[right][code]Monday 18th December. Late Evening. Home. [/code][/right]
In the end, the party wasn’t a pleasant experience for either Casey or Trisha. Casey got so drunk he nearly started a fight with a boxer over some teasing, which only set off Trisha's anxiety over the whole event. Thankfully, Leon was around to settle it before it became an actual fight… But he couldn’t stop the near fight the couple had when they got home. 

But it didn’t happen again. Things calmed down, and went back to the uncomfortable normal. Sunday was spent recovering. Silently pretending they were both fine, with Trisha briefly seeing Reyna before she left only to scamper right back to Casey. She was getting more and more jumpy with every day. But she still didn’t want to be anywhere else but by his side.

There were some good moments on Sunday too. Quiet moments where they managed to enjoy each other's company, and things felt more normal. The kind of moments that let Trisha feel like they could really get through this. 

Then Monday came round, and Casey actually [i]had[/i] to go to work. [i]Something[/i] that Lynette wanted from him. What, he didn’t know.

Which left Trisha alone. She hadn’t spent more than a few hours without him since they dealt with Dollhouse, aside from some times when she was ‘asleep’. Even then, he’d been in the same building. And this time she didn’t know what he was doing. It could be anything. He could be in danger and she couldn’t do anything. 

It made her incredibly anxious, to the point she couldn’t actually do anything. She tried, turning on the TV to try watch something, before swapping to her laptop to do some work, before picking up a book to read. None of it kept her attention. Her panicked thoughts always caught her. Each one came with a worse scenario, all of the anxiety she’d been suppressing coming up to the surface.

What if he didn’t come back? What would she do?

In the end, the only thing she could vaguely do was [i]clean[/i]. It was never something she’d found comfort in, but it was better than curling up into a ball of fear on their couch. Maybe it would make Casey happy too. Most of it was her own mess tidied- makeup strewn about their bathroom, clothes she’d considered wearing and forgotten to put away. But she wiped down the surfaces in the bathroom and kitchen too. 

But there wasn’t enough to do, because Casey still kept the place practically spotless. So she ended up back in the Den, the door left wide open so she could see the main door, getting more and more anxious as she waited. 

And she would’ve waited a terribly long time. The kind of time that really makes one sweat, constantly refreshing their awareness of time as fifteen minute increments pass like dough through wire mesh. Each labored minute spent in anticipation of something only extended the waiting time into the smallest portions of calculable passage. Seconds dripped on in the  quiet, crashing against the pool of what was, their last echo being the ripples left behind to join the batch before and be swept away by the batch after.

Waiting was never worth it. Not this kind of waiting. Not the kind that let every possibility run through one’s head to crash over the ramparts and flood the keep with nightmares. This wasn’t right. No call, no break, no information. To embarrassed to go downstairs and ask, or to see if anyone knew anything. Why bother? He always comes home. And he had. It’d been a couple of hours even. Leon had left with Cass. Blowing off the steam of the night. It made sense, though he was far more pragmatic about it than Casey was feeling now.

The Halcyon office had been full of people Casey considered friends. Igor Rasmussen, Jada Cartwell, Davis Ferraro… [i]Gin.[/i] His head was bolted in a single direction thanks to his knees. He was forced to stare forward, body being held tight and rigid as he didn’t want to move. Couldn’t, frankly. All he could possibly think about was wanting to trade. Trade it all for them to have another chance. He never could’ve expected this to have been the outcome, after all. He thought they’d wind up onside, with those who wanted to escape this cycle.

Lynette had used Project Eden’s research against them. Told them that if they wanted to continue into the future, changes would need to be made. They’d need to do more. They were smart people. Book people, just like the Portal Lab. Academic Adepts searching for the answers to ancient secrets and new world problems. But they were still Adepts, and other Supernaturals too. Aberrations abound. Everyone working toward returning Shimmer to the Eden it once was.

And working on ways to make Lynette immortal. Or ways to hex those who would threaten her. Or making new machines to torture the Adepts outside their circles. When he first saw the evidence, he assumed it was purely out of fear for their existing projects. That they maybe felt they wouldn’t be supported in the future if the architect of their designs was no longer helming the endeavor. 

He had no way of knowing in that moment that she’d put them up to it almost a year ago. It was a slow, secretive conversion of purpose… And it totally aligned them both emotionally and ideologically to her whims. 

Rather than allow their work to bear fruit, however, Lynette’s true plan was far more devious. In her radicalization of Project Eden, Lynette set up an intimate level of control over the group as a whole. Every string tug saw the entire group jumping at what she told them to do, and gathering them all in the Halcyon office had been the easiest step.

The harder job was convincing Leon and Casey that they were now a threat that needed to be eliminated if they wanted to see their own futures become reality. That if they didn’t go and stop Project Eden now, they’d be too late to prevent Lynette’s ascendence. The brothers found themselves mired in a very real trolley problem then… And Lynette once again got her way. The purpose was manyfold, and planned with such diligence that she impressed herself. 

Force the pain upon her murderers, and embed the memory into them. Make sure they never forget the feeling of betrayal. Force Leon and Casey to kill friends and loved ones to ensure that their ultimate goals  could still happen. Force them to destroy others for the sake of an ideal. Leave them with that for the rest of their lives, that the guilt and pain would fester. 
But, the problem for Casey and Leon was very real. In truth, they were left with no other choice but to destroy Project Eden, and in doing so, kill all living members. Lynette purposefully gathered them in the tight, magically trapped facility, and directed her weapons to the fray.

And Leon could still live with himself. Lelou helped a great deal, but it was never going to be a spotless transition. Doctor Andy had only just recently made herself a massive help in Cass’ life. She was responsible for ensuring that they were all set up to deal with Cass’ sickness when it came, and her team as a whole had been pivotal in ensuring Leon had comfort in those first weeks after adjoining.

For Casey, there were people like Roger Wiers, Peter Maize, Valerie Cook and James Atkins; all people responsible for magical equipment that he never could’ve made solely on his own. Then, the impromptu teams responsible for the influx of supporting technology for Trisha! All headed up by…

He still tried to get her face out of his head. Every time, emotion welled up to the point that he found himself shouting and sobbing. He couldn’t see her face without seeing Trisha’s. Seeing them happy… Listening to her little voice playing on the other end of Trisha’s headphones. He was immediately transported to a time when they were children. Gin and Igor were arguing. They couldn’t have been more than ten year olds. Casey stepped between them, warding Igor off. He remembered Gin’s sweet disposition. 

[color=9399b8][i]I wish you were my big brother![/i][/color]

She could’ve fought back. He didn’t just hesitate in that moment, he flat out paused. She had every opportunity for Jekyll and Hyde to manifest and pummel him into the ground. She didn’t… Tears filled her eyes, and all she did was raise her hands out to him. He should’ve stopped… He should’ve ended it there, and thrown the gun down. He should’ve run to her, and comforted her, even if that meant dying. Even if that meant she ripped his fucking head off: It would’ve been good. Better than what he did.

Better than murdering his friend Ginara in cold blood. Better than watching her body splinter open into a million chunks. Better than her soundless reaction. He didn’t have an Apparition to tell him everything was going to be okay. Things weren’t going to be okay.

The only consolation he had was that he could leave Trisha with the gifts that Gin had given her. The mini-generator making her bee habitats in the greenhouse was still online. The big manual had even been opened on a nearby laptop, as if they knew he’d be there to claim it. It all packed onto a dolly, and moved easily from place to place. They’d really thought of everything…

He’d cried so long he didn’t even think to change out of his dark jumpsuit. Even if he’d thought about it, he wouldn’t have changed. Didn’t feel like he deserved it, or anything. No food. No comfort. He made himself sick. And worse, there was another problem that needed to be taken care of now. 
He didn’t know what else to do, after all. There weren’t a lot of options, and he couldn’t see the yellow brick road ahead. In his mind, what was coming next would be best for everyone involved. 

And even now, the ring on his finger pulsed its warning. That there would be Hell to pay if he went through with what he was thinking… He crossed the roof silently, head twisting to look at the greenhouse structure before turning to look at the house from a distance. He could see through the dark into the main area, then past it into the dark hall. But he couldn’t see into the Den without magic. So, he stood there outside in a quiet standoff with the half-closed door, hoping that Trisha was just fucking asleep so he wouldn’t have to do this right now.

Unfortunately for him, Trisha wasn’t asleep. How could she sleep? She was struggling to sleep right now as things were, nevermind when he was out. For [i]so long[/i]. She’d been waiting for so long.

Where she’d ended up perching meant she could see outside, even if he couldn’t see her. It wasn’t a good view, but she could see the shadowed figure approach thanks to the front being made of [i]glass[/i]. She didn’t need to actually see his face to know it was Casey.

But why wasn’t he coming inside? Why was he just standing there? Had something happened? Was he worried he’d wake her up? No, that had never been a problem. Why was he [i]hesitating[/i]. 

It only made her more anxious, but she did her best to suppress it. She had to go back to how it had been- keeping it underneath the surface for both of their sake. He was alive. He was alive, that was what mattered. 

Trisha slipped out of the Den, reaching out to turn on the hall light, and then the light of the main area as she reached it. She couldn’t handle moving in the dark right now… She needed everything on her side right now anxiety wise. She could see Casey more clearly now, her brow furrowing in concern even as raised a hand in a wave and tried to smile. She hesitated for a moment before moving towards the door, hoping he’d actually come inside before she actually reached it.

He didn’t. He stood stark still, one hand in a pocket while the other dangled at his side. His hair was terribly matted, clumped, and looked half-damp. She’d have recognized the jumpsuit quickly as what he always called “Workwear”. When she got close enough to actually open the door, he could see her face with terrible clarity. Every single worry line on it. She was actually worried about him. She still would be after he told her. Even after he said what he had to say. But, that was fine. She’d worry. Then she’d get over it. Because ultimately, she’d have to understand. She was ill, not utterly depraved, after all.

He turned away, then hard pivoted on the foot to turn back. Because he told her he’d never really leave her. He wasn’t going to. [i]She was going to leave him. And he was going to make her.[/i]

Trisha’s breath caught in her throat as he turned away, then back again. Confusion joined the worry in her eyes. She was close enough now that she could see him completely. If he was dressed like that, it meant… There was a high chance he was sent to kill people. It wasn’t the first time it had happened. The aftermath of the last two times hadn’t been good, because she hadn’t [i]known[/i] then she hadn’t been supportive enough. But this time was different. She would be.

But why wasn’t he coming inside?

Clamping down on the nerves wreaking havoc across her, making her feel like throwing up, she reached out to open the door.

[color=d1b300]“Casey? Are you going to come inside? It’s cold out there…”[/color] She said simply, not wanting to push about what had happened yet. He’d tell her. She had to trust that.

[color=577d06]”Don’t be dumb, Trisha.”[/color] he said without any great deal of emotion. Just dead words into the air.
[color=577d06]”You don’t want me in there. I don’t even want to hear it.”[/color]

His face was illuminated by the lights inside, leaving the expression of abject pain and horror clear as daylight. He almost cowered from the light, and was the whole reason he felt the impulse to turn away. Having nothing to do with shame, of course…

[color=577d06]”I just wanted to tell you. We have the hives downstairs. Nobody’s left to take care of the machine. Decide where you want to keep it. Stay as long as you need to find another place to be.”[/color]

What? [i]What[/i]? Trisha gripped the door handle tight, breathing quickening. Her body felt ice cold, and it wasn’t because of the temperature outside. What was he saying? The hives were downstairs… Why? That meant that- [i]Oh no[/i]. Had he killed- Had he had to kill-

She trembled, her concern for him and whatever had happened only adding to the panic crashing into her. Because it was more than just that. He was talking about another place. For her. Why would she need another place? Was this it? The moment she’d always known would come, that she’d feared so much? 

But she’d always thought it would be because of something she did. Maybe it was. Maybe he’d reflected, and realised she wasn’t worth doing all of this for. [i]She wasn’t[/i].

Even though she was shaking and struggling to breathe, she managed to speak without stammering.
[color=d1b300]“Are you breaking up with me?”[/color]

[color=577d06]”[b]I said I don’t want to hear it.[/b]”[/color]
His voice echoed across the roof as he became rather stern. He’d never say the words. That was part of the agreement, after all. 

And he didn’t [i]want[/i] to break up. But he knew if he told her what happened, things were over no matter what. They’d become friends. Gin truly held Trisha in high regard. The image of her arms outstretched to him for help hit him square in the face again, and in the lingering space was Trisha’s own horrified expression.

[color=577d06]”Because it’s [i]that![/i] That, that… Face! Why!? Why, what makes you think I’m right!? Why the fuck do you think you can stick around when I’m… [i]This?[/i]”[/color] he vaguely waved his arms up and down his body.
[color=577d06]”Fucking disgusting! Less than an animal! I’m fucking evil, Trisha! Do yourself a favor and just fucking run!”[/color]

He didn’t start sobbing, but within an instant he absolutely was crying. Tears streamed down, and his nose began to leak in equal parts.

[color=d1b300]“No! [i]No, [b]no![/b][/i] I’m not going anywhere. I’m not!”[/color] Trisha shook her head, a sliver of realisation dawning on her at the same time her panic escalated into a full attack. Each breath was a struggle, overwhelming panic crashing down on her. Her right grip on the door kept her upright even as her limbs grew weak.

He did want her to leave. He wanted rid of her… Because he thought he didn’t deserve her. But he did. He did! She didn’t care, she didn’t care what he did- because she knew he wasn’t evil. He didn’t kill people for [i]no reason[/i]. He didn’t. She wasn’t going to let him do this. She wasn’t leaving. She’d never leave. Never, ever. 

[color=d1b300]“You’re [i]not[/i] evil, Casey! You’re not. I- I know you’re not, no matter what you’ve done! I’m not fucking running. Because I [i]love you[/i]. I’m not going anywhere, I don’t care, you can’t just tell me to run and expect me to do it. Because I won’t. I won’t. I’m not leaving you.”[/color] She wanted him to see what she saw. 

And she wouldn’t be the one to leave. Never. And even if he tried to break up with her, she’d still fight for it until he’d thrown her out. Because there wasn’t anything else after this.

[color=577d06]”I’m not… Doing this with you. You don’t understand. You really don’t.”[/color]

He stepped forward once, then again.

[color=577d06]”[b]I. Killed. The [i]Light[/i]![/b]”[/color]

His face loomed down at her, staring with cold, dead eyes far past her head and onto the soul inside.

[color=577d06]”You love something I’ll never be able to be. Because I’m not a man. I’m not an animal. I’m a weapon. Everything I get pointed at dies. And there’s no room for love in that. And there is no such thing as love for something like me. And if you weren’t so hurt all the time, you’d agree. I’m not even here. I haven’t been present in so long.”[/color]

What he said ignored all the good of the previous month. Every moment he did feel good and connected. And he’d done this before as well! Earlier, he’d managed to take it. But, they weren’t as close… They weren’t-

[color=577d06]”I… See her face. And then its gone! Trisha! It’s fucking gone! She’s dead! Dead, and I fucking killed her because I had to! Because she would’ve… She couldn’t…”[/color]

Maybe she even knew. They’d never hidden talks from her. Figured she’d be there with them in the end. Poor Gin. Sweet Gin. Caught in the middle of something she had no reason to be… Because Lynette wanted her cake, and to eat it too. 

[color=577d06]”She’s your… She [i]loved you.[/i] You don’t even get it! You wouldn’t even let her fucking [i]hug you![/i] What, some fucking computer game… [i]She loved it![/i] Any time she could spend with you… It’s gone… Fucking [i]gone![/i]”[/color] he turned away again, hands collapsing atop his head in anguish.

Even if she’d guessed, hearing it was another thing. Hearing Casey so destroyed by it. And he thought he was [i]evil[/i]. A [i]weapon[/i]. A weapon wouldn’t care! They’d enjoy it, they’d move onto the next- But he didn’t see that. And she didn’t know how to make him see that. How the fuck could she comfort him while he was trying to push her out of his life?!

[color=d1b300]“Then maybe I’m evil too! Because I didn’t let her hug me! I was a shit friend! And I’m less fucking upset than [i]you are[/i].”[/color] She was upset. It was horrible. She liked Gin, she expected Gin to still be there… But she was being torn apart by so many emotions at the moment. So much panic and anguish. 

[color=d1b300]“You don’t get to decide my feelings, Casey! I [i]love you[/i]. I love you even if you killed her. And I’m going to keep loving you. Even if you break up with me. Even when I’m miserable and have no fucking hope left- Because you’re [i]not[/i] a weapon. I don’t care if you think you are. You’re not.”[/color] She took a deep, heaving breath. 

[color=d1b300]“I can’t bring her back. I can’t even comfort you, because you won’t let me! But I’m [i]not leaving[/i].”[/color] She wanted to beg him to stay. To break down and panic and clutch at him in the hope he’d take pity. That’d come. She didn’t think she could last much longer. But for now there was anger there too, as much as there was panic. 

[color=d1b300]“You can think whatever the fuck you want, but you can’t decide my feelings. And you can’t change the past month! [i]You can’t erase my feelings.[/i]”[/color]

[color=577d06]”You lie, you lie, you lie so much you don’t even realize when you’re doing it! You do it to yourself, you do it to everyone else. You sit you say you can do it, you can be fine, but we’re both fucking liars! Don’t worry, I’m guilty too! Lying to everyone, that I can be what they need… [i]She reached out to me like I was gonna help her, Trisha![/i] You can’t even fucking imagine that! What the fuck went through her mind!? She loved me! She loved us! Together! There’s not even enough of her to bury and you want me to worry about how the fuck you feel about things!?”[/color]

This was the crux of it all. How could he ever ask her for comfort when this sort of stuff was what occupied her mind? Casey felt that this was a justifiable moment for him to show her just what he meant.

[color=577d06]”We’re not fucking strong enough for this! Neither of us! You’re fucked, I’m fucked- I told you, take all the time you need. But, I’m not going back in that fucking house. I’m not getting your hopes up. You’ll be lucky I don’t kill myself by the end of the month.”[/color]

His left hand twisted to his right and tried to peel the ring off his finger. In the same instant, a surge of electricity stronger than anything he’d felt in a long time hit him like a sack of bricks, driving him to his knees with a yelp.

Trisha didn’t know what to do. What could she say, when he didn’t care about how she felt. Did he even care about her anymore? Had that been enough to ruin everything? She wanted to scream at him, she wanted to beg, she wanted to [i]comfort him[/i]. Even as he got hurt trying to take his engagement ring off. 

[color=d1b300]“You said you wouldn’t leave me. You promised. And I really fucking believed it.”[/color] Her voice was quieter, choked up by panicked gasps and sobs. He was never going to see. It was only him. There was nothing after this for her. She knew. She’d been with enough people to know when it was right. What would be the point now? To just go back to her miserable world, withering away in a room in her sister’s house? She’d had nothing left. [i]Nobody[/i]. 

She couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving. And she couldn’t bear the thought of him dying either. Leaving her alone one way or the other.

[color=d1b300]“Then just-” kill me too.[/color] She couldn’t say that. Because until he was out of her sight there was hope, no matter how slim, or how much it hurt. But there wouldn’t be if she said something like that. 
[color=d1b300]“You won’t fucking care if I rot away up here.”[/color]


[color=577d06][i]She’s nuts. She’s crazier than I am. What is this shit?[/i][/color]

Casey’s mind wandered idly through the pain as his hand twisted around the ring to try and give it another yank. This time, rather than a yelp, it elicited a whole scream in pain as the inside of the ring began to twist and bite into the flesh and knuckle of Casey’s finger like a thumbcuff. That, of course, allows the copper diodes a better passage to deliver the maximum voltage. Now he was unavoidably on his knees in front of Trisha, head pressed to the brick at the front stoop.

[color=577d06]”What… The [i]fuck[/i] do you want from me? Are you [i]sick?[/i] You… [i]Want[/i] to hear? About all the awful things? Then sit there and tell me that you won’t look at me any differently than you did the night you met me!? The night I was okay, and it wasn’t [i]this!?[/i] You can’t possibly be fucking serious Trisha, because if you’re fucking serious, there’s no fuckin’ turning that off! And I don’t think we can fucking do it! Not right now!”[/color]

He looked up at her, and tried to get up… But the ring was fully active now, and it had all the information it needed to put him in lockdown for his behavior. He’d agreed to this, and the only way he was going to be rid of it was to disenchant it.
But that would open a whole different can of worms if he even tried. At least the pain was something to focus on that made him more infuriated than dealing with what Trisha was saying.

[color=577d06]”You [i]are[/i] sick. If you think I’m worth your time. Like I’m not here to just make your life worse. Do you realize what being with me curses you to? What you’re fucking [i]doomed for[/i]? How many times can we fucking do this-”[/color] he was going to continue but the ring hit him hard enough that he curled up like a cooked prawn and let out another scream of anguish.

Trisha dropped to her knees too, unable to stay standing as the panic attack fully clutched her. Her body kept the door open, and she leaned towards Casey even as she sobbed and struggled to breath. She wanted to help him, she wanted him to not be hurt like this- but she couldn’t. Her hands trembled in front of him, outstretched without touching him.

[color=d1b300]“I told you I was fucked up. I told you. I want to be with you! I don’t care what that curses me to. Because it [i]hasn’t been a curse to me[/i]. I was miserable. I had [i]no one[/i] and no hope. Nothing gave it to me until you… And I can’t go back to that. No matter how stupid you think it is, compared to everything you’ve dealt with- There’s no one else for me.”[/color]

Her hands fell to the ground, as she curled forward with heaving breaths. Maybe it wouldn’t matter. Maybe she’d panic herself to death here. 

[color=d1b300]“I want [i]you[/i]. All of you, good and bad. I’ll sit through it all. I will. I [i]can[/i] do it. Just don’t… Don’t leave me.”[/color]

The ring wouldn’t let him speak now. Wouldn’t let him say anything that wasn’t what it thought was the truth. Real truth, reading directly from Casey’s own White Lux. No hiding it. His muscles spasmed without direction as arms crawled him closer. He was in the doorway now, comfort only coming in the resolution that he’d speak the God honest truth.

Through ragged breaths, he began to crack up.

[color=577d06]”What… World do I d-deserve… [i]Anything?[/i] For what I’ve done? I should… Just be dead too. Or, p-put on display. Pluck my eyes out. My tongue. Let them grow back and do it again. For this…”[/color] 

He didn’t know how to forgive himself, clearly. How could he ever accept the forgiveness of others if not by accepting it within first? 

[color=577d06]”I… You can’t fucking comfort this. And that’s [i]always[/i] going to make you feel worthless. You can’t fucking live with that.”[/color] he said through tears at her feet, the ring chomping back down again.

[color=d1b300]“But I [i]can[/i].”[/color] Trisha choked out, trying her best to sound vaguely strong. Near impossible panicking like she was. But it wasn’t like he was doing any better. 

[color=d1b300]“I’ve always been- felt worthless. But I’ve never felt like I might be worth something [i]until[/i] you. Y-You’re talking like that’ll make me feel worse than I already feel! But I won’t. And I’ll keep trying. Maybe one day I will help. Like you’ve helped me… Because you deserve [i]me[/i]. Even if we’re both fucked up. I know you do, you deserve to live, you deserve so much- and I’ll make you believe it.”[/color]

She was speaking like she thought they’d still be together, even though everything was telling her that wouldn’t be the case. 

[color=d1b300]“I hate myself. I’ve lived with it my whole life. But I was starting to not because of you. I can live with it, I [i]will[/i] live with it. But with you maybe it’ll get better.”[/color]

His entire mind railed in the moment as he couldn’t possibly fathom how she was feeling like this in response to the information. 

[color=577d06]”If… I waited until the early morning for Cass to come home. And I went down there. And I [i]fucking killed her with my own hands?[/i] Would you be this persistent? What if I’d just beaten Reyna to death in Leon’s apartment the other day after hearing how worried she was about you!? What if I went along with every little invasive thought that popped into my head on a daily basis!? Would you still try to rationalize it with me!?”[/color]

His whole face was twisted with pain, both physical and mental, as he looked up at her and tried to understand what she felt so that he could actually try feeling something that wasn’t this overwhelming sense of self hatred.

[color=577d06]”You’re not inside my head! And I don’t know how to help you understand that! That… That I love you, and… I don’t [i]fucking want this for you![/i] So why are you so fucking persistant!? Why don’t you fucking… Care? I don’t fucking understand!”[/color] 

[color=d1b300]“I do care! I care about [i]you[/i]. I care that you hate yourself because you did something that you [i]had to[/i]. What evil weapon would be sobbing on the doorstep trying to push away his fiance because he thinks she deserves better?! I [i]care[/i], but I care more about how it’s destroying you!”[/color]

Even through her tears and crippling panic she managed to look down at him. Her eyes were filled with desperation and panic, but also determination. Even as each breath felt like she was swallowing glass, and her hands and feet began to feel numb.

[color=d1b300]“And you [i]haven’t[/i]. You haven’t killed Cass or Reyna. You don’t go along with every invasive thought. Thinking something doesn’t make it real! You’re talking about something I know you’ll never do! Because you haven’t yet… But you believe that thinking it makes you evil. I think it makes you [i]strong[/i] because you resist it. You struggle through it.”[/color] Her hands clenched into fists painfully, nails digging into her palm in an attempt to feel enough pain to bolster herself through this. But she could barely feel it.

[color=d1b300]“You’ll tell me that I don’t know, but I don’t. I know you won’t. And I know I want this for me. I want the man who loves me and makes everything better for me, even when it’s difficult! Even right now I still want that!”[/color]

She wanted it, but he wasn’t really giving that to her. He just couldn’t. Not at the moment, at least. But the pain in his finger was starting to sear his brain as electricity shot across him with every contrary thought that crossed his mind. It was getting exhausting, to the point that he knew he was going to pass out soon. Either he’d end this, or the damn ring would…

[color=34ebb1][i]A Richoux wouldn’t back down just because things are hard. You beat the problem down until it’s flat.[/i][/color]
[color=fc6603][i]There’s no shame in standing back. A man knows when to admit defeat should it spare the troops. That is a quality of leadership, Caseau.[/i][/color]

He curled up tighter, half-consciously dragging himself further into the house while crowding around Trisha’s feet. He didn’t say anything this time… Just started to sob completely, the cold air still blowing in. He didn’t want to deny the comfort, but couldn’t figure out how to feel besides undeserving. Unable to accept.

[color=577d06]”She w-was always Lynette’s… F-fa-favorite… God… I’m… So fucking empty… She di-di-did this… And I… [i][b]God damn me…[/b][/i] Trisha!? Wh-h-how… Why!? Why the [i]fuck[/i] is it l-l-like-”[/color] he wound up caught in a wave of emotion, carried off again.

Trisha dropped down, curling forward and over him. Her face pressed into his back, constant tears soaking into his jumpsuit. She didn’t actually hug him, because she was terrified he’d push her away again. That he’d still leave. She wasn’t going to stop being scared of that… Not for hours, probably. 

[color=d1b300]“I- I don’t know, Casey. I don’t know.”[/color] How could she know, when he hadn’t even finished what he was saying? But even if he did, she probably wouldn’t. 
[color=d1b300]“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that s-she keeps torturing you like this. Y-You’re not the one that deserves to feel like this. [i]You’re not[/i].”[/color]

[color=577d06]”I am! I am, I do, she fucking [i]hates me[/i]! All that effort, Leon gets to walk with a clear conscience because he’s got this fucked up sense of justice, and I get to be the one who lives with Gin’s-”[/color] he couldn’t finish the sentence, opening back up into a mournful wail as he started to pound the ground with his fist next to Trisha.

[color=577d06]”-Her… Little face! [b]She fucking still loved me![/b] In that moment, she saw my face and she didn’t run! She didn’t cry, she didn’t do anything, because she fucking knew! And… How am I supposed to deal with that!? What the fuck!? Why!? She… Could’ve fucking run! And I could’ve stopped! I could’ve, but I didn’t, because for a split second there was a world where she… Defended Lynette… Even though [i]she[/i] put her there herself! It’s her fault, and I suffer!”[/color] he shouted loudly.

[color=d1b300]“It is- It’s her fault. N- None of this would happen if it wasn’t for Lynette. B-Because people want to defend her- And she could t-tell them not too. But she doesn’t! Instead she makes people suffer… [i]She’s[/i] the evil one, Casey. And s-she’s trying to destroy you, b-because she can’t let go and-”[/color] She took in a heaving breath, whole body shaking. He knew, he knew Lynette was the source of it all, but he still hated himself, didn’t he? Of course he couldn’t deal with it… He’d had to do something horrible. 

[color=d1b300]“I wish I could take it away from you. I know I can’t! B- But- If- If- She still loved you… If she knew… Maybe she wouldn’t blame you…”[/color]

[color=577d06][i]She knew. She knew. She knew. The laptop. The screens covering the machine.[/i][/color]

There were other things too. Like how oddly quiet it was. How little they really fought back. Some got brazen, maybe they panicked. Maybe the plan had always been to let the brothers do what “had to be done.” Like they were building a pyramid, but didn’t get done in time, so they were just buried in limestone bluffs with the old king. Maybe it was possible she’d even told them, and that they all just… [i]Understood.[/i] That they said [i]yes[/i] to Lynette, and left it all at that.

And she knew why they’d do it. Gin was smart. She was odd, and she never worked the way people expected her to, but that’s always how geniuses were. And she was a genius through and through. Whatever her reasoning was, she welcomed the end with open arms. And all he could think of now was a world where he dropped the gun, and held her. Just cried then and there. Refused to play the game any further, and let her into his life. Saved her…

[color=577d06]”God… I… Fuck! Trisha… I fucking-”[/color]

He couldn’t fathom putting a whole sentence together, letting his voice trail back off into more sobbing as the breakdown took its course. It was wholly unclear whether or not he’d make it out of this one, but at least for the moment he wasn’t telling her that she’d be leaving.

Obviously, Casey didn’t ever want that to begin with. But, even now, he couldn’t imagine a world where she didn’t look at him like he saw himself. Like scum on top of a puddle in the city.

Trisha shuffled forward a bit, finally hugging him as best as she could. Her arms wrapped around him tightly, trying to offer some kind of physical comfort even when her whole body was in the throes of a panic attack. She was trying to breathe deeper, trying to get herself through it while she helped him get through this, but she just couldn’t.

All she could do was hold him with trembling arms, whispering out attempted comfort and condolences. 
[color=d1b300]“I’m sorry… I’m here… You’re not- it’s not your fault…”[/color]
[hr]

Thankfully, a pattern had long ago revealed itself between the two of them. As with the last conflict, it was only a matter of time before things cooled back down enough that they could be handled properly. Enough, at least, that there was time to start it back up in earnest. He’d long searched for positions that would prevent Trisha from clinging to him, and found that there were no lengths she wouldn’t go to in order to make him feel like she was a new fleshy weighted blanket. 

At least he’d come inside completely.

[color=577d06]”Listen-”[/color] he spoke ominously after having been relatively silent the last fifteen minutes.
[color=577d06]”-I’m… We’re not… Nobody’s leaving anyone. Alright? But, I… Can’t live with the dancing. The compulsion to baby you, or protect your feelings, needs to go. Especially if you want me to feel like you… Really don’t think I’m a monster. Because if you’re so sensitive about shit like what I’m doing or how I’m feeling, how can I ever believe you’re not thinking about how I am and what I’m like all the time?”[/color]

Twisting in her arms slightly, he made motions that forced her to slide off of him.

[color=577d06]”And I’m… Never gonna be honest in turn. Because I’m constantly trying to spare your feelings, when clearly you don’t want them spared. You’re sick. I’m sick. We’re both honest… So, I honestly need to be alone. I needed to be alone last week, and I made a bad judgement call. One I’m not gonna make again.”[/color] he spoke sternly, looking down at her from puffy red eyes.

[color=d1b300]“I told you…”[/color] She whispered, doing her best to appear as if she’d even vaguely calmed down in the past fifteen minutes. She hadn’t. She was still panicking. Because how could she really believe that he wasn’t going to leave when he’d just tried to. How could she stop having a panic attack when she still felt like it was going to happen. 

She also needed to prove that she could handle it. 

[color=d1b300]“Last week. I s-said I can’t get better if you- pander to my anxiety. I [i]wanted[/i] you to tell me how you felt. I didn’t want to spend a week worrying about when you’d snap.”[/color] She wasn’t trying to start an argument, but trying to show that this was what she’d tried to say when they first argued. She didn’t want to be apart from him. But she didn’t want him to constantly prioritise her over himself. Because they were together.

Even if now was the worst time for him to decide that he needed that alone time. 

[color=d1b300]“I know I’m sensitive, b-but I’m trying not to be. I can’t get better if you [i]do[/i] always spare my feelings, s-so… I guess… I’m just agreeing. We’re [i]together[/i], which means we both support each other. Y- You don’t just support me. S-so if you need to be alone, you need to be alone… You just need to tell me… And I need to deal with my feelings and get better.”[/color]

Casey just closed his eyes in return, like what she said had been terribly painful for him to hear. In reality, it was more annoyance aversion. The idea that she couldn’t just say okay, or even remotely try to make it seem like she was stronger in the moment. Everything inside just came back out onto the plate. Ironically, something he’d asked for…

[color=577d06]”I just… Have a lot of things on my mind. A lot of things that I don’t know how to deal with. But, I know that you doing your best to placate my feelings isn’t gonna help me. This all hurts. And I need to live in it, or die. And nothing’s killed me yet, so…”[/color]

He turned his body fully, moving to the bathroom and getting a towel, then upstairs to their room to shuffle around for some basic home clothes before coming back down.

[color=577d06]”I… Wish nothing more than for there to be something you can do. Something that changes how I’m feeling. But life isn’t like that all the time. I’m sorry.”[/color] he spoke to her calmly and quietly before leaning down and planting a kiss on her head.
[color=577d06]”I’ll be right downstairs. No further.”[/color]

[color=d1b300]“Alright.”[/color] Trisha just nodded simply. What else could she say now? Be honest about how anxious it made her feel, even if she still wanted him to go get the time he needed? He’d just feel like she was proving his point that she couldn’t handle it. It would be selfish, in the hope it would make her feel a little bit better. 

She could handle however long it would be, even if she kept feeling like this. [i]Like he was leaving.[/i] She’d been more prepared last week. Because she really was beginning to believe he wouldn’t leave by choice. Then he tried to make her leave. She couldn’t tell him, but it had shattered the confidence she’d started to build. She’d just have to try build it again. 

[color=d1b300]“I hope you manage to feel a little bit better. Just take all the time you need.”[/color]

Though they were meant to be going away on Friday… It would be fine. If he still needed to be alone then, he could go camping near wherever they were staying, and she’d just… Live with it.

He wasn’t sure what he expected, but it wasn’t utter submission. He thought about keeping it in, but if they were being honest-

[color=577d06]”It’s… Confusing how gutting this is. You just rolling over like this. You’d think I’d just want you to deal with it, but now that you’re trying, I just… [i]Know it’s all hollow.[/i]”[/color]

He turned then, letting greyness fill the void between the both of them as he walked toward the door and out. Away. Like he said he’d never do. But all promises could be broken. He still needed the time if anything was going to get done. He had to force himself [i]again[/i]. To decide what he wanted. If he had to go back and maintain the course, or if he meant how he felt about her leaving. About not thinking that she’d deal with this. And he looked out toward the edge of the roof, thinking about how nice it would-

His head turned back to Trisha one last time, then he made way for the door, letting it slam closed behind him, and leaving Trisha to fend for herself in that dark night.

Trisha waited until he was out of sight, before turning around and dragging herself back into the Den. At least all the pillows and blankets were still there, so all she had to do was crawl onto the couch and curl up. She’d get through it… Even if she didn’t believe he’d actually come back.
[hr]
[right][code]Tuesday 19th December. The Temple.[/code][/right]
The dark halls of the bunker structure built under the grounds of the Temple of Charming and Graceful Individuals yawned ahead of Casey as dead eyes stared forward. His feet clicked against the stone floors, and each step felt heavier than the last as he forced himself onward. Nobody was meant to be here today… Lynette was upstate, doing some last minute preparations with Elise. With Project Eden gone, this place was mostly empty. Devoid of life and energy, he could sense the path that [i]it[/i] took on a constant basis. The fact that it was hiding now meant it knew there was a Tiger on the prowl, and that it had to avoid being seen or it would be at risk.

Just like the others. Just like so many others. But, he needed to see [i]it[/i]. He needed to know it was there, and to hear it… And to ask it for what it gave others. What they couldn’t comprehend or understand. Twisting, weaving from hall to hall, Casey was almost at a running heat by the time he made it to the end of the Baub wing, and smack into a sheer face wall. 
But he knew it couldn’t be a wall, and quickly found the electrical signal attached to the switch. Pulling it, the wall swung open into a staircase that brought him further into the Earth. Damp blackness. Deep, dark, then… Candles. Everburning candles lighting the way forward and down a spiral that seemed to go on forever.

Until it was there. Really, really there in all the horror Casey couldn’t have imagined. Pinned to a stone throne via swords through the hands, knees and chest, and bound in time’s unrelenting grip just like the body of Alizee Altiere, was the body of Maxwell Alexander Richoux IV. Gravity Richoux. Casey stared now at the face of his father for the first time in many years. He’d never forgotten it, but now it felt like he could reach out and touch him. He couldn’t… The time barrier would’ve ripped him apart if he tried.

But he could feel his life crumbling. He wanted to hug his Father. He wanted to hear that he’d done a good job, and that all the fighting wasn’t for nothing. That all he was doing now would be worth it later. He needed love. He needed confidence from someone who he sought it from, not who would’ve given it to him no matter what. He needed to be better in that space for her, and for himself.
And at the feet of his Father’s corpse, he wept. And he prayed and begged for forgiveness. 

And in the darkness, now that nobody else was around? Absolution heard his cries. And through his tears, he could feel his Emotional Field being prodded. It was the first time the creature had ever bothered to search this one, finding its familiarity suddenly tantalizing. It found itself mournful in return.

[color=577d06]”D-dad… [i]Daddy…[/i]”[/color] he practically regressed to childhood. To the feeling of comfort which came often after the proverbial whip. The phantom hand on his back brought a chill down his spine. The world faded in turn, until only he and the presence remained. 

And he turned to find a boy. And that boy looked like him. And he [i]was[/i] that boy, staring back at himself. And one smiled while the other’s face twisted in sadness.

[color=34ebb1]”Aw, c’mon, Casey… You know I hate seeing you like this.”[/color]
[color=577d06]”Likewise…”[/color]

Max looked back behind Casey, at the corpse he’d left long ago.

[color=34ebb1]”You’re alive, Kid. And she’s great! You gonna go fuck all that up?”[/color]
[color=577d06]”She doesn’t know what she wants.”[/color]
[color=34ebb1]”You think you want one that does? That knows what she wants? Look at me!”[/color]

Casey’s sadness bubbled back up into rage. A rage that Max could feel, and Absolution did its best to quell in turn

[color=34ebb1]”Ancients above, Casey… You’re burning. Don’t let this be us. Don’t leave it all behind because it hurts.”[/color]
[color=577d06]”Did she really make you…?”[/color] 

There was a pause. It did its best to decipher its own existence before shaking its head.
[color=34ebb1]”I was tricked. Not forced. Nobody can force you to do anything, Casey. But, you can be tricked.”[/color]

And he wept again, as he felt the truth in those words crash against him. That he, just like his father, was easily manipulated. 
[color=34ebb1]”It makes a good soldier out of you. It would’ve done the same to me… I knew that I had to get away from that life. And ran smack dab into your Mother…”[/color]

[color=577d06]”I… Miss you so much…”[/color]
[color=34ebb1]”Honor the life you’ve been given… And be [b]ABSOLVED[/b]”[/color]
[hr]
[right][code]Wednesday 20th December. Home.[/code][/right]

It had been a difficult two days for Trisha. It took long enough for her to stop panicking after Casey left, the attack lingering long into the morning. The only small blessing was it exhausted her enough that she fell asleep for a few fitful hours. 

She hadn’t slept since. It was a struggle to tear herself from the couch after that nap… But she didn’t know when Casey would come back. If he found her there, still in such a bad state, it would all just come crashing down again. 

[color=d1b300][i]If he even comes back.[/i][/color]

So she worked. It was the easiest thing for her to do when still so on edge and trying not to fall off the cliff back into a depressive stupor. She’d forced herself to do it so often. Even after fighting the Stygian Snake, when every night was filled with nightmares, she’d still spent every waking hour [i]studying[/i]. 

It was a bit harder to get into it when the only work she had right now was related to the honey business. Something she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep up without Casey in her life. But after a few hours of trying and failing, she managed to actually get into coding the website she’d been putting off starting for weeks. 

Once she got into it, it was easy to lose herself in it. It didn’t stop her from thinking and worrying, but at least it was a distraction. Something to do on autopilot, something filling up her mind enough to stop her having more breakdowns. Even if she forgot to eat, something she’d planned to force herself to do just to pretend to be coping. 

A whole day, and then night, and then into the next day- she worked on the website, with the only break being the occasional toilet trip or when she got so thirsty she couldn’t ignore it. At least she was making good progress here. Even if Casey didn’t come back, or he came back and had decided he wanted her to leave again… She’d have this. It didn’t make her feel much better. But it was a tiny success. 

She could even use it to prove to Casey that she’d been [i]fine[/i]. Even if a perfectly fine Trisha wouldn’t need to distract herself for every single hour… Would’ve been able to enjoy herself, even. But she was coping. Not having a panic attack. Doing something. It was good enough.

Casey didn’t come home with any great fanfare for Trisha to hear. Nor were there cheers or bright lights that heralded the arrival in turn. He’d spent the morning getting everything he needed to come back here. To resolve this situation once and for all, with the strength of something he never thought he’d get back. It’d all been inside him, of course. All in his mind. He knew that all the Apparition did was [i]its best.[/i] But, it’d seen him. And these were the memories it left him with. And the feeling that lingered was something new that he’d not felt in a lowpoint like this.

He liked to think that it wasn’t the same as going to get help from some Pink Adept. That the Apparition only did what it said on the box… He’d never know for sure. His hair was pulled back away from his face, and he was dressed in clothing that he hadn’t taken when he left. And in tow, he had a laptop, which he gingerly turned over in his hands as he walked down the hall and stood in the threshold of the doorway to the den. His face was full of some emotion easily misinterpreted as anxiety.

Though there’d been no fanfare, Trisha had heard the door when it opened. There was a strange conflict of both relief and anxiety in response, leading to her not immediately leaving her spot. She was relieved he’d come home… But what if it was just to tell her he still thought she should leave? What if they just argued again, and it kept cycling around. 

Her worrying gave him plenty of time to get down the hall. She pushed her laptop away, stretching up from the awful hunched over position she’d been working in. She turned on the spot to face Casey. 

He didn’t look cold like he had before. Or angry. Anxious, maybe? Over what? What he had to say? What she’d say? But it wasn’t the worst expression, it probably wasn’t bad, he probably wasn’t going to make her leave-

[color=d1b300]“Welcome home.”[/color] She said quietly, voice slightly hoarse from lack of use over the last two days. 
[color=d1b300]“How are you feeling?”[/color]

Casey shrugged with a nod as a primary response. Mostly because he’d expected her here, but also to at least acknowledge her question rather than just ignoring it.

[color=577d06]”A way I don’t know how to describe.”[/color] he admitted simply, taking a step forward before letting his knees fall onto the couch. He folded his legs under his body, swinging them over the other side of the lounger.

[color=577d06]”Am I interrupting anything?”[/color] he asked with quiet observation. He needed to, after all.
[color=577d06]”If not, I’d… Like to talk. And to apologize.”[/color]

[color=d1b300]“You’re not.”[/color] Trisha shook her head, eyes widening slightly. She reached out to close her laptop lid. Something done to fill the time couldn’t really be interrupted, even if it was useful in the end. She hadn’t been in the middle of anything complicated anyway. 

She was doing her best to appear calm. The dark bags under her eyes couldn’t be hidden, but at least she didn’t look like someone who’d been crying recently… Because she hadn’t since she managed to pull herself out of her panic attack. Since then, she’d managed to distract herself with work each time she felt like she might. 

That he wanted to talk made her nervous. But he also wanted to apologise… So he probably didn’t want to talk about breaking up, right? 

[color=d1b300]“I was just working on my website… But I wasn’t in the middle of anything with it. Just tidying things up. So… We can talk.”[/color]


He nodded, slowly reaching for her hands. On his own, his ring still sat, clean as it had been, meaning not only did he still feel positive about the relationship, but he had to get to a point where the ring knew he’d take it off and put it back on in order to be cleaned. His thumb ran across the back of her hand as he cleared his throat.

[color=577d06]”To start, I wanna say: The best parts of me chose you. So, if the best me is the one that wants you, then it’s you or bust. That being said, I… I really need you to tell me whether or not you’ve done any thinking about where we left off. Because that’s all I’ve done. And I’ll be honest, I wasn’t alone the whole time. People came, and they asked questions, and so did I. And I really… Consulted anyone I could. But, I realized you… Probably didn’t have anyone you felt like you could go to.”[/color] he frowned.

Trisha nodded. She didn’t. She knew in a way that was her fault… Because she didn’t like opening up to people. And she really didn’t know who she could go to that would actually help. Cass, maybe… But she was too involved. It would make things more difficult. 

[color=d1b300]“I’ve been thinking. Alone. I don’t know how I’d be able to not think… I’d need to cut my brain out, I think.”[/color] Maybe a bit morbid all things considering, but her thoughts never really turned off. Even when she was trying to code as a distraction. She still thought about it over and over again… It just gave her something to do to stop herself spiralling completely. To pretend she was going to be fine even though she struggled to believe that. 

She hadn’t come to any resolution, like it seemed that Casey might have. Because she didn’t know what kind of Casey would be coming back. How could she prepare? Or even think of solutions when he said she couldn’t help him? She’d thought about solutions, had thoughts she wished she hadn’t had, and come back to the same place again.

[color=d1b300]“Cass did message me. But I didn’t talk to her… She’s dating Leon, after all.”[/color] She bit her lip. She wasn’t sure what the point was here. She could only guess.
[color=d1b300]“Is that… Part of what you want to talk about?”[/color]

Casey shook his head in turn.
[color=577d06]”N-no, no… I… Just wanted to know what it was you thought. Honestly, without us sparing one another. I’m not looking for a fight, I don’t want to wind you up. I just… Am genuinely curious about what your takeaway from all this is.”[/color]

He needed to know that she wasn't totally blind to his faults. But, even as he said what he was saying, he realized he was trying to spare her, and bit his cheek before speaking quickly in response.

[color=577d06]”I wanna know if you… Can understand where I was coming from. Not in some sadistic way, just, a part of what I thought about was a way to try and explain to you how I perceive myself, and why I think that the feelings I have make more than just a little sense.”[/color] he admitted wholly, realizing that it could just as easily sound like he was just trying to explain things away completely.

He knew he still had to accept responsibility for his actions. The only difference now was that at least he could do it proactively.

Trisha dipped her head, staring at her lap rather than him as she tried to decide how to respond. She had thought about it. She’d thought about a lot. But she was still parsing through it, trying to figure out how she really felt. And she had to fight the urge to give the answer she thought he wanted.

[color=d1b300]“A bit. I understand why you’d struggle to feel good about yourself after what you did, and why you’d worry about being with me.”[/color] She nibbled on her lip. She was still nervous. Because his feelings included the feeling that she should leave, right?
[color=d1b300]“I don’t think that means I needed to leave. I struggle with that even if I can understand a little bit of why. But- But it’s like you made the decision for us. I [i]understand[/i] why you thought you had to. Because you feel like you’re dragging me down into some horrible life… But it also feels like you don’t trust me because of it. I-”[/color]

She frowned, going beyond just answering the question. But she should just try and say it, shouldn’t she?

[color=d1b300]“I thought about it a lot. You feel like you’re evil because you’ve done horrible things. You think I deserve better. I understand. But I don’t think you’ve tried to understand me. [i]Not[/i] my anxiety. That I [i]want[/i] to be the strong one when I have to be. I don’t want someone who’ll just protect me while asking nothing of me. And it makes me feel- feel like you think I’m just something that’ll easily break. I’m not.”[/color]

Nodding, Casey let his head fall slightly. She wasn’t wrong in her assessment; that it was hard for him to put himself in a place of empathy for her when he’d made his world out to be such a vastly different place. 

[color=577d06]”I’m a little hurt you don’t think I’ve tried. I did. I was. Still am, when it turns out neither of us are terribly strong. Just brave, both of us. We want the same thing. To be the backbone the other is missing. And we can still be that and both come to the understanding that we’ve got a lot of work to do. We both break easy. Lots of cracks and chunks missing as is.”[/color]

He took a deep breath, moving his face to look back at her.

[color=577d06]”But, you love me. And I love you. And you were right before, when you said that was real. It’s not something I could ever undermine on purpose. I knew Gin her whole life. I was four years old when she was born. We were at the hospital there. I held her. Mel taught me how to do up a diaper for a girl, so that I’d be able to help Mom out when Mia was born… It was Gin! And I… Just felt like, if you were in my shoes? You’d hate me. On no other planet would I expect you to accept me knowing I can do that. How could you ever feel safe?”[/color] he questioned, clarifying his feelings as best he could.

Trisha furrowed her brow, mulling over how to explain how she felt. 

[color=d1b300]“I… Probably would have those feelings if I [i]was[/i] you. Because I already dislike myself for less, but… I do accept you, even knowing you could. And you’re right, that part of that’s probably because I’m sick too. But I can also see the whole picture. I can see everything you’ve done for me, [i]why[/i] you felt you had to do that, and how horrendous it made you feel. I didn’t mean to invalidate how you felt then… But I do feel safe with you. Some of it is because of what else I see, some of it’s a gut feeling.”[/color]

She bit her lip, still not quite looking at him.
[color=d1b300]“It’s like… How I view myself. Maybe it’s not a fair comparison, because the reason probably just seem silly to you now. But you can see everything beyond that while I focus on that one thing. It’s the same for me towards you.”[/color]

She was able to talk about it like that because she wasn’t quite stuck in the mire of self hatred. Lingering panic and anguish, but blaming herself entirely for what happened was a stretch even for her. She knew he hadn’t wanted her to leave because of [i]her[/i]... Not entirely. 

[color=d1b300]“I don’t think it was right. I don’t think she deserved to die, or anything like that- but I also don’t think you wanted to kill her. At least, that’s how it looks to me.”[/color]

He closed his eyes slightly, nodding as she spoke. He knew she understood what it was like to not feel good enough. But-

[color=577d06]”If we’re both sick, how do we have a life where we invite happiness in?”[/color]

Pausing for a moment verbally, he immediately shook his head in response.

[color=577d06]”No, no, that’s… We’re… Both forgiven. Absolved. I… Lynette’s out of town. I went to see my Father. Where she really keeps him. And he was there, and I met with… With the Apparition. I asked questions I didn’t have the chance to ask before.”[/color] he admitted calmly.

[color=577d06]”He knows. He says that… Jekyll communed with him. That there’s a high chance she really [i]did[/i] know. That’s-”[/color]

He turned backward, pulling the laptop out.

[color=577d06]”-why she had this open. To the first page of the instruction manual for the whole hive-world diorama machine. Page one. Not fifteen, not five hundred… [i]One.[/i]”[/color]

He opened the laptop, and the PDF was sitting on the desktop in plain view. It didn’t even lock when it’d been closed, meaning whoever used the laptop was either a psycho, or had made some changes before leaving it where it was.

[color=577d06]”I can only hope that he’s right. That she, and the others who seemed [i]ready to die[/i], really did know. And came to peace with it. Because ending all this crap will be that much better.”[/color]

Trisha shuffled a bit closer to look at the laptop screen, before finally properly looking up at him. 

[color=d1b300]“I hope so too. It still wouldn’t make it fair… But at least they would’ve had peace. Not many people get to do that.”[/color] She said quietly. 

She paused for a moment, hesitantly shuffling a bit closer again. She wasn’t sure if she could bring it back to them after he’d said that. But she had to, didn’t she. Even if they’d been [i]absolved[/i] as he said, they still had to resolve everything between them. At least, figure out where to go. Because she wanted to try rather than pretend to be fine.

Even if it was difficult. 

[color=d1b300]“It will be better when it’s all ended… But until then, we’ll need to keep struggling for our peace. And we’re going to… Try aren’t we? Really try. I-”[/color] She bit her lip.
[color=d1b300]“I don’t want to go back to how it was before… When we were pretending everything was fine, that is. Not before when everything was good, that was fine. Even if we’re [i]forgiven[/i] that doesn’t mean we can just not do anything. I- I want to talk about it. I really want to try and be honest about it, even though that still terrifies me.”[/color]

Shaking his head in response, Casey tried to find the words to use when it came to the feeling of trying again. 


[color=577d06]”I’m scared. I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to face your friends after the other day, never mind now. Knowing how it looks… I’m fucking ashamed. I’m still ashamed here and now, whether I understand that I’m forgiven or not. You… Know how you feel about being strong and all that? I’ve got the same feeling. And I’ve been incredibly weak this month. It’s shame. And I don’t know how to come back from that, or expect anyone to trust that I ever could. Because not everyone forgives.”[/color] he admitted strongly, shaking his head with his words.

[color=d1b300]“I can’t- Obviously I can’t get rid of your shame, even if I want to. Saying you don’t have to be strong doesn’t help, because it wouldn’t help me, so…”[/color] She frowned, carefully reaching out for his hands. 

[color=d1b300]“I’m scared too. I’m always scared about what people will think… So I understand that it’s going to be hard if people don’t trust you like that. But I do and- and I’ll be here with you. Even if I’m weak too, and I can’t fully support you like I want to. We’ll work through it together as much as we can… That’s what I want… Even if it’s slow. I just-”[/color] She bit her lip.
[color=d1b300]“I don’t know. Saying nice words doesn’t help, does it? B-But if we don’t try, what else can we do?”[/color]

Casey nodded his head. It was clear in his face that he agreed.

[color=577d06]”That’s what I really wanted to come into this with. That, y’know, whatever you want to try, we will. You did what I asked, and so far it hasn’t worked. All I can do is try my hardest. For you. And for us. And, y’know, stick it to ‘em. When we look back, we can say it’s something we worked out long ago.”[/color] 

He hoped. There was no direct guarantee, but he knew there probably wasn’t anyone else he was even close to being willing to try with. 

[color=577d06]”I don’t know what to do to make it better either. Nothing else to do besides, I guess… Asking for things as bluntly as I can.”[/color]

He paused, mustering his courage.

[color=577d06]”For right now, I feel like I can’t ask anything. Because I took our trust and I killed it in a fit of rage. So, frankly, I’m at your mercy. In my [i]opinion.[/i]”[/color] he admitted as best he could hope to at the moment.

Trisha frowned, looking a little sad. She didn’t want him to feel like he was at her mercy… But she understood. And she should be honest in turn. Because she really wanted to try as hard as she could. 

In a way, it was showing that she still did trust him… Because she was still opening up. 

[color=d1b300]“I’m not going to lie… I am going to struggle to believe that you won’t leave me. I was beginning to really trust it… but it was fragile.”[/color] She hung her head slightly. Because it meant she’d taken steps backwards. She couldn’t entirely blame him, because it means the trust was easily broken. But she’d never ever had that trust before. Of course it was fragile. 

[color=d1b300]“But I don’t [i]want[/i] you to baby me because of that. I want you to comfort me if I need it, I want help- but not protected. [i]Because[/i] I felt like that and- and look, I’m here. After two days apart…”[/color] She let out a shaky breath. 
[color=d1b300]“I want to try… something that’ll mean changing for us both… Well, that makes it sound like something groundbreaking. I mean… I want you to ask for things bluntly like you said. Like, if you need alone time. But I want to be able to say ‘that’s makes me feel anxious, but alright’ without it making you think that I can’t handle it, or you’re doing something horrible. That’s just one example but… Like that. That’s what I came up with while thinking…”[/color]

Casey nodded his head again, patting her hand and waving his own in a rhythmic fashion.

[color=577d06]”Right! Like that… Which brings me to my earlier point, uh… [i]She’s dead soon.[/i] I hate to keep beating the horse here, but that’s got a lot of different feelings behind it. I’m certain you get that. And I don’t need to begin to explain to you how that makes me feel, or what I’ve had to make happen to ensure that it [i]will.[/i] All that’s left is us leaving. It [i]has[/i] to happen. So, there’s no escaping our vacation, and I’m gonna do my best to relax. But, I’m gonna be sad. And I’m gonna seem distant, maybe. But, ultimately, I want to go. And I want to be there with you.”[/color]

He bit his lip in anticipation, shaking his head and clearing his throat as he came back to the point.

[color=577d06]”But I’m gonna need… [i]Something.[/i] I have no idea what it is. I don’t. I wish I did, but I can’t conjure what I need to feel better about things. It’s like a knot that I can’t uncinch. It makes me feel worse about everything, but I can’t help being stuck in it. I’m standing in tar.”[/color]


He leaned in closer, practically crawling into her lap.

[color=577d06]”I did miss you. Just because we were away from one another by choice doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you very badly. I knew if I had that time away, I’d get that feeling. Because I’ve been getting that feeling every time we were apart more than a night at a time last month. And instead of trusting my instinct and putting your feelings at risk, I jeopardized our entire relationship. I… Love you so much.”[/color] he added, looking up at her with a calm expression.

[color=577d06]”I never meant for this to happen. But it did. And I’ll make it up to you. It can’t be right away. So I need your patience. I need your best on my bad days. And I’ll take yours in return.”[/color]

[color=d1b300]“I’ll be patient… And I’ll try my hardest to make sure you get my best on those days. I love you and I… really missed you too. A lot.”[/color] She leaned forward, arms loosely wrapping around him. She was still a bit nervous, even when he was the one that had closed the gap between them. She didn’t want to push and be clingy when he didn’t want that. 

[color=d1b300]“We’ll try and figure out what you need… And even if we can’t, that’s alright. We’ll just keep dealing with it.”[/color] She had her own things that she didn’t know how to just fix, even if the effect on them wasn’t as major. Like her depressive episodes. It had been fine between them, but she never knew how to get herself out of them. It just happened. 

But things felt better. She still felt anxious, because she couldn’t just get rid of that. Not after what happened. But they’d talked. Were talking. There was an understanding they could move forward with. That was good.

[color=d1b300]“For the vacation… It’s fine if you’re sad and distant, as long as you want to go. Just- my actual birthday… If you’re feeling bad, we might have to… Spend it apart.”[/color] It wasn’t something she wanted to say after promising to be patient, and hearing him talk about how much he missed and loved her. But it had been part of her thoughts. Another worry. 

[color=d1b300]“It’s a bad day for me. I’m going to be anxious and upset. It’ll be worse if we set each other off. I’d rather… spend it how I always have.”[/color]


Casey shook his head, frowning widely as he tried to think of a world where he didn’t want to [i]try[/i].

[color=577d06]”And if I try, but fail? What could I possibly do to recover from that? I’m so [i]fucking scared[/i]. I don’t want to hurt you. It’s fucking killing me! I want you to feel like you can always count on me, because if you can’t, what makes me different or better than anyone else? What makes you like me?”[/color] he frowned.

[color=577d06]”Then, obviously, you feel the same way dealing with me! You don’t know what I like about you, but there’s a billion things I can think of! So… We’ve gotta accept things between ourselves like that. I’ve really gotta work on it…”[/color]

Trisha nodded.
[color=d1b300]“We both do… I could start listing everything I like about you, if that’ll help?”[/color] She smiled slightly, a hint of playfulness in her eyes. 

[color=d1b300]“Like you’ve done for me before. And if you try but fail… It’ll just be even harder the next year. You’ll have to try again. It won’t… Be the end of the world. It’s already a bad day for me…”[/color] It would end up worse if she had hope that it would be better, then it wasn’t. But she couldn’t easily say that without making him more scared.

[color=d1b300]“I [i]do[/i] want to spend it with you, because just that would make it better. But I’m worried that if I’m in a bad mood, and I’m snappy, we might fight. I just don’t want to fight.”[/color]

He hugged around her legs, head nuzzling against her for a bit of comfort. It was easy to think that they wouldn’t fight, but what the fuck was the point of being together if they didn’t have special moments like that locked down? December twenty-sixth. Hell of a day to be born.

[color=577d06]”Let’s not think about Christmas this year. Like, at all. We’ll just skip it. This year, it’s just your birthday that’s important. What do you think of that as a change?”[/color]

If it was just one day, he figured he could dedicate that entirely. Especially if it meant that he could have Christmas to do whatever. Whether she wanted to go out or not, he figured they were close enough to some prime hunting grounds that he could head out and just stalk. No time to qualify for a tag, after all.

[color=d1b300]“That sounds nice.”[/color] She said softly. It did, even if she was still worried about it. But if he was suggesting that, it must mean he thought they could make her birthday work. Christmas wasn’t a day she’d ever enjoyed either, but it wasn’t such a personal pain. Just another shitty family holiday. 

[color=d1b300]“I’ve never really been fussed by Christmas. It’s like Thanksgiving… Another day I was forced to be around my family. I don’t care about celebrating it… Especially since I don’t have to be with them.”[/color] Though the Vanburen Christmases had dramatically reduced in size, it wasn’t more manageable when the one person [i]always[/i] there was Tansy.

She leaned forward to kiss the top of his head, words muffled.
[color=d1b300]“Thank you… For being willing to do that. Oh, but… I’ll still be allowed to give you a present, won’t I?”[/color] 

Casey shook his head in return, doing his best to blow past the initial feeling of wanting to please her in order to get to how he really felt about the matter.

[color=577d06]”I’d rather you didn’t… But, it’s pretty late to tell you no if you’ve already got something planned. I… Guess I hate being fussed over as much as you do. It’s hard. I hate feeling like people are doing things [i]for me[/i], or because I’m involved in some way. It sucks. Being singled out.”[/color]

Even though this wasn’t the same case. It’s not like she was overly fussing in regards to the circumstance as much as he was overly sensitive [i]toward[/i] the circumstance. It didn’t help that he was still jumpy like that, but they’d get through it.

[color=577d06]”I shouldn’t say that I’d rather you wouldn’t. I’d feel better if we could focus on you, because it makes me feel weird telling you that we’ll focus on your birthday, but you still want me to get things. I guess I want to make you feel like a princess.”[/color]

Trisha nodded. She understood… Because she felt the same when it came to days where she’d want to focus on Casey. Not just his birthday when it came, but his bad days. It was a similar thing. Even if she didn’t feel like he had to focus solely on her, he said he wanted to. She didn’t want to deny him that.

It was just difficult when it was a gift she actually wanted to give him. Christmas was just the excuse for it, really. 

[color=d1b300]“I can hold onto it, if you’d prefer that. I don’t mind… It just might be difficult to explain to Sylvie, but I’m sure I’ll find a way. And… Well, it could be useful. But I don’t want to give you a gift when you don’t want it. Especially not when I’ve talked about struggling to receive gifts too.”[/color] Though for her, it was gifts that felt obligatory. Not from a place of care. 

[color=d1b300]“But it could be useful… What if it’s not a Christmas gift? Can I just give it to you, or will that feel the same?”[/color] She asked with quiet consideration.
[color=d1b300]“It would… sort of be for me too.”[/color]

Casey nodded his head and chuckled slightly as he thought about all the different holidays and days dedicated for special things.

[color=577d06]”I wish I was better about them, but… It’s honestly a miracle I remember your birthday at all. I was thinking about that the other day. That I’d only ever remember our anniversary because it's on a holiday. And I feel like an idiot because of it. And I get worried you’ll think I don’t love you because I forget or something stupid. I hate the feeling…”[/color] he frowned, doing his best just to not tear up over it.

Trisha leaned forward to hug him again. It was difficult to hear that he might forget her birthday… Because it had been forgotten for so much of her life. But it wasn’t because he wanted to. He wanted to remember and do something for her. She could remind him. She could get through the anxiety it made her feel.

[color=d1b300]“I know you love me. It’ll hurt if you do ever forget on the day but… Now I know, so I’ll make sure to remind you. Just my birthday and our anniversary matter anyway…”[/color] She pulled back a bit, lips curving into a gentle smile. 
[color=d1b300]“I guess we’ll just have to make sure to have our wedding on a holiday too. Maybe Easter? Oh, no, that changes doesn’t it. What other spring holidays are there… Valentine’s day? [i]April fools day[/i]?”[/color]

Surprisingly, Casey nodded with a warm smile crossing his face. It was a day he was usually fond of: The rain, the melting snow, the new life blossoming from the ground wherever it could. Even the snap chills that shocked everything back into their holes. Those were often the best nights. And, it meant they would be able to skip the [i]bullshit[/i] of the otherwise uselessly obtrusive day. 

It was a little more bittersweet now, however. One of the biggest pranksters was gone. And she would’ve loved this being the plan. He didn’t really expect her to touch that nerve, and recognized immediately that it’d been a casual mistake. One he so easily made too. He tucked his head down slightly, but Trisha would’ve been able to see the sunshine that lingered from his initial impression die a rapid death as he moved.

He had to contemplate whether or not he could think about that right now. Maybe Easter would-

[color=577d06]”G-od… Y’know, that little jerk made April First a fucking landmine day. Never knew what Gin was gonna do! F-f… Eh-m… That’ll probably be a good day. For me to remember. I usually paid attention to it, since, y’know I’ve always been pretty jumpy. Pranks don’t go over well. I figure you’re in the same boat? So, it’s great for us. We can ask people to be serious on our wedding day, and when we’re home alone we can just be romantic.”[/color] Casey did his best to stay positive, in spite of the fact that he was very clearly weeping once more. Not hard like before, but the mourning in his voice was clear once again.

Even if he could accept that she knew what was coming, and that she knew there was more at stake than herself, Casey had to grapple with exactly how much he loved her. When they were little, Gin was the first third wheel with Mia and Eddie. She was so close to the family, and Lynette loved her mother so dearly, that there were few times in his earliest memories that they weren’t there. Gin and Ed both understood Casey’s plight. They missed the early boats just like he did. Only, they stuck around. He probably would’ve become an Aberration too, if he hadn’t scrambled away to the only other option he had.

In a way of its own, that was guilt. A different kind of survivor’s guilt. And now it really stung, but all Casey could do was take heart where he could.

[color=577d06]”I thi-i-nk… In a few years. It’ll be fine…”[/color]

His hand reached down to his pocket, pulling his phone out and sliding it toward Trisha without really looking up.

[color=577d06]”N-ow that I’m… C-can you, p-pl-ease delete m-my texts with… With he-r and I-Igor? The-re’s a g-group chat a-and them bo-o-th individually… I c-can’t…”[/color]

Trisha nodded, silently taking the phone from him. She kept a hand over his, her thumb gently rubbing the back of it, while she worked his phone with the other. She knew his password, so it was easy to get into it. She navigated to his messages, deleting the individual messages from them both. When she came to the group chat, her brow furrowed slightly. Unread messages?

It was a simple link to a document filled with usernames and passwords. She had no idea what they were for… But she made sure to save the link in his phone before deleting the group chat too. Then, she removed their contacts. 

[color=d1b300]“There you go. There was a document they left you, with usernames and passwords… I’ve saved it so you can look at it later.”[/color] Trisha said softly, handing Casey’s phone back to him.

At the same time, she moved forward, hesitating for a moment before wrapping her arms around him. If he didn’t want the physical comfort, he’d push her off… Probably. She didn’t know what else to do, after all. There was nothing she could say. 

She probably looked cold to him with her lack of reaction. She hadn’t known Gin anywhere near as long as Casey did, but they’d become good friends in the last two months. She was sad… She just wasn’t the type to cry or scream over this kind of loss. The only time she had was with Martin, and that had been more the circumstances surrounding it. Maybe she was broken for that… Maybe she didn’t know how to grieve. 

[color=d1b300]“We don’t have to think about the wedding date now… It just came to mind. We’ll see if it’s manageable when we get around to planning that kind of thing.”[/color] She continued gently, not wanting him to think she was upset at him for his sudden drop of mood again when she’d been talking about something that, to her, was positive. She wasn’t. 

[color=d1b300]“Is there anything else I can do for you right now?”[/color] She meant practically, really. Like with the texts.

[color=577d06]”W-what kind of wedding…? Y-you probably want the le-least obtrusive wedding we could, huh? N-nobody fussing over you?”[/color]

The question was simple, but at this point, he really did want to think about something that was positive. It was, and he knew Gin thought as much. She’d jokingly asked to get married with them more than once, and to Casey privately, she admitted that she wanted to be their flower girl. Which he’d have been more flattered by if he’d thought for one second they weren’t going to have the chance. 

He knew to cherish a lot more things that were out of his reach now. It was a terrible sting. He’d not left business unfinished with anyone in the Portal Lab. But, Halcyon had so many faces he knew intimately… So many voices he heard daily. Missing them all now was a nightmare that he wouldn’t escape fully for quite some time. That face… That-

[color=34ebb1][i]ABSOLUTION[/I][/color]

Casey shuddered gently as he tuned back into Trisha’s voice.

[color=d1b300]“Mhm, you’re right… But I’m not going to avoid being fussed over if Cass is there, and she will be. Even if I don’t invite her.”[/color] Trisha said with a soft laugh, holding Casey and rubbing his back comfortingly. It was strange that trying to be here for him like this, focusing on comfort and talking about something positive, was helping with her own anxiety. Probably because he was still there, and wasn’t pushing her away. 

[color=d1b300]“I want it to be small, obviously. I [i]could[/i] fill a whole wedding hall with University acquaintances, but I don’t want that. I just want it to be people I’m- we’re- close to. I don’t know if I’d even do bridesmaids, because I feel like everyone I invited would end up as one.”[/color] It was a little sad to think of how few people she had in her life. Her four friends were the only ones she’d be inviting, since everyone else she was growing close to were part of Casey’s life too. Her friend group [i]had[/i] been bigger, with a consistent group of ten of them, but she’d lost contact with the rest since graduating. 

[color=d1b300]“We’ll put a no family ban and make Leon come as Cass’ partner, and Mia and Ed come as Hari’s.”[/color] She joked. 
[color=d1b300]“I actually… Have a cousin I might want to invite. But I’m not sure if I [i]can[/i]. If I pay for her to fly over, the whole family over in the Philippines will hound her about it for years. They’ll probably try and hound me too.”[/color]

She didn’t mean to bring possible family drama into it, it was just where her train of thought went. It was so small compared to everything else that was happening… So petty. 

Casey nodded along as best he could while Trisha went over what her ideal was. In the end, he could only laugh about everything he’d expected.

[color=577d06]”It’s s-so dumb now… Thinking about what I imagined as a kid. Mum made us watch their wedding later on. Lee was a baby. Big goth wedding, the Hunters were there, her tribe was there. The Richoux. I always thought I’d get that  too. That there’d be a billion people on my side no matter what. I still want that. But, I’d probably turn into a mass murderer in the span of a weekend if we did. I’m not sure I’d cope at all.”[/color] he admitted through what sounded like incredibly frustrated tears.

[color=577d06]”Fuck I wish we weren’t both like this… I wish that being around those people hadn’t ruined my brain forever.”[/color] he admitted, more in reference to the military than his own crazy family.

Trisha tilted her head. Did he just mean his family? Probably not, seeing as there was a variety of socialness in his siblings. Aside from Mia, the other three seemed adept at large social events. So it was probably a combination of that and the people in the military. 

She had met some of them when they went for him to get officially discharged. Friendly enough, but she could tell it was just surface level. They didn’t have much of a filter like Casey, but were curter than him… She could see why that would change how he viewed large groups. 

[color=d1b300]“I’m sorry we probably won’t get that.”[/color] She said softly, though she knew it wasn’t exactly her fault. But even if Casey could tolerate such a large event, she wouldn’t want it. Maybe if her whole upbringing had been different… But she felt like with a normal upbringing, she’d be more likely to be [i]shy[/i]. Her family made her dislike massive groups, but she’d also forced herself into large social situations in pursuit of friendships or fleeting relationships. If she had a small, happy family she probably would’ve been content not exploring much outside of that. 

[color=d1b300]“I’d say maybe time around other people will make your brain a little more tolerant of large events but… Even if it did, I don’t think anything would make me want a big wedding. Even if I had this massive group of people, I just… Don’t see how I could be so close to that many that I want them to share such a special day with me… Though I’d compromise, obviously.”[/color] Not that she felt it was likely to be a problem.
[color=d1b300]“It’s not even a specific wedding trauma for me… Honestly, we’re maybe lucky I want to have a wedding with other people at it at all. I’ve been to enough weddings for a lifetime.”[/color]

Clearing his throat, Casey thought about why he felt like he wanted something more showy.

[color=577d06]”I feel… So dumb sometimes. Being jealous of Leon. The other night… The way he just… Was talking to everyone. I got so mad. He looked so happy, and I just… Hated it.”[/color] he spoke softly, embarrassed by the words alone.


[color=577d06]”For a second, I wished that I could do what he was doing. Then, the next one, I was just pissed off that he felt okay. Like it was fun for him. And like he was taunting everyone, with how happy and excited he gets. But, it’s real. It’s just him, y’know? And I’m the evil one… I’m hateful, and I want to rub it in people’s face. Tell them that their shitty little worlds are full of garbage.”[/color]

He gritted his teeth, looking up at her.

[color=577d06]”When you went to the bathroom? That third time, after I made the comment about the olives that didn’t go over well? I was talking to this woman, and she tried to get all fucking empathetic, and tell me about how her grandson passed away out East… And I just wanted to tell her, y’know, ‘I don’t give a fuck lady! Your son’s lucky! He doesn’t have to deal with you anymore!’ But, y’know, y’can’t say shit like that and I just looked at her and… Fucking stuck my tongue out at her. Didn’t answer, didn’t say anything, just stuck my tongue out until she got uncomfortable and walked away.”[/color]

Casey’s face was full of terrible shame and apathy all at once.

[color=577d06]”Because I just couldn’t deal with it. She was just droning on and on, and her son probably died an awful death. And I couldn’t possibly bring myself to care how that made her feel! Because, y’know, the kid’s fucking dead! He’s been dead for like four years now! But it’s [i]her[/i] kid, and she’ll never forget him! But, fuck, y’know? Y’know how many kids I saw die horrifically? Fucking… Done the killing? Everyone always tries to relate through pain, but the real pain’s taking the life in front of you, it’s-”[/color]

Stopping himself short, he looked at Trisha fully with his bottom lip pouting before crawling back into her lap. Positive. Positive.

[color=577d06]”-D-do you want us to share vows?”[/color] he tried to move on.

[color=d1b300]“Hmm?”[/color] Trisha’s eyes widened slightly, feeling like she had whiplash from the topic change. It was difficult to hear him get like that… She wanted to tell him that she was glad he wasn’t like Leon. Because if he was, she wouldn’t like him like this. But he was talking about one of Leon’s good qualities. She understood… She was jealous of Cass too, sometimes. At least they weren’t related, so there was no chance she could’ve ended up like her. 

What could she say about the second thing as well? She didn’t think he was wrong to act like that… But it probably wasn’t what he wanted to hear. And she didn’t understand. Couldn’t, when she hadn’t gone through it. She wanted to try and put a balm on it all and say that it was alright for him to be like that, but who was she to say that? If he wasn’t happy about it, her telling him it was alright would just make things worse. 

[color=d1b300]“Do you mean [i]now[/i], or at our wedding? I’d like to share vows then… It would be nice, I think. Not just doing the traditional ‘in sickness and health’ and all that, but something we both write.”[/color] She seemed to move on with him, before backtracking a bit. She couldn’t just let go of everything he’d said.

She leaned forward to press a kiss against his head, hugging around him.
[color=d1b300]“Also… You’re not evil. Maybe hateful in that moment, but not evil. Your feelings came from a place of pain, after all.”[/color]

So far, he hadn’t put forth any particular vibes that he wanted her gone. She could probably feel him lean into her just a little bit more when she did get close. He wanted the touch. That was comforting. The talking right now was too, at least. But, it was hard to avoid wanting to fight over how he felt. There was a gut reaction that came with being told what he was or wasn’t. There was more than enough trauma with the topic as a whole, and feeling like Trisha was feeding into that made him anxious.

[color=577d06]”It feels evil. But, everything’s gonna feel evil right now. Talking about our future feels evil, even though I know it isn’t. It… Makes me wanna fight about it. So, I’m… Not fighting you. And I’m not pushing it either. I’m gonna verbally accept that you’re being good to me, and accept that in a normal mindset, I’d agree with you. And that I wouldn’t judge someone else for feeling the way I do.”[/color]

He cleared his throat, one hand reaching up to take Trisha’s in a desperate way.

[color=577d06]”I love you… Thank you f-for being here.”[/color]

Trisha nodded, managing to understand what he was getting at. He couldn’t agree with her right now… It made her anxious that she said something that made him want to fight, even if he wasn’t going to. It meant she’d said something wrong without meaning to. She just had to be more careful and learn from it. Especially for when he was having really bad days, and probably wouldn’t be able to stop himself. 

[color=d1b300]“I love you too. Of course I’m here.”[/color] She managed a smile, squeezing the hand clinging to hers. She couldn’t say she was in a [i]good[/i] place, but she wasn’t as close to panicking as she had been for the last week. Because he was here and he wasn’t pushing her away… It would be harder when he needed more alone time, or wasn’t so affectionate. But he was here right now. Even though she really hadn’t thought he would be. It had felt like it was all over- 

[color=d1b300]“I don’t want to fight, so I’ll try not to say something like that right now.”[/color] She continued, head tilting so she was resting her cheek against the top of his head. 
[color=d1b300]“I, uh, appreciate you saying all’ve that. It helps me understand without making me more anxious.”[/color]

She really did, and she could be honest about it. So he felt appreciated. It was a lot of honesty today. Maybe because she’d been so scared he’d be gone. She was always able to be honest in those moments… She didn’t want to go back to that. If forcing herself to talk really helped, she would. Could. She was here. He was here. [i]They were both here[/i].

[color=d1b300]“You didn’t answer the questions about our vows… N-now or at the wedding?”[/color] As she spoke, Casey would feel a wetness against his head, and she sniffed. With the way her voice immediately wavered as well, she knew she couldn’t hide her sudden tears.
[color=d1b300]“S-sorry, nothing you said, j-just thinking about things… I’m alright.”[/color]

Casey nodded his head gently, only looking up at her when he realized there were tears to go along with the sniffle. But, he had to trust that she was being honest.

[color=577d06]”I meant at our wedding, yeah… W-what’s got you bothered, Honey? I know, I’m kinda putting a lot on you here… I don’t mean to, it ain’t- Well, I… It’s alright, y’know? I’m here talking. So are you! You can, you can, your problems aren’t small because they’re mine too, right?”[/color] he did his best to offer her that kind of comfort. That same kind of codependent comfort that he’d been there to give her before…

[color=d1b300]“It’s because you’re here.”[/color] She sniffed, removing one arm from around him to wipe her eyes. She then shook her head, realising the immediate response made it sound like him being there was a [i]bad[/i] thing.

[color=d1b300]“I- I mean, I’m relieved. I was so scared that you wouldn’t come back. I- I really thought you wouldn’t, or you’d try to make me leave again and- I- I know we already talked about it. I just think it-it’s hitting me now. L-like it really hit me when you said ‘thank you for being here.’ And- and I’ve been trying to suppress it all, s-so maybe this is just it all coming out. I d-dunno. I was [i]so scared[/i].”[/color] She trembled slightly, breathing through a heavier sob. It was like the floodgates had opened… But she didn’t feel as horrible as she had in the aftermath of him leaving that evening, when she’d suffered hours of panic attacks and breakdowns.

[color=d1b300]“I th-think I just need to cry it out… Maybe…”[/color]

Casey didn’t move any great deal, rather just holding her as tightly as he could from that position. He was happy to double as a comforting stuffed animal for the moment as he nodded along gently.

[color=577d06]”It’s alright, Honey… We can both do it. Okay? I’m… I’m here. And I know how wrong it was, what I said. How I felt. It… Hurt you. You deserve to feel sad too! B-but, be as strong as you want, y’know? It’s… It’s gonna be alright no matter what! I’m not goin’ anywhere!”[/color] Casey quietly wept, shaking his head as he turned to look upward. 

He did his best to smile, but at the same time couldn’t even come close to hiding that he was crying too. Part of it was elation. Part was frustration at himself. But either way, there was no getting around it in this exact moment. They could only be together with that feeling caught in the middle.

[color=577d06]”I l-love you!”[/color]

[color=d1b300]“I love y-you too.”[/color] Trisha choked out around her sobs, curling forward and around him. She was relieved as much as she was still scared. Because what if she really did lose him… What if next time it was real? She loved him so much, and that truly terrified her. She couldn’t imagine ever being with anyone else.

She was sad about it. It had hurt her, and hit so many triggers that she had. It hurt more because it was him. She didn’t hold it against him in any resentful way, but her confidence had been shattered. It meant her anxiety around abandonment was closer to how it had been when they met… That made her sad too. 

But he was here. He was here, and she could get it back. She’d made the progress in the first place. He said he’d make up for the hurt when he could. It was alright. It really was alright. 

[color=d1b300]“I’m alright… It’s really alright.”[/color] She spoke again after minutes just crying and hugging into him. Her voice was still shaky, but the tears were beginning to stop. It hadn’t lasted long, at least. It left her feeling strange. Relieved but still anxious at the same time. But when wasn’t she anxious? Only when both her and Casey were at their best.

[color=d1b300]“If you’re not going anywhere… Are you staying today? Or do you need more alone time?”[/color] She tried to ask as calmly as she could, not wanting to imply that she was taking it to mean he’d always be [i]there[/i]. But at this moment he wasn’t going anywhere, right? 

[color=d1b300]“Obviously, I’d like to spend the day with you. But if that’s too much… Some of the new types of bees will be… born today. I’d like to show you them, at least.”[/color]

Every little instance reminding him of his mistake drove him crazy. It wasn’t her fault, but she was painfully in his face about it in spite of everything. But, she was asking out of genuine care. It was the same as others who tried to give him similar courtesies that he took as insults. The other night, even; at Cass’ party. He’d only gotten angry in the first place because he [i]felt[/i] like he was being condescended to. But, the “culprit” had only been asking genuine questions. He’d never once known that guy to condescend to anyone. The smile had been joy, that after so many years he was seeing Casey again.

And he’d ruined that over a personal perception. Over seeing smugness where happiness lived. He’d done the same thing before. He’d maybe even do it again! He couldn’t trust himself enough to begin imagining that she could. So, at least he wasn’t shocked about her wanting him close.

[color=577d06]”God, even if I fuckin’ hated you, I’d want to be around to see the bees today. I did a lot of mental pushing last night, especially with how we’re gonna be going away soon. It’s really just, y’know… Down to the guilt I’m still feeling. Like you said, maybe she did know. But even if that’s the case, that’s just fuckin’ tragic. And part of it wishes we were here to see it all through, because I want [i]revenge[/i]. I don’t think a little camping trip is gonna take me away from that. Only focusing on you will, I’m assuming. We’ll put the theory to the test this week. Right? I’ve… Well, I…-”[/color] 

He paused, starting to choke up a bit again as he considered what he was about to talk about. He did feel like a monster, but he’d had  the thought of distracting himself after talking with Norm a few hours after the raid. And Trisha was the only thing he could possibly be distracted by. So he let his imagination run wild with things to do in the area they were headed. There were local shops, a brewery, and plenty of natural surroundings. It was supposed to snow around Christmas, so there was a good chance they’d be able to rent some machines. 

Maybe just one… He didn’t imagine Trisha really handling one of those big Ski-Bidi snowmobiles. Even he didn’t care for them a great amount, but out on a frozen lake, they were incredible. 

[color=577d06]”-I f-fucking… Made a bunch of plans for us. Not so many, but… Something we can do just about every day. I left your birthday open for whatever you want, if that’s okay? If you… Y’know, can think of anything? I’m sure you’re just like ‘Oh lets just stay in’ but, I can honestly just tell you where we’re goin’ and you can find something you wanna do. We’ll even go back to fuckin’ Denver if there’s something there you wanna do.”[/color] 

Casey was right that her first thought was just staying in. But it would probably be better to do [i]something[/i]. Even if it was just a small trip, something to get them out and make it different from most of her other birthdays. It would be nice to do something. Though, she would have to take a look at what there was nearby to decide. 

[color=d1b300]“I like that you’ve made plans for us. It’d be nice to do something on my birthday too. Where are we going? I can start guessing since you’ve mentioned Denver, but you’re making it sound like it’s not close… ”[/color] She said, looking thoughtful. 

She hoped he was right about his theory that focusing on her would help distract him. It felt selfish to hope, but it would be better for him too. Better for them both. Hearing that stopped her from getting tense for the word [i]hated[/i] being used, even if it was in an if statement. He didn’t hate her. And her being a distraction was a good thing, because it meant he enjoyed time with her enough that everything else faded away. There was no need to get anxious about if it didn’t work out, and she wasn’t enough. 

[color=d1b300]“I need to know anyway, because I need to pack. I’ll… Need to start doing that today, I think. We’re going in two days and I take so long to decide what I need… Unless you want to watch me, you’ll have to tell me what we’re doing too. Or at least, what kind of clothes I need. But, uh, yeah… If I know where we’re going I’ll look for something for my birthday too.”[/color]

[color=577d06]”I can magic your wardrobe in your pocket, don’t… I’m not going crazy for this. Maybe I am. I want to just use my magic. I don’t want to try too hard for this. Take whatever bag you want, I’ll hook it up to the dresser upstairs. We teleport into Denver on Friday Morning. We check into the resort at two in the afternoon, which gives us enough time to stop at the Frozen Bull on the way out to Mannard. It’s the nearest big town to a piece of property I want to look at, and the Frozen Bull is the local diner. We went once, between when I finished Basic for the Army and shipped back out with the other Supernaturals.  I remember it being awesome, and if we’re gonna be living near there, I’d like for them to see my face.”[/color]

Casey had pulled his phone out, and had started to twist in Trisha’s arms so that she could see his screen. He’d been looking at the map, and pulled it out to stretch the distance out to their entire trip. Fourteen hundred miles. Twenty hours of driving. But focusing on Denver itself, there was a two hour trip between the areas, punctuated by a world of lush forests and protected wildlands. Their destination was a town in the middle of the Rockies. Some of the highest peaks in America, there were few places Casey could think of more peaceful than being up there.

[color=577d06]”It’s definitely gonna be cold. So, we’ll dress warm. We’re getting dropped off at the airport, so we’ll get our return tickets then, and get set up with a rental car for our time. I’d kinda like to keep what I’ve got planned for out there as a little bit of a surprise, but I’m not just attracted to this place because it’s out of the way. There’s plenty of magic out there for us. People who’ll understand without prying.”[/color] he added, hoping that she’d be excited with what she heard well enough.

Trisha peered over at his phone, watching as he showed where they were going and where they'd be travelling. Once he was done she reached out to zoom in on the surrounding area, looking around where they were staying. Aside from the small town, there was no civilisation for miles. But there were various natural landmarks. It looked nice. Peaceful. 

[color=d1b300]“I’ve never been to the Rockies. That sounds nice."[/color] She said, smiling softly down at him. She realised that was pretty obvious after she said that… Because she'd told him she really hadn't travelled. She'd only been to Chicago for University, and the Boston area when staying with her mom. 

She stopped looking around the map to lean her face closer to his, smile widening. She was excited, around all her anxiety. It would be their first holiday together. Just the two of them, with less directly around them to impact their moods. 

[color=d1b300]“Alright, I'll let you keep your secrets."[/color] She teased, rubbing her nose against his before pulling back a bit. 
[color=d1b300]“I’ll make sure to bundle up warm and be ready for anything. I trust you, I know you won't drag me on anything I wouldn't want to do… like a two day intense hike up a snow covered mountain. Otherwise, I think I'm willing to [I]try[/I] anything. With you. And the diner sounds nice. It'll be good to know somewhere local for the future."[/color]

She looked back at the map. 
[color=d1b300]“I’ll find something I want to do for my birthday. I'd say something simple like a birthday picnic somewhere that looks nice, but I feel like it'll be too cold for something like that."[/color]

Nodding, she continued to ask. 
[color=d1b300]“What kind of magic are we talking about? Just other magical people? Or… Is that one of the things you want to keep a surprise?"[/color]

There was a reason they’d made their way out to this little town all those years ago. The crew he’d tacked himself onto in Basic were a group of Adepts all enlisted from and living in this same town. Most people, he found, who came from small towns tended to besmirch their childhood homes, relegating them to the category of uninteresting or downright traumatic. Which made Mannard unique in a rather abstract way to Casey: These guys had nothing but good things to say about the place. 

Contrarily, they seemed ecstatic when they’d been approved for a furlough back home. Excited enough that they accepted Casey’s request to come along, and showed him that the town itself was more than it seemed. 

[color=577d06]”From what I was told, a few different Covens bought properties independently before the township was established. When they came together, they decided to just hook up together permanently. Because of where it is, and how it’s got pretty much nothing, normal people don’t go out there and settle down. Five or six hundred people in the whole town, and the only non-magical people are the ones who just don’t kindle. And nobody forces them to, or makes them leave if they refuse. They take care of their neighbors, defend their properties from roving Apparitions, and only a few still bother going to Church on Sundays… Which I think is still comforting? To me, magical people going to normal church is… Pretty cute.”[/color] he admitted, talking about the town before refocusing.

[color=577d06]”That being said, I wouldn’t worry about the quality of your bundling. I can compensate no matter what. Winterizing clothes was a basic skill to learn. I had to do the opposite in Africa, so I got used to insulating both ways.”[/color]

[color=d1b300]“So I don’t have to wear so many layers I turn into a ball?”[/color] Trisha giggled softly, one arm curving out around her to imitate the shape. It was nice that she didn't have to worry much about mundane things in that way- packing and dressing perfectly for the weather. Though she didn’t want to just rely on Casey’s magic. 

[color=d1b300]“It sounds like an interesting town. I’m surprised anyone could go to church after knowing about magic but… I didn’t believe even when I was a kid who didn’t know about the magical world, so I guess I’ll never understand. It is pretty cute some of them still believe.”[/color] She nodded. 

Was that why he was thinking about property nearby too? Because there’d already be a magical community within travelling distance? She assumed he wasn’t thinking about living [i]in[/i] the town. He’d talked about getting a large bit of land and everything. But she could understand wanting to be nearby, even if the thought of such a large magical presence made her a bit nervous. That was just her shitty experience talking, though. Very little good experience with magical groups. 

[color=d1b300]“I’m looking forward to seeing a magical community like that. I guess a community like that at all… The whole taking care of your neighbour thing too. Where I’m from, the neighbours compete to have the most well maintained lawn.”[/color] She shrugged with another laugh.
[color=d1b300]“It sounds nice… They’re not going to be too nosy about visitors, are they? I guess they can’t be if they have a resort nearby… How does that work when there’s non magical visitors? Uh, hypothetically, I assume you don’t have the answer to that.”[/color]

Casey laughed as she recognized the chance for him to not know the answer.

[color=577d06]”I mean, the visitors are more than likely out there for peace, right? The main resort is strictly for mundanes, and then there’s other places where Supernaturals can at least stretch our legs. Usually, the rule is that our community yields to greater society, right? It’s only in cities like ours where the magical community starts to become predatory. Because space and resources are so tight, there’s just reason after reason for us to take and take. But out there? Everyone’s got what they need, pretty much. No need to fight. No need to be super nosy.”[/color] he did his best to extrapolate the thought process as to why they weren’t worried about Blinds.

[color=577d06]”Though, I think some of them do still get into wars over whose property is better maintained. But, it’s a point of pride thing that you participate in. Not, y’know, some small scale socio-political warfare scenario wrapped up in friendly ‘[i]competition[/i]’.”[/color] he added, sarcasm dripping in his voice.

Trisha nodded with a laugh. It was hard for her to imagine, honestly. Her whole life had been filled with friendly ‘competition’. From competing for their Dads attention, to Tansy’s constant attempts to steal their partners, to the comparisons with her much smarter cousin back in the Philippines. It was everywhere in her life, and most of what she’d witnessed. Even in high school… With all the cliques. She only escaped it somewhat in University. 

[color=d1b300]“Mmm, so they don’t all secretly hate each other? That sounds nice.”[/color]

[color=577d06]”Woah, don’t get ahead of yourself. I’ve got no clue about their [i]secrets.[/i]”[/color] he giggled, hoping that their secret world of internecine warfare wasn’t the case.

[color=d1b300]“You [i]don’t[/i]? What use are you then? I wanted all the town gossip.”[/color] Trisha joked with a little mock gasp, giggling with him. She curled forward, pressing her face into his hair and rubbing back and forth. 

[color=d1b300]“If the main resort is Blinds only, where are we staying? Do they have a special magic proofed building?”[/color]

[color=577d06]”There’s three. The property’s like eight-hundred acres, so… They’ve got the main building out front for all the normies. They’ve got the event space building out-”[/color]
He paused for a moment, pulling up the website for the place which had its own property map. Pointing at a large field, there was an equally large octagon surrounded by other triangle shaped structures. Clearly the simplified design of a sun.

[color=577d06]”-here. It’s a main stage, and a covered concert hall basically, with concessions or other shit in the outer buildings. They’ve got drapes and barriers they can set up that are seriously crazy magic, and will like… Block sound, and vision. Anyway, there’s that. Then,-”[/color]

He moved the map to another large facility by a lake further on the property.

[color=577d06]”-this is the secondary building for visitors. Payment is a lot more flexible and tailored to the visitor, since they’ve got staff who edit the rooms at a pretty rapid pace. You can get something cheap, and they’ll put you up in a broom closet, or you can get something luxurious. I think there’s a hundred and fifty permanent residents there, staff not included. But, I figured that wasn’t what we’d want. So,-”[/color]

He kept scrolling past, to the other side of the lake and further on into deep woods. There was a road, at least, that seemed to climb a hill until the trees thinned. Along the way, little structures dotted the road, set back sometimes hundreds of feet into the woods. Finally he settled on one whose driveway started in a rocky clearing, curling around the bend of a hill and disappearing into some of the thickest woods around it. The map said there was a cabin in there, but one couldn’t see it from the overhead view the map provided.

[color=577d06]”-I kind of went for the same idea as when we stayed on the island last month. Private, out of the way space. You can’t tell from the angle, but the person I talked to on the phone said this cabin’s the best, because it’s on an overlook where the treeline cuts off. So, you can basically see clear across Eastern Colorado. The windows are all magical too, so you can do things like zoom in. It’s… A two story cottage, fully furnished. Magical connection to amenities, everything’s totally on demand. You’ll be able to access the internet and everything in the case we’re stuck doing nothing for a day.”[/color] he joked.

[color=d1b300]“Oh, good, I’m not sure I can survive without the internet. I’m practically addicted.”[/color] Trisha responded sarcastically, with a smile. It was good to know, though. It meant she didn’t have to bring loads of books to fill any time… Especially if their sleeping, or lack of, continued. 

[color=d1b300]“That sounds really nice. I like how out of the way it is. We don’t have to interact with other people unless we want to, but it sounds like we’ll have plenty of space too. I hope they have a nicely placed bathroom, so we can enjoy a hot bath with an even nicer view again. Or just relax with a book looking out at it. It sounds… pretty perfect.”[/color] 

She leaned forward again to press a soft kiss against his lips, before smiling warmly at him. 
[color=d1b300]“Thank you for organising it all… I did it a while ago, but I appreciate it. I’m looking forward to it.”[/color]

Casey nodded, returning her gentle kiss and nuzzling her as he accepted the praise. They were both good at planning, thankfully. Anything they ever did in their lives together would, at least, be organized.

[color=577d06]”I can show you pictures they sent me of the inside.”[/color]

Maybe she’d forget, or maybe Trisha would take heed that he did not [i]verbally[/i] agree that he was looking forward to it. He [i]was[/i], but not in the same way Trisha was. He couldn’t. He could look forward to little tender moments, the fabled golden chain of memories meant to carry him to the next good time already bent and torn at previous links. He could hope that the plan went off without a hitch.

But, was he looking forward to leaving when there were ulterior motives to it besides celebrating Trisha’s life? No! Did he feel like he deserved even an ounce of the happiness that he’d probably inadvertently experience from simply being in that place with her? Absolutely not. But he’d be there… And he’d do his best not to rob either of them of the pleasure that they’d be able to find, or the comfort they’d be able to take, all the way up in the mountains.