[quote=NoahFire]
Rate me outa 10
[/quote]

Alright. But it'll be a fair rating.
You lose 1 point for spelling. Sorry, I'm a grammar nazi like that.
I like the story overall, but nothing is explained. It does well as a short story, but I prefer knowing WHY things are happening. Another 1/2 point.
Your story structure is decent, but slightly off. This is a thing you can't help, and I'm not great at it either. Two points, as this is the most important part of the story.

Overall, I give you a 6,5. Now that may seem low, but realize I'm comparing you to PROFFESIONAL WRITERS. And still you score higher than average.