Muse stopped walking, pausing for a moment to let Callum’s words simmer in his head before responding. “You know what? I don’t know.” he snapped, turning around to face the boy. “I thought I used to know — thought I was a roleplayer. But as time went on, I realized my memories of the real world were just so… hazy. I could hardly remember a thing about the place. And as I thought about my memories long and hard, I realized they didn’t make much sense either. All the events in my life were just stitched together so loosely, like, like the narrative of my life didn’t even flow properly. It didn’t make sense. Have I really been here long enough to forget so much of my old life? No, that can’t be it — because my memories of this world feel clear as day and yet I can’t bring myself to think that I’ve been here longer than a year, or even a few months! And yet, I don’t even remember my old name! The only name in my head is ‘Muse’, not that I remember how the hell it got there, and it definitely couldn’t have been my birth-name unless my parents were really hoping for a girl. Add that to the list of things that don’t make sense. My whole life doesn’t make any fucking sense.” he seethed, having completely lost the smiling, hopeful persona he displayed only moments ago.
“So besides that elephant in the room that I’ve been ignoring up until now, what other questions have I been dodging, according to you?” he glared at Callum. “Because I said I’d answer any question I could, and so far that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve told you about the Guild world, I told you about GM, and I even taught you how to create fucking Pokemon attacks out of thin air! But unfortunately, that’s all I can teach you about. Because I don’t know what GM is, or where he came from, or why he dragged you all here. If I’m a ‘tutorial character’ then I must be a real shitty one, because I’m sorry but I don’t have all the answers!” he yelled, emphasizing each of those final words as he spoke. “Okay? I’m not God. I’m not programmed to protect you, or to teach you all the answers — I’m just a simple guy attempting to do those things. I might seem omnipotent to you but I have limits — especially mental limits.” he growled, finger on his forehead. “I’m in a world of roleplays attempting to stop a godmodder, all while doing everything I fucking can to find all the roleplayers here, protect them from the billion-and-one dangers here, and help them cope with the tragedy of what’s happened, and I’m failing at it!” he screamed, breathing heavily. “…Do you even know how much death I’ve seen these past couple days?” he whispered, now visibly shaking. “How many roleplayers I couldn’t save? How many of them died to some zombie apocalypse or how many just… vanished as soon as I turned my head, or even so much as blinked?”
“So I’m sorry,” he continued, panting, “Sorry that I tried to put on a happy face, and cover up at least some of that grief and stress with whimsical transformations and fucking pop culture references, just so that I wouldn’t be falling apart in front of…” he trailed off as his eyes landed on Books and Rae. “Well, in front of all the people I was trying to help.” he growled. “Because I figured if I could at least stay upbeat, and comforting when I need to be, then I might keep us all from falling apart.” he breathed heavily as he tried to calm himself down, at least a little.
“But you know what?” he continued. “If you really think I’m a useless guide, if all my attempts to help are really stressing you out that badly…” he glared at Callum. “Well, like I said, you’re not a de-clawed cat! Feel free to try to survive on your own.” he seethed. “And I’ll just help the girls to survive.”
And so he turned his back, and walked back towards Books and Rae. “Sorry you had to see me like that.” he panted, still catching his breath. “If you need me to be honest about the situation, I will. I don’t know why GM chose you guys, but he did. It sucks, but that’s what happened.” he told them, finishing with a much softer tone. “Least I can do is help you girls find some shelter…”
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