Matthew almost laughed when Ricki stepped in. His first thought, the first thing that broke its way through his thick skull and into his head, after all this was 'She can't be in here, this is the men's room'. God, he was such an idiot. He looked up at her from his position, slumped on the floor with his back against the toilet, his eyes were glazed over and his mouth agape. He had no clue what she had said, all he could hear was the persistent thump of his own heart as it calmed down. All of a sudden, he was in her arms, his mind suddenly clicked back into reality.
"I don't... You can't be here. I'll..." He couldn't bring himself to say it, he didn't want her to know he was a monster. He was in control now, but he didn't know what would spark his anger next. It never took much and without Roland... At the mere thought of his name, Matthew clenched his fists again and had to fight the urge to lash out and hit something again. If she stayed, he would hurt her. Matthew didn't know a lot, but he knew that. He knew he didn't want to hurt her, Ricki was nothing but a friend to him and the others, but was also sure that there was no way to stop him from hitting her if he went into another rage, and the thought of the ceremony happening as he sat here made his blood boil.
But he couldn't stop himself. He felt like a marionette, his hands lifted to take hers and his legs pulled his limp body to a standing position. He wanted to scream, he really wanted to hit something. Part of him wanted to hit her. He couldn't. What would Roland think? He let her take his bloody hand, he'd let her look at it, do whatever she wanted with it. All the while, he was screaming internally. His body acted independently, a series of numb, lifeless motions. It was all he could do whilst keeping the monster at bay. He wouldn't hurt her, no matter how much his muscles ached. His mind raced at the thought of it, all it would take is the tiniest flick of a wrist to knock her to the ground. Matthew was strong, probably a lot stronger than her. He felt sick about how much it excited him. He let his body take control, and fought the urges. He kept thinking about what Roland would tell him to do, how the others in the group would need him to be strong right now. Roland would need him to be strong. Eventually, after a few moments of standing in utter silence, he managed to speak.
"I'm okay."
---
Izzy turned her phone over and over in her hand, staring at nothing as tears streamed down her face. Keep crying. That's what she told herself. She needed others to know, she needed them to know she was hurting, needed to make sure that they knew that they were allowed to hurt too. She needed to hurt, that's what she was good for. Her pain helped others. She kept telling herself that, slowly yet surely rotating the phone in her hand. She focused on the knot in her stomach, on the pain in the back of her head. Hurt.
She meant nothing in the grand scheme of things, but other people were hurting and she had read somewhere on the internet that people were often scared to hurt and that could lead to some sort of mental issue, like bottling up pain or something? It was a long, wordy article that she probably didn't understand, but she figured that if she forced herself to suffer, then other people would feel safe to hurt too, and that meant something to them. She knew that she wouldn't be able to hurt for long before she would be forced to wear the smile again, to let others cry on her shoulder. That's what she was good for. That was all she was good for.
Suddenly, the phone in her hand buzzed, she yelped a little and it dropped to the floor. The noise seemed so loud to her, making the dull throb in the back of her mind flare up, but no-one else seemed to notice. She scrambled to grab it and checked the message. She knew that Chris was just behind her, and part of her wanted to turn around, to hold him and thank him for not thinking the idea was silly or stupid. She was glad to know that she wasn't the only one who thought that everything in the church was wrong, was not what Roland would have wanted. She texted him back, she said that she would appreciate the lift. She was in no position to drive, not like this, but in her mind, it was just another time where she was a burden and her friends were bailing her out. She would have to pay him back somehow.