This is a longish rant and quite personal. But sometimes I get really depressed I don't have a significant other. And that I'm not a lesbian. Because it would make my life so much easier.
And here's a little context. I'm Asexual and I'm "sex-repulsed" I guess. I don't want to have sex. But I'm not ignorant about it. I just have no desire whatsoever to engage in that activity. I once heard it described as licking eyebrows. Everyone talks about it. Whom licked whom's eyebrows and how everyone wants to do it. You understand but you have no desire to do it. I could but I'd rather not. Anyways, I'm also a straight woman. Which means I'm attracted to men only. I've only recently come to terms with my asexuality. It was/is a hard road. My family doesn't understand it. They keep telling me that when the right man comes around I'll love sex and can't wait for it. Or something to that effect. And to be honest the idea wasn't appealing at all. Sex? With a guy? I tried to picture myself married. Even as a little girl I just couldn't. I always mentioned I wanted to get married when someone asked because it was expected.
In high school I though that maybe I was lesbian. Perhaps that was what was "wrong" with me. Perhaps if I liked women I'd be somehow normal? I literally spent a few weeks looking at women in my school and online trying to see if I'd feel anything. Nada. At that point I came to the conclusion I was straight. Despite trying to picture myself living/having romantic relations with a woman, it just wasn't happening.
My senior year of High School was hard because I felt different. All my friends were dating and doing it. And they all loved it. And I couldn't care less and it bothered me. Badly. I tried talking to my mom about it and she just told me the right guy hadn't come along yet. Just wait. She advised. One day you'll want it. She promised. It left me feeling lost and confused. How could I change so drastically over a guy? Who was this woman I'd become upon meeting this ethereal man? Would I like her? Would she be someone I wanted to be?
And so I continued to struggle until the who LGBTQ movement started happening in College. At first I ignored it. It didn't effect me. It was just another facet of sex and I wanted nothing to do with it. I had no problems with the community. If there was a petition passed around to help I'd sign. I went out and did a few campus "activists" events but it was distant from me. And so the months trudged on. Then one day (I don't know why) I was surfing the web and discovered the term Asexual. And everything just clicked. I cried at the realization. There wasn't anything wrong with me. But I couldn't completely accept it.
Instead I tried it out with other people. I'd casually mention it and they'd go "Na. You're not. You just haven't meet the right guy". And so while it felt right I was still really confused. It wasn't until a few years later, one fail relationship later, I became confident in what I was. I was asexual. I didn't want my (ex)boyfriend like he wanted me. It took me even longer to allow that I wasn't sexually interested in anyone. After getting bombarded with it every day and in nearly every conversation I wasn't capable of it. So I tried to make myself want sex. Basically I read lots of erotica and even tried writing it. But it never felt right. It was a chore and I didn't particularity like it.
It was only this year that I allowed myself to come to terms that I'm "sex-repulsed". Again, not that I hate sex, I just don't want it. (I really wish I had a better word to describe it). Unfortunately when I came to this conclusion I came to another one. I did want to get married. I just didn't want to have sex. And the sad conclusion is that because I am straight I'm probably never going to find a guy who doesn't want sex. Or if I do it'll be later in life, at the age of 60 or older, when the sex drives diminishes.
And I get pissed that society doesn't acknowledge people like me. There's no way to meet guys who feel the same as me. Who are willing to love me for who I am. And that just makes me depressed too. And another thing that makes me mad. That I'm not a lesbian. Because I've meet far more women who are "sex neutral" then men (because I've never meet a guy who didn't want it). If I was a lesbian I could have a partner who would stay with me and support me. Because I want romance. I want to have candle light dinners, I want to hold hands. I want basically everything but sex and kids. But that's apparently too much to ask. And it pisses me off almost as much as it makes me sad.
Rant over.
If you ever need to talk to someone, I'd be more than willing to be that person because I'm asexual as well (in between demisexual or gray-A) which I came to terms with not long ago and I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.
It's ironic that you were the first and only person to welcome me back after a long time of not being here on my introduction thread! Not that I did any activity of roleplaying because other things in my personal life have kept me busy.
But any "hoo", if you want to ever take me up on that offer, I'd be really happy to hear from you; I understand your struggle.
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