Gwynbleidd — Roleplayer Guild

Alright, alright. I know it's been a long time waiting for me to ACTUALLY get some reviews up. Within this post, I will be constantly updating and adding reviews. Only one shall be put up for now. Figure it's best to get started somewhere. This weekend has been a war zone that I'd simply describe as "Assignment Hell." Seriously, probably the largest dump of college work I've had to do in a while.

Anyway, here we go!

IMPORTANT NOTE: What I say is meant solely to be constructive and as helpful as possible. It's my opinion based on my experiences and education as a writer. And some personal taste as well though believe me, it is unlikely that will sway my vote one way or another unless two works are so considerably evenly matched that I have to choose what I prefer based on taste. No offense is meant by anything I say. If there are any questions you have for me that you personally had for your own work, any help you would like, or if you'd like to debate a certain aspect of my opinion: PLEASE, feel free to PM me. I'm very friendly.

REVIEWS
Now that that's all settled. The reviews are up next.

Well now, that was certainly not quite what I was expecting. What a way to start this all off. When I wrote my own piece, I never thought of singing a different rendition of the song or writing lyrics that fit the beat of the music or were similar to the original song. You definitely had a lyrical/musical mind. Well done on that aspect. Also, that's pretty ballsy of you to throw yourself out there and present yourself singing a variation of the song. Great voice, by the way. I actually found myself enjoying the sound of your voice more than the song your work was inspired by. The theme was clear through the lyrics and was delivered on point. You accomplished what you set out to do.

Onto the cons, which are mostly technical issues. Others have already pointed out mistakes such as "Your" should be "You're"  at the beginning of the poem. Then "eye's" should just be "eyes". "An" on the second line should be "and" from what I'm guessing. You make that mistake again a few lines down. Perhaps "an" is just some sort of language use variation. Slang? So, I can probably drop that. Just throws me off when reading. Getting those technical points corrected will help keep the flow of your work going strong rather than having it interrupted. 

Now for a little personal opinion: As for the message of the poem, it's delivered just fine. However, it doesn't particularly move me. Not quite my style, perhaps. Not that that's a bad thing. The work left me feeling unsatisfied. I know there is a bonus category for sticking closest to the song, but I feel there's ways to do that while also changing things around more; playing around with the story lines of the song. Solid work here. You can write. It just wasn't for me as I had a very neutral reaction. 

Thank you for the showing everyone your entry.

And for showing us your singing! It was quite pleasant.

Oh depressing stories, how I love you so. The first aspect I will hit upon is the connection to the song. I quite enjoyed that she wore a crimson dress and you focused on her hair. Connections to "I got my red dress on tonight" in the song, I assume. The hair being a reference to being it up in beauty queen style. Again, those are my assumptions. They seem to close to not be on purpose. Those details are fun additions I had to acknowledge. Good job, 'twas a good thing. It bolstered my experience reading the story.

Solid details and set-up of the scene. I found myself being able to close my eyes and wander through her surroundings. Your ability to paint the picture of who the main character is as a person comes through. Love-struck, devoted, loyal. But she also has her impatience when Alfie hasn't showed up. He has just been through a war, so I actually found it humorous she became agitated. Just one of those human things we all do even if our impatient anger is unreasonable in the grand perspective of things. 

Foreshadowing. I definitely got that niggling sense that something bad was going to happen. Which was evident not only from the song title, story title, and the sound (and lyrics) of the song. Strong work here with the atmosphere and setting. And, the first person narrative works here. I could get in her head and was able to get attached to Alfie.

Onto the criticisms. I don't feel like you need to use so many ellipses. Trust me, I know. I abuse the ever-loving christ out of ellipses as well. Take a closer look at some of your paragraphs and notice the certain focus that is within them. There are sudden jumps from one thing to the next that could be organized more cleanly by making a new paragraph. Not that that's a terrible thing because we are in the mind of the narrator. It could make sense that this is her focus. Looking forward to Alfie returning so she's nervous, excited, happy and her mind would be leaping all over. 

I found most of this to be done well. It ultimately just felt too predictable for me. There were some moments where you described Alfie through telling. What if instead of saying he loved gardening, have the narrator stroll through an exquisitely cared for garden. The implied, shown feelings and characteristics are more powerful than those that are told to us; unless there is a good reason why it may be told instead of shown. 

Overall, you did a pretty good job. Not great. Could have been excellent. You have lots of potential, keep it up!

Whoa, positivity alert. So many positive vibes coming from this song and story. Positive feelings I should say. Verdict of the work on the other hand? Well let's see.

The writing appears alright. No major errors I noticed anywhere. I can follow the beats of the story just fine and you hit all of them. In terms of a story at its most simple and base elements, well, you told a story as it should be told. With the song I found myself smiling, and I was happy to read material with such hopeful optimism and joy.

However, my problem stands as this: it's too easy. 

I know the main character has been thrown out and is homeless. He's worried because she has no home and has a decision to make. Good, conflict right off the bat. Now he has to convince his significant other to go west. Again this is good. More conflict. We have stakes for him because he has no home and needs to go somewhere. His emotional state rests on how he feels about going west, and that's another stake. 

What's so important about his boyfriend? I wonder why I should be so invested in whether he wants to go west or not. The protagonist seems as though he will be leaving with or without him, judging from what I read. Unless he moves in with him of course. What did the boyfriend ever do that was the reason the narrator would stay in Boston? Not that I need to know specifically, but YOU should. That way you can write his characteristics that draw the main character in. Actions that paint the boyfriend positively for readers like me. You did do well in his response to the main character's troubles, we immediately know he's a good guy, BUT, yes there is a but...

Why would he just up and go with him? Does he not have family and friends he'd be leaving in the area? Is there a job he has that'd he would have to give up. This is moving to a completely opposite coast. A new world, a new life. Leaving home and the comfortable security they have had. This is a massive decision, and he just up and says yes? I don't buy it. I want some struggle within my stories. The other person should have to go through some sort of an obstacle to achieve his goal. Although it's a happy little story, I didn't feel as though the ending was earned.

Good job, just not quite for me.

Take everything I say here with a grain of salt. Not a poetry buff over here. It's been a while since I've last spent a considerable amount of time analyzing the techniques/style and content of a poem. 

I can probably stop commenting on the connections to the songs because it seems just about everyone hits on the mark. You've done well with that as well. One grammatical note: was "All the you can be" meant to be "All THAT you can be"? I'd assume it was. Just a small error. Nothing major! Small in comparison to the rest of the piece. Structurally the free verse is sound. You used commas in the right places.

The strongest quality of the piece was its sense of vagueness. I do love (and sometimes hate if I'm in a literature class) a piece of poetry that makes me think abstractly about what a certain thing is. The 'thing' in your poem being the 'bad thing.' Quite a fun little journey it was trying to figure out what that bad thing could be. The best part of the experience was that it can be entirely up to the reader. While you, the author, probably have it in mind what the 'bad thing' is; the readers still can imagine what it is that watches the people. I suspect the idea is that it's the darkness of the human soul. "It beckons to them with their hopes and dreams." That line was my biggest hint. Whether I'm close to the mark or not, I feel the nature of darkness and the more 'evil' of human desires resides at the heart of this piece. Using less than moral means to reach "their hopes and dreams" would certainly lead me to believe what I do believe. Anyway, that's enough of that.

I definitely feel as though it could flow more. Perhaps that is the nature of a free verse poem. Adding a little bit of structure could have helped. Thinking about different words (always be grabbing that thesaurus) that capture the same point but also provide the rhythm you want. At times I felt the message could have been delivered with more subtle means. Even if you did good work with the abstract meanings of the poem, delivering the message with some sort of more subtle visual flare may have been nice. That's just my personal taste.

All in all, one of the better pieces I've read.

That got dark, very fast. I could relate to this piece on a personal level. On not only the addiction aspect, but also the attempted suicide. Someone I knew growing up killed themselves, and one of my brother's close friends who I often talked with and got to know over the years died from a drug overdose. Kudos for hitting the emotional nerve. 

As for the piece itself, well done. The song choice was certainly excellent. What a jarring juxtaposition! On the surface "Perfect Day" seems like it could be quite a happy song about a person spending time with someone he loves. Although I know it's a personification of Lou Reed's addiction to heroin. So, you're really working on all levels here. So, Eric's perfect day is with heroin. The positive vibe of the music clashes so strongly with Eric's struggle with his addiction. Good song choice, and great written piece to go alongside. 

The visuals were powerful and sucked me into the utter desperation and feeling of no escape that Eric had from the drug. Using photographs as memories into Eric's past was a good choice. And, I think you have a strong grasp with the topic of addiction and what it does to people. Paranoia, forgetting things, and others come to mind. The idea that he simply forgot his friend's funeral and didn't remember receiving an invite was pretty tragic. An accurate representation. Very solid.

Some grammatical issues have already been pointed out. Again, they aren't massive or detrimental to the piece in any major way. I would say if anything, there probably should have been some expansion done to the story. It is meant to be a short story, yes, but short can still be a bit longer to grasp what you need. Particularly, the audience should have some sort of connection to Eric. Yes, he is interesting due to his addiction to heroin. But it's his struggle with it that's the most important. Adding on to his battle and his time being clean would be nice. Give us something to hold on to about Eric. I feel the piece could be stronger if we had something that made us like Eric. That would make the end more powerful. The idea of what could have been… much more sad.

Another one of the better pieces here in my opinion.

Hm. That was a bit of a unique experience. I'm not quite familiar with song fiction as Alice described in a previous post before removing it. In fact, I've never read a song fic. I definitely understand where the discussion of plagiarism came up, and understand both sides of the divide. But, let's stay away from that for now.

If a song fic is taking the lyrics and being very close to the actual song and making some additions, then you certainly succeeded. I personally can't say it's 'original' in the sense of the term because it adheres to the theme of the song, uses a lot of the lyrics from the song, and just adds your love story into the mix of a love-like song. 

It did make for a unique experience. Reading it alongside the music playing and almost hearing everything play out together was kind of neat. A lyrical experience really, almost reading it as the characters were singing to each other.

But, for me it's too close to the song. Not much was added on. Nothing speaks out to me in terms of technique, style, or storytelling.

Good LGBT twist to the song. The message was powerful and on point. Your word usage seemed all in check with me. As a poem, there wasn't anything technical I could find wrong with it. Although, I'd say there was some missing punctuation. A comma may have worked here or there. For example:

Grasp it now?
This is their future
Your disgust is
Nothing but stupid!

I feel as though somewhere there, a comma or something may have been nice. However, as it is a poem, the run-on nature of "This is their future your disgust is nothing but stupid" could very well work. Almost as though the person is so angry their words are just bursting out of their mouth with no filter. Which is as accurate as to real life anger as you can get. If that was the purpose, well done.

The message was easy to figure out. But, the poem to me felt too simple. Not the message, but the way it was delivered. Here I am with my personal tastes on poetry again. Overall, it's a solid work.

Nice little add-in there with the song about stars at the end. Aeonumbra covered the grammatical and other technical errors so I will stay away from those. I also wonder why she was counting. Didn't add anything to the story. There seemed to be no real reason for it. Just curious about it.

You set up a peaceful scene nicely. With some simple sentences you gave us a picture of your main character. I could see a stubborn young girl refusing to accept help putting the telescope together. Personally, I'd refuse help as well.

Why was it such a weird thing for the sky to be clear? Is it winter, judging from the hot cocoa? Tategami is pops, but what is pops? I also assumed father until she actually speaks to 'Dad'. Some confusion there.

As a whole I feel the story could benefit from added details so we might get a little bit more to know about Kuba, Tategami, and her father. One could say we know the most about her dad because he speaks so adamantly about his viewpoint. The story had a pleasant feeling to it. Like a family feeling; a father-daughter warmth to it. Just could have been better with some more execution and additions.

Short and sweet. Good flow and the word choice benefits that rhythm. Song and poem linked up with each other very nicely. 

The conciseness of the piece worked well for me. I don't really know what more I could say for you. I'm a fan of themes revolving around people losing their identity to the thing they pretend to be. Good work here. I enjoyed that.

Creative, I like it. Although your story could have benefited with some better adjectives. Sometimes I had a hard time immersing myself in your world. Describing the sides and what was going on felt a bit clinical. Almost like you were going through a list of things you needed the audience to know. There are better ways to go about doing this so the readers can actually feel themselves within your world. Let them imagine what it was like.

You did have some nice creative structure. Jumping from past narrative to the present was a nice touch. And your writing got stronger as you went (that's always a good thing to have when writing). While the ending seemed a bit predictable, I didn't mind that. The narrative switch while the countdown was going through was a great choice. In fact, the ending showed off that you had a good sense of pacing. Slow build up to that fever pitch moment of tension. Good job.

As for the song connection, I'm not so sure. In a general sense it works. Were you going for the idea that you're either a cop or robber? One cop becomes a robber and falls in love with a fellow robber, but then the original robber becomes a cop. If so, that's an intriguing direction to make the song connection. Otherwise it's oddly off-putting .

Good story, some really strong elements. But it's lacking important pieces to be great.

I hated this piece more than I hate Bill O'Reilly and Fox News. JUST KIDDING. This was absolutely lovely. Brilliant even. I think I may have found a new favorite in the clubhouse. Your word choice spoke to me. Even when there were moments I felt you could have used some extra details, I could explain it away. It didn't necessarily need to be said or shown. I just got the character. Understood the struggle.

Although, a few more visuals to paint the appearance of her home might have made this piece even more powerful. Just an honest assessment. I can't give you a perfect score. Any story can benefit with more showing rather than telling unless there is a certain type of structure/perspective you're using that makes sense for a different route. 

Regardless. This was a strong entry. Powerful and emotional. It hit me on a personal level, and that ending resonated with me. I needed that. Thank you for writing this. I feel as though there are many people who can relate to this. Well done, and a great song choice as well. You have a unique, wonderful voice. I'd love to see more of your writing.

Ellipses. So many ellipses. You could really just stick with periods, honestly. Sorry, it has become a pet peeve of mine. Mostly because I used to abuse ellipses and when I noticed it, it has ticked me off ever since. Not that I'm holding that against you. That's not a horribly major thing wrong with your work. In fact, I enjoyed your entry. 

I thought adding the lyrics of the song into the speech was an interesting choice. Although sometimes it made it read awkwardly. Understand what you were trying to do, and I appreciate the stylistic choices. Some just don't work out as much as we'd like. Though it wasn't a terrible choice. The message still got through, and it was a powerful one.

Great, positive meaning from this piece. All of you seem to be hitting on messages that I can relate to. Definitely feel as though we can relate to the idea of regret and wishing we did things differently. Making our voices and opinions heard. Taking what we want, or at least making an effort to take what we want. Good work!

This really reminded me of Dragon Ball Z while I was reading it. Super powered people blowing up things and fighting. The song probably added on to that, and that they seemed to power up while screaming 'escalation' lol. Not a bad thing to remind me of, I so enjoyed that show when I was younger. 

Pretty basic plot here. It's been covered that the characters are predictable and archetypical. As is the plot. Nothing groundbreaking here (not that it has to be). Not quite sure I enjoyed the lyrics being interwoven within this particular entry, mainly because it read awkwardly for me. Then again, your world. If you were going for an anime-ish type world, it sounded like one for sure. 

Biggest problem? Motivations. I understand the brothers have their own beliefs that are clashing ideals, but I'd like to know why. I never got the sense that Zack transformed enough as a character to have his extremism. There was a lot of telling and not enough development. However, you did entertain me. You can write, and you've got creativity. A fun entry, but one I probably won't be voting for.

Curious about the deeper meaning of your poetry. Short and sweet. I do like me some conciseness. Also, with so many things to review still this is a nice change of pace. Is it someone stating they will never become like their father? I see hints of abuse from black-blue hues, and five dollar feuds (petty arguments?). 

If not, I feel it's something close to that. A struggle between the speaker and someone important within their life. Message was delivered, the word choice was on point. Though I wish there were more. Simple poem with a powerful theme. I can't think of much else to say about this piece.

I liked it, but it didn't blow me away or move me incredibly. Good work, keep writing. Definitely want to see more of what you're capable of.

So far, I'd have to say this is the best piece of poetry I've read in the entire contest. What an interesting song choice as well. A royal-like theme with a title like 'Kings'. Interesting mesh. I like it. Maybe even brilliant. 

The imagery. Extremely well done. The picture you've painted is crystal clear, and in many ways more visual than some of the short stories written in this contest. In fact, this poem speaks so powerfully it's something I'd expect to hear from Mos Def's "Def Poetry" readings. It was that good. You can be proud of this piece. Very proud. 

Quite the twisted and dark drug anthem here. Comparing royal kingdom names to those of the street. Sad and depressing. I can see the hopelessness of their situation. Nothing gets better for them, yet they still continue on with their situations. Not often someone can tell a detailed story in so few words, but you did it. Beautifully done.

You have a real talent for creating unique voices. Aily is certainly one of them. I could easily close my eyes and hear how Aily spoke, along with every other character. That was a very nice touch and added a great deal to this piece. And a good sense of humor. Found myself laughing a few times. Burlap sack of phallus was one of the better insults I've read in a good while. Aily's disgust at the greasy Ennio. Fantastic written details here. You certainly know how to capture both world and your characters. They're all unique as well. Not many people achieve that.

Also, what a clash of tones. Such a happy sounding tune to a story that had such darker themes. At least this seemed to be a piece with a dark theme such as suicide which I took the ending to be. Could be entirely wrong. Aily seemed quite depressed. Definitely sad that Aily jumped. Such humor and potential. Sigh… Another piece that has struck an emotional chord. Good work. 

Definitely enjoyed the switch from first person to third person around the end. Somewhat reminded me of that infamous Darl chapter in As I Lay Dying. Regardless of whether the end was a bit predictable, this piece stands strong for several reasons. Great characters, unique voices, a legitimate beginning middle and end, there are clear struggles Aily deals with, and fantastic writing.

Flaws? Personally, I'm not quite sure. It didn't completely capture me. Didn't absolutely wow me. However, your writing is on point and it is a great story. You still could definitely get my vote. But there is still much to review. Even if I have read everything. A second go round definitely helps. Anyway, thank you so much for writing this.

On the negative side of things, I can't say this impressed me too much. I don't write poetry often and my knowledge of it has dulled over time. So, you may have used some great techniques and style. However, the contents just didn't impress me. I couldn't quite find myself the rhythm. Although along with the song, I definitely could grasp your emotion. There was a lot of passion here and that's what kept me reading. Using web and nets was a nice piece of imagery so you get points there. I felt your uses of repetition at certain places did not have the desired effect.

No real grammatical issues or major technical errors. Not a bad piece of poetry whatsoever, do not misunderstand me. It was good. Just the contents weren't quite what I'm looking for. Felt a bit too straightforward. Some better word choice could have helped the rhythm. It's interesting and I'd definitely like to see some more of your work.

Nice song. I can picture it along with the main character and his uprising against Wilhelm. Even hear the song as all the chaos happens. Good work with the song inspiration as I can see where it connects to your work. 

However, I can't say the story in itself gripped me. I appreciate the recounting of a story and returning back to the present. Going into a story, then another story and another is a lot of fun (Grand Budapest Hotel, anyone?). Although this is just recounting one event in this story. I still like that, and the shift from third person to first was an interesting choice. Nicely done as it made it seem as if he was talking.

I feel as though there were words missing that could have painted your world more clearly and could have immersed me. Sometimes it just stalled where the story shouldn't have stalled. A good effort, and not a bad story at all. Just, I've seen it before and it didn't move me. The ending could have been more powerful as well.

What a tune! I loved that song so much. Couldn't stop nodding along and tapping my foot to it. And starting with positives, your story certainly fit in with the song. Great mesh. I enjoyed your use of color to distinguish between different characters/narratives. Your writing style is enjoyable and well structured. You're definitely a more advanced writer. 

You've got a talent for capturing the scene and a specific mood for your piece. Good abilities to have, I'd say. Excellent detail all around. But, my problems stem from mostly character aspects. I understand Rhys and her desire to escape from her upper class cage, chained away from the beautiful freedom of the world. I understand the Lord and his upper class upbringing of the 'finer' material things in life.

But, what I don't have here is some development. The relationship (loving/romantic?) between Meldie and Rhys seemed to come from nowhere. Even if Meldie was an old friend, there felt like a lack of development there. Thus I didn't feel their passion, and that's pretty important to have. I want Rhys to do things and to see things play out. To see the consequences. As another review said, we kind of just learn things through some form of exposition (but also to be fair, we have action here as well). All in all, this is great work. I'm very happy to have read it. Voting is not going to be easy.

Faster than probability? I'm curious as to what you meant by that line. Perhaps the only line that confused me. I'm interested by the word choice if it was on purpose. Regardless, this is one of the best poems here. Punctuation was nicely placed. I adored the video game music choice. If you were going for epic, you certainly succeeded especially with your great use of imagery.

Nice artwork for the title, but that's besides the point. Kataigida being Greek for storm, and then using lightning along with "fingers of Zeus" painted an impressive image in my mind. Imagery is not to be taken lightly by the poet. You certainly grasped that aspect.

There is a deep thread of the meaning of this poem, but I wonder what it is. I'm not quite sure the message of this poem is. Perhaps there is none. In the literal sense I see it as the reader and the world are the audience to a stormy night sky watching in awe at the power of nature the Earth holds (with its weather).

Oh, and lightning described as rebels against the night. Brilliant word choice there. I guess my criticism is that you have these fantastic images, and sometimes you rely on things like "oppressive humidity". While that's good, it pales in comparison to other choices you made. Excellent work, just making my job harder.

That was a lot of fun, I have to admit. Seems like you're bringing memories back to everyone when they were little kids enamored by all the fantastic things happening at a fair. The writing is concise, uses imagery well, and hits all those story beats nicely.

Well done here. The flaws rise mostly from it being a short piece. But, perhaps it didn't quite need it. I just wish there was a little more with the wish at the end. Overall, this was cute. You made me smile, and I do love the innocent pure hearted youthful kid storyline. You pulled it off well. 

There's not much I have to say here. One of the better entries for sure.

Like that the name of the song is called expectations and the story is about something that is unexpected. And you stuck closely to the story of the lyrics. Points for that. A clear beginning, middle and end in the structure of conversation.

A conversation based story can really work. You've got the basics down and that's nice. However, I never felt as though I got a personality from any of the guys. They didn't engage me. They all seemed like the same people to me. A bunch of guys who were dark, very harsh and cruel. Laughing at the misfortunes of others. So, that was interesting but it turned me off because they weren't interesting enough for me to put up with the things they said. Maybe having them do things would be nice, or just establish the diversity of their personalities through speech.

Just feel there was more to do here. An interesting idea that could benefit by a longer story.

Work on those typos. Too short for much plot to be happening here. The dialogue felt awkward. Love the song choice. But, I'm not sure how much it fits. Definitely leads to a pumped up scenario. 

I appreciate the use of a simulation as a bit of a twist. But I don't think it needed to be at the beginning. You take out all of the stakes. What are the stakes to someone's mind outside of the simulation when they're in the simulation. You die in the real world if you die in the Matrix. Think about things like that.

Characters need to be more well thought out. A clear plot needs to be found. Typos re-worked. Needs to be longer so you can establish these things.

A good idea, just needs to be re-worked.

Be careful of repetitive and redundant writing. Describe different ways someone might smile or smirk. Perhaps it doesn't need to be described again and again. Take advantage of other actions and dialogue. What people say in many ways does define who they are.

I wasn't sure whether I was going to get into your world, but I did. Good job on that. I liked the song. And whoa, that tragic ending was quite the twist. However, I'm not sure I could find many hints within the actual story? I'm not a fan of twists for the sake of having a twist.

Being a deceiver the entire time without hints to the audience feels rushed to me. Watch The Usual Suspects a lot. One of the best twists in cinematic history. Enjoyed the main character, you established her pretty well. A fun story, and you spread out the plot nicely. Not afraid of something tragic happening.

You could definitely benefit from a longer story to give more moments that happen that makes the main character fall for him even harder. Allows us to really connect and also feel just as betrayed at the end.

Your first paragraph hung me up. Some repetitive word choices. Structure your use of imagery in a different way that flows more. Though, you were depicting a turbulent storm. In which case, grab a thesaurus and use some writing techniques to give off the chaotic feelings that not only stem from the environment but the character as well.

You did use beautiful imagery. I'm a sucker for the details, especially when they are well crafted. This was a touching entry. I'm lucky to have had two great parents, but I am capable of not only sympathy but also empathy. And that's also credit to you as a writer that I could. You made it easy for me.

On the criticism side… I feel as though your descriptions and using them in relation the character sometimes hit me as a reader right on the nose. Not describing the things that were happening, but when you made the protagonist's emotional state explicitly known with an expository line; I felt that you didn't need that. Stick with showing. Your story is strong mainly because of those images enhancing the touching plot. Good job.

Another entry sprinkled in lyrics to the story in the same fashion as you did. I believe it was "Escalation of Two Brothers". It felt awkward in that piece, but you manage to pull it off here. However, at some points it felt strange as well. Especially when some conversations seemed to stop abruptly. Kind of threw me off. 

As another review stated, I also would have liked to see you break off more from the story of the song. Much like the "No Place I'd Rather Be" entry. Extremely touching story with many relatable moments for everyone no matter what perspective you look at it from. The mother's, daughter's, husband's, or son's. Being able to see the story from those different viewpoints gives a certain power to the piece. 

Just wanted more filled in. Get a feel of your own storytelling. You have a nice writing style and I enjoyed that. Lots of entertaining reads here, and you're added on to the list!

Because this is such an expansive short story in the contest, this will also be my longest review. That was going to happen regardless, it's just so long. And I want to do justice to this piece especially due to how much effort you put forth with this. I'll be breaking it down much like mdk did by cutting it up into the sections/chapters.

So… Comin' right up.

On The Disclaimer: Didn't take Kevra for Hitler although the parallel is certainly there. So no worries there. It's a story, no one should take it for your 'beliefs' or anything. But I understand. Anyway, enough of that. Time to review.

Former Terran Colony Newy Wizna, Republic of Zarmina

A solid start. Great, even. The description of the scene to begin with might have been a bit clunky. Certainly nice touches there. I like the comment of bullets making people forget certain things. However, I just feel as though it was not the smoothest transition into the battle. Felt too slow. Not quite the right pace for the jump. 

Anyway. Everything else felt fine. 'Fine' is so not the word for this. Excellently done. A clear visual picture was painted in my mind. Your pacing became delivered in a strong fashion. The introduction of Rudolf was powerful. You made a way for the readers to relate to him in such a simple form. Shock at a graze wound from a bullet. And another soldier who just says "Really gets to you, doesn't it?" So simple, and yet so effective at building Rudolf as our entry piece to hold onto in the story. A man in battle. Experiencing the horrors of war and having his naive beliefs and ideals put to the test.

Good characterization is a great skill. Off to a wonderful start.

Hoffnung Ghetto, Gerechtigkeit

Murtadan people. I loved how you described them. Particularly using the wings on Sarah Haskel's back. A young girl with wings. Such an angelic type of image, and then putting her and others into death camps. Jesus, what a way to take something so beautiful and destroy it. That was a brilliant decision on your part, and you took the idea of human life and bolstered its value. Even though I already personally value human life intensely, you did a great thing by amplifying that feeling here. No one wants to see beautiful things (especially people) destroyed so cruelly.

Good start with this. 

Terran High Command, Olympus Mons City, Mars

Definitely been stated by others. Use those periods! I have an unhealthy love for commas as well. We're in the same boat. I also liked to use ellipses a lot. Thankfully that's mostly stopped. Anyway, more periods. Less commas in places you don't need them.

Perseans, Perseus Arm. I just love all the Germany and Russia references, etc. Loving this. And the characterization of the people is again, very well done. 

Newy Wizna, Conquered Territory

You don't do it often, but there was a moment there where Rudolf speaks about his ideals and beliefs. But you threw in some social commentary about how they don't realize how wrong the things they are saying are. You didn't need to do that. It has already been implied. Trust your audience. It is more powerful by far. Good use on the propaganda that was prevalent during the times of WW2 here. Good Wini intro. The characters are developing… So, yeah. Nice. Onto the next section.

Nova Terra, Terran Reich Core World

Just making me hate those Terrans. That's how I should feel. This place, this camp is a brutal and terrible place. A nightmare. Absolute hell and you do a good job of making that clear. Focus more on Lev, rather than the other Murtadans. Most likely, they're feeling a lot similar to what Lev is feeling. We can get the implication through Lev. Your story is so well-built on characters, just keep doing that. Lev is no exception. Ugh. What an awful place… (The camp that is!)

Newy Warszawa, Zarmina, Capital of the Republic of Zarmina

Now that's one hell of an intro to the scene. GREAT WORK THERE. You dragged me right into the action. Gripping from the very start. The stand off between Rudolf and the Zarminian. So much to love here. I just really wish we got to see MORE of his wait to be rescued. That would be such an incredible scene. How horrifying, tense, and harrowing that experience could be. Holding on to dear life, not knowing whether you're going to make it or not. A bit of a rushed ending. This scene is close to perfection. Maybe even think about cutting right after he makes the call. Go to another scene, then pick up on him waiting. That could help the pacing, or doing it in one chapter. I'm not sure.

And character development strikes again! From idealist soldier to just wanting to survive. War is brutal. You've nailed it.

Terran High Command, Olympus Mons City, Mars (2)

Damnit, Kevra! Just give it up! Solid scene here, giving us an insight to what is going on at the high command. Everything is falling apart around Kevra and I just know it's not going to end well. She's so blinded and lost in this ideal of 'humanity's best.' Quite sad. Frightening and terrible, and very sad.

Nova Terra, Terran Reich Core World (2)

Man, what a tense scene there to start. Making us think Lev is about to bite the bullet. But we meet Alexander. Our hope and Lev's hope in all of this darkness. Want to know more about Alexander.

Nova Terra, Midnight a Month Later

Right mix of action. Great intro to the scene. Had me concerned for Lev and what was going to happen to him. Seeing Alexander again was nice. I'd still love to see more of Alexander. Have you ever watched "The Pianist"? The Alexander character has been done before. We know there were people among the Nazis who did not like (understatement) the genocide at all! If you haven't, watch it. There's a scene there that might be a good reference point for his character.

I just wondered if you might have been going for a parallel with the German soldier in that film. Could be a good reference point.

Earth, Terran Reich Capital

One of those chapters where your writing really hit its stride. You were so on point here. Incredible. Gripping action. Great pacing. I almost feel like you wrote this part of the story the fastest, it just feels like you got so into it. Not that you didn't with the rest of it. 

Did you have to kill, Rudolf? Did you really? Damnit man!
Earth, Terran Reich Capital (2)

Whew boy. The meaning of Kevra's name. This one hit me. Hit me hard. I know I shouldn't feel bad for someone who ordered the genocide of a people. But, you wrote Kevra pretty well. I very nearly cried reading this. No way out. No escape. No possible way of repenting. Her entire world falling down around her. The idea of what great things she could have done instead. Haunting and tragic.

What a conclusion. Wow. 

Final Verdict

Alright. Can't believe we're finally here. 

We'll start at your notes: I can definitely see how you wanted more to do with Alexander. Nature of the deadline, and yours was pretty last minute if I remember correctly. Just re-work the story. PLAY WITH THIS. It's very good, don't forget about it. 

I love how in depth you went with your research. Definitely can tell it's a passion of yours. Your passionate writing comes through and makes this piece great. Hah, I actually google translated that immediately once I read it. Made me more sad. Way to go man.

Love the meaning of Kevra's name, and the many names in the story. Meaningful. It adds layers to your story. 

Now onto the actual final verdict. Great story. Well written. The characters were real, I could get in their heads, their feet. Feel their emotions. And they grew. They developed, for better or for worse. You made me care, which is so friggin' crucial. Though you definitely could do more. Alexander stands out. I kind of wish we had more of Kevra. I feel her scenes could have been longer. The development to her epiphany more… believable? Not quite sure that's the word I'm looking for. I already was sad when she shot herself, but giving us more could have made that moment stand out all the more. 

What happened to Sarah? I know we followed Lev. I'm assuming she's just dead. Which sucks. So hard. I kind of liked that we don't know what happened there but you've left it to our imagination which is nothing but DARK! 

The main criticisms. Hmm. Social commentary can be cool, but you don't need it with Rudolf when he talks of his ideals and beliefs. Just leave that out. Imply through action and dialogue. I got it when I read it. I didn't need the hammer on the nose. 

Commas. STOP USING THEM SO MUCH! Lol, I know you've been told a million times. It's okay. You're allowed mistakes as is everyone else. Especially on such a friggin' fantastic entry. This story could use touch ups on Alexander. Build up more upon Rudolf's harrowing wait for rescue. Maybe more of Kevra.

Don't know what else I could critique. We can ALWAYS improve. A lot of the time your pacing is ON POINT. Sometimes, it can feel a bit clunky at the start. Like the beginning of the first section, it's a minor complaint. Building up a peaceful start and then bam! But, I don't know if that was the right direction to go.

As said before, the call for rescue and then the sudden rescue for Rudolf was too fast. Too jumpy. Slow it down. Build up that harrowing scene. You made it difficult for Rudolf to survive, DO NOT GO EASY ON HIM EVER. 

Rudolf was definitely well developed. Kevra had her shining moments. Wini. Alexander. I think a few brush ups could help. Especially for Alexander, AND Lev. Sometimes I feel like you didn't focus on Lev enough. He's our channel into that horrible world. He's the human connection. Take advantage of that. 

My final verdict? Holy crap. Way to go! This was incredible. You've made my decision on what to vote for very easy.

Well. They might not be eligible for a vote, however I felt like reviewing these anyway because they were enjoyable reads. 

What a lovely piece of music. That was so beautiful. I can see how the piece was entirely inspired by the music. Sometimes the song seemed peaceful and then it built up to those high powered, fast paced sequences with dark tones. Great choice of music for the entry. It matched so well with the story itself.

Particularly, in relation to the song; you nailed the pacing. That's a hard thing to do. I'm impressed on how you pulled this off. Segumir was an interesting character I'd like to know somewhat more of. Guess that's what happens with a very short story with limited time to spend on those things.

Loved that Segumir has telepathy. Immense mind powers are a lot of fun. Great imagery on everyone screaming and scratching their heads. A pretty horrifying image there. 

I just wanted more. There was more to learn from Segumir. More to learn from her motivations and desires. Sad and depressing that she has to cause suffering to find peace. You could develop this into a great longer story! Good stuff. I thoroughly enjoyed the read.

Slightly confused by the genders at first. BUT, I do believe I got it as I went a long. Not a major issue. I was confused by the switches to first person. I feel like you should space those out in a different paragraph, but it didn't hamper me for long. I got used to them after a while.

Thoroughly depressing story. Going with a pretty sad song as well. Jeez. Just an all around kind of downer story. Except the ending was somewhat bittersweet because they'll be reunited in the after life. 

I think I caught a few typos around in here at a bunch of places. Be sure to fix those. The biggest problem with the piece are these emotions the characters feel for each other. What happened to Tyrael? I might have missed that while reading. Otherwise, yes, the feelings of the character. They felt forced and underdeveloped. Hyped without any meaningful interactions that made me believe in the actual weight of their care for others. Work on that. Take a look at this story, because it has potential. And you as a writer do too. 

A fun read. Thank you.

UPDATE: HOLY CRAP I'M DONE!
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