Avatar of El Taco Taco
  • Last Seen: 28 days ago
  • Old Guild Username: El Taco Taco
  • Joined: 12 yrs ago
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    1. El Taco Taco 12 yrs ago
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Recent Statuses

8 yrs ago
Current 'I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it "sir" because it would be the dominant species on the planet.'
7 likes
8 yrs ago
'There is no word in the English language for the feeling someone gets when they suddenly realize they're standing next to an unholy monster impersonating a human. Monstralization, maybe?'
2 likes
8 yrs ago
'If Zoey Ashe had known she was being stalked by a man who intended to kill her and then slowly eat her bones, she would've worried more about that and less about getting her cat off the roof.'
1 like
9 yrs ago
"And watch out for Molly. See if she does anything unusual. There’s something I don’t trust about the way she exploded and then came back from the dead like that."
7 likes
9 yrs ago
"We're talking about a tentacled flying lamp fucker, Dave. What are you prepared to call unlikely?"
2 likes

Bio


"OK, I've just about had my FILL of riddle-asking, quest-assigning, insult-throwing, pun-hurling, hostage-taking, iron-mongering, smart-arsed fools, freaks, and felons that continually test my will, mettle, strength, intelligence, and most of all, patience! If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR?!" - CHARNAME, Baldur's Gate


Most Recent Posts

He assured her the train ride would fly by—Sadie could only hope it would. She’d never been particularly patient, and she’d wanted to go to Hogwarts for so long. Brennan never answered enough of her questions and he had refused to show her even just a hint of magic (“It’s against the law, blah blah blah, I’m a total jerk”). She knew next to nothing about it. It was a magical school, Brennan played some sort of game on broomsticks and was in a house called Gryffindor and apparently a ghost taught one of his classes. He’d always been rubbish at writing home and his letters never went into much detail. Mum and dad said he was going through a phase and simply needed space. Sadie thought he was just being a selfish prat.

“I hope so,” she tore her gaze from the green farmland rolling by, resolving to be a little less anxious. Everything would work out. She would make it work out. Sadie had always been determined, and Hogwarts had been so dear a dream for so long, she couldn’t bear the thought of it not living up to her expectations.

George was explaining the sweets and Sadie was trying not to get too excited, which was a doomed effort. Candy wands? How would that even work? Sadie’s curiosity burned, gears beginning to whiz in her brain. She’d read the brief section on crafting in The Standard Book of Spells, Grade One which stated that, beyond simple tricks, true item enchantment was all but lost. Only the Goblins still knew how to create wondrous things, a secret they jealously guarded. Sadie hadn’t finished the section on Goblin Crafting in her copy of A History of Magic, as her mum had to physically confiscate her textbooks so she would do her chores. Mum had kept her busy with the chickens and the cows for the remaining week of summer holiday, insisting that she would have plenty of time with her books at school.

“They just explode? That’s perfect. Prepare to lose!” she laughed, folding her legs up on her seat. Sadie got comfortable, pulling her red hair to one side and absently fiddling with the ends. “So did you grow up with all this, then?”
He was awfully quiet. Sadie didn’t quite know what to make of that. Mum had bemoaned her inability to keep her voice down a thousand times this past summer. ”You’ve been screaming since you were born, Sadie, please give it a rest,” was a popular complaint of Brennan’s. She didn’t mean to be so loud, honest, but something about quiet made her deeply uncomfortable. Sadie resolved not to worry about it, her excitement for Hogwarts swiftly overwhelming any other thoughts.

“SIX HOURS,” she hadn’t meant to shout, but the thought was horrifying. She’d already waited years for this! Now she had to sit through a six hour train ride? Couldn’t magic speed things up? Sadie had been reading her textbooks for weeks, and a little extra speed seemed perfectly within the realm of possibility! Of course, perhaps it was a safety thing, but she’d nicked her brother’s spellbooks and they had things like shield charms in them—Sadie finally remembered that shouting was rude. She winced. “Sorry. Just… that’s like, a million years.”

A beat of silence passed. Sadie tried not to fidget. The landscape blurred past, turning into rolling countryside. Somewhere out there, in a tiny little village that smelled of cows and cheese, her little dog would be waiting for mum and dad to come back home. That life felt a thousand miles away, almost unreal compared to the train. It was curious.

George offered her a sweet. Sadie blinked intelligently. A jelly bean? She was about to ask what was so scary about jelly beans when he mentioned vomit. Curiosity lit up her hazel eyes as she connected the dots.

“So, they’re weird… on purpose? Huh.” Sadie considered that for a moment, and waited as he tried one. A wild grin spread across her face as he mentioned toothpaste. “I have got to try this.”

She tipped out a bean, brown and shiny, popping it into her mouth enthusiastically. It took a moment for her to place the lemony flavor. She laughed brightly, even as she resisted the urge to spit it out. That was impressively disgusting. How had Brennan not shared these with her before? What a git!

“Wood Varnish.” She turned the box over in hand, examining the packaging. It looked unlike anything she’d ever seen before. “’Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans’. That is really the most accurate name for anything in the history of the world.”

She replaced the box neatly, impressed she hadn’t spilled it. His next offer made her eyebrows elevate and her grin grow wider. ‘Exploding’ was such a dangerous description, especially when it came to Sadie, but it was awfully exciting.

“Mum says I’m not to explode anything,” she admitted with a laugh, swinging her legs as her excitement built. Sadie had always been rather… competitive. “But I’m the reigning Queen of snap back home, and I will defend my title at all costs. How does the exploding part work? Is it like normal, non-blow-uppy snap?”
Ooohh, I like it! Sounds good.

I'm going to cuddle my dogs for a bit then I'll poop out a post. Thanks for being patient!
The Candidates fell in behind her swiftly. Olivia eyed them for a moment—they all had the look. She didn’t know exactly what the criteria for candidacy was, but the good Captain had called it grit. You needed more than brains and brawns to do this, he had told her one night over chow. You needed an almost suicidal drive to run straight at those fucking bastards and punch them straight in the face. She made a sound, almost approving, and turned smartly on heel. The halls were familiar to her now, and she was so lost in routine that she almost missed the call of her name.

“Olivi—Lieutenant Murphy! Hold up!”

Her brow furrowed as she caught sight of a familiar, lanky redhead. His lab coat was covered in grease and a look in his eyes so manic she thought he might explode. He squeezed past a group of workers, half running to catch up with the group. She hadn’t seen Darren this excited since he’d bumbled through his vows nearly nine months ago. He’d grown a terrible, patchy beard and his skin had become clammy. Somehow his freckles seemed dimmer, drowned out by all the grey. Olivia let him catch his breath.

“Hello again, candidates,” he greeted, “Sorry to keep you up all night with tests. Lieutenant,” he addressed her so formally it almost stung. Olivia accepted the large folder he offered her. “Room assignments and, ah, a bit of light reading.”

“Thanks, Harrigan.” She flipped it open briefly. As promised, room assignments, and—her stomach went cold. Photographs. Letters. What looked like a will, legalese and a detailed list beneath her name. She hadn’t even thought of this. They had buried John and she’d thought everything settled. Upon reflection, that was silly. Paperwork didn’t care if the world was ending. Estates still had to be managed. It had probably taken this long because the world was ending. Lawyers were probably making a fortune off all the dead. She snapped the folder shut with a sharp inhale, trying to ignore the way his face had burned into her mind. Darren looked grim. She’d thought he was keeping it together, whenever she caught glimpses of him during candidacy testing, but he looked as dead as she felt. Olivia tried not to indulge that thought. “You look like shit, man. Get some sleep.”

He barked a laugh at that, almost half-crazed. Olivia’s frown deepened.

“Trust me, there’s no time for that. We’re all on double shifts to get ready for tomorrow. You’ll love it. Actually, you’ll hate it, but it’ll be fun to watch.”

Amazingly, he didn’t seem worried—nervous, excited energy rolled off him in waves, and though he looked ready to collapse he appeared hopeful. Had they had a breakthrough? Olivia didn’t want to believe it, but shit, he looked ready to crap rainbows and puke puppies. Her nose scrunched. Darren looked entirely too gleeful. Maybe he’d cracked. Or maybe, just maybe, they’d fixed the damn thing. Maybe this would work. She could almost believe it. Shit, maybe she did want to believe it. Not dying sounded good to her.

“Lovely. Don’t have too much fun,” she shifted the room assignments out of the folder, avoiding looking at her brother’s face. The Pan Pacific Defence Corpse gleamed up at her with a whole host of names, half of which she couldn’t pronounce. Awesome.

“Always do. Take care, candidates,” he waved, departing at a run. He’d probably get his ass chewed for leaving his shop, but she appreciated the delivery. It was good to see him again. Her knuckles went white around the folder. John would have kicked her ass for letting herself get so defeated. He’d never give up hope. Olivia hooked her dark bangs behind her ear. She needed to get her shit together.

“Right,” it was easy to slip back into the professionalism expected of a Navy Lieutenant. It gave her strength, something to find meaning in. She was here not only for John, but her countrymen. For the world. They had to fucking kill these bastards. Her gut tightened at the thought. “You’ve seen the medical bay by now, so we won’t waste time on our tour there. You’ll get real familiar with it during your stay. We’ll stop by the mess quick; we’re in Dining Group Alpha, so meal times are 0700, 1300, and 2000. Get there early or go hungry.”

She gestured for the group to follow, rattling off advice and information. The mess hall was busy as ever, putting the carrier mess to shame. How they fed nearly thirty thousand people every day, Olivia would never know. It was fucking impressive, even if the food was worse than Navy crap. The halls were noticeably less busy as they made the long walk to the barracks. Olivia tried to remember all the tricks of the place—take this route to get to places without getting stuck behind supply trains, these are the guys at Supply who can get you things you need under the table, the showers don’t give hot water past four thirty am—useful shit that had taken her some time to figure out. By the time they reached the Barracks, her daily allotment of professionalism had been used up and her advice had become far more snarky.

The barracks was infinitely quieter than the rest of the main complex, especially when they reached their wing. Few Candidates spent time here. She understood why—somehow, more than the rest of the Proving Grounds, the barracks seemed hollow. The weight of the war always seemed to hit her most here. The folder burned in her hand.

“It’s four to a room, dudes on the left, lady-dudes on the right,” she explained mechanically, glancing back to the assignments. “Lights out is at 2200. Marco got his ass beat for being loud past that, so don’t be a jackass or you’ll get the same. Fucking with another Candidate’s sleep is the fastest way to get on the shit list. Keep your shit neat and lock it up, expensive things have been known to go missing, because even the apocalypse can’t stop people from being dicks.” She paused, considered them. “You’re fuckin’ adults, so I shouldn’t have to tell you to shower, but holy shit, I’ve already been proven wrong once, so shower. Alright, I’m going to butcher your names because I’m fucking terrible at this. Yuthee Tabtiang, Kyle Kuzowski, Lang-hao Ma—yeah, fuck, sorry—Owen Davis, you’ll be taking Room 221. Wotjek Jozwiak—voy-tek? Okay, shit, I’ll work on that—you’ve got 225 with Clemens, Marco, and Johnson. Good luck with that. That leaves Amanda Tucker,” she glanced to an impressively tall woman. Olivia rarely felt short at five foot eight, but the woman put her to shame. Damn. “You’ll be in 230 with me and Shankari. All your shit should already be in your rooms. If it’s not, let me know and I’ll track it down. Schedules for the next day are usually uploaded by like, 1930, on the network, so check that shit. Being late is for douchebags.”

Shit, she was sick of talking. Olivia looked at the group, arched a brow.

“Right, well, that should be everything. Don’t get yourselves into trouble.”
Ker-bump!






Sadie hummed an idle little ditty, the same annoying little tune she had bothered her brother with all summer. By the end of the holiday, she'd had her brother flying into fits of rage only three notes into her song. It had backfired slightly, as it was now perpetually stuck in her head, but it was a small price to pay. She'd achieved what all little sisters worked towards-- she'd driven her older brother insane. That would teach him to think twice before he played keep away with her things again.

She continued to bounce in her seat. Mr. Tufty tucked his head beneath a wing disdainfully. She'd thought the owl to be quite funny when she'd bought him, but Sadie wished she had selected a pet less prone to nipping her fingers. Maybe Mr. Tufty just wanted to stretch his wings. He'd been confined to her room since she'd bought him last month. Her mum said having an owl swooping around the neighborhood might qualify as suspicious. Sadie hoped Mr. Tufty was just grumpy. The alternative was rather...worrying. Mr. Tufty wouldn't always hate her, right?

The door to the compartment slid open, and Sadie's head immediately swiveled to watch. Her hazel eyes lit up with curiosity. A boy stood in the doorjamb, about her age, with white blonde hair that would be the envy of all the girls back in tiny Hankerton. Mum always said not to stare, but Sadie had yet to kick the habit. She wanted to know everything about everyone. Was that so terrible? This argument had never gone over well with her mum.

"Go right ahead!" She chirruped brightly, legs swinging. Sadie was exceptionally useless at sitting still. The train jerked forward, and Sadie managed not to squeal in delight (but only just). She gripped the edge of her seat in a bid not to fidget, craning her neck to look out the window. Her idle hands had a way of getting her into trouble. She didn't mean to break things, but she just got so excited and then things ended up dropped or shattered or, like the unfortunate Loo Incident, exploded. It was best for everyone that she refrained from poking things.

"I'm Sadie Ethans, by the way!" Sadie was at the stage of excited where 'Everything I Say Ends in Exclamation Points!' Mr. Tufty hooted derisively, clearly unimpressed. The nerve! She scrunched her nose at her bird before returning her attention to her new companion. “What’s your name? Is this your first year too? How long is this train ride anyways?”

The last bit wasn’t entirely directed at her companion. She looked out the window impatiently, the city transforming into a blur as the train picked up speed. Surely this would be a quick ride... wouldn't it?
Sadie Ethans had been waiting for this day for the past four years. She had been blown away by the sudden appearance of a barn owl on her brother Brennan's eleventh birthday and been extremely put out about not getting one herself. Her parent's had thought the letter a silly prank until a woman in dark robes had appeared on their doorstep and told them no, magic really does exist. It had been a day Sadie would never forget, one that forever altered the course of her life. When she had asked the severe looking woman if she would get to go to Hogwarts, the evil woman had simply told her to wait and see.

For four years, Sadie had waited. She sent Brennan letters weekly, demanding to know everything he was taught and to reassure her that she would get her chance as well. He did neither of these things, likely because he found her frustration amusing. Her pestering only worsened over his holidays, to the point where mum and dad had to send her to her room (which Sadie found supremely unfair). She'd nearly had a nervous breakdown in the week leading up to her eleventh birthday. Her owl had been cruel and hadn't shown up until nearly lunchtime on July Thirteenth. She'd already given up hope on being selected for Hogwarts and had resigned herself to a life of misery by the time her beautiful parchment letter arrived.

Nothing had been as wonderful as reading 'Dear Miss Ethans' in elegant emerald script. Nothing, perhaps, except the sight of the scarlet Hogwarts Express, and knowing that she had a place on it.

"Right, now promise you'll write every week," her mum instructed her as she dusted off Sadie's cardigan. Sadie could barely speak for her excitement.
"Yes mummy. Oh, look at the train," she was bouncing in place, and she missed the amused look her parents exchanged with one another. Sadie only had eyes for the steam spilling out of that beautiful engine, her heart beating a painful staccato in her chest. She needed to be on the train now!

"Sadie, calm down," Brennan grumbled, looking annoyingly cool in his school robes and with a broomstick slung across his shoulder. "You're embarrassing me."

She stuck her tongue out at Brennan, before her father shot her a warning look. She blushed and tried not to fidget.

"Brennan, you look out for Sadie. Make sure she doesn't, err, blow anything up."

Sadie pouted. Blow up one loo, on accident, and no one ever lets you forget it. Brennan sulkily muttered some form of assent. As soon as mum and dad were done hugging him goodbye, he had scurried off to go meet up with his friends. Sadie made a 'hmph' sound. He couldn't have abandoned her any quicker!

"Be good sweetheart. Work hard," her mum squeezed her tight. Sadie laughed as her father picked her up in a bear hug, before setting her down neatly next to her trunk.

"I will. I'll be the best," Sadie's fist clenched and her eyes lit up. She was going to make Brennan, who thought he was too cool for his little sister, look like a complete twit. She'd best him at everything! Her parents exchanged another, rather worried look, but before they could say anything the whistle had sounded.

"I have to go! I love you mum, love you dad!" Her father helped lift her and her things onto the train, and before she knew it, they were pulling away from the station.

Sadie released a high pitched squeal of excitement. Oh gosh, she was finally here! She was here and this was real and not just another frustrating dream! She tried not to hyperventilate. Mr. Tufty, her screech owl, shot her a withering look. A taller girl with dark hair helped her move her things into an empty compartment, where she left Sadie to bounce on the seat, nose pressed to the glass.

"I'm going to Hogwarts, I'm going to Hogwarts~!"
Voila! Our first OOC post.
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