Everblight

I want to build

Most of the time I just need to bounce ideas of other people rather than talking to myself, it's amazing that even without the other person suggesting ideas I can just suggest ideas and by getting feedback I'm just a lot more open minded.

In terms of the idea it sounds promising! I always like the idea of lost artifacts of the gods and such as I really enjoy Greek Mythology. The questions I would ask would be...

1. Who made the book that lists where all the items were? it in itself wouldn't be one of the items so it either means that man found these items and in an attempt to either trap the gods on earth or hide their location for safe keeping. It would also be a cool line for a Villain, someone who gives this adventurer the book to get his help in finding them, then once they are found he turns out to be evil and uses the items to do something like kill the gods or become a god etc etc

2. Whilst I like some aspects of Gods coming down to earth and being mortal, I have always preferred the gods to seem untouchable, unimaginable power and so forth. It just makes them seem more bad-ass and makes more sense as to why people would still believe in them. Which leads me to the idea that each of these gods would either elect a Champion or use the powers they have to send monsters/obstacles for the adventurer to try and stop him from getting the artifacts.

3. did you intend it for modern day? The treasure hunter being in modern times and the story of the lost items was an old old tale that hardly anyone had ever heard, or do you mean something like upon hearing this legend a treasure-hunter or mercenary of the time decided to try and hunt them down before the gods themselves can reclaim them?

Lonely Planet / Pompeii (Sci-Fi / Political and Military)

Tentative interest

I want to build

Bump

Twists and Turns [Graphics Gallery]

That's great Chibi thank you! Yeah I forgot about the text to be honest. Ummm, I'll PM you about it.

I want to build

I guess considering I would prefer this to branch out to more than a 1x1 using PM's would be a bit redundant. Thank you for the questions though I hope anyone else reading found them useful!

I want to build

I can do but considering there will be no sexual content I don't see the reason to.

I want to build

Probably no to both? I don't mind romance to a degree but what I'm really asking is for a world-building partner, then we will figure out our story inside that world. I would actually really like this to be bigger than 1x1 but it depends how the other person feels.

I want to build

It doesn't matter. The RP will in no way be sexual and outside of that, gender doesn't bother me.

I want to build

Hello all and thanks for checking out my thread!

For a while now I've been begging for a really good RP to sink my teeth into, with the lack of activity since the fall of the old guild there isn't nearly as much on offer these days and every attempt I have made at making my own RP hasn't gone down well. However I think I know why, I sit think of an idea and a plot and try to figure out something cool but I have no one to bounce ideas off, no one to suggest those ideas that spark my own, it's normally someone else who gets me really excited for an RP and that's why I can't get enthusiastic by doing it myself.

I would be looking to do a Casual RP that would be either 1x1 or we could very well spread the net. All I know is I want someone to build it with, I have a few ideas and I more than welcome any of yours. I want someone who would be committed to this however as if it grows larger we would be Co-GM's and I would very much like it to last. I'm used to high quality writing but I rarely write any more than 4 paragraphs? so I would like high-casual level but the post size isn't all that important to me, I dislike reading ridiculously long posts to be honest.

Anyway there you have it, I want someone who has imagination and wants to build something too be if fantasy, Sci-fi or any combination. Thank you for reading and I hope to get some interest!

Looking for constructive criticism

Robeatics said
I can't truly judge what ideas as far as plot are inherently good and what are inherently poor, but I can break out the good ol' fashioned nitpicking. Chiefly, you need to focus more on your commas and grammar. I saw a few places in which you used the wrong 'your/you're', forgot apostrophes, and made a few mistakes in sentence structure, such as in:"Waving his hands in disarray he spun on the spot and landed in his chair creaking its old joints and stretching the worn leather, it had seen better days."This could be a good sentence to describe the chair, but the way you wrote it sort of disrupts itself. You could rewrite it as: "Waving his hands in disarray, he spun on the spot and landed in his chair. Its joints creaked and the leather stretched. It had seen better days." This way, it feels less like a run-on sentence. That's honestly the only advice I'd offer as far as grammar other than just proofreading everything and analyzing each and every sentence to be sure that little slip-ups won't tarnish the feeling of the piece and potentially pull readers away from the immersion.Now, onto the meat of the advice: Good writers always know that it is better to take away from a piece than to add to it. Give the reader the absolute minimum for what you want to write. It’s difficult to express, but basically you must focus on the actions, the showing, and only a little on the telling.Let’s say I write this sentence: “The man was very old.” Poor. Don’t tell the reader someone is old. Show them. “His face hung as a tapestry of wrinkles, and he hobbled about with a knobby cane.” That’s showing. Also be sure to avoid clichés in your writing, especially dialogue. “…as a smile stretched from ear to ear.” This is a little too much of a used phrase to really stick out in the reader’s mind. Don’t be afraid to get creative, get a little weird. Set the tone. Is the room the two of them in very dark? Is it gloomy? Is his smile disconcerting? Lopsided? Is he showing teeth? Are they rotten? Every sentence must be worthwhile. If it does not either advance a character or advance the plot, do not write it. A lengthy list of details that do not set the scene, the mood, or add anything to the text will bore your reader and make them skim over the important parts.The boy dying is an interesting portion. You did a good job of having it come unexpected, but there was much you could have done to make it all the more jarring. “As quickly as a hawk would swoop, the old mans fingers had grasped his neck and dunked his apprentice's head into the sink of dirtied water. Muffled screams and splashing filled the room with an unsettling atmosphere.” This, especially at the end, tells too much and shows too little. Don’t just say the room was filled with an unsettling atmosphere. A good comedian doesn’t wait for the crowd to stop laughing before shouting, “That was funny!” Show how unsettling it was. Make the boy sputter, have it echo off the walls and into the shadows.Also important: Increase the shock for your reader. Add little ‘cushion’ to the sentence, and make the action be read as quickly as you want it to be done physically. Let’s say a man is having a gun pointed at the head of his friend. The reader is on a precipice. Will his friend die? Shock your reader. “A hand tensed, and the gun fired.” For quick actions, use quick sentences. Make them pop, make them sudden, and don’t be afraid to do so. Some of the most well-written passages I’ve ever come across use short sentences just as often as lengthy ones.Well, that’s about all I have so far. I hope this helps. Please, if you want any more criticism, let me know the specifics of what you want my opinion on and I will help as best I can. I also suggest going on Tumblr to look at some decent writing blogs such as “fixyourwritinghabits” and “fuckyeahcharacterdevelopment”, as well as just plain looking up tips, tutorials and the like online, there’s a ton of awesome resources from some really awesome writers. Good luck!

Thank you, awesome advice. I'll probably try to re-write it and will post it again after reading your suggestions. I like the section on helping things come unexpected and the idea you write as fast as you would do something. I know my punctuation and grammar isn't very good, I've always had problems with that but for now I'd say it takes a back seat as I'm trying to make the writing itself better, for now at least.

Jig said
Definitely recommend this. Comedians keep the crucial words in their punchline to the very end so the suspense isn't broken until the end of their last sentence. Perhaps use a similar technique? I love dashes (-). They're basically always grammatically accurate, and imply an abrupt pause.A crude example off the top of my head, but the dash forces the reader to stop, and then continue onto a short, violent burst of a sentence.I recommend, and this is dull advice, but looking up comma, full stop, speech mark and apostrophe usage, as well as tenses (particularly the difference between Perfect, Imperfect and Pluperfect). On the whole, you're accurate, but there are mistakes, and, where it comes to SPaG (Spelling, Punctuation & Grammar) there's only a small margin for artistic license on the far end of just being plain wrong. Nobody is perfect, everybody makes mistakes, and there's no substitute for proofreading again and again and again, but if you don't know your stuff, proofreading gets you nowhere.Try interspersing a section of dialogue with a 'stage direction' every so often - it breaks up heavy back-and-forth conversations nicely:The 'stage direction' gives both information about what's happening, and implies the teacher is angry - very efficient.While Robeotics says avoid clichés, and this is good advice, I'd say it's permissible in speech. People do speak in clichés. I do. So will many characters. The narrator, unless it's written from a very personable narrator that's supposed to really come across as a proper character, should not, however.

Also thank you, helpful advice and the 'people speak in cliches' will be helpful I think. I do feel however that I already used the 'stage direction' idea. Let me give an example -

"You see...my young boy.." he struggled to say his words whilst holding the boy, "Ambition can kill, dreams can kill. Not by themselves, but together. When men dream..." He pressed his neck deeper trying to ignore the flailing arm that was free, "...and they have the ambition to see those dreams realized, he makes himself a threat to us, to humanity, and to me." Limbs slowly started to tire, screams dulled. "You become an example, an idol, others learn that their dreams are attainable, they stop dreaming of what they want, and start taking what they want." The room stood still for a moment. As the old man let go the boys lifeless body slumped to the floor.
"With you the system fails, with you people believe in their own power and with you! will die freedom."

I tried to divide his somewhat long speech as he was killing the boy with descriptions of his actions etc. I don't know if this was what you were getting at? If not please reiterate as I seem to have missed the point. Thank you again though also very helpful advice :)