Illumin0sity

Journey to the East

There was an immense amount of stress on him following the question being asked, forcing him to say he didn't want to walk alone in order to add another coaxing statement to it all. He didn't feel the uncertainty in himself until there was a pause between her answering him. She did fold, saying 'alright' before sliding out the back of the wagon and then drifting off to the side with him.

Noah thought all those things of her, all ill-seeming things, but he felt he knew her well enough to know the greatness in her personality as well. She wasn't perfect in his eyes, he knew no bondmate or person would be perfect to him. He lived too long without bonding, therefore his personality had already been shaped before the influences of another could leave an imprint on him. Unlike Aimee, who had been bonding on and off for years, Noah only bonded twice and both were deep bonds. If he had waited a few years longer it was unlikely he would've ever bonded, being perfectly content with who he was as a person, independent and fiercely so.

The counterbalance of her overbearing, nagging, annoying, and frustrating was her graciousness and willingness to adapt for him as he had attempted to do for her in Syliras. Right now, there was distance between them and it was clear to him that he was the only one who wanted to talk at all. That would've been fine with him, he would have been able to live with that for as long as Elann wanted to continue her silence, but thinking long term, the bond would be strained to a taut point, something he didn't want to risk personally.

The temperature outside was beginning to cool, and though the wind had let up in its power, it still blew in a constant and moodless way, discernible by him. He knew she got cold easily, giving her a brief look as she hugged herself against her chest, cloistered and defensive. He raised one of his hands to the smoothed charm of his hemp necklace. His mother told him the stone had been eroded away by the wind, and he felt power in it, something he was only beginning to recognize recently. Grabbing it and raising his other hand out vaguely with an open palm, he caused the wind to stop in its blowing, feeling it taper off against his skin in a final, dying breath.

“I'm sorry for interrupting your prayer and work,” he said earnestly, loud enough for her to hear.

He took a little breath and swallowed. “I can live without you,” he said frankly at first. It was the truth, and he felt she could live without him now as well. “I don't want to though,” he continued with more care. “You mean the world to me, and more. For anyone else, I could care less if they weren't going to speak to me, or look at me with disdain, or feel angry with me. With you, it's different. I don't like your silence and I don't like it when you're not jovial. You have the right to be upset with me right now, and I want to apologize for myself, but I also want to do something to fix it now and not later. I think later might be too late for both of us.

“I just truly don't have it in me to... deal with your silent treatment or any kind of silence. Before, I would have left you because I wanted to be away from you, but I haven't left you. I didn't want to be away from you after the fight and you didn't tell me that you wanted to be away from me either. You not telling me anything is confusing. I just want you to talk so I know what's wrong with you. I hate trying to guess what I have to do to get you to talk. Sometimes I am right, but other times I am wrong and it's frustrating.

“Like I said, you have every right to be angry with me and at what I've said in the past, but can you just tell me so I can do something?”

Noah was not adept as navigating social situations. He liked the clear-cutness of the wilderness; it was simple survival, kill or be killed. There were no silent treatments or eggshell-walking in order to ease out of a situation caused by words. She knew they weren't his forte, and so he believed her silent treatment was at his own detriment, in order to punish him in some way. He was attempting to understand it though and believed her own seeming benevolence wouldn't allow her to be willingly vindictive. More than anything in the moment, he wanted her to speak plainly what was on her mind. He was inviting it upon himself, regardless of what lay in store, if anything at all. A lack of words would be plain enough for him, all the same.

Journey to the East

Noah felt a little bad for interrupting her praying, knowing she enjoyed it, being able to speak to her god. At least Yahal actually heeded her words and listened to her. It was more than could be said for other gods and those devout to them. He supposed that could be said for him as well, for someone as unreligious as he was and he managed to snag the attention of a god, probably because of his mother's own devoutness to Zulrav. However, he was unsure on that part, thinking the god was omnipotent like many other deities seemed to be. It was very possible Zulrav knew Noah was going to be born long before his mother or father even met. Perhaps the path to become a Stormwarden had been laid out to Noah when his soul still resided within the body of another, perhaps another Stormwarden now dead and gone. Thinking of fate, he figured Lhex made it so him and Elann met, making him want to speak to her all the more.

Elann came to him, bending down and asking if he was okay. Physically, he was, so he nodded. He reached out for her. “I want you to walk with me,” he said, revealing that the want was there and prevalent in the moment, not a past tense particle of a feeling. “I don't want to walk alone.”

Noah wondered if she still instilled the same domination in him as she did when regarding her as his husband, wondering if he could even command she walk with him just like she could command him to do nearly anything she wished. The difference between their relations was that he was unable to willingly go against her commands whereas she had the independence to do whatever she wished. She could totally disregard him while he could not. He didn't want to evoke a command though, he wanted her to come willingly and see that his want for her to be at his side in the walk went far beyond a trivial desire to not be alone, something he could handle.

Journey to the East

Walking outside off to the side of the wagon, but between it and the one behind them, Noah was allowed to think freely without Elann's bodily distractions. It would've been easier to not care about touching her or loving her if they had remained friends, in status of relationship where it was tacitly forbidden for him to touch her in the ways she had shown to him. However, he knew what it felt like to touch her and to be touched by her. The act of their lovemaking itself was missed by him, for the feelings of emotion, and also because of how she explained it to him in order to be done for more than reproductive purposes: there was no better way for two people to be one than to have one another in that way.

The explanation was enough to catch his attention, the act itself through repetition was enough to keep him captivated. He was able to be vulnerable with her and she him, a deep sense of trust linking them and reinforcing the bond immensely. He was able to withstand her overwhelming passions while they were in the flows of their love and he was able to feel emotion in deeper ways than he had ever felt. Lovemaking with Caesarion was not as powerful as it was with Elann, he admitted. He realized sex with Caesarion was lusty and borderline brutish. While it was filled with love like it was when he lay with Elann, he didn't feel as if the love was as deeply enriched as it was with her. What he blamed it on was the fact that him and Caesarion bonded through a lover's throe after meeting one another randomly. Though they stayed together for a time, and though the bond was forged in the fires of lust, it was weak enough to be broken by the Ravokian without an explanation to the Kelvic.

Noah stuffed his hands into his pockets and huffed a breath, feeling longing in his bond for Elann far stronger and deeper than anything he felt when she wasn't immediately before him. He knew he would get excited to see her when they lived separately and had their own lives, and knew that once he was over attempting to loathe her for visiting him during his bout of depression, he was immensely appreciative for her coming over to save him from himself. Despite her annoying behaviors and confusing way of explaining things to him, he couldn't hate her for it. The listing of pros versus cons had been done several times over in his mind but it all boiled down to what meant the most to him versus what was trivial in the grand scheme of their relationship.

He licked his lips, holding his head down as he watched his bare feet go over the downtrodden ground. After a moment of consideration he shifted in his walking and went to return to the entrance of the wagon, watching as Elann was praying. He had been away for only a small amount of time, enough for Elann to get into her prayers. There wasn't a good time in which to stop her, he figured she could pray from sunup to sundown, so he stopped her then, rapping his knuckles on the wooden floor of the wagon before him.

“Elann, love,” he called in order to catch her attention in full.

Journey to the East

Noah wasn't ignorant to how his words made her feel following the fight, he understood he caused her hurt and was apologetic for it. He apologized in his way, not dipping into behavior that would leave her totally alone in the moment if were he were to go away. He knew he didn't need her permission to fly away, before, she had already encouraged him to go away for as far and as long as he wanted in order to completely retake his flight. If he were to do that now, the timing would be destructive, so he stuck around, knowing how much she disliked his fleeing when something wasn't going well for him. That facet of selfishness was pushed aside in consideration for how she felt, as had other things that were seemingly small to her but rather large to him.

In their fight, he wasn't annoyed with her and didn't raise his voice. He was confused and frustrated over the moment, something very large and overarching as religion tended to be a sore topic for him to discuss. He knew he wasn't like many others in that respect: people who worshiped gods and actively sought to be recognized by them in some way shape or form. He truly didn't even understand his own sister's reasons but he could align himself readily to them because they shared blood and because the gods she worshiped had places in the wild; life, death, fate, all of which took a place on all facets of life, regardless of one being animal or human. He didn't agree with Elann that purity and faithfulness had the stances in nature she may have thought they had, seeing as her versions could and had been easily broken by predators and prey animals alike, him included.

Noah was thoughtful enough to sort through his feelings over the little while between their fight and understand what he thought his wrongs were in the fight. As it were though, she wasn't speaking to him and he didn't want to waste breath talking at her with little to nothing in response. Where she may have felt lonely, he knew his own would pass. He spent years enjoying being alone before Elann and Caesarion, and knew that he could do it again if the silent treatment were to continue, he felt she knew that as well. Regardless of how darkened their bond was, he failed to see her in a vile light. Her saying that he thought her a vicious woman was hurtful to him because he could never see her in that way; to him, it was the same as saying she was glad he didn't hit her in their last fight, something he wouldn't do either. Noah, more or less, was at a loss for what to do in order to fix the situation. He had an idea of what he wanted to do. Seeing as his first step was seemingly spurned, he had been disheartened against it.

He still resided by the trunk, staring into it aimlessly as he thought in on himself. He wondered what she thought and wondered if she was angry. In his mind, she had plenty of reasons to be, though it wasn't to say he was particularly caring of them. Many things that he said against her character were truly felt and said with confidence on his part as an avid observer of how she behaved. He thought she was a very selfish person and someone who loathed herself more so than anyone around her. He thought her outwardly shown kindness was because she couldn't show it to herself. It was becoming clear to him that she yearned for his love of her because there were many parts about herself which she didn't like. His opinions of her had changed little; she was still annoying, as was her god, she was still highly frustrating, and still very confusing to him. All that in mind, his love for her failed to diminish regardless of how tensely it was strained.

Noah took a small breath and moved to take off his underwear, sliding them on down and onto the floor before reaching into the trunk for a pair of his discarded shorts. The day outside, though it had waned, still lingered with warmth and the breezes that once ravished the area were letting up in their strength. He knew it wasn't fully healed, the soreness of his wounds mixing with the ache from worked muscles that once lay dormant. He put on the shorts and made his way towards the back of the wagon in order to drop down and start walking. He moved off to the side so he wasn't walking directly in the sight of the flaps, but could still be seen lingering in the area.

Journey to the East

Noah couldn't help the discomfort he was potentially causing the driver of the wagon behind theirs. He truly didn't care to, feeling as if he wasn't totally naked so it wasn't all too bad for the man. He slept all day underneath the blankets, trapping his own heat under it with him. For that prolonged amount of time, especially since he was waking up hour after hour, the heat would've caused him to sweat and to be uncomfortable. He opted for underwear for various reasons, his own body heat being one of them. Unlike Elann, he didn't deem the inside of their wagon public, thinking the open flaps no different than windows with no drapes or open doors to a house. Thusly, he didn't feel bad for the driver in the slightest.

A little before his drawing, Elann had drew another heavier breath before becoming more absent in the moment than she already was. Their bond was harrowingly quiet and he felt as if it would've been better if they had both cut themselves off from one another so long as the bitterness would remain; at least the silence would be excused by another reason. It was clear she was acting as if he was invisible, something that wouldn't have been heavily impactful if it weren't for the circumstances in which she was serving him with silence. He thought it was clear he didn't want to be away from her or alone in the moment since he had not taken the first opportunity to flee from the situation entirely. He went out at night with his sister in order to sort his own feelings out, but he didn't go far. He had been around from the night of the fight onward, even attempting to engage her in small ways that were unsuccessful.

Noah stopped drawing and examined his work, tracing over the outline with his smallest finger and delicately brushing over shadows with his pointer. He could tell he was regaining what his mind had lost, the skill of his hands being resharpened by practiced. He recalled how much he did enjoy drawing, even if the drawings themselves could mean very little to him. The act of drawing itself and the collection of pieces he had mustered made him think about the man who he indirectly learned how to draw from initially. At a young age when he would people-watch, he spotted a man in one of the parks doing the same thing he did today: sketching. Through many weeks of observation and mimicry done at home, Noah had developed some small skill in art himself. Eventually he drew upon the courage in order to confront the man and confess it all, having to reveal his Kelvic secret. The confession landed him more professional lessons, the man charmed by Noah's interest and dedication.

Noah realized he was thinking about that and staring down at his drawing, his fingers hovering as if waiting for the next command. The one he gave them was of retreat as he closed the book and went to stand up again, returning to the trunk in order to put the journal back and stuff the pencil in the corner, under some clothing, so it wouldn't break. Standing there, Noah didn't understand the point of Elann kissing him if she was going to continue on with her treatment of silence. He personally would have rather been left alone and not teased with the smallest of affections if silence was only going to continue. It was quizzical to him but didn't dwell on it, he dug into the trunk to retrieve the box holding gold and other small baubles. From the box he pulled out his old mirror, the one that stood upon his wardrobe in his bedroom in Syliras, and raised it to himself. He looked at his face, noting how his own failure to continuously groom himself was beginning to show, probably moreso to himself than anyone else.

His hand went over the growing hairs of his chin and jawline, and he pulled non-destructively at the ones over his upper lip to test their length. Once the brief examination of his face and eyes were done he set the mirror back in the box and replaced the whole thing into the trunk. He had been counting the days since their departure from Syliras and knew there were only a few left to travel. From what he saw of the wilderness yesterday they were drawing nearer and nearer still, the woodlands starting to thin out in favor of meadows and grassland sparsely decorated by trees. Herds of deer would become commonplace, seen from afar, as would wild boars, foxes, and wolves if they dared to venture out from the protectiveness of the treeline. Noah, himself, couldn't wait for the finally stretch to the done.

Journey to the East

Having been asleep, Noah hadn’t felt the winds or heard Zulrav’s whispers on them. He was ignorant to the breezes’ power since whatever came inside the wagon was a tapered off and whisper-less version of what was felt outside. Whether or not they were beckoning the Stormwarden out to play with them and to have them lift him in the air near effortlessly, he didn’t wish to be outside with them. If it was urgent, if the Stormwarden was truly needed, the gusts wouldn’t have been kept at bay by what was thin canvas in comparison to what Zulrav could conjure with His power.

Noah’s sleeps were dreamless, he constantly fluttered in and out of them as the hours waned on, but he didn’t rise as he only sought more sleep in order to pass the day. It seemed his seeking was mostly in vain though, as night had yet to come even though it felt as if he had been in and out for more than an afternoon. From what light strewn in from the back of the wagon he could tell it was around midday, the sun beaming down through what was a cloudless sky. Reaching out, the tiniest fragment of his god couldn’t be felt. The absence of Zulrav in fullness didn’t mean the winds were without words and moods though, all the Stormwarden had to do was grace them with his presence in order to ascertain how they felt and what they sought after, if anything at all.

Noah heard Elann’s weighted sigh, watching her recoil to take the breath in order to expel it. He wondered what was on her mind, only discerning thoughtfulness from her face without reaching into their bond. He wished he could read her mind some of time, but not knowing if her relatively gentle way with words was hiding what she truly thought inside was frightening to him. She brushed her hair and drifted to the back of the wagon in order to strip the bristles of shedded hair and caught blades of grass. He observed her in relatively silence, the only noises coming from him being his breathing and any shifting he would have to do in order to see her clearly with his eyes.

After she returned the brush to its place, she grabbed the beginnings of one of her weaving projects and sat. He continued to peek at her while she started it, mostly caught up in the motions of her hands, as he always was whenever she worked on something in front of him. It was clear to him he wasn’t getting back to sleep, not with her there and being distracting, though he didn’t loathe her for it. After a while he finally rolled onto his back, moving the blanket off of him in the same motion before sitting up with his back to her. He stretched and rubbed his face again, wiping any residual sleep from his eyes before stretching, his hands over his head and his back arching as much as it would against the wound. There was pain of course, and he felt sorry Elann had to deal with it as well, albeit in a dulled out form depending on how attentive to him and the bond she was. He had learned to block out the pain she communicated down their bond, having no choice to do anything but since she experienced a relatively routine pain every three weeks or so.

Her monthly aches were utterly foreign to him when they first started. He never had to deal with it in Caesarion because the former bondmate was man. They were something he was used to by now though, one thing amongst others that he accepted as a part of Elann and their once-new bond.

Noah stood all the way up, his body draped in near nothing but the underwear covering his midsection. He couldn’t decide if he preferred underwear or shorts more, the former allowing him to be closest to nude but also being less presentable in public than the latter. It was an idle thought, the Kelvic moving to the trunk in order to retrieve his journal and pencil. He set them atop the trunk after closing it again, letting them stay there while he went to the corner in order to pour himself a cup of water. He took his time in drinking it, turning to face Elann and survey the premises and then watch the horses behind their wagon trot on and on at the behest of the driver. When the cup was emptied he set it back down on the floor with the few others and the pitcher containing their family’s water. He retook his journal and pencil and moved back to the bed, leaving it unkempt as he sat down in the spot he once lay on in order to draw, resting the journal on his knee. He drew for as long as Elann worked, though none of the draws were of her or seemingly related to her.

The sadness he once felt had all but fled, replaced by contentment since he was existing quietly with Elann. If the situation were not as tense as it seemed to be, he would be more than content. Since it wasn’t, content was as much as he could be in the moment. Noah drew upon his font of patience, deciding to use drawing as a way to pass the time instead of sleeping, something perhaps less self-destructive than wasting away. He was fairly certain he didn’t want to fly anymore, not without Elann’s witnessing and urging. He had been convinced to fly before by Aimee, partly because he wanted to aid in the hunting party. The reason wasn’t entirely selfish either, he did want to help the others in the caravan. He could do so by doing what he did best, using the skies to an advantage. He wasn’t allowed to take down bigger prey like he would have liked, but his sights and warnings and little tactics were invaluable to the hunters after Aimee explained to them what to look for in Noah’s signs made in the sky.

Journey to the East

Noah shifted minutely and uneasily as the Elann’s footsteps grew louder on the floor as she approached the bed where he lay. The blanket was bid away after she stopped, the tension in her bond felt and reflected with murmuring sadness on his part. The minorly low feeling was temporarily washed away when he felt her lips on his temple. The kiss was brief and fleeting, and what was once alleviated returned to remain over him as he felt her get up and move away from him again, the blanket replaced over his head before she did move.

He untucked a hand from under the pillow and brought it through his hair, of which was being bushy and unkempt more and more since they were travelling. The Kelvic had been rather unpracticed in his own grooming, something he was never lax in until his most recent injury and the past few arguments with Elann. The last time he had bathed was with Elann’s help in getting him to the river, and though it had been offered for her to shave him, it didn’t happen.

Noah brought down the blanket from his head and peeked at Elann from the floor, watching her retrieve her brush. He noticed the green blades of grass in her hair, obvious amongst the darkened reddish tinge the strands had. His gaze was soft on her in consideration mixed with other emotions not completely discernable by him, each one quietly residing with the others in his gut and along the bond.

Journey to the East

By the time the fun ended Aimee’s hair was riddled with blades of grass, much to her own annoyance. She didn’t show it though, pulling out of the war when Elann did in order to comb through her hair somehow. Elann excused herself, to which Aimee waved a silent goodbye, crossing over to the other side of the wagons in order to avoid the still-grass-throwing children. All the while, she was combing through her hair, picking out blades of grass when she could see them or feel them, foreign against her strands.

Inside the tent, Noah was in the place as before, the bed, turned on his side with the curliness of his hair peeking out since the rest of his being was hidden underneath the covers. The entire time Elann was outside his portion of the bond had been deathly quiet, telling of him either being sleep or relatively unfeeling. The former was true up until Elann came inside, causing him to stir away but not reveal himself entirely. He used the bond to tell it was Elann in the tent and not Aimee, all without peeking.

He wiped his face under the blanket and shifted onto his stomach, clutching the pillow beneath his head and closing his eyes again. The need to sleep was nonexistent but the want was prevalently yearning to be fulfilled again. Though his eyes were closed, he laid awake, unable to fall asleep right away after being woken up by Elann’s returning presence.

Journey to the East

“Ah, yes, how very riveting,” Aimee said in teasing sarcasm.

Elann raced ahead, giving Aimee a side-eye the Kelvic didn’t initially respond to. She was enjoying the little walk and wasn’t bored with it just yet, but it seemed Elann was attempting to be jovial in her actions. Eventually she did chase after Elann, closing the gap with a brisk sprint before the grass was thrown at her. She indulged the Benshira in the game, playing along as if they were children while the actual children ran amok between the caravan cars.

Chaos is Freedom [with Noah]

Seeing Caesarion and hearing the man’s voice were getting to the Kelvic. They made him far more emotional than he had been in the past few months. He had felt rather numb in comparison to now, where his heart was in pain but beating rapidly all the same. He was flooded with feel-good emotions in seeing and hearing Caesarion, but his mind sought for sense and reason, making each beat hurt against his sternum. It didn’t help their bodies were close again, and although the Kelvic was very much a hot blooded being, Caesarion’s heat seemed radiate stronger.

Noah was asked what he wanted to do, what his heart and body told him. A kiss was placed upon his mouth, after which he licked his lips to taste what remained. It was uplifting to hear Caesarion confess his love, but it was conflicting to have his own feelings begged to be confessed and addressed.

The final question weighed heavily on the Kelvic’s mind, giving him an immense pause. In that pause, his hand came up and rested on the muscle of Caesarion’s chest. The mound of flesh felt familiar yet foreign at the same time. He realized that was how he wished to describe Caesarion in that moment: familiar yet foreign. His gaze fell from the connection and looked to the tiniest space between their shoes instead, thinking and considering. There was still a great amount of love in his heart for Caesarion, the space was never evicted. Instead, it was hidden behind a brick wall of new memories and emotions. They didn’t last long against the emotional onslaught his former bondmate was causing, breaking down each layer of the wall in order to reveal the deeply hidden tenderness, a treasure.

“I believe it is you who should call me selfish,” Noah finally said. “Even after all of this time, after rehearsing this conversation in my head day after day after day, I still disregard the words you say because I realize that I’d rather face death in an attempt to save you than to have a bond broken again. I don’t know if it speaks of love or of foolishness, or of foolishness caused by love.” He smiled softly, looking up at the man again.

“You just kissed me,” he went on, “something I didn’t think I would feel ever again, outside of my dreams. The dreams you’ve been in night after night to no end, especially recently.” He shook his head slightly in disbelief. “Maybe dreams do actually come true? Maybe Lhex was giving me a sign that you would return to me, that I would feel the touch of your lips and... your hands.”

Noah licked his lips once more, trailing his hand from Caesarion’s pectoral to go down the man’s ribcage. “What does moving forward mean for me? For you? Us?” he asked. “I have a life here in Kenash; it’s better than what I could ask for after my past, after you and another. What do you suggest I do?”