[quote=Automaton]
Do you mind if i re-write this Entry?.
[/quote]

Rewriting it would be a good idea. Also, be sure to try and improve the grammar a little bit. Punctuations such as commas and periods where they need to be is important. On top of this, try to work on detail, it makes for a more interesting story and character and makes it more enjoyable to interact with your character cor other RPers.

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I just realize how much I sound like an English teacher...