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Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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Do you mind if I give it a go, Phantom?
Here's my submission.

Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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What could I do to make Gwendolyn less of a Purity Sue?
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by The Fox Without
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While we appreciate the character you have submitted, we feel she is not the kind of character we wish for this RP. While well written, her backstory is rather one dimensional, much akin to the early Disney princess friend to all feel, with little if any character flaws to make her enticing in a role play setting.

Next would be the weapon. We find that it begs credulity that a rapier could become a bow while maintaining a structure needed for proper use. The fact that both of these forms started as a harp, or lyre as we assume you meant, throws this idea into impossible realms. There is a good reason Weiss's rapier does not shift forms.

Lastly the semblance itself. It is actually a huge danger in and of itself. Seeing as it takes away pain without fixing the problem is a great way to get a team killed, basically it's the same as going into battle packed with anesthesia. It may fix the symptom, but the cause is still going to kill you.

For these reasons we cannot accept this character.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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Alright, well if SpiritedDream's boyfriend doesn't end up doing a OP, I'm willing to try again with a new one. Would you like me to still try for a healer character or should I try for a different class? Or would Wendy still work if the harp was separate from her weapon, I figured out some different weapon, and added less perfect of a backstory?
Whatever you want, if her boyfriend is a no show, I'm willing to try again.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Phantomlink959
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It's her Fiance, actually.
We'll see, but little miss way too perfect is a definite no. even my most ridiculously squeaky-clean character isn't that sickeningly sweet.
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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Sorry, you know I usually don't make sues. I'm not really sure how Wendy turned into one.
Should my next entry still be a healer or would you prefer team CLRT had another class? I just thought healer because there was basically already a tactician, a mage, and a meat-shield.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Phantomlink959
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you tried way too damned hard, that's how.
it's up to you, but please refrain from submitting another until we know for sure on Spirit's Fiance.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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OK, thanks.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Phantomlink959
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Feel free to lurk around, though, comment if you'd like once things gets going.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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Thanks, I will. I've already subscribed. I'm interested in what a roleplay like this is like.
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Phantomlink959
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check out Rescuing Remnant, it's been a bit inactive because several players lack resolve, but you can get a good idea of how awesome things get when you do a collaborative fight scene.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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I did poke at that a bit but maybe I will do a full read.
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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I have a new character already for your consideration if SpiritedDream's Fiance turns out to be a no show.
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Phantomlink959
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EDIT:alright, thanks for letting me know.
It's not looking like her fiance is quite up to par for a RWBY roleplay just yet, but I'd like to give someone else a chance to submit a character before considering another of yours.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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Alright, I understand. (Don't worry, this one is not sueish)
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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Am I being annoying? I'm sorry if I am. If you really don't want me in the roleplay, just say so and I'll just watch.

If you wouldn't mind if I was in the roleplay, than what if I post my latest character with the contingency that if someone makes a better character than I'm out. I'll be out automatically if it's absolute rubbish again. If it does interest you, than you tell me what I can fix to make it better and if someone else enters a better one before the game starts rolling, then I'm out.

Does that sound like a deal?
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Phantomlink959
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It's not that I don't want you in the RP, I just want to give someone else a chance to submit a character before looking at another from the same person. Go ahead and drop the character here, though, I can start looking it over. not looking like anyone else is interested right now.
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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OK, thanks

Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Phantomlink959
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This is just my opinion, as Fox and Spirit haven't had a chance to look her over yet, but:

Clarify for me, how does name meet CNR? I have my suspicions, but I may be mistaken.

I'd prefer you rewrite the backstory entirely, as any slave trade in Remnant would (in my AU, at least) have been utterly DESTROYED long before this character was born, especially in Vale.

You definitely need a different weapon. don't even get me started on the technicaly issues that come from trying to make a sniper rifle turn into a quarterstaff.

And, finally the semblance is good, but more suited to a cheetah than to a leopard. more specific advice will be available once Spirit and Fox have a chance to go over her with me.
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Cyrania
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I'll still act on your's though, thanks. I'll make her a cheetah faunus then. I'm really bad at weapon ideas, have any suggestions? Illegal slave trade does exist, Portland is the biggest human trafficking location in the world. I was more thinking that another reason people outside of the kingdoms might disappear beside Grimm attacks would be slavers who take advantage of the fact the disappearance of a outlander group would be chalked up to more Grimm deaths. I'll still follow your advice though. I'll change the fanus type above then post a new one with the new backstory and weapon.
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