clanjos

Legend of Zelda: Chains of Fate RP

"Oh, sack the hell up you bitches." Dingle said, returning the pearls to the mysterious trouserspace that was the hallmark of the Tingle lineage. It seemed the message of the pearls hadn't hurt her as much as the others, given that she was taking a bottle out and giving it to Boom. A horrendous mush of insect parts and raw meat, the healing properties of the drug could not be denied.

"Oh, you poor little thing. You feeling okay? Here, have some Ting."

I Am a Superhero! - Watashi wa sūpāhīrōdesu! - 私はスーパーヒーローです！(Anime Superhero RP)

Taking an inkwell from his bag, Pterrordactyl dipped one of his talons in before making out the autograph.

To Super Cosmos: Always follow your dreams, and don't let anyone keep you down. -Pterrordactyl

"Oh, geez... I'm not actually sure I can get you an appointment with Mr. Spandez during the show, but... eeeeh, I can't say no to a fan! I can at least get you into the audience."

Holding out his hand to the alien with a smile, he hit the button on his locator device, phasing out of existence and into the decontamination room on the...

---

Video Star

Pterrordactyl grumbled as the decontamination room started its work. Sure, it was understandable- he didn't want an advantage in a hypothetical challenge because of strange microbes that the native immune systems weren't prepared for- but that didn't make it pleasant. A few moments later, he was heading back to the stage, a few of the Unpaid Faceless Interns showing Super Cosmos to the audience, chanting "Newdur" as they went.

Spandez shook his head, shrugging with an understanding sigh. He looked over to two full meters, and the bonus meter.

"That's right folks, Pterrordactyl put on a good show, but he didn't get a lightning round before coming back. Anything to say to the folks at home?"

Pterrordactyl sighed, rubbing the back of his head.

"Well... sorry to my fans. I just couldn't quite get there this year. But tonight, I'm going to give you a show that'll more than make up for not getting the lightning round!"

Putting a hand around Pterrordactyl's shoulder, Spandez walked him to center stage.

"Well, Pterrordactyl, That's not quite true. I've got a surprise..."

The two screens on either side showed a feed from the hidden cameras, showing children STILL crying... and a few crying tears of relief now that Pterrordactyl was gone. The voluptuous humanoid wheeled out another meter, draping herself over it to show it was just barely ticking past a picture of a thumbs-up. The crowd roared in joy, holding up the "WE LOVE YOU PTERRORDACTYL" signs.

"Pterrordactyl, I'm pleased to say- with tears of fear, pain, sorrow, and now relief, you've made enough children cry... FOR YOUR VERY! FIRST! LIIIIIIIIGHTNIIIIIIING ROUND!"

Newdurs began backflipping onto the stage, forming a human pyramid... which was promptly shot by lightning, leaving a single Newdur to flex as the words "LIGHTNING ROUND" flashed on the screen in various languages. The curtain drew back, revealing a wall with three doors as Pterrordactyl looked around, tears of joy in his eyes. Spandez walked the pterosaur up to the doors.

"That's right! For the first time ever, Pterrordactyl's getting to see what's behind the doors! As always, there's going to be one of three things behind these doors. Our contestant picks one, and then we see what's behind another of the doors. He'll get the choice to switch to the other unopened door, or stick with his choice. Now, Pterrordactyl, which door do you pick?"

"I'm... I'm going to go with Door #3, Spandez!"

"You heard the man, he picked #3, so let's see what's behind door #1!"

Slowly, the door opened, revealing two strange, horned creatures with rectangular pupils.

"Oh, it's a two for one deal on terror! These little guys'll eat you out of house, home, and planet! That's right folks, it's our old standby the Thrallaxian World Eaters! These little monsters give new meaning to the word 'Omnivore,' able to digest literally anything. Pterrordactyl, that leaves you with two possibilities- goods that can help you win in the lightning round tonight, or a fabulous prize! You going to stick with Door #3?"

"Hm... no, no I think I'll switch! Door #2!"

"Alrighty then, boys! Door #3 has... A Badurong stationary set! This set comes with a pack old-fashioned reed-based paper, four custom-engraved fountain pens, and a desk made of wood from Melkion 3! Which means behind door #2 is..."

The final door swung open, revealing a box.

"Now remember folks, we don't know Pterrordactyl's strategy just yet. So we've given him a gift certificate that can be spent at various Badurong establishments to buy whatever he thinks he'll need to rack up even more tears tonight. Tune in later today to find out if Pterrordactyl's going to be able to win even more..."

"BIG MONEY! BIG PRIZES!"

"IIIIIIIIIIII LOVE IT! THIS IS THE SPANDEZ CONQUEST HOUR, AND I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO TONIGHT'S GAME AS MUCH AS YOU ARE! SEE YOU LATER, FOLKS!"

Waving to the crowd, Spandez headed backstage... where he was promptly beset by Newdurs and various aliens. Taking the thermos of coffee and downing it in one go, he shook his head. That PSA hadn't gone right. It was supposed to hit an unoccupied spot in the ocean. But the projectile hadn't been balanced right. He headed into his office, stretching and putting his feet up on the ottoman he kept under the desk. This was going to be a long day. He began going through the list of things he'd have to do today. Call up the locals to apologize and explain about the railgun misfire. Decide on which contestant would be sent down next. Figure out a more severe punishment than the comically oversized deep frier for Loot and Pillage.

Sometimes, it was hard being the Lord of Bloodsport.

I Am a Superhero! - Watashi wa sūpāhīrōdesu! - 私はスーパーヒーローです！(Anime Superhero RP)

A judge, curly wig and all, sat on a podium. He was a stereotypical Grey alien, clutching his gavel. He turned to the Jury, a spectrum of bizarre aliens that conferred before the judge brought the court to order. A cereal box with alien writing on it sat in the defendant's chair.

"In the case of The People vs. Crookleberries Cereal, how does the jury rule on the first count: containing all the vitamins and minerals necessary for a balanced breakfast?"

"The jury finds the defendant Guilty."

"And on the second count, containing nutritious whole-grains, four scoops of delicious Crookleberries, and a fun prize in every box?"

"Guilty."

"And on the third, and final, count, refusing to get soggy in milk?"

"Guilty, your honor."

"On all counts, the jury finds the defendant guilty. The sentence is death."

As the Judge brought down his gavel, there was a smash cut to the box of cereal in an old-fashioned electric chair. The security guards threw a switch, and a bright glow accompanied the sound of electricity as the camera panned to the judge, a priest, and a security guard enjoying a bowl of cereal. Another cut showed the cereal box, burnt and blackened, next to a tall glass of a flourescent green liquid and a bowl of reddish milk filled with flakes and sizeable dried berries. The judge turned to the camera.

"Crookleberries Cereal. So tasty, it's almost a crime."

The three shared a hearty laugh as they enjoyed their cereal.

Warning: on some planets, consumption of Crookleberries actually is a crime. Viewing this commercial waives any legal right to sue Badurong Agricultural or its affiliates for litigation resulting from illicit consumption of Crookleberries.

---

"IN DARK COLD OF SPACE, MANY GIVE UP HOPE OF JUSTICE! BUT WE AM BE FIGHT FOR YOU!"

A ten-foot-tall toad-like creature in a well-made suit sat in a study, the heads of various sentient aliens and a number of swords, axes, and pulse cannons mounted on the wall.

"HELLO! ME AM GRELTHAX, LAW-WARRIOR OF PLANET GROK. GROK PRACTICE TRIAL BY COMBAT, BUT JUST BECAUSE WE AM STRONG DOES NOT MEAN WE AM UNPREPARE TO FIGHT FOR YOU IN REGULAR TRIAL!"

With a large squelch, a pustule on the back of Grelthax's neck burst, and a palm-sized version stood shakily on his hand.

"GRELTHAX AND SPAWN AM PART OF RACE WITH GENETIC MEMORY. JUST AS GRELTHAX PASS BAR EXAM AND HAVE THIRTY YEAR AND COUNTING LEGAL EXPERIENCE, SO DO ASEXUALLY PRODUCED SPAWN OF GRELTHAX! WHEN GRELTHAX CREATE SPAWN, IT HAVE FULL EXTENT OF GRELTHAX'S LEGAL EXPERIENCE- READY TO WORK FOR YOU!"

"GRELTHAX AND SPAWN LAW FIRM! WE FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT! CALL NOW!"

---

"Ve really messed up dis time, eh Loot?"

"Aye, Pillage. This be why ye should always correct yer calculations."

"Just imagine! Ve could have hit something that could actually hurt someone!"

The two hung by chains wrapped around their ankles over a vat of boiling oil. A Newdur, a faceless lump of flesh with lanky arms and legs, proceeded to press a button and watch. As the two were lowered into the deep fryer, a graphic for the Conquest Hour appeared, and the camera cut back to the studio.

---

Video Star

"AAAAAAND WE'RE BACK! It looks like Pterrordactyl's been busy! These meters are just flying, but it looks like he's finishing up at the school! You just know he's got something in store if he's letting them calm down like this. For now, let's wait for him to come back!"

---

Bright Academy

Pterrordactyl gave a satisfied sigh, kicking a cell phone out of a teacher's hands as he whistled, walking away the KO'd gym teacher and up to Yuki. He picked her up by her shirt and stared into her terror-filled eyes.

"A city full of heroes, Yuki! And none of them cared. Your police certainly didn't. And by the way, the stuff happening with your parents? It's your fault. See you later, little Yuki-chan."

With that, he threw the little girl into the fish tank, cackling as he took off and uttered a prehistoric shriek.

"PTEEEEEEERRRRRROOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRDAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCTTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"

Afterward, he chuckled, smiling to the fellow alien, taking a picture of himself from his bag.

"Oh, sure, always nice to meet a fan. I'm in the middle of the game right now, but I'll be picking it up again later. Can I ask who I'm making this out to?"

I Am a Superhero! - Watashi wa sūpāhīrōdesu! - 私はスーパーヒーローです！(Anime Superhero RP)

It absolutely isn't, Lmpkio.

I Am a Superhero! - Watashi wa sūpāhīrōdesu! - 私はスーパーヒーローです！(Anime Superhero RP)

@Xenonia

Speak for yourself.

I Am a Superhero! - Watashi wa sūpāhīrōdesu! - 私はスーパーヒーローです！(Anime Superhero RP)

Honestly, @The_written_John, I only went for damaging the building because I figured it was just kind of a cubicle farm- nothing really valuable in there, and easily replacable- if costly. Originally I was just going to have it trash the parking deck, but I figured a corporation that big would just shrug that off instantly.

I Am a Superhero! - Watashi wa sūpāhīrōdesu! - 私はスーパーヒーローです！(Anime Superhero RP)

@The_written_John
Because Spandez has NO reason to neutralize a wealthy corporation that could go on to found Sentai teams as has happened on so many other worlds. But okay, I'll edit.

I Am a Superhero! - Watashi wa sūpāhīrōdesu! - 私はスーパーヒーローです！(Anime Superhero RP)

@The_written_John
See, that raises a question. Spandez isn't exactly a card-carrying dog-kicking villain. He gets actual sustenance from making people want to kill something, including himself. Additionally, you're a villain with mind-control parasites- something that tends to get in the way of the season. It is in his best interest to tie up your resources rebuilding rather than to let you go about your life. What reason does he have to leave ANYTHING belonging to Alexander standing?

In fact, you're lucky he didn't have his mooks use ACTUAL railgun ordinance in that scripted sequence. He was more interested making it look sitcommy than actually effective. Slave to the ratings and all that.

I Am a Superhero! - Watashi wa sūpāhīrōdesu! - 私はスーパーヒーローです！(Anime Superhero RP)

Video Star

On board the Video Star, Badurong's most important broadcasting center/TV Studio/Spaceship, it was garbage day. This meant Spandez's two most trusted lieutenants, Loot (a monster that seemed to be equal parts "Pirate" and "Chainsaw") and Pillage (one that was equal parts "Viking" and "Zippo"), were hard at work trying to figure out the best way to lighten their load. As usual, it was to tightly pack the ship's waste into a series of iron garbage cans and fire them through the ship's railgun. It got the boss of their back, got the ship smelling better, and required minimum effort.

"Avast, thar, Pillage, I find that I be thinkin' 'bout somethin'."

"Und hwhat would that be, bruder Loot?"

"Ya ever feel like... yer bein' watched?"

"Hwell, hwe are on der television. Have our own segment on the show!"

"Oh yar. That'd explain it."

Loot began fiddling with the targeting, pointing the crosshairs straight at the nearby sun. An easy way to dispose of garbage, environmentally friendly (provided there wasn't any Solar Fuel in the trash, but that wasn't likely), and low-effort.

"What's th' planet's gravitational constant again? We should probably account fer that before firin' th' railgun."

"...Crap, Loot, that's the byoss! Foorget about der corrections and fire!"

Fearing the lashing (either from his tongue or from his microphone-whip) Spandez might give them for taking so long, Loot slammed the "fire" command on the console. With the loud spinup and electric whine of a magnetic pulse, the garbage cans were launched, caught by the Earth's gravity well almost instantly. Spandez nodded approvingly as he approached, noting their clever use of the railgun. He took a sip of his coffee for the commercial break, waving as he headed back to the studio.

"Very nice, boys. Working smarter AND harder. You guys remembered to correct for gravity, right?

Loot and Pillage looked at each other before responding in unison.

"Aye."
"Ja."

---

Neo-Tokyo. Population: Spandez does not care. Primary exports: Spandez also does not care.

Miles above in the atmosphere, however, glowing red embers of molten iron and partially-combusted garbage streaked down with the force of a large ballistic missile. Accelerated by the sort of gravitic assist from the moon and earth that other civilizations reserved for intergalactic travel, the molten blobs rained down on a parking lot next to a large white building. As the superheated garbage melted the cars there to slag, a mostly-intact garbage can fell, impacting with the force of a bunker buster on the center of the building. Where once had stood the Neo-Tokyo Stock Exchange, now sat a molten crater full of broken concrete and the tattered remains of the people that once worked and traded there. The rubble and twisted metal husks of cars rained down all over the streets as people screamed and ran from the destruction.

---

"Oh, you!" Spandez said with a fatherly laugh as he clapped his lieutenants on the shoulder. These sitcom antics served as a sort of bumper for the show. The laugh track played, as the studio audience wasn't present for it.

"Remember folks, gravity is in important factor in the travel of anything in space- whether it's a vessel carrying a warm snuggly sweater grandma's sending you through the mail, or it's a standard garbage shoot! If you mess up the gravitational constant, it can lead to a lot of trouble for someone down the road- I mean, just look at that- they went and destroyed a place central to the Japanese economy! So don't be like Loot and Pillage. Be careful, and always double-check your calculations!"

The Spandez Conquest Hour is brought to you by...

---

"SEVEN CYCLES! SEVEN CYCLES! SEVEN CYCLES! THAT'S HOW LONG YOU HAVE UNTIL THE NEXT BROADCAST FROM RODTHORG'S X-TREME SPORTS X-TREMATORIUM BLOWS YOUR PUNY INSIGNIFICANT MINDS! THAT'S RIGHT, THE UNIVERSE'S GREATEST DISPLAY OF MARTIAL ARTS RIGHT FUCKING HERE! WE'VE GOT CRUSHINATOR CLASS FIGHTERS! WE'VE GOT WIZARDS! WE'VE GOT THE LIZARDMEN FROM THE TENTH DIMENSION, HERE TO FINALLY SETTLE THE SCORE WITH THE SERPENT MEN OF DIMENSION X! TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE NOW FOR FIFTY CREDITS FROM THE BADURONG SPORTS COUNCIL! I CAN'T STOP SHOOOOOUUUUTTIIIIIIIIING! CALL A HOSPITAAAAAAAL!"

---

White words faded across the screen, intercut with shots of a typical child's room. The difference, of course, being the large nest in place of the bed.

You've seen him on the Conquest Hour.

You've seen how he's touched our lives, and the lives of billions.

But have you seen... where he came from?

Emotional music swelled up as two pterodactyl-like humanoids stood in a kitchen, fighting. With a backpack and loincloth, a little one made his way to the door. As he reached up to the knob, he looked out to a world of infinite possibilities with the sunrise and the clear, blue skies overhead. The male pterosaur came forward, taking off his belt and shoving the female to the wall.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING, YOU LITTLE SHIT!?"

Coming to theaters this winter...

The little boy ran out, tears in his eyes. He began sobbing after the male shouted after him from the doorstep, but never stopped running.

"YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! YOU'RE NOTHING, YOU HEAR ME?!"

The screen went to black and the music cut out. One last white message appeared, read aloud in a soft voice.

Stand By Me, Pterrordactyl.

I Am a Superhero! - Watashi wa sūpāhīrōdesu! - 私はスーパーヒーローです！(Anime Superhero RP)

THERE'S your Pterrordactyl goodness.