Jokes and Humor

[Ubermensch]

I thought we should have a thread dedicated to jokes and humor. However, if you are going to tell jokes, make sure they are funny and not mean at all. To be on the safe side, no derogatory jokes such as ethnic jokes, mother insult jokes, etc.

I'll start first.

Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

A: Its buttocks!

Q: Why did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?

A: He forgot to wrap his whopper.

[Chapatrap]

Here's one that has been circulating around my area for a few months now. Directly copied it from a friends facebook, so the formatting's a bit off.

Long joke

Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy"

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):

"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur fucks sake, where did all these English bastards come from?"

Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on fook'in Tuesday!!"