Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by Teyao
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@Teyao: What I find a bit more problematic is how the character just doesn't fit in thematically with the rest of the cast at the given point in time in the story we're starting at (read: the start of the 'game's' story). There's no clean way to integrate the character into the RP for the first who knows how long, and if I'm going to be completely honest here it's fairly unlikely that forcing them into the cast would lead to anything productive. Sorry.


Thats fair dude and It was in fact something that I genuinelly didn't think about.
Say if I adapted him to join the cast better would It have some other problem or was that the only one you found?
Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by FujiwaraPhoenix
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@MagusDream: Ah, makes sense. I just double-checked and realized it was "broken" HTML instead of BBCode, so my bad on not realizing that was intentional. Anyways, all good now. Accepted.

@Teyao: That... I mean, the problem is that the concept of the character means that I can't effectively judge it in the first place. I'd personally recommend scrapping the form altogether and starting from scratch, if anything.
Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by Teyao
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@Teyao: That... I mean, the problem is that the concept of the character means that I can't effectively judge it in the first place. I'd personally recommend scrapping the form altogether and starting from scratch, if anything.


Kay dude! I think I got an idea on how to preserve the basic premise (a Male dancer) while changing everything else
Hidden 2 yrs ago 2 yrs ago Post by FujiwaraPhoenix
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Uh... Yeah, I think that fundamentally that probably won't work out just by concept alone, but... You certainly can try.
In the interim, here's a Discord server. While I can say with a fair bit of certainty that I'll respond here just as fast, this might expedite communications a bit. Not mandatory, of course, but the option is here.
Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by Crusader Lord
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@Crusader Lord: Honestly, my biggest problem with this character is the weird (and maybe accidental?) suicidal ideation that the character portrays. It's one thing to pass away due to an accident or being a victim of some crime and be given a second chance, but to willingly take one's own life and, in essence, be rewarded for that?
...Yeah, doesn't sit right with me. I'll concern myself with the rest after that bit's fixed.


Oh no nonononononononono, that was not intended! I had just hoped for her to have a happier life in a new world. Not idealize, er, 'that'. Genuine accident on my part. Apologies. (T_T)

I have revamped and fixed her app! Should be looking better now in that regard, and a few others perhaps, I hope! :D
Hidden 2 yrs ago 2 yrs ago Post by Raineh Daze
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Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by FujiwaraPhoenix
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@Crusader Lord: Updated form accepted.
1x Thank Thank
Hidden 2 yrs ago 2 yrs ago Post by Teyao
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Uh... Yeah, I think that fundamentally that probably won't work out just by concept alone, but... You certainly can try.
In the interim, here's a Discord server. While I can say with a fair bit of certainty that I'll respond here just as fast, this might expedite communications a bit. Not mandatory, of course, but the option is here.


Okay dude, I re-did the character in a hopefully better positive to join the cast at this point, please tell me if there are problems with any part of it.

Edith: It's on the same post as the original submission
Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by FujiwaraPhoenix
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@Teyao: Right. Form analysis:
  • Personality. It's short. Like, really short. These three sentences alone don't give enough information about the character in my opinion; it's way too generalized and doesn't really build upon what little groundwork is set. Nothing plays into the way that the character is conceptualized beyond being a bit... 'Tropey', per se? That's also not getting into how hollow it feels without that elaboration; all three sentences feel like they want to 'start' explaining how the character acts, but none of them actually DO anything with that lead-in.
  • Abilities and Skills. Undefined charm magic which he excels at? No. No. No. Absolutely not. Things like that are a one-way ticket to removing agency from other players' hands and possibly forcing their actions, and without any clear boundaries or limitations (or some sort of conversation defining them) I will always deny that on principle. That rule applies here as well.
  • A general thing before getting into detail here: Every single 'paragraph' here is a sentence. A single sentence. Each. By definition, yes, a sentence can be a paragraph, but none of those 'ideas' at the core of each is ever built upon. Some sentences are incomplete, some run on for longer than necessary, and others still have errors in grammar that would otherwise make reading them somewhat difficult if the readers aren't inferring context or actively breaking up the sentences such that they are easy to digest. Given that we're all going to be reading and writing with posts from others at their core (as this is inherently a sort of call-and-response type of hobby writing), I'm left a bit worried that there might not be enough to gain from a post with this sort of writing to leave others with a sense of satisfaction in what they write—in other words, that the posts might not reach the general standard that everyone else's posts would be at here. This is only my opinion, of course, and I do not speak for everyone else with that statement. With that said, let's get into the next few sections.
  • History: Can a) be collapsed into a single paragraph and b) does absolutely nothing in terms of defining who the character was or is up until this point in time (with 'this point in time' being the start of the RP). It's incredibly shallow and gives us absolutely no meaningful insight into the character, on top of the lack of information the readers might have otherwise been able to gain from the other sections. Speaking of which:
  • Original Role/Background: Right, where to begin here...
    • As mentioned two points above, readability.
    • The backstory itself is a bit... Nonsensical? To sum it up as I see it: the son of a viscount, at the age of ten, sneaks out to watch a wandering troupe. Without any context as to why their son would be interested in dance all of a sudden, his parents sign him up for dancing—presumably ballroom dancing, as he is still nobility, and not any of the dances of the 'common folk' or those from 'more exotic lands' which I would have assumed he would have seen instead—but somehow see that he cares more about 'freedom' (which, honestly speaking, how would you do that with regards to ballroom dancing? Actively breaking the rules of the dance itself?) and stop?
      It just doesn't add up why a majority of these events would line up in the first place when we consider the type of nobility you paint the character's parents to be (that is, to say, the type that seeks honor, fame, and status among their peers). Reasonably, he never would've been given a chance to 'learn' what you're proposing in the first place—at least, not with the given scenario—and thus would not reasonably exist in this specific setup.

    Needless to say, I'll be rejecting this form for the reasons given above.
Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by Teyao
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@Teyao: Right. Form analysis:
  • Personality. It's short. Like, really short. These three sentences alone don't give enough information about the character in my opinion; it's way too generalized and doesn't really build upon what little groundwork is set. Nothing plays into the way that the character is conceptualized beyond being a bit... 'Tropey', per se? That's also not getting into how hollow it feels without that elaboration; all three sentences feel like they want to 'start' explaining how the character acts, but none of them actually DO anything with that lead-in.
  • Abilities and Skills. Undefined charm magic which he excels at? No. No. No. Absolutely not. Things like that are a one-way ticket to removing agency from other players' hands and possibly forcing their actions, and without any clear boundaries or limitations (or some sort of conversation defining them) I will always deny that on principle. That rule applies here as well.
  • A general thing before getting into detail here: Every single 'paragraph' here is a sentence. A single sentence. Each. By definition, yes, a sentence can be a paragraph, but none of those 'ideas' at the core of each is ever built upon. Some sentences are incomplete, some run on for longer than necessary, and others still have errors in grammar that would otherwise make reading them somewhat difficult if the readers aren't inferring context or actively breaking up the sentences such that they are easy to digest. Given that we're all going to be reading and writing with posts from others at their core (as this is inherently a sort of call-and-response type of hobby writing), I'm left a bit worried that there might not be enough to gain from a post with this sort of writing to leave others with a sense of satisfaction in what they write—in other words, that the posts might not reach the general standard that everyone else's posts would be at here. This is only my opinion, of course, and I do not speak for everyone else with that statement. With that said, let's get into the next few sections.
  • History: Can a) be collapsed into a single paragraph and b) does absolutely nothing in terms of defining who the character was or is up until this point in time (with 'this point in time' being the start of the RP). It's incredibly shallow and gives us absolutely no meaningful insight into the character, on top of the lack of information the readers might have otherwise been able to gain from the other sections. Speaking of which:
  • Original Role/Background: Right, where to begin here...
    • As mentioned two points above, readability.
    • The backstory itself is a bit... Nonsensical? To sum it up as I see it: the son of a viscount, at the age of ten, sneaks out to watch a wandering troupe. Without any context as to why their son would be interested in dance all of a sudden, his parents sign him up for dancing—presumably ballroom dancing, as he is still nobility, and not any of the dances of the 'common folk' or those from 'more exotic lands' which I would have assumed he would have seen instead—but somehow see that he cares more about 'freedom' (which, honestly speaking, how would you do that with regards to ballroom dancing? Actively breaking the rules of the dance itself?) and stop?
      It just doesn't add up why a majority of these events would line up in the first place when we consider the type of nobility you paint the character's parents to be (that is, to say, the type that seeks honor, fame, and status among their peers). Reasonably, he never would've been given a chance to 'learn' what you're proposing in the first place—at least, not with the given scenario—and thus would not reasonably exist in this specific setup.

    Needless to say, I'll be rejecting this form for the reasons given above.


Okay dude, thanks for giving it a chance
Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by LostDestiny
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LostDestiny Goldfish Brain

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I know yall have already started but I was wondering if you had room for one more?

I have the basic idea of a character that was a courier NPC before. Not sure if that would fit in well if you still have an opening.
Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by FujiwaraPhoenix
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@LostDestiny: I would say that we're still open, but my problem with your concept is that we sorta already have a few characters who are "incidentally" tied up with the characters, and so overfilling that niche might be a problem in and of itself.
Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by LostDestiny
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@PKMNB0Y OKay well, I don't have any other concept in mind right now cuz I kinda hate "grandeous" character sooo. Thanks anyway.
Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by Shiyonichi
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I’ve got my interest in this RP. Room for one more?
Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by FujiwaraPhoenix
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@Shiyonichi: Yeah, I'd say there's room for more.
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Hidden 2 yrs ago 2 yrs ago Post by FujiwaraPhoenix
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@Shiyonichi: Right, form analysis...
  • I think at her core, your character is a bit too tonally dissonant from the rest of the cast. I can feasibly see child soldiers in the criminal underbelly; that's a very commonplace thing. But the specific circumstances behind the character's inception (the whole kodoku-esque creation method in particular) leaves a bit of an unwanted taste in my mouth, as the very specific trait of "possibly bloody psychopath hitman child murderer" with no real narrative weight behind it isn't something I think would fare well in the world...
    And, if I'm going to be honest, feels a bit one-note as written. A boss with a high difficulty spike who appears out of nowhere with no real meaningful history feels more like... Well, just that. I'd point to, say, SMT3's Matador, for example. People remember that boss because you're forced to fight them on the back foot and kind of just sucker punches you because you don't expect them, but otherwise isn't exactly memorable as a character.
  • The circumstances behind her entry into the school in this 'timeline' feel a bit contrived. While I would agree that she would need an excuse to get off the streets to attend, "saving the headmaster's kid and getting adopted by him as a result" seems a bit too convenient. There are probably better, more reasonable routes to doing so that would lead to a character who ended UP with a reputation as a damn good killer (and you don't need to be put into a tournament to the death to facilitate being good at killing, if I'm being completely honest; it gets you the person who is the best at surviving, not killing), and I'd recommend considering those routes. Easy examples include things like "forced nobility to adopt her into the family" or "missing child now found" and so on and so forth, but I'm not going to force anything in that regard.


For the reasons above, I'm choosing to reject the form as it is right now.
Hidden 2 yrs ago 2 yrs ago Post by Shiyonichi
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@Shiyonichi: Right, form analysis...
  • I think at her core, your character is a bit too tonally dissonant from the rest of the cast. I can feasibly see child soldiers in the criminal underbelly; that's a very commonplace thing. But the specific circumstances behind the character's inception (the whole kodoku-esque creation method in particular) leaves a bit of an unwanted taste in my mouth, as the very specific trait of "possibly bloody psychopath hitman child murderer" with no real narrative weight behind it isn't something I think would fare well in the world...
    And, if I'm going to be honest, feels a bit one-note as written. A boss with a high difficulty spike who appears out of nowhere with no real meaningful history feels more like... Well, just that. I'd point to, say, SMT3's Matador, for example. People remember that boss because you're forced to fight them on the back foot and kind of just sucker punches you because you don't expect them, but otherwise isn't exactly memorable as a character.
  • The circumstances behind her entry into the school in this 'timeline' feel a bit contrived. While I would agree that she would need an excuse to get off the streets to attend, "saving the headmaster's kid and getting adopted by him as a result" seems a bit too convenient. There are probably better, more reasonable routes to doing so that would lead to a character who ended UP with a reputation as a damn good killer (and you don't need to be put into a tournament to the death to facilitate being good at killing, if I'm being completely honest; it gets you the person who is the best at surviving, not killing), and I'd recommend considering those routes. Easy examples include things like "forced nobility to adopt her into the family" or "missing child now found" and so on and so forth, but I'm not going to force anything in that regard.


For the reasons above, I'm choosing to reject the form as it is right now.


Ah sorry, I didn’t get my idea across too well. You know how you have a flash of inspiration and because you’re so caught up in it that you forget to make it clear to other people? Yeah I think that’s what happened.

To explain

The original Aliciana is meant to be a force of Nature Villain. She’s not a villain with understandable motivations. She’s more or less a concept in a human face. Like how the Joker Represents Chaos, Aliciana is meant to be a representation of Bloodlust, specifically of the Serial Killer kind, a kind of Bloodlust that finds killing euphoric.

So the concept with Shinobu and Aliciana is like a good person taking over the Joker’s body, but the Joker has a bit of Influence over them and they have to fight it off to keep their own identity.

As for what is in the game is that, I accidentally made it seem like she is meant to be a simple one off boss, rather she’s meant to be a more like Liu Bu from Dynasty Warriors or Nemesis from Resident Evil. Basically they are meant to be that enemy that shows up and is hunting you and you need to run and in the story they basically take the same role. Everyscene they are meant to be a “bomb”. She can and will kill someone, you just don’t know when or who. She is basically meant to be the collective boogeyman for the fan base.

Which is why I had Shinobu be a cinnamon roll. Because it would be the equivalent of something like Nemesis walking up and instead of killing Jill, hands her a flower and says. “Wannabe Friends?” You can’t say that wouldn’t be amusing.

As for the backstory. I’ll get rid of the whole having them fight to the death part, it’s only there to show the cruelty of the location. The point was just meant to be an explanation of why she is so strong despite her age.

As for the contrivances, is because I wanted to show that Shinobu at her core is still a good person despite the her situation, as it is meant to mirror her death and that she is still willing to do the same thing. I didn’t want to leave this scene as a one off scene and actually have some sort of consequence for her heroism, so I tied it into the reason why she went into the academy.
Hidden 2 yrs ago Post by FujiwaraPhoenix
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@Shiyonichi: Okay, I have multiple problems here, but let's try addressing them one at a time.
  • The thing with 'force of nature' villains is that they are usually intended to "force progress" or create some sort of risk/reward factor. You mention, say, Lu Bu or Nemesis, but I'd also put villains like FE3H's Skull Knight or FE9/10's Black Knight in that. But, like, even putting specific generalizations aside, three of those four examples have a meaningful character behind them... And can be/ARE actively avoided.
    No, seriously. Most engagements with Lu Bu in DW games can be dodged around, for example, and you're never meant to take him down but also never meant to directly engage him in normal combat (or at least not before the game gives you the okay to). Sure, all of those characters can pop up and force player movement around them, but only Mr. X/ Nemesis actively pursue the player (and, like, RE is a horror franchise; they're MEANT to be that ever-looming presence that creates tension when you have few tools to effectively deal with them). The others appear and may posture a bit, but because of their nature as scripted encounters, usually won't actually jumpscare you for no good reason. Usually. And then after the fact, you're able to effectively play around their presence because they might only jumpscare once or twice, if ever.
    In short, I am of the opinion that even 'force of nature' villains should have proper character and motivations, regardless of what service those might actually provide... To say nothing of the fact that you just want the character to pop in for a random gank and murk a bunch of party members on a whim. That is, in my opinion, a bad design for a recurring character that would have no place in most scenarios; doubly so when the inherent presence of the character would warp gameplay to such an extent that you always have to play around them even if they never actually arrive... And in and of themselves have no inherent counterplay to deal with besides "just deal with it". Otherwise, villains who posture to just go around murdering people but have no meaning in the grand scheme of things are just handled as one-offs anyways OR end up becoming more of a nuisance to the player's progress rather than any sort of looming threat... Because, well, they wouldn't meant to be ones in the first place. This is completely divested from the personality of the character in question, but on that note...
  • I still don't like the idea of the personality being what it is. The idea of a character basically going "and then I occasionally have sudden psychopathic urges and a desire to kill" feels super ham-fisted in my opinion, and if I'm going to be honest, I don't think I'd want a character in the RP who would do something like that. This is to say nothing of the power you've put them at to begin with, which would basically equate to "okay now we have a girl who probably needs actual psychiatric help wandering around who could at any time just murder a cast member" when you consider that a fair chunk of them don't actually have any sort of combat capabilities. That, I feel, is more problematic than the actual 'core' personality being proposed here. I don't really care if the mental image of a big bad hulking monster who would snap your spine like a twig is all nice and friendly because it'd be 'funny' when the cast will try to actively avoid them anyways by dint of their nature AND because of all the metaknowledge they would have. It creates problems in terms of creating natural interaction between characters and just generally creates dynamics that aren't fun to play with or around for the most part.
  • There are, again, better and more meaningful ways to lead to circumstances to get a character from that sort of background integrated into the world in which the characters exist in. I do once again want to emphasize the idea that, being presented as the world of an otome game as it is, that this school has very high ranking children of nobility and royalty present. Allowing a child picked up off the street to enroll for no reason beyond saving the child of the headmaster for and ignoring the prerequisites of knowledge needed to enter to begin with and not immediately fall behind/drop out is pure folly in my opinion, and would reasonably never happen in a sane world.

My opinion, fundamentally, does not change. I don't like the character as they are presented now, and the logic and justification behind them doesn't change that fact. These follow-up statements, coupled with the points I made in my last reply, still stand. Character still rejected for the reasons given prior.
Hidden 2 yrs ago 2 yrs ago Post by DrabberRogue
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Hello there~! If you don't mind my intrusion, would you happen to be receptive to a newcomer?
I mean I guess the "(Now Accepting)" and "Apply" indicators should tip me off, but it feels weird not to ask... ^^;

Figure I might as well pitch the character concept I've got bouncing around in my head while I'm at it. See if there's anything that needs to be ironed out (or changed completely) before I go building a whole character sheet for it.

So in terms of the character as he was in the game I was thinking he would have been one of the heroine's potential love interests. A prodigal noble heir endowed with a talent for swordsmanship, a hereditary talent for dark magic, and a particular fancy for many stereotypically elegant noble things (ballroom dancing, formal wear, etc). Regarded as a star student at the academy, he was initially aloof to the heroine, but had several flags that could cause him to develop interest. Rather competitive by nature, he might even develop a rivalry with the heroine if she pursued combat skills, that being a major catalyst towards at least one of his endings.

Notably on any path where conflict broke out in the story's second half, the character if recruited would be a powerful unit in the player's party/army, but also a rather dangerous one should the wrong combination of flags be tripped...

Now, uh, this is the part where I reach a bit more. It depends on whether or not there's a villainess in this game, and whether or not I'm overstepping with this idea.

Several rare combinations of event flags could be tripped, according to the heroine's actions, that could lead to the character falling in love with the game's villainess instead. A possibility made less likely, but still not impossible, by the heroine pursuing his route. Once this occurred it would set off a background story that, if not averted, could lead to an infamously difficult endgame boss fight against the character.

I've also toyed around with the idea that, instead of being playable in combat routes, the character would die early on unless he fell for the villainess. This would make him impossible (or very difficult) to romance in combat routes, as well as letting him be a scary secret boss without giving the player access to another strong character.

This would also put the character getting isekai'd into him in the ironic situation of being a powerful combat oriented character, but who has a very strong incentive to try to prevent a combat focused route from happening.

So uh, that's what I got so far, attempting to organize thoughts into words.
Assuming the rp is open for me to even propose a character, that is~
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