Sini

[Approved] Jedi Master Dominik Rothul

Other than the numerous use of 'reflect' I think this is great. Go for me (someone else will review the force power levels in depth).

[Deep Core, 6 ATC 4] Mission: Harvest Moon

Collem kept a tight lid on his personal reservations concerning the mission, but he knew that Briar was able slip passed his stoic exterior – much like she would be able slip passed the Republic’s emergency scrambled fighters and flak. A commander was supposed to exude calm and confidence, present a bedrock for his subordinates. Nothing was as contagious as panic. He had seen one rout and one mutiny during his time with the Imperial Navy; vicious and violent experiences both of them. Collem cared not to relive anything like it again.

The blonde ace sashaying in her flight-suit neglected calling him by his rank or title, a personal privilege. It was not as if he was a stickler, but a certain distance between superior and subordinate had to be maintained. Collem was against befriending those serving under him. After all, it was hard sending your friends into the jaws of war never mind sending them to their deaths when the greater good demanded it. Briar, however, was different. There were other designs and plans in motion, things in play. Even if it was his old man pulling their strings, Collem admitted he was extremely fond of the blonde pilot. A rather considerable notion that, he thought as he reminisced of how whimsical she could be.

But not when she flew. Her concentration and skill were sharp enough to split atoms. There was no doubt in his mind as to her expertise in handling a spaceship, which was a great font of comfort for the Captain.

Even if his eyes kept on surveying the hurried but meticulous preparations for the impending strike, he saw how well the uniform suited her, how effortlessly smooth she moved, how her pony-tail swayed merrily. A woman in uniform… Why must she torment me so? He noted the other women in tight-fitting uniforms and the air of professionalism, and was forced to amend his thoughts. Women in uniform, why must they torment me so?

They stood close to one another, close enough for the omission of rank to be allowed. He grimaced, shadow flitting over his face as the mask of confidence momentarily slipped. “If they’re half as good as they think they are, we’re in the clear.” He had had little time to acquaint himself with the prowess of the elements at his disposal. Some he had been familiar with, others he knew only from military manuals, briefings and personal research. Most of those participating in the operation might had been battle-tested… but not by him. That made a world of difference.

She coaxed a wry, ragged smile from him that stripped away years and almost made him look boyish. “Are you referring to that business on Sarapin?” They had made it out alive by the skin of their teeth, and largely because of Briar’s skill with a stick. “Or that sith-spitting debacle over Lannik?”

For a moment he considered lying to her, claiming he had the full scoop on the assignment. Would that make her better at her job? Instead he clasped his hands behind his back and set his face. He saw no point in hiding from her. “Apparently I am on a ‘need to know basis’. So, you can be sure of it that several agendas are being served by this… helter-skelter OP." Collem sighed, numbing the anger in his chest. "I did some heavy digging before being told to cease. They threatened to pull me off this detail, but I could not think of anyone else remotely qualified to pull this off.” Conceited, perhaps, but also responsible, he judged. Collem could practically hear Briar playfully rolling her eyes at him. The lack of information and intelligence (the latter nonetheless thankfully augmented with the 975th's efforts) would mean a lot of people would die today. A lack of intel almost always translated in a higher loss of life. Trust had forever been in short supply within the Empire.

“I don’t like it one jot. After this is through, I intend to pick up the shovel again. This thing goes high up the food chain, very high.” The lights suddenly died, turned red as the air was cut into shreds by the horn. Even after all the years of hearing the blaring alarm, it still put the fire in Collem’s bones. “Right. On. Time.” There was nothing boyish about the grin adorning his face now. He made to turn but paused, then put a propriety-breaking hand on Briar’s shoulder and squeezed down. “I will be watching closely from the bridge the whole time. Good luck…” A surprisingly gentle look softened his otherwise stern features. “And… be careful, Briar.” He followed up with a very uncharacteristic thing to say. "No unnecessary risks... please."

Then he was gone, brightly spit-shined boots beating out a purposeful cadence in the crimson-lit corridor. Collem was already volleying commands into his comms. “I’ll have the hide of anyone not at his designated station by the time I make it back to the bridge,” growled the Captain. “Get the tractor beams running hot, all squadrons go, priority targets are their engines and comms.” If all went according to plan they would be muffling any signal trying to go out of the system, but one could never be too careful.

Soon the Imperial vessels would swoop down upon the non-suspecting Republic convoy, turbolasers and ion-cannons blazing and ripping through space to be followed by waves of personnel craft. Looking back, Collem saw the crews froth into action. His eyes caught the masked sith one last time before the door hissed shut. An epigram of some distant memory of a Kaas City play came to mind. Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

[Approved] Jek Harvester, Captain of the Imperial Navy

His looks is athletic and lithe [...] His hair, brownish black, lays to one side naturally

His looks are - His hair lies.

At his hip, an impressive sabre rests in a sheathe. It is decorated with silver inlay and the blade has been made with a cortosis weave, with the pommel and handguard made to curl around the hand in a half basket.

Seems a bit of an extravagant affectation. This isn't WH 40K. I'm willing to go 'sure' if a second GM agrees.

capitol

Capital

Captain Harvester has been, as of yet been unable to reverse the effects of the assignment on his career.

Jumbled sentence. Check tenses and structure.

Alcohol abuse

Is he a drunk or does he occasionally partake?

Captain Harvester has few documented interests, however of those few are painting.

That clause needs to be rephrased.

At the time, despite relatively light experience in command, Captain Harvester demonstrated his skill of command by engaging and defeating a small flotilla of pirates, despite the Intrepid having taken severe damage and being alone in the engagement. [...]While other officers of the fleet he had been assigned to suffered heavy casualties during an attack, Captain Harvester quickly adapted to the situation and attacked the rebel flagship. The rebels were not expecting the maneuver and the flagship was able to be boarded and taken quickly, the rest of the enemy fleet able to be quickly destroyed following the action and chaos among the rebel ranks.

These sentences are needlessly long and therefore difficult to understand. Chop them up.

A failed assault on a rebelling moon lead to...

lead --> led (and again in the interview)

professors

professors --> professor's

It wasn’t anything to fantastic

to --> too

Interviewer: But you survived? How?

Cpt. Harvester: I had been thrown behind a command console by the initial impact. I hit the body of another officer who cushioned me. He survived, I didn’t.

That would mean Agent Colfac is interviewing a ghost.

It is a petty squabble that came about from a mistake I made. Nothing more.

What mistake? What squabble? What are your plans with this? I have the feeling you want to explain through RP. Is that correct?

[Approved] Ca'tra Ordo, Mandalorian Ambassador to the Republic.

Go-time!

[Deep Core, 6 ATC 4] Mission: Harvest Moon

While the opening post is up, and so the RP has kicked off, I am going to keep the story open for anyone wishing to join. I think it's an easy fix to "plug and play". The only requisite is that you come up with a properly plausible reason for being there.

[Deep Core, 6 ATC 4] Mission: Harvest Moon

What a shambles. This was a rushed, badly prepared pile of bantha crap someone had dumped into his lap. A catastrophe in the making, the kind of which Collem had not seen since the later days of the Great War. Whilst staring out from the bridge, Collem reviewed the recent events. There was some mild chatter in the pits behind him, but he felt their tension. The long-range scanners had picked up something. Into the breach, let's get this shit-show over with, rang his grumbling thoughts.

The strike was supposed to be surgical: quick and clean. He had need of stealth ships, black-ops teams and commandos… Instead, they had given him a small flotilla of run-down vessels scraped together from wherever they could have been found and a roster that smelled of improvisation.

Furthermore, this was a Deep Core theatre, and that meant none of the massive Harrower-class Dreadnoughts. They were needed to keep local systems in line, and menacingly patrol borders. Besides, their size would have made the hyperspace jumps (of which there had been many) harder than they already had been. That was alright, he preferred smaller and more mobile forces anyway.

Even if the Terminus-class Cruisers around which he had built his task force were crewed by green boys and officers, Collem was happy for it. He was confident they would rise to the occasion. After all, these vessels were perfect for pursuit and interdiction missions, and would more than be able to go toe-to-toe with the Republic’s convoy. The rest of the Imperial detail: two modified Class VI bulk freighters (which were antiquated and hideous to look upon) and an Ajuur-class heavy cruiser. Their job was to vacate their complements of fighters and smaller craft which contained the boarding parties, and then draw the Republic’s fire. Some of these smaller craft would be auto-piloted or controlled from a capital ship’s bridge. Collem thereby intended higher survival chances for his assault teams, and hoped to increase the element of shock.

Once the target had been located and taken into custody, the boarding parties were to get her to one of the waiting Terminus cruisers. Meanwhile, the Class VI and Ajuur would serve as little more than sponges to soak up laser and ion fire, as well as give the ambush a sufficiently dubious character. The Empire needed to be able to plausibly deny having executed this deep strike. They were at peace, after all.

According to his intel, the Republic would be transporting the high-profile target on one of three Hammerhead-class cruisers. They being Hammerheads as opposed to the sleeker Thranta-class meant they could field substantial starfighter support which matched their own. He would rather have had the upper-hand there. In fact, he had requested a carrier-role vessel but had been denied. In addition, Hammerheads were notoriously sturdy and would be able to take an almost vulgar amount of punishment.

As he had just had to explain to his captains, this was a boon. It meant they would be able to lay down heavy fire, while not having to pull too many punches due to the risk of hurting the subject of the Emperor’s obsession. Of course, he had not used those exact words… that would have been madness. The Emperor did not obsess!

The main boarding parties were each put under the command of a junior officer assigned to the Sith who had joined the mission. He was counting on their force powers to aid them in locating the high-profile force-user the Empire wanted to lay their hands on so desperately. Let them sniff one another out. One squad, Collem remembered, had a Mandalorian mercenary assigned to them. The chap had bridled at the position, made some crude jokes about it too. Clearly, the fellow preferred working alone but Collem was not about to just allow that. This was a matter of Imperial interest. Besides, troopers (as much as it pained Collum to say) were expendable. He would rather they took a blaster shot than a mercenary tracker… that was what they were there for. He had said as much to the man. Like the Sith, this Zaek Saxon was there to hunt. And like a hunting dog, the Mandalorian would do as he was told. Collem wagered he would know better than to bite the hand that fed him.

After the final briefing, he had ordered the flotilla to dip into a nearby nebula with their bridge crews and captains looking at an extensive set of coordinates. He had sent ahead a small scouting party which had covertly mapped the vicinity of the refuelling station, providing them with the proverbial lay of the land. Already the 975th Special Duties Battalion had proven its worth to this mission. Now, once the Republic convoy of Hammer- and Axeheads would show for a rapid refuel, the Imperials could fall upon them with ease. Collem had ordered battle-stations and cloaking measures in effect. Like Dxun’s Maalras, they were lying in wait.

[Deep Core, 6 ATC 4] Mission: Harvest Moon

So far the active roster is an intelligence officer, a Mando under the aegis of Embrus, and a cybercommando.

Any other takers? I see no Republic reps so far!

[Denied] Mylar LuSan - Inquisitor of Esoteric Study

Me asking another GM to take over the review process was conditional on you thinking it was personal. You have stated it was not, and so there is no reason to. I assure you that for me this is a matter of principle.

I regret that you do not seem to take the GM-role seriously. You taking a liking to one GM or other is not a valid reason to dismiss a review. Sometimes you need to get along with people you are not fond of. You don't get to pick.

As such, my review above will stand. I look forward to a constructive response.

[Denied] Mylar LuSan - Inquisitor of Esoteric Study

Before starting the review, I would like to express my disappointment in not having received an apology or gesture of amends. I think that, going forward, it would be most welcome and appropriate. After all, I believe it would demonstrate maturity and respect not just to me as a person but to the role I have as Persistent Galaxy Staff.

That said, let's get to the review!

---

LuSan:

A quick reminder on the spelling of her name is in order so it’s on this character sheet’s record as well. I dislike the style. It looks like a company name to me (like SoroSuub). I do not hold it against the character or your sheet. It is a sufficiently grey area and not grounds for a denial. That said, I believe you are better off basing yourself on the known Mirialan names. A few quick examples are Arwen Cohl, Kixiaralu, Jana Lorso, Luminara Unduli, Hylo Visz and Zeven.

The subject possesses a 'bubbly' personality, carefree disposition, and lackadaisical demeanor that are all unbecoming of the Sith. Judging by appearances alone one could easily mistake her for just another exotic entertainer but should do so at their own peril.

This doesn’t mesh well with how you describe her life’s story and how she evolved as a character. She’s been sold as a child into bondage, then she was trained by a dominatrix no less. She spent her earliest formative years as a Hutt entertainment slave, which to me seems you’re alluding to child or teen sex-slavery. I’m all for such a dark and depraved background. Something truly horrific shaped her which I would imagine haunts her. It is something she cannot shake and keeps pulling her back to the darkness. But that is not what is written here. Suddenly she’s saved by the Jedi only for her to run away after encountering a Sith. She survived the Korriban Academy and now works under Nyiss. This is a heavy backstory! How did she manage to hold onto her personality? Or, how – in light of all this - did she develop a bubbly, carefree disposition?

Therese "Tinker" Thompson - fellow 'free' slave. This rifleman hunted down the Inquisitor to settle old scores.

Minor, but I suggest you pick a different word than ‘rifleman’ to refer to her. Why does Therese accept Mylar as her owner?

Slugthrower

I get the feeling you based it on anti-tank rifles from WW II. However, the way you describe it is a tad illogical (with the scope on an explosive gun and such). Tone it down from an anti-vehicle weapon to a projectile rifle. There is little evidence slugthrowers were anti-armor (vehicular) anyway, and it doesn’t work with Tinker’s designation as a carabineer.

The Dynamic-class Freighter

I get that you like the Ebon Hawk, but again I’d like to point out to you that "Dynamic-class starships were rare throughout the galaxy as only one ship was produced at a time." and "Following a corporate reorganization, the Transel-based subsidiary was granted ongoing funding but a lack of oversight which allowed the continued production of a single Dynamic-class freighter at a time." A newer model is already in use, so the Dynamic is no longer being produced, and there were not many to begin with. Working (spare) parts are logically in short supply. My suggestion is pick a different unaffiliated or Sith-flavoured ship.

The LuSan-family estate

You make it sound overly important. Planets are vital points for the Outer Rim supply chain, a single estate would not be. Change it from Outer Rim to planetary importance to make more sense.

---

Interview

This entire segment has several issues:

Before her time, the subject's parents were born of a life of luxury predicated on exploiting the weak to build a agricultural empire on the their homeworld of Mirial. That all changed with the Sith invaded. They were forced to abandon their estate and join the teaming masses of refugees that flocked toward the galactic center. Initially, their wealth allowed them to book passage on one of the many transports packed in with other refugees. It even afford them some semblance of opulence during the early years of the war.

Born of -> born in
A agricultural -> an agricultural
On the their -> on their
That all changed with the sith invaded -> changed when / changed with the sith invasion
Teaming -> teeming
It even afford -> afforded
Some semblance -> a semblance (some is already “in” semblance)

Mirial sided with the Empire early on. Why did her folks run? Why did they leave? Why did they not join the Empire? Their estate would have been a good bargaining chip.

As money dwindled, and travel became more difficult, the they attempted to return to their roots. Collecting the last of their savings they made one last pilgrimage back to the outer rim. But rather than return to the Sith controlled Mirial, they ventured to the Corellian Run--a strip of space rife with planets in need of agricultural import. They even had a daughter in this time. Just as they were on the verge of making their dream a reality, they fell victim to a scam when trying to acquiring the equipment needed to restart their business and lost the remainder of their fortune. The duo was forced to abandon their ambitions and sold their daughter to Hutt Cartel in order to afford passage back to the Republic.

The they -> they
Pilgrimage -> pick a different word, because this implies it was intentionally temporary.
To Hutt Cartel -> to the Hutt Cartel

You say they had a daughter while active on the Corellian Run, but only state she was taken to Ryloth after. Therefore it seems as if Ryloth is not her place of birth. The chronology between the second and third paragraphs regarding this is a bit off, or too unspecified. Also, it sounds like they were ok to sell off their daughter. Was this the case? Did they fight it? Why did they give up their child to return to the Republic?

There was hope she may develop the buxom assets of her mother as she aged, but something else awoke in her instead. The force.

The tense and subsequent structure are wrong in this one.

The more the Jedi to assuage her of these feelings the more they grew. The subject claims that she was dutiful, though, and even passed the Jedi version of the Trials. That she was able to explain away her feelings, and push them aside in the name of survival. She was bestowed the rank of Padawan and taken by a master. Her training was frequently held in the field on medical relief missions. In one such mission the applicant reports she encounter the Sith, and a small window into their way of life.

The more the jedi to assuage -> a verb is missing here
She encounter -> wrong tense
Encounter the sith, and a small window into […] -> that dependent clause is incomplete as your referral to ‘encounter’ doesn’t work with ‘small window’. I suggest ‘was afforded a glimpse into’ or ‘given a small window’ or some such.

What mission are you speaking of? When was this? You say she’s 23 now, that means she would have been around 16 or 17 when the war ended.

Prior to that encounter the subject states that she had only known them as "boogieman of the Dark Side". A cautionary tale against force users indulging in the proclivities her life prior to the Jedi had been built to facilitate. Though she completed that mission of mercy it would be her last. With no access to Sith literature and, for the first time, a burning desire for something other than mere survival, she made a choice. The subject reports that she absconded in the night with her master's lightsaber, as well as what few precious materials available to her, and stowed away in a transport to escape the system.

“boogieman of the Dark Side” -> “the boogiemen”. This would most definitely not have been the case. The Galaxy has been at war for over two decades. Jedi would portray the Sith as the true enemy, the greatest menace. Some would even call them evil incarnate. Calling them the “boogiemen” is a gross understatement.
The last sentence of this paragraph is a bit run-on. Try chopping it up in different parts to avoid convoluting conjugations.

The applicant claims to have allowed the force to be her guide as it directed her into contested territories, and by extension the hands of the Empire. So too, she claims, the force served as a beacon to the imperials she encountered. Mission logs report that they directed her to the academy on Koriban, and while the subject appends these reports stating "her first trial she was to make it there on her own".

Highly implausible. She’s a jedi runaway and therefore highly suspect. It would make far more sense for her to be subjected to rigorous interrogation, perhaps even torture, and passed onto a Darth to sense her intentions. She would not be allowed to go freely.

Once there, she presented her master's lightsaber as a gesture of intent, but reserved it as a gift for any potential master that may pick her once her trails were complete. The choice to allow this was a contentious one but the prevailing philosophy of 'might makes right' won out in the end.

That may pick her -> might have picked her
Why was that decision contentious?

In the end she managed to attract the eye of one of a Darth.

Rephrase this sentence.

---

Conclusion:
I like this iteration of Mylar better. I'm happy to see some things have been taken to heart. It makes for a more rounded out backstory with less of the plot-holes the previous character sheet held. Try paying attention to syntax, spelling and verb tenses. These (and run-on sentences) sometimes make it needlessly difficult to understand what you write. Finally, Force and fighting techniques will be subjected to Ellri’s or SunderedEcho’s review.

[Approved] Sith Warrior Kutar Zema

Darth Shaq has one stamp.