Neve

seated and sweating || b&r

Brendon honestly thought it was getting a little ridiculous now- he wasn’t used to being so embarrassingly desperate and almost needy, and his excuse the next morning would inevitably be ‘I was tipsy’ and ‘I haven’t had any physical intimacy in months’, but he would know that really he was just vying for Ryan’s attention that much that he was willing to sacrifice whatever sense of dignity he had just to get his ex (were they still exes? He wasn’t even sure, they certainly weren’t acting like it) to kiss him. Unfortunately, Ryan didn’t seem to care about his desperation even as he wrapped his tie around his hands and tugged with considerable force, trying to pull him down to his lips. When he couldn’t, though, he remembered the difference in size and strength and even that made him a little weak. Brendon was gone, he was enamoured, he was obsessed again- and he realised distantly he’d never stopped, he’d just suppressed it. Now he could touch again, and he wanted to taste. Ryan, annoyingly, didn’t seem to feel that sense of urgency.

It wasn’t like they had all the time in the world. They were at a party, for God’s sake; Brendon was almost expecting that if he turned around, Gabe would he standing there with their phone, recording it. He was past caring at this point, though- even still, he wanted the moment to themselves, not interrupted by some annoying guest who wanted to get to the cocktail umbrellas that were on the counter behind where Ryan and Brendon were leaning, pressed together, Ryan’s hands at his waist, looking way too compromised to think of any plausible excuse for. Brendon silently told Ryan that this kiss he was taking forever to gear up for was worth it, and all he got in return was a laugh, to which he retaliated by pressing his hips closer, intentionally. That would wipe the smile off his face. Brendon realised whether they were on the same level of almost ridiculous sense of urgency, because he was barely keeping it together and Ryan was taking forever just to say something dumb and serious.

Sure, he got that Ryan was wary- Brendon had dumped him, after all- but Brendon really wasn’t in the mood to apologise or rekindle the more emotional parts of their relationship right now. Yes, he was still in love, but that could wait. Why couldn’t it wait? Frustration was rampant now, and he responded to what Ryan said with short answers, hoping to slice whatever meaningful conversation Ryan had planned in half. Again, it wasn’t like he didn’t want this side of their relationship again- in fact it was probably his favourite part (well, he liked to say so)- but he was tipsy, and different thoughts were running through his head and he kind of really needed to take a cold shower. Luckily, finally, miraculously, Ryan finally got the picture, and Brendon almost short circuited, almost forgetting to breathe.

One of Ryan’s hands was at the back of his neck and the other was joined with where Brendon was holding onto his tie but he didn’t close his eyes yet, he instead made eye contact for a few moments before he let them slide shut and leaned in almost involuntarily when Ryan finally kissed him, practically lifting him into it. Brendon’s hands pulled away from his tie after a moment and dropped down to Ryan’s hips, holding on. He let himself blank, melting a little, chasing when Ryan pulled back and finally inhaling, short of breath. Brendon opened his mouth to speak and took a few seconds to register that Ryan’s mouth was now at his neck. ”What are you- fuck,” He took a sharp intake of breath, feeling himself heat up again. Sorry to make you wait. Brendon just kind of hummed incomprehensibly, letting his eyes close. ”You’re fucking- evil.”

Distantly, Brendon registered that the long buildup was worth it, that the end result was worth the wait by far. Scenes were playing behind his eyelids, things he was entertaining that would happen if the circumstances of this reunion were different- more secluded. He blinked hard, moving his hands from his hips to his waist and then to the counter, a hand on either side of Ryan’s body. ”I missed this, too.”

two hearts in one home || r&a

Though it probably hadn’t been Ari’s idea of a great day out, just going out on a wander on a day like this was River’s ideal way to spend time- the weather was stunning, the sun high when they set out, the sky a muted azure, scattered with clouds. There was a gentle breeze- River could feel it against his skin, and when it tousled his hair, and every inhale was fresh and rejuvenating and this, he could already tell when he first stepped outside, was going to be a good day. Honestly, if it had been up to him, he’d have been perfectly okay with going out on his own to wander outside by himself, alone and enjoying his own company; but unfortunately, nobody was quite comfortable with letting a severe narcoleptic go out on solo adventures in the wilderness. His mother had made it very clear that she didn’t want him going out alone, and River’s first choice of companion was predictable. There was only one person he was willing to spend an entire day alone with, so if Ari was unable to come out that day, he’d be staying at home. River was definitely not the kind of boy to disobey his mother.

As was expected, when River had first turned up at Ari’s door with the suggestion on his lips of actually spending some time outside, he didn’t quite get it out in time because Ari had immediately stepped close to meet him in a kiss, and for a few fleeting, gentle moments, he kind of forgot all about it. It was kind of embarrassing, but he chased Ari anyway when he pulled away before following him inside, wondering how the hell he’d butter his boyfriend up enough to comply with his suggestions. Even River didn’t have that power- or so he thought. All it took, apparently, was sitting on his bed, with Ari’s head in his lap as he carded gently through his hair. A few minutes of that and it felt sufficient enough to finally ask, trying to keep his voice breezy and light, twisting strands of pale blonde hair around his fingers and stroking across Ari’s cheekbone with his free hand. It’s a nice day, He had offered, shifting slightly. I think we should go outside.

Naturally, Ari was initially reluctant, but caved quickly enough that it even surprised him. River had smiled and brought Ari up to meet him in a chaste kiss, hands resting at his waist until they rose. Feeling a sense of triumph, he took his boyfriend’s hand and lead him downstairs and to the front door, opening it and shutting it behind them, closing his eyes when he was faced again by rays of warm sunlight and the gentle breeze. River expertly ignited Ari’s complaints about it being too bright and lead him off down the sidewalk, not really having a clear idea of where they were going at all and deciding to let his feet do all the thinking. He let himself focus instead on Ari, who, despite trying to hide it, was clearly in a very good mood and was enjoying himself almost as much as River.

They were so distracted by eachother that, when they ended up in a very rural area, walking down country paths past expansive fields, they didn’t really notice until Ari stopped and questioned where they actually were. A few moments, and helpless shrugs later, they started laughing, joyful apathy kicking in as they decided to just wing it and get even more lost. Neither of them really cared- they had eachother. It wasn’t said out loud, though, because Ari would back out of being too sweet and River was kind of enjoying himself too much to cope with Ari being annoying. Eventually, after about twenty minutes, they decided to vault a fence into a semi-overgrown meadow. It was now mid-afternoon, and the grass was almost pale gold from the sunlight that shone through the canopy of a tree standing by the edge of a stream that cut around the edge of the field. They both gravitated towards the centre, and when River spotted some dandelions growing in multitude, he sat beside them, waiting for Ari to drop down with him.

They had been lying there for half an hour, and River was just lying on his back, his arms folded behind his head and his legs tangled with Ari’s. Ari was sat up a little, propped up on one elbow, and River could barely look at him because the way the sun hit him was painfully pretty. Everything was bathed in a warm glow and he had to keep his eyes fixated on the drifting clouds or the emotion would get too much for him. It was a miracle he hadn’t had an episode already. ”Hey,” He murmured suddenly, gesturing vaguely at the sky and then propping himself up on his elbows, nudging Ari’s feet with his own and tilting his head to the side to try and squint at him. ”Aren’t you glad I dragged you out today?” His voice was gentle and teasing, and he fell back again with a smile, his hands shading his eyes this time as he settled back into the grass, listening to the melodic whistles of the birds overhead.

seated and sweating || b&r

Brendon didn’t think they ever started things off on the wrong foot- Sure, it was kind of backwards in theory, with confessions of love coming before dates and kisses before even admitting romantic feelings or attraction, but it never felt wrong. In fact, he liked it better the way they did it- there was no awkward stage, no waiting around (okay, so maybe eight months of suppressed attraction could be classed as waiting around), and no blurred lines. Everything had always been clear between them and their relationship, up until the end, was affectionate and loving and Brendon had been genuinely happy. He still kind of hated himself for bolting so suddenly and costing him months without Ryan in his life. Brendon had overestimated his ability to survive without kisses or attention for extended periods of time, and since he reallt did thrive on other people’s appreciation sometimes, it was true that Brendon did have the capacity to have crushes on people and desire intimacy again when other people would have thought it too soon. It didn’t mean that Ryan didn’t mean that much to him- he just kind of craved the connection, and searched for it even though he knew in his heart that people like Ryan only came around once in a lifetime.

Perspective was all well and good, but Brendon was kind of bored of looking back and now wanted to look forward into what he hoped was a future with Ryan. Fuck past Brendon and his delusioned fears and subsequent choices. He was fully ready to kind of forget that the past few months had actually even happened. In a few weeks it would be just like a strange fever dream. Unfortunately, Ryan didn’t seem to agree; he wanted to address it ‘head on’ or whatever. Annoying. We always act first, talk later. And it worked so far. Brendon wasn’t sure what point he was trying to make, but he didn’t much care, because oh fuck, Ryan’s hands were at his waist and his breath hitched. I just wanted to do it right this time. Brendon opened his mouth to say something like are you saying the first time I kissed you I did it wrong, but given their situation as a broken up couple possibly in the process of ‘kissing and making up’ (with not enough kissing for Brendon’s liking), he kept it to himself and just kind of nodded.

I think... maybe the distance wasn’t a mistake; it certainly helped me get some perspective, personally. But. Impatient, Brendon reached up again to hang onto his tie, pulling on it a little in the hope of urging him on. No such luck- he wondered exactly how desperate he came across, and exhaled. ”True, but you also got fuckin’ taller, and you’re still... frustratingly hot. I-“ Brendon’s low voice almost surprised himself, and he twisted his other hand around Ryan’s tie too, looking up at him through his eyelashes. ”I think if there’s another second of ‘distance’ I’m actually going to die.” There was no embarrassment in his tone, just unabashed honesty, because Brendon really was going to go crazy. He swore Ryan was doing this on purpose.

It would have been nice to come here with you. It'd be nice if we did everything together again, like we used to. So, this was his way of asking him out again. It was a crime how somebody could be so endearing and so annoyingly attractive at the same time- the qualities shouldn’t mix, and Brendon couldn’t conjure up anything to say and simply nodded, fully not caring whether how enamoured he felt showed on his face any more. I don't want to just- try to forget you, after this party. I don't think I could. ”Then don’t,” He said, softly, feeling himself melt into him when Ryan pulled him closer, the contact making his heart ache in the best way. Sure that this was the moment, he closed his eyes apprehensively- to be greeted by nothing. Brendon’s grip on Ryan’s tie tightened substantially.

You weren’t sure, back then. How do you feel now? Brendon studied him for a few moments, blinking slowly when Ryan’s hand fitted around his face and jaw, framing him gently. Only around Ryan did he feel so comfortable, so wanted, so gentle, so safe and so in love. There was nothing left to question. ”I’ve never been so sure of something in my life.”

oh such torturous things ;; b&r

In contrast, Brendon definitely knew that this was reality and not some wistful dream- he’d dreamt so many times, daydreamed even, about such a situation, that he recognised the feeling and the warmth and the ache in his heart was definitely happening during a waking moment. In his subconscious, everythiNG was vague and dreamlike and Brendon could only imagine concepts and not touch, or true sensation. This was engaging all of his senses- his sight, as he drank in both the sunset painting the skies and Ryan’s offensively beautiful eyes; his hearing, as he detected both slight breaths and the steady fall of rain; his tactile senses, as he met him constantly in kisses and rested hands at Ryan’s waist, hip, jaw, neck, hair; and obviously his sense of taste- his bandmate’s lips, he noticed distantly, were somewhat sweet; or he had just eaten too much candy and now all he could actually taste were the remnants of sugar. It was overwhelming, in a way, but also comforting. It was all overshadowed by a euphoric sensation that could only be described as finally.

Because he was so distracted by the present, taking everything he could moment by moment, Brendon gave little thought about the long run. He tended to live in the moment, and at that moment, all he could think about was that he could get used to this. And he had plenty of time to. Ryan was talking, though, and managed to be patient enough not to immediately complain that he had gone moments without kissing him. Something about- dates? Brendon supposed they had been rather unconventional in their approach to the situation, and he kind of clicked his tongue absently, wondering what Ryan was getting at. Honestly, he just kind of said whatever his bandmate wanted to hear- he didn’t have the attention span for such a long discussion, and he would much prefer to go back to how they were a few moments ago. Kissing. Though he was frustrated, somewhat, he did figure that if he took the delayed gratification route (as in, standing up and moving over into the cabin), it would be worth the wait for closeness again. So he brought them both up to stand.

That’s- Brendon raised his eyebrows expectantly, but not really. He knew he was being cringeworthy, but he was allowed to be; he’d just confessed his love, for God’s sake. You’re sweet. Better. ”I know.” Brendon looked very pleased with himself, grinning almost crookedly. He watched as Ryan turned and leaned to pick up the journal, which Brendon honestly would’ve forgotten otherwise; though it wasn’t like he needed it- now the lyrics he had written were entangled with this memory, he’d never forget them anyway. And I was thinking the same thing. Why do you think I come out here so often? “Because it’s kind of cramped and humid even when it’s freezing outside?” Just more excuses to see you. Aw. Brendon felt himself melt a little, following his bandmate as he backed up towards the cabin door, out of the rain, and took the journal from his hands when it was offered to him.

So you wouldn’t mind- I mean. Brendon almost frowned, because he’d been moments away from kissing him again, and silently asked Ryan whether he was always this bad at taking hints. Either way, he semi-patiently heard him out. We could call eachother boyfriends, right? Imagine that. Immediately upon the mention of the word ‘boyfriend’, Brendon was entertaining the concept. His boyfriend, Ryan. He played with the label in his head, and decided he was... more than happy to use it. His easy smile kind of betrayed that before he even answered. This is Spencer, this is Jon, and my boyfriend, Brendon... ”You’re so awkward. I love you. And, yes, you can call me your boyfriend. Fuckin’ obviously.” Smiling faintly , he closed his eyes when Ryan leaned in to press a kiss against the corner of his mouth, basking in the attention.

Then, upon the realisation that their time outside watching the dwindling sunset was over, he mourned it briefly, knowing that the evening would be one he could recall for the rest of his life, and frustrated he couldn’t experience it again. He’d give anything to rewind to beginning and experience the cocktail of emotions and sweet kisses again, but instead he had to stand by the front door, wondering what the hell they’d say to Spencer and Jon. So you were saying something about dates in our rooms, and i’d really appreciate around seventeen blankets right now. Shall we? Laughing softly, he rested his forehead against Ryan’s shoulder, savouring the contact and their possible last moments alone until they were receiving suspicious looks from the rest of the band. ”That’s not what I meant,” He pointed out, vaguely amused, but nodded enthusiastically all the same. ”Lead the way.”

seated and sweating || b&r

Even though physically, Brendon was at Gabe’s dumb party, wearing a dumb outfit and drinking some fancy drinks he didn’t know the names of, in his head he was somewhere else, in a universe where he’d sucked it up and not bolted from the most meaningful relationship he’d ever had just because he had been momentarily skittish and then overreacted. Brendon was daydreaming about a situation where they were still together, and maybe kissing in the corner rather than dancing awkwardly around the elephant in the room, or even staying at home instead and giving this party (and Gabe) the cold shoulder entirely. That would be much more favourable than this, the crushing tension between them, the sense of urgency he felt- like this was his last shot. For what? Brendon wasn’t sure. Even he didn’t have the audacity to just straight up ask the person he dumped to give him a second chance. Not directly, anyway- the subtext was still definitely there, and it was undeniable. The spark still existed and the fire hadn’t gone out.

Then again, maybe it was good to be apart for a while, to gain so perspective, to fully realise how much Ryan meant to him. He was doing just fine without them, then he saw his face- and he had fallen again, just as hard, and this time there was history and memories and love and Brendon couldn’t look at him without a montage of their relationship playing through his head. It was so strange to have been with someone in so many ways, so intimately, and then having to behave so normally. Not that Brendon actually did behave like was probably acceptable for someone to act with their ex, but then Brendon had never really cared what was ‘acceptable’. That was why he was fully putting his knowledge of what made Ryan weak at the knees, so to speak, to the test; and Ryan was falling for it in a way that was kind of endearing. Three solid counts of Mississippi were all it took for Ryan to manage to drag his eyes away from Brendon’s mouth.

They were so close, now, and Brendon was buzzed enough that his common sense and filter had basically crumbled, so to him, it was perfectly acceptable to talk about libido with an ex-boyfriend, even if it was a joke. Ryan’s expression told him that he still hadn’t com to expect some of the things that came out of Brendon’s mouth, no matter how well he knew him. He was clinging on to Ryan’s tie, making eye contact and almost willing him silently to make a fucking move like he had been sub-textually begging him to do for their entire reunion. For a moment, he was sure it was going to happen, and his breath caught in his throat- but then Ryan was moving back. Brendon’s grip on the tie slackened and his hands fell to his sides. For a moment, he mourned the loss; but suddenly Ryan’s hand was against the small of his back and nothing had ever felt so simultaneously comforting and electrifying all at once. It seemed that Brendon had conveniently forgotten exactly what Ryan could do to him- even after all this time.

I think I need another drink. You’re definitely ahead of me. Brendon wasn’t really listening, just nodded faintly and allowed himself to be guided towards the kitchen, silently praying it was empty- but apparently the universe was cruel and there were, albeit few, people around. He cursed silently, and mourned again the loss of closeness between them as Ryan moved away to make himself a drink. Brendon didn’t shift his attention the entire time, watching until Ryan turned back around, leaning against the counter. Also, dating other people sucks, after you. Very inconsiderate of you to be the best I’ve ever had. Trying his best to look apologetic, Brendon lifted his shoulders helplessly, already impressive confidence skyrocketing because he was the best, Ryan had said it himself. Not that he had any doubts to begin with. Brendon exhaled. Keep it together. ”What can I say?” A pause. ”Same here. Nobody else- nobody knows me like you did. Nothing feels as comfortable, or as good- we just. Fit.” He wasn’t sure if he was making any sense. Distantly, he told himself to just shut up, and was saved by Ryan speaking.

Question. “Hit me,” He replied instantly, letting Ryan pull him closer again, again feeling a Rush because he was too tall than was actually fair, now. How sober are you? I - I don't know if... maybe this isn't the best timing for me to... say something serious. Which I need to do. Do you mind? Something serious? Was he dying or something? Brendon let his head tilt, questioningly, but then forgot what he was going to ask. ”Just buzzed. Pretty much sober,” Came his respones, and suddenly there was nervous apprehension. Fuck. Why hadn’t Ryan just taken initiative and kissed him? He could have done it immediately upon their reunity, and Brendon would have welcomed it. Now he was almost thirsty for it again, after all this time. Worth the wait.

seated and sweating || b&r

It had been after their second album that Brendon realised things were moving too fast for him to be comfortable, that he was getting older than he could stand already, and the intensity of his feelings towards Ryan threw him completely off balance. He was still young- too young, you could say, to he the frontman of a band with their level of success- and he wanted to stay like that, experience everything youth had to offer, and he came to the reluctant conclusion that staying in this relationship but jeopardise that. Brendon wasn’t right, of course, but to his inexperience with relationships, the future looked kind of bleak. If they were this in love, a future fight or breakup would be just as intense and hard-hitting; that, or they’d just carry on, and Brendon wasn’t sure whether he was ready for that kind of commitment. It was funny, really- he didn’t tend to over think things; that, ironically, was Ryan’s forte. But he still wasn’t sure how Ryan really felt about it all, because he’d mostly just stayed quiet.

The breakup itself would have been difficult anyway, but it was even more of a struggle because Brendon still wasn’t sure why he was breaking up with Ryan in the first place. Out loud, he knew saying ‘I don’t want to be shackled to anyone yet’ (of course he wasn’t shackled to Ryan, he’d just been told by some of his other friends that being in such a committed, long-term relationship so young was like a jail sentence) sounded ridiculous and kind of insensitive out loud. And it was. Brendon was just too caught up in his anxiety and apprehension for the future that he didn’t stop to breathe, or think, or actually weigh up his options rather than turning up to Ryan one day and trying to let him down as gently as he could. Luckily, there was no drama, really- Ryan was obviously stricken by the unexpectedness of this revelation, but he didn’t really protest. Brendon would be lying if he said that didn’t annoy him slightly- no arguments surely meant he never really cared in the first place. Telling himself that made it easier to sever the ties.

But he was still in love, and that fact became painfully obvious once he was this close to Ryan again. Brendon wasn’t ashamed of letting his evidently consistent attraction to his ex-boyfriend known, because shit, he was pretty, and fuck, he was tall. What was even better was that Ryan returned the attention and the air between them was kind of thick, almost electric. The tension was there, again, like that evening in front of the cabin, but it was familiar this time, and accompanied by a profound passion and longing that Brendon really was not trying to conceal. They were on the same page, Brendon was barely keeping it together, what were they doing? Why hadn’t they kissed and made up already? The question was almost raised, but Brendon kept quiet, before impulsively deciding to just change the subject because the tension was killing him.

Understandable, actually. Suppressing the raise on an eyebrow, and turning again to study Dallon across the room, he noted that Ryan agreed with him, but wondered whether his ex was trying to get a reaction. ”Oh, you agree?” He had succeeded. Though Dallon was cute, undeniably, the fact that Ryan pointed that out... Brendon felt himself straighten as much as possible, and when he had Ryan’s attention again, he bit his lip, trying not to say anything too embarrassing and instead attempting to regain Ryan’s full attention. He still knew the things that made Ryan weak- that seemingly casual, fully intentional lip bite was one of them. Ryan was something of a sucker and Brendon was somewhat evil.

Hey. The sudden noise made him jump, and he laughed slightly at his own reaction, before it died at the back of his throat because Ryan had touched him. His mind drifted to some unsavoury places. I missed you. A lot. Brendon felt himself warm up. He missed him too. They fit so well together, even after all this time. It’s been weird without you. It was worse in the beginning, but it’s like everything’s kind of... off. Brendon grinned. The alcohol he had consumed previous had now fully reached him, and though his common sense told him this was a serious moment he shouldn’t ruin, his lack of filter made him just impulsively speak. ”You’re right. I am very sexually frustrated.” He was dead serious for a moment, then cracked up, if only as an afterthought. ”No, but, I- I missed you too.”

You’re here, and I feel a little normal again. It was the same for Brendon. Without Ryan, nothing really felt right, and his life was a little... Lacking. They were so close now. Brendon hung onto Ryan’s tie, this time, looking up at him through his dark eyelashes. It would be so painfully easy and the urge was killing him. ”...Me too. Where have you been all my life?” He teased, but then he was at a loss of what to do. Brendon just hesitated for a moment, his head kind of clouded. He felt the need to fill even the momentary silence, but couldn’t think of something to say.

oh such torturous things ;; b&r

Absently, Brendon did realise that from this point on, they probably wouldn’t get much work done- he had already given up any hope of lasting more than 30 seconds without physical contact, because he was hopelessly in love and completely enamoured. It would have been embarrassing, but Ryan clearly felt the same- so it was mutual, slightly abnormally intense affection, love that Brendon could sense in every slight, drawn breath, in Ryan’s ridiculous, should-be-illegal honey eyes, in gentle touches at his waist and brushes of kisses against skin- Brendon realised distantly he could stay like this forever. Fuck the rain. Even more dramatically, the song he’d written was starting to take up a tune, evolving from bittersweet to simply sweet in his head. Brendon shook away the inspiration because he didn’t want to focus on anything else but his... boyfriend? Brendon almost laughed- what were they? Definitely not friends. But they were doing this all backwards. Oh well.

Really? I guess I’m the blind one- took me a while to even consider you might be interested. Brendon thought that expressing every thought he had at that initial meeting might be a bit much, even though he was struggling not to say anyway. So he just smiled knowingly. And... I’m curious about these ‘other things’. Brendon wasn’t expecting reciprocation in any form to his less than romantic passing comments, really- but now he couldn’t help himself. He leaned in towards his neck, speaking against his warm skin and then finding his pulse, pressing a hot kiss against it, at first considering just not moving and leaving a very obvious indication of their new type of relationship. But even Brendon wasn’t that bold- Spencer and Jon weren’t idiots. Reluctantly, he pulled back, but immediately threw his forearms over Ryan’s shoulders, moving in again to meet him in a kiss. Who needed oxygen when he was like 97% sure he could survive on Ryan’s attention alone?

I love you. Brendon had no doubt. He watched, almost in awe, as Ryan closed his eyes briefly and then opened them again, thunderstruck once more by the striking colour. He was almost annoyed, but instead his insides just warmed up. I’ve wanted to say that forever- God, now I won’t be able to stop. Hey, he had no problem with that. Honestly, they were a little ridiculous- they had known eachother for eight months, had only just realised and confessed completely mutual obsession and genuine love, and Brendon was now fully prepared to admit that Ryan was literally the most gorgeous person he’d ever met and the only one who’d ever made him feel like he did now. ”I-“ He wanted to express this, he did, but he backtracked when he realised more talking meant less kissing, and shut up. Instead, he let his mind wander just a little as he thought back on previous relationships- he’d never been in love before, but he’d had his share of semi-serious partners. Boyfriends, girlfriends had come and gone, only a handful worth remembering, but Ryan. What made this different? He wasn’t even sure. But Brendon liked it.

The rain wasn’t really bothering him- the gentle sound, he knew, would be forever associated in his mind with love, and gentleness, and the sincerity of the situation. It was cool against his skin, and Brendon shivered when Ryan wiped the droplets away from his cheekbone with his thumb. I’m not complaining that it’s raining... He liked that melody better than his own, and took it as an invitation to continue. ”...I’m just saying that i’d like it a lot more than you think, if the sun would come out and sing with me...” Huh. He liked the sound of that. Brendon smiled easily, and leaned in for another kiss, but Ryan decided to starve him and speak instead. He tried not to look too impatient, but ended up staring at his mouth most of the time anyway. I feel like maybe we did this out of order. Should I have taken you on a date first? Does watching the sunset count as a date?

"Duh,” He replied immediately, moving his hands, one to his hair the other to his jaw, smiling affectionately. ”Anyway, I’m glad we did it this way. We can just go on dates to make up for it. And all of them should be to either of our bedrooms.” Brendon was laughing to himself, but he dragged Ryan in again to catch him in yet another kiss, wondering how he ever resisted before. At this point, though, he was more than a little wet from the rain, and he stood up, bringing Ryan up too by holding onto his collar and not breaking the kiss as much as possible until they were standing. ”Though to be fair... I haven’t done much actual sunset watching. There are prettier things.”

meet the press || b&r

Sure, Brendon was a natural entertainer, and people had just seemed to be entertained by his boundless energy in the past, but apparently the scrutiny of strangers had more of an effect on him than he had foreseen. Brendon wasn’t one to change for other people- not usually- but the pressure of being the front of of a now quite impressively successful band had caught him off guard, causing bouts of anxiety before shows and interviews that he managed to suppress and hide from everybody else, keeping it as much under wraps as possible, and then during said shows and interviews, his adhd meant he could barely sit still anyway- combined with underlying anxiety, it made for a dynamic, unpredictable mix, and sometimes his lively behaviour, though amusing and endearing, was slightly startling to witness. It was all normal for Brendon- constant movement, excessive talking, butting in and enthusiasm inappropriate for the gravity of the situation.

He’d never seen it as bad before or something that needed to be controlled; in fact, he never even felt the need to mention that he was diagnosed with it, because in Brendon’s mind, it made no difference. It wasn’t like he actively avoided the subject, it just never came up in conversation, and Brendon just never brought it up anyway. So, effectively, it was an open secret, unguarded, but nobody knew anyway. Now, though, he felt increased pressure to be quote-unquote ‘normal’, a little less intense, a little less domineering during conversations. So, the medication was an option, and one that he took; and for some reason, he felt apprehensive about making that fact public. It wasn’t like he was afraid Ryan would judge him, or something (Ryan took stuff for anxiety, he knew already), it was just... Alien, to him. He wasn’t used to it and it all just set him on edge.

So imagine his horror when he found that the medication he had hoped would mellow him out and allow him to be a better listener and more focused when he spoke to people (in a profession where communication with strangers was part of the job description in the form of rounds of intrusive questioning) simply made him feel like he was trapped inside a body that wasn’t his, slow and tedious, feeling mentally and physically like lead. He wasn’t fully there all day, not with it, just kind of staring at the walls and taking uncomfortably long to formulate answers or even register he was being asked a question. For once, Ryan was taking over the questioning. He distantly felt affection, and appreciation, but was way too out of it to express it in the slightest even though he wanted to. It was usually Brendon dominating interviews, generally, and Ryan was the one who tended to sit and just give his thoughts when it was only absolutely necessary; for Ryan to do readily fill in his role just because he sensed that Brendon really wasn’t right made him feel a little better.

Even though he did kind of feel like a zombie, he managed to garner enough energy and spark to move forwards, with purpose, climbing onto the bed, sitting up and pressing in close to Ryan to meet him in a kiss, if only to prove to himself that he was fine, he was just overreacting. But he quickly lost the will and pulled back, and would have looked apologetic if he hadn’t then felt a little sick. I know. So it was obvious to Ryan that something was up. He didn’t know whether to be relieved or anxious that everyone else could potentially tell, too. Brendon let Ryan move him, and say as straight as he could. What’s different? Did something happen?

Brendon looked hesitant. He supposed there was no point dismissing it now. Though, in practice, speaking was harder than in his head- he felt like he was trapped inside of his own body, understanding what was going on but not being able to control it. It was terrifying. Had his brain short circuited? Brendon frowned, finally inhaling and exhaling and gathering his thoughts. ”So, I have adhd,” Brendon said slowly, studying Ryan. ”Diagnosed when I was- young,” When was it? He couldn’t remember, because it hadn’t mattered much to him till recently. Eight seemed too young, twelve maybe... He shook his head. ”Hasn’t- been a problem until recently. I first started taking medication today and I- fuck, I feel like shit. I don’t even know what it’s supposed to do.” Brendon nestled his head in the crook of Ryan’s neck, blinking furiously. ”It was because people kept saying I was too hyperactive or whatever.”

seated and sweating || b&r

Okay, so Brendon hadn’t asked Ryan or Spencer if they minded that he and Spencer carry on with the same brand without them (mostly because he knew what the answer would be anyway), and he didn’t ask Ryan if he could use his lyrics, but again- he stood by the belief that these weren’t just Ryan’s lyrics, he wrote them for a band, and if suddenly he wanted to pull the ‘I wrote them’ card, he was never much part of the band in the first place; and Brendon was under the impression the band had been equally all of theirs. Now Jon and Ryan were just doing something else. Brendon was perhaps a little salty, and driven by the bitterness that kind of grew from the surprise that Ryan didn’t seem all too torn up when Brendon ended it (not that he wanted anyone to be upset, but he felt a lot more pain than Ryan appeared to, and he liked to feel appreciated. Even by a newly-ex boyfriend). Luckily for Brendon and Spencer, they’d come across a new friend- Dallon- who would take Jon’s place as bassist. They had yet to find a lead guitarist, and Brendon was kind of having his own personal difficulties with that anyway. He didn’t know if he could stand somebody else playing beside him.

Now, Dallon was just a friend, but he could tell by the look on Ryan’s face that the way he left his role a mystery, it left some open questions. He was almost prompted to raise an eyebrow- did Ryan really think he’d be acting like this if he was exclusive with someone else- but then the look passed and Brendon relaxed, smiling easily again. Even though he seemed effortlessly put together and charming, Brendon’s heart was still aching. He silently cursed at his past self for ever ruining this just because of his childish issues with commitment that he couldn’t even find a viable root from which that grew. He did think about it maybe being a product of his religious parents, and the complications that came with that, but Brendon dismissed his own thoughts, convinced he was looking way too deep.

Anyway. Brendon was fully ready to go back on everything he said those months ago, because Ryan looked so damn good and he realised, kind of belatedly, but with reluctant acceptance, that he was definitely still in love. Luckily, even tipsy him was able to keep that to himself- even if it was only prolonging the inevitable confession. Brendon decided he’d probably have to keep his mouth busy with something other than talking if he was to keep his own dignity. He eyed Ryan’s mouth, then tore his gaze away and flashed him another, seemingly consistent, wide smile. Watching as Ryan brought his glass up to his lips, he was kind of stuck with what to say, because there were plenty of things in his head that the remaining slivers of common sense were holding onto like a vice. But Brendon was a pretty shameless person anyway- he tended to ignore common sense.

So, when he said something he definitely didn’t mean as a joke, for a few moments he just looked at Ryan, gauging his reaction, which was a small, forced laugh. To potentially save the situation, he followed it up with a half-assed ‘kidding’. He really, really wasn’t. And luckily, or not, depending on your viewpoint, Ryan knew that. Are you, though? I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time. They made eye contact briefly, and Brendon’s breath caught in his throat, kind of astounded. He took a moment to recover, laughing slightly, but one of his hands was still playing with the inside of Ryan’s suit, looking down to watch his fingers and then up again to exhale. ”Hopefully not the last,” Was all he said, not even smiling, just kind of intense, looking up at him through his eyelashes because he was so tall. Brendon was barely keeping it together.

I didn’t know you had such a thing for tall guys. “Lucky you,”Brendon responded immediately, but then smiled. ”Are you kidding? When I first met Dallon-” He dragged his eyes away briefly to turn and point him out on the other side of the room (luckily he hadn’t noticed Brendon with his ex, yet, and come to rescue him from being an idiot)- “I had the hugest crush on him, mostly because he’s, like, 6’4.” Of course, not any more. Brendon, apparently, didn’t have the capacity to like other people when he was still in love with his ex. Who’d have thought.

Glad you do, because I think you’re gorgeous. Enamoured, Brendon turned, stepping a little closer and looking up again. It would be so easy- and so hard- to just lean up and kiss him, even if he was, like, an inch taller, but Brendon miraculously excersised some form of willpower and just imagined it instead. It took him a few moments to formulate a reply, which was punctuated by one of his arms folding across his chest in a effort to keep his damn hands to himself. “Nothing’s changed, then,” He said speculatively- referring to mutual attraction, Brendon’s affinity for tall guys, and the fact that he was definitely still and love and that feeling refused to go away.

seated and sweating || b&r

Though his musical career alongside Jon and Ryan was gone, it wasn’t like Brendon had hit a stop completely- in fact, to what he knew would be a very mixed reaction, he had plans to continue under the same band name with Spencer. His friend (Ryan’s best friend- formally? Brendon felt a little strange about taking Ryan’s childhood best friend with him, while Ryan had ‘kept’ Jon) had some doubts about doing so, seeing as Brendon’s grand scheme involved taking some of Ryan’s unfinished lyrics and modifying old demos into semi-new songs he could call his own. Brendon didn’t see wha was wrong with it- it wasn’t a Ryan Ready song, it was a Panic song- but Spencer kind of hinted he thought it was wrong, that it was basically stealing and giving no credit, so Brendon met him halfway and said he’d make sure to give his ex boyfriend credit on the lyric booklet or whatever. In any case, Brendon was ready to move on.

It had been difficult, because at the time of the breakup, he still felt as strongly about Ryan as he had in the beginning, and there were lots of things he missed- the attention and affection that Ryan seemed to have disposable amounts of, Ryan singing beside him on stage, even sometimes the taste of his lips and the sound of his laugh, memories he kind of pushed back with an inner eye roll. They were just separated- it wasn’t like Ryan was dead. Now, though, he’d thought he’d moved on; he had plans for his career moving forward, Spencer was still steadfast by his side, and he had friends like Gabe inviting him to unnecessarily themed parties every other week for no reason other than to keep their reputation. Gabe was a good friend- though Brendon still kind of knew nothing about them, he did know they were the kind of friend to take care of him if he passed out on the couch or something, and be a sympathetic ear with maybe too much to say about other people’s business.

Or at least, Brendon had thought he’d been over Ryan. If he had been less tipsy, he could have probably resisted even going over, but after a few drinks his common sense kind of drained neatly away, and he wasn’t listening to his brain anymore. He was semi-driven by his heart, aching a little at how good his ex looked, but also felt physically drawn over there, deciding that no matter what, he knew what he wanted the outcome of tonight to be in just a few moments. After quickly locating and picking up his drink, he made his way over, wondering distantly whether he looked sort of ridiculous. Oh well. He could make it work. Anyway, he was amused by Ryan’s ‘deer-caught-in-headlights’ reaction, and quickly found somewhere to put his drink down after he took a last sip. He reached up, then, taking off his dumb mask and placing it down by his drink. Now he could see better. Brendon met his eyes briefly and felt a little electrified, however dramatic that sounded.

Hey. Smooth. Brendon grinned. Um. Thanks! ”You’re welcome,” Came his immediate response, and he carried on saying everything on his mind, even letting his tactile senses catch on as he explored Ryan’s suit a little, dropping attention from his face momentarily. Then his hands fell to his sides and he exhaled as if satisfied, but his hands urged him to just not let go next time. I guess- a little. Maybe you got shorter. Brendon laughed, shrugging his shoulders, now kind of distracted by Ryan’s mouth. It was kind of ridiculous how he didn’t even care that Ryan noticed- in fact, that’s what he wanted. Ryan’s attention. It seemed he had already seized it. More like who. The best of the best. He nodded quickly, glancing over at Gabe and back at Ryan and then finally clicking. Wow. Gabe had definitely planned that they run into eachother. He vowed to get them later.

I was surprised, actually. Not many people are interested since i’m not, like, active anymore. Did they invite you too? ”No, I crashed the party,” They declared, flashing Ryan another smile. ”Yeah, I was. Me, Spencer... Dallon.” He forgot Ryan didn’t know who Dallon was. He just let it remain a mystery. You, um- you look really good. You look like you just walked out of a Gatsby party, really. Flattered, He splayed a hand across his own chest and tilted his head. ”Thank you. I try,” Brendon said absently, but he was looking Ryan clearly up and down, sighing and trailing his fingers down his ex’s arm. ”You’re so tall. Fuck me,” He breathed, then let Ryan process it, only distantly wondering whether that was at all appropriate. Then he broke into a smile. ”Kidding.” He wasn’t.