[b]IDIOT FOOD: S^5[/b]

This is called 'idiot food' for a few reasons. One, because idiots (like yours truly) can usually cook it, because it requires no forethought and no preparation, and very little practice. Second, because idiots (like yours truly) will tend to like it, because it's bursting with idiot flavors, like 'sauce' and 'good.' Last, because even though it's called 'S^5,' there's really only three s-words involved (four, if you add 'shitty'), and anyone who understands pasta will think you're stupid for calling it this. I can't change that. S5 is catchy. S5 [i]rules[/i]. Suck on that, mafia. Sort of like the steak post this is partly directions and partly entertainment, so you know, if you didn't like that other one, then eat me. 

[b]WHAT IS IT[/b]

S^5, or S5 for short, stands for 'Spicy Sausage Spinach Spaghetti Surprise.' There's no spaghetti in it -- that's one of the bullshit letters I was talking about. It's a pasta with meat sauce, essentially, but there's green shit in there for self-conscious people. Here's what you need:

[*]1 lb pasta (I use Farfalle, aka Bowtie Pasta. You can make it with ravioli, too, but then you need to be more picky about what kind of sauce you're using, because it runs off easier)[/*]
[*]1 roll of 'Spicy Sausage.' See what I mean by idiot food? Jimmy Dean practically boiled your water already. If you want to do it yourself, red peppers, jalepenos, whatever you can handle.[/*]
[*]1 can of 'Spinach.' If you prefer fresh, alright, whatever, use about a can's worth of FRESH spinach. You're about to ingest so much pork that you can pretty much forget about the health benefits, so stop fooling yourself.[/*]
[*]1 bottle of 'Diavolo' Sauce. It's spicy marinara, okay, Diavolo is like latin for 'pretty spicy' or something. I don't know. If you can't find it, 'Arrabiata' is basically the same thing but in german. This is the 'Surprise' ingredient. Shocker. Tomato sauce on a pasta. EVERYONE IS SURPRISED!![/*]
[*]1 bottle of beer. You should always drink while cooking. You'll think you're cooking better, and therefore, gain the confidence necessary to cook better. Or you'll just have a beer. Either way.[/*]

[b]WAT DO[/b]
 
So basically what you're going to do is cook all of this shit and throw it together. I KNOW -- THAT SOUNDS LIKE WICKED COMPLICATED. It's easier than you probably think, and that's pretty easy. You need a pot of water and a saucepan (that's a pan for cooking bacon). When you put the water on the heat, that's also when you should start cooking the sausage. Cooking sausage is pretty idiot proof, but you can scorch it if you're lazy -- dump it in the saucepan, set phasers to 'stun,' chop at it with a spatula pretty regularly and flip your pile of ground-up mush whenever you see a red spot. Eventually it'll all be brown (if it smells burnt, congratulations, you ruined everything, go drink a bottle of acid). [i]Probably[/i] about halfway through cooking the sausage is when your water should start boiling, ballpark. Throw in your fake spaghetti and keep playing with your sausage. 

You'll have to stir the pasta some while the sausage is still going -- that's right, we're bringing your multitasking counter up to [i]TWO[/i], ladies and gents, try not to fall behind. After a few minutes of doing two things at once, your sausage will be done. Drain as much fat as you can and put it back on the heat (maybe turn it down just a tick). This is where you dump in your sauce and your spinach -- and also I forgot, you were supposed to drain as much gross-spinach-juice out of your can as possible, so go back in time, and do that, and then dump it in the saucepan. Good job. Maybe go kill hitler while you're at it. Awesome. Okay, so now your sauce ingredients are stewing together and forming one giant superflavor. You should try to have the sauce bubbling right about the same time as your pasta finishes, which for me means low-medium heat. 

Strain your pasta, dump it back into the pot, and dump your sauce on top. Stir it up real good. You can dump in some cheese too, but try not to ruin it -- you probably don't want as much parmesan as you think, and you definitely don't want cheddar. Probably jack I guess, or colby-jack, or whatever they're selling, I don't care, you don't need cheese. All that's left is shoveling the whole mess into your face and dying a slow death from whatever diseases sodium causes. Yeah. You've got 'em. That's it, that's the whole recipe, go away now.