casper

'Til Death Do Us Part

Sam sat quietly on the floor and dried his eyes looking up at the shampoo bottle placed back on the ledge in the shower unit. It had only been a few weeks, it was too soon to begin to erase Brooklyn's things from his life and the home. Sam knew that whilst her ordinary household things were still in the house he was open to the idea of her walking back through the door, something that he knew was not possible.

Sam sat and rested his head against the side of the bath wondering what Brooklyn would say if she was able to see and hear him right now. He often had conversations with her, seeking her guidance when he was struggling through the day.

"Oh, Sam!"

He imagined Brooklyn's soft voice comforting him as he tried to deal with the contents of the bathroom. What would she want? She wouldn't want him to sit on the floor sad. She'd want him to deal with the situation. Never forget her, always love her but move on all the same. He and Louis had a life to live. He heard her voice clear in his head. It was a little disconcerting, but all the same he felt a warm glow that he had not forgotten the sound of her voice.

"I wish you were still here with us Brooklyn, but I know you're not. It feels so wrong, just packing up your shampoo but I know we've got to move on."

"I wish I knew what to do honey."

Sam wouldn't do the clean-up today. It could wait. Louis soon awoke from his afternoon nap and Sam hugged him.

"I've just been talking to Mommy, she's still here with us son. She's always here as long we remember to love her."

'Til Death Do Us Part

It was over. The funeral was over. Brooklyn had gone and everything around Sam continued. They drove back to the wake at his house, people came in and paid their respects. Friends and family spoke in hushed tones, everyone passed their respects and kind thoughts and Sam heard loved ones meaning well informing him, 'that if there was anything they could do, he just had to ask'. Once Sam had heard this for the tenth time the one thing he wanted to say was, 'unless you can bring Brooklyn back, there is nothing you can do'. He knew they meant well and came from a good place but it was tiring. Sam just wanted everyone to go.

Life went on. Louis still needed feeding, changing and sleeps. Life went on. The mourners finally left, his mom and Brooklyn's parents the last to go. He hugged them dearly at the door. He felt with the three grandparents he at least had a fighting chance. The door closed. That night Sam opened a bottle of whiskey they'd got in for Christmas. He sipped his first glass, lost in the melancholy of his thoughts. The glass empty he stared at the bottle. He wanted to pour another glass. He wanted to drink the whole bottle, to descend into oblivion and forget. He imagined Brooklyn looking down on him, how sad she would be to see him in this state, how she would want him to be a good father to Louis. He screwed the lid back on the bottle and went to bed, waiting for life to start again.

---

When was it going to stop. The days after Brooklyn's funeral were filled with loneliness and sadness. January was grey. The town was cold and grey. Everywhere he looked was drab and muddy. A life without Brooklyn was a life devoid of colour. The streets, the buildings were all drained of life, the people he passed went about their life whilst he was trapped in this miserable existence. Thankfully the phone calls of friends had stopped. It was emotionally draining listening to those calls from people who wanted, but couldn't help. The calls had stopped but then he felt himself pining for someone to talk to. Autumn and Rick still called, but they had their own pain, and their own lives to lead. Patty still came round, but he wondered when life would be 'normal', not that he ever wanted 'normal', because normal without Brooklyn wasn't normal.

He had returned to work and put Louis into day care. He needed to provide for the boy and he felt terribly guilty that he wasn't there all day but he didn't have a choice. The quiet at the library helped him deal with his grief and his colleagues gave him the space he needed. He struggled being friendly with the visitors but managed to maintain a distanced politeness. In the store after work, picking up groceries he wondered how everyone else could just carry on. How can life just carry on? Is my grief and Brooklyn's death that unimportant in the scheme of things? How can it be?

---

Sam spoke about Brooklyn to Louis every day, keeping a photograph of her in his room. She'd watch over him from Heaven, of that he was sure. Each night he kissed that photograph in front of Louis and would put Louis' hand on it, whilst Sam repeated, 'Mama'.

---

Sam broke down often. Other times he felt resolve. He tried to think what Brooklyn would want. He went into his bedroom and opened her wardrobe where all her clothes were. He intended folding them neatly and donating them to charity. A woman's refuge, a homeless shelter, families in the third world, anywhere where the things she owned could do good. Sam stared at the clothes. Her folded jeans, tops hanging in the wardrobe, shoes in the base. He closed the door. Not now, he couldn't give them away. Not now. He reconsidered and went into the bathroom. Like most women, Brooklyn owned an multitude of soaps, lotions, haircare products. Sam went to dispose of them and gather them in a bag. He put her shampoo in the bag first and sat on the bathroom floor and cried again. He put it back. Not now, not today.

'Til Death Do Us Part

Christmas was hard.

Patty and Jennifer spent time with Sam and Louis on Christmas Day and for that he was eternally grateful. He woke up Christmas morning and thankfully, due to having a small baby it was very much the same as every other morning. There was something about the routine that helped Sam during that first week. He could go on auto-pilot, he could avoid thinking about her. Not that he wasn't hurting, but going through motions of 'things to do' made it all a little easier.

Having Louis around helped also. There would be no point living without him. Sam never seriously considered taking his life but there were times, like when Louis was asleep and he had space to think that it hurt so bad. He didn't want to die, more he wanted the pain to stop. Death would be a release and he would be with Brooklyn again. Louis stopped all that. Sam had promised Louis on the day of his birth to protect him and Sam kept his promises.

He went through the traditions at Christmas. Mom cooked a dinner and they entered into the spirit of things. Louis liked the fuss that was made of him and although he was far to small for the rocking horse Sam the little boy had fun. It pained Sam so much that Brooklyn hadn't seen the finished rocking horse. She would have adored it.

Brooklyn absolutely adored Christmas. She'd sing carols, decorate the tree and the house, volunteer at the homeless kitchen. She adored giving and receiving gifts, her wrapping was always exquisite. She helped cook the Christmas meal that was enough to feed an army and family, friends and neighbours were always close in and out of each other's houses. She was exhilarated and excited at the thought of Louis' first Christmas. It broke Sam's heart to know she wasn't around to see it.

'Louis' first Christmas' helped a lot. It was a shift in tone away from 'First Christmas without Mom'. Louis wouldn't remember this Christmas as either so it gave Sam strength to think of it as Louis' first.

After the excitement of Christmas comes that empty week before New Year. It's cold and grey and a post-Christmas laziness and boredom settles in. Not for Sam. It was a week of dread. Pure dread. He was counting down the day until he had to say goodbye. He wished time would stay still. No funeral meant she wasn't dead and that she could walk through the door. He missed her deeply.

---

The morning of the funeral arrived and Sam felt awful. He tried to look after Louis but spent most of the time in the bathroom. He vomited his breakfast, his throat and mouth coated with regurgitated cereal and coffee. His heart beat fast and his eyes ringed damp. He sat on the toilet and his bowels evacuated. He put his head in his hands and the realisation that he couldn't cope and wouldn't cope. He tried to pull it together, he really did. He showered and got ready to put his suit on but when he walked he realised he was sweating and feeling light headed. He felt faint and that he was going to die. Sam, for the first time in his life was suffering from such anxiety and stress it was debilitating him. Not today of all days. Today was the day he had to be the man Brooklyn deserved. He could not fail her. Not today.

Sam insisted on Louis being at the funeral. It wasn't as though he had a lot of options for babysitters anyway. Everyone he'd trust with Louis would be at the funeral. They all loved her as much as her. Louis' crying, gurgling and babbling would distract people in their grief and Sam felt Louis had a right to be there.

Sam, Chad and Rick were pallbearers. It was the last act of kindness Sam would ever do for Brooklyn. He loved Chad like a brother for being there for them. The man with the greatest weight was Rick. No man should ever have to carry his daughter for the last time. Sam worried about Rick and his health but the truth was he wouldn't dare try and sway Rick. It was their job to do it. Sam hugged Rick when the coffin arrived at the Crematorium. They were sat in the following vehicle and Rick said, "I held her and I kissed her when she entered the world. Today I'll hold her as she leaves."

Sam placed his hand on Rick's. They didn't need to say anything more.

Sam, Chad and Rick were stood by the hearse as the mahogany coffin was gently and delicately raised by the undertakers. Sam and Rick were asked to come to the front as the undertakers helped them rest the coffin on their shoulders. Brooklyn was a slight woman but this coffin, even though there were six of them carrying her it was the heaviest thing Sam had ever felt.

As the bars of the music began for the funeral procession Sam couldn't hold it in anymore. He sniffed, tears fell but he would not break, he would not fall. He would carry her, this last time. Those slow steps allowed Sam to focus on walking ahead and nothing else. As they continued their slow march a sound from someone special broke the silence.

"Mama!"

The coffin rested on it's stand Sam walked to the front row where Patty held Louis, the little boy kicking his legs and arms to the coffin with a picture of Brooklyn beside it.

"Mama!"

Louis had done it again. He'd changed the mood. With him there Brooklyn would be too. Today was going to be horrible but with Louis by his side he could get through it.

Sam had written quite a lot for Brooklyn's eulogy. How could one encapsulate a life in just a few minutes? It wasn't possible. When the time came Sam stood behind the lectern and began.

"I want to... I want to...to talk about Brooklyn..."

He stared at his notes and at the congregation watching him. People who hardly knew her attending out of respect, her dearest friends and family heartbroken together.

"I can't do this," he said, "I..." Sam wiped a tear from his eye.

Sam closed his eyes and stood silent for a few seconds before whispering, "I love you."

Sam opened his eyes and felt Brooklyn's love in the room and all the love in his soul poured out in a monumental show of strength. He folded up his pages of notes and spoke...

"This is the hardest thing in the world I'll ever have to do," he said catching his breath, "no one ever expects to have to do this, but as sad as I am, as devastated as we all are I feel proud to speak of Brooklyn today."

"Because Brooklyn spread love and joy wherever she went. She was a good person, a kind person. What I love most about her is her consideration. She never did anything without thinking about how it impacted on others. She was my best friend throughout our formative years and my soul mate and confidant."

"These are words you shouldn't have to hear today. If you're here then you were going to be at our wedding next year and you would have heard a different speech. Much of the content would be the same but it would have been a speech filled with hope of a live lived together rather than a life lost."

"Brooklyn was an illustrator, a daughter, a friend, my lover and Louis' mother. She was a natural mother and you will have heard our precious boy say his first word today. Every time I look at him," Sam said smiling at his son, "I see Brooklyn. He was conceived out of love and his life will be filled with love."

"She pored her heart into everything she did. She was successful in her growing career because she cared. She didn't draw - she created images for children to love and remember forever. She was trustworthy and honest. She saw the best in people and created the best in me."

"I've shared a few stories about her over the last few days, about how we started dating and fell in love, our getting engaged. You will all have your private memories of her, you'll all remember her smile, her laughter. One of my favourite things to do with her was to shout out words and she'd instantly spell them out for me laughing. 'Pharmaceutical', 'onomatopoeia', 'prospicience'! I didn't understand half of them but she would rattle them off. I'd demand a kiss for everyone she started getting wrong, but then I stopped doing it when she started spelling them wrong on purpose. She was intelligent and funny. She forgave when she was cross and we never went to bed on a dispute."

"She opened her heart to me when we were at school. She was brave. She had a part time job working in a store the odd evenings. Ella, her best friend, told me she was saving for a new guitar for my birthday. I never saw that guitar. The Haiti earthquake hit and she donated all her savings to those poor families who had been devastated by that horrible event. Pleasing her boyfriend, or helping strangers in desperate need. That was her choice and I think I love her for this more than anything."

"I love you Brooklyn, and although I hope Louis and I live a long happy life, I'll also be counting the days before I can see you again in heaven."

Sam slowly walked away from the lectern, stood by the coffin and rested his hand on it. He kneeled and kissed it for the last time.

Goodbye Brooklyn.

'Til Death Do Us Part

For a few moments Sam was 'almost' normal. They were talking as though Brooklyn had just popped out to go to the supermarket and wasn't laid cold in the morgue.

Looking at Brooklyn's mother Sam replied, "I don't know. I want to say the moment I met her, but it's never that simple. I told you about my first proposal. I knew I loved sweet Brooklyn then, I've told you about when we found out about Louis and I genuinely didn't think it would be possible for any more love in my heart and then I found out I did." Sam looked fondly at Louis on his lap and kissed the top of his head.

"Before that Valentine's Day I might have confided that I 'loved' her, but that would have been my secret and I doubt I truly knew what it was. Love is giving yourself totally to someone else, that your whole life belongs to someone else and you have given it and received it freely and openly."

Sam smiled and thought of his fiancée. There were some things in his mind he couldn't share with the company. That they'd both waited until they'd left High School before taking their relationship to the most intimate of levels. Neither of them had even kissed another person and whilst there was a certain hesitancy and awkwardness, it was nevertheless gentle, loving and beautiful. The way they looked at each other, whispering, 'I love you', sharing smiles and kisses. Sam brought his knees a little closer together and the memory made him quiver a little and that ache, that sharp ache that she was gone came back. Sam doubted that their parents would be keen to hear about them losing their virginity but he did remember the first time he said the words, 'I love you'.

"It was spring and we were walking in Spenney Wood, just down by the brook. The sun was shining but we were wrapped up with coats and scarves. We were holding hands, our gloved fingers intertwined and I stood on a log blocking our path. Brooklyn stood on the log and we met face to face and our lips met. We jumped down and headed down to the old bridge and we picked up sticks and dropped them into the brook. They got stuck together in the flow of the water and I said, something like, 'they're stuck together, like us'. She made a joke about the troll under the bridge and I leaned back, the wood was rotten and the handrail broke. I slipped and nearly fell into the water. Brooklyn's hand reached out and grabbed me, pulling me back into her. We laughed and pressed together, wrapped our arms around each other."

"I love you."

"It was meant as a term of affection, endearment but as soon as I said the words I knew I 'really, really meant it'. And when she whispered into my ear, 'I love you too Samuel Hanson, and I always will' we knew it was true and if we didn't know before, we were in love."

Sam hoped the parents were not made uncomfortable by this. Sam loved Brooklyn, the person she was, the way she looked, the shape of her, her imperfections, her warmth, friendship. No matter how much he teased and flirted with her, the thing he loved most was her soul. Sam believed that was still there somewhere.

'Til Death Do Us Part

Sam thought the officer's confirmation that the monster who had killed Brooklyn was going to be caught was insincere. He guessed if there was a chance the person who did this was going to get caught they'd have already picked them up by now. In a small town the resources available were slight and Christmas brought about enough low level criminality and drunkenness he doubted Brooklyn's killer would be found. Not that Sam had any police experience to go off - he just felt that it was all so hopeless. It was just him and Louis now. However it was Autumn who, suffering as she was let a glimmer of hope enter the room.

Brooklyn's mother spoke in platitudes, clearly trying to make Sam and Patty feel better about themselves, talking about what a good Grandmother Patty was and how Brooklyn said....

It was at that specific moment he felt like the curtains had been opened and the dark, cold room let in the morning sunlight on a fresh winter's day. It was like he could see for the first time since Brooklyn left the house. Because it was true. What Autumn and Rick were saying weren't 'nice things to make things better' they were all true. Brooklyn loved Patty, loved Louis and loved Sam. Sam closed his eyes for a second and thought, 'you always loved me and I always loved you'. He opened his eyes and noticed the signs of Brooklyn all around, the photos, the books, the furnishings she'd chosen. Sam felt, that right now Brooklyn was with them in the room and that she always would be.

He smiled weakly at Mr. and Mrs. Jones, they were trying to help and deal with their pain at the same time but he appreciated them all the more.

"Pass Louie to me Rick," he said reaching out for the boy.

"I want him to hear this story."

As he sat Louis on his knee and settled him Sam thought of all the stories he would tell him about Mom. He thought that he definitely needed to write as much down as soon as possible so it would be preserved forever and Louis would always know about her.

"You know Rick, Autumn. I aspired us to be like you two and I think Brooklyn did also. We never talked about it but we wanted the perfect life and marriage and you were our role models. She was lucky to have you for parents and she rarely ever said a cross word about you guys. If I can be the father you were Rick, then I'll have done my job. And I know it, you have treated me almost like your own son for so long and I will never forget that."

Sam glanced over at his own mother. He didn't want her to feel any sadness about the disappearance of Dad. It was never her fault, never.

"So, I've always felt we had big shoes to fill, but I knew we'd try. And we did. Brooklyn was an amazing mother, the best. She was my best friend, my soul mate, my confidant. She made me better. I loved her, I mean, love her and I couldn't wait to walk down the aisle with her..."

Louis gurgled. He had sensed that the house wasn't right. 'Where is Mommy, what's Granny doing here, it's nice to see Grand Pops and Nanny' But Daddy was smiling again and he reached out his little hand, trying to put his fingers into Daddy's mouth.

"So, what you guys don't know is that I've actually proposed to Brooklyn more than once," Sam said, letting the thought rest.

"It was a long time ago. In fact we were still at school," he smiled. "We'd walked home from school one autumn afternoon. The last vestiges of summer were hanging on and the light shone on a sunny afternoon. The leaves were russet, turning brown and thinking about falling. We were holding hands, walking and..." Sam paused, looking a little disconcerted, "I thought at that moment that I wanted to die. It wasn't a sad feeling, it was a realisation that life would never, ever get any better than what it was at that moment in time."

Sam wiped a tear from his eye, but his smile was growing, "in many ways I was totally wrong. Life would get better - much better, but I didn't know it was possible to love another human being more than I loved Brooklyn at that moment. I walked her home, and I'm sure you knew, but we'd always kiss goodbye just behind that tree on the corner of your street. She didn't want you to see," Sam laughed.

Sam was thinking about those kisses. Some times sweet, some times gentle, some times so passionate he felt he would explode.

"That one night, I'd grabbed some chalk from my sister's. In retrospect it would have been better if I'd have got paint but then perhaps you may not have appreciated it. I left my home past midnight and walked over to your house. I chalked in big letters, in bright red in the road 'MARRY ME BROOKLYN'. I walked home. Actually, I skipped home to wait for her text - and answer in the morning."

Sam looked around the room, "It had been dry for weeks. In the early hours of that morning there was a massive thunderstorm and when Brooklyn looked out of her window that morning she would have seen nothing more than a rainy day. I was a little embarrassed by it, and I eventually told her. She said, 'next time you try that Sam, make it count and maybe you'll get the answer you want'. I knew, and she knew that I'd ask again one day."

"Now Louis, this is how you should propose if you're ever lucky enough to meet someone like Mom. Now and again, Daddy likes to play a little guitar, and I can't sing very well but I like to do my thing. There was an open mic night at the 'Horse' and we occasionally went together. Now and then I'd play. It was the day after we found out about you son, and everything happened so quick. I talked to Gerry, the owner and got a lot of friends in that night. What always makes me laugh is that I forgot to ask you Rick! I was mortified I hadn't done it right and I practically raced over to yours to ask your blessing. If you'd have said 'no', then I would have probably done it anyway!"

"That night, we'd had a few drinks and a bite to eat and Gerry got on stage and introduced me. I whispered, 'new song' to your Mom and got up. I had a little acoustic number which went something like,"

"Would you still love me if I had to go away?
I promise that I'd write to you, and tell you everything that you mean to me yeah
I'd think of you every single day, because you're the one for me"

"Would you still love me when we wake up in bed?
Would you still love me when I ran out of things to say?
When we're growing old, each passing day."

"And then Louis, I called out. 'Hey guys, can you help me out with this bit..."

"and I sang, 'Because if the answer's 'yes' then there's just one thing I want to say' and then pretty much half the bar sang along,

"Take me to the one I love,
because I can't live on my own,
Will you marry me? Miss Jones"

"and then I slung my guitar over my back, leaped down off the stage and tried to slide on my knees. It was meant to look slicker than it was but the intention was there. I held out my hand and Gerry put the ring box in my hand."

"'You've got to marry me after that' I said, and she just smiled, giggling and I knew I had it in the bag. Your Mom was going to be my wife."

Sam smiled and looked up at the ceiling, "you know guys. We weren't legally married but I consider her my wife and I will do forever."

It was tough telling the story but it felt good to say it. It felt good to share the good times and he loved putting the engagement ring on her finger.

'Til Death Do Us Part

Too. Much. Information.

Inside Sam's head was a maelstrom of emotions as his brain tried to compute the words the officer said into something meaningful he could process. She suffered. Precious, beautiful Brooklyn suffered and Sam had driven past her as she lay dying in a ditch. He could have saved her. If he had walked the distance to Ella's he would have found her. If had driven slower he would have found her. If he had thought the obvious, he would have found her.

Sam tried, he really tried but as he listened to the report he couldn't shake the thought that he could have saved his angel. She lay there, bloodied, battered, bludgeoned by the cruel metal of her vehicle and there she waited. Waited for help. Waited for Sam.

Sam sat on the sofa and put his head between his knees. He felt the arm of someone attempting to comfort him as the horror of what happened registered within his conscious.

He looked up at the officer, his eyes ringed red with lack of sleep and intermittent tears, "You're telling me that someone else did this?"

Sam stood as the realisation hit him, "you're telling me that someone hit her? Didn't stop? Didn't call you guys? THE FUCKER DIDN'T STOP?" he cried. Sam paced the room, delirious with the news. "You find him. You find the person who did this. You find him before me because I will kill him. I will put my hands around his throat and I will squeeze the life out of him."

Sam walked to the door to leave the room. He couldn't deal with this right now. As his hand touched the handle he turned around and walked to the officer.

"You will find the person who did this. You will find them," Sam said wanting desperately to prod him in the chest. "I want to see the monster who did this and bring him to justice. For Brooklyn."

Sam had a wide-eyed look. The overwhelming feeling right now was one of self-loathing with a side dish of revenge.

Music Appreciation Thread

Sleeping Silence - I've not read through this thread but are you into Igorrr?

If so, you are a person of impeccable taste and I salute you!

Today I have mostly been listening to The Smiths and they sound unbelievable still, 30 years after they recorded amazing music.

Sum up your week in roleplaying in just 3 words

Back in love

'Til Death Do Us Part

Sam walked into the living room and saw Brooklyn's parents there. His eyes flashed with anger momentarily as he saw Brooklyn's Dad pick up Louis. 'What the fuck is he doing picking Louis up' he raged inside. Sam didn't want anyone to pick Louis up - no one! His father's instinct to protect kicked in and he walked across the room. His pace slowed as common sense and rationality resumed briefly. Of course, Patty had picked up Louis and there was no reason why Rick and Autumn shouldn't.

"Hi, Autumn, hi Rick," he said as he walked over. Autumn was stood, arms outstretched a mournful look on her face.

"I'm so sorry," she said as Sam hugged her, and tears dropped onto her shoulder.

"I'm sorry to Autumn, I should have looked after her, I should have protected her," Sam sobbed.

He stood straight and tried to compose himself.

"Autumn, Rick, why has this happened? I can't believe she is not here."

Rick Jones kissed Louis and put him down on his mat and stood too. He opened his arms to and tried to wrap his arms around his wife and was-to-be future-son-in-law. Sam cried and they held each other silently.

"It's okay Sam, it's okay," said Rick. Sam had been a part of their life for such a long time and although he wasn't blood he did consider him almost like a son. The boy had needed a Father Figure more than most. He certainly loved him like a son and knew he and Brooklyn were good for each other. They'd gone through 'Dad handshake' (Brooklyn didn't believe Sam when he said her Dad had tried to break his hand when it was announced they were formally dating). They'd gone through that wary look when boys were turning into men, all gangly 'monkey arms', awkward and full of hormones. Rick had watched Sam become a man, a provider and a solid rock in his precious daughter's life. Rick always felt embarrassed when he recalled Brooklyn announcing her pregnancy and the first thing he did was ruffle Sam's hair and said 'well done' to him.

"She's in heaven now," whispered Autumn, "she's watching us now. I know it," she said.

Sam wanted to believe it, wanted it so much. Over the last day there were seconds he was sure she was there with them, other times he had never felt so alone in his life. Finding hope was seemingly impossible.

"Remember her Sam, remember..." Autumn said softly...

---

Sam was besotted with Brooklyn. He found any excuse to hang out with her. She'd pop round to his house and they'd be in his bedroom and he'd try and play guitar for her. He'd sing light heartedly and smile with her. She had the sweetest smile as she tolerated him. He got on with Ella of course and they were a threesome in many respects but it was Brooklyn who he wanted to be around. To be fifteen. He knew that he loved Ella and was beginning to feel that she was the one. She sat on a beanbag in his room, her knees tucked up tightly to her chest as she wrapped her arms around her legs. He tried not to notice the curve of her legs in her jeans, the subtle changes in her hips as he sang.

They still hugged - as friends of course, but Sam often felt uncomfortable at their platonic friendship. 'What would happen if she knew? What would happen if she felt the same way? What if? What if?' Now and then they sat together and she rested her head on his shoulder or they put their arms around each other. 'What if? What if?'

Of course, school could be tough. He was quiet and a little sensitive, especially when Dad shot through. A couple of the other guys called him 'fag' and he knew having girls as best friends caused him a lot of trouble. It was Valentine's Day. Since they'd become friends they often claimed they were each other's Valentine but of course that was just kids playing. Brooklyn didn't know that he was serious when he said it back.

He opened his locker in the school hall and out fell a card. It was a drawing with a heart with an arrow through it with Sam and Brooklyn's name written over it in cursive text. Sam opened up the card and his first thought was 'the bastards'. He was sure it was a practical joke. He read the words again and again. 'They're fucking with me,' he thought before a sudden realisation dawned on him...

Like Archimedes descending into the bath and crying 'Eureka!' Sam's eyes widened. It was Brooklyn's writing. She felt the same way. She had said everything he could ever have dreamed of. So much time wasted! So much time lost! If only he had said something, weeks, months ago! She said, 'I love you!'

'And I love you too!' thought Sam as he clutched the card in his hand like it was the most precious thing in the world. He walked to class and saw Ella and Brooklyn chatting. Brooklyn looked worried about something and then she saw him. She looked afraid and nervous and her eyes cast down to the card in his eyes. Sam walked straight up to Brooklyn - his body millimetres away from her. There was almost friction between their clothes they were so close. He looked in her eyes as her eager upturned face displayed that recognition too. Without a word he tentatively kissed her, their lips cautious together. He'd never kissed a girl before and he was worried he wouldn't know what to do. His fingers slipped into hers. It felt suddenly different from the times they'd held hands before. Their lips parted slowly and their smiles beamed at each other.

"Get a room!" said Ella sarcastically, although her face betrayed her joy at the two of them FINALLY getting together.

---

"She's gone, and it's not going to be alright..." said Sam his heart broken as he remembered Brooklyn as a girl, before she became the amazing woman she would be.

"I'm sorry Autumn, Rick. Your baby, your baby!"

Patty discreetly entered the room. She had made tea for everyone. She hugged Autumn and Rick and expressed her condolences. Brooklyn's Dad just seemed to speak in platitudes and Sam wasn't sure he believed a word of it as he sat back and listened. It was horrible, everyone dealing with their private grief, everyone trying to support each other.

The morning was shaken out of it's sadness by a knock at the door. Sam went to answer and there was the cop who interviewed him yesterday.

"Sam - there's something we need to tell you about the accident."

'Til Death Do Us Part

"Sam, what are you doing on the floor?" Patty spoke softly, yet with an underlying sadness to her voice.

"Come on son, up you come. Come and sort yourself out," she implored gently.

Louis was awake looking quizzically at his feet as he kicked them out in the air in direct angles above him. He gurgled occasionally, as though he found some private joke both fascinating and hilarious at the same time.

Meanwhile, Sam laid on the floor, wrapped in the green sofa throw that was his makeshift blanket for the time being. He was cocooned into a tight ball, laid on his side staring at his son in his crib. Sam's eyes and face were devoid of attention and emotion. He felt vacant and empty. Desolate. He watched Louis kick and gurgle and wondered if he had realised he had been over a day without Mom. Mom who was always present at home with him. A thought passed Sam's mind that at least Louis would be too young to remember any of this, even when he notices his poor mother wasn't there any more that it would pass. Sam closed his eyes silently and felt a shudder of sadness. He would never know his Mom and in some ways that was worse. Sam knew that for as long as he lived he would ensure Louis knew everything about his mother. Sam wished they had taken more photographs. He resolved immediately to have printed and backed up every single photo he had taken on his phone. He wished he had taken photos of her every day and made a mental note to ask Mr. and Mrs. Jones for photographs of her when she was little so Louis would have as much as possible of Brooklyn's short, beautiful life.

"SHIT!" said Sam, standing up abruptly and pacing the small bedroom up and down, "oh shit, oh shit, fuck!" he said wearily. Sam looked at his own mother in the room. He'd heard her words but couldn't process them when he was on the floor. That she had been trying to get him to rouse himself from his melancholy.

"Oh god, what have I done? I am such a fucking awful man. Bad man, bad man," he cried.

"What is it son, what is it?" pleaded Patty.

"Brooklyn's folks. Her poor parents. I didn't speak to them yesterday at all. They're sure to have heard of the crash but they won't know who. What if they don't know? They don't know their sweet child is dead."

Sam put his hand over his face, losing himself. Another horrible day to face.

"It's okay Sam, it's okay. Ella spoke to them yesterday and they called here whilst you were at the station. They wanted to come round but I told them I'd call them back. When you got home yesterday you were such a mess. I can't let anyone near you if I can help it. You need to reach for your own oxygen first son. I..."

"You had no right to do that Mom!" cried Sam, "they will be devastated and think I don't care. They'll think I did it, just like the police do!"

"Now, quiet that crazy talk Sam..." interrupted Patty before Sam interjected.

"I'm going around this morning Mom. I need to see them. They need to see Louis."

"Not that you're not," Patty said firmly. "You're not driving and you need to wash and put some clean clothes on. I know this is tough son, but I'm going to help you every step of the way."

Sam picked his son out of his crib and walked past him mom, "Louis needs his breakfast," he said sourly.

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Patty walked into the living room where Sam was feeding Louis. "I'm sorry Sam. I don't want us to fall out and I know you're hurting like you've never hurt before. I want to protect you and help you, I really do but I don't know how..."

"I'll call Brooklyn's folks and ask them to come around. I'm sorry I put them off I really am."

Patty left the room and Sam could hear her talking on the phone. He knew she meant well and he knew she acted out of love for him. He looked at Louis and the thought passed his mind about how he would feel if he was dead. The thought felt like a hot knife through him as if he thought the very idea was sending him to hell. His own baby, what kind of a man thought that shit?

Sam forced himself to change and dress Louis and held the boy tight. He kissed him as Patty returned and told him that Brooklyn's parents would be calling that morning. Whilst Patty watched Louis Sam walked into the bathroom and stared in the mirror. He looked like garbage. Black rings dragged his eyes down, he hadn't shaved since two mornings ago. Not being the most hirsute man his facial hair now looked untidy. His hair was ruffled and untidy. His eyes were red rimmed and his cheeks sticky with the tears that had fallen. No matter how much he had cried and thought there couldn't possibly be a single tear left in him there was always a torrent more at the mere thought of Brooklyn.

Sam was still wearing the same clothes he had been wearing on that fateful night, same sweater, same t-shirt, same jeans, same socks, same underwear. He lifted his shirt off and smelled himself. He stank. "I stink of the end of life" he said into the mirror. He threw his shirt and sweater into the corner of the bathroom and looked at himself with self-loathing. He hadn't washed, shaved or brushed his teeth for a few days. "I've been looking after Louis like this," he said into the mirror, "you're a fucking disgrace," he said quietly.

Sam washed his face and then shaved mechanically. He looked in the mirror and almost immediately could see a transformation. He brushed his teeth and swilled his mouth with mouthwash letting the minty, chemical fluid roll around his mouth. Sam turned on the shower and let it warm up before stripping and stepping in. He let the hot water flow over him and clean him, to try and wash away some of the pain, some of the sadness. Images of Brooklyn came to the forefront of his mind. Her smile and her laugh. Her playful punches on his arm. Her smile, her smile, her smile....

Sam looked down at his naked body and felt so useless, as though his very manhood had disappeared because he couldn't save the one he loved. He rested his head against the wall of the shower unit and shut his eyes, letting the water flow over him.

Time passed. Sam couldn't tell whether it was minutes or hours or even seconds but he opened his eyes. Sam turned off the shower, slowly noticing the shower head spraying jets to streams to trickles to drops of water. He left the shower and got himself dry and walked into his bedroom. He looked around and his heart dropped again. Brooklyn's things were everywhere. Her hairbrush, her nail file. Shoes left in the corner of the room. Her jewellery box. She was everywhere. Sam walked to his wardrobe and opened it to get dressed. He looked at Brooklyn's drawers and wardrobe. 'Not now, not now, not now' he thought. Being those doors was fear. Something to be terrified of. All her possessions. Sam knew he couldn't open those foreboding pieces of furniture without breaking down. 'Not today Sam' he thought.

Dressed Sam lay on his bed for a moment, wondering what the hell he was going to do with the rest of his life. He turned and stared at Brooklyn's side by the window. More than anything he wanted to reach out and hold her. To kiss her just one more time. To value just one more day. "I love you so much," he said before turning onto Brooklyn's side of the bed and burying his face into her pillow, smelling the residual scent of her hair and cologne.

Sam heard a knock at the door. "Are you okay Sam?" asked Patty. "Brooklyn's folks will be here soon."