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    1. Brithwyr 8 yrs ago

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5 yrs ago
If a horse runs too fast, it bleeds from the lungs
5 yrs ago
Alright. Let's take this from the top.
5 yrs ago
The Nation RP scene is dead right now... When does it pick up!?
5 yrs ago
Don't cut yourself on that edge, Andreyich.
3 likes
5 yrs ago
The shovel may have broke new ground, but it was the hot air balloon that took humanity to new heights
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We return now to Those Wacky Bandits, starring Siiga.

Rather than wait for her clueless gadabouts to catch up, Siiga ploughed on. No point on lagging behind waiting for a load of drunk chumps to catch up. Besides, the sooner she got there, the sooner the Artifact was hers.

She moved surprisingly fast considering she had no mount. Maybe now that she had cast off her drunken companions, she didn't have to stop and start every thirty steps. The terrain was familiar to her as a bandit, forest making way for rocky outcrop. She marched on and on, ears sensitive for the sounds of horse hoofs while her eyes scanned for this cave.

She found it on the northeast side. It looked pretty unassuming, but experience told Siiga that didn't mean anything in the long run. Entire treasure troves were buried in the back of seemingly unassuming caves, so it paid to check out each and every dusty hole with a fine brush just it make sure it wasn't hiding the Holy Grail. And although this wasn't hiding any grails, it was hiding something equally as impressive.

A long rocky bridge stretched out before her, leading to a castle like structure at the end. Siiga knew better than to question the logic of the storage areas for magical artifacts and didn't bother asking questions as she toddled gormlessly along the bridge. Her hand was on the hilt of her blade the whole while, expecting some hidden guardian to rise from the floor and pound her into luncheon meat. No such fortune, and instead she wound up in a room with a spiral staircase. Boy, whoever designed this place was really overthinking it. What happened to the old "hidden nature sanctuary" method of hiding mystical bullshit artifacts? Some trees, a river, maybe a waterfall or some crystals... why a massive castle inside a cave? It was like someone had an image that they really wanted to use and just built the place to specification without rhyme or reason as to what would be logical.

But whatever, if it had the artifact and those knights werent here, then she was quids in, right? That's what she thought as she went up the stairs.
But this place was cliche central. Some old biddie in a hood sat over an orb and whisper into it like a gypsy. She couldn't help but roll her eyes.

"So what brings you here?" Asked the Gypsy. Siiga shrugged, her hands still firmly on the hilt of that sword.

"Looking for a magic artifact. Was told it would be here" she said candidly.
A space-age NRP?

The problem with guns isnt a lack of legislation against them. The problem is that people think legislating against them is enough.

It seems to me that neither Democrat or Republican in the US and neither Labour or Conservative in the UK are tackling the causes or crime, only the after effects. When someone's already involved in organised crime, its too late.

Take, for instance, the town of Addiewell in the UK. Disasterous amounts of child abuse, neglect, drug and alcohol abuse, assault... All kinds of horrible things. But the town also has an 80% unemployment rate. There are no jobs available, and no business seems to want to touch the place. Then the parents inflict that on their kids and the cycle begins anew when the kids have kids.

I honestly believe if we're going to tackle gun violence and organised crime, we need to tackle poverty at the same time
The bandit gang was fighting their stomachs as the followed their glorious leader's instructions. They, ahem, borrowed a few horses from the stables, and Siiga, being Siiga, conjured herself a massive flaming lion to mount up and ride. It was quite a sight, seeing this young lady leading a gang of rough and scarred thugs away on a glorious burning beast. Anyone watching it would be telling stories to their neighbours, I'll tell you that much right now.

They rode as hard as they could, discounting the occasional stop to empty their stomachs and/or bladders of their contents, and they thought they were making good pace towards the mountains. They were lighter than those they were outrunning, but they didnt have the benefits of the fancy armours and horses that had been gifted to their rivals. This was going to be close, even if Siiga didnt realise it yet.

The land here was scarred and battered. Ruined by generations of kings squabbling over petty territory disputes no doubt. In her mind, the injuries of the land just compounded why she couldnt let the king get this artifact. What would he use it for other than conquest and expanding his dominion? At least she was honest about her goals. She wanted money. She was going to get money. And fuck anyone who was going to take that money from her.

They came to a forest when the bandits finally decided to stop. The horses were getting tired, they said. Liars. They were too blasted to even know how tired the horses were.

"Boss, maybe some of us should stay behind." One of the more sober thugs offered.

Siiga turned, her face lit from the blazing corona that made up the lion's mane. "And why, pray tell, should we do that?"

Stretch, for once in his fucking life, actually had a good idea. "Those knights will be following us, right? We should stay back and ambush em! Then no one will be chasin' us and we can go a little slower"

Siiga could see through their petty excuses. They wanted to stop and wait for the buzz to pass. Still, an ambush did sound appealing. It would get rid of those fucking knights, thats for sure, and they might have some good loot they could use or sell.

"Alright, alright, fine. Who wants to stay behind for the ambush?" Everyones hand went up. Of course they did. "Fine. How about you set up by that stream and I'll carry on..."

"Boss, we could really use some help, y'know?"

Ugh. Fine! If these shitheads needed to be fucking babied all the way there, then fuck it! "Alright, alright! Stretch, you're in charge! Have your boys set up some caltrops in the stream! When the horses hit them, stick em with arrows from a range. And keep out of sight, y'hear?"

She dismounted from her lion and starting walking, turning her back on the gang of ruffians. "If shit goes down, set the big guy on em. Ride up to me as soon as they're gone. As soon as, got it? You'll have no trouble catching up if you keep your horses out of sight."

Leaving Stretch and his men behind to prepare the ambush by the stream, Siiga herself starting hoofing it. Trust those bandits to take the lazy way out
Oh for fuck's... Couldn't a girl go out and have a nice time without some slack-jawed knight in shining armour coming over and demanding to get involved? Just when the punch-up was about to start, too. Yaaaawn.

Course, before she could make her dissatisfaction known and kindly request that the knight select the window through which he would make his departure, another bampot decided he would get involved too. Some glowy fucker, I dunno. Didn't recognise the face. Regardless, Siiga's hand slipped to her hip and settled on the knife hilt there. If things got ugly, she wanted to land the first hit.

"This doesn't concern you, old man. Piss off" Siiga snarled.

He talked so fancy, it was sickening. You could tell a lot about a person by the way they talked. For example, from the way Sir Glows-a-lot was talking, Siiga could tell he was a pure bellend, and probably a kiddie fiddler. All "youthful folk" this and "young one" that. And yet everyone seemed so enraptured by him, like they were looking at the Gods themselves. That just seemed like a good way to inflate his ego, she thought, still not letting go of her dagger.

He cast some glowy spells - because of course he did - and insisted that she go and grab some ancient mystical artifact for him. Oh, and he was a king, apparently. Siiga reacted to that the same way one would react to being told the weather. A king, sending other people to do his dirty work? Whomever would have thunk it?

"Cut the "young one" crap, old man. You're giving me the creeps." was Siiga's initial response, before her features softened. "Yo,if you're that dead set on getting it, why dontcha get it yourself? Either way, I'm sure it can wait til after the festival" when the booze has run dry, she added under her breath.

She sat down, ready to go back to her drinks. A night of strong beer and easy women lay before her. But no sooner than had she taken the first sip did she hear...

"...I need someone from the Aion to get this relic..."

Siiga slammed her mug down. "Come on, lads. Get up. We're moving"

The general reaction was a confused "huh?"

"If we dont get a move on, those fancy-ass knight motherfuckers are gonna get it first. Like fuck am I letting that happen. Come on, lets go!"

Still very drunk, the motley band of crooks gathered their things and staggered out the door. They were gonna find this artifact, and damn the knights and their Day-Glo king
Friends, Enemies and the line between them


With the ongoing festival, it was a lot easier for a few misfits to squeeze through the cracks. The guards were overworked trying to keep track of all the visitors. Of course all the big names were kept on lists, but the average schmuck got barely more than a cursory check before being waved through. No guard wanted to be that guy, you know the one. The one that keeps everyone back because they think that guy in the crowd sort of looks like that petty thief from three nights ago. No, the guards were there to do their job. Big important guests got ticked off the list, everyone else just had to present a badge.

And you know, those badges weren't exactly hard to come across. Sometimes in the excitement, people would drop theirs. Particularly skilled craftsmen could make near perfect replicas. Maybe you'd find one on, say, the battered and broken corpse of a greedy, exploitative merchant and his bodyguards on the road to the city. Lots of places to pick one up.

So was it really a surprise that Siiga Kalayo, notorious outlaw and defiler of heirs, had managed to give the guards the slip? I don't imagine so. And was it really surprising that her and her closest companions had managed to sniff out a bar and were currently in the process of getting, and I believe this is the medical term, drunk as a fiddler's bitch? Of course, they weren't all three sheets to the wind. While her companions were busy making their livers cry, Siiga herself was taking a more moderate approach. After all, what was the point of having a fun night if you couldn't remember it the next morning?

Of course they got some funny looks. It didn't help that, being strapped to the teeth, girded in light armour and with bandannas hanging from their necks, ready to be pulled over their faces at a moment's notice, they couldn't more obviously be bandits if someone had pinned their wanted posters to the back of their necks. But the thing is, they hadn't actually done anything yet. Sloshed though they may be, they hadn't been belligerent or particularly loud, nor where they driving the clientele away. They'd paid for all their drinks, though it probably wasn't a good idea to think too hard about where the money came from, and even their passes at the serving girls had been tamer than what they were used to. Except for Stretch. But Stretch was a fucking idiot. No one listened to Stretch.

Now, they were all set up for having a jolly old time of drinking, maybe a bit of dancing later and probably having a massive feast with all the money that someone else worked so hard to earn. But Siiga's relative sobriety meant she was acutely aware of what everyone around her was saying. Most ignored them. The few that made comments said stuff like "they're having fun" or "Looks like they're having a good time". Harmless stuff. Except for those three. Stuffed shirt types in heavy armour, they were, and coincidentally, a trio of colossal dicks. Every time one of the gang made a joke, they'd sneer and turn their noses up at them. If they ordered another round of beers, they would request some fancy-ass wine with a name that sounded exactly like the noise your dog makes when he's somehow swallowed a plastic bag. It was starting to get on Siiga's nerves.

But the last straw came when they finally made a comment about them out loud. Stretch thought he was a lady's man. Because of course it was Stretch. When is it ever not Stretch? No, seriously, pause for a second and think of a time when a night out was fucked up by anyone except Stretch. Can't do it, can you? Fuck's sake, Stretch. Anyway, he had been hitting on this waitress all night, who had been taking it pretty well, when he pulled the cheesiest line out of his ass.

"Hey, babe, I wish I could rearrange the alphabet, so I could put U and I together"

The waitresses didn't even blink "We don't need to rearrange the alphabet. N and O are already next to each other"

That's what you get, Stretch. Next time don't be such a goddamn moron. After that verbal spanking, Stretch was noticeably quite embarrassed and the others were teasing him for it when one of the armoured types said:
"Of course she said no. The ladies here actually have some class." And then, looking dead at Siiga, he added, "Most of them, anyway"

That was the tipping point. Siiga wasn't going to take an insult like that to her face without saying something. She'd had just enough of these stuffy asswipes.
"What was that? You said something."

To their credit, two of them at least had the decency to look embarrassed. The one who actually made the comment, he did not.
"I said, most of the ladies here have class. Is that a word your familiar with, you drunken whore?"

Siiga didn't back down. Oh, no, not one bit. She stood up, cracked her knuckles, and responded "And I thought today was gonna be boring! Come on, tough guy, come here and say that to my face!"

The stuffy type didnt rise to her challenge sadly
"Oh, and she's violent, too! I'd love to fight, but I'm afraid I'd catch some kind of disease from your blood"

"Ooh, good one. I'll need to remember that next time I'm rolling off of your mum." Childish, maybe, but it was all a set-up for "How is your sister these days? Daddy still treating her well?"

That one struck a nerve. "Is that supposed to be funny?"

"Jeez, lighten up, big guy. Where's your sense of humour?" The bandit went on. "I think Daddy's been leaving someone out of family fun time again~"

The armoured guy's eyes narrowed and his voice was a hoarse whisper. "Say that again. I dare you."

"Oh, you mean, the thing I just said, right now? Certainly. Ahem. I - that's me - think - thats a mental process, you might not be familiar with it - Daddy - that is, your father - has been leaving someone - thats you - out of family fun time -I, heh, really don't think we need to go into that - again - that's implying that this has happened before"

The atmosphere in the bar was noticeably tenser than it was ten minutes ago. You could almost hear the silent willing of the onlookers chanting "fight, fight, fight" as the two squared off. Actually, that might just be me, I forgot to take my Seroquel this morning.
An unexpected guest


Lord Jalokivi's rise had not been entirely predictable. His father had been the retainer of a minor lord, Baron Kurakav, a fat and corrupt man who was good for putting up a show and not much else. He was an impotent ruler, a poor administrator and an all-round liability to the kingdom as a whole. After years of loyal service, he had called Sir Jalokovi to his court to award him with... A rocky, barren outcrop.

"It is our dearest hope" he had said "that you shall take these rich and fertile lands and turn them into a shining example of what all drow should hope to achieve. With some hard wark, you shall be the envy of Tsunatontu!"

Sir Jalokivi could do nothing splutter a thanks. The act was an insult to his honour, and everyone knew it. Sir Jalokivi was everything Kurakav was not. He was kind, loyal, charitable and popular. Kurakav saw this as a threat to what trappings of power he had. So he got rid of his imagined rival in the smartest way he could think of - granting him his own dominion where Jalokivi was even more impotent than the Baron. Everyone at court was aware of what the Baron had done, including Jalokivi. But he dared not call the Baron out. After all, who could justify insulting a man for granting them their own land?

It was while surveying his land with a few friends for the sign of something they could use it that they first found the caves. At first, it seemed like just a hole in the rock, but as they explored it further, they discovered a vast and expansive cavern, the walls lined with rich, untapped veins of iron and silver ore. Baron Kurakav had just granted Jalokivi the richest iron deposit in all Tsunatontu.

When the Baron found out, he was furious. He ordered that Jalokivi give the lands back. Such an act, however, breached their fuedal contract, and Jalokivi found himself backed by an unlikely coalition of peasants, merchants and nobles alike. Kurakov had no dependable allies and when the dust settled it was Jalokivi who had won. The greedy Baron was stripped of his titles by the local Count, who granted them to the victorious Jalokivi, before having the traitor executed for his crimes.

Jalokivi had told the story of his father's battle against the foul Kurakov many times. It was always a crowd pleaser. It was his mines that kept the Tsunatontu armies armed, his iron that made up the blades of the peasants' ploughs. And now, with this new deal with the far-off Amazons, it would be his iron the King would be buying in bulk to send to them for gold.

He knew he shouldn't be bitter. He was being paid for his services, after all. But he knew how politics worked. The Count demanded a large portion of the iron be kept back for his purchase, and took the lion's share of any profits the Baron made beyond that. The Duke, in turn, did the same to the Count, and the King to the Duke. A clever system. In theory, in meant all the nobles were paid according to their station. In practice, it meany whenever there was a deal like this one, almost all the gold went to the King, the Duke and the Count, while the Baron, the one actually producing all the iron, saw barely a trickle of the profits. All around him where other Barons desperate to get a slice of the action - if he dared oppose even the Count, he would find no support amongst his peers. Opposing the King? Out of the question. He simply had to grit his teeth and smile as his money found its way into other people's coffers.

It had been a clear, dry night and the Baron had been planning on having a quiet night in. He and his top lieutenants were in his manor's smoking room, decanting some bitter Sima and playing a few games of chess when a messenger arrived at the door.

"So sorry to bother you, M'lord, but a most important guest has arrived at the door. You'll want to greet him personally, sir"

Who could it possibly be? The count? The duke, mayhap? The Baron got up and went to go see.

The figure standing at the door was dressed in a dark riding cloak, but he could not hide the fine quality of his clothing. He wore little jewellery, but his hair was long and he had no beard, a sure sign of his noble status. One glance at his hip, at the gem-encrusted haft of his saber, told the Baron this was no petty lord like himself. But it was only as he let him in that he caught sight of the signet ring on his finger.

"I hate to disturb you at such a time of night" said Prince Iyiiro "But I have an important proposition for you that simply cannot wait until we next happen to meet by chance."

The Baron bowed deeply "Why, my lord, it is no disturbance at all! Please, come, sit by the fire! Tis a biting cold night, and you must have travelled far!"

The lieutenants were dismissed from the smoking room as the Baron's servants fetched the Prince a bottle of the good Sima. Once the formalities were out the way and both men had a glass, the Baron finally asked what it was that brought the royal son all the way out here.

The Prince did not answer immediately. "It is a shame that you should live in such a small manor, Baron. Your mines are the lifeblood of bith our armies and our farmers, yet you live in the kind of home any good merchant could buy."

The Baron's answer was even "It is a home befitting of my station, my lord"

"Oh, I meant no disrespect. It is a fine place, filled with fine people." The Prince responded. "But a man of your importance should not be content with merely 'fine'. 'Fine' is for the businessman, for the man who has made his money and is content not to make any more. 'Fine' is for the retired man, who wants somewhere cozy to live out the rest of his days. But you, good Baron... 'fine' is far too low for a man of your stature"

"I hope you did not travel from the capital merely to pass judgements on the suitability of my house" the Baron raised an eyebrow.

The Prince shook his head "Of course not. In fact, I come with a deal. One that I think may interest you greatly"

The Baron had not been the most active participant in politics. But even he could not fail to notice the air of conspiracy that seemed to hang in the air. "Go on..."

"As I'm sure you're aware, we still have lands that belong to our people in the hands of a foreign power. Our people, toiling under strangers. Tyrants exploiting our brothers and sisters for their own selfish ends. This needs to stop."

"My lord, we are already preparing for war. A border guard has been set up, my workers are pulling double shifts..."

The prince interrupted "We are ready for the war, Baron. Yet the King... My father... He continues to dither. He shows no spine when it comes to reclaiming our ancestral lands. It is as though he does not wish to go to war"

The Baron sat and thought for a moment. If the Prince was saying what he thought he was saying... "I'm sure His Majesty is simply preparing for every eventuality"

"Or waiting for a way out." The prince noted wryly. "I can see no reason why he shows hesitation. He has the men, the weapons, the support... Now he seems determined to fritter away our steel on consorting with... Savages."

The baron winced. The trade had been a sore spot for him. Not that he disagreed with it, but it was supposed to enrich them all. But he had gained nothing. If he, a noble, had not seen any major changes, then what would the peasants gain? This was a deal that only benefitted the King.

"You think we shouldn't have traded with the Amazons?" Asked the Baron.

"I think that decision should have been left in the hands of the man who's iron is being traded, not the King." Said the Prince. "Especially with the war coming. It shows that, once again, Father cares only about his own wallet and not his subjects - noble or common."

Yes. It was hard to find fault with the young Prince's words. Harsh as he sounded, everything he said was true. "So what do you hope to do?"

"I want to force his hand. Find out where his loyalties truly lie." The Prince looked down at his glass, trembling with... Fury? Anticipation? Nerves? It was hard to say. "I am gathering as many true patriots of Tsunatontu as I can. On my own, i have had no luck convincing the King to abandon his avarice and think of the people. He thinks, because of our ancestry, that ypu will remain loyal to him no matter what he does. He would sacrifice our nation to satisfy his own greed, and he expects us all to go along with it."
"Thats not going to happen. If I can gather enough men, enough nobles like yourself, to back me up, maybe tigether we can show him that Tsunatontu is not his personal playground. Maybe we can show him he can't do what he wants. And maybe we can force him to start this war and bring justice to our brothers and sisters across the border."

"And if he doesn't listen to us?"

The Prince smiled thinly. "Then I need enough men to help me throw a tyrant off his throne."

The Baron needed a moment to think. Moving against the King like this... Was that not treason? If anyone knew they even had this talk, his neck would be in the chopping block. And yet everything the Prince had said was true. The King had overstepped his authority by using the Baron's mines. The very fact the Count could reserve iron without paying for it was an affront to the Baron's authority. These were his lands, dammit! Why was he forced to sacrifice what he and his workers had achieved to fund some foreigners adventures?

But could he trust the Prince? "What will you have me do?"

"Just give me your word that when the time is right, you will back me up. Whether that be with words or with steel."

Seemed simple enough. "And what do I have to gain from this?"

"You mean other than greater autonomy, control over your own mines and a guarantee that any profits you make, you keep?" The prince smiled a little wider "Its no secret you're the only real moneymaker in the county - no, the duchy. You should have a title that fits your power"

Increased authority in his owm lands, more money and a new title? It seemed almost too good to be true. With minimum committment, the Baron could do for his children whatnhis father had done for him. He could leave behind a legacy he could be proud of - and change the shape of Tsunatontu politics forever.

"Alright. You have my support, my Prince."

As the Prince offered a profound thanks, the Baron finished his Sima. Soon, he thought, soon the time would come where his contributions would finally be recognised. With the Prince on the throne, he would finally earn what he was rightfully due.

How is this?

@SoulChrysamere

There's.... no OOC content
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