@ForsytheOkay, from the top. This is a combined review of both myself and Phantom.
Name is slightly obscure in how it follows CNR, but that can be excused due to it being assumed. Please, when you decide her actual name, tie it into her appearance somehow (as that is what children are named for at birth after all), and explained how it follows CNR.
The main problems we have with it, is following CNR it means ‘River Ashen’ or River of Ashes. Not following CNR it means ‘Escape Ashen’, or Escape the Ashes. Very...dark.
She has a few too many faunus traits for a half-faunus. A fullblooded snake faunus, it would be understandable to have them, though really faunus are shown to only have one obvious and one not-so obvious traits (cat ears and night vision, for example), but a half-blood would likely have either one obvious trait OR one not-so obvious trait since the genes are likely recessive.
Also, being cold blooded is actually a pretty terrible thing for someone who wants to be active. If she ever gets sent somewhere snowy, she’s likely to die.
My suggestion: Pick one obvious trait. If you go with the fangs, make her venom mild, not extremely deadly.
For the sake of the RP and logistics, please make all reptilian Faunus warm blooded.
For her weight - she is very underweight by BMI calculations. Keep in mind that muscles weigh more than fat, so even if she is thin, she’d still have a healthy weight because she is fit. Add in her cold blood, it’s likely that she would catch hypothermia from a light breeze or light rain, simply due to the lack of anything to keep warmth in. Her outfit helps a little, since it is pretty covering, but being made of light materials it won’t help much. She’d likely die of pneumonia if she ever had to go somewhere cold, and would be extremely lethargic naturally.
Her background needs a lot of expanding, as it is too vague right now. The RP is set a year ahead of RWBY volume 1, which means the White Fang had a regime change 6 years ago, when she was 11. That means that anyone part of the White Fang before then would not be arrested as they were simply peaceful protestors. And a Faunus who is married to a human is unlikely to have stayed in a group that started targeting humans violently, which means her father would have left before he could have ever done anything that would get him arrested.
She can still dislike the White Fang, as she is a being of both worlds and therefore is likely to have faced discrimination from both worlds - the White Fang for promoting views against her human side, and the humans for disliking her faunus side. Think of it like the ‘half-cast’ children of dark-skinned and light-skinned parents in the early parts of the 1900s. She would face discrimination similar, though the discrimination from the Faunus side would probably only start up when the White Fang regime changed, and she would be old enough to understand that they were at the root of that particular change.
Of course, changing that would mean her family name has not been sent into a sinkhole, which negates the need for a name change. However, if her father became a criminal after leaving the White Fang, she could have a dual dislike of the underworld and the White Fang, and a wish to disassociate herself with her name, as her father would be a known criminal.
The weapon model is awesome. I just wanted to say that. And, because it has electronic parts, I have to ask. Are there any computer functions in the weapon? Pure curiosity, it has no bearing on the character herself.
That being said, it is very basic. It’s a good basic, starter weapon for a fighter or a kid just entering combat school, though perhaps not exactly the best kind for a Hunter, whose main focus of fighting is against Grimm. Large scale upgrades are recommended, especially since it’s not even up to the standards a Beacon first year student would have.
Her semblance doesn’t fit her personality that well, as when her aura was unlocked she would have been brimming with anger, which would influence her semblance. Though she may have been the type to blend into the background as a child, the change in her life is still momentous and therefore would affect what her semblance would be. Using this logic, she would have something that allows her to strike quickly and aggressively over something that allows her to sneak around.
It’s a decent semblance (if a bit bland) , but doesn’t mesh well with her personality that well at the moment.
Now for notes stuff:
Why does she need to clear her name? Did she do something bad? I would have thought it was more of a want to disassociate herself from the name than a need to clear it, due to the negative stuff tied to the name.
How is she going to go on in this team based roleplay? We have tried to specify that though strong and independent characters are welcome, we do still want team players, or at least characters that won’t automatically shut out the rest of their team. The way you have worded her personality, and the note, it sounds like she is the type to completely shut out her team. Perhaps a rewording here would be better.
Okay. Now; TL;DR
-Name is obscure, real name should tie in her appearance somehow, please specify how it ties to CNR.
-Too many faunus traits for a half-faunus (assuming faunus traits are recessive), please pick one. Also, no cold blooded Faunus(as core biology is mammalian).
-She is seriously underweight, please make her heavier.
-Background needs more detail. White Fang turned violent 6 years ago when she was 11, a Faunus married to a human wouldn’t stick around the White Fang after the regime changed. Dislike of name could come from father becoming a criminal and being arrested, dislike of White Fang could be for them promoting the discrimination against her for having a human mother.
-Weapon is decent (props to the full model) but too basic for a first year Hunter, as it would be mostly ineffective against Grimm, the Hunter’s main enemy. Upgrades are recommended.
-Semblance doesn’t fit her personality very well, and is slightly bland.
-Clarify why she needs to clear her name rather than simply wanting to disassociate with it.
-Clarify how she’s going to be a team player, as her personality makes it sound like she really isn’t at all.
Good start for a character, just some of the themes and details need tying together a bit better, and some fundamental flaws need reworking.
But I'll see if that personality trait even sticks when I'm done with the edits.
