Back in my room, I hurried over to where I had left my other belongins, and pulled out a slave collar. It was the very same I had worn all those years ago. It was like Wolfe's, only it had been custom made to look fancy and decorative. But it's appearance meant nothing--it was the thing that had kept me from my freedom.
"Put this on, Aayla." My master had said--though he was not my master then--holding it out to me. I had panicked, begging him not to send me back to slavery, prepared to run and find some way to survive on my own.
"If you wish to learn the ways of the Force, you must put this on."
I had not understood.
"You have a great sensitivity to the Force--had you been brought to the temple as a child you would have done very well, I think. But you have felt powerless your whole life, and so you want to be stronger for yourself--not for others. Your emotions run deep. It will be difficult for you to find peace with the Force. You are afraid of being weak, and afraid that weakness will cost your your freedom. If you cannot overcome this, you will fall into Darkness, Aayla. This collar represents all the things you fear, all of your weakness. You must overcome it."
Sitting down on the floor, still wearing only the towel, I put on the collar. My master had the key, so it would not lock. And the shock unit had long been disabled. It was just a symbol now. I shivered at the sensation of the smooth, cold metal against my skin. I leaned back and rested my head on the bed. At first I had hated wearing it, which was exactly why Master had forced me to. Eventually a day had finally come where I could put it on without biting back anxiety or fear, where I could wear it without being filled with anger and resentment. A day had come when instead of bringing back unpleasant memories the collar helped ground me. Now wearing the collar helped remind me I was no longer the fearful, weak girl I'd been. Or so I'd thought.
I thought of the evening's encounter. Was I falling into Darkness? What did it say about me that I had enjoyed seeing Wolfe on his knees, begging? Was there some evil desire for power lurking in my soul? No. That couldn't be right. I'd never felt like this before. I thought of any of the people I knew and took no pleasure from thinking of them in such a position. I even felt disgust at the idea. What about Wolfe had triggered this new desire? I decided I needed to properly meditate on the matter. I stood and dried myself off, pulling on my other set of clothes from earlier. Not as comfortable as my robes, but they would do for now.
I knelt and breathed slowly, thinking back on the day I had had. Wolfe, a Sith, had come looking for me. Had I been afraid? No, I supposed not. If anything I'd felt relieved. Master had said he would return for me when his mission was done. Yet here I was, still waiting far too many months later. Stuck hiding from an enemy I was not sure would ever come looking for me. I'd been trapped in limbo, waiting for things I couldn't be sure would ever come. Now I could move forward. Even knowing I was being hunted had been better than not knowing.
I thought back over my interactions with Wolfe, after freeing him from the poachers. When I'd first met him he was the enemy; I'd felt certain he would turn on me, kill me, the first chance he got. I hadn't felt any strange stirrings over excitement over having Wolfe at my mercy then. It had been a necessity to be able to control him. I'd been relieved he seemed willing to cooperate. I did not enjoy inflicting pain in others. When had I stopped being certain his betrayal was inevitable? When had these unfamiliar desires started to develop?
It probably been when he offered to wear the blindfold, I realized. He'd offered to give up control of his sight willingly. The idea had been so strange and yet fascinating to me. It wasn't a cruel desire. He'd been willing.
I was only half relieved. I'd just discovered I had an unusual fetish I'd been unaware of. And stuck on a ship with a man who apparently had very similar tastes and wasn't at all shy about it.
Hmm.
Even if the rules did not forbid pursuing please, attachment was forbidden for Jedi. Attachment to a thing or person made you fear losing it. Fear was the first step on the path to the dark side. Or so I'd been told. Repeatedly. But I was already afraid, I realized. I'd run from the shower, and from him. Fled from urges stronger than I'd experienced before and the sensation I they were making me lose control of myself. I frowned. How was I supposed to deal with that?
I jumped at a knock at the door.
"I have your things here, Aayla. Seems you left in quite the hurry..." I could hear the suggestive tone in his voice that told me he knew--or guessed accurately enough--the reason I'd gone. Feeling exposed and a a bit sheepish, I opened the door.
"Oh!" Wolfe was still very undressed. For some reason I had not anticipated he wouldn't be dressed… well more dressed. The harness was… interesting. I'd seen it earlier, but not quite like this. I felt warmth and a pleasant stirring in the pit of my stomach.
"Thank you, Wolfe," I managed to say, though not as smoothly as I'd planned. Catching my eyes wandering, I forced my attention to the hand holding my things. "I'll, um, take those," I said holding out my hands for my things, then I noticed the blindfold. Was he still wearing it because I hadn't told him to remove it? I felt a bit pleased at the thought. Damn. He was very good at this.
"You, um… you don't have to keep wearing that, you know," I said.