[b] “So,” Evan started, “you guys are familiar with Alex’s Bar, right?”[/b] With that simple question, Jane’s fears were confirmed. She’d be on stage again for the first time in almost a decade. She’d be thrust into the spotlight once again for the world to see. To see and dissect. Chew up and spit out. Jane’s pulse quickened before a reassuring hand from Rob squeezed her thigh from under the table, and she momentarily looked to him and nodded as if to say that she was okay. She was too embarrassed to admit to the room that she had become terrified to do something she had done a thousand times before. Then, tour was mentioned. Jane’s pulse was now beating in her ears so loudly, she could no longer hear the voices on speaker phone. Their last tour was traumatic to say the least, and she wasn’t sure she had it in her to do it again. Yes, she wasn’t drinking or using hard drugs anymore, and yes, they were all older and hopefully more mature. But the four of them being confined on a bus again, performing in front of hundreds of people (or more) a night, fans and media outlets clawing at any piece of their personal life they could. It could be a recipe for disaster. Jane felt woozy. Why didn’t she see this coming? Was she that stupid to think she could come to Orange County for two weeks, write a couple songs, and that would be it? Of course they would want a performance. A tour. Everyone around them was waiting for this cash grab, and Lord knows she needed it herself. Austin and Sam left the room after giving their blessing for the tour. Jane looked up to Rob, and his answer was written all over his face. Another “yes.” As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t be the only one to say no. She couldn’t be responsible for not allowing In Bloom to have its second chance. She had already been the reason the band failed once. “I’m in,” she nearly mumbled, sighing and lifting herself from the chair. She couldn’t give it any more thought or she would back out. “We’re doing it.” [center]***[/center] “And-and what if the band falls apart again? What if I relapse? What if-“ “Jane,” her therapist, Dr. Michal, interrupted, “let’s remember to breathe.” Jane couldn’t tell if she sounded slightly annoyed for taking an emergency session this late in the day. Jane took an exaggerated breath so that Dr. Michal could hear over the phone. “I’m scared I’m going to fuck everything up again.” “You have made such progress since then. You’re five years sober, you’re ten years older, you’ve learned coping mechanisms to deal with stress and your other triggers. There’s no indicators that things will go south.” “You didn’t see me back then,” her voice quivered. “I just don’t ever want to go back to how I was.” “You’re going to have to have some trust in yourself. You keep yourself hidden away from everyone because you’re so scared of what you might do, but Jane, that’s no way to live. You’ve told me how lonely you are, how much you ache for connection. This is your opportunity to get back out there. And who knows, you may find some redemption in it.” The word ‘redemption’ caused goosebumps to scatter across Jane’s body. Had she been looking at this all wrong? The past haunted her, but maybe, just maybe, she could redeem herself. A tour with no drama, no scandals, no crazy antics. Maybe it’d be enough to shift the public’s perception of her and ease the guilt that always sat in the back of her mind. “Redemption,” Jane repeated back to Dr. Michal. “I like that.” She took a real deep breath this time. “I kissed Rob… and then we went out on a date? Maybe?” Scratching at her head, she grimaced. “I think we might be seeing each other again.” “Wow,” Dr. Michal said, taking a moment. “That’s a big development.” “I’m scared,” Jane admitted as she paced around the room. “I can’t lose him again.” While she had obsessed about the thought of getting back in Rob’s good graces and giving it another chance, she had not really thought about how she would feel when she got to this point. Their breakup nearly killed Jane. How would she handle it if it happened again? “Let’s apply our thinking towards tour to this relationship with Rob. Again, you’re sober now and you have the tools you need to make solid choices. You’re more than equipped.” She nodded and pinched the bridge of her nose. “You’re right, you’re right. I’m a new me. I’m not the old me.” “That’s right, Jane. You’re not the old you.” [center]***[/center] It was the next morning, and Jane sat on the back patio next to the pool with her acoustic guitar and a cup of coffee, working on a cover of [url= https://youtu.be/qP6JDLQF23g?si=6oyZnQJ97DA1WoAF] Rise Above This by Seether[/url]. Her journaling had already been done — another entry about her mixed emotions being back with the band. She heard the glass door open behind her, and she swiveled to see Austin coming out to join her. “Hey, Aust,” she sighed, setting the guitar down and folding her hands in her lap. “Hey, J,” he responded as he plopped down in the chair across from her. “I, uh, I’m going to give the green light for the tour on my end.” Austin nodded while his eyes scanned the backyard, not making eye contact with her. “I just want to say, I’m going to be on my best behavior if this tour happens. I never, ever want to go back to how it was, or put you guys through that again.” Jane reached out a hand and grabbed his. “There’s nothing more I want than to make up for the past.” Austin’s eyes finally met hers, and he offered a half smile. “Okay, J.” He seemed tired, stressed. So different from her carefree friend from a decade ago. He didn’t even have it in him in the moment to scold her, which concerned Jane. “Hit the chorus again, I love that song,” he requested, nudging his head at the guitar. She smiled and began to strum. [i]”Call your name everyday when I feel so helpless, I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this, rise above this.”[/i] [center]***[/center] Three hours later, she had uploaded a video of her covering the same song to her new Instagram. Most of the comments were surprisingly supportive, noting that she looked healthy and hadn’t “lost it,” but of course, there were the hate comments. One that stung was [i]”Why is this junkie back on my screen?”[/i] Jane threw her phone into the bed and hobbled out of the room out into the kitchen. They were due to practice for their set for Alex’s at noon, which gave her an hour and change to eat and prepare her voice, something she picked up after damaging it so often back on their last tour. Practicing a full set list would definitely require some warm ups. Rob and Sam entered the house, and she smiled at both of them while constructing a sandwich. “Hi, guys,” she greeted them. “I’ll see you at noon for practice.” And with that, she took her sandwich to her room and shut the door with her foot. After eating, Jane began her vocal exercises. She started with breathing deep like a yawn, over and over. Then trilling with her lips. Then, sliding her voice up and down which sounded like an ambulance. Finally, she through in her headphones and picked [url= https://youtu.be/XHrayfOcEd0?si=S-mX0lOYr7cOvxpw]Walk Through Space by Whirr[/url] to hum to, and she’d keep humming until it was time to practice. Past images of a crowd looking up to her from the stage flashed in her mind. It was so much easier back then when she was inebriated to not worry what people thought of her, but now it was all she could think about. The media torn her to shreds back then — with good reason — and now the thought of getting back out there again was daunting. She’d have to be on her best behavior if she wanted her image to change. Not an ounce of scandal. As she began to spiral a bit, a knock came at the door. “Time to practice, J!” Austin yelled. “Coming!” she called back. She couldn’t lie, it was thrilling to get to sing these songs again—songs she hadn’t sang in years. Jane made her way to the basement where the rest of the band had already convened, fidgeting with their instruments and preparing for their session. She nodded and smiled at each of them, but her eyes lingered a bit longer on Rob behind his kit. He had always been hard to read, but in that moment, she could see exactly what he was feeling because it was exactly what she was feeling too. “Let’s start with a few from Ways and Means then we’ll work on the newer stuff,” Austin suggested. “Sure,” Jane replied. She was adjusting the mic stand to her height. “Let’s do Veins first.” Without saying anything, Sam played the opening riff and the band responded, falling into rhythm like no time had passed between when they wrote the song and now. Jane soon came in with the first verse, and the words spilled out of her mouth without her even trying to remember them. Like muscle memory. She glanced at Austin, who smiled at her as she went into the chorus. Two minutes later, the song ended and Jane turned around to face the rest of the band. Sam looked over the moon. “Well, I think we still got it.”