Illumin0sity

Journey to the East

Elann answered with uncertainty and it made Noah uncertain as well. The tiniest of nuances could be seen on her face, it was a disheartening sight to cement his already bad feelings. The air was frigid and the crisp breeze which blew against the entire gathering didn’t help. No one attempted to put up their tents on the rained on ground, deciding to only come out because social gathering during nightfall - especially after the bandit raid - had become the norm. It seemed everyone was enjoying themselves to some capacity, even if it was just casual talking. All except Elann and Noah, who were dealing with the aftermath of their disagreement.

He saw her gather into herself against the cold, the heat of the fire or him nearby doing little to keep the chill at bay. Her short dress didn’t have a place in the frigid night and she said she was going back to the wagon, saying he could stay there if he wanted. She turned to leave, left Noah to stand with uncertainty in his next action. His tongue ran over his lips as he watched her walk away. In the next breath he took a step after her, stalling at the call of his name chirping from Alena’s voice.

He stopped and turned to face the girl. Her father and mother were heading to their wagon as well, Alena managed to rip away for a moment. Stooping down, he watched Elann continue on to the wagon while he gave his attention to the little girl.

Several chimes passed before Noah made his own way to the wagon. He parted the flaps and slowly helped himself inside, mostly using the iron tow bar under the floor of the wagon to push himself in. He stood for a moment, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness, opening the fullness of his pupils to aid in transition. He found Elann wherever she was but didn’t speak for lack of knowing what to say. He acknowledged her presence silently but went towards the back of the wagon for their trunk.

The latch sounded and it opened. From the top he got the box holding his gold and other small baubles. The telltale sound of the coins jingling from being disturbed sounded through the air, but he placed a few small flowers inside and closed the box again, setting it back into the trunk before closing it altogether. He relatched it and turned back to face the whole of the wagon, his fingers playing at the edge of his shirt as he contemplated taking it off.

Journey to the East

His words ended the conversation, of which he was thankful for, though he didn’t necessarily feel good about it. She stated she was returning to the fire, being cold, but she didn’t beckon for him to follow. He assumed she left it up to him whether or not he wanted to return to the fire with her. He didn’t want to, but didn’t see it as a pure choice. The mood had already been soured by their altercation, and though no voices were raised, things had been stressed. Him residing there, as much as he wanted to, probably wouldn’t have smoothed over well later on.

“Okay,” he said in reply, delaying his own movement to stand until she was off the boulder. He brought his shoes with him as he stood then scooped up his bowl of partially eaten porridge in the other hand. His appetite had been dashed so he tucked his shoes under his good arm and spooned the slop onto the ground in the sand before turning to trail behind her.

She stopped by the main fire, where a few of the caravan goers were huddled around speaking idly and quietly. A few shifted their eyes to the couple but said nothing. Noah looked for Aimee and couldn’t find her, coming to stand close behind Elann as she warmed herself in the radiating heat of the fire. He met the eyes of the woman who approached Elann, the one who had said she was glad to see Noah on his feet. They exchanged a small smile, though the women was probably none the wiser to any plight that may have happened between the couple since Noah displayed the same face he always did to the various caravan goers.

Noah also saw Alena sitting in her father’s lap. They waved to one another before the movement of another woman caught Noah’s eyes. She came to the couple, standing in front of Elann but looking at Noah. In the crook of her arm were a stack of bowls, the uppermost bowl filled with the collected wooden cutlery. He looked at her blankly, not understanding that she wanted his bowl until she nodded towards his hand holding it. He reached past Elann’s shoulder and gave it to the woman, hushedly saying a thank you.

It was growing further into nighttime and the temperature was dropping, but not as low as days before despite the rain. Humidity clung in the air and clouds clung in the sky. It would not rain again, Noah knew, but heard a man speaking to perhaps a friend about it, forecasting with confidence.

He moved up to Elann’s side, kind of leaning towards her for safety as he bent down to put on his shoes, precariously balancing on one foot at a time as he slipped them on. He stood again and looked over to her, studying her and the way her hair fell in that moment. The wind rushed up from behind her, blowing her strands over the lower part of her face, obscuring her face and mouth before it resettled. He didn’t hesitate to reach into her space and move her hair behind her ear, something he had not done for a while but used to do frequently when they were in Syliras. His eyes went over her features as the moon struggled to shine through a thin sheet of clouds above, disappearing again in the next moment as the weather front continued to move on above them.

Noah looked back towards the fire and those gathered, staying beside Elann for the moment and not moving elsewhere. He wanted to give Emery the gold in his pocket, a few coins he took from the chest, but the doctor was with his family and Noah didn’t want to interrupt. He held his peace, figuring it would not matter when he gave Emery the gold he believed the doctor deserved. He was standing there listlessly, no overtly yearning for any one thing but floating in the diminishing mood of the night. The fire was warm on his front and Elann prevented the chilled air from reaching one of his sides, he was rather content in the moment as he sorted through his thoughts still, what few were still lingering.

“Are you tired?” he asked Elann, the answer judging what else would be done with the night they had. Unlike him, she had not slept and napped during the day, unless he missed it.

Journey to the East

He felt as if she was being condescending. He knew he could not feel her sadness, and it was one of the variables which confused him. She went on still, despite his disregard and silence, pointing out how she didn't feel he listened to her. She may have apologized for not listening before but it didn't feel as if she had changed anything, hence him telling her not to apologize, nothing changed.

She was at fault for a lot in the past, he felt. Perhaps he was biased against her, seeing a lot of what she did as encouraging changes he didn't want to make. Instead of leaving things alone she kept prodding and picking and prying, much to his dismay.

“Because of how you phrased it,” he answered. “You made it appear that way, regardless of what you said to change how you said it. It was how you said it that time, that's why.”

He shrugged. He still didn't want to talk to her on the matter and wanted her to drop it. Above all he wanted to walk away him and to be alone, but that was frowned upon by her, as was anything else he did in search of solitary solace.

“I won't worship Yahal, that's my choice. I accept that you will do whatever, I don't care. Are we done?”

Journey to the East

“Sad, probably,” he answered.

That’s all he had to say. He felt he wasn’t allowed to be frustrated or angry when she didn’t seem to listen to his words. Their last argument started off in the same manner, calm. He only got angry when she wasn’t hearing what he was saying, picking apart his argument in ways that deflected blame to other things but herself, as if he hadn’t considered the other things either. He wasn’t allowed to speak bluntly, he wasn’t allowed to be angry with her otherwise she would take it to offense. It was not his intention, whether she knew it or not, but instead of showing understanding, she showed something else.

It was wasted breath speaking in defense of himself, in rebuttal. Anything he said was deflected elsewhere or back onto him, it was his fault for this or that, but not her own. It was his fault he failed to keep his cool against her deflective arguments, that’s all it sounded like after so long. Arguments were not fair to him and his inhumanity.

Noah took a breath to ease his mind, ran a hand through his hair, anything to alleviate the tension in his own being. It wasn’t just the tension in his being he sought to calm, but the growing tension in the air around them and in the winds. No strong gusts had burst through the clearing at them, but his growing unease and shifting depressive state threw the sylphs into confusion.

Journey to the East

Instead of answering any of his questions that were posed in total seriousness, begging for an answer, she addressed the topic of Yahal and conceded it was a hard one that she was attempting to explain to him. His questions felt ignored. The conversation, to him, wasn’t about Yahal any longer, and he wanted his questions answered. As it were, they weren’t.

Noah waved a hand in a dismissive gesture, letting it come back down into his lap. He had nothing to say on the matter any longer. He heard her arguments and explanations, rebutted what she was wrong about in the wild, what she was assuming, and asked his own questions on her behavior when they had conversations of any seriousness. The questions weren’t answered, so he left it alone.

“Don’t apologize,” he told her. “It’s fine.”

Journey to the East

“It makes sense when I think you are wrong,” he said. “Why do you think it is a choice to be stressed or hurt? I don’t think you are hurting me with you words, you are hurting me with your words. Why is it so absurd for me, when you do the same thing?

“I don’t care if you talk about Yahal, I don’t dislike it, I don’t care about it. The way you said the sentence is what I have a problem with. The way you said it made it seem it was either one or the other, as if you did care. That was what I had a problem with.

“I also have a problem with you speaking about things you don’t understand. You assume these things about my sister, about the wild, as if you’ve known them your entire life when you haven’t. If you did, you would know that predators don’t need a reason to kill; cats will kill and not eat, so will dogs and wolves. Some animals kill much more than they will eat, leaving it there. Wolves will turn on their packs, breaking the rule of faithfulness. There are lone wolves, animals who are only faithful to themselves.

“Why doesn’t it make sense for me to be hurt by your words, yet make sense for you to be hurt by mine when you misunderstand them? I didn’t say you were attempting to villainize me until you kept making the entire argument about you when that wasn’t what it was about at all. This is not simple to me, this is complicated. Instead of seeing that, you make the assumption that it is simple for me, but I told you I was confused.

“Arguing with you is impossible, you hardly ever see my points in favor for arguing your own, and when it it starts to be about something you don’t like, you play like the victim when I never attack you. I talk about our argument, what we are discussing, you make everything personal to you when it does not have to be. It is annoying. There is no point in fighting with you because I will never win. I refuse to discuss anything else with you that I don’t understand.”

Journey to the East

“You said I am free to not care about him, but you also said in order to accept that and love you, I have to love him. Isn’t that what you said?” he asked in quiet reply.

“I am not acting like you are a vicious lady, I am acting like you hurt my feelings because you did.”

He took a breath and shrugged his shoulders. “Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. I am sorry for making you feel like a ‘vicious lady’ and misunderstanding. I’m sorry for disturbing the peace, I didn’t mean to.”

Noah could sense her piquing annoyance, further disheartening him from continuing his own argument. There was a lot on his mind in rebuttal to what Elann said, but she turned it into a topic about herself. It hurt her feelings that he turned away from her, yet he had not disengaged from the conversation like he would before. Sticking around to actually attempt to have a conversation, regardless of his discomfort was majorly different from his usual flighty nature. She thought the conversation simple when he didn’t, it was complex and convoluted, speaking in overarching religion, a subject that was hard for him to navigate as it were. She presented him with an ultimatum, seemingly backing him into a corner. She said with confidence that she was not hurting him, even though he felt as if she was, saying that any hurt and stress he was feeling was not her doing. The Kelvic was at a total loss with which way to go.

Noah stood up, turned, and approached her again, not making eye contact but moving to sit beside the boulder. He moved because she said she was hurt by his disconnection. He didn’t know what else to be but apologetic in the moment, despite his unwant to be there.

Based of her explanation of the wild, something she knew very little about in comparison to him, he felt as if he was truly impure. Noah had killed many animals without needing reason, even while in a relationship with her. He was not the only predator to do so either, thus he knew she was wrong in that regard, but felt trapped and silenced by her turning the conversation on its head. He did not feel as if he was given the chance to cement the fact that Yahal’s tenets of purity and faithfulness applied to the wild world, to the predatory nature.

Journey to the East

“I did, a while ago,” he said about Yahal being forced on him. She was persistent and had seemed as if she was pressing it in the past. She didn’t do it any longer but he had not forgotten what he felt like, how he felt lost and lesser because he didn’t understand what she did. It feeling had passed since then, it had been forgiven and nearly forgotten until she brought it up again. Forgiveness had not been retracted, but memories were refreshed.

Her words sounded like an ultimatum, telling him to love Yahal regardless of if he agreed with what the god stood for, saying that in order to love her for something he didn’t agree with he had to love Yahal too. She didn’t have her eyes on him either, looking at the river.

“I said I am glad he makes you happy, I am glad he protects and comforts you. I do not have to love him like you, and you do not have to love Zulrav. I don’t care if you like Zulrav or not, Zulrav will protect you because I love you and you are my bondmate, you are a part of me and he understands that. He doesn’t ask me to tell you to love Him, he doesn’t care. I appreciate Yahal for you...”

Elann’s words hurt him, and that hurt permeated through their bond. Like an animal, he wanted to defend himself because pain had been inflicted on him, unexpectedly. He could have raised his voice, used the same harsh tone as before in their last argument, but he didn’t. His last statement trailed off, he had more to say but not the will to say it for fear it would erupt into something else.

Noah turned fully towards the water and slowly sat down cross-leggedly. He ran a hand through his hair, holding it over the nape of his neck and rubbing in stress. His chin rested in his other hand, propped up on his elbow. Appreciating Yahal didn’t appear to be enough, it was extremely disheartening to him.

Journey to the East

Noah nodded at her statement. There were a few things she had said in the past that were misrepresentations of Zulrav, the wary warning glance he had given her earlier was the first action he made in an attempt to correct her. He didn’t necessarily share her viewpoint or agree with what she thought pertaining to people perhaps using love and care in their lives. Unlike her, he didn’t think all people deserved it. At times he didn’t think himself deserving of her nearly overwhelming amounts of love and care for him, especially in times when he faulted himself for wrongdoings. She brought up the bear and he looked away from her.

“It all,” he answered. “Purity and faithfulness, they have no place out here,” he gestured to the woods. “They’re for people, for you and the Benshira, the Syliran Knights, humans. It doesn’t make sense out here.” Noah shrugged, looking at her again. “It’s not a bad thing, I am glad Yahal makes you happy and is there for your people, for other people, I just don’t... care for him or his domain.”

Yahal was seemingly all influencing, using things and people for the benefit of those who followed him while those he used were apparently none the wiser, like Noah. The Kelvic did not feel as if Zulrav used him for anything; there were no overarching commands, nothing pressuring the Kelvic to follow some divine message. Zulrav asked for loyalty and respect, showing the same to those who followed him, who were much much fewer than those who followed Yahal.

It wasn’t ‘their’ life Yahal was invading, but Noah’s. Clearly Yahal wasn’t seen as an invasion into Elann’s life, she had been raised on the Penita scrolls in the desert, apparently worshipping Yahal as if he was the sun itself. Noah was born and raised into no such thing, the gods weren’t imperative to his family’s life, they weren’t needed to survive because the Kelvics were equipped with everything needed to make their own way. Noah’s devoutness to Zulrav wasn’t needed either, it was a choice he made because he spent a great deal of time in the god’s domain, he learned to appreciate the territory he once trespassed on.

Journey to the East

Noah returned Elann’s smile softly, a quick flex of his lips to show her words held some weight. He was glad to hear he didn't offend her, though it wasn't the word he was searching for, it was the first one that came to mind. He didn't mean to ruin her intentionally romantic gesture by isolating them from the rest of the caravan, he appreciated it nonetheless. As she knew, he liked his isolation and to be alone, he was never lonely, not with her, not with himself.

As it were, she persisted with the topic, asking why he felt the need to apologize and what was on his mind. He shrugged.

“I don't like when people misunderstand Zulrav, so I wasn't sure if you would find it offensive as well,” he said. What he meant was he didn't like when people questioned what they didn't understand about Zulrav.

“My mind is filled with thoughts on your god, you've answered my questions,” he went. “I'm not sure if I... agree with him, Yahal.”

He looked at her warily again, unsure how she would take the truth of his words. He had shown interest in her god enough to sit through recitations of the Penita scrolls, they helped him deduce if Yahal was a being he could follow in full faithfulness. Ultimately, he didn't feel he could, and he wanted to reveal that to her sooner rather than later. He was not averse to Yahal, he didn't want her to take it that way. It was simple in his mind, but he knew their sights and ways of thinking differed.