both had to go through that test…

Trisha watched him walk away through her fingers, trembling. She couldn't hold back her tears anymore, but at least he couldn't see anymore… She reached out to hastily pull the door closed, fumbling with it for a moment before it finally clicked shut. At least she didn't have the bandwidth to slam it, because it would just set off her panicking more. 

Her shower was a lot longer than she'd originally planned. She had to take the time to try and calm down herself… But it was difficult to stop panicking and crying when she felt like everything was falling apart. It wasn't, it really wasn't, he said he didn't want to leave her… But did he really still feel that way after she was being so difficult? He was the one having a hard time, and she'd only made it worse. She'd just wanted to help… She should've kept her mouth shut. She never made anything better. 

But she also knew herself well enough to know it would all come out eventually. She could only shut off for so long. If she could do it eternally, there were a few previous partners she might still be with- albeit unhappily. 

She loved Casey. Even when he was like this, she still loved him. She wanted to be with him more than anything. It was why her fears were so amplified, but why she also wanted him to lean on her too. 

For now, she'd do what he wanted. Let him have that time to be able to pretend he was fine. Hopefully he'd choose to come to her eventually, and she wouldn't deal with it as badly as she just had. 

In the end, it had been at least half an hour by the time she shuffled out in a towel. Standing in the shower so long did a good enough job of flushing her entire face, so the redness underneath her eyes from crying wasn't obvious. She didn't say anything as she made her way up to the loft to get changed, tying her damp hair into a messy bun and pulling on a simple tank top and cargo pants combination. Wearing a bit more than sweats helped her feel a bit less shaky at least, somehow. 

Even as she came back down, she was silent. In truth it wasn't that she was coldly ignoring him, she just didn't know what to say. She was nervous. She slipped past into their kitchen area, going into the fridge as quietly as she could. Like she was worried just making too much noise would be the wrong move. 

But then she was by his side again, slipping a plate of fruit on the counter beside the laptop. No watermelon or strawberries on it, just in case. She didn't move to hug him, too worried about the reaction, instead just standing there and fiddling with her ring.
[color=d1b300]“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have lashed out or tried to push you. I love you so… I just want to do what's best for you. So let's try again, please?"[/color]

Casey had spent most of the thirty minutes outside, screaming into the hood of his sweater that he enchanted to muffle him. That entire interaction had been totally outside of the realm he was comfortable with his life existing in. He wanted to be the person he preached about… Really, the hardest part was feeling all the little anxieties and knowing that, like any train moving at cruising speed, they couldn’t be stopped on a dime. Breaks had to be applied over time. It was a painful process for the machine… Friction, heat, pressure; it wasn’t a bad metaphor for a relationship.

But it didn’t make it less painful. How was he supposed to take care of things when [i]this[/i] is what he was leaving her with? What kind of truth did she want? 


[color=577d06][i]I don’t love you less. I love [b]everything[/b] less. You just get caught in it.[/i][/color]

It sounded horrible, but it was the truth. That life itself was grim, grey and agonizing. And it was his fault for letting her be sucked into it. She could’ve-
Well, if she [i]was[/i] suffering without him… Maybe this was a better kind of suffering? Maybe it mattered? Either way, twenty minutes passed before he realized, but she still hadn’t left the bathroom. So, when he came in, his first thought was to knock on the door. To check on her. To protect, like usual… But he’d just be protecting her from himself. How did that make any sense? She probably didn’t even want to talk to him to begin with now…

He made more coffee. Finished cleaning the mess in front of the bathroom door… Rinsed himself off in the kitchen sink with a now-wet towel. New shirt, new sweats- He’d managed to sit back down at the kitchen island just as she was leaving. Like he hadn’t gone anywhere…  He tried to give her a big smile as she came out, but she turned away too fast. Nervous, he assumed. Anxious like he was. How would he play it? Crowd her suddenly, and throw hypocrisy in her face? Or let her approach, and risk seeming cold? 

He wanted to crowd her. To act like a puppy who knew he was wrong for peeing on the floor, but could only lick its owner’s face in hopes for lenience. But this moment was as much about being honest for him as saving face was. So, taking that she hadn’t seen his smile at her, he took the chance to give it to her again. But, again, she walked past, moving to the fridge. He was gobsmacked until he realized she was cutting up some melon… And then she brought the plate, and started apologizing. How was he supposed to keep a straight face there? Was she goading him? He told her he had a plan, so he decided to stick with it… For better, or worse.

[color=577d06]”Uh… Well, I’m not sure what you mean, Babe.”[/color] he started, giving her a blank stare so as not to allow acknowledgement to creep into his expression.
[color=577d06]”But, if there were something you needed to apologize for, I’d accept it no matter what.”[/color]

Because, obviously, this hadn’t happened. That was the plan, right? To take the break, then act like their morning wasn’t ruined? He could do that. He could show her that he could do that. His hand reached out, pulling her close in an embrace that [i]felt[/i] normal, if not a little long-winded.

[color=577d06]”You slept alright? Ready to do a bunch of computer work?”[/color] he asked her, pulling away just enough to be able to look at her… Enough that when he smiled at her, she’d finally see it and not be able to escape it.

Trisha looked a little confused. She hadn't quite got that they were [I]completely[/I] ignoring what had happened. It was something she could go along with, even if it didn't reduce her anxiety one bit. But she was used to being in a constantly anxious state. If anything, the last month getting so comfortable with Casey was an exception. 

He was smiling at her, at least. She was struggling to accept it at face value, forcing down all the little voices whispering that it was just pretend. She should go along with it. And it wasn't quite hollow. It wasn't really one of those smiles that was just hiding the coldness underneath. She couldn't see anything bad in his eyes. 

She just nodded, turning to hug him back, trying her best to be normal about it too. There was still some nervous hesitation, but she wanted to be close to him more than she'd let that stop her. 

[color=d1b300]“Computer work is what I'm used to. I could do it for days… I bet it's the one thing I have more stamina for than you."[/color] She managed to lightly tease with a small smile. She didn't bother verbally answering the sleep question, figuring the nod was enough. She had until the nightmare, but she wasn't going to bring that up now. Especially when she wasn't actually just waking up. 

[color=d1b300]“Is it all on the computer? I assumed it'd involve doing more with the bees. Training them and such."[/color]

Casey smiled back, assuming that she was probably right about having more stamina for it. But, it was magical… So this specific circumstance may’ve been a bit of a trick when it came to her statement. Taking another piece of melon off the plate, he munched it down before some kind of knowing came to his eyes. Trisha would be able to see the spark of recognition.

[color=577d06]”I… I like that you cut my fruit up for me. Nobody else would do that.”[/color]

He wasn’t intentionally ignoring her statement, so much as he was lost in what he was thinking. The very first thing that came to his mind was how nice it was that she cared enough to do that. That it wasn’t just some silly peace offering, because she’d done it quite a few times at this point. He knew she’d do anything for him. And it mattered. And he needed her to know it mattered. Standing up, however, he waved his hand at the seat before guiding her into it.

[color=577d06]”Now, as far as training bees… They’ll need to learn how to get into the assignment box. Otherwise, it’s all about you and what you do on this computer. ‘Cuz-”[/color]

It was opened up to the main page of the software, which had different sections that were clearly for different aspects of the setup. But, in a bright yellow box, there was an enticing button that said “New Formation”. 

[color=577d06]”-the software is totally in control of the hardware. And there’s a couple different ways of going about this. For me, I can use it to do things like make sure all the guns work and are loaded, that the harnesses are all good to go, shit like that… But you’re the one programming shit. This computer has a sensor meant to pick up bee pheromones. Gin says it’s supposed to be super sensitive, and there’s a whole list of input commands just waiting for a corresponding marker. The harnesses themselves are able to reproduce the command, meaning that you can pre-make entire formations and battle plans utilizing your scent without you actually inputting the commands on the fly.”[/color]

Leaning over her, he opened a formation he’d created that had commands in it. They were all duds, obviously, as Trisha hadn’t attuned the system herself, but it gave a good example of what one of these formation documents actually looked like. It seemed to be like some kind of drone-control software, and was set up much like a drone-show software would be, or even a music editing software. A thousand harnesses were being edited with a programmed functionality; this one seeming to be meant to keep the bees at a not-zero aggression level while maintaining an organized phalanx-style gunwall. If each bee was equipped with a rifle, a thousand rifles could exist in a few square feet of devastation; but it was better to keep them relatively spread out. A hundred here, fifty there, each cluster marked for a particular distance away from the controller, a directional orientation, and everything else a mass-incursion of harrier jets would want.

They were effectively set up to be a defensive army surrounding “the controller”, which would ultimately end up being Trisha.

[color=577d06]”Now, I’m not a super good teacher when it comes to stuff like this. Gin’s always around, we can ask her how to do something… But, I kind of figured that you’d want to just, y’know, monkey around with the program before we went super hard into getting the bees themselves equipped…”[/color]

Telling her about all of this was far easier than telling her about how he’d struggled trying to get even that example together without asking anyone for help. He didn’t think he could deal with Gin’s extra prodding or joking around in that moment.

[color=d1b300]“Wow."[/color] Trisha breathed out, wide eyes switching to a squint as she leaned in to read the document. The interface itself didn't seem that difficult, especially as someone who was used to coding. It took her a bit longer to figure out what the example was meant to do, since she didn't really know military formations. She could picture what was written, but the actual setup and why took a little bit longer. 

[color=d1b300]“Mhm… It probably makes sense for me to play around and figure out which of the input commands I'll really need. It'll take a while to get them all registered."[/color] As she spoke she fiddled around, managing to find the pre-made list of commands. It was a lot, because they'd need to be strung together. She was sure she could adjust to put in more specific, longer commands, seeing as often her pheromones blended together in a way that made it difficult for her to parse out each individual bit. 

She'd have to try, though. 
[color=d1b300]“Most important first, I guess. I… Don't really know formations or battle plans. I always reacted in the moment to whatever was happening, so I'm not even sure where to start there. I guess your one’s a good start."[/color] She pointed to the screen with a smile. 
[color=d1b300]“I’ve never thought of placing them like that. I guess it would be quite hard for me to do in the moment… But I'll need a lot of help figuring out the actual plans, even if I can get them into the software myself. I guess that's why we'll be working together?"[/color] 

It was relatively easy to lose herself in the work. It was one thing she could do no matter her mood, aside from the depressive periods post university.

Casey nodded.
[color=577d06]”At first, I was a little confused too. Then I stopped thinking about the individual bees, or the whole group. Rather, pockets of them essentially equal people. So, you don’t treat a hundred bees like they’re a hundred bees. You cluster them up, and you treat them like, essentially, [i]a[/i] dude. A dude who's immune to, like, most forms of combat. Can’t punch the bees, can’t shoot the bees really. Can’t grab the bees- You’d need area of effect, essentially. Stuff that catches and blasts a bunch of bees at once. But, they’re pretty good about that too. We can make a protocol for splitting them up more and more.”[/color]

He’d mostly imagined what one could do with a squad of bodyguards if they could float, or become relatively invisible. There were plenty more chances and possibilities, however. Like good ambushes. A hive full of bees with automatic rifles just hanging out in a single tree was a horrifying prospect.

[color=577d06]”I figured we’d spend the time now just attuning the system like Gin told me to do. Which will probably be pretty good practice for you using active pheromones, right?”[/color]

Trisha laughed softly when Casey suggested treating them like people. It made sense for him, who was more used to commanding people like that… But for her it had always been the bees. Unless she went and read a bunch of books about war strategies that she then had to translate and implement, thinking about them as people didn't help her with what kind formations she needed. 

But what he was saying made sense when it came to the bees' uses. Most of their deaths in the past had come from large attacks. One or two getting caught by a hand was nothing. 

[color=d1b300]“Yeah, it'll be good practice. Might take me a few tries for the commands I don't use as often… I might need to test it first before putting it into the system. I don't want to use the wrong pheromone, and then have that used incorrectly in the future."[/color] She tilted her head, checking if her earlier panic attack had called any more bees into the house. Thankfully not, there only seemed to be a group of about fifty. 

[color=d1b300]“I’ll get a small group down so I can check each one. I think I closed the Den window, but I'm not sure. I don't want to accidentally call a whole swarm while inputting that kind of command… Again. At least if all the windows are closed they'll just swarm the glass."[/color]

As he was standing, it made the most sense for Casey to go check if the window was open. Usually, or at least recently, he would’ve taken a few long backsteps before making for the door to look inside. But, being so hyperaware of what the right thing to do was, Casey was now prone to making basic mistakes and poor decisions. Choices like breaking off immediately and turning to look into the Den, rather than making sure that he was keeping her fully in mind…

They couldn’t live like that. He couldn’t be so actively wrapped up in protecting her. His back had to be a normal image, because his front would be. He had intentions of forever… At least the window was closed, so he didn’t have to disappear fully.

[color=577d06]”Yep, all good, Babe. Should I get you a sweater? I mean, I guess they won’t sting you even if they’re mad.”[/color] he asked aloud, half trying to fill the dead air between them.

[color=d1b300]“They’d only sting me if I asked them too."[/color] She responded, not seeming any worse for having seen his back. Not because there wasn't that irrational, immediate fear response… But she was doing her best not to let it get to her. The base level anxiety was bearable, she didn't want it to jump above that. 

Though she wasn't so great at actually rationalising and dealing with feelings, so much as just suppressing them. She wasn't really in the right state to think about it. 

[color=d1b300]“They shouldn't get mad, but maybe we should set up a mini target. Some of the commands are to attack, and if I give it aimlessly when practicing they'll get confused. I'm not sure what they'll go for."[/color] Normally she'd be confident it wouldn't be Casey, with how soaked in her pheromones he was. But the more on edge she was, the more on edge the bees were, which pushed them towards treating everything like a threat. 

[color=d1b300]“There’s a small enough number in here we really should be fine."[/color] She continued as she carefully called for them. About ten had been on the plants above them, lazily dripping down, while the rest meandered in the Den until she called for them. 

At least inputting that command would be easy. She found it, before looking at Casey with a slight frown.
[color=d1b300]“How do I actually attune it? Just blast it with my magic?"[/color]

As Casey got back to her side, he let his hand down to hold hers against the mouse before bringing her back out into the main menu.

[color=577d06]”That section that says ‘Calibration and Attunement’ is a good place to start.”[/color] he joked, letting her navigate to it and open it up. There was a gentle click, then a whizz in the computer before a little slot opened up on the right side of the monitor.

[color=577d06]”When you go in, it’ll pop the reader open. But it doesn’t activate until you-”[/color]
He pointed at the screen, specifically at the word “edit” like it was any other document. The drop-down menu held smaller sections like “Signal Trigger”, “Ammunition Pool”, and “Targeting Matrix”.
[color=577d06]”-click on the stuff having to do with signals.”[/color]

Clicking the button in the edit tab brought a box up to ask her if she was entering a new trigger, or if she wanted to edit an existing one.

[color=577d06]”I only set up the examples based on what I figured [i]people[/i] would be useful doing. There’s also, uh, if you just click on new?-”[/color]
The screen then made the distinction of asking if she was adding a new solo trigger, or if she wanted to upload a “trigger string.”
[color=577d06]”-Gin obviously didn’t know what terminology to go with… But you can essentially upload whole prompts? And, I guess, if you’ve already taken the time to input the individual pheromone triggers, the software will actually detect and map out the prompt based on the signals it can match in the computer. If that makes sense… It’s kind of like automating the process when you’ve got a bunch of time and effort into it.”[/color]

Trisha nodded. It did make sense… it didn't seem too difficult, outside of the initial effort of going through all her pheromones and uploading them. There'd probably be some snags there when she had to start thinking about it, because some of that had come naturally to her. But it was work she was willing to do. Anything, really, so that she'd be a bit more useful when they had to actually fight again. 

[color=d1b300]“Automated after I upload everything and train a bunch of bees to get into a specific box."[/color] She nodded, selecting a solo trigger. This one was relatively easy… Since it would come through harnesses to a specific bee, she didn't need to worry about calling a specific number for the attunement. After naming it, the screen informed them that the reader was active. 

The command had all fifty of the bees she'd already called, in various rest spots across the counter, buzzing towards her again with some amount of confusion. They landed all over her this time, a few rubbing their fuzzy faces and butts on her face. She giggled as she gently moved them to less annoying places on her. 

It was smart how it just seemed to register it. Magic, she guessed. As she thought about it more her expression changed, looking towards Casey with some amount of concern. 

[color=d1b300]“Can [I]anyone[/I] use this? I know it's not likely, but if someone… stole it or wrestled it away from me, would they be able to command my bees? I know I could manually override them-"[/color] What a technical term for her normal pheromones use- [color=d1b300]“but it'd still confuse them."[/color]

He shook his head.
[color=577d06]”Your magic should be the only magic that interacts with it without prompting any kind of security protocol. And too much magical exposure without confirmation will melt it down, so… It’s yours. As yours as something can be. I’d be more worried about someone magically overriding my enchantments on the harnesses. As soon as the connection to the system breaks, all my enchants are meant to overload the battery core in each unit. Essentially, they turn into grenades. They’ve got just enough time that whatever bees were harnessed will hopefully have made it out of the explosion.”[/color]

They’d thought a lot about that… And that was one of the first systems that Gin had him implement. The connection between the magic and the physical was the hardest to pull off, and he had seriously complex magic being used on the box with all the harnesses. The fact that it was essentially a bee armory, and that each of them could have thousands of real dollars worth of equipment, meant that it was important to keep it all not just secure, but [i]proprietary.[/i]

[color=577d06]”But, there’s a not-zero chance they don’t. It’s a system that still needs to get stress-tested, to see how much play there is between a security breach and the actual function that follows. If we had a Purple Adept working with us, then the framework for the harness to teleport the bee wearing it back to the box before it detonates would be an option… But, with nobody to assist with the magical application, it’s a stretch.”[/color] he continued to explain.

Trisha took a shaky breath, nodding. Obviously she didn't want any of her bees to become living explosions, but there was always going to be a risk to them. She just had to think about the logistics on her end to get the bees out on time. 

[color=d1b300]“Is there a way to make sure they give out a specific pheromone when the connection is broken, or does that depend too much on the system?"[/color] she nibbled her lip, thinking of the worst case scenario. Some strong Orange Adept who overrode all of the harnesses, turning them into grenades. No, if it was all of them, she could send a mass command if she reacted in time… If it was staggered? That would be more difficult. If any got caught in the blast, it would momentarily impair her thinking, making it more difficult to get the others out. The more dead, the more difficult it got. 

[color=d1b300]“If it can't, I'll have to practice quick escapes with them… From whatever they're wearing specifically. I'm used to getting them out of magical attacks where possible, and they're somewhat attuned to it too. A fireball coming towards them is hot and dangerous no matter what, so they sense it. This would be all on me, because they won't know until it's too late."[/color]

Casey had already thought about what she was asking, and had left room for a drop-switch just like that.
[color=577d06]”We can make that happen! It’s a good idea, Babe. Would you want it to just be a harsh burst? Does that affect their reaction time if it’s a much more concentrated chemical? We can probably figure out a way to match the scent of the expanding battery core with the flee pheromone, too. So it’ll work as an analogue failsafe should all else go to shit.”[/color] he nodded, patting her on the shoulder in a gentle confirmation.

[color=577d06]”Though, just… Don’t get too hung up on this stuff. It’s all implying that something happens where you lose access to the main unit, which you shouldn’t ever. Because it’s meant to run and function remotely… So we can keep it in a safe place until we need to make adjustments. All you’ll need to do is work on a command that lets them know it’s time to go to war.”[/color] he finished, hoping that she wouldn’t be terribly worried about the remote possibility of her bees exploding for seemingly no reason.

[color=d1b300]“I’d rather be prepared than just ignore it. I don't think that's me getting hung up on it."[/color] She responded evenly. She was worried about it, obviously, but she was worried about all of it. It was the difficult thing about her abstraction being so strongly connected to her bees. She loved them, but they were also her first line of defence. Other lives that she was sacrificing for her own… It would be easier if she didn't have to risk them every time. 

When she had the time, she'd have to try and look into the information unrelated to the bees themselves. Maybe there was a way for [i]her[/i] to get stronger so she was less reliant on them. 

[color=d1b300]“Their reaction time is affected by my emotions, so I imagine it being more concentrated might simulate it. I can probably even emulate my own stress if it's a recorded pheromone, if I work myself up enough."[/color] She shrugged one shoulder. Though that probably wasn't so sensible now. 

[color=d1b300]“I know it's unlikely it'll happen and they’ll be at risk either way."[/color] She continued, reaching out to run a finger down one bee's back. 
[color=d1b300]“As long as there's failsafes… What do you mean by a command like that? One that [I]I[/I] put out to activate the preset ones on the computer? Or- Oh, it's probably something I can start from my phone or a smaller device, isn't it? Having it depend on my pheromones to start would be odd."[/color]

[color=577d06]”Why… Would that be odd?”[/color] Casey asked calmly, looking at her as if he’d done something wrong. 

The way he and Gin figured, that was the [i]only[/i] way to get things started. 

[color=577d06]”The box also knows and reproduces the command pheromones. So, we figured as long as there was something to detect that you were making a signal, it could be activated remotely! Hence-”[/color]

He slid a small box across the island counter. It was rectangular. Very clearly a jewelry box, but unclear as to whether it was a necklace, or something with a band like a bangle. 

[color=577d06]”-we figured that it had to be stuff you wouldn’t mind wearing all the time. I know, I must look like some wannabe rich asshole handing you jewelry all the time… But this is one of the last ones for now, I promise.”[/color] he did his best to smile down at her.

[color=d1b300]“O-oh, it's fine, you don't look like that! I already told you it's empty gifts I don't like… but I know it's not like that. It's practical, anyway, and- and the last time was my ring. That really doesn't make you look like an asshole. I'm happy to wear anything from you!"[/color] She stammered a bit in her attempt to anxiously comfort him, managing to push the crawling panic down to smile back at him. She slowly reached out for the jewellery box, but didn't actually open it. 

[color=d1b300]“I assumed a simple app with some button I press would be easier for Gin to do… Odd was the wrong word, I meant odd because it seemed hard."[/color] She backtracked to the other source of anxiety. She didn't want him thinking they'd gone about it wrong. She'd genuinely thought it being triggered by her pheromones would be near impossible if they had the computer somewhere safe… not even thinking about how much magic had gone into making that in the first place. 

[color=d1b300]“I didn't even think of another sensor. Kinda silly, huh, with all of this magical equipment? It seems much safer… And faster. It makes sense now that I understand… Thank you for setting it up like that for me. And for the jewellery."[/color]

[color=577d06]”You… Like it? Y’gotta open it to know…”[/color] he replied very simply, not wanting to seem too pushy.

[color=577d06]”It wasn’t super hard to figure out once we knew we could accurately transfer the chemical composition of the pheromones from one sensor to another. Next time we see Gin, you can ask her about the smelly telephone game she was playing if you want. She’d be happy to tell you, I bet; she’s just as happy with the thing as I am… [i]And[/i] I learned a lot about computer hardware and software. More about hardware, and about enchanting it to do funny things.”[/color]

The entire process of getting the beequipment up and running really put his own hobbies and interests into perspective. The idea that all that made up a gun, in a factual sense, were some precision milled metal bits strapped to a polymer handle with a tube, made it all seem so last century.

[color=577d06]”Like, I didn’t know about quantum processing until Gin told me about it as a possibility for running machines as small as the harnesses. Now, I know enough to know that I’ll never understand it. So, that was cool…”[/color] he grinned, laughing a little bit.

[color=d1b300]“I don’t think many people can understand quantum processing. Gin, maybe Cass… ”[/color] Trisha smiled in response. It was the kind of conceptual science far beyond her understanding. The mathematics had interested her, but she could barely begin to wrap her head around the simplest parts of it. 

[color=d1b300]“I’m glad you enjoyed it. Maybe one day we can make a dream computer team, you do the hardware and I’ll do the software. Then I won’t have to deal with Cass trying to tear my whole computer apart every time I want something upgraded. You can just enchant it to be better.”[/color] She joked lightly, still smiling at him before turning her head towards the jewellery box in her hands.

She was a little nervous about it. She was sure she’d like it, because was preparing to school her expression just in case. As long as it wasn’t gaudy, or something studded in diamonds. The worry only came because he said about looking like a wannabe rich asshole.

But she opened it to reveal a simple enough design, a bracelet made up of pearl sized beads. Each bead had a jet black base, with varieties of golden-yellow to amber swirling through it. As she picked it up she could feel the smoothness inherent in gemstones smoothed down to beads. It wasn’t plastic or anything cheap… But it wasn’t over the top either. It was pretty, and the kind of thing she could easily wear

[color=d1b300]“It’s really nice, Casey. Thank you. I definitely like it.”[/color] She smiled, hesitating a moment before leaning up to kiss his cheek. 

Casey was rather impressed with the piece himself. He hadn’t actually looked at it in the box, instead trusting Gin to do what she did best: Overdesign.

[color=577d06]”Each sphere’s a part, basically a hardware component of the uh… Well, it’s essentially a functioning device besides the aesthetic appeal. It’s your controller. Reads your pheromones, digitizes it, then sends it to the receivers: Mostly to turn it all on, hence why I mentioned you’ll need to determine a master signal.”[/color] he explained happily, moving around her to gently take her hand.

Holding her arm, he pulled the bracelet from its package and wrapped it around her wrist. As he did, there was a very clear signal crawling up between her ring and the new piece, causing it to jostle slightly upon her wrist before locking into place. It wasn’t tight; just stiff. Like it was in [i]on[/i] mode.

[color=577d06]”As a failsafe, I made sure it went to Nana first, so she could signal-lock it with the ring. Basically, even if someone got ahold of your controller, and could reproduce your pheromones, it still has to search for your ring. Like a car key-fob, as opposed to an analogue key.”[/color]

The screen reacted as well, a notification sliding up from the bottom left hand corner that read “Master Unit Active.” Overall, he found it to be an ingenious system that was just another little miracle in their lives… All thanks to the power of magic itself. As she got the chance to admire it on her own wrist, Casey’s arms wrapped around her waist.

[color=577d06]”And… I’m sorry too. Obviously the jewelry isn’t a bandage. Neither is pretending. But, we’re both… Doing good? Right?”[/color] he asked calmly, his forehead bumping gently into the back of her head.

[I]Good[/I] wasn't quite how Trisha would describe herself right now. Managing- even managing to enjoy herself- but not good. Not when her anxiety was just beneath the surface. Today she could cope with. Tomorrow too. But a whole month of pretending? It wasn't going to be difficult without having panic attacks whenever she was alone and could let it out. 

But she'd do it for Casey if it's what he wanted… At least she got to be with him. She loved being with him, and the increased anxiety didn't change that right now. 

[color=d1b300]“Yeah, we're both doing good."[/color] Trisha agreed, calmly enough that it would only register as a lie if Casey used magical detection on her. She tried not to brace herself for the inevitable ‘I told you so.’ 

She leaned back into him, closing her eyes for a moment and letting the warmth of his arms around her comfort her. Maybe he really would be able to manage all month, until he felt better. Maybe things would feel a bit different, but it wouldn't escalate to fights like earlier. She should trust him. 

[color=d1b300]“I accept your apology too…"[/color] She said softly. 
[color=d1b300]“I’m glad the bracelet isn't a bandage… nice as it is, you know how I feel about gifts to smooth things over. But obviously it isn't, since you already had it, but this is much better anyway."[/color]

She meant the hug, leaning deeper into it. She didn't want him to think she was suddenly put off the bracelet at the thought it might be some kind of bandage or apology gift. She knew it wasn't. 

[color=d1b300]“It’s really impressive. Not just that it'll detect my pheromones and connects to the system… That you sent it to Sylvie to get it linked to my ring too. I really appreciate everything you've done for me here. In general too, even all the little things… You make my life better in a lot of ways, you probably don't even realise it."[/color] That was all true, said with more solemn calmness than the normal sweet and cute delivery she gave him. She wanted to make sure he knew that, [I]really[/I] knew that, not just her trying to get through when they were fighting. Especially with what he said about her being stuck with him. 

[color=577d06]”I know, Honey Bee.”[/color] Casey said simply, acknowledging her genuine feelings.

Of course, she was probably incredibly antsy to say whatever she thought would keep him tethered. Anything to get him to stay. It was a little heartbreaking, because she really was his everything. It was just the unbroken trauma chain, the issues made by issues born of older issues still, that made independence a near impossibility.

Still, he was self aware. At least enough that Trisha’s logic behind her love was an open book.

[color=577d06]”I… Wish you wouldn’t talk about it like it's a passing thing. What I do for you, that is… I’m here. So are you. Committed. Dedicated. I love you.”[/color]

It did feel a bit like she was constantly teetering toward throwing herself out. It made him even more regretful that he had let this happen to begin with. How could he have lost his strength? How could he have floundered in front of her, and let her see that weakness in turn?

[color=577d06]”I swear, Trisha…”[/color] he added, holding her just a little tighter.

Trisha tried not to reactively tense, forcing herself to take a deep breath. She twisted herself, doing her best to turn in his tight hold so that she could face him. 

[color=d1b300]“I didn't mean it like that."[/color] She said softly. 
[color=d1b300]“I don't think that it's a passing thing. I know you're not just going to stop doing things for me… You won't wake up tomorrow and stop. I just wanted you to know I appreciate everything you've [I]done[/I], but I didn't mean it like it was only a past thing."[/color]

She bit her lip trying to not get too anxious about a misunderstanding. Of course she was worried about him leaving. She felt like every argument or ugly little truth about herself that came out would be the last one. But she at least had enough faith in Casey that he'd just [I]break up with her[/I]. As terrifying as the prospect was, it was better than a future where he lost his love for her and stopped doing all of those little things for her… 

Maybe she did think it was a passing thing, deep down. It was hard to believe the novelty wouldn't wear off. Because eventually she'd become too much, and the love she brought wouldn't be enough to outweigh the arguments and her heavy anxieties. But she really hadn't meant to [I]talk about it[/I] like it was in that moment. 

She managed to twist around enough so she could properly bury herself into his arms.
[color=d1b300]“I love you too… I'm always anxious, but I'm really not always thinking you're about to leave me. I promise. I know you love me… I don't want you to think I'm questioning that either."[/color]

[color=577d06]”I’m… Just worried that one day you’ll have questions. Ones I won’t have an answer for. I’m worried about detaching. And about what it’ll do to you. The good months are easy. But, having the feeling that I [i]didn’t want to be around you[/i]? Even for a few minutes?”[/color]

He hadn’t exactly intended for the admission to slip out there. But this was tender. They weren’t keyed up for an argument. This [i]was what she’d wanted.[/i] He wanted to talk about it how it made sense for him. Which, ultimately, didn’t make any sense in the context of the situation; but Casey was far too removed to worry about that now. 

[color=577d06]”But I don’t know how to fix it. The shrink said I’m good about it… That knowing the feelings are just feelings is enough, and that so long as I hold my word to things, then even if I’m struggling to maintain the connection, it should be enough to not hurt others over it. But, I still don’t know how healthy that is, and I know I’m not supposed to feel like a failure for struggling… But, knowing how sensitive you are? It’s extra pressure… To not crack. To not buckle. I’ve gotta trust you’ll deal with it. I know you will. Like, y’know, I know we have plans this weekend. I’ll be there. And you’ve gotta know that I don’t wanna be: Not because I don’t love you, or don’t love spending time with you… I just… [i]Everything burns.[/i] It all burns, and it's all on fire. I don’t know how to stop that feeling.”[/color] he did his best to explain, still holding her tightly.

Trisha tucked her head down and into his chest so he didn't see her frown. She didn't want her immediate upset reaction to push him away and have him clam up again. Because she'd wanted him to talk to her, she just couldn't control her immediate reaction. 

Because it hurt to hear that he hadn't wanted to be around her, even if it really had just been for a few minutes like he said. It was exactly the kind of thing that she was worried about. Because if it was a few minutes now, wouldn't it be longer next time? Until eventually he never wanted to be around her? But she couldn't let that panic control her. She'd told him it was something she had to push through so that she'd actually get over it. 

She didn't really believe she'd be able to get over it like that, but she knew that she could ignore it for him. It wasn't about her right now, anyway. She could push down the panic and let it out in the small moments she had alone. 

[color=d1b300]“I will deal with it. I promise, I can."[/color] Trisha responded with genuine conviction. Would dealing with it be in a healthy way? Probably not. But it wasn't like it would be the first time she managed to push everything down to prioritise someone else. Just this time, there'd be a light at the end of the tunnel. Future good months… As long as there were future good months, she could do that for him. 

Even if she didn't entirely understand how he was feeling, she could figure out enough from how he described it. She didn't have any similar feelings of her own to relate to, but she shouldn't have to. It just sounded difficult.

[color=d1b300]“I don't want you to feel more pressure or like a failure because of me. Like I said earlier… It's not just about me. Me having issues doesn't suddenly mean yours don't matter. I don't want you forcing yourself to things either. I can go alone, I'll deal with making any excuses. I'm used to going to things like that alone-"[/color] That maybe wasn't the right thing to say if she didn't want him feeling guilty about it. But at the end of the day, Cass was her friend. All of the big things happening this weekend were because of Trisha's friends. Trisha should be able to deal with it. 

[color=d1b300]“I don't know how else I can help. I don't really understand what that feeling's like… and I don't know if I can help you not detach. I don't imagine so? Not without making things worse… But I can do something like that."[/color]

Rapidly grappling with the cognitive dissonance of her feelings was, if nothing else, [i]fun.[/i] It was a sick, twisted little hopping sensation in the pit of his stomach. It wasn’t the same one he got before combat, where he knew there was going to be physical danger. Frankly, even he couldn’t explain it. All he could do was feel it, and hope that it was the key to working through this. Maybe he’d be able to muster the feeling again some day, and it’d carry him through to the next calm shore. 

[color=577d06][i]So you don’t want me to feel pressure, then you’re gonna say some sad shit about being used to doing things alone?[/i][/color]

It may’ve been too much for a lesser person. He could see it now. [i]Why[/i] she wasn’t so much a unicorn as she was a silkie. But, there was a reason they were so good at drowning people. 

[color=577d06]”I’m sure you could, but you know I can do the same. It’s more like… Well, uh… When we were yelling, you mentioned the truth not mattering. It does. It always will. So, the truth is that, just like I’ve gotta have a lot of faith that you’ll get used to our relationship over time, I’ve gotta have a lot of faith in myself, that as time passes, this feeling will have exceptions. Because, you’ve gotta understand-”[/color]

He pulled her out just enough to look down at her without filling her face with his hair.

[color=577d06]”-that, had it been someone else? Not you? I’d still have this feeling. I’d still be this way. And I’ve [i]never been with anyone else.[/i] I literally don’t know what’s going to happen. There’s only one thing that I can sincerely look at and steady myself… And, right now, it’s not technically you. It’s… [i]Lynette.[/i] Her plan. And… And that disgusts me… But, I know that if her grasp of the future is as good as she makes it seem, then there’s no way we’re not still together then. There’s no way this doesn’t work… Because if we have a kid? There’s… I just can’t imagine a future where that’s the case, and we’re not together. I wouldn’t ever leave. I’d never, never [i]ever[/i].”[/color]

He looked very sad. [i]Incredibly[/i] so. Like he’d just crushed a few hundred bees under the mass of his body. It’d been so deeply emotional, that first night… He could see how he’d still been on the upward trend at that point. Early November had been easiest. Some could’ve called it manic. He organized a lot, and got a lot done. Thanks to her. That motivation. What else could he do besides be honest, and show her that it mattered, rather than just [i]telling her.[/i] 
Besides, she couldn’t stop herself from making him feel guilty: Why should he not indulge himself in a bit of emotional psyche-bombing.

Trisha slipped her hands up from where they were squashed between them to caress his face, unable to do anything but look reactively upset and concerned while gathering her thoughts. 

Seeing him so sad made her chest feel tight, little panicked feelings rising towards the surface. She didn't want him to feel that way because of her… Because she still thought that he might leave her. Believed it was more likely than it wasn't. Obviously that would hurt him, just like that thought that he didn't want to be around hurt her. It didn't matter that part of his conviction came from a future Lynette had seen that Trisha struggled to believe in. Foresight was so outside of her reality, no matter how magically tinged it was. 

Her own thoughts on that didn't matter right now. If he felt that sad about it, that meant he really loved her [I]right now[/I]. He wanted that future, right. 

[color=d1b300]“I- I know you wouldn't, if we have a kid together. I know, I really believe you, I don't think either of us would abandon the other like that."[/color] She managed to respond eventually, struggling with confirming something like that while being just honest enough. She couldn't lie and say she really believed they'd make it to there no matter what. He'd know it was a lie… 

But she did believe his feelings towards her right now, even if that burning feeling he had was the most dominant. 

[color=d1b300]“I’m worried that maybe there won't be exceptions. Not just because of my own anxiety… But wouldn't that mean I'm not the right one? I don't want you suffering forever."[/color] She continued, hands dropping from holding his face to grip his shoulders. She was doing her best to phrase it in a way that wasn't about her anxieties. She was worried she'd never get better too… But that wasn't the focus. 

If she was never an exception, it wouldn't make her leave him. She'd cope and struggle no matter what. But was that really fair to him? 

[color=d1b300]“I love you, and I really want that future with you, no matter how hard it is to get there. And I really, [I]truly[/I] believe in your dedication towards me. I just…"[/color] She trailed off, eyes dropping down. What was she even trying to say? Wasn't she just making them go round in circles? 
[color=d1b300]“I’ll try my best to have faith that future is real, and it'll work out. I know our feelings right now are real… And I don't want to make you feel like I don't. I… I believe that you'll never leave if you have the choice."[/color]

It was a white lie, sort of. In her mind, ‘if you have the choice’ included her pushing him to his breaking point… Then he wouldn't really have any choice but to leave, would he?