Lucien ran from the cave to the deepest, darkest place within the Colony he could think of. Commonly called the River Bank, that place was deemed far to dangerous for the humans to use; as useful as the fresh waters might be, the drop off was far too treacherous for anyone to even attempt. Once in someone fell into the water, there was no getting out without some rescuer with a rope and secure footing. The water came from the high mountains far to the east. Insulted stone and strata helped to keep the river near freezing, and the cavern was the coldest place in the entire cave system. He found himself there in the pitch blackness, standing upon the sole flat precipice above the waters. Even through his heavy wool sweater, Lucien shivered. 

For the third time in his life, the world has he had come to know it had been shattered. The first had been the robotic rebellion that claimed his family and friends while he had managed to slip away. The second had been the loss of the woman he loved. Now the third: that woman's return and all the horrors that entailed. Lack of sunlight and the constant stress of avoiding death or capture while searching for supplies for some fifty humans had finally broken his spiritual back, Cassie being the proverbial straw. All he could think of now was escape. A final escape. He swallowed to try and clear the lump in his throat as he thought about the release that awaited him. He wouldn't drown, he was sure of that. Or rather, he wouldn't be conscious of drowning. The waters were born of melting ice and snow, and hypothermia would do him in long before the waters filled his lungs and stole away the precious air. Even before his body might be dashed upon the rocks within those speedy rapids and carried further underground where there was no air at all anymore. That would be the best way to end it, he had decided; let the cold water seep away his warmth to leave him numb and unable to think. 

Before he could jump, Cassie's voice echoed about the cavern. Lucien closed his eyes, not wanting to listen but unable not to. She forgave him. What a joke. She had no memory of them, nothing solid, so how would she know forgiveness??

"You don't understand," he called back with chattering teeth. "I. Gave. Up. Without you... there just wasn't any point, Cassie. I tried, I mean... I really tried to hold it together. I used...every excuse to try and keep on looking for you, even after Uncle called it quits. i thought... even if I couldn't rescue you... I could at least join you. Or get killed and not have to deal with it anymore. It... it just hurt too fucking much, Cassie." Lucien sniffed. "Toni will tell you I started sleeping with Pony then, but it's a lie. She started taking care of me because I wasn't taking care of myself. Then after... after you were declared lost, I had no one else to turn to but her. I failed you, and I failed myself, and I told myself it didn't matter because the only person worth being anyone for... had been you. And you were gone."

He laughed bitterly then. "But now... here you are again! And all I can do is... feel guilty. I should be dancing up and down, and shouting and jumping and hugging you... but I can't feel any of that. All I can feel is... how much I hate myself. I hate that I let you get captured, I... hate that I meant so much to you that you slammed that security door in my face to save my life. It didn't even have a glass window in it, Cassie. I couldn't even see your face to say goodbye! I hate what I've become, and I hate what they did to you, and I hate that you can't remember me, and I hate that I can't do anything about any of it."

"So give me a reason," he pleaded, "Give me one... good... reason why I shouldn't just jump and get it over with."