Illumin0sity

Journey to the East

Despite Noah being angry with Elann, he soon calmed himself as she spoke. Even in his heightened state of annoyance her voice did wonders on his mood. It was the way she spoke that did, not the words within. He had made his points clear, and there was a small relief in him to hear it. Regardless of what Elann thought of his points, it was comforting to see that he had been heard… maybe. He listened acutely to make sure, quieting the guilt he felt in her tears. He was truly relating this conversation to many of the other arguments that had been had, and with his memory he believed it was pristine in his ability to recall what she had said and felt in the past.

She trusted there was love in his words, though she didn’t feel it in their bond. It wasn’t because love wasn’t there in the bond, it was overshadowed by the great sense of annoyance he had for her. It was a quiet love, it was his love, and it was a whisper amongst the yelling. In truth, he was asking for her to trust his words because they were honest. When he said there was love in his heart for her, there was. To him, there was no doubt about it. As he had said many times before, if he did not love her, she would not be the bearer of his bond, nor would have even thought of giving it to her to hold in the first place.

Then, suddenly, she said something that was absolutely incredulous in his mind. She was thankful he hadn’t struck her?

Noah shot her a look as the words came out of her mouth. Never had the thought ever graced his mind, and never would it have ever, yet that came out of her mouth. Is that what she expected from his anger, him to strike her? He was an animal, not a monster, and the fact that she had said that was more than enough for him to glean what she thought of him in that moment. Apparently, if she was comparing him to a man of abuse, it was low.

Noah couldn’t believe her at that moment and it was clear by the shock on his face. That shock softened into a quiet hurt that resided within his core. Because of the hurt he stayed quiet the entire regaling, listening as his mood fluctuated between points of hurt, disagreement, and irritation. He felt as if she was attempting to place the blame on him once again, yet quietly in language that didn’t directly say that he was the one at fault, even going as far as distracting from the point by saying that it was her fault.

Noah didn’t want her to admit fault; that wasn’t the point he was trying to put across and it wasn’t the outcome he was wanting. All he wanted her to do was acknowledge that he had been trying, that he had done a lot in the few months they had been together as bondmates, never minding the fact they were married. Their marriage wasn’t his motivation for changing. In fact, it was the outcome of his changes, of him even considering the idea of marrying her, and of him accepting her spurning of his romantic advances. All of it came from the bond, and it was something he understood more so than Elann understood him or it.

Despite his quiet dejection, he listened on. At least she accepted his apology, that was something that brought a little light to the darkness and lessened the stress that the issue caused on his bond with her. He could feel it there, tautly pulled as they writhed in their loneliness. That was what was creeping up in his mood then, a sense of isolation. At least she had said she would try to understand how he worked, but her actions would speak volumes louder than her words because that was how he navigated the world..

Her problem was timing, and that was his problem with her too. The words she had said about him striking her stuck to him like a brand on cattle. She said she had never intended to hurt him and tried to apologize for it, but that apology fell on deaf ears. He had looked away from her again long ago, looking elsewhere. It was clear that she thought lowly of him, regardless of who she thought she was arguing with, or what for that matter. Whether she thought him a child or a monster, or anything else, that was enough to finish the conversation for him.

Noah felt as if she still wasn’t hearing him. She didn’t think it ridiculous to never seek to hurt the one someone loved, saying she hadn’t sought to hurt him intentionally. He had said, many times, that he did not attend to hurt her with his words nor the tone in which they were spoken. She took them as daggers when they actually were paper with plain writing. It was ridiculous to expect hurt to never happen, that was what he responded with, not that it was ridiculous to not seek to hurt the other, but she didn’t hear that, again.

She was backtracking, and he could hear that. Elann kept attempting to villainize him saying he didn’t like their conversation, but it was a statement of truth. It was clear she couldn’t understand his body language; thus it was easier to say he didn’t like something than to react otherwise. He had not lost his temper until he had yelled, and now that he had did that she was attempting to make him feel bad for it by placing the blame on herself when that wasn’t what he wanted in the slightest. She expected him to get frustrated, annoyed, and confused, yet she didn’t act like she did, and that bewildered him all the more.

Suddenly he found himself appreciating Caesarion’s approach to their bond much more than this one with Elann, and again the silver cord between them was relaxed. It wasn’t lax because he was forgiving her, but because he was done resisting and fighting in something that he could not win. He felt as if he was talking to a deaf person, or someone much more wicked than that. In this moment he could not see what Yahal saw in her.

Noah didn’t say anything but he quieted everything about himself. He didn’t dull the bond between them because it would be hypocritical of him to do that because he requested she didn’t do that. It was, though, suddenly gone all together. Feelings swallowed up and shoved away, and even the weak love that he had for her was barely a whisper on the thread. The fire for this engagement had all but gone out, doused by her incredulous statement of her thankfulness for him not hitting her. Ridiculous, he thought quietly.

When his feelings were all but dead, the quiet buzzing of his bodily activity remained being communicated on their bond. Like a storm suddenly giving away to quiet skies, he took a breath and nodded a few times.

“I understand, and I forgive you,” he lied. “I'm sorry. Can we talk about something else?”

Journey to the East

Again, Noah listened to what Elann had to say, eyes on her all the while. She took his hand saying she knew he loved her but that it hurt her to hear him talk to her in such a way, hurt her to hear how he felt about her when she voiced her concerns. It made her not want to say anything at all, but was that his fault entirely? He shouldn’t talk to her like that, she said. He should never hurt her in anyway, whether he meant to or not.

Noah withdrew his hand from hers, pulling it into a fist so that she couldn’t have it anymore. “Stop asking me to lie to you,” he said. “You accuse me of not having love or compassion in my words, and while they aren’t exactly compassionate, that doesn’t mean there isn’t love in them. It would be dishonest to not tell you what was on my heart, but I’m not going to soften my words just because you think there isn’t love in them. You aren’t in my head, and I can’t help how you interpret my words, but I’m not going to lie and tell you what you want to hear.”

“I said I didn’t want to say your worry was dumb because it wasn’t dumb, but I didn’t know how else to feel about it. I was being honest! Do you want me to lie to you?” he questioned with a deep crease of his brow. “This is civil, this is honest. I haven’t yelled at you, I haven’t intentionally tried to hurt you, so stop it! You felt like I didn’t like what you were saying because it was the truth! I’m not going to pretend I like what you’re saying when I’m don’t, I’m sorry.”

“You tried to mention my sister and mother to make an example out of them, but you hardly know them. Did you ask them how they felt about acting human all the time? You didn’t, did you?” he shot in hushed angst.

“I doubted your love for my true side because I don’t understand how you can love something you hardly have seen and interacted with!” Noah said, huffing from his nose. “I didn’t give you my bond until I felt like I knew you enough to do that. I can count on one hand how many times we’ve been together with me like that, with me being an animal.” He shook his head, one of her points making him particularly annoyed. “I didn’t call you impatient! I was just asking for a little consideration on your part for how long we’ve been together. You took it the wrong way.”

“You felt that I was annoyed with you, because it was true! I was, and I still am annoyed with you, Elann,” he retorted. “I was frustrated already by that point. You asking for my patience didn’t do that. Am I not allowed to feel annoyed, frustrated, and confused?”

“You are not a cage to me, but you can be annoying, Elann. You can be frustrating, Elann. You can be very, very confusing, Elann,” he explained. “I tell you these things because they are true. You can be them to me, my mother can be them to me, and Aimee can be them too. Everyone can frustrate, annoy, and confuse me, just like everyone can annoy, frustrate, and confuse you. You can’t stand here and tell me you have never felt that for anyone or to me.”

“Like I said,” he said, quieting, “I am sorry if my words made you feel that way, and I’m sorry that you feel that way towards them. Yet, like I said, that wasn’t my intention.” He drew a big breath and heaved it out. “I don’t know how you’re not supposed to feel hurt by that; I am not you. You know you’re being annoying when I tell you. That’s why I’m telling you, Elann, so that you know!” He seethed a grunt of frustration. “I know that you were being loving – you’re always loving – but, what you were saying was annoying me. That doesn’t mean your love annoys me, just the words that you said. That is not your fault, just like my words making you feel this way isn’t mine.”

Whether she was looking away or not, his gaze bore into her. “Do you want me to lie and tell you that every single member of my family is going to like you?” he asked, humming to cement the question. “I’m not going to do that because it is untrue, it is dishonest. I’m sorry that you felt crushed by them, but I cannot take back what I said. It is out there, and you have already felt that way.”

“I should never hurt you ever, you said,” he repeated, looking at her. “Do you understand how ridiculous you sound? If that’s the case, you should never hurt me either, Elann, but you have! What kind of hypocrite are you?” he spat in mounting anger. “I can’t control how you feel! I can’t, so stop acting like I can!”

“The one time I stay here to have this conversation with you, you can’t take what I have to say. You believe it’s unfathomable for me to have emotions of annoyance, frustration, and confusion. That’s being human, isn’t it? Having these emotions towards anyone, right? You know, so far, even before we were married, I’ve felt like you’ve blamed everything on me, or on being Benshira, or on Yahal’s rules. When have you blamed yourself for something? Stop making me a villain!” he shouted.

Noah clicked his tongue in irritancy, looking away from her finally. He muttered an obscure Fratava phrase in his annoyance. After a moment he took a breath. “It’s always about how you feel,” he said. “You assume all these things about me without asking because you’re afraid of how I’ll react. I got annoyed with you because you keep making these assumptions or speaking in falsities that make no sense.”

He looked at her again. “Aside from now, when was the last time I asked you to change anything? I appreciate you helping me act more like a human, but you expect me to never get frustrated? You expect me to never get annoyed or confused? How unrealistic can you be? You want me to feel emotions, but you only want me to feel certain ones for you, but that’s not possible. You just sound like a hypocrite when you ask me to be more emotional, but at the same time ask for me not to feel certain ones for you.”

“I can’t believe you, honestly. I apologized to you, but I’m not going to lie to you. I’m not going to hide what I’m feeling because that’s what’s in my heart, and we promised to say what was in our hearts. We promised! Now, you want me to break that promise because you can’t handle what I have to say?” he questioned rhetorically.

“I won’t,” he spat.

"You're not even listening to me. You're hearing everything that sounds bad to you without looking at everything else. That's annoying because if you just listened to me, this wouldn't be a problem. I've heard what you were saying, and I've said what I was thinking. Don't make me seem bad because you can't take what I'm saying. That's not my fault," he said, much quieter than everything else.

Journey to the East

Elann stopped, surprisingly. Noah was sure she was going to continue walking. It was what he would’ve did. He wanted to calm her again, to have the walk that she had asked him on. He had thought the walk was innocent in nature, but it was a staging ground for her to confess a few concerns she had in her heart at the time. Now that they were out in the open, now that they had been confronted and rebutted against, she was in tears but still decided to return to his side talking more on the situation. Noah turned and listened.

He heard to her opinion with a growing disagreement already residing within him. It was doubtful Yahal would curse him because of what he said. They weren’t malicious responses, nor did they intend to harm Elann as they had. Aside from that, the harm was emotional, not a strike from Noah’s raised hand, but one of his tactless voice. Still, he quieted himself and listened, his arms retracted in on himself where he had once wanted to hold her in his warmth.

He was quiet for a moment as he considered his words of reply. Noah would reply, but it was a matter of if he would be tactful in this instance. He decided against it still, feeling as if he was still rightful with his words. He wasn’t demonizing Elann, even if she felt like he was. He looked to her as she was looking away towards the trees on their flank. She avoided his gaze for an obvious reason, her voice had already faltered somewhere during her speaking, and her behavior told of the tears coming down her face renewed.

“Me talking like that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you,” he said. “I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with you, nor did I say that. I said you could be annoying, frustrating, and confusing. That’s all. My sister is annoying, frustrating, and confusing. My mother can be annoying, frustrating, and confusing. Nothing is wrong with them, they just can annoy, frustrate, and confuse me sometimes.” Noah looked away from her, facing front with a shake of his head. This was ridiculous, he thought. A mirthless chuckle came from him all in the same motion.

“I did not mean to ‘demolish’ your points, but some of them were unfounded. I said you couldn’t be jealous of something that didn’t happen. If I wasn’t at the post office, I was with you or told you where I was going. I said you weren’t a cage to me, because that’s the truth. You aren’t a cage. You aren’t the Syliran Knights and you’re not Syliras. You’re Elann, the person I gave my bond. I would not have given it to you if I felt that you would trap me somewhere I didn’t want to be,” he said, “and you haven’t.”

“You want me to use ‘soft’ words because they don’t sound as bad, but they’re lying words to me. You told me you didn’t think I liked you because I was quiet in the Stallion that day. Because you spoke like that I started talking more,” he said, hoping she could see the point he was making. “I’m sorry if my words are too hard for you, but that’s how I talk. I’m not trying to be mean to you, Elann.”

He huffed a breath then drew another. “You said you know better than to think I think you’re annoying, frustrating, and confusing, but at the same time you’re going to assume that I do think that all the time?” he questioned with a creased brow aimed at nothing but the air in front of him. “Don’t make that assumption about me if you know better!” he stressed quietly.

“I said sometimes you confuse, annoy, or frustrate me. Not all of the time. Most of the time you are the best thing in the world to me, and just because I get irritated with you sometimes doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I’m sorry if you don’t like me talking like this, but this is how I feel in my heart. We promised that we would say what was in our hearts, and this is what’s in mine,” he said, huffing. “I’m not asking you to change anything, just that you understand what I’m saying.”

Noah drew quiet, his arms crossed over his torso. He wasn’t doing it to seem as if he was set against, or angry with Elann. There was nothing else to hold onto but himself, he felt like. Still, he wasn’t angry with her. He was frustrated, a place between his calm and his extreme that he didn’t like to be. It made his skin itch and he was hot on the inside, his only vent being the fussing he was doing at Elann.

The Kelvic’s breath slowed, his head swiveling to look to Elann at his side. There was a guilt residing in him for her tears, but his words were there and they were what he felt. Cruelty or harshness didn’t come to his mind just because he was being blunt and tactless. He wasn’t wrathful, wasn’t attempting to tear her down. It didn’t appear she could take what he said in any case.

“I’m sorry if my words hurt you, but they are mine,” he finished a whisper.

Journey to the East

The edges of Noah’s words were apparently razor sharp; each point he said seemingly jabbed at Elann. There was a pang in his chest each time he drove a point home, and it wasn’t of his own bad feeling but of Elann’s communicated through the spiritual bond they shared. He had not cut himself off from her, didn’t dull what he was feeling, and though she was sending him calm and loving emotions, he was retaliating with angst and annoyance. He was unapologetic in his speech, and perhaps it was too blunt of a blow for Elann to take, but it was what came when he spoke exactly what was on his mind. Elann, instead of continuing their engagement, shrunk underneath his verbal battering.

It was not his intention to tear her down, to bombard her with his words, and he didn’t realize the gravity of them until her feelings of hurt managed to ebb over his torrent of frustration. Still, he spoke truthfully. At times she did annoy him, at times she was extremely confusing, and she could be frustrating. Apologizing for the words he meant would dull their meaning and so he didn’t apologize for them. He was only sorry for the way they made her feel.

There were reasons he didn’t speak often or spoke little. Noah’s words often held the frank truth of the wild world he reveled in. One could not sugarcoat the death of a hare by his talons or an elk’s broken leg that would lead to their abandonment by their herd because they couldn’t keep up. Tact was for the humans of Elann’s world, and while he understood the delicacy in words, he didn’t practice it because he didn’t feel they were true. If someone made another person angry then they should be told that they’re angry and why. He didn’t feel he should have to delicately trace around why he was angry only to apologize for it in the end. His words were voided then, or their meanings softened to the point where the other person wouldn’t honor the boundaries being put up and maintained.

Noah wasn’t a stranger to receiving the same verbal treatment he dished out, often receiving such bluntness from his father and the other members of his family. Elann was delicate in her words, but there were still frank people out there. Noah had encountered many of them.

In the end, he wasn’t attempting to put up boundaries with his words, and he wasn’t trying to wall her out. Noah wasn’t trying to assault her either, so when her soft words came basically conceding the conversation and allowing him to be rid of it, and her presence altogether, he felt a glimmer of guilt. He sighed from the nose, seeking to quell the frustration within him targeted at her. While it didn’t falter away, it did lessen enough for him to speak.

Noah turned, trailing slightly after her. His long reach tugged on the cloth of her top easily and he stood still, the weight of his body acting as the anchor for the act. “I didn’t mean to offend you,” he said quietly while she remained in his space. “It’s what’s in my heart and I’m sorry if they make you sad, but that wasn’t what I meant to do.”

He let her go after that. If she wanted to continue to leave him then she could, he had no more to say on the matter now that his apology was in the air. He had attempted to soften his words for the apology, and just as he meant the words that had apparently offended her, he meant the words which were to act as the reconciler. Should she continue on then he would assume on his own what she thought of it and him. Her sadness quietly ached along the silver cord than bound them, yet accompanying it was his annoyance and confusion with her, lingering.

Journey to the East

It relieved him more than she probably knew to hear her say that she would likely not fully understand his world, even with years and years of experience. It showed that he wasn’t the only one hopelessly lost in the transition as he felt he had been. Noah felt as if he had been giving up a lot of himself to better fit in the mold set for him by Elann, and willfully put there by himself. It was a mold that he thought would better their relationship, and he thought she would grow fonder of him if he was more human-like, more like her. Even though she constantly told him she loved him as he was, it was hard to believe her all the time, even if he did trust her.

It their trust was measured by the length and love of their relationship alone, his friend Liam would far surpass her. Years he had been with Liam, and in those years he had managed to expose the young man to what snippets of what Kelvic life was like. Liam was just as curious as Noah to a point, constantly questioning the Kelvic on what was outside the walls, how he saw the world from the sky, and more. Noah’s bond with Elann was a great strengthener to the trust between them, but his man’s mind questioned the sense behind some of her words at times.

Her near whining put him off. Noah was truthfully growing increasingly frustrated with her, and her display was more discomforting than its opposite. He believed he was patient with her as well. It was when she pushed his own boundaries did he feel he could lash out. He felt he was easy to get along with; no one else had run into this much conflict with him ever before, but then again no one had spent this much time in his company as Elann had. She said she was desperately trying to learn his world but had spent few times with him outside the walls of Syliras, only going hunting with him the first time because he asked it off her despite her knowing it was one of his favorite things to do. As he had said, he felt he was more immersed in her world than her his. It didn’t matter to him if his world was a minority, or if it was too dangerous, it was the world he lived in.

Elann including herself in his family wasn’t all too comforting either. She was not officially a part of his family dynamic, regardless of their marriage or not. Noah’s family, his pack, was not bound to the rules of gods or the legality of marriage. It would be determined when they arrived in Zeltiva, when his father, brother, and sister would examine her. For the longest time Noah had been without an alpha – he had been solo. Now that he was returning to Zeltiva that would change and he would be subordinate underneath his father again, and by association Elann would be as well. So far as his father was concerned, Zeltiva and the surrounding woods belonged to him, the dire wolf.

She didn’t want to be a cage to him, wanting him to find freedom in her, and wanting to find it in him. Her looking away, her tears, made him click his tongue in some annoyance. He looked ahead again, keeping a loose hold of her hand.

“Stop it,” he said unsmilingly. “You’re not a cage. You’re just frustrating sometimes, and very, very confusing, and kind of annoying. You haven’t felt any jealousy because they haven’t asked anything of me. I didn’t go hunting with them without you, and they were almost always over your house when they would come. They did everything without me.” He looked over to her then, briefly. “I think it will be different when we get to Zeltiva. You like to stay inside, and sometimes that is nice, but I want to go to the parties with my sisters, and I want to go to the taverns with my brother, and I’ll want to go hunting with my entire family again.”

Noah took a breath, filling his chest. “I don’t know how my brothers, my father, or Jocelyn are going to feel about you. I hope that they like you, but I do not know.”

It made him squeamish at the thought of his brothers, Jocelyn, and his father not liking Elann. If they didn’t there was nothing he could do about it, nor would he really want to. Their opinions were theirs, but they wouldn’t influence how he felt about his bondmate. He allowed himself to be bonded to her for a reason, and still saw those reasons in her despite her presentable confusion and untimeable blindsiding with sudden issues. Still, he was unsure if his kin would see the same light he saw in Elann’s brilliant eyes.

“If I gave up on you, or myself, you would know,” he said, facing front again.

Noah was speaking quietly, yet was being blunt at the same time. He knew it, but he was speaking how his father and eldest sister would speak to any other human. He was speaking from the heart and it held a hard truth with it. There was no intent to deceive Elann, nor would he want to. She did not want him to fly away, wanted him to stay there and talk to her. Now he was, and he wasn’t folding beneath her crying. He was hearing her points, but had many of his own to rebut with. The Kelvic wasn’t going to hold them back either. If his wife wanted to engage in this conversation with him, then he would do so in spite of the ache in his legs and arms to be rid of it.

Journey to the East

It slightly annoyed him that she didn’t answer any of his posed questions, only saying that she knew that they hadn’t known each other that long. She said she didn’t expect change overnight, and he understood her. He understood that he often saved the questions for later, but Elann was not him in that regard, he believed. He didn't think she would bring the questions up later to be discussed with a sounder mind. He thought she would hide them away again to bring up in a barrage like this. Noah had, and still was, speaking from his heart to her, telling her what was really bothering him, and it didn't seem she liked it, growing quiet like that.

“It does sometimes,” he said earnestly. “Things that are common sense to you aren’t to me. I’ve had less time than you to learn these things, even if you are from Ekytol.” He sighed from his nose, going on to say, “It’s exhausting to keep trying to impress people that probably don’t care, or I won’t see again. The most I’ve really ever gone to vendors in Syliras is to get gifts for you. Otherwise I would hardly see them, nor would I want to.”

In those instances, he looked like an ordinary man, a quiet, lanky, awkward man. To nearly every human that wasn’t an auramancer Kelvics looked human when they appeared as such. People would be none the wiser lest they were informed by the Kelvic that they were actually a different race. Even Kelvics had not sense of if there was another Kelvic in the vicinity unless obvious tells came like the unabashed nudeness, the sparkling transformation, or the very acute scent of an animal. There were more quiet, and awkward men in the world than there were Kelvics, he was nearly sure of that.

“I don’t know how to help you understand me because my people do not have a culture. We do not have cities and we do not gather like humans do,” he informed her. “If we meet it is by accident, and I’ve only ever met one other Kelvic in my three years of Syliras that I know of. I only knew she was a Kelvic because I talked to her before and after she shifted. All I can show you is what I love, and that is this,” he gestured up into the sky, a moodless breeze gently coming over them, “and you,” he said, reaching for her hand to hold.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve been out here like this, and it’s been a long time since I saw my sister and mother. I want to enjoy it before I’m put back into another city. I would like you to enjoy it with me, too,” he expressed, looking to her again.

Journey to the East

Noah snaked his hand from behind her back and shook his head at her question. “Both are not free,” he stated. “You guys have these rules. You have to be nice to the people you see, you’re not allowed to be mean even when the other person deserves it. If someone offends you, you should tell them. You shouldn’t have to grin and bear it. That’s… stupid.”

“I am not giving up trying to be more human because I know that it’s what you want, and I guess I still want that too. You said you wouldn’t have known my mother or sister were Kelvics if I didn’t tell you, but you would not have known if I was a Kelvic if I didn’t tell you either, right?” he questioned in reply. “I look just like a normal man, don’t I? They look just like normal, human women. My mother acts more human because of Lanna, because she had to if she wanted to avoid suspicion. Sometimes they were in places where she wasn’t allowed to be who she was so she had to hide it in order to survive.”

“Aimee probably learned because she likes having fun and likes going to school, and no one wants to attend parties with weird Kelvics. No one wants us in their classes either,” he said, looking at Elann. “When you yelled at me in the Stallion asking why I wasn’t behaving like a human, you really hurt my feelings. I didn’t want to upset you anymore, and I didn’t want you yelling at me anymore, so I try to talk more, even if I don’t want to. It takes a lot to understand you and your people, and I don’t know how I can get you to understand me.”

“This is me,” he said, raising his hand to gesture to the trees on their flank. “This is you.” Noah used the same hand to gesture to the caravan. “I care for you because you were the first person to treat me like I wasn’t a freak, and I love you for that. I gave you my bond because I felt safe with you. I don’t feel caged, but it is a lot to deal with all this change. It is really, really overwhelming sometimes, Elann.” He understood that the caravan wasn’t her Benshiran culture, but he believed the gesture told of the same humanness between her and the others with them on the caravan.

“I had to learn to talk to a vendor if I wanted to get what I wanted. I learned to do that in Zeltiva. I was sad to leave Liam because he was like you; he was very nice to me, and took a long time to understand me. We met two years ago, and I had considered giving him my bond, but I bonded with Caesarion before I could. Then, I bonded with you,” he explained. All the Fratava speak over the past few days made his words slur on the border between Common and the exotic language, atop of that he was started to get flustered.

“We’ve only been hunting together a few times,” he said. “Love’s a strong word, right? I don’t know if you’ve seen enough of me in the wild to be in love with that side of me.” He pressed his hand to his chest. “You’ve seen me like this more than any person I’ve met. I’ve been with you and those ways more than any person. They are special to me to because I feel safe enough to be that way with you.”

Noah exhaled, dropping his shoulders. “You said you didn’t like me leaving, so I’m not leaving right now even though I don’t like this conversation,” he said. “It’s a lot to change in less than a year, Elann. We met on the 25th of Summer and bonded on the 25th of Winter. That’s not really a long time, right? A year’s not long to you, is it? We haven’t even known one another a year.”

Noah inhaled and brought a hand to course through his hair, coming down the back of his head, the nape of his neck, to rest on his shoulder. He looked ahead, not really wanting to meet her eyes right now. He had said a lot, and it was exhausting to think it all up. He was a quiet person, and much would’ve preferred to stay that way. Yet, as he said, he didn’t want to upset Elann anymore than he had in the past week by either leaving or not saying much at all.

Journey to the East

It seemed Elann appreciated his gesture, giving him a face to indicate her liking of what he said and his rubbing of her shoulder. It warmed his heart to hear her say she thought about his hometown a lot, dreaming about it even. It was a place that was dear to Noah’s heart, and so to see Elann was anxiously anticipating their arrival with good vibes made him feel good about it as well. The touch of her lips against his forearm, her hand holding his arm steady, all of it was just as welcome, especially after hearing her say what she did.

There was a quiet moment between them before she piped up with his name in question. He hummed in acknowledgement, waiting for her to continue. Elann continued but did so with words that made Noah’s insides squirm. She needed to ‘confess’ something held in her heart. Nervously, he listened as she voiced her worries: understanding how she failed to understand a lot about him, wanting to understand it more, going back on how he had once told her he sought to be more human, but recently he was acting more like the animal he was. She didn’t want him to fall ‘far’ into that side because she was his wife and bondmate. She asked if it was wrong of her to feel that way. Her voice was nervous, and the hold he had on her felt uneasy. She saw that the changes were happening since his mother and sister had arrived in Syliras, then wondered if it was all a dumb fear to have.

Noah licked his lips, taking a breath, thinking. Her truthful words didn’t add to the sense of comfort within him, telling him that she truly had the concerns. There were so many of them and it sounded like she had been harboring them until now. The reason being because of their fights on the matter of his changing behavior.

“I remember telling you that,” he said, “when we first met. I guess, now, it’s different. I decided before we bonded that I couldn’t really change who I was completely. Before you came I had tried for two years to be more like them, but couldn’t succeed. I’m just not good with people, and most of them thought me strange… weird… bizarre. The people that I liked the most were the hunters, but that was because they didn’t know I was a man. To them, I was an eagle, another hunter, a comrade.”

He exhaled. “I just stayed like that. I really don’t like Syliras. Before I met you I was considering leaving. Actually, I was waiting for Matilda to tell her that I was giving my room up because I was going to come back to Zeltiva. That’s when I met you, and you said we could see one another again, so I didn’t tell Matilda that I was giving up my room because you said we would see one another,” he said. “That’s off-topic though.”

“I guess, I felt like I couldn’t be… free in Syliras. The Knights were everywhere, the walls were high and sad. I could only be free when I was outside of the walls. I was really, really sad because of it. I was kind of acting human because I didn’t want you to not like me. When you found out that I was a Kelvic, I was scared you wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore. It was why I panicked in the Stallion the first time. You know, when you got angry because I wasn’t talking a lot?”

“I felt really confined in Syliras. When my family came I felt as if I belonged a little more, and now that I’m out here, I feel free again. It’s like someone saying you can only fly when they want you to, then suddenly you can fly whenever you want. It’s like that,” he said, taking a breath.

“I love my family, Elann. With them, I was the freest I’ve ever been. I guess, when they came around I wanted to be with them again. I missed that feeling. It felt nice to hunt with them again, and to see my sister and be with her again.” He shrugged. “That’s all.”

“I don’t want to say your worry is dumb, but I’m not sure how to feel about it,” he confessed nervously.

Journey to the East

Noah listened as she told him about her project. The road was bumpy, and they were always tolling back and forth as the wheels and horses carried them on. At times it was lulling and very calming, the rocking back and forth something like a mother’s. At other times it wasn’t so comforting. In fact, it could be quite jarring, especially when he was trying to focus on the gems. They would roll around the floor sometimes because of the wagon’s sweeping movements. That, when it happened, was quite annoying. He was getting over it though; they had a long way to go still before they reached his hometown.

Elann was a cold person temperature-wise. He supposed being from where the heat was often dry and oppressive near constantly would condition her to that. Syliras was drab in comparison, and while the coolness of spring and autumn were welcomed by Noah, they were trying for Elann. She had arrived during a sweltering Syliran summer, yet it was still probably dull compared to the year-round heat of the Ekytol desert. Noah did not know; he was from a coastal city where summers were hot and humid, only occasionally graced with cool breezes. The winters weren’t as cold as they were in Syliras either. Both of them suffered through the last harsh winter within the castle city. Now they were going to Zeltiva in the spring, a time where the air was crisp was salty air.

“It can get really hot,” he answered. “Not for a little while more though.”

The coolness of winter still held the area, and it was taking the region a while to warm up, a while longer than it did last year. Syna was trying her best to warm the world after Morwen’s wintry reign, that much was apparent by how brightly the sun could shine during the days the clouds weren’t oppressively hanging overhead.

“I’ll keep you warm until then,” he said almost charmingly with a small smile, his hand rubbing her shoulder.

He was going to be true to his word until summer came. Then he probably wouldn’t even want her touching him with how humid the Zeltivan city could be during hot summer days when breezes were little. Usually he was comfortable in the city though because of the openness and lack of walls on one front, the other front being made of natural defenses seen within the mountains and the thin pass that served as the road into the city.

Noah hummed idly after that, a quiet hum that carried a freestyled tune with no clear intention or melody. He was thoroughly enjoying the outside air, the ground beneath his feet, his bondmate, and the birds chirping in the background.

Journey to the East

Elann hadn’t noticed the birds following them. It wasn’t exactly surprising. At this point Noah felt as if he was the more attentive of the two at certain points. This was one of those points. He nodded a few times to affirm that the birds had indeed been following the caravan, and that they indeed inquired about him and Elann’s relationship. It wasn’t all too surprising to hear them ask of such things. He thought of the birds as another race of people, more his kin than the humans he often associated himself with. Bird calls, songs, and coos were just another language he knew fluently.

She looked at him, the wind sweeping at her hair. “That’s like saying I had no idea Benshira talked like Sylirans,” he said, hoping the analogy would help. “We… they… have their lives too, and this is their language.”

Answering him on her sewing project, she said she thought she would be done by tomorrow. He nodded, humming that he did like how it looked. “It’s pretty,” he said, speaking honestly. “I’ve seen a lot of it. I didn’t want to interrupt you though; you looked like you were really concentrating on it.”

Noah had snuck looks at her whenever his mind grew tired of the gems. One of the only things he could focus on constantly without waning interest was hunting. Even then, he often had small breaks to focus on something else entirely, something like his deity and His words.

Noah walked on, wondering if the moment would wane on a little longer in quiet or if Elann would interrupt it again. A breeze came at them once more. It sent the birds overhead in the green branches out to the other side of the road, their calls sounding in the frantic and quick relocation. Today the winds were very quiet, Zulrav’s words not on them this day. It didn’t appear as if the deity was in the sky either, His clouds there and white but lacking the mysteriousness that often came when He was there looking down.

“Do you like it out here?” Noah asked curiously.

Elann was a Benshira from the deserts of Ekytol, and then she came to Syliras, a stone city of grey that was barren of rich, lush life such as what they were immersed in right now. In the eight days they had been traveling with the caravan they had left the territory that Noah had called his, yet these parts were familiar in that they were something he was used to seeing, or had missed seeing immensely. This was probably the most green Elann had witness, and with spring present, the green was only getting more verdant and floral every day.