I've been driving
The woods ripping by
The faint screams of the arches
The mountain forks, all pointing at me

Red flashes. I'm hanging dry,
Liquor to my lips
Smoke-scarred lungs
The Devil's on the Speedometer
He's laughing at me

Crying over 90
Speed up around the bend
Go piling into the safety
Flip out into the night
Like a bat with wings, I'll soar
The bitterest taste;
My mother's eyes, reflected back at me
The scorn on her face. The disappointment

Let me die,
Let me die.

Today I had a rare experience, an understanding, sitting there under the shade. My fingers shaking from too much liquor. The pain in my right hand. The awkward twitch in my right bicep. ... I had this whisper. This inclination. Bass was playing. Guitar. A Christian voice, calling out to my soul. It was saying, "Pain is pleasure." That I make a myth of my own suffering. Like a hot knife along my own skin. Maybe I hadn't realised. The more I write, the more I fade. Cutting away the pieces of me. Literature that never gets read.

No Ashley. No Ashley.

God; I miss you. You were my love.

You were my love.

You were; and now you are gone, and I have never, ever moved on.

I had five minutes to make an impression.

In five minutes, this song would be over, and she’d walk out.

So, I walked in. Met her eyes. And started walking towards her, all without looking away.

I passed by others, slipped around them as they looked at me from the corners of their eyes. Interested.

When some guy stepped in front of her, she stepped aside, so that our eye contact wouldn’t break.

She had her lips parted. Her eyes were busy trying to get hold of me.

The tempo caresses my senses; and hers.

I was almost there.
Closer, closer.
Then--

He had to be there.
That guy.

Him. In his dark suit and open collar, with his dark eyes and sharp, elegant smile.
Smooth, subtle, sexy. Standing up on the balcony, watching us.

Fuck him.
I wanted her so bad.

She was everything I’d been searching for.
Everything I needed.

Shaking her hips from side to side, rocking them in time with the beat.
Making me do things I shouldn’t. My hips in time with the beat.
Her notes, making me linger.
My voice high-strung as I called out to her, aware I could’ve been caught.
My eyes flicking upwards dangerously, wary of the balcony.

I sat on it. That scared, anxious feeling.
Then, I let it ride. And threw myself at her.

She caught me mid-step and gasped. Her eyes locked on mine as I turned her my way.
A nervous flutter escaped her, caused by my wickedness; and my stupidity.

‘’You can’t just--,’’ She said, rolling with the wave.

‘’Not here! He’ll-,’’ She threw a glance at the balcony.

‘’Wow…” Her body moving from side to side, saying its first hello.

She turned around and backed up against me. Then, she gave me a certain look over her shoulder.

I put my brow against hers, and she closed her eyes. The scent pulled me in, and the warmth of her skin had my mind doing somersaults.

My hands went for her hips--, and I meant to say something good, but--,

The song ended.

And the whole club opened up and the lights came on and everyone stood looking at us, backing away.

The guy on the balcony with the sharp smile and the dark suit was staring down at me, not smiling.

He pointed a single finger in my direction, then said in the clearest tone I’d heard since I’d told myself to ‘take my chances:’

‘’That guy. Bring me that guy.’’

I wasn’t surprised. She was his, after all.

I let her go, gave her one last look, did something I shouldn't, then hurried out of the venue, my cheek still stinging from the slap.

I thought I saw her staring at me as I went out the back door, her hand still touching her mouth where I’d landed the kiss.

I suppose I should've known I'd pay for that....

I spend every day blocking out your light,
You are gone; you are faded; you have gone away...

So I spend my nights alone, drinking from the same cup
A cigarette in my mouth, trying to organise my thoughts.

Love. I was told it was a mystery
That it was eternal, sacred
That with the right love, you could be fulfilled:

Why was it all a lie?
Why have you gone away...?

It's like this, night after night;
The same piano keys. The same song
A life in refrain;
I can't move on. I can't fight this shelter, my grave.

I ask you now, dark angel
Look at me with mercy
Remember my name...
The words I once spoke to you in hushed whispers, genuine, unhindered by the lack of love, unbothered by lust, sworn in trust:

I promised myself to you at first sight,
We were bound, now broken, left to rot.
But it needn't be this way:
Do you remember my voice? Resurrection...
Have I not already lifted you out of your grave?
Have I not filled you with my light and sheltered you from dismay?
You are my angel, black or white
I bleed for you // no matter the cause, each and every day
To me, it doesn't matter if you fail
It does not matter how many pieces chip and fade
You are the air that I breathe; and I don't mean to use the age-old cliché,
But to me you are light, and life, and fire
So caress my soul. Shelter me in your dark energy,
I will myself to you. I give myself to you. I slit my throat to beg a rest,
From the demon of not living without you
Your only mistake is denial, of not telling me it's over
Shackled, I can't get free. I beg a whisper from thee...

So tell me, Ashley...

How does it end?