Silver

The 7 Sins: GREED

That said, the revamped RPG contest will be going live within a day, so keep your eyes peeled for that!

@RomanAria

I am embarrassed at the amount of times I've checked back to see if there were any updates.

Important Updates and Announcements

Color me excited.

TTL: The Final Hazard OOC

Ingenious. I'll have to start attempting some Labours, then.

Humans VS. Magic-Users (Ch.1:Beginnings)

Cassius Drake

"Wanted: Dangerous Magi, Fae Nikia. Substantial reward. Inquire within."

The tattered poster had been hastily nailed to a wooden pillar outside the Kraken Den, a notorious tavern in the Market District of Thalburn. This was a borough that Cassius tried not to frequent; the establishments were seedy at best, and bounties were murderous at worst. He examined the paper thoughtfully, an icy rain piercing down from above. Despite his hesitations, he admitted to himself that the bounty seemed to fit his job description. "Dangerous Magi." "Substantial reward." He tore the sheet off of the nail and proceeded inside.

Instantly he was hit with a blast of warm air, a welcome contrast from the deadly wind in the streets. The tavern was dark, lit only by a few pots flaming with incense. Cassius could make out the figures of the tavern's patrons, but not the faces. He judged this to be intentional.

He spent little time in places like this. Indeed, he tried to avoid Thalburn altogether. Unfortunately, the nature of his trade made visits to the stone city a necessity. Nowhere else could he stock up on ammunition and gear for his hunt. He walked to the bar, his weapons clinking audibly against the straps of his cloak, and slapped the paper onto the counter.

"I'm here about the bounty," he said, eyeing the innkeep through the slit in his mask. It was always wise to lead with a statement, rather than a question. Prospective bounty hunters could be turned away for little more than apparent indecision.

Rather than answering, the innkeep grunted and gestured to the wall beside the counter. In the dark, Cassius could make out the vague shape of a door. He nodded and set a coin on the counter then proceeded through the door, one hand on his rifle.

The room that greeted him was small and dank, no brighter than the main chamber of the tavern. A few paces in, a table separated Cassius from his potential employers. Seated at that table was a horrendously fat man, hunched over a collection of documents and deeds. Behind him, another man was dimly visible. His body faced away from Cassius, rendering him anonymous, and a tendril of smoke rose from a pipe in his hand.

As Cassius entered, the fat man's eyes lit up with recognition.

"Cassius Drake," he exclaimed, his thick lips curling into a grin. "The Scarlet Huntsman! I knew one day you'd walk through our doors." He continued before Cassius could interrupt. "Surely, you are here about the bounty?"

Cassius nodded, somewhat vexed yet unsurprised by the clerk's familiar tone. His name was known to many parties throughout the realm. He was considered the stoic scourge of the wicked.

"I might be," he said, dangling his services like bait before a fish. "Your poster was somewhat vague about the circumstances of the bounty. I'll need more information before I agree to anything."

The clerk looked over his shoulder at his mysterious superior, who nodded.

"Some time ago, there was an... incident, in the town of Middleseed. We believe this riot was instigated by members of the Ty 'Un Resistance. They attacked a patrol of Thalburn guardsmen, and the military responded in suit." He leaned back and sniffed, putting on a grand show of indifference towards the Resistance. "We have reason to believe the attack was coordinated by Fae Nikia, whom we've long suspected of Resistance ties. As such, we sent out an assassin to dispatch him while we quelled the unrest. The assassin was unsuccessful... but I have no doubt of your abilities."

Cassius narrowed his eyes beneath his mask. "I was not aware of an uprising in Middleseed."

The clerk glanced at his companion, who remained silent. He turned back to Cassius, a comforting smile on his face. "The Thalburn have silenced all talk of the vicious attacks in order to keep the people of Middleseed comfortable and safe."

Cassius frowned. The man's tone was suspicious, but it was not above the Thalburn to censor information for their own purposes. He decided to dig deeper. "And where is this rebel now?"

"We believe that he has fled Middleseed with the aid of at least one other insurgent. Reports are speculative, but several witnesses confirmed he was travelling with a woman. His whereabouts are unknown."

Cassius made a decision. He shook his head. "I hunt murderers, not rebels. Find another henchman." He turned for the door. The clerk raised his hands and frantically pleaded with him.

""But- but- but that's not all he's done!" he said, a bead of sweat glinting in the dim torchlight. Cassius turned around impatiently. "This man, he- he committed atrocities during the Ty 'Un uprising. He killed many innocents, we're sure of it!"

Cassius rolled his eyes and put a hand on the door, but was stopped by a loud thunk. He turned around and was immediately taken aback. The clerk had placed a giant bar of pure gold on the table.

"This will be yours if you kill Fae Nikia."

Cassius hesitated. By now he was certain of deceit, but he could make that gold do far more good than it would in the hands of the Thalburn.

"I'll see it done."

Humans VS. Magic-Users (Ch.1:Beginnings)

I'm gonna shake things up a bit.

Black Box

When disembarking the bus, avoid physical contact.

When crossing the yard, avoid physical contact.

If at all possible, avoid eye contact.

Eye contact may be perceived as a challenge. Looking down may be perceived as vulnerability.

Stare straight ahead.

Humans VS. Magic-Users (Ch.1:Beginnings)

Roll call may or may not be a good idea. Now that I think about it. (Go for it, if ya feel.)

Taking into consideration of recent information. Faintly debating switching RP Open again because of the reason i'm about to explain.

Two of our players (alidamaria & thatrpgirl) will be on temporary hiatus for undisclosed amounts of time.

Leaving myself, @LetMeDoStuff.....

@KiraVanhelsing

@Darlit Glitch

@Hippo AF

@Silver

Giving us room for another, or even two. However, still not entirely sure.

@Jin Of Mana

I can only blame myself. Sorry for (literally) never posting, people. If this is still going, I'd be glad to jump in.

-Silver

RPGC #13: Resolutions! - Voting and Discussion

Hey guys! If you haven't figured it out yet, I wrote "Ashes of Ilium." Thanks for all the kind words and helpful comments! Really, your criticism is crucial in allowing me to further develop my work.

Blitz

@Silver Thanks for the encouraging review (I wrote A Reason To Go On). I really felt like I had botched it and rushed it too much to the point where it was meaningless nonsense, but you just made me feel loads better, so thank you.

@Blitz

Oh, the praise was fully deserved. I'm happy to encourage you, but I shouldn't have to; your writing is solid. Just know that.

I love a piece of… would you call this historical fiction? Well, the label isn’t as important. It’s always a joy to take a historical event that most people are familiar with from the outside, and create a story of someone experiencing it themselves, with extra bonus points for research and trying to adhere to accuracy. Some people would argue this lacks creativity, but I would say it’s quite the contrary. You gave life, you created personalities, you told a story—not just of the fall of Troy, something we could all do, but of Agenor, and we see it all through his eyes: a fresh, new perspective. Your writing/spelling/grammar and all that was flawless, and there were no lapses in immersion. Lovely. I really enjoyed your entry.

@Blitz

Not much I have to say about this other than thank you.

PlatinumSkink

... Ooof. A worthy piece of fiction celebrating one of our most well-known ancient works of fiction. Seeing things from the perspective of a minor character is a nice touch. It’s really well done. Excellently done. I know quality when I see it, I’d like to claim.

But ooough. Knowing pretty much exactly what’s going to happen sure put a damper on my mood. Can’t say I could enjoy it, for I was way too busy letting depression set in. Gah. Hahaha. Anyways. Excellent characterization of the family, the other soldiers were somewhat forgettable but good for making it feel more authentic and alive. All in all, very well done. It’s just too bad my stomach now feels uncomfortable from reading it. Hahahahaha. Oh, well.

@PlatinumSkink

Well, for starters I'm glad you thought of my writing as "quality." For my sake, I hope you're right. You're totally right about the audience knowing exactly what's going to happen (I think that's called dramatic irony?), but I wasn't sure precisely what effect that would have on the reader. I tried portraying the Trojans as believably oblivious, to draw out feelings of frustration, futility and hey, maybe depression, from the audience, but in the end it could be anything. Thank you for the insight.

Dark Wind

I've read the Aeneid but once. Regardless of the single-read, I enjoyed it more than The Odyssey (when it comes to these classic epics). Really, it's a hell of a story full of life and tragedy, and certainly it lives up to the ideas of an epic. Also, I can definitely use more accurate historical and general historical fiction in my life. Always enjoyable to see how people weave their own stories and tales associated to the content.

You're in the running for my vote, so it goes without saying that I enjoyed the hell out of this. Your descriptive wording was crisp and clear, nothing overly distracting from the scene. So often we get into describing the picture with a conglomeration of parts that ends up confusing the reader rather than immersing them. Easily, you avoided that problem. Seeing Troy fall from the viewpoint of Agenor and having Aeneas sidelined was absolutely an excellent story choice. God, I almost feel as though you could create your own fully-fleshed out story for this. It's condensed, thus I feel we have some trouble getting on with all the characters, however the dialogue did have its strong enough moments where we got the picture of them. And, perhaps, it's true in form really to the tale of Troy in itself. We can only know so much about these grand figures.

Perhaps you didn't want to take too many creative liberties with their characteristics? Regardless, we got the important things like the foreboding of the horse and the concern about it contrasted with those who were too relieved by the idea of victory and peace to properly inspect that horse.

I think my favorite bit is the ending, and that's huge for me. Ending's have a habit of not feeling right often times, but Agenor meeting Pyrrhus sword for sword is simply... poetic, and epic, and resonates so well with the spirit of the whole story. Hmm, coming back to the dialogue, I do enjoy the tender word choice between husband and wife. That felt pretty real to me, and their archaic form of speaking also felt just right. Maybe I'm just greedy and I wanted more, but you probably had the proper balance on this end, or perhaps it's the difficulty of writing historical characters.

Alas, in the end, this was a worthy tribute to the tragedy of Troy. Smooth read, well done, and the call back of the dream towards the ending was nice. THOUGH, also a bit conflicted there, meeting Pyrrhus on the field of battle, or streets in this case, felt like the proper ending against that epilogue of sorts. Both are good endings, either way. Just my preference.

Well done.

@Dark Wind

Well, first of all, thank you SO MUCH for the high praise. I really enjoyed writing this story, and even the research (which was onerously copious) was pretty fun. It felt like I was walking on a tightrope between being as accurate as possible and adding my own contributions to the story of Troy.

As for the dialogue, you're right about it being condensed. Knowing how I myself feel when I open the contest page and I have to read a story resembling War and Peace in length, I try to shorten my stories into digestible portions. I was hoping it wouldn't have much of an effect on my characterizations (admittedly, I spent more time on the main characters and unequal time on each of the Trojan soldiers), but knowing that it did is very useful for the future.

I couldn't help referencing the dream in the ending. I'd been planning on it since writing the first page, and I actually thought the physical ending fell a little flat. I'm glad you thought otherwise.

Thank you.

Gutshot

That was great character development, great suspense, and great pay-off. Wonderful entry, and kudos to you for both historical accuracy and wonderful literary craft.

You introduce us to Agenor immediately, and you waste no time fleshing out his and his families characters. He is a humble warrior that wants to protect his family at all costs, his wife is beside him as strong as ever, and Kiril is both of his parents' driving force: much like in any actual nuclear family. All of the main characters are likeable, strong, and really give the reader the want to care for them. You introduce and describe yours characters in such a way that the reader can clearly see emotions and ambitions behind them, and they cling to those human characteristics throughout the story. Might I also add that most of this connection is done through dialogue, which is always a plus in my book.

Furthermore, the suspense of knowing what is most definitely about to happen is just right. The Trojan horse is going to breach the city, the troys are going to be defeated, and it will be a disaster: but knowing these characters you've just connected with will have to go through it gives the tale a whole new layer. I will also like to add that the decisions that Agenor and the others make are completely human, something rarely seen in very fantastical tales such as these. They want to evacuate the city instead of fight in glorious vain, they want the best for their families instead of themselves: It's a thought pattern that compliments the realism of your characters very nicely. You can also clearly see the resolution the Troys had for protecting their kin, a theme that rings throughout the writing. Last but not least, the ending is a bitter-sweet masterpiece and what was always subconsciously expected by the reader throughout the short story, but is a turn of events that pays-off wonderfully nonetheless. Amazing job.

@Gutshot

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, both for your praise and for knowing exactly the types of feelings and emotions I was trying to evoke with each portion of the story. You have a trained eye for reading, it would seem.

I'm very glad you saw "Ashes of Ilium" the way that you did. You made me feel a lot better about several things that I was worried wouldn't come across. First, I tried very hard to characterize Calandra as strong and fierce to avoid the pitfall of stereotyping (offensively, might I add) the wife as a weak individual in need of protection. Instead I passed that on to Kiril, but hey. He's eleven. It's permissible.

Additionally, I was worried that the knowledge of Troy's famous defeat would take the edge off my own story since people would know then ending and perhaps deign not to read further. I'm glad you thought otherwise; once again, you captured perfectly what I was intending.

Finally, I was concerned that Agenor's decision to fight the Greeks at the end would frustrate some readers, who perhaps would think he would have better served his promise to his wife by staying with his family, but I think he had no choice. Generally speaking, the Trojan refugees were not fighters. Most of them, anyway. They would not have survived an attack from Pyrrhus and his men.

Thank you so much.

McHaggis

My favourites were Ashes of Illium and 34 Seconds. I think that Ashes of Illium was the better written (technically) of the two and I struggle to find fault in it. It's probably the most polished entry––I swear saw comma splices or the occasional dodgy phrasing in most of the other entries, although it might well have been because I was more enraptured with this one that I glossed over any errors entirely.

@McHaggis

I truly appreciate your appraisal of my story, and I don't fault you at all for your final decision. I also found "34 Seconds" to be the better of the two.

RPGC #13: Resolutions! - Voting and Discussion

I was well aware that the Game of Thrones connection was going to be made. I decided it was unavoidable so I simply owned it.

@Dark Wind

And own it you sure fucking did.

And, wow, thank you for the high praise. That's a real great way to start my evening!

@Dark Wind

Nothing that wasn't firmly deserved. My pleasure!

RPGC #13: Resolutions! - Voting and Discussion

Reviews!

Twilight Ultimatum

Huh.

I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure what kind of resolution is going on here. Well, I'm not really sure at all what's going on here, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

The insistent specificity of this piece actually adds to it, purely because I know that I'm missing something. "All but two then five" has to reference something important, even though I have no idea what it is. The Norse mythology is clear, and I can at least understand a few parts of it without having to seek reference: Odin and Thor, obviously, and the tree's roots might refer to Yggdrasil, but everything else is kind of blurry. Perhaps that's what you intended. I respect it.

My only other comment is that, in a story so short, you really need to watch for typos. I noted "presuers," unless that's another mythological reference that's somehow evading me. With so little content to peruse, just one typo is almost 2% of your story. It's kind of jarring.

But if your goal was to leave the reader curious about the situation, you have succeeded. I'd love to hear more.

The Golden Cage

Wow. Intense.

This reminds me of one of the 12 Labors contests, in which the protagonist had to be famous or esteemed for something they despised. I think, anyway. I've never attempted one of those because I'm a coward.

The first person POV is a good tool for reaching the audience. I sympathized with the narrator. His situation, dire as it is, seems futuristic or mythological given the description of his throne and the time that has passed while he ruled, which is always fun to imagine. I'm a sucker for specifics, but this story didn't really need them.

I kind of saw the whole thing as an analogy for religion; something that was created with the greatest of intentions by a powerful being, but manipulated and used to achieve terrible ends by terrible means. Perhaps that's digging a little too deep. In any case, the "resolution" was clear: right the wrongs that [the protagonist] has witnessed.

Well done.

34 Seconds

Bravo.

I was skeptical on my first reading. Such a simple topic as the recitation of several New Year's Resolutions in a dismal setting seemed like it would fall flat in the short length you provided.

But, as it often happens, I was dead wrong.

I had to read the story twice to really enjoy it, but boy was it worth the wait. Your description of setting in the beginning was bare-bones but potent; each sentence was rigged with vivid imagery and universal themes. The dialogue, too, at first came across as bland, but it was the tiny details that saved it. The trembling hands yearning to plant a garden. The wounded eyes wanting only to see the world. Such details made me far more sympathetic to these undeveloped characters than I could have expected.

And, of course, the ending. On my first reading, I was like "meh, who cares," but the second time I had a diagnosable case of the feels. These tiny little characters, plain and unembellished, had such simple needs, simple desires in a war-torn world. And they'd never achieve them.

My hat's off to you. This may be my favorite entry.

The Unlucky Number

It's nice to see some characterization, given the general progression of stories thus far. (Winky face). Your descriptions throughout the story were cute and exquisitely detailed, which should never go unappreciated in my book. Having specific details to work with (e.g. Dr. Bansing's ponytail, t-shirt and paper cup with coffee) helps me break by habit of using the same dozen or so character images in my head for every story I read. It's also just a good habit to get into, as it's characteristic of strong writing.

The adherence to the "resolution" theme was clear, and the content was playful, but the story fell kinda flat for me. Perhaps I'm too fond of twists and turns and suspense and action, though I certainly take my own predilections into account. Either way, it was a sweet slice-of-life piece, and probably a shoe-in for the "Superstition" bonus category.

Cheers!

A Reason To Go On

Where to begin?

First of all, and what sticks out to me most: fantastic writing. Your dialogue is spot-on; I could hear the characters' voices in my head as I read each line. Your descriptions were vivid and specific. Even more, though, congratulations on raising such a magical and intricate world out of nothing. I respect the approach of minimal exposition and maximum references to subjects within the story's universe. That way, it's more natural and less jarring. The reader feels like they caught a glimpse of a parallel world. Your countries, concepts and leaders were imaginative and well-developed.

I appreciate your use of religion as one of the overlying themes, alongside war and loss. It was deftly handled in a way that mirrors the uneasy companionship between zealots and nonbelievers in the real world. It was more interesting still to see the god come to life, personified as the ambitious remnant of fallen pantheon.

And then the protagonist kills it. Ballsy.

Overall, a superb piece whose length didn't detract from its quality. This might be a winner.

Phantom Legacy

The first thing that stood out to me about this story was the fantastic characterization. You took your time with the writing, meandering through Estella's personal life and blending it well with the developing intrigue. I felt I had a solid understanding of the peripheral characters as well; Gordana, Pamela, Lartius and the rest.

Your details and exposition were also deftly handled. My only negative comment is that I couldn't really bring myself to root for the protagonist. Hell, maybe I wasn't supposed to, but for some reason that connection just never formed.

Besides that, you've got a strong, original story here. I'd love to know more of the lore.

Actually, first I just want to know: how do you pronounce "Dubhloach?"

Of Oaths and War

Perhaps I'm a little biased towards the last entry I read, but damn. This was probably the best written story here.

I was skeptical at first, for a few reasons. First, the length. Honestly, the longer the better, but that doesn't mean I wasn't a little reluctant to sit down and sample the whole thing. Nevertheless, you pulled it off. The arc of the story was clear and powerful.

The only other real reservation I had about this story is that it felt (at first, at least) really, really derivative of Game of Thrones. The books, not the show, but maybe both. Marik was the strong, silent young man inspiring loyalty from his brothers -- Jon Snow. The Pack felt a lot like the Night's Watch, wearing furs in the icy north, swearing their oaths before a giant tree. The shift of the rebellion from hated to revered was much like that of the Wildlings; Aurin could've been Mance Rayder, righteous turncloak. The themes, setting and language were just inextricably comparable to Game of Thrones.

That's where my criticism stops.

Your dialogue was spectacular. The character of Gael annoyed me at first, but the quick quips and realistic stutters you equipped him with made him a pleasure to read. I found myself waiting for his next line. The other characters each had their own way of speaking as well, something you deftly distinguished.

The arc of the story was really, really good. Following the party as they traveled along the roads was a stellar way of acquainting them with the reader, and the conclusion was satisfying and emotional.

Terrific work.

And, finally......

My Vote

There wasn't a single entry this time around that I didn't really enjoy reading. It's fantastic to know my anticipation was well-warranted. Unfortunately, I still need to pick a favorite.

I can narrow it down to "34 Seconds," "A Reason to Go On" and "Of Oaths and War" without hating myself too much, but from there it gets hard.

After much consideration, I confidently cast my @vote in favor of "34 Seconds."

The stories were all fantastic, but "34 Seconds" was true to the brief implications of its title. The author skillfully packed a tiny piece with fragile yet explosive details that demanded an emotional response from the reader. Simply put, it accomplished its task magnificently and efficiently.