This belongs in member's lounge.
But there's no harm in it being here, I think, if it goes the discussion route.
In all seriousness if you're looking for advice about poetry, on this poem, my suggestion? This sounds more like hip hop than traditional poetry, which relies more on BPM and
free verse.
Specifically:
Your poem has no structure.
It sounds nice, but it has no discernible rhythm. There's the occasional rhyme but it's often off beat. To illustrate:
"Walks to the light" --4 syllables.
"And casts the dark with glory's might."[/i] --9 syllables.
The stanzas themselves vary in size. (Lines: 9, 15, 10, 11.)
You've got the message there, though. At least it has some meaning, and that's the most important part, so...
My recommendation? Learn a couple poetry styles and practice them to death, and dabble in free verse if you like, though free verse is arguable one of the hardest forms of poetry to master. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm terrible at it myself.
ExampleHaiku (5-7-5 is traditional, you can play with the syllable count in new forms. It often talks about nature, and contrasts to something human, like an emotion, or feeling.)
"Clouds drift over me
I see beauty so clearly
Darkness takes me home"ABAB Rhyme and rhythm as defined in an A-B-A-B pattern. It rhymes in the first and third lines, and second and fourth lines each respectively.
In fact, there are many, many kinds that you can try, I simply find ABAB is one of the better ones to start on for practice.
Robert Frost did a lot of ABAB.
"The people along the
sandAll turn and look one
way.They turn their back on the
land.They look at the sea all
day.As long as it takes to
passA ship keeps raising its
hull;The wetter ground like
glassReflects a standing
gull.The land may vary
more;But wherever the truth may
be---
The water comes
ashore,And the people look at the
sea.They cannot look out
far.They cannot look in
deep.But when was that ever a
barTo any watch they
keep?"
Source of example.
Hope I was helpful. ^^;
