Blitz

RPGC#4 -- Lies

Oh, a toughie. I'll see what I can spin up for this one.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

Awesome, I made it! Now to respond to Terminal’s review.

Response

First criticism — I can totally see where you’re coming from on this, and I even wondered if it was worth including. The main reasons I did it, as you guessed, were to A) give a false sense of hope and to B) show how circumstance did indeed conspire to screw him, and also C) just for the sake of consistency. They went outside, so I felt like writing about them outside. I guess it’s just a quirk of mine. Although, yes, I can totally see why it would see out of place, and I figure I could’ve established those things through other means.

Second criticism — Okay, so… How do I explain this one? I guess this isn’t a very good reason, but punt returner isn’t the most *glorious* position to hold on the field, per se. And more as an act of pity, as well as perhaps hope, Coach Robinson wanted to place Max with the defensive backs (which aren’t nearly as beefy as defensive linemen), because he could’ve played safety, specifically free safety, and have to potential to save the game, stop a big play, etc. They also aren't necessarily the burliest people on the field either, so I didn't think it would be a long-shot. Free safeties appeal to Max’s sense of analysis as they are far back and watch a play unfold before trying to stop the ball—I tried to show this as Max watched Reid coming for him. Though, alas, I could’ve just as easily injured Max as a punt returner, so I concede your argument.

Third criticism — I tried to be vague here, but didn’t realize it would lead to confusion. The moment Max had fallen and very obviously injured himself, Mr. Palmer got up and left from where he was sitting in embarrassment. I know, shit dad right? But yeah, it’s not like he was never there to begin with. Oops! I mainly just didn’t know how to write that fact without explicitly stating so (which I didn’t want to do), so… Again, oops.

Edit: I also need to be more careful about what I should include in my story. Before writing, I wrote a mock CS for Max, just so I'd know what I'm working with to maintain consistency, but there were things in his CS that I left out from the story, because, well I myself already knew it. Like the fact that Mr. Palmer played football in college but never went pro, thus explaining his wanting to live vicariously through his two sons. Oh well. ^^;

Go through the Alphabet before someone posts a My Little Pony Picture

Ugh, a double pony pic? Talk about rubbing salt into the metaphorical wound.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

@Holmishire

Yup.

eeeeep

(Although I'm 100% sure Lief was described as having brown hair. Ah, well.)

I never expected a book like Deltora to be made into an anime!

Anyway, thank you for your nice comments on my review. :D

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

So I decided to write some reviews for these entires as well because why not and you can't stop me. I'm already more than halfway done so if I'm feeling productive I'll have them done maybe before I sleep? We'll see.

Ok done.

---

All right, it’s time for another round of B-dawg’s semi-contributive reviews! (Hold your applause until the end please).

If you’re unfamiliar with my reviews

I’m much too fickle to offer a concrete rating or point system, so my reviews merely consist of my personal, somewhat rambling (or inappropriate) thoughts that I felt were worth sharing when I read your entry. As expected of a review, I’ll mention what I like, what I don’t like, and other miscellaneous opinions, if applicable. There’s always something to appreciate in a story as long as genuine effort and mindful consideration was demonstrated, just like is always something you can improve upon. If you have any questions or comments based on something I’ve mentioned in these reviews, feel free to bring it up with me. I’m friendly, I like to think.

Now, keep in mind, I am no perfect writer/reader and will not be making critiques as such. I may misunderstand, misinterpret, or misread something in your writing. If that’s the case, do try and keep any reactions sensible. (Not that I’ve ever had a problem with this before, but it’s worth mentioning.)

Since I’m not a judge for the Labour itself, I will not be making any direct acknowledgements of your entry with regard to if it fits the challenge parameters, though I might bring it up in the sense that I’ll say something along the lines of “I see where you’re going with the plot due to the challenge.”

K, are you ready? I am. Let’s go.

Forever Powerless

A continuation? Oh, cool! I do (somewhat) remember the prequel to this entry, though I won’t be rereading it completely since there’s already a lot to deal with here. (As Terminal said, the limit was broken!)

So, here’s the good news. I skimmed over Terminal’s review for your entry in the previous Labour and took into account his suggestions as I read your entry. In my opinion at least, I do think you worked at making the plot flow more efficiently and used more effective words. I’d say the beginning was best at demonstrating this. There were a few almost poetic-sounding lines that I think deserve an honorable mention:

“I was put in an apartment where rent was low, yet the quality was lower.”
“I wanted to put the rumour to rest… or rather, a test.”
“However, it seemed like I had not fully regained it. In fact, I barely retained it.”

Now, I have to say, I noticed the quality beginning to decay a little bit toward the end. Maybe you were rushing, maybe not, I don’t know. It’s not like it ruined the story or anything. Besides, I can already see your handle of grammar is quite firm, which is always something I like to see.

The conclusion seems appropriate enough, with Zack giving up on trying to regain his powers and choosing to lead a normal life.

You know, I appreciate a short(er) story, and considering the length, I think you did a pretty good job.

A Change of Heart

Okay, so Caerys is probably one of my favorite characters ever, now.

If this was an RPGC installment, I’d probably have voted for this entry. Excellent job. It was really just a pleasurable and immersive read with interesting character development and a mysterious backstory that drew me in even more.

Also, just a guess, since I’m big into making meaningful names, is Odio based off the Spanish word el odio, i.e. hatred? Because it seems fitting. And while I’m at it, Pedrel is similar to Pedro, which comes from piedra which means rock/stone, i.e. how a leader should be. If these were unintentional, then wow. What a crazy coincidence? Caerys sounds like caries to me, but that's dental decay, so I’m not sure if that’s very relevant, save the decay bit. As for the other names, I can’t find any parallels in Spanish, I don’t think. Still, pretty cool.

There are only two critiques that come to mind. The first and more petty of the two is that I think I remembered spying a few innocent spelling mistakes (not actual spelling mistakes, but things like leaving the -s off a work by accident. I do that all the time, so I guess I can’t throw any stone). The other thing is, oh, actually forget that. I had misread something and I’m too lazy to change what I’ve already written.

Your entry reminded me vaguely of the Deltora Quest series (I suppose it’s more of a kid’s book), both in setting and in narration style, but, like I said, this is only a loose similarity. I think you do a better job than Rodda does.

So Much for the Woman

Okay, so I’m going to open up with something that had confused me from the very beginning. I had thought Temmel was Luanne, and Luanne was Luanne’s mother. I think this happened because I read it too… linearly.

At any rate, I though this was a good story, like every other entry here. This one, mostly by use of dialect, really kinda immersed you in the tale, so good job incorporating that into the dialogue. The narration was very descriptive and rich, obviously a stark contrast from the character’s speaking (which is good because I could barely figure out what they were saying. Which isn’t bad by the way! I said barely. I still figured it out. I actually do really appreciate the dialect.)

As for criticisms, I can’t think of much. Grammar quirks were few, yadda yadda. Although I’m a little curious as to what exactly the theme of the story is (something which I am terrible at doing regardless). Honesty? Betrayal? Love, perhaps? Hmm.

So yeah, your story makes a lot more sense if you read it a few times again. I can see where my naming oopsies came into play, but obviously you didn't mean for that to happen. The story is indeed very well written, the author clearly demonstrating not only a mastery of grammar and structure, but of, well, horses and guns and stuff! I do like stories of this kind of genre, so keep it up!

The Lost Dagger of G’narv

So when I first read the prompt, something along the lines of this story came to my mind. I mean, obviously it wasn’t the exact idea, but it was cool to see someone else who went in the same direction. Your story is clearly well thought out and really elegantly written, though there were some grammar mistakes, not that they were consistent or bad or altered the coherency of your sentences. I mean, you had twelve days to write this, so you’re good. The only other thing worth pointing out is that some of your paragraphs were pretty bulky, which means two things. One, you can write a lot, which is good. Two, it can be a little intimidating and even hard to read (at least for me, getting lost in lines), which can be bad. But every writer has their own views on when to start a new paragraph soooooo…. can’t really snipe you on that.

What I’d like to know is what was up with the mermaids? I mean there were never quite explained, and Trevor himself didn’t bother/care to think about it. But I bother/care!

At any rate, I kinda like that Trevor was able to achieve his goal, and only through the aid of a previously sworn enemy species. So yeah, I thought that was pretty awesome. Though I certainly hope all the fame and fortune doesn’t get to Trevor’s head, even though he did it all for his younger brother. :P

Forgotten Dream

Ooooh, poem! Wasn’t expecting to see one here, but okay. I’m game.

So, as you may or may not know, I’m the #1 fan of free verse poetry, because my rhyming is awkward and unrhythmic, which is why I always appreciate a poem that pulls it off impeccably, much like the poem for which I voted in the last RPGC. The rhymes are almost melodic to me.

What I most like about poetry is that you can toy around with structure and tinker with the comparatively strict rules that prose abides by. The first thing about your poem that caught my attention was the third line of the first stanza:

The electronic words un“spoken”

As well as the repeated lines of dialogue in the second stanza.

We can see that the unnamed female that this poem is about (or perhaps could be expanded to include an entire population of people who have, lamentably, taken their lives as a result of depression brought about by loneliness, bullying, et cetera) has taken on a great deal of hurt in her life, and even in stripping herself of it, believes that, “They might care more if [she] could die!” Truly, it is a sad implication, but a beautifully done poem in my opinion.

As for criticism, it’s generally hard to criticize poetry in general apart from obvious spelling mistakes, of which the poem is free. Because, like, y’know, poetry is complex and usually everything has some kind of hidden meaning or motive behind it. But I guess what I don’t like, which isn’t your fault really, is that sometimes I suck at analyzing things that obviously are significant, a prime example being the one line I indicated above. As you can see, I left out any sort of information other than the fact that I liked it. Regardless, I enjoyed reading your entry.

Stained Snow Melts Last

For me, this was my favorite title of the bunch. Oh, and I kinda appreciate you formatted it how most books are formatted. Like, with indented paragraphs. I’m too lazy to do that, so you get +1 effort points right there.

So, um, sorry. I admit that I almost squealed with delight when Roan called the sword “the key” because I immediately thought of Kingdom Hearts. Please forgive me for that.

Anyway, okay, yes. This was a masterfully written piece. The narration, the dialogue, the plot, everything. It was smooth, easy to read, it was simply wonderful. Obviously this is only a chunk out of something much larger, but I think we can all guess why it was this part of it and not something else. I am very curious as to who the “bastard” is, and what kind of barrier he possesses. Perhaps one made out of a human soul? Regardless, this was an awesome piece of literary, um… Literary something. It was good, okay?

All Or Nothing

I really wanted to make the title the Latin equivalent of the phrase, but I’m glad I didn’t. This seems more appropriate in good ol’ English. Oh, Max. You… lol. You’re something else. Thanks for (unknowingly) providing me with the inspiration to pull this one off.

Snatcher

Okay, if you hadn’t put in your preface that this was a summary and that paragraph transitions would be choppy, I would’ve been genuinely upset with your entry. But you seem like you can really spin up some nice tales, just by the way your writing is, so I’m obviously not going to sling anything mean your way since you already acknowledged it.

Ugh, so let the record show Matt is one of my least favorite characters. And I mean that in a good way. You wrote him in a way that made me annoyed at his practical jokester-ness. Seriously. I wanna slap that kid upside the head.

Also, I used to be the big card dealer on the playground when Yu-Gi-Oh! was still a big thing, so the Harpie Lady inclusion was pretty kickass. (It was one of my favorite cards. Elegant Egotist? Harpie’s Pet Dragon? Harpie Lady Sisters? HARPIE’S FEATHER DUSTER? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Ahem. Yeah, but mostly as a little kid I kinda thought they were good-looking. looool)

I’m just confused about the powers, who has them, and why. You’ll have to excuse me, because I know nothing about superhero fandoms. I saw the Fantastic Four movie once and forget what it was even about, really. So I’m just curious as to how Matt, Will, and (possibly?) Kyra received their powers, and how Kelly knows how to subdue Matt’s. But other than that, I’d like to see this entry actually strung out and less choppy. Would be interesting.

Little Guardian

Ahh, I remember writing a review for Little Me.

Oh, wow, this’ll be a long one. Looks like you were the one who broke the limit, eh? Hmmm!

Hah, just kidding, I don’t care.

“A few minutes prior”… Time traveling within a story about time traveling? Meta-time-traveling?! Okay, I can dig it, I can dig it.

Oh, oh my.

Oh, wow.

Okay. Maybe I can’t dig it.

So, those descriptions you gave of Calan? Where he looks like he’s in pain and stuff? Yeah, that’s me right now. Whew, you really spun up a crazy tale there. Time travel is definitely not my cup of tea. I could sorta follow the logic behind the main character’s plan and how she executed it, but damn! The future time travelers need to come to this time and recruit you, if there was ever any kind of… um. Intergalactic time-based warfare, and they needed a strategist. Holy damn.

Now, the idea and the plot itself were very unique and I really liked that, but the story itself did not flow very well with me. It was long and included a lot of action, and I mean a lot, but things just felt a little rushed, with leaving some details out. However, like all of us, you had a limited timeframe and the gist of your story was still communicated, so, okay, I guess. But still, WOW. Have you watched Inception? Could you explain it to me? I’m serious. The fact that you actually wrote a story about time traveling and, and, and… making it actually work (fairies and parallel universes notwithstanding), that’s pretty commendable.

The protagonist went through ALL THAT, just to ensure her past self lived a better life. Pretty selfless, I’d say. Or… Well, I guess by definition that is technically selfish, but since she herself isn’t getting any benefit from it… Ah, you get what I’m saying. :)

Thanks to Holmishire’s entry causing me to do some research on the Deltora Quest series, I have just discovered it was made into an anime and will be semi-binge-watching it as I fall asleep. Thank you, and good night!

so this is kinda cool (warning: nerd monologue)

At the north/south poles, the sun only rises and sets once per year. (In the north, it rises in March and sets in September, I believe). Also since every degree of longitude converges at the poles, you're standing in every single time zone at once, existing in both "today" and "tomorrow" and "yesterday" depending on what time it actually is everywhere else in the world. Also, if you're standing at the north pole, it's impossible to move east or west. Every way you turn is, by definition, south

i like when things are different like that.

that is all.

Go through the Alphabet before someone posts a My Little Pony Picture

Damn right!

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

It's cool to think all this writing was produced in just 12 days. Congrats everyone, and good luck!

Go through the Alphabet before someone posts a My Little Pony Picture

B that as it may, we can't give up.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

Despite the UTC -12 midnight deadline, I still submitted before midnight EST. *pats self on back*