<Snipped quote by Stabby>
Shinji:
Fair enough. its been a while since I've really had anything that resembled a friend. I mean, I had friends before... its just, I never really talked to them . they didn't approve of my lifestyle.
In what way?
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- Stabby 8 yrs ago
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Skippity dippity doppity doo, I'm sus of a color like you.
4 yrs ago
Biggity boogity,.
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For reference, I say that as someone that only joined it a few years ago.
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In what way?
<Snipped quote by Stabby>
Shinji:
*lets you go*
.. sorry if I startled you with that.
Nah, it's chill.
Just give me a slight heads up next time, 'kay?
<Snipped quote by Stabby>
Shinji:
... fair enough point.
....
*hugs you in a friendlike manner*
..thank you for believing in me, even if I still don't myself.
*Looks a bit surprised at first, but then gives a hug back with a smile.*
No problem.
<Snipped quote by Stabby>
shinji:
I mean, its possible. I do have 12 doctorate degrees.
Knowledge ain't exactly equivalent to wisdom.
<Snipped quote by Stabby>
shinji:
what if...
*looks up*
..nevermind.... I've already tried living for others. It doesnt work... I need to live for myself. But how.... thats the question....
*looks to you, then looks to the ground*
When you've fucked up as much as I have, and as severely as I have, its hard to go back. And with every issue I have.... I could be jn here forever.... the only thing keeping me sane is you, and to be truthful, sometimes i often wonder if I just made you up.
Dude, if going back in any form was an option, for either those broken by an experience or those worn down to their wits, you'd see a lot less people searching for therapists.
*Sighs.*
But reality is, you can only go from stable to worse and back again if fractured is the farthest you go. Once you cross over into broken, the best you'll ever return to is cracked.
...
For reference, that was an analogy comparing a concrete foundation to ones mental heath, not descriptors of sanity.
Minor tangent aside, it would be pretty stupid to keep you here until you solved each of your issues. Would take waaaaaay too damn long, since it's practically a lifelong journey without a definitive end. I can't exactly quantify with words what I'm looking for, but it will likely help you stay on your mental feet regardless, even when you want to wallow in misery
...
Also, do you really think you could imagine half the words that have poured from my mouth?
<Snipped quote by Stabby>
Shinji:
Fair enough, I suppose...
*looks to you*
.. to be completely honest with you.... I don't really want to die. Not alone, at least. I want to mean something to someone, not just metaphorically. I... I want purpose again..... thats why I felt that I needed to die. Becuase I have no purpose left to serve....
*Sits down on the floor.*
Not gonna lie, I've been there... sort of. Part of me is so bitter and worn down that to just go to sleep and never wake up would be half a blessing. But I don't want to go out with a whimper, I want to go out with a bang.
*Makes a finger gun and shoots it in time with my last word.*
And so I've just flat out refused to die or off myself up to this point, because even if life hurts, I've still got my fighting spirt and a desire to at least make something of this mess.
But the tricky part that follows is probably what you're struggling with, albeit in the opposite direction. Finding purpose. To keep living without direction is hard, and to find your own is even harder.
So far, the only solution I've found is to stand on some part of yourself, some key part of your identity, so that you can keep your footing until you find purpose.
*Chuckles and looks into the distance.*
Of course, everyone is different, so what works for me might not work for others. And so this process, inner world and all, is ment to help you find your own solution, one that does work for you.
<Snipped quote by Stabby>
Shinji:
Eh, I don't know about that one. Pretty sure Techi wants me dead, at this point.
I didn't say you wouldn't piss them off.
Realistically, people can get angry because they care in some capacity about whatever it is, either on a personal level, an emotional one, a psychological one, or so on and so forth.
It's not the case every time, but I believe it applies in that instance.
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shinji: .....I just find it so hard to believe that you care so much about me. you just met me, yet... you're risking for me. why? where did I earn that...?
Who says people have to earn the care of others?
...No like seriously, who? I wanna punch those idiots the most.
But that aside, you can account part of it to me being an empathetic fool at heart. I try not to let it show, or hinder me really, but it is a part of who I am. To know that there are people out there that are suffering through bad circumstances and decisions hurts. Especially because I know I realistically can't do much of anything, even if I had the time and the effort to help. People aren't exactly receptive to help if they aren't looking for it, with you being a good case in point. And yet, sometimes pushing through the kickback works, if you're willing to put in the effort.
Granted, it took a promise for me to stick around at first, but I do care about you at this point, like many of your other friends. They're not about to stop caring about you just because you're doing some dumb things.
<Snipped quote by Stabby>
shinji: .....I did not expect you to be so accepting of that.
Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I understand that life can be absolute shit sometimes, to the point that it's worse then dying. So I'm not about to be selfish and ask you to keep living just to ease my conscience.
But by damn I still care about you, and at this point I'm not gonna just let you go out with a whimper just before the finish line. To go out without much of an impact or even a loss of impact would be terrible after the ammount of time you've held on and the things you've suffered through. So try to just give yourself a breather, a break, so that you can finish things properly.
Whatever you decide to do after that point will be your choice, and for as much as I might hate it, I'll do my damn best to respect it. ...it'll hurt, but loss isn't something people can avoid, especially if they have those they care about.
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