I’m so American, I once hatched a baby bald eagle and raised it as my own. When it grew up to be a proud patriotic adult, I set it free so that it may get a job, marry a woman and raise a family like any proper American should. One day he came back, and took me to a great mansion in the sky. This was the home of bald eagles. We then proceeded to party, drinking many beers, eating tons of big macs, and having copious amounts of sex with bikini models. After the party, I was then made the ruler of the bald eagles.