Illumin0sity

Journey to the East

Elann misunderstood his motivations. It was true he was asking questions that were rehearsed in his mind, but there was no ill intent in them. He didn’t care all too much for Yahal, that was all. He was neutral to the god for the most times. It may have seemed as if he was showing signs of negativity because he disliked being confused and not understanding, it frustrated him, but even that emotion was small here. She, perhaps, took his frustration and questions personal because of how close she was to her god, leading her to misunderstand him.

Hearing her say no one was perfectly pure was reassuring, made him believe she didn’t see herself as above anyone in that regard, more importantly himself. In his mind and world, no one was above anyone, the laws of nature applied to all. He saw firsthand how the mighty were felled by the small, having suffered it himself. Any arrogance that may have came with his status as ruler of a domain had been wounded and partially wiped away, unknown if it would be restored. As a predator though, he could not banish the want to dominate a territory.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I didn’t mean to... offend you.” Even though he still didn’t entirely understand, he said, “We can talk about something else,” giving her the option to broach a new subject.

Journey to the East

Elann’s laugh drew his attention back to her. He didn’t share her humor, it was a seriously asked question. She said she didn’t think of him as impure and unfaithful, listing reasons found in his friends, family, and herself. He maintained his gaze on her until she asked her own question, to which he turned to face her entirely.

“Yes, sometimes,” he said truthfully.

“Can you explain what you mean by ‘pure’? I do not understand, I don’t think the same as you do, both of you confuse me still.”

Noah stuck by Aimee’s own argument regarding both Yahal and Zulrav made from an outside perspective; the two gods were incompatible, so to speak. Where Yahal cared about the faithfulness and purity of mortals and nature, Zulrav did not. It wasn’t beyond the world for the gods to have their own disagreements as well, as they both witnessed in the momentary clash between Oriana and Yahal pertaining to the bear Elann downed. Therefore, Noah did not think it impossible for Zulrav to not care about Yahal or Yahal’s view on mortals and nature.

Journey to the East

Noah didn’t feel as if Yahal was oppressive. He felt as if Yahal was overreaching, assuming, and misunderstanding. He didn’t want to care for Yahal, and he hadn’t before with very little impact on his own life. It wasn’t until Elann came into his life did Yahal seemingly take a place in it that Noah didn’t invite the god to, it felt invading and unwelcome. Elann failed to make it clear to him that she thought for herself half the time, always phrasing her actions in some connection to Yahal. He had argued that point before to no avail and no purchase in her mind, or that was what it seemed like. As he had said, it was difficult to see where Yahal’s influence ended and Elann’s own motivations began.

She spoke of Zulrav, using lightning as an example. Noah looked at her warily and in warning, a sidelong glance that told her to watch where she was stepping pertaining to his god. His relationship with Zulrav was formulated on the basis of mutual respect and understanding one’s individuality without judgement or question, mostly because any of the two would be disregarded as unimportant, shrugged off and given no weight.

“Okay,” he said, speaking plainly. Elann had given her explanation and Noah was unsure how to continue. Speaking with her on religion was exhausting to some degrees, mostly because it was like walking in the dark and being told to see at the same time.

Noah looked in the direction the river flowed from, noting the trees flanking either side further down, how not all of the river was an embankment. Erosion carved its way through hills, leaving flanking ravines made up of moist dirt and clay. He felt the cool air blow from behind him, ruffling up his looser garments of clothing.

“Because I do not worship Yahal like you, do you think I am not pure and faithful?” He did not question his own faithfulness to her or anyone his loyalties may have lied with, so he asked, “Do you think I am marred? Does Yahal believe me to be untrue because I do not pray to him?”

Journey to the East

Noah took a little breath, smelling the crispness of the air directly by the river. She went to answer him. He nodded at her search for clarification, he meant like an object, it was how it sounded to him when she explained it the first time. As she answered him still, he brought a hand to his hair, tugging on one of the curls. His brow furrowed at the mention of him possibly not listening to Yahal’s supposed lessons in purity and faithfulness, words he was beginning to loathe. Loathe them as he may, he wasn’t upset, minorly confused though.

“Yes, that’s what I mean, our relationship and this trip,” he answered. “Is he just using all of this so you can know him better?”

Noah approached the solidity of the shore once more and bent down to take off his shoes, slipping them off before going back towards the sandy shore. With his bare feet in the cool sand, he attempted to sort through his own thoughts on the subject. He didn’t like being used by anyone or anything, it was an uneasing association in his mind.

Journey to the East

Noah ate two more spoonfuls of the mush slowly, listening to Elann as she went on to address his apology. He still failed to understand Yahal, and had stopped trying to. He didn’t get why their marriage needed to be blessed by any deity, he didn’t ask Zulrav to bare witness to their ceremony, though the god showed up anyway. He was more than sure that Elann had prayed for Yahal’s presence at their wedding, though he couldn’t see nor feel the pure god if He was there. He accepted he didn’t understand a majority of the gods, only understanding his own because He was easily understood.

Noah smiled politely at her chuckle, recalling her birthday. They didn’t do anything more than hunting that day, but was more than the nothing she was going to do. He remembered how she used her sling to shoot at the hare he was pursuing from above and how he dived at it only to miss, his talon catching in the snow and his body tumbling into a snowdrift. He remembered the fox they actually managed to down and how Elann landed the crippling blow before he killed it. Before that, he remembered how she touch him for the first time, hesitantly bringing her hand over his head as he ate their first catch, a squirrel.

He closed the small gap between them and set his bowl down in front of her on the rock. Noah chose not to dwell on his confusion with Yahal and any other god but his own, insteading focusing on the fact that Elann found a way to love him. He licked his lips, taking a step towards the river and little his shoes sink slightly into the damp sand.

“Is Yahal using me for you?” he asked, peering back at her. “Is it just about you getting to know Yahal?”

Journey to the East

Noah did not want her to lie about her intentions. As it were it was better for her to be truthful now than to speak falsely. If she did lie, and it was found out later, he would be hurt by it. He still didn’t have it in his being to fight with her, taking whatever hurt she may have inflicted upon him in her explanation in stride. Noah still had it in mind to work off of a clean slate with her since the sensual dark night in the tent a few days ago.

She answered his next question which brought him confliction. He maintained having a hard time understanding one’s devotedness to a deity so much that they were seemingly shaped by them entirely. Elann was the first whom he had met who held any deity in such high regard, looking for laws that would keep her from loving him romantically once she realized she was no longer a Benshira in the eyes of the Benshira.

“I am sorry about that, about making you go against your people,” he said apologetically. Elann’s culture was much richer than his own, his being wafer thin in comparison because it mostly didn’t exist en masse. She knew of the Kelvics and how they failed to congregate in the way Benshira did.

“I…” he said, trailing off. “Nevermind.” He silenced himself further by spooning a portion of the porridge into his mouth. It was void of strong flavors, letting it mostly act as filler for his stomach if nothing else.

Journey to the East

“I doubt it,” he said simply before going into the elaboration of his question, reasking it in a way that drew an extensive answer from Elann.

It was likely Elann would’ve ended up with someone else, more so than Noah with anyone. As she saw, he had a hard time letting anyone else into him personally. No one was spared from him treating them with distance, and only when the distance was overcame were they allowed to see Noah’s inner-self. He was unsure how he would have felt about Elann being with someone else, not that it would have mattered then when they weren’t bonded. He would not have wanted to share her until he could rule her out as interesting entirely. With another man in the picture, a new distance may have formed between them, preventing the bonding and anything else but distant friendship, occasionally seeing one another in the halls of their apartment if he didn’t leave as he initially planned to the day he met Elann.

She said she saw through his initial rudeness and inhumanity. It seemed she loved him long before he did her, sticking around because she felt she could trust him. She said she needed that protection to which he hummed in remembrance and agreement. He recalled how he felt about her when she was still settling into Syliras, how he believed she did need protection if she were to survive the transition into the bleak city. He hummed again when she went over the fight, saying he revealed to her she wasn’t dealing with a normal human. That was the point of him revealing his Kelvic secret to her, and she was the first in which it was revealed in that way, speaking to her growing specialness in his heart.

At the time he did seek to become more human, more normal, at the detriment of his animal roots. His motivation was to avoid any other conflicts with her, to have her aid him in the transition from animal to human, as he was seemingly incapable of doing so himself. It could be said he was seeking a guide, someone to coach him in the ways of humans, all along, and found that in Elann. Like she said, they grew closer because of it. She recalled the letter and he recalled the date: the 25th of Winter. What she ended with was curious though.

“Why were you trying to separate it?” he asked. “Did you not want to love me romantically? Or did you not want to… fall for me?”

Journey to the East

“I mean, maybe one day you’ll manage to pin me down. I don’t think you’ll gain super strength one day, at least I hope not.”

She questioned his question on them just being friends, giving him pause. He wasn’t entirely sure what he meant when he asked, the vagueness of the idea now needing to be expanded upon in order to make sense to him and her. He hummed in the thought, chewing on the bread as he did so.

“Like I said, if we never married and stayed friends, didn’t… move in with one another and stayed in separate apartments. What do you think would have happened? If we bonded but never kissed or held hands like that? I think about it sometimes,” he went, looking at her, “not because I don’t want to be married to you. Just, what if the fates were different?”

Noah was asking questions of her he already asked himself many times before, the scenarios changing and being different each time. However, hearing the questions aloud prompted another he asked: “What is it that made you like me anyway? I was mean to you… and I wasn’t normal.”

Noah recalled the curt way in which he greeted her when they first met in Syliras, how he spoke in clear disregard for her feelings but only to sate his own curiosity on who she was as a person. He was determining if she was ‘shiny’ enough to hold his attention. He also recalled the weeks she took care of him when he was crippled because of his leg. He grew tired of her attention and her care, wishing she would leave him alone half the time but also thankful she came when she did. He supposed that was the start of their relationship, but Elann’s motivations weren’t entirely known to him, here he sought for clarification on what she was attracted to in him mentally.

Journey to the East

“There’re flowers without grass,” he said, partially unsure of what she was really asking. “I see most of the flowers in grass though, there are... meadows outside of Zeltiva. There are a lot of flowers there.”

Noah chewed while she answered him, humming to acknowledge her question but not in a tone that agreed or disagreed. He thought Elann a little bizarre and perhaps obsessive when it came to his lips and kissing him. The action itself was little more than pressing two fleshy parts together, something totally unnecessary to him until Caesarion put meaning into them.

Her playful tone made him laugh at her. “You can’t pin me down,” he pointed out just as playfully. “Maybe one day.” The last was said in a trailing way, as if he was considering the possibility.

“You wouldn’t have,” he challenged. “You can’t sit patiently.” He gave her a lingering look, one that said he didn’t think she could sit idly by and wait for him to kiss her.

A pausing moment came over him as he took another bite, neglecting to pick up his spoon to scoop any of the mush into his mouth. It smelled bland and tasteless, Noah would rather eat something else entirely.

“I have a question; what if we never got married or were just friends?” The Kelvic was curious, asking the question of her, looking at her, then biting down on her slice of bread. He harbored no ill intent with the question, the scenario had went through his mind a few times since their marriage and travel.

Journey to the East

Elann held her bread for him to taking, biting from it little more than once. She said she wasn’t hungry, he wasn’t surprised, not anymore. His attempt to get her to eat more had been futile, but he also didn’t wonder why the other women of her tribe said she was too thin. As long as she healthy Noah didn’t care, but she was a level of thinness which rivaled that of Aimee, and Aimee was thin herself. The wolf was a well constructed being of muscle, meat, and bone, she was lithe and agile. Noah wasn’t sure he could say the same for Elann aside from witnessing her ability with a bow and arrow.

Noah took her bread and put it into his bowl. He was thankful because it meant he didn’t have to eat much of the porridge and could fill up on bread and water. He munched as he followed her through the clearing and towards the bank of the river. Then he watched her climb onto the boulder, moving to stand beside the rock she sat on with one hand holding the bowl from beneath and the other consistently feeding bread into his mouth.

He was watching the river’s flow from east to west, as it was flowing from the mountains Zeltiva laid behind. Elann piped up over the babbling of the river, asking about the rain. Noah shrugged, not dismissively but because he didn’t necessarily agree. He swallowed what was in his mouth before speaking,

“It smells like rain,” he said plainly, “a little like grass, maybe.”

He peered at her, wondering what she was going to say in reply, as he crunched down on the last piece of his own bread.

“What would you have done if I hadn’t kissed you?” He was truly curious. If Elann hadn’t pleaded and nearly commanded him to do so, he wouldn’t have. He would have continued to play the game until he was satisfied with the fun had, and there was no telling when that would be.