[right][h2]J̶͙̝̹͖͒̅̂̏͝͝ā̶̪̘̾̇̎̕y̷̗̦̖͊̀̑ͅ’s̵̤̪̰̓͝ ̷̮̤̋̽C̸̭͓̤͓̘̱̑̀̾͝͠ą̸̟͈̯͖͐̉͛̾̕͠t̴̩̺͆̂̓͐̕ḣ̵͉͍̣ȧ̷̫̙̞̐͘r̴̛̛͉̟̓̌̿͛s̴̛̮̞̫̝͉͆̈̀ị̸̗͓͍́͑ș̴̛͊̐̋͝t̸̞͗͐[/h2]
[@Stanifly][@Blademusica76][@silver21][@Tlazolteotl][/right]
Silver Blade never answered. Floriano arrived, introductions happened, but nothing.

Which, fair. Even in a place designed for getting things off your chest, that was still [i]her[/i] story. Jay wasn’t owed an answer. If anything, they might have overstepped. Probably had, actually.

That left Jay with no more excuses and what they’d come here to do.

And, look, Jay wasn’t going to pretend they hadn’t noticed. The chatting, the questions, the keen interest in other people’s problems. All of it had been stalling. Jay had known. It just hadn’t stopped them from doing it.

What was frustrating (and Jay wanted it noted, for whatever record was being kept, that they were fully aware it was frustrating) was that this wasn’t for lack of trying.

Outside of this place, in the version of themselves with a desk and a keyboard, Jay had been trying. Sitting down, opening a blank document, typing [i]What happened was[/i] and then... nothing. The thought just stops forming. They tried saying it out loud instead. Opened their mouth, got the first few words out, and then the same thing happened.

And the thing was, Jay could feel themselves [i]wanting[/i] to think it. Sitting there, document open, cursor blinking, genuinely, deliberately trying to make their brain do the thing it does every other time: think about a thing and then put it into words. And it wouldn’t. Not “wouldn’t” like refusal. “Wouldn’t” like the function just wasn’t there. Like asking your hand to close and watching it just... not.

They tried again later. And again after that. It never got easier.

There was a word for this. A clinical one that started with the letter T and rhymed with “llama.” Diagnostic criteria, a little box on a form, the whole thing. One of those words that changes everything the moment you use it.

Jay didn’t want to use that word. Because using it meant [i]those people[/i] got to have power over them. No. Not giving them that.

“Okay. So. I’m going to try and talk about what happened. Fair warning, I’ve tried this like fifteen times now and every time my brain just…” They made a vague gesture. “Stops working. So just... bear with me on this one.”

A breath. The folding chair creaked.

“It all happened four years ago. I saw an interest check for an RP called [abbr=Names have been hidden to protect the identities of those involved.][i]❀✿❁✾❁ & †‡⚔⚔⚒⛏☠[/i][/abbr]. It was advertised as a historical fantasy with romance, mystery, and espionage. Romance wasn’t really my cup of tea, but the mystery and the fantasy elements caught my attention. Every PC came with a mystery to figure out, which really sold me. It had been years since I last joined a group RP, and with the pandemic messing things up, I was excited about this. Even more so because the RP wasn’t fully figured out yet, so there was a lot of potential for worldbuilding and co-storytelling.”

“And when I say it wasn’t figured out, I really mean it wasn’t fully developed. Magic was supposed to be the center of the story, but the magic system wasn’t actually in place; it was incredibly vague and had little to no rules other than the idea of equivalent exchange. Even the rough era or time period the historical fantasy was supposed to take place in was inconsistent. It ended up being kind of a patchwork of different time periods.”

“When I went to the two GMs, I gave them a list of ideas for who my character might be, leaving a lot of wiggle room so they’d fit into what was already there. The one consistent theme was ’vengeance’ against the king. One of the GMs suggested that my character actually be the descendant of the true ruling family that had been overthrown. The relatives hunted down by the current ruling family, with the history of that fact magically manipulated to be hidden and distorted. To me, this felt like a really big role to have. I was honored, honestly.”

For a second there, talking about those first months, it felt good to remember.

“There were... some things I didn’t realize at the time that would later become a huge problem.”

Jay held up a finger.

“Because a lot wasn’t decided in the beginning, the GMs would ‘officialize’ things much too late, so things that had already been established would get contradicted or retconned."

A second finger.

“The RP wasn’t the plot-driven or structured RP I thought it was. It was a sandbox. No prescribed storyline.”

A third.

“Almost everyone in the RP were already friends or had been RPing with each other before, some of them for years. Which meant they had their own way of doing things. What they considered ‘obvious’ or ‘a given’ wasn’t obvious at all if you weren’t part of this group before.”

Jay’s hand dropped back into their lap. For a moment they were quiet.

“At first, everything was good. Everyone was engaged with everyone else’s things, both IC and OOC. People talked openly about ideas, and any player could chime in if they wanted to. It also helped how open, welcoming, and friendly everyone seemed to be, and how willing they were to try anything out.”

Jay almost smiled. “I remember how elated I was when this player ‘[abbr=Name has been hidden to protect the identity of those involved.]P4r[/abbr]’ reached out to me with ideas for character relationships and interactions.”

Staring at something the others couldn’t see, they said, “...I miss those first six months so much... Sure, there were a couple of hiccups, but overall I thought things were good... I just... I’m not sure when things started going wrong. The RP, the friendships, all of it.”

[center][color=808080]━━━━━━ ◈ ━━━━━━[/color][/center]

[color=808080][i]In every Catharsis where someone still perceived Jay, everything ceased to exist. From whatever filled their space to every sound, every sensation, every trace of anything at all.

Absolute nothingness.

It held until Jay’s voice found its way back.[/i][/color]

“...Sorry, I…”

Jay pressed both hands to their face and dragged them down slowly.

[center][color=808080]━━━━━━ ◈ ━━━━━━[/color][/center]

[hider=What is Perceived][color=808080]
Experienced by anyone who perceives Jay’s presence in their Catharsis: everything in their Catharsis ceases to exist. It lasts until Jay speaks again.
[/color][/hider]