[color=gray][h3][sup][sup]Being dragged down the stairs and dropped, being held like she was nothing, her resistance less than meaningless to her attacker—she felt terror and rage pulling her heart into her throat and into the pit of her stomach like thundering putty. She couldn’t sit still; the cacophony of revulsion nauseated her. And then the bastards left, and she, out of her mind in shock, accepted the same condolence pill everyone else had. The worst part? It was such a relief. It was infuriating. She didn’t think to try and puke it up until it was too late to want to resist. She didn’t feel her heart in her throat. She didn’t feel the dread or the hatred. She didn’t feel. She could barely—.

And she lost the momentum again. The assurances felt good. Things would all work out. What would work out? Hard work? She had worked hard. And there would be pizza. She was wrestling to sit straight, to sit upright, to feel what she needed to feel. She shouldn’t feel fine. She needed to focus. She needed to—to—she was so tired. It felt nice. She never wanted it to end. Her heart was quiet. Her spirit was calm. She couldn’t think enough to reflect or want or string together everything she should have felt. There was no knowing. Only being. She drifted away as Sunny’s babbling melted into nonsense. Then nothing. Things would be okay, yes. She was so tired.

The kiss. The hug. So familiar. Almost soothing. Almost right. She was home. Like it was all just a bad—Sunny. Right. It would never be the same. No mother. No family. Just…Sunny.

Chunxin’s eyelids pulled downwards. Her arms felt like sandbags. She was like a ragdoll, looking past Sunny. Her eyes fell into the crevices of the smoke-stained popcorn ceiling. And in that moment, she was struck by a realization she’d spent months trying to avoid. This, right here, felt so much better than trying. This was what made people into lambs for the slaughter. Peace in a pill. It was too simple. She’d always known it, intellectually, and avoided it lest she lose her will, but now that she’d accidentally accepted it, she stared temptation in the face.

Sunny smiled at her warmly. She told her and everyone else sweet nothings about cleaning things up herself, that all they’d need to do was decide what pizza they wanted, that they could have whatever they needed to feel better.

It felt biblical. Pleasure to drown out the inevitable pain. Treats for every torture yet to be endured. If she could only muster terror or outrage, it would have roared alive as it had many times that day. But Chunxin simply sighed. She stared into the buzzing light, drowning out all the commotion that filled the room with Sunny’s departure, and grasped languidly and desperately at enough clarity to appreciate her situation. Like fighting a paralysis of the soul. All she won was the creeping dread that she might want to embrace it.

A hand on her hand dragged her back into the hazy reality. The words that came from the hand’s owner were nonsense. Chunxin squinted and rallied her focus.

“Gen, you alright?” Fi asked again. Chunxin retreated into her own neck. “You’ve never had a full dose, have you?”

For some amount of time, Chunxin managed to pull her focus back to the buzzing light. She couldn’t lose sight of another target. This stuff was so good. No wonder everyone else seemed so relieved to find out they’d be getting it like candy. But not her. She couldn’t dwell on it. She had to stay—.

“You should drink something.” Fi shoved a glass of tap water in front of her face. Chunxin turned up her nose and tried to keep from looking. Fi continued, “It’s gonna hurt like a motherfucker if you keep staring at that light. I’m sure you’ve got a lot going on in there. But nothing’s gonna make sense right now. It just won’t.”

Chunxin refused the glass again. She shut her eyes and turned her nose. Fi sighed. “Look, Gen…tonight’s gonna be about the best it’s ever gonna get. Take it or leave it, but if I were you, I’d try to enjoy the time I have left before it all goes to shit.”

Chunxin pulled her head back incredulously. “Fuck you mean?” she wheezed. 

“It can always get worse. And it will. So try to enjoy whatever you can while you still have it in you to enjoy anything.”

Fi extended her hand. Chunxin hesitated. She finally took it right as Fi began to withdraw. Fi helped Chunxin up and gave her support as they trudged upstairs.[/sup][/sup][/h3][/color]