jakob

city’s your playground | b&r

Naturally, Ryan was uncomfortable. He already was in most, if not all social situations, but this one was sort of forced upon him, and Gabe and himself were totally out of balance. Not just, like, class-wise; at this point Ryan was used to being less wealthy and powerful than the people he was around anyway. More in the aspect of personality, though, Gabe was of the same caliber as Brendon, and the only thing Ryan knew to do around people like that was try and control them or water them down. Which was probably why his very misguided instinct with Gabe was to make sure they were even allowed to be here in the first place. He figured the best way to navigate this situation would probably just be to keep whatever the incoming conversation was short, rush out the door quickly, maybe call Brendon somewhere along the way to let him know someone was in his house.

Fantastico. Sit down? Ryan didn't comply for a second, looking where Gabe had gestured but not quite registering. Eventually he moved hesitantly over, tracing a tiny design on the headrest while he waffled about before dropping into the seat. Rather than mirroring Gabe's aristocratic pose in their spot, he shrunk himself down, pulling his hands together in his lap and keeping both feet planted on the floor. No, he doesn’t know I’m talking to you. Actually, he most likely wouldn’t want me to. I have a history of, like, scaring away his potential hookups. Ryan tilted his head questioningly, wondering what Gabe knew - and if they knew, who else did? Was Brendon waving the affair around openly while Ryan tortured himself over it? Well, if Gabe was comfortable enough with Brendon to just pop up in his home like this, then it probably just meant he finally had a friend close enough to talk to about these things. Ryan supposed he was glad for that fact, but a little unsettled over it coming back to him like this.

Ryan addressing the elephant in the room of Gabe being here technically uninvited went over surprisingly well - on the surface. He thought he was in the clear until they spoke. Breaking his instruments- a lesser evil than, maybe, his heart. Ryan furrowed his brow, even more confused now. So were they actually told about what was going on, or did Brendon, maybe, say something else Ryan didn't know himself? If Gabe was afraid of Brendon's heart being broken, maybe they thought he was sacrificing it in the first place; as in, Brendon had told them he liked Ryan back, or something. The slim possibility in itself was enough to make Ryan's heart race a little, but as of right now, the only certain thing was that Gabe, for whatever reason, thought he might hurt Brendon. Which was about the furthest thing from his real intentions as it could get. Since it seemed like they weren't quite done anyway, Ryan withheld any argument, pursing his lips and shaking his head slightly at the implication he'd ever do that to Brendon.

I’ll cut to the chase, Ryan. I know you and Brendon are, whatever, sleeping together- Notice the present tense. Oh. So there, that's what had gotten out. Ryan bowed his head and placed his chin in his hand, staring at the floor. That doesn’t usually happen with Brendon. It really, really didn't. It might've been a flattering statement if Ryan hadn't already convinced himself that the only reason they were still doing this was because Brendon didn't feel like firing him just yet. It was only a matter of time - the affair was to keep Ryan from overreacting again, he supposed. So you must be doing something right to cancel out how much of a self-righteous asshole you’ve apparently been. I want to know what that is. Ryan instantly looked affronted, despite his knack for hiding his true feelings about whatever. "You've got it all wrong. Trust me."

Ryan drew his hand over his face, figuring he could leave it at that since this was his and Brendon's business and not Gabe's, but the impulse to just talk it all through was overwhelming. After all, he'd kept it entirely to himself anyway. After a moment it apparently became too much to just keep this to himself, and he had to actually answer. "That's not - I wasn't trying to be self-righteous, or an asshole, you have to believe me. I just... I just want him to be okay, and watching him come home with people who don't give a shit about him night after night, that's..." Ryan shrugged, looking off to the window, and really hoped this wasn't something Brendon would hear later. He'd got enough of it, anyway. "I know he says he doesn't need anyone, or whatever. It just seems like... such an empty life. Coming home with strangers every night, then waking up to an empty bed and resetting the cycle. And he deserves better."

After a pause, Ryan realised that that was definitely provocation for another smart response, and he put a hand up briefly. "I know, that's not necessarily me, just. I dunno, I'd even be happy to see him... find someone else, maybe. Anything's better than what he was doing." There. He'd said, like, one percent of what he'd always wanted to. And sure, some regret was settling in because he didn't quite trust Gabe, but whatever. At least the gist of it was all out.

only for tonight | b&r

Very, darlin’. Ryan could've died. Darlin'. He'd had more heart beats in the past twenty-four hours than he'd had his whole life. Oh, by the way, uh. You’ve got hickeys. You’re welcome. Ryan looked at him curiously then turned to the mirror on the wall Brendon was so often occupied with, stretching up just enough to see the bruises in question. He placed his fingertips over them lightly, like he was painting the colours himself, and remembered every sensation all at once. His expression softened without his conscious control, smiling a little at the thought that Brendon would be with him even when he wasn't really there because of these. And, sure, hickeys were trashy, but he kind of adored how they looked on him when Brendon was responsible. Ryan relaxed, dropping his gaze from the mirror and smiling down at his hands while he tried to at least look distracted.

Ryan had a knack for ruining moments like that in record speed, however, and this was exactly what he did. How is it not? If you actually cared so much about my safety or integrity or whatever, you wouldn’t have, y’know, fucked me last night. Ryan's brow furrowed, utterly confused by how they could be on such different pages here. Then, his input wasn't really invited in the first place, so it's not like they'd ever been on the same track. The only reason you’re saying that is you’re disappointed I didn’t intend for us to cook breakfast in our underwear or whatever bullshit fantasy you’re playing out in your mind. Embarrassed, Ryan's face flushed slightly, and he shook his head dismissively. "No, Brendon. I do care. I just don't intend on hurting you, so I didn't think I was infringing on your safety or integrity or whatever. Can't say the same for everyone else who ends up here." It was a little late for that, though, because he evidently already had hurt Brendon without meaning to.

The worst part was, he'd probably been one of the few people Brendon didn't think would ever do that. Ryan felt a wave of frustration with himself before shaking it off, focusing on the situation at hand. "And - and that's not my fantasy, don't be so goddamn arrogant." Although Brendon had a fair point. Ryan was a little bit of a fairytale writer in his head. Ryan, I called you at 3 in the morning because I intended on sleeping with you. Ryan paused, blinking at him, expression gone blank. It’s not a difficult leap. It could have been practically anyone else- you were at the top of my recent contact list. Anyone else. The mental fairytale was dead by now, they were just beating it with sticks. Ryan opened his mouth as if to respond but immediately closed it again, at a loss. "Okay, well," he said softly, hesitant. "I'm sorry it wasn't someone better, then." He really needed to get home.

Ryan watched him chug down wine, trying to conceal the worry on his otherwise tired face. Sometimes he really hated that Brendon drank when he wasn't just partying - and this time Ryan was the cause. I keep myself fulfilled, Ryan. Ryan followed his gesture and frowned, bowing his shaking head. Material pleasure is fulfilling for me. Last night was a handy refill. "Glad I'm convenient enough for you," he said calculatedly, knowing all of this was way too guilt-trippy when Brendon was probably not knowingly toying with his feelings and it was just his routine, but. It was all unfamiliar territory for Ryan, too, and half the things coming out of his mouth had little thought behind them. He turned to watch as Brendon returned to his bed, clearly already exhausted by the day's events so early on.

You don’t have to worry, Ryan. I’m not your boyfriend and I never will be. Ryan stared at him, stunned by how quickly he'd known, and also by how much he didn't care at all how Ryan felt. He'd maybe appreciated having been rejected more carefully. No such luck. Anyway, the statement itself was nothing to be mad about; Ryan hadn't asked or anything, but it was Brendon's choice nevertheless. He was just let down by how Brendon was acting about it. You just have to do what I tell you to do- and I’m asking you, no, telling you, to get the fuck out. I’m not going to fire you, but I might kill you. "You have about as much compassion as a brick fucking wall, you know," Ryan mumbled, feeling silly saying all of this while still looking like he was caught in the midst of a walk of shame. "Fine. I'll go. Next time you could let someone down easy. Just saying." He took his sweet time walking to the door, checking his pockets along the way to ensure all was there. "I know you're not familiar with the concept of, like, friendship, but I'm still going to worry even if I'm not your boyfriend. Thought I should clue you in." And he still cared despite the arguing, but it was kinda bad timing to admit that.

city’s your playground | b&r

It had been a couple of months, give or take, since Ryan initially gave in to Brendon's advances, and they'd somewhat returned to normalcy. For a while it was unbelievably awkward, because Ryan had blown up at Brendon the morning after and then was obviously ten times more timid around him for weeks afterward, but recently he'd been getting better at hiding how it all affected him. Hell, he was still sleeping with him whenever he got the chance, so clearly it wasn't that big of a deal. It's just that he was having trouble squashing his feelings entirely even now that he knew the possibility that Brendon might like him back, or eventually feel the same way, was incredibly slim. It wasn't just the fact that that was how Brendon naturally was, but also Ryan likely ruined his chances by the way he'd acted originally.

It'd been impulse to jump on Brendon about his emotional unavailability. Impulse, and completely not his business. Fair to say that anything and everything involving Brendon was his business given his still relatively new job, but Brendon was allowed to have his own thoughts and feelings and opinions, and if he didn't want to stick with anyone let alone Ryan, then that made sense. It was up to him - and not just one reckless night between a boss and employee. That's what they were, ultimately, and Ryan had to stop pretending they were anything else, or could be anything else. Ever since what he now called - in his head, since he was too embarrassed about his reaction to talk about it - The Incident, Ryan had been working on ignoring everything or otherwise trying to turn every romantic thought that crossed his mind into a platonic one.

If Brendon smiled, for example, and Ryan felt his whole world light up as a result, it was definitely just 'cause Brendon had become his closest friend and not because he harbored any sort of infatuation for him. If he felt the urge to kiss him out of nowhere or as a result of him doing something Ryan thought was cute, well. They were sleeping together. That wasn't platonic, necessarily, but it was certainly a reason he got such strong swayings on occasion. And the fact that he was never annoyed by any kind of ridiculous request, was actually happy to do whatever for him; Ryan explained that away by his just being a good employee. When Brendon asked him to pick up yet another bunch of suits that cost more than Ryan was worth he really had no issue - just some concern for how Brendon's bank account would feel about it, despite his knowing that Brendon would certainly be fine regardless.

Anyway. Ryan went to do that. The family had a stylist in Beverly Hills, and because he wasn't fond of any task that involved adventuring around Los Angeles, Ryan rushed through it, retrieving Brendon's suits and hanging them up on the hook above his window when he returned to his car. At least he knew Brendon was out today, scheduled to meet with someone (Ryan rarely knew who these days, since he always mentally bristled at the mention of dates now), so with that comfort in mind he hooked the suits over his hand and went up to Brendon's penthouse. He stopped at the door, uncertain, when he heard the sound of someone inside, the picking of guitar strings and footsteps. Didn't sound like two people, or even like Brendon. Had it been Brendon he'd be in the middle of a whole song. Ryan chewed his lower lip tentatively and then bit the bullet, pulling his spare key and opening the door.

Lo and behold, there was already someone there, and so many guitars lined along the walls had curled up broken strings that Ryan suspected there'd been a break-in. His free hand reflexively went to his pocket for his phone to, like, call the police or whatever, and then he realized the person leaned up against Brendon's furniture was a familiar face. Ryan paused, recalibrating before he slowly stepped forward and hung the suits up on the door's back hook. This was one of Brendon's friends. Ryan had maybe seen them in person once or twice, but only across the room of a club where he had to monitor Brendon from a distance, or something. On the other hand, he'd seen them in covers of magazines or in web articles or on the Snapchat explore page countless of times, for as much reason as Brendon had to be listed on those places: none. Well, nothing except for the fact that they were the spawn of people with accomplishments and accumulated wealth.

Ryan liked them because there was nothing not to like. Realistically he probably shouldn't even have an opinion formed on someone who didn't produce any content other than their own face in photoshoots, or whatever, but. They just seemed... charismatic and charming, much like Brendon was. Made sense that they were friends - and it made the fact that they were here in an apartment that wasn't theirs much less worrying. Hola. Ryan remembered to smile, so he did, albeit nervously. "Hi," he replied tentatively, his voice soft without meaning for it to be. He was caught way off-guard. Gabriel, amigo. Well, he knew that. Ryan had become something of a social media celebrity guru ever since he started working for one. He nodded silently, rendered sort of speechless by the surprise. Ryan, right? Come, shut the door. We have a lot to talk about.

Bewildered, Ryan obediently closed the door behind him before he actually thought about it. Wow - maybe he was just used to taking orders now. Or Gabriel here had that effect on everyone. "Right, yeah, it's Ryan," he answered belatedly, moving closer slowly but remaining on the other end of the sofa Gabe had so elegantly draped themself up against. With a martini, no less. Ryan could only dream of hosting a break-in so classy. "Um - like what? Did Brendon ask you to talk to me?" Ryan had a brief moment of panic in which he considered maybe Brendon was sending someone to fire Ryan for him. That way he wouldn't have to hear Ryan's arguing or see his face when it happened. But, really, things had gotten better, so there was no reason for him to get cut off... especially when Ryan was the only one who had the guts to instruct the barista through Brendon's exact coffee order, real control freak style. In Brendon's words, it's 'cause he's a Virgo.

"And does he know you're here? I don't think... I mean, it's nice to meet you and all, I've heard a lot of great things, but I'm not sure if you should... be here. Without him. Breaking stuff." Another super fun Virgo skill - knowing when things are out of place instantly. The guitar strings, the vermouth way out of its spot on the bar, the olive jar still open, etc. He was out on a limb talking to Gabe like that, especially considering Gabe was taller than him and about as gorgeous and powerful as Brendon, but. Ryan had sorta learned not to give a shit in every respect except for socially.

i'm just taking in the scenery || b&r

A natural overthinker anyway, Ryan had, of course, considered where this relationship might be leading. What was more bizarre was the fact that he'd thought about it much, much more in the beginning, when he really shouldn't have been entertaining such fantasies so early on... and then over time he convinced himself to calm down about it all, that he'd just freak out Brendon if he ever figured out how much Ryan dreamt about them in some 'domestic bliss' situation. It didn't bother him to keep it to himself, anyway - 'cause everyone else waited way longer, right? So if everyone else was spending, like, five years or more to get married, then he could wait that long. Maybe. Some days he got a little antsy about the matter, tired of saying 'boyfriend' when he could be saying 'fiance' or 'husband.' Or he saw a ring in a window and had to resist the urge to buy it, or a picture of the perfect wedding venue... yeah, best to keep that all to himself.

The picture in his head was more than just all of that, though. The legalities of it all, without being objectively romantic, sure, but they were unifying anyway, renting an apartment together and sharing a post code and joining bank accounts, all that boring adult shit he'd never seen himself doing. The difference was that now he trusted someone - now he wanted to be with someone forever, and Brendon was somehow that person despite being the craziest motherfucker he'd ever met. Endearingly so, at least. Those things aside, he just knew he'd be more secure in having that written bond with Brendon beyond their current promise to each other. Which was, admittedly, basically law to him, but still - they'd started with an impulse kiss and Ryan awkwardly asking if he could call Brendon his boyfriend now. Yeah, one of them asking the other to marry them in some extravagant display (or not-so-extravagant - Ryan wasn't picky) was probably better than that.

Thankfully, Brendon never made fun of how dumb Ryan tended to be, including whenever he repeated the same obvious observation five hundred times (but he was still in shock over the anniversary of his most successful relationship). Yeah. Crazy, right? His gaze shifted briefly over, studying the way Brendon looked propped up on his elbows, somehow modelesque without trying. Didn't even matter that he provided an equally uninteresting response. I know how you feel. Ryan smiled to himself while Brendon turned towards him, attention moving back to the sky, his expression far calmer. Imagine if I’d been a terrible singer- Then you wouldn’t have wanted to see me that night. This would never have happened. "Hey, that's -" Ryan paused. All right, so Brendon was cute and he'd totally check him out if he'd only just seen him at the meet and greet or whatever, but the only reason he'd violated his own 'no dating fans' rule was 'cause Brendon got into the band first anyway.

Ryan arched an eyebrow, caving. "'kay, you're right. Damn, the universe was really looking out for us." And had been all along. Althought that sort of implied Gabe was a force of the universe... well, that wasn't wrong, either. Yeah, happy anniversary. Here’s to another- I don’t know, forever? Ryan laughed softly, pure enthusiasm, and raised the neck of his guitar slightly as if it was a drink he was preparing to clink against Brendon's. Moments later, Brendon was leaning over him, and Ryan had to suppress a grin while Brendon's fingers drew through his hair just in case it could interrupt a long-awaited kiss. Miraculously he didn't, naturally pressing his hand gently against Brendon's chest when their lips met and he remained hovering above Ryan.

Baby, can I play your guitar? At the initial sing-song, Ryan's eyes rolled a little at his expert level schmoozing but he still loosened his grip on his guitar anyway. Ryan may be possessive over this one in particular, but Brendon could take his life savings for all he cared. Still, though, part of him was still reluctant from how beyond attached he was to it, and he couldn't quite pry his fingertips off the strings - or hide the twinge of worry he accidentally conveyed. Brendon kissed him again and he melted into it, barely noticing when the instrument was pulled from his hands. "Sneaky," he accused softly, muffled against his lips, but didn't protest. Don’t worry, I’ll be careful. Ryan reached up to brush the pad of his thumb over Brendon's chin just as he bit his lip, evidently caught in thought, and conveniently forgot all about his concerns.

Ryan was watching him instead of the stars now, a small smile stuck to his face while he tuned away. You remind me of a former love that I once knew... "And you carry a little piece with you," he sang quietly, less tunefully and more like he was half-speaking. Anyway, seemed like Brendon wasn't all that committed to the song, judging by the gradually slower instrumental. Truthfully he was pretty distracted, only joining in out of reflex; his hand was drifting through Brendon's hair at this point, really just brushing flyaways down and smoothing down the little hairs framing Brendon's face endearingly. "Never heard this song before." Ryan laughed a bit, his hand dropping and gaze shifting back to the sky above.

i'm just taking in the scenery || b&r

To a lot of people, 4 years wasn't much. And it kind of wasn't, but Brendon and Ryan took forever for every aspect of their relationship, so the four years actually together and in an established romance felt like something lifelong. In all fairness, Ryan had already felt like he'd known Brendon forever, like, three months into their initial friendship anyway, so maybe it was just the fact that they clicked so easily that erased any life without him. Regardless it seemed like they were invincible now, like no trouble could come to them the way it came to other people. Other couples cheated or lied or got bored of each other. On the contrary, some days, Ryan didn't want to sleep, 'cause more time awake meant more time with Brendon. So he was virtually the same as he was when he first met Brendon.

That said, they were invincible now rather than always just because things weren't always perfect. First there was the issue of struggling to tell everyone/not tell everyone when they finally did end up together after eight months of skirting around each other as carefully as possible. Then, and far worse, they split up; both of them, so young, were naturally afraid of the commitment that came with dating someone they were so indescribably in love with, but Brendon was the one to break it off. Thankfully it took a very small amount of time for both of them to realize that was such a silly fear to have, and Gabe Carrasco masterminded the two of them conveniently being thrown into the same party. Which Ryan of course still thanked him for to this day - God knows he'd never have gathered up the courage himself to call Brendon after convincing himself that he really wouldn't want to get back together. Then four years would never have happened.

It was really their biggest obstacle thus far. You'd have thought the band's split would've affected them, too; as a matter of fact, Ryan came to terms with it fairly easily. Why be mad? Their music tastes were changing, and all of them - even some fans - knew it. And it's not like they could grow apart so easily, like other groups had been prone to do. Spencer was his closest and longest term friendship, they barely lived a neighborhood away to this day. Jon seconded that, and expressed a desire to join him on whatever his next musical endeavor was. And, of course, he was dating Brendon, planning to do so for as long as he could - no doubt making more music together would come with that. The split wasn't even definite, anyway, in that everyone would be in the touring band - it's just that they wouldn't all be making the music itself. Nothing wrong with a little more freedom.

Aside from the setbacks and not-so-setbacks, life was ideal. Brendon had changed him into someone he never thought he'd be. When Ryan was just getting big and he was leaping between girlfriends (or, for a while there, one girlfriend who threw him for a loop every now and then and he did the same right back), he didn't see himself staying with someone in a stable affair for longer than half a year. He didn't see himself falling asleep in the same bed with the same person every night with assigned 'sides' each. He didn't think he'd ever have someone on his mind constantly, every decision made based around whether or not he would be able to keep Brendon in his life at the same level or higher. And he especially didn't expect to ever move in with someone, share all his belongings and all his space and his memories and his love, celebrating anniversary after anniversary and spending holidays with Brendon and getting dogs that were both equally theirs. God, life was weird now. Weird and wonderful.

Safe to say, then, that he'd never been happier, and when Brendon mysteriously took him on a drive just before their four year anniversary that involved a lot of familiar sights, he knew he was in for a trip to the famed cabin they'd shared their first kiss at. He could still remember it so clearly. Brendon showing him a song that coincidentally almost mirrored their situation, then the move to take off his glasses that turned into an empassioned kiss in the rain, and - most importantly, Ryan thought - the 'I think I'm in love with you.' When he later shrilly told the whole story to Spencer, a la 80's teen movie best friends on cord phones, Spencer told him it was 'so unprofessional' and he was 'totally making a mistake' and 'this could cost us the band, you know,' but also 'that's super fucking cute, you deserve each other.' Anyway he was right about it being unprofessional, but very wrong about the 'mistake' part. And the band ended for other reasons, so ha.

This time at the cabin it was just them, though, and there was no work to be done, so this were much more carefree. The songs they played together were played for fun, purely for the sound, and they weren't stressing over deadlines or the presence of other bandmates who might 'catch' them. The one day they'd already spent was mostly by the lake they'd first kissed at, either sharing the same affection or on their respective guitars, or inside curled together on the couch while the night temperature gradually dropped. After spending the past few months of Brendon and Spencer having to run around talking about the split (and trying to change the topic back to something more important, like their upcoming music) and Ryan and Jon building schedules around their limited studio time, the break was welcome. Well, it always would've been; as a matter of fact most of what Ryan did now was geared towards the ultimate goal of being able to spend all his time in a place like this with Brendon.

It was their second day, evening and alit only by the light of the moon and more visible rural stars. Ryan was lazily laid out on the grass, knees up and guitar on his chest and fingers strumming absently every now and then, with Brendon a little ways away, only just close enough to feel his presence close by. "Four years," he mumbled to the sky over the gentle sound of his guitar, probably the 500th time he'd said it since they got here. "You know, it's just you. I would never have done this, not with anyone but you." He smiled distantly, gaze still fixed on an array of stars above. He turned his head to look at Brendon, fingers slowing on the strings, and repeated another phrase he'd probably said way too much already: "Happy anniversary, baby. And happy anniversary of Holy Spaces, I guess."

only for tonight | b&r

Easier. It took me less than twenty minutes to seduce you. It took five minutes or less of flirting to get you quite easily into my bed. If Ryan had somehow been naïve enough not to know already that Brendon's initial invitation had an ulterior motive behind it, this just confirmed it. He sounded like he scored a point on a video game, or something. Ryan would probably be angrier about it if he wasn't still feeling lucky as hell to even have surpassed the platonic/"business casual" phase, although it wasn't quite his dream of being in something closer to a romantic relationship with Brendon. And that, conveniently enough, was the exact reason that it took less than twenty minutes to seduce him, and five minutes or less to get him into bed. Typically Ryan would prefer not to entertain either of those things, so Brendon certainly had a unique effect.

Ryan was pretty pleased with the fact that he could finally muster up the boldness to actually garner a genuine reaction from Brendon. Usually it was something Brendon clearly had to make an effort to respond to - 'cause he was either too boring or Brendon was that detached - but in this case he got a laugh, affronted. Yeah, Whatever. You did that time. Ryan paused, contemplating this, and determined that it was so incredibly unlikely a premise that Brendon must be joking. When he saw Brendon's distinguished smile his suspicions were confirmed and he returned the same little grin, what was originally just a dumb dirty joke having become this bizarre shared moment. To him, anyway. Maybe he was just reading in too much to the different 'look' to Brendon's expression, or something. It was nice to entertain these silly passing fantasies, anyhow.

Brendon was quickly back to acting however it could be deemed when he pretended Ryan retrieving his suit and thusly naturally being the first to see him in it was some sort of glory to be thankful for. Which, okay, Ryan was actually a little bit enthusiastic about, but he'd admit that when he was cold and dead. He had good reason - not just his laughable infatuation, but Brendon wore any suit like it was made for him exclusively. So, a new one was a pretty exciting event. Yes. It’s an even more exclusive list than ‘people who have seen me naked’, or ‘people who know my middle name’. Saying that, the first one is actually not that exclusive. Ryan looked dubious of 'the first one' in question before Brendon even corrected himself. He grinned lopsidedly at the clarification, shaking his head at his buttons to portray his (joking, as far as he wanted Brendon to know) disapproval.

You’ll be on two out of three of those lists. No, I’m not telling you my middle name. Ryan wondered if this was a bad time to tell Brendon that he knew a lot about him that he hadn't told him firsthand, just 'cause he was apparently Brendon's biggest fan (in running with Twitter frequenters and maybe some reporters looking for a raise). Most likely. He decided to keep this information to himself, especially since Brendon was nice enough not to call him 'George' as it was written, for legal reasons unfortunately, on every paycheck. "I'm so lucky," he sighed, faux-dreamily, and tried to look unaffected, but the corner of his mouth was twitched into a tiny amused smirk.

As soon as the conversation went beyond this, though, Ryan knew he'd made a mistake. He watched Brendon's face change and vaguely wondered how much better the situation would be if he'd only left right after waking up. They'd have made up at some point, surely. Give myself away? I’m not a fucking nun, asshole! Nor have I ever been anybody’s fuckin’ property. It wasn't what he meant at all, but the miscommunication made sense considering a.) Ryan never really got anything across the way he wanted to and b.) despite thinking about these things for a considerable amount of time, he'd never intended on actually saying it aloud to be comprehensible. Save it. Jesus, what is it with you people? Has it ever occurred to any of you that maybe I don’t want or need an ‘emotional connection’? Ryan's gaze flicked around, feeling cornered after his brief courageous streak, and he figured that was a fair point. He'd just be a straight-up villain if he tried to force Brendon into feeling things he didn't. Maybe it was true that he was just immune to all the emotional intimacy cravings other people experienced - Ryan could certainly only dream of avoiding that, personally.

Holy shit, you’re the biggest fucking hypocrite I’ve ever met. Feeling small suddenly, he withered under Brendon's gaze, realizing only now the unsteady foundation he'd built his argument on and easing off as a result. It’s not safe? I shouldn’t give myself away? What are you, a priest? Maybe a little. He was about as preachy and pretentious as one. Ryan could've sighed at himself. Oh, and it’s funny how you only say that after you had sex with me. It’s only relevant when I don’t want you any more. "That's not how it is," he cut in instantly, but not loudly enough to cut Brendon off despite the pure conviction in his voice. You should know me well enough that- that I don’t- I can’t- make connections that easily. I thought you understood that. I pretty much raised myself, Ryan, I think I’m fine on my own.

Ryan stared, disbelieving, as Brendon turned away from him, but his heart sunk a little at the sight of him looking so stressed out. He'd never seen it before, actually. "It's always been relevant," he corrected belatedly, looking somewhat stunned still. "I - Brendon, you called me at three in the morning because you were alone. It's okay if you can't make the connection easily so long as you make one at all." His tone was slower, more patient, mostly because he was trying to get Brendon out of defense mode. This version of him was more than a little bit intimidating. He knew he must sound so possessive or just selfish, unintentionally making the implication that this connection be with him, but he was afraid if he talked more while trying to explain that it could be with anyone, he'd just make another point beyond messily. He was already walking a pretty thin rope, here.

It was basically nonexistent, though, once he saw the expression on Brendon's face, hurt and betrayed and nothing like what Ryan was used to seeing. If Brendon was like most other people, he could break the distance, come close and hold him flush to his own body and kiss the heartbreak away like some oversold romance novel, whatever. As it were, Ryan had already confirmed that any affection he might want so desperately to show Brendon would be automatically rejected or received with disgust. It was no fault of his own; clearly it was just the way he kept safe. Or, in Brendon's words, how he raised himself. Why? Not expecting to get to this point (but then he hadn't expected the last 24 hours at all), Ryan adopted a deer caught in headlights look, lips parting unsurely and eyes widening slightly. He racked his brain for an excuse, but came up empty-handed. "I - I don't know. Just, it'd be nice to see you... opening up, and being happy and comfortable enough with someone to do that. Fulfilled. I don't know." Now he was stammering; great. At least he could pride himself on the fact that he hadn't admitted to any stupid feelings that clearly weren't something Brendon was ready for.

He barely let a pause go by before continuing, consumed by something like guilt. "I'm sorry, it just - it didn't come out right. I didn't mean to sound like I was... judging, or whatever. I just worry, I guess," he murmured, voice quieter, because he knew it really wasn't his business to worry - except only on a professional level. But that would only be fair if he approached it professionally, too, which he definitely did not do.

I find it all so amusing || r&a

Ari was fairly used to questionable professional relationships, although they tended to be one-sided as he was more dedicated to his craft than he was to cute nurses or interested patients. He apparently had some kind of allure as an incredibly young doctor - not that he would tell anyone that he wasn't, like, some kind of exceptionally smart kid that got ahead far more quickly than his peers. The truth of the matter was that he skipped ahead by chance, did average enough in dual enrollment to shave off university time, completed residency beyond quickly, and, as a plus, had a cutoff birthday. So Ari let everyone believe he was some sort of adolescent genius with celebrity good looks when in reality he was maybe a 6/10 on all levels. See, it was pretty nice to have people idolizing you all the time for nothing.

Anyway, the point was that he never really indulged them; instead he caught on to how people acted around him, how quickly some developed a puppy crush compared to others, etc. He used the aforementioned words 'dedicated to his craft' but it really wasn't just that he was too involved with his work to consider anything; moreover he didn't have the patience to maintain something with anyone both in the workplace and outside. Sounded like a whole lot of work to care about someone 24 hours a day, no? So he dodged any advances that might come, and if he did find himself equally interested in someone, he'd developed a talent for ignoring it. Thus far in his short career, he'd successfully never given in to anything like that, and also he was a total schmooze, so basically Ari could do no wrong. Maybe some day he'd be able to avoid all on-call shifts entirely for being so basically decent - or he could dream.

But his streak wasn't doing so well these days. Ari didn't even know River existed at first. He had so many medical students or PAs or nurses swarming through his office for oversight that he couldn't give attention to one individual; that is, unless they were undeniably cute and so clumsy that they commanded attention anyway. River was like that, with golden hair that distinguished him from his peers and the sweetest face ever and he moved like Bambi learning how to walk. Really, with the way nurses had to move constantly and stay upright he should be more coordinated by now, but Ari was endeared to how stumbly River became around him nonetheless. The change happened sometime around when River simply changed his hair, moved it from his face a little more so he was no longer hiding behind a curtain as much. Ari really wasn't prepared for it at the time, and he was still caught off-guard by River sometimes so long after the fact.

It made no sense that they worked. Ari was sort of cynical, rough-spoken, with no real consideration for others unless they were talking to him out of passing. His life had to move too quickly for any of that. River, on the other hand, was so gentle and soft-spoken that Ari was fairly certain he was invisible to anyone else on the job (though maybe that was a good thing, considering he really wasn't looking to be caught in the act). Despite their differences they couldn't just cut each other off, Ari always seeming to stop him on his way out from dropping off vitals and kissing him breathless or River innocuously shutting the office door behind him when he came in during lunch hours. Ari honestly had no idea how it'd gotten this big and out of their control - then again, he did know. River was just that gorgeous. Was the risk really all that worth it? Maybe not, but. That was a concern for future him.

Maybe it would be better if either of them was just transferred to another floor. As it went now, though, Ari's office location was already well-established and he was smack-dab in pediatrics anyway, and there was no other place for River to practice that exact specialty, so. Moving was unlikely. No matter what, though, Ari was always happy to see him, so when River came in while he was sitting out his on-call yet uncalled free time, he of course turned immediately to his computer to pretend he wasn't as happy as he really was. After all, admitting to the fact that River was the most utterly charming presence he'd ever been around was pretty damn embarrassing. He scrolled absently through immunization records that'd been up in the back of his screen for a week as if it was the most interesting thing he'd ever read until he heard the familiar second door click and met River's gaze finally.

Here you go, Dr. Cola. He eyed the sheets in River's hands disinterestedly, knowing they didn't have any active patients today or else the front desk would've alerted him to it, and therefore they totally had a moment to themselves. But he could already feel the 'Cola' related tangent coming on, so he suspended any excitement, leaning back in his rolling chair to watch River. You know, one of these days, Dr. Pepper are gonna sue your whole ass name. There it was. Ari sighed, pronounced, at the same time the paperwork fell, leaning forward and taking it tiredly. "You're funny. And a broken record." Anything else, Doctor? It’s been a slow shift so far. Ari sifted through the documents, disengaged, and then set them over his keyboard before leaning back again, elbows on his chair's rests. "I'd say c'mere and kiss me, the usual, but you pushed it coming in here and being rude right away." His grin detracted from any of that sentiment, though.

Ari rolled further away from his desk, holding a hand out towards River to welcome him over. "Also, real bold of you to laugh at my name when you're River. Plenty of rivers could sue you if they wanted." Kind of weak. But this was all he could really do to semi-uphold River's interest whenever he came around. "Anyway, come here, I haven't seen you all day."

only for tonight | b&r

Ryan knew it was naïve to believe Brendon might possibly stick behind just because he asked nicely. It's not like any of this was a real reflection of Brendon's character - Ryan couldn't blame him for something he'd been used to his entire life, something that was a learned and natural behavior that he didn't know any other way to go about. That didn't mean it wasn't frustrating as all hell, though. Partially, Ryan believed he was kind of obvious enough that Brendon would just notice and take pity on his petty infatuation, or if he didn't want to, then it was pretty easy to just have rejected him before they'd slept together and saved Ryan some grief. But. That was a lot to expect of someone, really, and Ryan had never said a word about any of it - not to mention the fact that he gladly went along with the proposition the night before after a lot of waffling around.

Even so, he kept on trying, no longer all that focused on the answer and more attentive to how Brendon's face changed and his body language. Only if you’re still up for that round two. Still just seemed like he was amused by all of this. Ryan frowned at his back when he turned away, narrowing his eyes to train his gaze out the window. It was easier to try and turn sadness into anger in theory, but the more he tried, the more he realized there was really no way to put reason behind being mad at Brendon. He just kept on thinking about how he'd never had any kind of emotional ties with anyone, probably not even really his family, and so it kept on making sense why he pushed people away (even Ryan). More than anything Ryan was kind of mad at everyone and everything that played a part in making him like that.

Nah, seriously. I’m thinking about it. Why bother go out, see another person and have to go through the whole date process to get laid, when I have better and easier options? Ryan brought his attention back from the window, tilting his head curiously. "Easier?" Ryan asked, amused - completely skimming over the 'better' part - and then shrugged a little. "Guess you're right. I was here, like, twenty minutes at most, before." He smiled slightly, less uneasily, 'cause although it was embarrassing as hell and kind of hurt his pride to admit, it was getting gradually easier to take everything less seriously. And somehow the way that Brendon could approach all this semi-playfully took some of the edge off; his natural liveliness radiated off of him. Ryan wondered how genuine it was at the moment, though, if maybe he could sense the tension from Ryan himself and was impacted in some way. Probably not - Ryan had always seen him as untouchable anyhow, entirely unfazed.

Don’t get all fuckin’ shy on me now, baby. Bit late for that, right? Ryan couldn't help looking hopeful again at the use of what appeared to be his new pet name, an expectant smile touching his features uncontrollably. He bowed his head to hide what was probably the most guileless expression ever, occupying himself with redressing, because letting Brendon on to even more knowledge of the effect he had on Ryan was probably not a good idea. There was nothing to do with it, really, but he knew he'd feel an even heavier imbalance of power here if Brendon got that satisfaction while he was still stuck feeling entirely displaced. He tried to play it back regardless, his sense of humor not really up to par at the moment but engaged anyway. "Shy? I'll remind you I was the top," he said brazenly, standing straighter and arching an eyebrow at Brendon. Kind of funny to use that defense when he'd been very much the more docile of the two of them this morning, but.

As if to counter that fact, he moved forward to fix Brendon's uncharacteristic bedhead, which was very obviously not received well. Truthfully, Ryan expected nothing less; part of his approach stemmed from him just wanting to act on impulses he'd had countless times before, part was because it would definitely annoy Brendon and he couldn't come up with another way to match how irritating Brendon had been thus far. Lucky for him, Brendon didn't immediately snap - though maybe getting anger, some kind of emotion, would have been better than not. Please don’t do that again. You either pull it, or don’t touch it. No inbetween. Ryan knew the one he was looking at was a forced smile but he still grinned back, more comfortably than he ever had since he'd woken up, and returned his hand still hovering back to just briefly tug a few strands whilst replacing them, then dropping it. "Happy? I'll do better later." So it kind of hurt his chest. But he was getting better at playing along, somewhat. "Besides, I fixed it. You look cute." There's a new one - let him subsist off of 'cute' rather than other, more grandiose terms. Maybe Ryan could coax him into some sense of normalcy.

We’re going to some fancy restaurant. Disinterested - or willing himself to be disinterested, anyway - Ryan blinked and bowed his head to start buttoning his shirt, disengaged with whatever tangent Brendon may go off on. And for your information, it’s a very fucking nice suit. And you get the privilege of seeing me in it first, if you so wish. "Privilege." Ryan had just looped through the middle button when he glanced up to roll his eyes at Brendon. But he was pretty much right; Ryan would actually love that. Not that he'd admit it, anymore. Like I just said. Restaurant- remember that one where you yelled at me for spending $25 on a sandwich from the lunch menu? Ryan nodded absently, still mostly making sure he hadn't missed a button somewhere and messed up the entire arrangement. Yeah. Then, hopefully, the lucky girl will get lucky, just like you did. Although he, too, had pretty much touched every base, Ryan sort of cracked up at the words 'lucky girl,' even more amused by the thought of Brendon in any vaguely heterosexual situation than he was by Brendon's arrogance with 'just like you did.'

Don’t worry, don’t get jealous. There’s enough of me to go around, has been for years. Ryan pursed his lips and raised his chin a bit while he finished the second-to-topmost button, becoming conscious of their height difference himself when he briefly could barely keep Brendon in sight. To fix the problem he tipped a finger under Brendon's chin for half a second to encourage him looking up, bowing his head in counterpoint, and admittedly he may have lost his already thin patience a little. "'Don't get jealous,' my -" Ryan broke off, deciding he was less bothered by how Brendon's words implicated Ryan than he was by how Brendon was sort of, probably unintentionally, degrading himself. "Okay, but, you don't have to keep giving yourself away. It's not safe, first of all, and you've clearly deprived yourself of any emotional connection..." He trailed off, questioning how welcome his input was, and decided probably not at all. Too late. "And, yeah, deprived yourself. If you let anyone in then you'd know that you're -" Ryan paused again, throwing a shoulder up as if he hadn't been thinking this forever, as if it was a new passing thought. "That you're worth caring about, I guess. And not just enough to go around."

Ryan instantly felt the weight of a very poor decision and backed off after a moment of mulling it over, looking around the room. "Shit, I'll go. I'm sorry," he said with clarity, finding his coat where he'd laid it out and hanging it over his forearm. In what was evidently a rush to get the hell out of there before Brendon, like, sicked his dad on him or something, Ryan stopped, looking at him uncertainly. He didn't really wanna leave in case Brendon just spiralled because of him. "Fire me, or whatever. I just wanted to say that to you, once."

only for tonight | b&r

Ryan felt pretty stupid for joining the probably already existing, expansive group of people who fell for Brendon like this, and all of whom may have known full well that Brendon would never return their affections. Ryan certainly knew and that just made matters worse. Usually he was so good at keeping his emotions in check; he never snapped at people or showed signs of being annoyed if he was really trying not to. If he was happy about something he generally had to consciously show it, even. Somehow, Brendon managed to bring out everything, not just his fancy. Apart from making Ryan like him to such an extent, Brendon irritated him more than anyone else sometimes, made him sadder than anything through all the (few and far-between) stories about his life, occupied his thoughts, both waking and not, more than anything else. And it wouldn't bother him so much if this was something that didn't happen all the time, but Ryan suspected there were plenty of people trying to get over Brendon, even if they didn't feel what Ryan felt to quite the same depth.

He did know for sure, however, that no one had experienced the same thing, especially because the last assistant was Brendon's first assistant and Ryan already knew that they were barely even friendly with one another half the time. Plus, their situation was... unique. Ryan remembered last night just narrowly avoiding the impulse to kiss Brendon a number of different times, or trying not to look directly at him because it'd just make him want to more, and biting skin to keep from saying anything idiotic. If only part of the interview had been, like, 'will you or will you not fall in love with your employer,' or something, and then Ryan would take a moment to really examine whether he thought Brendon was that attractive beyond physically. Maybe he could've avoided all of this altogether. He wasn't exactly greedy or hedonistic, so he preferred mental security over the financial security. At the moment Ryan was swimming in money he'd never even seen such a large amount of before, but he was missing sleep for reasons other than late-night missions to 7/11.

Which, by the way, he didn't really mind. He figured he'd probably do whatever for Brendon even if it wasn't his job. Hey, emperor- love the outfit. Ryan didn't get it or appreciate it so he didn't honor the flirting with a response - or what he presumed was flirting, anyway - just looked off, mildly out of place. Brendon didn't seem very proud of himself either, though, so maybe he wasn't too unfounded in not feeling particularly flattered (although he of course still felt vaguely exhilerated any time Brendon looked at him, especially like that, and the quickened rise and fall of his chest was kind of a giveaway). Despite all his ambivalence he tried to invite Brendon back to his side, restore whatever could have been, and Brendon seemed unmoved by the welcoming. Which was, admittedly, not shocking. But Ryan had a tendency to get his hopes up for Brendon specifically and was only ever let down so hard by him.

You up for round two? Ryan still looked - and felt - sort of sick, and it was hard to pretend otherwise, so he smiled uncomfortably, watching Brendon turn away to groom himself. Funny thing is, he knew he'd accept if it meant he could stay, and it didn't even feel that heartwrenching whenever he could at least be physically close to Brendon, so. "Anytime," he said as boldly as he could, trying to match Brendon's energy. Anyway, I actually do have things to do. Lunch with someone at... 2? Then a, uh date. Ryan stared, lips slightly parted in something like shock, and he would never have guessed the word 'date' alone could hurt that bad. It made no sense, he wasn't entitled to anything from Brendon and they'd never guaranteed anything to one another, but he still somehow felt betrayed. It was at least comforting to think that Brendon wouldn't be on what normal people consider a date, with romance and dessert and laughing over drinks, but probably doing the exact same thing they'd done last night with a stranger. So. Bad, but not as bad as it could be.

While Brendon laughed it off, Ryan tried to play along, smiling timidly and ignoring the impulse to just bang his head against the wall behind him. You should know that, being practically in charge of running my life and all that shit. Ryan paused, considering this, and fuck, he definitely knew. When he'd jotted it down on a calendar, though, he hadn't slept with Brendon, and therefore the crush was still 'tiny stupid crush I'll get over' and not 'unavoidable deep-seated affection for my boss.' "You're right. Y'know, I could cancel if you're more interested in sticking around," he half-joked, sounding - and looking - a lot more confident than he really felt. He was pretty sure he hadn't even used the word 'date.' Since he'd probably want one himself one day once he was done being scared to tell Brendon he genuinely liked him for reasons beyond the way he looked, he made the vaguest allusion to it, avoiding looking at Brendon in case he showed disgust in his face or something.

What, like handcuffs? Ryan was pretty sure this was what people meant when they said their heart stopped, all dramatic. He tried to hide his instantaneous cringe, pursing his lips and bowing his head. See, this is what happened when he went out on a limb. Sure, darling, just let me know what you’re into. He closed his eyes tight, wondering how the hell he was going to play this off like he really did mean he wanted to be more sexually adventurous when his implication was actually that they try exclusivity. Kind of impossible. "Yeah, you know, whatever," he mumbled, glad that his still sleepy-sounding voice hid the way his voice nearly broke with nerves. "Glad we're on the same page." Apparently he could still muster up a sense of humor about the unbelievably messy circumstances. He started slowly pulling on clothes, praying maybe Brendon would find some sort of change of heart or realize he'd misunderstood Ryan.

Oh, fuck, almost forgot. New suit, wearing it on this uh, date- got it tailored, sent it to be finished- will you pick it up for me later? Thanks. Ryan felt briefly angry again with no rationale behind it - after all he was just as responsible for this brief lapse in their "professional" relationship as Brendon was, so there was no reason to be upset with him for bringing them back to where they should be anyway. As it were, he still set his jaw, trying to draw himself from his mood. And it didn't really work. "Sure, of course," he said carefully, moving closer to Brendon gradually. Brendon hadn't quite tamed his hair despite all the effort put into it, and Ryan really thought he'd kept it in his imagination but he actually reached up to smooth his hair into place, back to the perfect state it could usually be found in. "A suit on a first date. Seems like a pretty big deal. What are you gonna do?" His voice was low, partially trying to stay controlled when he was close enough to take one step, lean in, and kiss him. Mostly, though, he was apparently masochistic, completely fueling his own dumb jealousy by asking.

only for tonight | b&r

It was different trying to act normal as ever when Brendon was looking right at him, so when he turned, Ryan lost his confidence, shrinking a little against the pillow scrunched behind him. Well, there’s a first time for everything, right? Ryan's face remained the same but he could tell Brendon's smile wasn't anything close to genuine, all the self-assuredness in his features unreal. The longer Brendon looked the less welcome he felt - weird to think, because last night it was like all Brendon wanted was for him to stay around, and Ryan had been the one who wanted desperately to go. Not that he particularly wanted to be here now, although maybe if the circumstances were different and he'd woken up to kisses or any affection... it was a little dumb, but he'd just been thrown for a loop waking up to cold air and a sense of having done something very wrong.

It wasn't just the fact that he worked for Brendon, but even if they had no such reservations between each other he knew he still would've felt a little like the world was ending. Bizarrely, it was in this situation, where his feelings should probably have been dwindling, that he was only just coming to realize exactly how strong he felt about Brendon. It was unreasonable, really, because Brendon never actively gave him a reason to be this involved, and he even discouraged closeness beyond a point. Ryan wasn't usually so... susceptible. To avoid showing it out he just nodded absently at Brendon's words, knowing he should probably get moving but still not wanting to go. Ideally he'd be allowed to spend just a little time with him, coax everything back to normalcy after a very spontaneous night - if it was as spontaneous as it seemed, anyway - and maybe establish what exactly Brendon thought of everything. Was he going to be sick of Ryan after this, or neutral, or grow to like him in the same way...? Ryan wished for the latter, but Brendon kind of tossing him aside sounded more likely, just based on what he'd seen from him in the past.

He was twirling the sheets between his fingers uncertainly when Brendon spoke again, breaking the silence that ensued while he considered Ryan. Maybe that'd been his cue to go and he just missed it. Whatever - Ryan resolved to stretch this out as long as he could. Anyway, morning. You slept late. Ryan's lips parted, hesitant, and then his clothes landed strewn out beside him. He felt pretty cheap, initial sense of unwelcomeness completely renewed. "Morning," he responded in a voice quieter than he'd used before, eyes stuck to the sheets he still had curled in his hands. He raised his head again, leaning back against the headboard to level his gaze with Brendon's. "You could've, too. Come back, it's not like you have anything to do." He grinned with not a lot of confidence, a hand held out to present the empty space beside him. It wasn't that likely he'd take up the offer, or if he did oblige it'd be for a second at most, but. Ryan may as well just confirm what exactly the nature of their relationship was now.

Brendon met his eyes for once and Ryan did his best to hold it, sort of a deer caught in headlights more than anything else. Don’t worry, you’re not fired. Off-guard, Ryan just squinted at him, brow furrowed. Sounded like Brendon seemed to think he wasn't at fault here despite being the one to initiate things, then. At a thought like that Ryan knew he was way too unreasonably aggressive, so he bit his tongue, staring on more comfortably since he had a fair amount of bitterness on his side. Though I appreciate this was all a very thrilling risk for you. Worth it, though, right? Ryan laughed quietly, shaking his head a bit in disbelief at Brendon's angle here. Worth what? Thinking about what more they could have, even more often than he already did? Last night just seemed to fuel his own dumb fantasies, how much he already entertained the possibility of them being together. He knew what Brendon meant, though, how he probably just cared about the fact that he'd successfully fulfilled an impulse. Or, anyway, that's what Ryan figured at the moment, when he was still mulling over how much it all meant to him and how Brendon was likely the opposite.

"Yeah," he answered softly, sounding a little sick. "Thrilling." His attention dropped to his hands again, trying to ignore Brendon moving even minutely closer to him. Let's do it again some time. Ryan's natural thought was 'why not just be exclusive so you don't have to call me up in some secret language,' but somehow he figured that wouldn't come off as very clear. Plus, any proposition like that, he knew, would just scare Brendon off. And... in all fairness, he was willing to continue whatever this was if it meant he wouldn't just be forgotten about. That wasn't really who Brendon was, to cut people off heartlessly, but Ryan was assuming the worst nonetheless so that whatever happened, he was ready for. It dawned on him that it didn't really make sense for him to be mad at something that Brendon couldn't control - after all Brendon couldn't just tell himself to let people in and explore relationships beyond the physical and superficial - so he forgot everything angry hanging on his lips, suspended every red emotion that he felt on reflex for now.

"Some time," he confirmed absently, leaning forward again and turning his clothes right side out, arranging them before him on the sheets. He skewed his face a little, looking uncertain. "Just, um, if you ever want, like... more, that's. I'm open to whatever." He shrugged to punctuate all of his half-coherency, tiredly grabbing his shirt and pulling it over his arms. He realized belatedly how open-ended all of that sounded, and Brendon could easily just answer it however he wanted to avoid the concept of exclusivity. He could either clarify and corner him or specify and let him off the hook, and... the latter sounded more fair to him. He felt pretty shitty for even bringing it up, actually. "Sorry, I don't know how this is- supposed to go. I'll just..." Leave, he guessed, so he edged to the side of the bed and pulled on his jeans, standing to button them. He left his shirt hanging open for the time being when he turned to face a wall mirror, trying unsuccessfully to sort his hair out. "Call me if you need me, right?" Mostly he was still not that convinced Brendon would even want to talk to him again - even for work related matters.